Living in Limbo

Moved to www.kellieunderhill.com

2009-01-08T22:31:00.001-04:00

This blog has moved to www.kellieunderhill.com

Beyond Limbo ... Life

2008-11-08T18:29:00.004-04:00

When I first started this blog I was adrift, living without purpose or direction. I was quite literally living in limbo. A lot has changed since then. I moved to Sackville. I moved back to Miramichi. We launched a print edition of Bread 'n Molasses. My nieces were diagnosed with diabetes. My baby brother moved out of my parents house, got a permanent job and engaged to the girl I would have handpicked for him if I had been able to handpick. I started dating again. I fell in love. I got my heart broke. I settled all my unresolved Toronto issues finally after almost 20 years. I became actively involved in the New Brunswick community of writers. I started drinking wine ...

So much. I'm different person from who I was five years ago. I am no longer living in limbo. Now, I have defined goals and a life's purpose. I'm no longer casting the net about to see what turns up, I've got my hand on the wheel and I'm steering the ship.

It's no secret I've been a little disenchanted with Living in Limbo for the past few months. Posting to the blog has been erratic at best and without much substance. Meanwhile I have been doing a heck of a lot of writing, just not here. So I've decided the time has come to say goodbye to Limbo and hello to Kellie. This will be my last post on this blog. It's time to try something a little different.

I've moved my blog over to WordPress at www.KellieUnderhill.com and I hope you'll continue to read my posts there. Right now, it's not so different from here, a new look, some different widgets, but for me it's a new beginning that better represents my current attitude.

Mood: excited
Drinking: lady grey tea
Listening To: ham soup simmering on the stove
Hair: messy

My Wrist

2008-11-08T11:15:00.001-04:00

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed on Tuesday, May 8, 2007, and sent via FutureMe.org

Dear FutureKellie,

Six months ago you had a nagging pain in your left wrist. You weren't sure how long you had been experiencing pain or whether the pain was the result of some injury or over-exertion (i.e. carrying a lot of shopping bags for great distances, carrying heavy boxes during the move, etc.)

So what about today? Do you still have this pain? If so, it's been a solid six months! For christsake, isn't it time you go it checked out?!

Love you lots,
PastKellie

I'm happy to report the wrist seems to have healed. Yay!

Mood: manic
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: computer thrumming
Hair: greasy

If ...

2008-11-06T02:34:00.002-04:00

If I were doing Nanowrimo ... which I am TOTALLY not :) but IF I were ... I would be at 21,037 words. If, you know. That's kind of exciting. I'm living this story right now, writing in my sleep even. This is good. Good things will happen this way. Every day I call my mom and ask her if she remembers the time ... and then she'll say yes and we'll talk about it and then I remind her again that even though some situations resemble my real life, the mother character in my story is in no way shape or form based on her ... she says she knows. Soon, I'll have to start calling Dad every day to tell him the same thing. Though the last time I dissed a father character in one of my stories and Dad thought it was based on him, he was flattered rather than hurt. So, one never knows how it'll go.

One thing is for sure, I've definitely started letting go of what really happened and jumped off into the pool of what never happened but wouldn't it make a good story if it did.

Mood: creative, wired
Drinking: water
Listening To: typing
Hair: spiked

Death of a Disco Dancer

2008-11-03T20:46:00.004-04:00

I'm all over the place today. Stressed (about money, what else is there?) Restless (moon stuff, dreams, writing, non-drowsy meds). Excited (niece is out of hospital! wrote 10,500 words this weekend on creative personal project!) Listening to old punk and trying to settle in to accomplish something this evening.

Here's a meme. Courtesy of Wandering Coyote. Play along if you like.

1. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain? I live at the end of the rainbow. FYI, there's no pot of gold here.

2. If you have a dream come true, what would it be? My dreams come true all the time.

3. Do you believe in eternity love? I do AND I don't. I don't believe that there's only one right person. I think we have many forever loves.

4. What feeling do you love most? joy

5. What feeling do you hate the most? fear

6. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours? Absolutely

7. Do you believe in God? Yes ... but not the organized religion kind.

8. Who cares for you most? If you mean who cares for me more than anyone else, then that would be me. If you mean out of all the people who care for me, who cares most, then that's probably my parents.

9. What do you think is the most important thing in your life? my family

10. What emotion do you like to show? enthusiasm

11. If you have something troubling you, what do you do? I cry, write the crap out of it, weigh pros and cons, make a plan, act on the plan

12. Who do you admire most? I admire a lot of people for different reasons, it's apples and oranges to pick a most admired. I tend to admire people who are very calm, optimistic, spiritual and logical.

13. Who did you last chat with in a chat room? I don't do chat rooms. On MSN chat it was probably Joe last week

14. What kind of person do you think the one we stole this meme from is? WC? Hmm, I've really no idea, but from what I've read we have a few things in common, and I know she's a kick ass cook!

15. What color did you use to dye your hair? Right now it's very dark brown, before that it was a light blonde. I've been strawberry blonde, orange red, dark red auburn, light brown ... but nothing too radical

16. Why are you doing this meme? something to do, to get my fingers started on the keyboard

17. What do you do when you’re moody? drink wine, eat junk, watch a lot of tv

18. At which age do you wish to or did you, get married? very glad i did not marry when i was younger, i shudder to think of the trail of divorce i'd have behind me. i used to be anti-marriage, but i'm mellowing on the subject. i think i'll say yes to the next guy who asks ... i broke up with the last three, lol

19. If today is the last day of your life, what will you do? hopefully i know it's the last day and i make plans because if today is the last i wasted it on editing, banking and this meme. if i knew ahead of time i'd spend the day with my family and dog

20. Who is the person you trust the most? me. just me.

21. Last time you smiled? today, when stacy called

22. What are you listening to right now? AccuRadio Vintage Violence channel, "Over the Edge" The Wipers

23. Who was the last person you saw in your dream? hmm, i think it was me ...

24. Are you talking to someone while doing this? nope

25. Do you walk with your eyes open or closed? i do real good not to fall flat on my face with my eyes wide open thank you very much ... closed? wtf? who does that?

26. Is there a quote you live by? For writing purposes it's "you must shine in every sentence" which is not exactly a quote but more of a paraphrase of something Mordecai Richler said. In life it's "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around" from the movie Vanilla Sky.

27. Do you want someone you cannot have? only if movie stars count

28. Who always makes you laugh? cute with chris, J-Money, Liam Sullivan

29. What was the worst idea you’ve had this week? the week has only begun, but i'd say it was going to sobey's today

30. Do you speak another language other than English? no, though i'd love to be able to speak french and italian

Mood: weird
Drinking: nothing, need another cup of tea
Listening To: melody, serge gainsbourg (oh hell yeah! i am grooving on this, reminds me of frye festival)
Hair: clean but unkempt, i washed it and didn't even comb it afterward, for serious

Katt Lives!

2008-11-02T11:18:00.004-04:00

A couple of weeks ago I started meeting with a couple of writing friends to workshop. We've been meeting once a week, and so far we've met twice with a third meeting set for this week. It's doing wonders for me and my writing. When the idea first came up I didn't know what I would focus on, I just knew that I needed to be working on something and left to my own devices without any pressure to produce for a group, I may very well toil away the rest of my days writing only articles and editorials for BnM.

The first get together with the girls was upon me and I hadn't written shit. So I went into my files and pulled something to take to them. Because of all my hard drive failures in the past a lot of what I've written doesn't exist on this computer, unless it had an incarnation on this blog. Two chapters from Katt's Lives originated on here. So I started by taking them to the group. Two chapters were all I had written, though I have an outline of sorts. If all goes as planned, it looks like a 12 chapter book. Two meetings down and I'm out of old material. Time to push forward. So last week I started writing. I started with the first chapter, the beginning, and by the time the meeting rolled around I had three pages to bring to the table. About 1500 words. Not much, but brand spanking new baby! This is a step for me.

Three pages was enough to awaken the story in my brain. I'm eating and sleeping with Katt now. I'm writing consciously, unconsciously, 24/7. Yesterday I took to the keyboard again. Chapter one grew to 4500 words and I didn't want to stop then but it was so late I knew I needed sleep and I promised myself I'd get back to it today. I dreamed with Katt all night. I don't have all the answers for her. Things can go a variety of ways. I usually write from personal experience. Personal experience is the jumping off point, but then creativity takes over and anything can happen. It's up to me to figure it out and sometimes it's more difficult to leave my experience behind and unearth Katt's experience. But I'm loving the process! I haven't been this fired up since I can't remember when. It's been years.

November is National Novel Writing Month (Nanowrimo) and I didn't sign up or anything, but maybe, just maybe, I'm doing it anyway.

Mood: excited
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: running on empty, jackson browne
Hair: sassy

Bloody Well Right

2008-10-28T11:28:00.002-03:00

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed on Sunday, October 28, 2007, and sent via FutureMe.org

Dear FutureKel,
A year ago you listened to motivational speaker Les Brown speak about how sometimes when we experience a set-back or trauma we pull off to the side of the road and park. We roll up the windows and settle back into our leather seats completely oblivious that there are people out on the highway who will stop and help us, give us a boost, give us a lift, if only we put on the four-way flashers and let them know we are there.

This impacted you.

You understood that with regard to love and relationships you had pulled off the road a long time ago. You decided to do something about it. One year ago today you were supposed to have a coffee date with a man from Bathurst.

So what happened FutureKel? Did you stay open to the idea of love? Or did you close yourself off and ignore opportunities? Are you seeing anyone now? When was the last time you went out on a date? Have you made any new friends?

I hope you are doing wonderfully well and enjoying life to its fullest. I hope you have love and happiness and someone to share in your joy. But if you don't, take some time today to remember the lesson of Les Brown and turn on those 4-ways again.

Peace and joy always!
PastKel

What a shocker to get this email from myself this morning! Has it only been a year? That seems like ages ago. Time has slowed to a crawl.

Okay, so what happened? Bathurst guy ended after an annoying abundance of phone calls and two dates. Then there was Sussex guy, two months of emails, one date, no chemistry. This was followed by Salisbury guy, four months, fell in love, got heart broke. Then rebound Blackville guy, couple of rendezvous. And finally summer fling Woodstock guy, who was lovely in text message, but I nearly killed in person. A year, five guys, one broken heart, I can live with that. I think I'm out of the car.

Mood: contemplative
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: i wanna be sedated, the ramones
Hair: imagine if i stuck a fork into an electrical outlet ...

Don't Want to be Haunted by the Ghost

2008-10-25T21:13:00.006-03:00

In the dream I'm in an airport waiting to depart. Not sure where I'm going but I have a sneaky suspicion it has something to do with the loonie-sized bony bump on my thigh. It is like the one I have at the base of my middle finger on my left hand, only much larger and not at a joint. In the dream, my thighs are much smaller like in the days of boys and bars. All I have is a small carry-on and a jean jacket. I'm wearing a pale blue checkered shirt, the one I used to have with the silver threading, and those short black lace-up boots with the 1-inch heel that I used to wear all the time. My hair is longish and light brown. I'm an odd caricature of myself from different times in my life.

I'm flipping through a magazine, not really reading, when I notice the guy. He's middle-aged, pot-bellied and balding. His sweat stained tank top doesn't quite reach the elastic waistband of the jogging pants hanging low off his hips. There are curly black hairs around his belly button. He looks a little crazy, and is definitely agitated as he tries to stuff his suitcase into a locker. It won't fit. He starts swearing, jamming the suitcase harder. When he notices security officers approaching him, he starts yelling stuff like, "It's not fair! You shouldn't say it's going to fit if it's not going to fit! I'm a person too you know! I have rights!" And then he throws the suitcase and bolts, running right toward me where I'm sitting calming watching the scene. The security officers run after him, bellowing for back-up into their shoulder radios.

I don't mean for it to happen, but when he runs through the aisle where I'm sitting he trips over my boots and falls face first onto the floor right at my feet. Security are on him before he knows what hit him. As they're handcuffing him and pulling him up, he looks at me and I lean in and shrug. "Sorry," I say. "I have big feet." He nods and in a completely normal pleasant voice says, "oh, don't worry about it, I understand. I've got big feet too." And he holds up a foot for me to see. His feet are indeed pretty large for a man of his height.

Just then my flight is called for boarding. I shoulder my carry-on and get in line, but as the line winds its way through a hall I see that I'm not getting on a plane after all, but rather some kind of a fancy train. The extra-wide cars are made entirely of glass and inside instead of aisles and seats there are large ballrooms with round tables set in cream coloured linens and full-dinner service. Waiters in black tuxedos and white gloves rush around with silver trays in the air getting things ready for dinner. Passengers are being asked to board at the very back of the train. A uniformed conductor takes my ticket and helps me step across the gap.

Inside I find myself in a huge lounge. It's like something out of the Roaring 20s, like a scene from Titanic (before it sunk). Chandeliers, thick tapestries, leather and mahogany furniture, a grand piano in one corner, jazz music ... all the men wear tuxedos and chew on cigars while the women glitter in shimmery gowns and take slow long drags off cigarettes held in long holders. I'm shocked and amazed and feeling a little like Dorothy ... We're not in Kansas anymore ...

I climb into a high bar chair and order a glass of wine from the dapper little bartender. As I turn to set my bag on the chair beside me I notice a woman sitting there. It's my friend Judy and she looks stunning in bright red flapper attire. I'm surprised to see her but she's been waiting for me. We've been invited to this dinner. It's important. I don't know anything about this, but I go along. I am feeling pretty hungry. My wine arrives and we're chatting and I'm starting to feel really good about this place, no matter if it's not where I expected I would be. And then a man brushes against me as he steps up to the bar.

He wears a brown wool suit and his hands turn a Bowler hat round and round by its brim. He's a sharp contrast to all the gloves, tails and top hats. He and I stick out in this crowd. Two of these things are not like the others. He turns sideways leaning on his elbow against the bar to survey the room while he waits for his rum drink. And then I see his face. He's a little older than I remember, wrinkles around his eyes, less hair. He recognizes me at the same time and his hands stop fidgeting with his hat. We don't say anything, just stare at each other. For the longest time. It's like we've ceased to be in the room with everyone else, we're on another plane. And then he smiles. "I should've called," he says. And I smile. "Yeah, that would've been nice." We stand there grinning at each other like maniacs. "But you're here now," I say. He laughs, shrugs, rolls his eyes. "Yeah," he says. His eyes are so blue. Were they always this blue? "I'm here now," he says. "You look good, Kel." And he opens his arms and I bury myself in his chest as I hold on for dear life and the tears start to flow.

When I wake up it's 7:30 on a Saturday and I'm singing Foo Fighters in my head:

I
I'm a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
then follows you back home
I
I'm a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
burning off alone

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

Mood: dream-like
Drinking: hot chocolate
Listening To: Haunted, The Pogues with Sinead O'Connor
Hair: in a messy pixie

Happy Anniversary to Me!

2008-10-22T22:21:00.002-03:00

The day was half over before I looked at the calendar and noticed the date ... October 22nd ... Happy Anniversary to Me!

On this day nearly 25 years ago I started dating my first serious boyfriend, my high school sweetheart. I remember the months leading up to that date like they were yesterday ... wondering who that guy was at Herbie's pool hall ... wondering who that guy was at the Exhibition ... finding out who that guy was with my friend at the school dance. I remember what happened before we got together, but I remember nothing of the first date itself. Was the first night the rainy one with him shivering, soaked, in my parents kitchen? I'm not even sure how it came to be. I remember the falling in love part. I remember the falling out of love part. I remember some of the stuff that happened in the middle, but the very first date totally eludes me. I guess it didn't really matter in the scheme of things. For sure it no longer matters in any way shape or form.

Over 20 years ago I started dating my most serious boyfriend, my college sweetheart. Yeah, same day. Kinda weird. A double Happy Anniversary to me! His memory presents itself a little differently. I remember the first date, the second, the third ... I remember the first six weeks, in freakish detail. I could give you a blow by blow accounting. The first break-up can still bring a tear to my eye when I'm feeling particularly nostalgic. It was like something from a movie. And the getting back together is etched in my memory. The second break-up is fuzzy. And I wish I could forget all the stuff after because it was so unpleasant.

It's a little weird. Most days I forget why I've gone into the kitchen by the time I get there. I struggle with people's names and birthdays. I'm not very good at remembering song lyrics or names of bands or lines from movies. I never know what day it is. I couldn't tell you what happened last week ... yet these useless memories stick by me forever.

It's been the coldest day yet in my apartment without heat. At one point I put on gloves. It snowed outside. I've been feeling a little down all day. Hard to say why exactly, perhaps a combination of all these things. I wish I had brandy.

Mood: scattered
Drinking: nothing
Listening To: doors slamming in the hall
Hair: sassy

These Dreams

2008-10-21T10:37:00.004-03:00

In the dream I'm going to Toronto with Stacy. This, in and of itself, isn't anything unusual. But in the dream we're driving to Toronto in a 15 passenger van with Stacy's cousin, Claude, and a group we met in the basement of a church in White Rapids.

Yes, they are a church group!

Our Mighty friend, Terry, has somehow conscripted us into this church touring company. We will re-enact the scene when God created the world. We will sing hymns off-key in time with a tambourine. We will spread The Word and save souls.

I have no idea how this happened. Terry is apologetic, but he promised that we'd go, so go we must. Claude is appropriately agitated and bitchy. I mean who is Terry to force this lifestyle upon him. But Stacy and I are freakishly calm in the face of this excursion. She seems to even enjoy the singing and has started picking up the tambourine when nobody is looking. Plus she has been cast as the sun in the creation play, which is a major role. I'm not quite as excited as she appears to be, but I'm open and optimistic. "You've never done this before!" I think. "This will be an adventure!"

There is only one niggling snag with the trip. We will be gone during production of the next issue of BnM. Cindy is mortified. She'll have to do EVERYTHING herself, from cover to cover, write, edit, design ... We have confidence in her ability, but she's pissed. How is she going to make a magazine all by herself and look after her kids, clean her house, cook, etc. etc.?! "You can do it!" we yell as we press our noses against the windows of the van and wave good bye.

When we arrive the next snag becomes apparent. Because we're not at work, we won't be getting paid. Because we're only on loan to the church group, they are not going to pay our way. They kick us out of their cushy boarding house and leave us to fend for ourselves. Stacy and Claude quickly steal the 15-passenger van and drive off eastward bound. "See you suckers!" Claude yells out the open window.

I'm left standing in a rain soaked dark alley. I'm not really sure where I am. I think the west end. I have no money and no idea what to do. My cell phone rings and it's Terry. I tell him about Stacy and Claude's defection. I tell him about the church group kicking me out. "No problem!" he says. "All you need is a little bit of cash and they'll let you back in. Didn't you used to do temp work when you lived there before?"

Aha! I snap my fingers as the way becomes clear. I will hit up the temp agencies. I will get some odd jobs. I will make a little money and then the church group will let me stay with them. It'll all work out. I am saved.

Mood: delirious
Drinking: coffee, black, maxwell house, rich roast
Listening To: buddy upstairs moving furniture around
Hair: still short

Criminal Intent

2008-10-20T21:39:00.008-03:00

For those readers who have been pining for stories of boys and bars, you're about to get lucky! I am writing again for a small workshop group. Need to produce new material every week. So I'm taking up some of the old causes. Casting the net to see what comes to surface. Hoping to find some tidbits in this lazy brain of mine. This is my first attempt ... maybe part of the Katt's Lives series, if you recall that from years ago.

*****

A guy I used to know made the paper. He's a thief. He's going back to prison. He's going to do some serious time. Years. Nobody will see him for a very long time. I only ever saw him twice and that was over 10 years ago.

We met at the after hours club. The club with no "official" law. I had never laid eyes on the man before nor heard his name mentioned. Maybe because he'd been away in jail. Maybe because he didn't grow up in my neighborhood and we went to different schools. No matter.

What mattered was that he pulled into the parking lot in his souped up 70s Chevy and I noticed. I didn't yet know he was a thief, but he was built like one, slight and wiry. You could imagine him slithering into hard to get places, slipping out, blending in, disappearing with ease. He was about my age, a little bit younger, with a great sense of humor. His tongue twisted gracefully around multiple syllables and I was impressed by his grasp of the English language. The boy was slick. I'll give him that.

He noticed me right away. I liked his direct approach. If he had a game, his game was that he had no game. He walked right up to me, told me I was beautiful and he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life ... or at least until morning. I liked his persistence. He stayed right by me, no matter how much I ignored him, no matter how much I protested, no matter what I said to drive him away. "Aww, you pretend you're all mean and hating on me, sweetheart," he'd say. "But I know you don't mean it. Deep down in there somewhere is a heart that's beating for mine." And he'd wink and laugh and drop a loonie in the jukebox.

Maybe because he had been in and out of jail, in and out of foster homes, on and off the streets, there was an urgency about him. There was time for setting up a mark in the pool hustle. There was time for casing the joint. But there was no time to fool around with games in matters of the heart. He took one look at me and decided he wanted me to be his woman, and then he never faltered from his mission to make it so.

He had a vivid imagination. Within an hour of meeting him he was designing my dream home, planning the wedding and naming our babies. I suppose it was a testament to his conning abilities and delightful personality that I stayed long into the night, sipping beer, playing pool and embellishing upon these plans. It was all in good fun, and I'd never met anyone like him before. But when the time came to go home, I went my way and he went his.

The next day he called me. He wanted to go on a proper date. Pick me up. Dinner. A movie. Flowers. Candy. Anything I wanted. As lavish or as simple as I desired. He just wanted to be with me, wanted me to be happy. "I don't know," I hedged. "Maybe someday, sometime ..." I was not playing hard to get. The fluttering in my stomach scared me ... plus, I had baggage, unresolved issues with a Mister On Again/ Off Again. Mr OA/OA didn't like me seeing other people, even when we were Off Again. He could be counted on to cause a scene, to make life difficult. Somebody could get hurt. Somebody could get beat up.

True to form OA/OA got wind of the new boy and showed up at my house worried for my safety. "I know this boy," he said. "Known him for a long time. He comes from a bad family. He is nothing but a low-down thief. He's been in and out of jail. You don't want to get mixed up with the likes of him."

I sighed. "But you've been in and out of jail and I've been mixed up with you for years," I said.

"Yeah, but I ain't no thief! They're the lowest of the low! And I don't want you around him."

The argument seemed to be "better the criminal I knew than the one I didn't" and strangely there did seem to be some logic to that.

Later at the club, when the old Chevy pulled in I decided Mr. OA/OA probably knew more about this guy than I did and I should trust his judgment on the matter. "I can't go out with you," I said to the boy.

He didn't want to hear that. He had plans. I told him I had found out about his troubling past. He told me he'd never do another dishonest thing in his life. With me by his side he could turn his life around and make something of himself. He seemed so sincere.

I pulled out my secret weapon and dropped OA/OA's name, which was usually enough to make even the biggest and strongest of the tough guys turn tail and run. Nobody with any sense wanted to get into a racket with OA/OA over me. But he didn't care. He knew OA/OA, had partied with him, had hung out with him, knew his capabilities, but it didn't matter.

"I've been through hell and more," he said. "I'm not afraid of him." And he meant it, his blue eyes filled with steely determination. He took my hands and looked into my eyes, "But seriously, I just want a chance to show you, just one date is all I'm asking for. And if afterward you decide I'm not for you, I'll go away and leave you alone forever."

He wasn't afraid of nothing or nobody . . . but I was. I was afraid of what OA/OA would do to him. I was afraid of what might happen to me. But most of all I was terrified of the way my heart pounded in my chest when he held my hands. "No," I said. "No. I think you should go now and leave me alone forever."

And he did.

His big eyes glossed over with a film of hurt. His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed his rejection and he drove off.

I never saw him again.

A few months later I heard he was caught stealing some petty stuff from a business in town. He got sent away for a few months over that. Then he dropped off my radar. "Better the devil I know" became my motto and it was back on again with OA/OA.

Sometimes I wonder what if I'd taken a chance on the wiry little con man. Would he have changed his ways? Or was he already too damaged when we met, is that the only life he could ever know? Sometimes I wonder, and then I see the court clippings and am thankful not to see my name in there as an accessory to the crime.

Mood: creative
Drinking: nothing
Listening To: people in the hall
Hair: still short, still dark

Grounded

2008-10-20T11:09:00.000-03:00

The excess spending of this spring and summer on events and trips and things, coupled with a nagging financial imbalance left-over from last winter's inflated hydro billing, finally all caught up to me knocking the wind out of my happy-go-lucky sails. I cannot afford to do anything! I mean ANYTHING!

After a very lean late summer/early autumn where I saw my savings dwindle to zero as I cleaned up on every old can of whatever to be had in my cupboard. As a result I've recommitted myself to living within my means.

I need to accept that I can't do anything. I can't go anywhere. Period. I need to learn to say, "I'd love to go, but I can't afford it." It's hard. It's hard to pay the bills and have nothing left. And it's really hard to be in the position of not having any food in the house and not being able to buy any more. This happened to me recently and lasted for a good little while ... but no worries, I'm okay now.

I've had lean times before, like when I moved from Sackville to Newcastle, there were a couple of lean months, but this autumn was pretty bad. Huge eye-opening reminder! Like most people I know, I'm living about two months away from being homeless. And I need to stop! So I'm doing things a little differently. I've given up my gym membership. I've turned down some invitations. I've changed the way I buy groceries.

I've started buying cheaper non-perishables in bulk. My pantry is now full of canned and dried goods. I've started reading the sales and planning my list based on what's on sale. I have five boxes of Stovetop Stuffing ... which I never bought before in my life as a result of getting a good deal. I am amazed at how much generic brand crap that can be bought for a hundred bucks. And hey, Compliments brand ABCs are equally as disgusting as the pricier Heinz Alpha-ghetti. They are also surprisingly comforting as a hang-over cure-all.

Yesterday I made a casserole out of one boneless skinless chicken breast, a box of Kraft Dinner and Stovetop stuffing. I'm still podded and I have enough leftovers to last until tomorrow. This is economizing!

Another area I'm cutting costs is in hydro.

Last winter I pretty much kept the heat cranked all the time in all the rooms to keep the place comfortable. The winter before that I arrived late to the game (moved in February) but I was frugal with the heat because I had no idea how much electricity would cost because my last place was inclusive. So this winter I'm returning to the frugal ways of the first winter. There have been some pretty cold nights already, but I haven't turned on the heat. And I'm not going to. Certainly not until November and I'm actually hoping late November. I'm in a good position because my apartment is surrounded on all sides by other apartments, so I should be able to steal some of their warmth. This year I'm winterizing the windows with plastic, which I've never done before. And I'm closing off the spare room. I did that the first winter and it seemed to make a difference. As for me, I don't like the cold any more than the next person but I've got the heavy wool socks and sweaters and I'm ready to live a little cooler than last year.

I also got some blankets. If you'll remember from past winters, blankets have been an issue. But now I've got more than enough. I like sleeping in a cool room actually, as long as the bed is warm. The bedrooms are the coldest rooms in the place, drafty around the windows. Even with the heat cranked last year, it was cold. But I think the blankets are going to make all the difference in the world. So far they really have. Last night dipped to a frigid minus 10 and I was snug as a bug in a rug ... as long as I stayed in bed.

With the cost of electricity about to rise again this is one area where I really have to try hard to cut back. When everything is said and done I have about $400 a month left to pay hydro, buy groceries and do anything else that needs doing like taking a cab to work or buying birthday presents or going to the movies, or anything else that might come up. $400 a month for hydro and groceries isn't much, especially in winter, let alone any extras. So you can imagine how terrible it can be to get a hydro bill that is well over $300, as happened last winter. I'm not letting that happen this year.

As for saying no thanks I can't afford that ... I've said no to a yoga/writing workshop, the WFNB Fall Literary Fair, a travel writing workshop, a wine festival, a women's lunch, Matt Mays and Sam Roberts in concert together (I know!) and a slew of other things. It breaks my heart, but if I can't afford it, I just can't afford it. Sucks, but I guess it is what it is ... so until further notice I am grounded. Staying home in my increasingly cool apartment and devoting my time to inventing new and unique recipes involving Kraft Dinner.

Mood: dizzy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: buddy upstairs do laundry
Hair: still short 'n sassy

Nanowrimo Time

2008-10-19T08:33:00.002-03:00

There are some who say writing a novel takes awesome talent, strong language skills, academic training, and years of dedication. Not true. All it really takes is a deadline – a very, very tight deadline – and a whole lot of coffee.

Welcome to National Novel Writing Month: a nonprofit literary crusade that encourages aspiring novelists all over the world to write a 50,000-word novel in a month. At midnight on Nov. 1, more than 100,000 writers from over 80 countries – poised over laptops and pads of paper, fingers itching and minds racing with plots and characters – will begin a furious adventure in fiction. By 11:59 PM on Nov.
30, tens of thousands of them will be novelists.

2008 is the ten-year anniversary of NaNoWriMo, founded in 1999 by freelance writer Chris Baty. In its first year, NaNoWriMo had just 21 participants. In 2007, over 100,000 people took part in the free challenge, making it the largest writing contest in the world. And while the event stresses fun and creative exploration over publication, 24 NaNoWriMo novelists have had their NaNo-novels published, including
Sarah Gruen, whose New York Times #1 Best Seller, Water for Elephants began as a NaNoWriMo
novel.

Around 18% of NaNoWriMo participants "win" every year by writing 50,000 words and validating their novels on the organization's website before midnight on Nov 30. Winners receive no prizes, and no one at NaNoWriMo ever reads the manuscripts submitted.

So if not for fame or fortune, why do people do it?

"The 50,000-word challenge has a wonderful way of opening up your imagination and unleashing creative potential like nothing else," says NaNoWriMo Director (and nine-time NaNoWriMo winner) Chris Baty. "When you write for quantity instead of quality, you end up getting both. Also, it's a great excuse for not doing any dishes for a month."

There will be a "Meet and Greet" Event held 2:00 pm Sunday, October 26 at Chapters (Regent Mall), 1381 Regent Street, Fredericton, NB, E3C 1A2. Come and find out what the buzz is all about.

If you would like more information about National Novel Writing Month, or would like to talk to participants from NaNoWriMo chapters in your area, please visit our website at www.NaNoWriMo.org, or contact Fredericton Municipal Liaison Susan Douglas (506-451-2955) OR press@nanowrimo.org.

Every year I think I should do this, and every year I don't ... I should totally do this though! I just don't know how they do this and do anything else, like work, eat, exercise, etc. etc. etc. Maybe giving up tv shows for a month would be enough?

Mood: curious
Drinking: tea
Listening To: doors slamming
Hair: unknown

A Note from Past Kel

2008-10-17T11:46:00.006-03:00

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed on Tuesday, October 16, 2007, and sent via FutureMe.org

Dear FutureKel,

How you feeling today? What are you eating? How much exercise are you getting? How much do you weigh? What size clothes are you wearing?

A year ago you had a breakthrough. You realized how tough keeping your life on track, getting the weight off, would be, but you committed to making it so. You decided in favour of your health. So, how's it going? Are you healthy? Are you on the road to healthy? When was the last time you ate greasy crispy chicken from Sobey's or KFC?

Take care of yourself, girl. I love you.
PastKel

Well PastKel, let me tell you ... I struggle with these things. BUT I haven't had crispy chicken in quite some time!

So every now and then I get an email from myself in the past. Sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes (like this one) it's a harsh reminder to get back on track. I've been sending myself these messages for years. When something traumatic or particularly upsetting happens I will go to the FutureMe website and write myself a note describing how I feel on that particular day. Then I'll set it up to be emailed to myself 6 months or a year down the road. So I can see my progress. So I can see how time heals. So I will know the next time that whatever it is, it won't be the end of the world. In a way I take strength from these little notes I write myself.

In another way the notes are about loving myself. I actually take time to tell myself that I love me. I don't think people do this enough. I think we can't have love in outer world if we don't first have it in our inner world. So sometimes when I'm having a fantastic day and everything is fabulous I'll write a note to my fabulous self just to tell her how much I love her. A year later that note might plop into my inbox on a day when I'm not feeling so fabulous and totally brighten my day.

It works for me!

Mood: happy
Drinking: weak black coffee
Listening To: the dryer tumble
Hair: spiky!

Bless Me, For I Have Sinned ... Again

2008-10-10T13:22:00.003-03:00

It's been forever since my last post here. Wow! I know I said I was going to slow down but this is pretty crazy. As you can imagine, a lot has happened. If you'd like to know everything, settle in and read on ...

I went out with people from work to celebrate a co-worker's 50th birthday. We met for supper and drinks at O'Donaghue's Pub in Chatham. I had the curried chicken which was really good. I only ordered it medium because I didn't know how hot the hot would be, but should I order it again I think I would try the hot because the medium was a true medium. Very yummy! We had a good time and then I went out to a retirement party with my boss and his wife at the Lion's Club in Newcastle. This was an interesting experience on many levels. They actually serve wine there, red in a bottle that isn't hideous, and very reasonably priced. They also left all the overhead lights on except directly over the dance area, which was unusual but seemed to work very well with an older crowd. It's hard to be off your face drunk in bright light. It was an older crowd, we were among the young ones. And I had a really good time.

I attended the MYPIE Wine & Cheese reception at the Rodd and met some new people. I was a little nervous because really that whole business thing is not my scene, but it went okay and I think I'll make an effort to attend more events. The speaking part went okay. I wasn't really prepared, just half-assed prepared, so there were things that came to mind as I was speaking that I wished I had thought of when I wrote the bit. And I wasn't sure the bit was actually cohesive, because we were right into BnM deadline that day and I was stressing about all that. But afterward several people told me they could relate and they appreciated my talk, so that was good. Someone even suggested I should publish it in BnM, which I hadn't considered, but might work.

MYPIE happened on a Wednesday and then we were totally on deadline. Thursday was spent with the Design Editor putting the finishing touches on BnM, then back to the office to get ready for a BnM Road trip to Fredericton. I had hoped we would get some printing done that Thursday night, but I lost my printing buddy to the Timberwolves Annual Golf Tournament, so that was okay. Friday morning was a flurry of last minute BnM communications before I caught the early afternoon bus to Fredericton. Thankfully the bus was running late out of Moncton because of road construction, otherwise I might have missed it.

It was the first time I travelled on a bus since people have been stabbed and killed while travelling on the bus. I seemed to be more alert to my fellow travelers, but otherwise nothing was different. I still sat about mid-way back at the emergency exit window. (Ever since I actually figured out how to use the emergency exit I'm a big fan of me being the one to open the window.) I was so tired and hungry on the bus ride that I decided I would actually get off in Boiestown and buy a Monster energy drink and something to eat ... that is until we stopped, the driver said we had 5 minutes and nearly everyone got off the bus in a mad rush to the store. Screw that! I promised I'd have a big coffee or something when I arrived.

I wasn't the only one running on little sleep and energy. Joe had been travelling out west and only just arrived home that morning having flown in the wee hours. None of this would have mattered in the slightest if not for the fact that we had tickets to TNB's midnight performance of Rocky Horror. So there was a little concern about how lively we might be come midnight.

I was supposed to meet a co-worker at the bus stop in Fredericton to deliver a package. The only problem was we'd never met before. She'd seen a photo of me in BnM, but as we all know that pic is a couple of years old and I had gotten a whole lot blonder and thinner in the face since then. To top it all off, I completely forgot I was supposed to meet the girl, so I wasn't even looking for her when I got off the bus. So we missed one another and decided she would be better to contact me during the Small Press Fair Saturday afternoon.

It was sunny and warm when I departed the bus in Fredericton, but that would soon change in the overnight with pre-hurricane rains descending upon the capital city. I grabbed my Monster Energy drink at Victory Meat when we went shopping for supper supplies. After downing it and a scrumptious supper (it's always better when I don't have to cook!) the wine started flowing and soon it was nearly midnight and time to go to the theatre, still energized and very much awake.

What to say about Rocky Horror? ... I FREAKING LOVED IT!! AMAZING! FABULOUS! What a great time! We weren't in costume. We didn't have props. But it didn't matter. Several of the audience did show up in costume, looking fantastic, and many people brought props and knew what to do with them. I had never been to a live performance before. I had never been to a theatre showing of the film. I've seen it on tv. That is all. But man! It's a completely different experience to be in a room filled with people partaking of the campy trashy fun! I would so go see this again and again. I understand the cult following in a way I never have before, that I could never just by sitting in my jammies in front of the tv on Halloween night.

If you're familiar with the movie you know how it opens.

So they had a huge screen that was almost like the curtain covering the stage, and she came from the back of the room to the stage singing. It was like she was singing right into a camera that was broadcasting her lips onto the screen. Very cool! And of course the credits rolled on the screen too, in trashy red Rocky Horror font. The big screen was also used for the first scene when Brad and Janet are in the car in the rain, which made it seem like we were all outside in the rain. Even more so when they got out to run to the Frank 'N Furter's mansion and everyone in the place held newspapers or their programs over their heads to keep dry.

Every time someone onstage said Janet's name the audience yelled, "SLUT!" And every time someone said Brad's name they yelled "ASSHOLE!" Which happens a lot!

As they approached the castle and Janet was singing "There's a light..." everyone in the audience turned on flashlights. I knew this stuff was going to happen, but I had no idea how much of an effect these interactive things would add to the performance. It was exciting to be there, to be a part of it.

When Riff Raff (who was excellent! from his first lines, I was agape by how good he was, how great the costuming was!) let them inside the castle, the screen lifted revealing the colourful red set. An elevator centre stage. A live band in the balconies upstairs. It was truly fabulous!

And then we did the Time Warp!

Oh my God! What a time! Everyone in the audience was on their feet dancing. Jumping to the left, stepping to the right, hands on their hips, knees in tight, pelvic thrusts ... honestly, so much fun! As the music built to Frank 'N Furter's entrance the anticipation was almost too much to take. Because everything so far had been beyond my wildest expectation, and all the characters so far had been spot on ... would Frank 'N Furter live up to the promise the production had already created? Or was that impossible?

When the elevator doors opened I actually squealed with delight. I couldn't contain myself. He was beyond fabulous! Totally the sweet transvestite! Great costume and sexy strut! A bit skinnier than Tim Curry, but perfect nonetheless.

Just when you would get caught up in the show and forget about the props in the audience it would be time for something else to happen and it would take you by surprise and take the whole thing to a brand new level. Like when they played the Wedding March and confetti rained down on everyone or when the rolls of toilet paper were surfing through the audience.

Overall, I can't say enough good stuff about the production. TNB did a great job. And now I'm even more excited to take the kids to see Narnia in December.

The weekend didn't end with Rocky Horror though, it was just the beginning. We spent Saturday at the Charlotte Street Arts Centre for a Small Press Fair. The cafe was closed, so we were there all day without sustenance, but it was a good day for BnM and I made some new contacts. Saturday evening saw us mad dashing to the Superstore for sustenance. A pasta feast followed. Yummy! And much wine. Much, much, wine. I don't know if it was all the wine, the lack of sleep, or what but Saturday night dissolved into fits of giggles, which I desperately needed.

Sunday saw us as passengers in a 15-seat van bound for Moncton, where we enjoyed some Acadian hospitality with a huge feast of a brunch and some great literary conversation about language and community. We drove home under threat of a hurricane that never came ... and then drank even more wine before calling it a night fairly early because Joe had a long day of work come Monday morning. He left just before 8am to pick up a rental van and drive to Sackville for a pick up, then Moncton, then back to King's Landing.

I puttered around packing to return to Miramichi on the bus. As I walked toward the bus station I realized I was shaky weak, totally not going to make it the few blocks, so I nipped into Kings Place in search of food energy. At Shoppers I bought some candy and chips for the bus ride, then I hit McMunchies for a bagel blt, hash browns and coffee. As I sat on the bus, barely able to keep my eyes open, let alone function mentally on any level, I wondered how in the frig Joe was making out driving all that way and lugging stuff to and from the van. He made out okay, but God love him, I didn't envy him the task that day. I slept a long time after I got home.

I discovered when I returned that we'd had a power outage at BnM headquarters and magazine production was now running a week behind as a result. I also had a lot of work to catch up on as I hadn't been doing any while I was away. So I dove in and buried myself for the next week. Stopping only long enough to dye my hair a dark brown that adhered to my former blonde dye job and turned coal black. With hair so long and thick and wavy ... and raven ... I felt every inch the witch as Stacy and I went to the movies to see Burn After Reading (which I enjoyed immensely, totally cracked me up). Later that night, my hair frustration became unbearable and I lopped off my hair (no, I was not drinking at the time, tho some PMS seems to have been involved)... but unlike the last time I lopped it all off, this time I totally screwed it up. So I locked myself in my apartment until I could get emergency hair surgery on Thanksgiving weekend. I went out only one time, because I needed to do banking, and I wore a hat. This meant I had to miss a Tea Party I had been looking forward to attending. Oh well. Live and learn.

So that brings us up to this past weekend. I went upriver on Friday after work so I could get my hair fixed on Saturday afternoon. I was doubtful it could be fixed, and was prepared that I might have to wear hats out everywhere for another few weeks, but my hairdresser worked a miracle and I escaped (just barely) with a style that looks as if it was intentional. It is short, and dark, and VERY different for me. I am probably unrecognizable to most people. But surprisingly, I like it! I'll have to see if I can get some pictures to post.

Saturday night we went out to celebrate birthdays. First supper at O'Donaghue's Pub in Chatham. Then the Opera House for ... dancing I guess, or proof positive that we're not teenagers anymore. I drank entirely too much. WAY too much! The burger I had was not the one I was craving, but it was pretty darn good though totally huge! I could not eat it all. And I can eat a pretty big burger. The gravy was amazing. But the cheesecake! Oh boy! The cheesecake was the best. Curl my toes good.

Sunday I had a pretty severe hang-over. A Monster Energy drink and a handful of Motrin really did nothing to ease the problem and normally that would set me right. I laid on the couch all afternoon watching Corrie and wondering how in the frig I was ever going to get to a place where I could do Thanksgiving Dinner. Then I found the ice cream. A couple of bowls of ice cream and a few glasses of water and I was able to throw in some grease by way of a bowl full of potato chips. By then it was 4pm and finally I could see my way clear to taking a shower without puking my guts up, which I did.

Supper was at my sister's house. And by 5:30 I was able to eat a big plate full of turkey and all the fixings followed by dessert. And after that I was right as rain and able to have some more wine and play games with my sisters and their husbands. We played Name That Tune 80s edition dvd game, which you might think I'd be good at, but I'm not really. I really only know pop from the early 80s because then I got heavy into partying and other things and didn't pay attention to much else going on, plus my musical tastes started to drift away from top 40 to less mainstream. Then in the late 80s I went to Toronto and discovered all the 70s and punk stuff. So I really was never into music videos much. And after about 1984 I completely stopped with the top songs countdowns, Grammy Awards, etc. It's a little weird but it feels like one day I was taping Rick Springfield off the tv onto a cassette recorder ... and then I never heard another thing until 1991 or 1992 or whenever it was that I went to work at the radio station. I honestly don't know what I was doing in between.

Mom called over to Jenn's later to tell Sherry and Gary to drive me home when they left because neighbours had seen a bear hanging around. When they drove me we thought we saw eyes just down the road, so it's good that I didn't walk. I was reminded of the night when Stacy and I were walking just below Joe's. It was one of those really dark nights where you can't see the hand in front of your face, and it was before everyone had dusk til dawn lights in their yards. You'd be walking along trying not to fall into the ditch. A car came and stopped. It was Uncle Terry and Bliss and they told us to get in because there was a bear in the ditch just right there in front of us. We would never have seen it. I've often wondered what, if anything, would have happened if they hadn't come along just then.

Yesterday I just hung out at Mom's all day and watched tv. This morning I came home with Jason on his way to work. It was freezing! And very foggy. It's still chilly. Of course I had hundreds of email from having been offline for a long weekend. And now I need to get up the gumption to go out and exercise my democratic right to vote. It's election day! I'll be following that closely later this evening.

But for now, you're up to date..

Mood: sleepy
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: computer humming
Hair: spiky, black

I Be Speaking

2008-09-20T13:21:00.002-03:00

After much arm-twisting I've agreed to speak at an event this week. I say arm-twisting because the event is a little outside my comfort zone. If I were asked to speak to students or writers or anything in the realm of publishing or wanna-be publishing, if I were asked to emcee some sort of reading or awards ceremony or pretty much any event, I'd do it without hesitation, not a problem. I do that kind of stuff all the time ... but this is a little different.

This time I'm speaking to a group of young professionals and entrepreneurs, of which, apparently I am one, though I've never really identified myself as such. I won't be the only speaker, so I can be brief, a few minutes. I'm told some of the other speakers are from FatKat, which is cool. I'm really interested in hearing the speakers ... scared to death to BE one of them!

Of course, I could have just turned down the invitation, but if I've learned one thing through working in the Mighty Community it's that if it makes you uncomfortable that means you're growing, and you should always seize the opportunity to grow. I'm as uncomfortable as I've ever been, but off I go anyway! Here I grow again!

So if you're in the area and you're a young professional (or young at heart!) come hear me and some others speak at the official launch of MYPIE this Wednesday after work at the Rodd Hotel. More details about the group and the event at their website www.mypie.ca.

Mood: uncomfortable
Drinking: black coffee
Listening To: crows cawing
Hair: getting longer and thicker every day

I'm Gonna Win!

2008-09-19T11:15:00.005-03:00

Theatre New Brunswick Rocky Horror Show Contest
As you aware, Theatre New Brunswick is proud to present The Rocky Horror Show September 25-28, with a Special Midnight Performance Friday, September 26. Rehearsals starring Tony LePage, Tania Breen, Shawn Henry, and some of Canada’s hottest talents including Canadian Idol finalist Aaron Walpole are well underway. I hope you are as excited as we are!

For all the Rocky Horror Show fans who have picked up their tickets, your purchase has automatically entered you in our fantastic contest to win 2 tickets to our fabulous Midnight Show Pre-Party at the James Joyce Irish Pub PLUS an overnight stay for 2 in an Executive Suite at the Crowne Plaza!

For our fans that have not yet picked up tickets, and any beloved fence-sitters, this is one show you will not want to miss. And with three of these amazing prize packages to be won, wait no longer if you would like to take part in our draw. Tickets are selling fast. Three draws for three prizes will be held next Wednesday, September 24 at 6:30 PM. Please see poster or visit the TNB website tnb.nb.ca for details.

Many of you have been asking about what to wear, what to bring, when to shout. Costumes, props, and enthusiastic participation are encouraged! Everything from newspapers, flashlights, surgical gloves, noisemakers, confetti, toilet paper, party hats, cards, bells, and whistles are welcome. Please leave rice, water, and toast at home.

Strap on your stilettos and warm up for Friday’s Midnight Show at the Official Pre-Party where a $7 admission at the door of the James Joyce includes a pint of Picaroons, Rocky Horror-themed food, a Participation Tutorial Session, and more.

Join us for the most outrageous theatre event of the season.
The Rocky Horror Show. DON’T DREAM IT. BE IT

I have tickets and I am going to win the hotel room and pre-party admission! Oh my God! I have NOTHING to wear! Somebody help me!

Mood: cheerful
Drinking: tea, i am doing the tea thing this week
Listening To: just me, typing
Hair: damp from shower earlier

Stuck in My Head

2008-09-15T22:28:00.000-03:00

Mood: stressed to the max
Drinking: water
Listening To: music
Hair: stringy

Freedom to Choose

2008-09-10T12:12:00.003-03:00

Sometimes we need a little reminder of the basics of life. Listening to Covey as I write for Sammy ... some highlights:

Don’t you feel better when the weather outside is great? What if you could carry your own weather with you? You could always feel great no matter what!

Don’t you feel better when people treat you well? Isn’t that a kind of social weather? When you carry your weather with you, you can choose to be consistent regardless of how people treat you. That’s being proactive. Being reactive is the opposite. You always see yourself as the victim —- of the weather, of your moods, of someone who has it in for you.

Your life is the result of your own decisions, not conditions, not what’s happening around you.

Between what happens to us and our response is a space. In that space lies our power and our freedom to choose our response, and in those choices lay our growth and our happiness.

Even in the midst of challenging circumstances we have this exhilarating power to choose how we will respond. This is the last human freedom, the power to choose your own response to any condition, to anything that happens to you.

It’s not what people do to us that hurts us, it’s our chosen response to what they do that hurts us.

As Gandhi said, “They cannot take away our self respect if we do not give it to them.”

We must simply never build our emotional life around the weaknesses of other people. Otherwise, we give them permission to continue to mess up our lives. We give our future away.

The miserable person at work doesn't make you miserable, you choose to be miserable.

We have the power and the freedom to choose, to create our own weather each day.

Mood: inspired, sleepy
Drinking: cheap, coarse, black coffee
Listening To: habits of productive people
Hair: tied up

100 Desserts

2008-08-31T14:09:00.004-03:00

From WC over at ReTorte.

1. Bold what you've tried.
2. * What you've made.
3. ~~Cross out~~ what you wouldn't like.
4. Italicize something you've tried but didn't like.

I don't bake a lot and I'm not a real fussy eater, so I haven't met many desserts I haven't like. Some of the ones I crossed off, like coconut cream pie, just aren't my favourite thing but I'll enjoy a slice if that's all that's going around and I'm craving something sweet. It was fun to google what some of these things were to see from the ingredients if I thought I would like them or not.

1. Baklava
2. Chocolate Cake*
3. Blueberry Pie
4. Real Italian Gelato
5. Dessert Pizza
6. Lemon Meringue Pie
7. Rice Pudding
8. Spotted Dick
9. Amaretti
10. Jello Chocolate Pudding*
12. Spumoni
13. Angel Food Cake*
14. Creme Brulee
15. Deep Fried Ice Cream
16. Chocolate Fondue
17. New York Cheesecake*
18. Fruit Crumble or Crisp
19. Sacher Torte
20. Jam Roly Poly
21. Crepes Suzette
22. Quark Cake
23. Maple Sugar Pie
24. Key Lime Pie
25. Bananas Foster
26. Creme Caramel
27. Oeufs a la Neige
28. Baked Alaska
29. Gingerbread*
30. Blancmange
31. Linzer Tart
32. Carrot Cake
33. Steamed Pudding
34. Nanaimo Bar
35. Flan (the South American kind)
36. Sernik
37. Pastel de Nata
38. ~~Wagashi~~
39. Marzipan
40. Dulce de Leche
41. Gulab Jamun
42. Tiramisu
43. Moroccan Date Cake
44. Black Forest Cake
45. Scottish Shortbread
46. Halva
47. Clafuti
48. Pumpkin Pie
49. ~~Gajar Halwa~~
50. Plum Pudding
51. Pflaumenkuchen
52. Makroud el Louse
53. Eclairs
54. Palmier
55. Financier
56. Napoleons
57. Pastel de Tres Leches
58. Wagon Wheel
59. Treacle Tart
60. Date Squares
61. Eve's Pudding
62. Pears Poached in Red Wine
63. Snickerdoodles
64. Churros
65. Artisan Cheese Platter
66. Caramel Apple
67. Sex in a Pan
68. Devil's Food Cake
69. Red Velvet Cake
70. Mousse
71. Chocolate Dipped Strawberry*
72. Coconut Cream Pie
73. Semifreddo
74. Granita
75. Tortoni
76. Sticky Toffee Pudding
77. Peanut Buster Parfait
78. Zucchini Cake
79. Cannoli
80. Mont Blanc
81. Haupia
82. Eight Precious Pudding
83. Trifle
84. Popcorn Balls*
85. Ambrosia
86. ~~dessert soup~~
87. Pasha
88. Berry Fool
89. ~~Sweet Potato Pie~~
90. Bread Pudding
91. Raisin Pie
92. Strawberry Shortcake*
93. Apple Duff
94. Fruit Cake
95. Pineapple Upside Down Cake
96. Waffle Cone
97. Mango Sorbet
98. Truffles
99. Cherries Jubilee
100. Rice Crispy Square*

Mood: tired ... and HUNGRY now
Drinking: water
Listening To: not one blessed thing right there now
Hair: up in a pony tail

Green Festival This Weekend

2008-08-29T13:25:00.001-03:00

This Labour Day weekend do something green! ECMA award winning country band, The Divorcees take the stage with 30 other groups covering music genres ranging from folk and blues to rock and jazz at the first annual Green Festival being held near Clairville, NB, from 10am Saturday August 30th until 6pm Monday, September 1st.

Enjoy the great outdoors, catch some live music, buy natural products from local artisans and learn about practical and affordable eco-friendly energy and consumer choices, all while the kids have a blast in a supervised play area featuring bouncy castles, games, face painting, pony and hay rides. With over 100 acres of onsite camping available you can plan to enjoy a few cold ones at the beer garden, catch even more live music, sleep over and do it all over again the next day.

Advance tickets are $10 per person per day, $25 for a 3-day pass, kids under 16 $5 per day, and children under the age of 5 get in free. At the gate it's $15 per day, $35 for a 3-day pass, and $7 per day for kids under the age of 16. Buy your tickets online here. Tickets are also being sold at various locations throughout the province, for a detailed list visit www.thegreenfestival.ca.

Going green is affordable! Plan to enjoy a family fun day out AND save money! For a detailed list of bands, vendors, weekend highlights and directions to the festival site visit The Green Festival online at www.greenfestival.ca.

Back in the Ring for Another Swing

2008-08-25T10:26:00.002-03:00

I've been having a recurring dream. I guess it started late this past winter or early spring, perhaps March or April. In the beginning it showed up maybe once a month, but in the past two weeks I've been dreaming it almost every night. And it's started to bother me. I've been wondering what it means, what's on my mind. Recurring dreams, whether they're nightmares or not, drive me a little nuts and make it hard for me to get any decent rest.

The dream varies a little bit each time but the gist is I'm in Toronto, downtown at the Eaton Centre shopping, and the mall is super crowded and I have too many packages to carry and I don't seem to have enough money to get home.

The night before last Stacy was with me in the dream. We took a cab that cost $30 (ten bucks more than I had anticipated) and I was supposed to pay for it as I had invited Stacy along for the shopping trip and she didn't have any cash. It was like an SUV limo and we sat in the back with five of the cabbie's relatives he was taking to Scarborough after he dropped us off ... except he pulled over under the Gardiner ramps refusing to take us another inch until I produced the cash for the fare.

I had so many packages and shopping bags. Stacy and I were covered in them, I could barely find my purse. And then I found my purse and it was huge and bulging with stuff and I couldn't find my wallet amongst all the books, combs, make-up, phones, music, perfume, panty liners, pens, etc. And then I finally found my wallet and it was huge and stuffed with receipts and notes and I couldn't find any bills. I opened the change compartment and it was filled with quarters and dimes. Busting with silver change! I counted out $20 in change and then found a $10 gift certificate for some sort of ladies clothing store that I offered the driver to make up the difference. But he wasn't having any of it.

He took the change for the trip so far and kicked us to the curb. There we were huddling in the rain with a kazillion packages as traffic whizzed by on all sides and above our head.

In the dream I didn't really care about all the stuff; the stuff didn't matter at all. Every time I noticed a new bag or package, when I opened my purse to see all the stuff inside, the feeling was, "Oh God! Something else for me to carry! Something else for me to deal with!" I would have been content to give it all away to the homeless people living under the highway or to just abandon it by the side of the road, but who does that?! No, I couldn't shirk my responsibility. For some reason this stuff was important or I wouldn't be carrying it around in the first place, so I needed to make sure I got it home. There might be something in there I needed or gifts for the kids or ... well, who knows? I certainly didn't. And I couldn't just abandon a bunch of stuff without knowing what it was.

I woke up feeling really frustrated and overburdened. Still drowsy, I wondered again what these dreams mean. "I just have too many things to carry," I grumbled to myself. And then it hit me--I just have too many things to carry! Aha! I can't get where I want to go because I have too many things to carry ... symbolically, of course. As far as stuff goes, in real life, I literally don't have that much and I'm a frequent purger of flabby excess. But figuratively ... well, well, well, that's a whole other ballgame.

There is nothing like a week of the summer cold/flu to put life back into perspective. Or perhaps I only needed a rest. Regardless of what or how I got here, this morning I awoke a new woman.

I've been wanting to do some things lately ... like really sit down and figure out what I want to be when I grow up, like really sit down and determine some goals and direction and purpose for my life, like really take the time to put the Law of Attraction into use for my professional and personal life ... and like so many things worth doing I just haven't felt like I've had time to spare to do these things. But the dream tells me I need to take the time. These things are important and obviously weighing heavy on my mind.

I logged back into Sparkpeople this morning. You'll recall this website from my previous excursions into healthier living. It's a great site for learning all the how-tos of a healthy lifestyle. I have to say I've got the how-to part down pretty well. I know what I should eat and what I shouldn't. I know how much exercise I should be doing and how much I actually do on a regular basis. But logging into Sparkpeople and using the tools there to track my daily habits keeps me focused and gets me back in the groove. So after a week in bed and a weekend filled with cake, chips, and ice cream, I'm ready to put the needle on the record. I'm sure my trainer will be glad to see me show up at the gym to break the monotony of his afternoon. My health is so important to my energy levels.

But that's not all that's going on with me. I'm feeling some creative twinges. I'm getting antsy in the writing department. I'm craving order in the chaos that is currently my apartment. I'm longing for a routine that includes early morning personal writing. I am thinking of taking an extended blogging break in order to focus entirely on writing a book. It is difficult enough to do anything creative of my own with BnM constantly cluttering my brain, let alone blogging too. I think I need some space. I think I need to shift focus.

I know I've said this before but I'm really starting to feel like the time to do something is now. And I'm really starting to understand that I can't be a prolific blogger and finish my book at the same time. It's an either/or situation, not both, I've only got so much writing juice in me.

I guess this summer I've all ready been taking a bit of a break. I've not blogged much. Increasingly I find there are things I want to write about that I'm just not ready to share with the world at large yet. I need to write these things somewhere, while I have them in my mind, but not here, not now.

Anyway, I'm going on a bit of a hiatus. Knowing me I will most likely still blog once every week or two, but I'm not going back to a daily thing anytime soon. I'm going to take my mornings (my usual blog time) and use them for other writing. And hopefully one day soon I'll have good news about the completion of my manuscript.

Meanwhile, you can follow my twitter feed. If you're THAT interested in what I'm doing. It's hard to deplete your creative brain cells in 140 characters or less.

I need to unburden my life and figure out some things about myself. So I'm going to go do that and maybe I'll never have the dream again.

Mood: enlightened
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: buddy's washer upstairs
Hair: ponied

Oh Wouldn't It Be Nice

2008-08-22T13:28:00.002-03:00

Well a handful of non-drowsy cold meds, half a bottle of hot sauce, 4L of water, and one sleepless night later I emerge with more energy and lust for life than I've had all week. I now pronounce myself CURED!

Of course, just as I'm immersing myself in all the stuff that went by the wayside this week and feeling like I can accomplish everything, I have to pack it in, shut it down, throw some stuff in a bag and blow this popsicle stand. Yeah, my dog needs a sitter. And he's my dog. And I love him. It's not his fault the timing sucks. And I'm grateful he even has a place to live. So I go offline into the dead zone for the weekend and hopefully I will return with gusto intact and totally kill next week.

Mood: hyper
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: the fan! because it's actually sunshine and hot!
Hair: ponied because ... see above

Sickly

2008-08-21T12:54:00.002-03:00

I've been having a week. Feeling like crap on crack. Crap to the 10th power. Just crap. So this morning I woke up feeling no better, but the sun was out at least which is something. I got up, showered, made coffee, boiled the kettle for my neti pot, consumed bacon for some protein energy, and then popped some non-drowsy cold and flu medication. Me and non-drowsy meds ... well, it's a touchy situation. At this stage of the week though I really feel as if I have no other option. I need to get stuff done. I need to get better. I'm hopeful I can turn some stuff around today.

Mood: pretending I'm not ill
Drinking: coffee, black, water, wet
Listening To: skill saws and hammering as the renos next door continue
Hair: still damp from this morning's grooming

Scooter

2008-08-19T12:40:00.002-03:00

I have a cold or something. Sore throat. Chest filled up. Pain around my eyes. No doubt a result of running around barefoot in the wet grass Friday night. Will I never learn? I really need to buy me some styling rubber boots.

Because I didn't sleep Sunday night and because I have been sickly, I skipped the gym yesterday opting instead to snooze on the futon for a few hours while episodes of Damages looped on the computer. I'm just getting into this series, but I really like it a lot. It's dark and gritty and I sit at the edge of my seat expecting at any moment that Glenn Close will boil a rabbit. Hasn't happened ... yet, but nothing would surprise me.

So today I'm trying to get up the gumption to head back into the gym. I still feel like crap, only slightly less so. Part of me thinks it's probably good for me to sweat out some of the bad stuff lingering in my body. Part of me just wants to curl up with a hot cup of something and suck on lozenges all afternoon. It remains to be seen which part of me will rule the day.

Mood: grey
Drinking: sludgy left-over from morning coffee
Listening To: renovations happening in the apartment next to mine, new neighbors soon
Hair: growing like weeds

The Writer in Me

2008-08-18T19:52:00.002-03:00

I think I should write a book about dating in the 21st century. Seriously. I KNOW it would be funny! Oh, and educational. For sure! It could start with, "A magician, a prison guard and a backslid Christian walk into a bar ..."

But seriously. I am putting together a manuscript. I really am. An honest to goodness for real manuscript. I know, it's about time, right? Still, there's a huge part of me that doesn't believe anyone is interested in anything I've got to say. I know there are people who look to me and think I know a thing or two about this writing stuff ... damn! Have I ever pulled the wool over their eyes! :)

Mood: procrastinating, but trying to get back on track and write something
Drinking: water, but thinking maybe tea or hot chocolate is in order
Listening To: train whistling past enroute to Bathurst, Campbellton, Quebec City and Montreal by tomorrow morning
Hair: ponied up and clean

The More You See, The Less You Know

2008-08-18T09:05:00.003-03:00

Oh you look so beautiful tonight, in the city of blinding lights ...

Well here I am on a sunny Monday morning. I wish I could say I was early to bed, early to rise, but no such luck. No rest for the wicked. I guess I slept too much on the weekend. I did spend most of the day Saturday and Sunday either lounging or sleeping as I didn't feel very well. This translated into a restless Sunday night of trying to sleep, given up as hopeless by 5am this morning. I feel surprisingly well rested and alert for someone who's been up all night. But the big question is, will I be able to handle the gym on no sleep? Today is only upper body which is never as brutal as lower so perhaps it's possible.

Last week was a crazy run-around week for me.

Wednesday I went to the office for a BnM meeting and then met up with the girls for Chinese buffet supper at the Rice King restaurant in Douglastown. I've only ever eaten there at lunch time. It seems a little pricey for supper in comparison to the other buffets in town ... but I guess you get dessert so maybe it's fine. We got there late and I barely had time to taste my food, let alone digest, before we had to get to the theatre for the movie so I didn't get to enjoy supper much. We saw Mama Mia! And I loved, loved, loved it! I could have walked right back in and watched it again at the late showing. Pierce shouldn't sing, but he's gorgeous so he's forgiven. I even cried. And I never cry in the theatre.

Thursday I met a friend for lunch and had a great chat for a couple of hours about everything under the sun including writerly type stuff and more. Definitely need to do that again! It's so refreshing to have someone else, single, in her 30s, going through the whole dating madness, to talk with. God, I needed that!

Thursday night because it was the last time for The Dark Knight to be shown at our theatre, Stacy and I made a spontaneous decision to go to the movies for the second night in a row. This time we had no time for supper so we munched out on popcorn and nachos and chocolate and all kinds of junk. I loved the movie! The best Batman movie ever, in my opinion. And I really enjoyed the last one because of my boy Cillian, of course. I've never been big on the Michael Keaton ones to begin with, so I'm all about Christian Bale. I just like him. He's a good Batman. But Heath! OMG! He was such a great Joker. Better than Jack. It's such a sin that he's gone and won't be able to do more.

Friday night I went to the Napan Fair with the family and children. It was wet. There were flies. No really, there were FLIES! Like thousands of them! Houseflies, not black flies. It's because of the horses and livestock, but still ... there's something unsettling about bags of cotton candy covered with houseflies. Needless to say any urge I had for a candy apple didn't last long. I was covered to my knees in mud. Very reminiscent of the long weekend family reunion. And my feet are still cold. As if the flies and soggy ground weren't enough, it actually piss-poured rain and I didn't get to enjoy any of the events in the ring other than some border collies herding sheep and ducks and jumping through hoops. My aunt's event was postponed until the following day. So I pretty much ruined my sandals and got all wet for ... the ability to say I've been ... without actually seeing anything. I would go again next year, but only in good weather.

I'm going to Fredericton next month to participate in a Small Press Fair. It's the same weekend as the Side by Side literary festival so I'm going to take in some events for that too. And this weekend I also noticed that same weekend is TNB's midnight production of Rocky Horror, so I got tickets! I'm psyched about it! Makes for a busy weekend, not a lot of sleep, but I think it'll be something to experience for sure. I'd been debating whether to go or not, but since I'm going to be in town anyway, that just sealed the deal for me.

Yesterday, I got invited to an authentic Cajun feast happening next month too. Someone from Louisiana who I've only met through email and has written about Mardi Gras and Hurricane Katrina for BnM is coming to the Miramichi to visit. I'm excited to meet him after all these years and happy to have been invited to the dinner he's preparing. Should make for an interesting evening for sure.

And now I should stog some protein down my throat and try to make my way to the gym.

Mood: getting a little foggy
Drinking: coffee, black, cold
Listening To: email dinging into my inbox
Hair: laundered and wild

Wicked Wednesday

2008-08-13T09:28:00.002-03:00

It's happened ... yep. I am addicted to Big Brother. How does this freaking happen?! I didn't watch Season 6 but All-Stars hooked me back in. Then last year I didn't watch at all, but this year I'm right back in the saddle again. Why?!

Big day today! BnM Meeting, supper with the girls, and MOVIE NITE! Yay! Mama Mia! Here I come!

Mood: happy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: BB10
Hair: ponied

In Repair

2008-08-12T09:33:00.002-03:00

We've kind of got this unique situation going on living here in New Brunswick, in the Miramichi region, which our ancestors settled when it was nothing but woods and wild animals and native tribes, where the greatest majority of our family still reside and will continue to call home well after I'm dead and gone. There's this overwhelming sense of family and community here. How could it be any other way? I think we tend to take it for granted until someone comes along who doesn't have deep family roots to any part of the world, who was merely born someplace and then settled elsewhere and elsewhere and elsewhere, who's family are scattered throughout the corners of the earth only to be seen once every few years if they're lucky. These people seem almost like freaks of nature to me, so far removed from my experience is theirs. But in reality there are probably a lot more people living that life than there are living one like mine.

I've been reading Nancy Huston's The Mark of the Angel, which is set in France in 50s, 60s and beyond. The Second World War is close in the public conscious. Memories surface of slaughter in Hungary, Poland, and more. Conflict is happening in Algeria. There are freedom fighters and ethnic killings and displaced persons.

I've noticed the news about Georgia and Russia.

I wonder about Afghanistan and Iraq.

I think about genocide and try to fathom how we the people of the world can allow these crimes against humanity on the African continent and beyond.

I'm reading Sally Armstrong's The Nine Lives of Charlotte Taylor, about the first woman settler of the Miramichi, the Mother of Tabusintac, who left her family behind to come to the new world to live the life she always dreamed of living.

All these people displaced, either being forced to flee their homes for fear of death or feeling they must abandon their roots in order to move forward.

It's something I don't think many of us living here with our deep family ties can even imagine. Yes, some people move away and don't come back. Yes, a whole lot more of our people are going out west to work. But it's not the same. It's not even remotely the same. Imagine if soldiers came in the night with machetes, with guns. Imagine if they slaughtered everyone in their sight and burned our homes and businesses to the ground. Imagine if we had no choice but to run away on foot with nothing but the clothes on our back and try to get out of the country. Try to get on a ship that would take us to refugee camps where we would live like animals in a barn relying on the kindness of the world to feed us and look after us. My God! How would we survive? Would everyone be strong enough and lucky enough? Imagine having to suffer the grief of losing family members forever.

I can't imagine. I just can't. It seems impossible these things happen in the world. And yet Canada is a country of immigrants, many of them first generation, many of them having witnessed and escaped from the terror of war. Meanwhile I sit here in my beautiful life with the roots of my existence so deeply embedded in this place that I physically ache for the river's landscape when I am away and I know there are horrors happening that I cannot even imagine, that I would be better off emotionally and mentally just to ignore and pretend into non-existence, and I know we should do something, the good citizens of the world should do something to stop this ... but what? I sign a petition to pressure government. I say the occasional prayer. I donate the random dollar ... what else is there? What can we do?

Mood: deep introspection
Drinking: coffee, french, black, organic, fair trade
Listening To: jubilee, patti smith
Hair: ponied

Men Are Like Lightbulbs

2008-08-11T13:12:00.002-03:00

You just keep screwing them until you find the right one. They tend to burn out with time. All of them are not equally as bright ... Thanks, Swingers!

It's not over until the fat lady tries to strangle you. Ha!

And that's all I'm saying about that.

***

Yesterday was one of those glorious fall-like days with sunshine and cool breezes that make me feel reborn. I needed a day like that. Badly. I've been a little off. All summer. Since before summer even. But no more! I'm back! And I mean business! This week I'm going to take time to do goal setting. Real goal setting. I need to check in and remind myself of the goals I set out with at the beginning of this year. I need to look at my list of 101 things and see if they're still relevant to my life. I need to ask myself what I want and nail down some solid answers. This week I'm focused on seizing control of my life. I feel like I've stepped to the sidelines and been willing to just accept whatever happens, rather than make what I want to happen. I've been without direction, wandering aimlessly, dealing rather than seeking or creating. But no more. Sunday morning I was reborn and also reconnected with the me I used to be--the me I was when I first moved back to Miramichi, the happy me who had a direction and a purpose, the me filled with gratitude and love. I know things are not right in my universe when I'm not blogging everyday. And I haven't been blogging everyday all summer. But that's changing starting today. I'm back! And I'm better than ever!

Mood: energized
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: boats chugging past on the water
Hair: tousled

Renegade

2008-08-07T13:36:00.003-03:00

I haven't been doing very well this week. And last, if I'm honest. And the week before that if you want to know the truth. It's mostly physical. Summer is not my best season. Winter is. And I guess I can't do anything about that. It is what it is. When it's really cold. I mean see your breath, fog rolls in the door when you open it, kind of cold, I live a basically pain-free existence. There are no swollen ankles. There are no achy hands. There are no sticky knees. Ten years ago I would have laughed in your face if you tried to tell me that winter would one day become my favourite season. Who could've known?

So I've done myself a great disservice by spending a weekend outside in the rain, soaked to my knees in mud. By the time we left the reunion on Sunday my hands were so achy I couldn't hold a cup. And I would've needed to hold a cup and slap back a bunch of drinks to have lasted the rest of the afternoon. I feel like my feet will never be warm again. My legs are stiff and swollen. My hands are still aching and numb. I haven't been to the gym all week. I have no intention of going (and it appears to be closed anyway, which makes that decision easier). The dampness is right in my bones. It's in my bones and it hurts. And the constant pain puts me in a foul mood. And the pain exhausts me. And the constant exhaustion frustrates me. And I just want to hide under the covers and weep. But I'm too tired and frustrated to even cry. It all takes too much energy. And I have none. No energy.

This is an arthritis flare. It won't last forever. And it's been quite some time since I've had one. I consider myself lucky. I used to feel this way more often than not. And that was not good. Most times I manage. Some times I don't. Right now, I'm not. But I will again. I've been through worse for longer. I'll come out of this too. Maybe all I need is a sea salt soak. Maybe all I need is a pair of wooly socks.

Mood: tired
Drinking: red bull
Listening To: smodcast
Hair: longish

Big Weekend Upcoming

2008-07-31T13:21:00.002-03:00

Lately I've been feeling very much out of control, like my life is running me, not that I'm running it. I'm very tired a lot of the time. Trying to cling to some sort of routine. There just seems to be too much to do, too many people to please. Something's gotta give soon, or I'm going to keel over. My dreams this week have been wicked. So real. So intense. Makes for exhausting sleep. Every weekend this summer I've had plans. And heading into August, I still have plans. This never happens. I want a weekend to just stay home alone and watch movies. To turn off the phone, curl up in my jammies on the futon and drink wine and eat dark chocolate. I'm actually looking forward to fall and winter, to a slower pace, to a steadier routine. I feel like I've been running flat out since the middle of March. Oh well, I pound back another energy drink and get ready to go to the gym. I'm enjoying the gym. The gym seems to help.

This weekend is the annual Coughlan family reunion. There may not be as many people as in previous years. Rain in the forecast. A lot going on elsewhere including the Eagles concert in Moncton and racing in Chatham. But I'm going. I'm actually looking forward to it and don't care if nobody goes. I'm hoping to relax. To just chill out. Of course it's more likely that I will turn into party animal person, stay up too late, get up too early, eat too little, need two days to recover, but still I have the hope of rest and relaxation. I think I'll make some jerk chicken nachos to take with me. They were a hit with some last year. Too spicy for others.

Mood: tired
Drinking: sobe
Listening To: thunder
Hair: ponies

Onward

2008-07-23T13:16:00.003-03:00

The days are rolling by with me barely hanging on in the whirlwind. No time for blogging, still. And stuff has been going on. Lots and lots of stuff. Interesting stuff and boring stuff. But I'm not going to tell you any of it! And some of it, I know, you'd really like to know. Maybe later, in another life, when we are cats.

Left yesterday morning around 6 on 2 hours sleep and headed to Grand Falls for a seminar on the Law of Attraction. Did not return until nearly 9pm. Worked til nearly midnight. Slept very late today. Feeling much better. Crunch week at BnM. Looking forward to the weekend when I have a date! Yes, a real one, and no, that's all I'm saying about that, details under wraps for now. Also thinking some friends might be coming in from Toronto. As yet, unconfirmed. But that could be a lot of fun.

Mood: tornado in the brain
Drinking: coffee, black, organic
Listening To: crows cawing and another bird sounding oddly like a rooster
Hair: needing a little tlc

Meme Again

2008-07-21T09:13:00.002-03:00

I got this from Wandering Coyote.

I am: fabulous!

I think: life is awesome

I know: a positive attitude is essential

I have: wonderful friends and family

I wish: I didn't need sleep

I hate: procrastinating

I miss: my dog

I fear: losing the people i love

I hear: birds chirping, old guy grumbling downstairs

I smell: coffee brewing

I crave: intimacy

I search: for a better understanding of myself

I wonder: about everything

I regret: nothing

I love: good books, fine wine, hot 'n spicy food

I ache: when the humidity is high

I am not: perfect

I believe: in myself

I dance: around my apartment while i do housework

I sing: when i'm alone

I cry: when i see cruelty

I fight: for what i believe in

I win: sometimes

I lose: sometimes

I never: travelled to europe

I always: wanted to go to ireland and italy

I confuse: others sometimes

I listen: to rock music

I can usually be found: at home in front of the computer

I am scared: of spiders and snakes

I need: protein

I am happy about: my life

I imagine: my life will only get better and better

Mood: optimistic
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: sneezing
Hair: damp

Chillz

2008-07-17T17:00:00.003-03:00

I realize I haven't been blogging much. These are busy times. Our regular blogging schedule may not commence until fall. In the meantime, I try to twitter some. It's the best I can do.

Mood: chillin' with john
Drinking: water
Listening To: msn piping in
Hair: headbanded

Been Sweltering & Busy

2008-07-11T14:13:00.003-03:00

So we had a bit of a heatwave. My apartment was not a pleasant living/working environment for sure. I don't mind heat, but humidity is not good. A few night's this week I stayed up all night and worked rather than beat myself up about not being able to think during the day. I continued to go to the gym though, which was kinda nuts. Working out in the heat of the day during a heatwave takes some freaking dedication, let me tell you! Today is much cooler. MUCH! It's like I've moved to a completely new planet. But today I cancelled my training because I'm packing to go to Fundy. Leaving later this afternoon. And there's so much to do, that I didn't want to try and cram in a work-out too and get all stressed. I think that's okay.

I'm feeling a little ill today, sinus headache, queasy. Maybe I should check the expiry on those egg whites ... Cannot wait to be twittering from Alma!

Mood: excited, rushed
Drinking: water
Listening To: the fan
Hair: forgotten and neglected

Sticky

2008-07-02T19:19:00.002-03:00

The humidity is high. How do I know this? My joints are swollen :( I hate that! Nevertheless I went to the gym today. Even though I have blisters on the pads of my feet the size of loonies and my head feels like it's going to pop off and my knees are locking and my fingers aching -- despite everything I walked down, trained, and walked home again. I even agreed to go walking this evening at the cove (which thankfully got cancelled!) because dammit getting into shape isn't easy and it's time to suck it up and stay on the move. But crap, this humidity sucks the big one. Honestly.

Today after I showered I just laid on the bed wet and naked for 20 minutes unwilling to move. I don't have A/C, just one fan. I keep the windows open for the breeze off the water, curtains closed to block the sun, lesser people would die in here, I'm sure of it.

My trainer remarked with surprise that he already noticed a difference in me today. I've only had four sessions. But it's true, I also notice a difference. My weight has always been pretty touchy, in that I can lose pretty quick and gain even quicker. Really, all I've done so far is walk more, drink more water, eat more frequently and go to the gym four times. I think I'll save the calorie counting for the plateau. That's the one thing everyone can count on.

Mood: tired
Drinking: nothing, need water
Listening To: a transport climbing Ledden hill
Hair: headbanded, slick, greasy, damp with sweat

Contact!

2008-07-01T12:17:00.002-03:00

So I found a sister and my brother called me, I'm good to go! My brother and I are going to go downtown to the parade this afternoon and then to Ritchie Wharf for awhile. His girlfriend has to work until 4pm, so he's kinda on his own today too. It'll be nice to get out for a bit and take in some of the festivities. Last year I went to Blackville and didn't get to do anything around here, so this is a first.

I have to say I'm feeling really good today. Really, really, really good! Yesterday I had my third training session, upper body for the second time plus cardio. Today I'm not even really sore, which is fabulous. I walked to the session and home again, did 25 minutes on the treadmill. Stacy phoned and she was coming into town to return a movie and wanted to make the most of the trip so we went for a walk at the cove and then grocery shopping at Sobey's in Douglastown. I finished the day with 10,623 steps. I was physically tired when I dropped into bed last night. That always feels good.

I bought some good groceries, all healthy stuff. My one indulgence was hot chocolate (which totally satisfies any urge I have for something sweet) and even then I did not buy the super duper gourmet kind but rather the Compliments blue brand with 40% less calories. Spent a whopping amount of money on food though and didn't seem to come home with much. That would be the cost of buying meat. I got some t-bones, Maple Leaf prime boneless skinless chicken, and boneless skinless turkey breast. I also got some meatless burgers, just because I do love them and they can fill a protein gap at lunchtime pretty darn quick.

And now I'm off to ready for an excursion! Happy Canada Day, folks!

Mood: chipper
Drinking: coffee, black, and water
Listening To: buddy wandering around upstairs
Hair: still headbanded

Might As Well Go Eat Worms

2008-07-01T11:35:00.002-03:00

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, might as well go eat worms :(

A girl from Belfast who I worked with used to say this and pout when she was feeling overworked (and everyone frequently felt overworked at this place).

I've been calling my mother but she isn't answering. I keep getting the machine. I think it's much too early for her to have gone to my aunt's for Canada Day already. It's only 11am! So I call both my sisters and get voicemail. Sherry just blogged an hour ago about all this stuff she had to do before leaving including making squares for godsake, so you can't tell me that they're not home. Yes, everyone is home, and everyone is ignoring me. All I want is my brother's new cell phone number. Anybody? Anybody? HELLO! Is this thing on?!

Yeah, so then you get: Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, might as well go eat worms :(

Now you understand.

Mood: playful
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: the fan swishing air about the room
Hair: headbanded again

Summertime

2008-06-30T12:17:00.002-03:00

You make me feel something like summertime
Top down ain't nothing but time
Radio's on and you're by my side
Feels something like summertime
Like that first slow dance and that first long kiss
There ain't nothing baby better then this
It's like a beach blanket and a bottle of wine
It feels something like summertime
Summertime
-- Bon Jovi

You know the weather so far this summer absolutely totally blows, sucks lemons big style. Nothing but rain and clouds and thunder and lightning and more rain and clouds and humidity and wind and on and on and on. Blech! BUT (and that's a big but) it honestly doesn't seem to make a freaking difference. I'm having a great summer so far! And everyone I know seems also to be having a great summer. Why is that? I can't speak for anyone else, but yesterday John Mayer blogged about this summer. And he nailed it:

My point is that whenever that someday comes, when I slide into the MRI scanner and the thing starts spinning up, spitting lasers and screaming into my ears, I may very well say to myself "I wish I had just one more of those summers."

I don't care if it rains every day all summer long, I'm going to have a great one, because I'm young and healthy and I love my life. I love my family, my friends, my work, my home, everything. Life is fabulous!

***

I had a great weekend. Saturday evening Stacy arrived at my house for a sleepover. We don't do this very often. We always say we're going to do stuff, go places, but we seldom seem to bring the plans into action. So we were excited! We went to Jungle Jim's (hadn't been in eons) and had chicken quesadillas then booted across the street to the movie theatre and the early showing of Wanted. Loved it! Go see this movie! Angelina kicks some serious ass in this one. And James McAvoy ... oh boy! He's a cutie! I really enjoyed it.

After the movie we went to the liquor store and bought some refreshments then headed back to my place to have a drink and abandon the car. We cabbed to Chatham just in time to catch the Sail Past of Lights, which was pretty disappointing at only three boats. But lots of people out and about on the Green. Water Street was blocked off for a street dance and there were vendors selling food and drinks. Echo was playing and they weren't bad. When we first arrived I thought the band might have been a John Fogerty/CCR tribute band, but they soon moved on to other types of music even the Scissor Sisters.

We travelled around there for a bit and then went to O'Donaghue's Pub. By the time we arrived, it was a little later and the place was packed with a line outside waiting to get in. Not having any other plan we decided to wait it out, and 25-30 minutes later we were in. The house band Mooseknuckle were playing. They're pretty good, entertaining. We had a good time. Lots of laughs.

Stayed til closing and made it home in one piece though in a round about "dropping off everyone and their dog first" way.

I had a hang-over Sunday morning, which I didn't really understand because I didn't seem to drink all that much (yet I did seem to be quite drunk). I guess I had one of those night's where I'm an easy drunk ... or else one of the bachelor party guys tried to eff me up by slipping me something ... nah, I was just an easy drunk. I could feel it right off the first glass of wine at Jungle Jim's.

Anyway, I was totally hung-over Sunday morning and Stacy had not put in a very good night either, so we got dressed and ventured out for breakfast. We decided to try Mike's Bar & Grill because they advertised an all-day Saturday and Sunday big breakfast special. It is a big breakfast. It comes on two plates, one with pancakes, the other with eggs, baked beans, deep fried potatoes, toast, and choice of bacon, ham or sausage (we had bacon). The pancakes were pretty tasty. My beans were ice cold. The bacon was too smoky. The potatoes were overcooked. The place was dark and dreary. The music was an all love songs all the time satellite radio station (think Jim Croce's Time in a Bottle followed by The Carpenters We've Only Just Begun). The waitress appeared to have never worked in food service before, though I'm sure she's a lovely bartender.

In other words, this is the place where people go to die. Seriously. Feeling suicidal? Not sure whether you can pull the trigger or not? Go to this place, have a drink, and by the time you leave you'll be so depressed you'll likely forget about the gun completely and just rush right out into the street in front of the next big transport truck passing by. I'm not kidding. We did not stay long. We did not eat much.

After breakfast we went to SuperValu where everyone and their dog apparently had gathered for some Sunday afternoon shopping therapy. Then Stacy dropped me off and headed home.

The black screen of death greeted me when I booted up my computer. "Oh God! Not again!" I cried. I crossed my fingers as I waited for the computer to go through it's little corruption check while I hoped the O/S would catch and start, not shut-down. Ten minutes later it started up. Whew! Narrow escape. But yeah, it might last another year or it might not start up the next time I turn it on, so I immediately took some time to get my affairs in order and backed up my work onto disc. My inbox has 0 messages currently. To be fair it only had 14 or so yesterday, but there were some important ones that would have been a bad loss. I have been doing a decent job of dealing as things arrive. Now the thing can die and I won't lose anything.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening lying on my futon draped in my fuzzy blanket and watching episodes of Mad Men and Swingtown. I really enjoyed the first season of Mad Men and can't wait for the second. I watched a few episodes of Swingtown and it seems really good too. Check them out, if you haven't.

Mood: scattered
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: me, typing
Hair: dirty

Your Time is Gonna Come

2008-06-28T09:35:00.003-03:00

Feeling a little agitated today. I know what's got my goat. Trying to get past it, talk myself through. Doesn't always work. Sometimes only musical immersion therapy helps. So I've cranked Zeppelin.

I still remember the first time Kevin played the Houses of the Holy album for me. An actual album, vinyl. It was the late 80s. I was listening to Madonna, Cher, Cyndi Lauper, the Bangles, Fine Young Cannibals, Roxette ... and I was on a country kick because it made me feel a little closer to home to listen to Shenandoah, Clint Black, Rodney Crowell, The Judds, Ricky Scaggs, Kathy Mattea, Holly Dunn, the Desert Rose Band and of course, my mom's favourite, Alabama. I was in no musical frame of mind for Houses of the Holy. Perhaps if I had toked, but that was never my thing.

I remember sitting on the floor as the needle grooved along the record. "I don't like this," I proclaimed shortly. He was astonished, how could anyone not like Zeppelin's Houses of the Holy?! "It scares me," I continued. "It's too dark. I can't listen." He pretty much dismissed my musical tastes as being nothing more than "bubble gum" from that moment on -- we could share a love of Billy Joel, but I'd never "get" The Tragically Hip. I meant that Zeppelin was too emotionally overwhelming for me on that particular day and time, not that it was bad. I just didn't want to be melancholy, to think too deep, to be too happy, to feel too much ... because if I felt too much I would cry, and I most definitely did not want to cry in front of this man who was so perfect and godlike in my eyes.

I never bothered to correct his incorrect perception of me. I let it drop, let him think I didn't like Zeppelin. So I suppose I probably shouldn't have been surprised many years later when he didn't get my irony as I teased that Alanis Morissette's lyrics were nothing but "bubble gum." We had been separated and hadn't seen each other for a few years, but I guess I thought he knew me better. So what was supposed to be a playful personal joke hearkening back to the early days of our love, turned into a "I can't effing believe you and your high horse" lecture from a man I didn't recognize. Again, I didn't correct him. My silence confirmed his perception.

This is something I do. My sense of humour type is ironic/sarcastic. I deliver a line that is directly opposed to my personal belief, which I believe is completely obvious to anyone who knows me, and most times I think is so generally absurd as to be completely obvious to anyone who isn't some sort of religious or right-wing extremist freak.

I do it without thinking, it's an automatic reaction ... but I'll deliver this completely absurd line without flinching, without cracking a smile, as if I honestly believed what I was saying (hence the irony of the joke). And I would stop doing this all together if I could, but out of everything I do this is the thing that is the most natural and unconscious, like breathing, like sneezing ... I don't seem to be able to do anything to stop it because it happens so quick ... I have no freaking idea where it comes from.

And more often than not, although it's probably really only 25% of the time, people take me at face value, like Kevin did with Alanis. And I don't correct them. I just let them think whatever I've just said, which is the direct opposite of what I really think, is what I think. I let people's perceptions of me get skewed. And I'm not just talking strangers, colleagues, general acquaintances, I mean my best friends, my parents, my sisters, the people who are closest to me. When it happens I say nothing, and people take my silence as reinforcement.

Why do I do this? I mean with strangers and general acquaintances, it doesn't really matter one way or the other, and I really shouldn't be expecting them to understand my sense of humour anyway because they don't know me from a hole in the ground, so I get what I deserve if they think I'm arrogant or twisted. But close friends? Family? How come I never speak up and say, "I was kidding." Maybe I do sometimes, but generally, I don't. I just don't. I sit there like a ninny and generally take whatever tongue lashing they're dishing out or listen to their argument for the "other" side ... which is really the side I'm all ready on ... oi! It's complicated, I know.

As I sat quietly listening to Kevin tell me what an unimaginative uncreative non-artistic soul I must be if I couldn't see the poetry in the lyrics of Alanis, I felt like I had been slapped in the face. At one time this was the person I was closest to in the world, and yet here was proof he didn't really know me very well at all. Obviously, he didn't remember how he used to tease me about my "bubble gum" music. He didn't get that Alanis was such an amazing talent that for anyone to say otherwise was absurd and therefore, "Isn't it ironic?" By the time I came around to the point where I could speak without crying because I was so upset, it seemed too late to say, "I was kidding you freaking moron."

It hurt me on a very deep level and I never thought of him in quite the same way again. To be honest, I never really enjoyed Alanis much after that either. I always associate her with the hurt of this memory.

It's funny how such simple little things can have such an impact on our lives. I have an ironic sense of humour. A lot of people don't. A lot of people don't get the irony in my humour, or they only get it some of the time. A lot of the time it doesn't matter if people get me or not, but sometimes it does, when it's my family and close friends. Maybe I can't control the jokes, maybe they'll just spill out unannounced and unpredicted like always, but I should at least be able to speak up and say I was kidding. If I could get past the shock and hurt and "I'm all alone in the world" feelings just a tad bit quicker, I wouldn't be five minutes into a heated argument and saying, "I was kidding," would be a helluva lot easier to do. I can work on that. Maybe all it takes is setting the record straight one time and not letting people walk away with a completely ass-backward skewed view of me.

***

Years ago I was out at a party with a friend and I did it, I made an ironic joke. After an awkward silence, I was just about to fess up (because it's easier to say you're kidding if the other people are not close friends and they are silently standing there passing their judgment rather than trying to bring you around to the right way of thinking) when my friend laughed, "She's just kidding." My silence confirmed his theory, as I turned and looked into his eyes with amazement. "Wow! I think he sees me, he really sees me!"

Somewhere in the world there is a man who thinks he has known me as well as I know myself. We shared our most intimate secrets and loved each other deeply for many years. He has no doubt that I hate Led Zeppelin, The Tragically Hip and of course, Alanis Morissette. Somewhere else there is a man who knows very few of my secrets and has no idea he knew me like nobody else.

Mood: less agitated having written this
Drinking: coffee, black, water, wet
Listening To: eyes without a face, billy idol
Hair: headbanded like an 80s Olivia Newton John

A Trojan Weekend

2008-06-27T11:43:00.003-03:00

Thanks to Wandering Coyote for bringing this to my attention. Loves it!

Well, the Canada Day celebrations begin this weekend and I might actually be going places and doing stuff. Cool. Plans are kinda coming together. Now, I need to clean my house and put my ducks in a row.

Not as sore today though I've got some inflammation happening in the neck which is both arthritis and exercise related. So far it's not excruciating and I'm not too concerned. Looking forward to going for training this afternoon. It'll be good.

Mood: having a laugh
Drinking: water
Listening To: birds
Hair: frizzy

My Life ... Wild?

2008-06-26T11:01:00.003-03:00

Bopping to Talking Heads. Thinking of you, sir, of course.

So I started my day off right with a balanced breakfast that included an egg white omelet and only half my usual coffee intake. Set my cellphone alarm to remind me to eat something every few hours. Water bottles have been filled and chilled and I will empty them all into my belly before day's end. These nutrition things aren't so hard once I get into the swing of things, but I've been off-track since mid-April so it takes a few days.

Yesterday I had my first training session. I did 25 minutes cardio on the treadmill. I could have done more because the treadmill is my best friend, but we were just easing me in and seeing where I'm at, what speed I need to go to get my heart rate up to fat burning mode. The treadmill was easy but then we moved into strength to work my upper body muscles and this is a completely new territory where I know nothing. I've never used any of the equipment. I've not really so much as ever lifted a dumbbell. Well, you know, I have little dumbbells that I've used on my own before ... but did I have proper form, did I know what muscles I was working, did I have any freaking clue what I was doing ... no, I did not. So the strength exercises were a learning experience for sure. I'm totally out of my comfort zone there.

It was good though. We took our time, he explained things well and corrected me when I needed it. He didn't push me so much that I would dread going back, but I'm so out of shape that today I'm a little sore so I know that we worked muscles that haven't worked in awhile (maybe ever!) Tomorrow we'll do more cardio and lower body. I feel like I'm probably stronger in my lower body than upper but we'll see.

So that's it! I paid my money and I'm in, for better or for ... better! There is no such thing as worse on this subject. The only thing that could constitute worse would be if I didn't go, if I didn't commit, and that is not an option. I've made a financial investment so now I've got to make sure I get my money's worth, end of story.

Mood: psyched
Drinking: black coffee, water
Listening To: cry for love, iggy pop
Hair: entering a longish stage

Good Rockin'

2008-06-24T22:31:00.003-03:00

It was tough growing up in rural NB with only two tv channels and no FM radio. Everything I knew about music I learned from Stan the Man on Switchback CBC Sunday morning, the New Music magazine with JD Roberts and Jeanne Beker, Good Rockin' Tonight with Terry David Mulligan and then Stu Jeffries and WNBC out of New York that would come in on the radio in my dad's car late at night when the air was clear. Big old Ford LTD, black, tan/taupe interior, possibly a 1974 or '76, two door. I'd sit out there discretely smoking until I knew my parents had gone to bed and wouldn't catch me, twisting the dial until I heard the call sign -- wNbc! That's how I saw it in my head, all lower case except the N, they always put the emphasis on the N. I'd hope the signal would last until Imus came on in the morning. I loved the promos for his show. But as the night wore into morning the static would pick up until finally the station blinked out like it never existed. God, those were simpler times! I was reminded of this when a friend told me about this 80's Music Festival happening in Saint John.

Mood: nostalgic
Drinking: hot chocolate
Listening To: my jaw snapping as i chew gum
Hair: fluffy

Briefly

2008-06-24T12:14:00.002-03:00

It's pretty warm, humid. My head feels terrible. Heavy. Paining. I need to buy some Advil maybe. Am heading over to the Park Inn for a working lunch with my Mighty partners in crime later. A late lunch because of other meetings and things, but still, it will be lovely.

Yesterday I did something extremely uncharacteristic of me. EXTREMELY! I mean I have no idea who that girl was yesterday, cuz the Kellie I've known for 39 years would not be caught dead doing what I was doing. Here I grow again! It's uncomfortable so it must be good.

I went to a gym. Yes! Really! Me! In a gym! I didn't work out. I went for a consultation with a personal trainer. I went because I was curious and I fully expected that I would get an unpleasant vibe off the guy or the place or something and that would be the end of it and I'd go home and eat nachos and drink wine. But that didn't happen. I actually believed the guy when he said he would take my health goals on as if they were his own. I actually liked the idea that if I don't show up he's going to be calling to see where the hell I am. And after about an hour of chit chat I felt that his way of training meshed with my way of wellness and balance thinking and I committed myself to three days a week. Poof! Just like that the Kellie who doesn't believe in gyms, who thinks it's a big waste of money, who believes anything you can do in a gym you can accomplish at home with a set of weights and a yoga mat ... that girl died just enough to allow me to make a huge investment in my personal health and fitness. And I mean financial as well as time investment.

I am still in shock. Can't believe I've done this. I will have to sacrifice ... lots of stuff! ... just to pay for this. And in a way that also made sense to me, that surely if I make that huge of a financial commitment (this is the most expensive place in town, doctors wives go there for godsake, all the rich biz guys, etc.) surely if i invest all of my savings and have to scrabble every month to pay the fees, surely, surely, surely, I will not take this hit to the pocketbook lightly and I will do the work and I will get my money's worth. Right? I absolutely refuse to be one of the people who pay the membership and never go. Uh-uh! No way! If I pays my money, you can be damn sure I'm showing up.

I feel certain that this might be the only way for me. Left to my own devices I am mostly a lazy sloth. Now, I'm going to have a guy keeping an eye on me and depending on me and pushing me. Crazy! I'm still in shock. This is a whole new world for me.

Mood: adventurous
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: the fan recycling the humid air
Hair: stringy

Three Thirty Three

2008-06-21T23:37:00.000-03:00

OMG!

Fault Lines

2008-06-20T10:52:00.002-03:00

Something has happened. Something I haven't experienced in ... so many years I can't remember the last time. Something marvelous and inspiring and ... more ... so much more.

Wednesday, after only about five weeks of reading I finished Richard Ford's Independence Day and felt a kind of sense of accomplishment. Whenever I take time for reading not work related it's a bit of an event. I read A LOT! I read all day, every day, no time off for bad behaviour. The bulk of my living comes from reading and I work all the time.

I don't read many books for leisure in the run of a year because generally it happens right before I go to sleep and I can only get in a couple of pages or 15 minutes max before I fall dead away and usually I'm not that into the book anyway so putting it down in favour of sleep is easy. Remember The Davinci Code? That took forever to finish. I couldn't turn off the editor part of my brain that desperately wanted to whip that book into shape. I find it impossible to lose myself in a poorly written book. But turning to the classics or more skillfully written modern literature doesn't always work either. Yes, my internal editor won't nitpick the writing (though my internal writer will admire certain phrasings and techniques and note them for future use) but literature can be dense. It can require a lot of thought and effort to process. And after a long day, I'm often not up to the challenge.

So on Wednesday afternoon during lunch I finished Ford's book with a sense of accomplishment because it really hadn't taken that long to get through and even though I didn't feel particularly moved or provoked in any way I didn't feel cheated either. The experience was not unpleasant. And nine times out of ten the experience is at least a little unpleasant. I have the next novel in that series but I wasn't immediately drawn to find out what happens next, so I went to the bookcase to see what else was on tap.

And that's when I noticed Nancy Huston's Fault Lines. I purchased the book a couple of months ago at Frye Festival. She wasn't the reason I went to Frye (Russell Banks drew me). I hadn't read her, hadn't even heard of her before to my knowledge. But I noticed right away that she was the draw for many of my peers.

I attended a round table discussion in which she participated. Four authors discussing the a-ha moments of writing. I came away with the sense that she was a very opinionated and private person. She left me a little cold to be honest. She seemed ... lofty, guarded, controlled. I immediately went to the bookstore and bought another member of the panel's book. But I was still curious enough about her to attend her solo evening event.

A trio of musicians played exactly the right notes at the right time while Nancy Huston read from Fault Lines in English and French. Except this was no ordinary reading. The characters are all children and she became each of these children one after the other and it didn't matter that I couldn't understand the French parts and it didn't matter that I had a not so great opinion of the author before the event, she became the children and I was mesmerized. During the performance (because it totally wasn't a reading) she sang and danced and totally abandoned herself to become her characters. It was the most amazing literary event I've ever attended, and I've attended a lot of amazing literary events. Afterward I immediately rushed into the lobby and bought her book, having gained a new respect and awe for the woman as an artist.

Fast forward to Wednesday, bed time, picking a new book after finishing Richard Ford's novel and finding myself uninspired to immediately continue with the next in his series. My eyes slid across Nancy Huston's name in the bookshelf and instantly I was transported back to that auditorium and the most magical night of literature ever, so I plucked the novel from the herd and settled into my bed for a few minutes or pages reading. And then I got lost. Two hundred and fifty pages before I looked up and noticed the time. Really late! I hated to stop but I didn't want to stay up all night either. So I set it aside, turned out the light and tried to drift. Flash! Crack! Lightning. Thunder. And I'm up. I'll just finish to the end of the section ...

At some point I slept for a few hours and then finished the novel. Two sittings. Hours of reading at one time. Completely lost in the story. THIS never happens to me anymore! I had forgotten the joy of a good book. How it makes me want to write. How it makes me want to read more books. Well written, yet easily accessible. Brilliant! I loved it so much that as soon as I finished I wanted to start at the beginning and read it again. I didn't. I am loaning it to my mother first. When it returns I'll read it again. If you haven't already, read this book. It may be one of my favourites of all time.

I have since moved on to Russell Banks (the Frye draw) and so far that reading is going well too, more quickly than the Ford book, though I have been able to put it down and go to sleep.

Mood: inspired
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: crows fighting with seagulls over crusts of bread
Hair: uninspired

Sukie in the Graveyard

2008-06-17T11:28:00.002-03:00

I don't need the Full Moon icon on my calendar to alert me to the fact that tomorrow is the night. Long-time readers know my sleep pattern is disrupted by the cycle and my dreams go off the charts around the full moon. Last night I went to bed relatively early (11'ish) in hopes of waking at 5:30 and taking a long walk. I read for a bit (just after midnight'ish) but couldn't get my to-do list off my mind so I took a few minutes to electronically whip it up on the cell that I'm increasingly finding more purpose in owning.

Then I drifted ... back to Toronto ... where I ran into everyone I ever knew there and several people I didn't. We went to movies, shopped, rode the streetcar, had several affairs, got into some fistfights, drank a slew of Cosmos and many bottles of Dom Perignon, attended concerts, danced in the streets with sports fans, brunched, lunched, supped, snacked, met rock stars, danced in clubs, tried on every stitch of clothing ever made as we searched for the perfect outfit, interviewed for new jobs ... and on and on and on ... until I woke at 3:30am completely worn out and crossed my fingers that in the next dream I would fly to someplace less stimulating.

Back in dreamland my prayers were semi-answered as I found myself leisurely wandering around a nearly empty antique shop. Just me and a boyfriend in this huge dusty shop housed in what once must have been a magnificent mansion. In case I haven't mentioned it, I am always aware I'm dreaming. I haven't mastered the remote control yet, but I generally know I'm in a dream. So I was surprised to see which (now ex) boyfriend my brain conjured to accompany me on this dream excursion. Surrounded by the soothing scent of old books I settled into what would surely be a more relaxing type of dream that would take me the rest of the way to 5:30 with enough rest to pull off a morning walk ... and then the rest of the bus tour passengers rushed in along with a stern efficient guide who barked, "Five minutes, folks! Quick like bunnies! We've got 250 more scheduled stops today!" My heart sank as I realized my brain wasn't done torturing me just yet, but at least I had a good companion for the trip I thought and turned to take his hand. Of course he was long gone, morphed into a more disturbing ex, the one who might poison the water in my bottle if I let it out of my sight. Lovely!

And just like that the dream turned to nightmare with me running and hiding in the huge mansion antique store as I searched for the canteen so I could buy a new bottle of water. I opened one eye at 5:30 to see rain and fog outside, feeling like I'd been clobbered by a baseball bat in my sleep, the ache of exhausting dreams mingling with arthritic inflammation brought on by the weather. I rolled over and returned to my dreams, hoping I'd find myself back in Toronto, which at least wasn't life and death frightening just exhausting. No such luck, but at least I was in line at the canteen about to buy a new bottle of water. Of course I had no money I realized as I came to the front. Somebody had stolen my purse. Lucky for me another ex was in line behind me and offered to buy me a drink. And then the canteen changed to a bar and we were laughing and flirting and playing pool ...

I didn't get up until after 10. I've drunk a pot of coffee. I feel like I pulled an all-niter. Every bone and muscle in my body is aching. This is what a full moon does to me.

Mood: foggy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: over the hills and far away, led zeppelin
Hair: unkempt

101 in 101 Update

2008-06-16T11:04:00.003-03:00

Briefly updated my 101 in 101 list. Want to revamp the whole thing, start fresh with things that matter to me now. Might get to that this week sometime.

My arthritis is acting up today. A little achy in the knees and fingers. A whole lotta sleepy and lazy from pain.

Went to the folks for Father's Day. Got caught up on Corrie and had a bbq. Spent some quality time with my furry beast.

Mood: tired (i know for sure because my mood ring has come back)
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: typing
Hair: stringy and needing a cut

First We Take ...

2008-06-14T12:49:00.003-03:00

Last night's birthday celebration turned into Kellie's Pub Crawl 2008. Me, my sister (and DD), and two friends I haven't seen in awhile and always enjoy hanging out with. We started at Boston Pizza with BIG salads and desserts. And drinks (at least for me ... one Cosmo, a glass of red, and a Spanish coffee). Unfortunately the patio wasn't open but that was okay. Our waitress screwed up the bills a whopping three times which was freaking hilarious.

After dinner we crossed the bridge to Chatham and O'Donaghue's Irish Pub. There wasn't much going on there so early, and we had already eaten so we just stayed for one drink (a red wine for me) and headed back to Newcastle having made plans to return later in the month when Jake Stewart is playing there.

Two of our party had never been to the Black Horse Tavern before in the Miramichi Hotel, so we hit it up next. Two glasses of beer for $2.50. Dirty men groaning and smacking their lips at us when we crossed the floor. We played pool and laughed and danced to old songs on the jukebox. Fun times!

After our excursion into the Black Horse we went down the street to the Boulevard Pub. It seemed to be having a bit of an off night or something. The music was too loud, a big screen tv showing golf overpowered the room. I've been in there during the day before, and it definitely seems nicer during the light of day or something. Plus I made the mistake of ordering the house wine, Piat D'or (which I loathe) out of a box (which is rarely drinkable). They do have some lovely wines there, including Wolf Blass Yellow Label, so it wasn't their fault I should have ordered better. The washrooms were really nice and clean though as I took my first and only pee break of the evening causing one of our party to exclaim, "How can you drink so much and pee so little?!" It is a gift. Once upon a time though I would go the whole night without venturing into the public washroom. Just saying.

The night was getting on and we still hadn't found a crowd or anything much exciting (not counting the Black Horse experience) so we left The Boulevard seeking our last stop of the evening ending up at Jack's Oasis Pub. There was a band finishing up a set as we entered and sat at what has to be the widest table ever to find a home in a bar. We marvelled at the old man levitating across the way and I ordered a drink called a Porn Star that tasted like blue Mr. Freezies and the bartender told me was her specialty. It was pretty good but I downed it fast so we could get the hell out of there.

By then I was ready for ice cream and home, so one quick Ben and Jerry's stop later I found myself sprawled on the futon watching The Darjeeling Limited. I watched about 45 minutes before I fell asleep and woke cold and cramped at 5am when buddy upstairs finally stumbled home (without his truck again) from where ever he had been playing poker and/or getting laid. While he clumped around upstairs I made my way to the spare room and crashed for another 5 hours or so.

I can't remember the last time I pub crawled ... if ever. It was an interesting and fun way to celebrate my birthday. Thanks girls! I had a great time.

Mood: i couldn't say ... someone has stolen my mood ring
Drinking: coffee, black, perked
Listening To: lawnmowers and seagulls
Hair: approaching critical thickness

Bday Weekend Celebrations Begin

2008-06-13T10:41:00.002-03:00

On Sunday (Father's Day) I celebrate my birthday. I was born on Father's Day so it's always fitting somehow when the dates line up again. We had planned a Sex and the City party for Saturday night to celebrate (which would have been so freaking fabulous!) but then Empire Theatres announced their weekend schedule and lo and behold the movie wasn't being held over another week. Bummer! So then the scramble started to make other plans.

As a result last night one of my sisters, a friend and myself went to see the movie, tonight my other sister, myself and hopefully some other friends are going out for pub food and cocktails. It's not exactly the weekend I had envisioned but that's okay.

The clothes and the shoes in the movie were fabulous! I love, love, loved the wardrobe! I liked the movie. I will likely buy it on dvd and definitely go see another if they make one. The Miranda/Steve storyline had me tearing up a few times. I don't want to say too much in case you haven't seen it yet, but ... the Carrie/Big storyline kind of didn't do it for me. I felt their ending was rushed and unrealistic. It felt underdeveloped or something. But this is no way ruined the fabulousness of the film for me. I loved it! Flaws and all! If it was still playing I'd go see it again tonight. I mean the shoes for godsake are worth the price of admission.

Mood: cheerful
Drinking: black coffee
Listening To: the washer spinning
Hair: bed head

Wild Wild Life

2008-06-12T08:12:00.002-03:00

Can't listen to Talking Heads without being reminded of Kevin Smith. Can't be reminded of Kevin Smith without laughing. Talking Heads, Kevin Smith, laughing -- all good stuff! Especially in the morning when one needs some get up and bop energy. So today I've got to get my shit together. I need to go out and buy some freaking groceries for one thing, it's been slim picking since I returned from the trip and I've actually taken to going out to the Esso for ice cream treats in the evening, which can't be good. So number one on my list today is a trip to Sobey's. Followed closely by number two: clean up this freaking sty you call home!

Yes, if you recall things were a bit insane leading into the trip, not a lot of time to get my affairs in order before leaving, couldn't even get all my work done before I left and had to take the whole first day to finish when I arrived. I also did not have time to tidy up my abode before I left and sadly I have not taken any initiative on that front since my return, until now. Today I must tidy because I could very well have a guest/guests this evening. The powers in charge of our local theatre have decided not to hold the Sex and the City movie over for another weekend, so now tonight is the last night. There goes my birthday party! Out the freaking window!

So now at least Jenn and I will go to see the movie tonight. I've asked all the girls but who knows if anyone can make it. My birthday will now continue tomorrow night at the Opera House for burgers and wings and Jakebreak is playing. At least Sherry and I will go to that and again I've asked all the girls, but who knows if anyone can make it. And just like that, Empire Theatres have ruined my birthday. I now have two dates with two sisters who can't make it on the same night and perhaps no friends :( Oh well, it's only a birthday I guess and not even a huge milestone one, so I guess it doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things.

And now I best be getting to things.

Mood: awake
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: the stroke, billy squier
Hair: needing a little trim

The Rest of the Story

2008-06-11T13:10:00.005-03:00

I am back home again. Whew! What a whirlwind! Last night I slept in the spare room, mostly because I was too lazy to clean off my bed which I left in a shambles of last minute packing scramble. But I also wanted to sleep someplace where I wouldn't be able to wake up and see a clock, so I could just stay in bed until my body said it was time to get up, because if I wake and see the clock blinking morning I will get up. As a result I stayed in bed until after 11, so I must've needed the rest.

Monday afternoon I ventured downtown on my own to attend a taping of The Hour. I took a bus east to the St. Clair W subway station then rode south all the way to Union Station where I exited onto Front Street and started walking west. By this time I was kind of hungry so I figured I'd grab a bite somewhere along the way. I thought about treating myself by going into the Royal York in search of eats but by that time I had gone past and would have had to backtrack. I considered REALLY treating myself by lunching at Azure where Stacy and I got the most incredible eggs benny ever on the last trip, but I just wasn't feeling very fancy, and it was so freaking hot, I just wanted to disappear underground into a dark nook or cranny. And then I remembered! I was heading right toward the Canyon Creek Chophouse where Stacy and I had enjoyed steaks and garlic bread and rich desserts. I had said I wouldn't go without her ... but ... damn! I was hungry and it was RIGHT there! So I went in and opted to sit in the bar area in a cute little 2-person booth. I had a really nice California cab. I did not order the amazing garlic bread but just had regular bread with maple butter. I ordered the lunch prime rib which came with creamy mashed potatoes and crispy onions. It was okay but a little underdone for me. Then I had an espresso and the pecan pie for dessert. I couldn't remember anything about the pie from before, just that it was rich. I totally forgot that it was freaking huge and a meal in itself. Nevertheless I sucked back half of it and by the time I was done lunching it was time to go to the CBC.

I went into the CBC store and looked around but didn't see anything I wanted to buy, or should I say I saw nothing that I wanted to carry for the rest of the day and back to New Brunswick. Have I mentioned that it was over 34 degrees with humidity pushing the temperature much higher setting new records for Toronto? I found my way to the right entrance for The Hour on John Street and entered air conditioning just in the nick of time before I died of complete heat exhaustion.

I was a little early and not sure where I was supposed to be so I went up to the security desk to inquire. I'm standing there waiting when I hear a familiar voice. I turn and Brian Dennehy is standing right beside me barking into his phone. His handler or agent or what have you was the girl being helped in front of me. Kinda cool. I was one of the first people to arrive so I went to stand along the wall and wait to check in. While I was standing there George walked by about a half dozen times always pausing to say hello and high-five people, thanking us for coming. Again, kinda cool. Also while I waited in line, Salman Rushdie came in with his agent or manager or what have you and was introduced to CBC staff right in front of me. Nobody else in the line seemed to recognize him or something and I must've had an oh-my-god-it's-rushdie look on my face because when he went to go up to the studio he looked at me and nodded and we said hello. Very cool.

They took us upstairs in small groups of around 25 people. I was in the first group. Once upstairs we were offered snacks of Sun Chips and corralled in four lines. George was still running all around. They had a big tv set up outside the studio and hooked up to Guitar Hero. Anyone who wanted to could play to try and win comfy seats on the leather couch for them and their guests. I've never played before so I didn't try. The guy who won was an addict anyway, so nobody could have beat him, but it didn't matter I ended up with a better seat than the couch anyway. You don't get to choose your seat, they have a guy who seats you, and he put me in the front row right beside George's chair directly facing the guest. Best damn seat in the house! Seriously!

George talks to the audience during commercials answering questions and requesting feedback. They also give away prizes. They had several copies of Rushdie's book, gift certificates for massages, cosmetic prize packs, a funky looking vacuum and a bunch of other stuff. I didn't win anything, but I didn't care, less stuff to carry you know, and I was just happy to be there.

It felt like Rushdie was speaking directly to me throughout his interview, he seemed to be looking right at me. Of course I was sitting right beside the camera, so I'm sure that's what he was really looking at. Dennehy was really entertaining. And we had an extra special treat because they pre-taped an interview with Muhammad Yunus that will air on tonight's show. So look for me in the audience tonight as well. After the show I waited around and met George and got my picture taken with him. If I can ever figure out how to get it off my camera, I'll post it on Facebook or something. I watched the show later and saw myself in the audience several times. If you go to The Hour website you can watch the interviews and look for me.

When I came out from the studio into the heat I saw it had rained recently but it hadn't cooled off the city any. I walked back to Union and took the subway up to St. Clair West where I promptly lost my head to humidity and jumped on a streetcar heading east ... it didn't take long for me to realize I was going the wrong way so I got a transfer and switched. By the time I arrived at Taia and Ian's I was an addled wilted mush brain. Yes, stupid with the heat. It happens. But I cooled down eventually and we spent the evening reading, watching a movie and then The Hour. We went to bed kind of late amidst a terrible thunder storm. Wicked. I think something close by must have gotten struck by lightning. At one point everything went dark for a couple of seconds. I did manage to get some sleep though. I had the alarm set for 4:45 am but woke up on my own at 4:20 and just got up rather than bear the sound of the alarm first thing. Taia got up and wished me a good trip. I showered and packed and was waiting on the front porch when the airport taxi arrived around 5:30.

I had absolutely no problems at Pearson whatsoever. Security were in better spirits than the guys in Moncton had been. Westjet gates were right there and my flight clearly labeled. People were lined up forever to get into the Tim Horton's, so I opted for the much shorter (one person in front of me) line at an independent coffee shop, where the coffee was perfectly fine. I got a coffee, apple juice and bagel with cream cheese and settled in to wait. Our flight was delayed by 10 minutes. I later learned this was because they were waiting on a connecting flight from out west, which was eventually diverted to Hamilton and we ended up leaving without those passengers anyway. One minute we had sunshine outside the wall of windows and the next there was nothing but black with the clouds seeming to press right in on us to the point where you couldn't even see to the end of the gates where the planes waited for boarding. Rain lashing the windows. Lightning brightening everything. And our flight delayed by another 10 minutes. Not that I wanted to fly out in that storm. Tornado was definitely a concern. But the weather lifted and we eventually started to board. Now my main concern was arriving in Moncton in time to catch the bus to Miramichi.

The captain spoke with us at the beginning of the flight to calm anyone's nerves about the delays and the weather. It worked. At least on me. I was sitting in seat 13F, window seat, but right on the wing, which kind of sucked for looking straight down when there was a break in the clouds and you could see the ground. The flight was uneventful. I watched a little tv and enjoyed the world outside my window. I wanted to strangle the guy sitting next to me who used his cellphone during the flight, but I figured it can't be THAT dangerous or else they'd ban the damn things rather than trust people (idiots) not to use them ... right? They would, right? Anyway, that's how I kept myself from freaking out on his arrogant ass. Because by this time I was starting to get really tired and cranky. We made good time to Moncton flying higher (44,000 feet) and faster (560 mph) than we had on the flight to Toronto. I didn't have any bags checked so once we were on the ground I just exited and grabbed a cab to the bus station downtown arriving in lots of time to catch my bus.

I dozed in and out most of the bus ride. In Miramichi for some strange reason there were no cabs waiting, so I called one and then shared it with an older lady going to Chatham. Yesterday afternoon I mostly just chilled and watched Sex and the City episodes, stumbling to bed pretty early, where as I've said I slept very well. Today, I feel a bit like I've been hit by a truck. Sore. Tired around the eyes. Needing to clean up and get back into the routine.

Mood: worn
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: i'm deranged, david bowie
Hair: greasy

Just Like Riding a Bicycle

2008-06-09T10:39:00.002-03:00

The last time I came to Toronto was January 2006. It was a mild winter, no snow, no winter jackets or boots required, we roamed the streets in light spring jackets. I hadn't been back to the city since I left my great job and my boyfriend in a burned out state of meltdown at least a decade earlier. A lot had changed. A lot hadn't. Stacy and I went nuts hitting all the touristy type restaurants and filling our days with activities. By the end of that trip I returned home having had a great time but feeling dead certain that I would never want to live here again, that I could never integrate myself into this lifestyle again. So it's strange to find myself on the morning of my last day feeling a little wistful about leaving. I think I have fallen back in love with this city. It will be interesting to see how I feel as we fly away, back in Moncton, at my apartment. But one thing is for certain, I need to come to Toronto more often.

On Saturday afternoon I ventured out to Etobicoke to visit with the Hetheringtons. I saw some old friends and I met some new ones. I drank more beer than I've had since the days of the Power Track. I stayed up really late talking into the wee hours. And then I slept in the little room upstairs and remembered the night I slept there with Kevin and watched Thurman peeking in to see who was with his son. I got up before everyone else, made coffee, let the cats outside and looked around at all the pictures on the walls and mantles, some I remembered because they were old, some I knew nothing about because they happened after my time. Isabel got up first and we sat and talked. MB got up just as I was thinking I should head out and I set a course in my head. I left with hugs and a good feeling.

My body seemed to go on auto-pilot as I walked down Foch to Woodbury where I used to live. I looked down the block to see if I could see anything familiar about the old apartment, but there was nothing to see. I walked out Woodbury to Brown's Line where the crosswalk has gotten a whole lot more complicated and Pizza Pizza is now a Subway with a Dunkin' Donuts on the opposite corner. I crossed to the bus stop and waited. They told me all the buses go to the subway now, I could get on anyone that came. I thought I'd have to wait a really long time because it was Sunday, but it wasn't long at all. The bus was called Shorncliffe, which was a new route for me. The buses are more sophisticated now with a recorded voice announcing the stops and a screen displaying which one is next. We went to Kipling Station. Back in the day we always went to Islington instead. But I'd been to Kipling a lot of times when I would take a taxi home or Kev would pick me up at the kiss 'n ride. On the subway I studied the route map and decided to get off at Bathurst and see about catching a bus north to St. Clair W. Just missed a bus, so we had to wait. I confirmed with another passenger that the bus would definitely go where I needed it to go. They're doing a lot of construction on Bathurst, so the bus detoured, going west on Dupont to Christie and then north to St. Clair. I got off on the corner of Christie and St. Clair, crossed the street and started walking east reading the sign posts at streets to see if I could find Wychwood. Easily done. A couple of blocks later and I arrived back at Taia and Ian's just as they were leaving for Mad's piano recital.

I showered and changed and went out to sit in the shade in the backyard and read a book. They came back about an hour later and we went to see a movie at a theatre in Yorkville. We tried to get VIP seating, which costs a lot more, but you get a nice seat with a table and staff serve you your popcorn at your seat. It's a limited group too, but unfortunately they don't have VIP seating for kids, because I guess not all children are as well behaved as Madeleine. Regular seating was fine, roomier than the Empire Theatre at home and better spaced it seemed. I got nachos at the concessions, which were huge in comparison to the ones at home and a huge diet coke, which I totally needed (and consumed) because of the 20 beer from the night before. We saw the new Indiana Jones movie. It was okay. I have the urge now to revisit the first one. I enjoy Shia always, so it was interesting to see him in this kind of role. They lightened his hair and gave him a James Dean type of do. There were many parts where you completely had to forget everything you know about physics and common sense in order to buy into the story, but I guess that's probably standard on the Indy films.

After the movie we went home and barbecued hamburgers and grilled potatoes. Yummy! Mad and I played games while we waited for dinner to be done. Then we made ice cream in this contraption that fascinated me. It is like a manual ice cream machine, you can take camping or anywhere. We rolled it around the floor playing catch to mix the ingredients. It was ready in an hour and it tasted really good. After Mad went to bed Taia and I sat and talked for a bit, then I read, and then I went to bed, I thought pretty early but it was going on 11. I stayed in bed this morning a little later than normal, which might have been a mistake considering I have to get up really early tomorrow to go to the airport.

Today I'm going to the taping of The Hour at CBC. They changed the time until earlier so now I have to go on my own as Taia can't get off work. But that's okay. It'll still be fun. It's Strombo for godsake! On the website it says the guests on the show tonight are Salman Rushdie and Brian Dennehy, so maybe that's who I'll be seeing. Or one or the other if an interview was pre-taped.

And now I'm tired of typing and starting to think about other things. My next blog will be from NB.

Mood: calm
Drinking: nothing, but coffee earlier
Listening To: birds chirping outside
Hair: greasy from humidity

Closing Time

2008-06-07T13:43:00.002-03:00

Chilling in front of the A/C after brunch on a patio at a lovely restaurant. I had the Canadian bacon eggs benny with cajun potatoes, coffee and a mimosa. The eggs benny were not the stuff of legend Stacy and I still cannot speak of without drool puddling in the corners of our mouths, but they were still pretty damn good, and the cajun potatoes were amazing, spicy, but not overpowering, just interesting. I like being on vacation!

The city is hot and sticky. Apparently it hadn't been before I arrived; jacket weather all along they say, but no more. There is still a breeze though. It's not the sweltering "lying naked and still on the floor with fans aimed at my head, my torso, and my feet, sweat trickling down the small of my back, too weak to open my eyes" kind of humidity I remember. That first summer I moved back to New Brunswick my mother and I were at war over windows; whether to leave them open (she) or keep them closed (me). I would lie on the couch in the living room wearing my Ryersonian sweatshirt and black leggings, rolled into a flannel blanket, insisting the wind was cold. She would sit on her rocker by the open window wearing shorts and a t-shirt, her face red with heat as her breasts grew damp. But it wasn't much of a war; her house after all. So I spent that first summer shivering in sweatshirts and jackets while everyone else complained about the humidity. Humidity?! What humidity?

Of course now I've acclimated to NB and I feel the humidity there again. I don't know whether it's grown worse or whether I've just grown less tolerant, but I find it can get pretty bad. As bad as what it is right here, right now.

I cannot get Leonard out of my head. I hear his voice and see his sway. He is sublime.

Mood: cooling
Drinking: nothing at the moment
Listening To: the hum of the a/c
Hair: frizzy from humidity

Still My Man

2008-06-07T09:09:00.002-03:00

Last night Taia and I went to the Leonard Cohen concert. What a surreal experience! Truly this was a once in a lifetime opportunity for me and many others, excluding the couple from Oregon who are rumored to be following him around. After last night I'd follow him if I could. Yes, the man is pushing 75, and he seemed a little frail and unsteady at times, but he's still sexy as anything. I'd go home with him, if he'd have me :-) And so would have most of the ladies (and likely some of the gentlemen) in the audience last night. It was a male voice that yelled out, "We love you, Leonard!" during the second half of the show. I had goosebumps when he sang my favourites: Tower of Song, Suzanne, and Hallelujah. But I nearly lost it all together when he recited "A Thousand Kisses Deep." Wow! Overall it was a great show. I expected greatness but it even exceeded my expectations. His voice was perfect. He was so gracious, humble and appreciative, frequently tipping his hat to the performers sharing his stage who played everything from mouth organ and steel guitar to sax and mandolin. His singers were fantastic. I simply loved everything about it, from the elegant dress to the simple lighting in deep purples, greens, blues, reds ... It was a night to remember and cherish forever. Totally worth the bucks. I'm so glad I came.

Before the show Taia and I went for a drink at C'est What, a pub which has been around forever, since the days of Rye High. After the concert we met up with a few of her friends for a drink at an Irish pub around the corner. It was a little loud for my taste, difficult to converse. Then we went to Ferro where Ian was working, had another drink and walked back to their place. Got to see some of Ian's sign and artwork along the way. Some really nice stuff.

True to form I woke every hour throughout the night and finally just gave up around 6:30, got up, made the coffee, showered and got ready for the day. Mad had a sleepover last night (her first!) and we're picking her up around 10 then heading out for brunch with another Rye High Alum I haven't seen since back in the day. Should be fun. This afternoon I'm off to Foch for a BBQ with the Hetheringtons. I've got a bunch of magazines for Isabel, I think she'll like that. I think it'll be nice to see MB and catch up on all the goings on. There are people I'm curious about, curious to know what happened to them, where they ended up. In the haste of the last visit I never got to inquire, so hopefully today will be more relaxed and conducive to this type of reminiscing.

Mood: alert
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: neighborhood waking
Hair: damp but drying

Quick Update

2008-06-06T10:39:00.002-03:00

I know I said I wouldn't blog, but hey, I have time, so here I am. I ended up staying up all night Tuesday in preparation to catch the bus to Moncton early Wednesday afternoon. I just had an awful lot to do, workwise, and tripwise, as it was I just made the station in time and left a kitchen with dirty dishes. It started raining around Kouchibouaguac and continued all evening in Moncton. My cab driver to the hotel was young and chatty, originally from Montreal, he reminded me totally of Emmanuel. Yeah, remember him? Ugh! I had to wait in line to check-in for 15 minutes. It wasn't my usual hotel, which kinda sucked, though it was much less expensive. Some sort of government conferences were happening in town and every decent room was booked.

I was not immediately impressed with the quality of my room. The bed was hard, the pillows [only two] were flat, and I desperately wanted some javex to go over the tub [which says an awful lot]. I figured I would have to get up about 4am to go to the airport, so I immediately went to the adjacent restaurant to get some supper and ingest much wine in order to help me get to sleep early. I ordered the chicken breast dinner with rice pilaf and a half litre of red. I drank and wrote while waiting for the entree. The rice and vegetables were marginal but the chicken was quite possibly the driest thing I've ever eaten. Terribly overdone. I ate what I could stomach and then moved on to a dessert of deep fried ice cream with caramel sauce. Given the amount of sauce, I should have opted for strawberry or chocolate, as caramel was a bit too sweet, but other than that, it was good. I polished off my wine and returned to my room.

I called Mom to let her know where I was and turned on the tv. I was just flicking through, really uninterested, when I happened upon Rogers First Local just as a reporter starting talking about the JDRF Walk, and then there were Jules, Abby and Jenn doing their interview. I immediately called Jenn but she was out so I told Jason. There was a long shot of the walk in progress that showed Team Keenan too. Kinda cool.

So I slept pretty well, got up at 4 feeling rested and refreshed, and went to put on the coffee while I showered. Nothing could have prepared me for the scuzzy coffee maker. I nearly puked. It kinda looked like the person before me had in fact puked in the filter holder. Terrible! I went straight to the comment card on the desk and wrote a nasty note about cleaning the damn room and the coffee maker in particular. You can imagine how cranky one might be at 4am without coffee.

So I showered quickly trying not to think about the state of the tub and got the hell out of there, leaving my room by 4:35 to check out. I had pre-booked a cab and off we went to the airport, stopping at tim hortons on the way to get coffee, which i immediately had to toss at the airport without so much as a sip in order to get through security. My cab driver pissed me off, taking the long way to the airport to get a bigger fare, then rounding up on the dollar.

I was concerned about security because there are so many rules and the staff are quite serious about them, but I had done everything all right and other than wearing a belt with metal rivets that I probably should have taken off, it went smoothly. The coffee shop was open so I got a coffee and a juice and waited to board. The flight was fabulous. I forgot how beautiful the world is at 41,000 feet and 460 mph. Pearson was easily navigated and I got a nice airport limo with a good driver. Traffic was pretty good, so I arrived at Taia and Ian's pretty early, before she even went to work. I spent most of the day working on bnm stuff that I needed to finish up. In the afternoon I took a brief nap because I was dead tired.

Last night we went out to dinner to a lovely restaurant in the Kensington Market area. Needless to say last night's chicken breast dinner was fantabulous! Not at all dry. I realized I'd never been to Kensington Market before, which was odd, so we looked around a little. Some really interesting arts and crafts and things happening there. Afterward, Taia and I watched an old movie. I think I dozed off a couple of times, lol, and then I went to bed and fell asleep during a wonderful thunderstorm. Yes, I actually like them here, because there's so much for the lightning to strike besides me :-) I slept late and feel great. Now, I'm going out exploring and tonight is the concert.

Now you're up to date!

Mood: joyful
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: birds chirping
Hair: greasy but soon to be washed

Here Comes the Flood

2008-06-03T23:46:00.003-03:00

I flipped my calendar in the kitchen to June. This month the bunny says "You go girl. And don't come back." Lovely! And timely! Cracks me up.

This is likely my last post for at least a week. I'm heading to Moncton tomorrow, Toronto the day after that. With luck I'll be back early Tuesday afternoon. With no luck it'll be Wednesday afternoon. I will be updating my status via Twitter though. You can follow my escapades on my twitter profile page or get your own Twitter account and follow me proper with updates to your phone or your browser. I'm going to be able to do these updates because today I finally broke down and got a cell phone. I know! I've been such a hold out and I honestly do not like the idea of being accessible all the time but it was time I guess. The idea of traveling alone without a phone was a little daunting. You know, just in case something happens, pay phones rarely exist anymore. So I guess I'm a little less eccentric today than I was yesterday.

I'm really excited to go now. I've been getting emails and phone calls from friends, confirming plans, and it's going to be great! All good stuff! I am still not packed, have laundry to do, have to figure out what I'm taking, have to tidy up my kitchen, take out the garbage, finish some very important bnm work, and much more. It's a lot and it's late. The bus leaves for Moncton at 2:15 tomorrow afternoon. I'll have to go to the station around 1:30 so I have about 13 and a half hours left and that's it. Need to shift into high gear now. I think I'm developing an addiction to the SoBe Adrenaline Rush drinks. On Sunday I tried a blue can for the first time. I've never had a Red Bull or anything along these lines. I drink a fair bit of coffee and tea, but no pop or anything carbonated, nothing else with caffeine. But I wanted a little jolt for the walk and something cool and refreshing, so I gave it a try. Tonight I went out to the store and got another couple cans. I love the taste, and it does give you a boost, plus at only 20 calories it's a pretty good deal.

Today I got over 10,000 steps! Yay me! 4527 aerobic or 43 minutes, almost 4 miles. My step count should be high on the trip, lots of walking to be done around airports and in malls and Toronto is a place where you walk. Last time Stacy and I walked so much we had blisters on the soles of our feet. Very painful blisters! That shouldn't happen this time. Still, there will be much stepping just to get to the places I'm going.

Next weekend is my birthday. There had been talks of a party, but I was getting sleepy just thinking about it on the heels of the trip, so I've opted instead to have a girl's night at the movies. Hopefully Sex and the City will still be playing and I will continue to successfully avoid any spoilers. The movie, a couple of cocktails, girl talk, and call it an early night. Of course, you are all invited! Details to be confirmed upon my return. I've been watching the show from the first season. I'm on Season 3 now I think, Carrie is dating Aidan. I wanted to see all of them again before I saw the movie, but it's probably not going to happen. On the weekend, up home, Cosmo TV was running a marathon of the final season, so I caught the last 4 or 5 episodes including the series finale. That was good. When I first started watching the show I identified most with Samantha, then I slowly turned into Miranda and now it seems I've evolved into a full-blown Carrie. I should write a sex column. I'm definitely getting lots of fodder from the 30something dating scene in Miramichi!

And now I've blathered on long enough. Have a great week! Don't forget to follow my trip on Twitter.

Mood: psyched
Drinking: irish breakfast tea
Listening To: so long marianne, leonard cohen
Hair: getting some razor love maybe before I embark

Resolve

2008-05-30T08:14:00.002-03:00

What is the universe trying to tell me this morning? First, How to Save a Life from The Fray, followed immediately by Snow Patrol's How to be Dead, and now I've got some Resolve going on.

Had a helluva time getting any sleep last night. Felt so sleepy by 10pm that I went into bed. Read until 12:15. Then turned out the lights and went immediately into horror genre type dreams, though not nightmarish in any way. There was a murderer in a mask, but I was more curious about who the villain was, than terrified I was going to be next. Woke up at 2:30am thinking I must have been asleep forever and surely it was time to rise. Rolled around until 6:30, drifting in and out of the mask wearing horror dream in 10 minute intervals, where I was convinced the villain was a new Freddy Kruger, turned out to be a woman, which was no fun at all. Then laid in bed for an hour until the alarm went off at 7:30, just thinking about the day and all the stuff I want to do. Composed a list in my head.

Now, I'm up, had coffee, did all my morning routine, getting ready to go for a stroll at the cove with a friend. Then maybe breakfast will be on tap. I might even go out for breakfast. I'm reluctant to buy groceries when I'm leaving so soon. Oh and speaking of the trip ... I secured two tickets to the Monday taping of The Hour! Strombo, here I come!

I've also learned that R.E.M. are doing a concert while I'm in town, Sunday night. But I'm not going. I don't think. Mother says she's all ready played out just thinking about this trip ... no, she's not coming with me ;-)

Mood: cheerful
Drinking: coffee, instant, (blech!), black
Listening To: Man on the Moon, R.E.M.
Hair: not being combed until after the morning trek through the forest

And So It Is

2008-05-29T10:40:00.002-03:00

Just like you said it should be ... I can't take my eyes off you ... Despite the tunes, I'm having a pretty fantastic day so far. It is a grey rainy morning, perfect for Damien Rice and moody reflection, but I'm not getting sucked in! I will not submit! I will not submit!

I rolled out of bed when a friend called to remind me that I had promised to go for a walk around the cove this morning. The rain hadn't started yet, just overcast with a slight chill, and 15 minutes later we were walking. We only did one loop around, 15 minutes or so but still a great way to begin the day. I need to get back to some serious steps. We are planning to go again tomorrow morning.

Going out for lunch today, Chinese Buffet at that new restaurant in Douglastown, Rice King I think it's called. Need to go out shopping too at some point, maybe not today if the rain persists. I am needing to get Abby's birthday present and deposit my cheque to cover the rent.

Last night I requested tickets to The Hour for the Monday I'm in Toronto. Fingers crossed they come through. That would be awesome. I totally have to figure out the logistics of getting to the airport. I need to get a hotel room in Moncton for next Wednesday night. I'm so spoiled, of course, I want to book into the Beau. Can I really justify that financially? Nooo ... does that mean I'm not going to do it? We'll see. It still hasn't sunk in that I'm going. I just don't know how I can be this freaking broke and go away for a week. Obviously, I did not think this one through. Impulse travel. I'm out of control. I actually got quotes to Ireland from my travel agent. There is room in the workshop I'm interested in taking. They've been emailing me. The thing is if I totally max out my credit card, I cannot afford to pay the minimum every month ... I need to seriously keep this in mind. After Toronto I'll settle into a more frugal and sensible summer ... I hope. Need to reign myself back in.

Mood: excited about life
Drinking: coffee, black, water, cold
Listening To: Middle of Nowhere, Hot Hot Heat
Hair: silky

I Will Survive

2008-05-28T09:40:00.002-03:00

Cake's cover rocks! Loving it big style!

Woke up pretty early this morning, which was good. Though I haven't seemed to accomplish much with my day yet it seems.

Last night I went to Words on Water at the gallery in Chatham to listen to the Breach House Gang. Fabulous time! Particularly interesting was a reading from the artist who painted the painting I bought last month. She read from her memoir that she's writing. Fascinating, and now I have a brand new insight into the painting, the hands, the tree. Wow!

Also of particular interest to me was a reading from one of the members play. She asked a couple of people to read different parts. It's unusual to get plays in these types of readings, so it was really interesting to see it done and to have it work. All the readings were good. Enjoyable. Great evening.

I am going to have to take the bus to and from Moncton in the coming weeks as I make my way to Toronto. The bus isn't so bad, a bit longer than the train, but not the torture it used to be back in the days when we used to travel that route nearly every weekend. I prefer the train, obviously, but unfortunately it doesn't run on the days I am to travel, so there I go.

I am preoccupied this week. Muddy headed. Can't seem to wrap my brain around anything. Seriously need to get my hormones under control and focus on getting some stuff done.

Mood: foggy
Drinking: coffee, black, water, tap
Listening To: Army Reserve, Pearl Jam
Hair: needing a good razoring

Here Comes Your Man

2008-05-27T10:10:00.004-03:00

Listening to The Pixies. What a gorgeous morning! I need to find my way back to early mornings somehow this week. To do that I need to get to sleep before or shortly after midnight, and stop this 4 and 5am crap. I mean I'm in the bed, don't get me wrong, any time after 10 I get the yawns and head off to the sheets, I just can't shut off the old brain once I'm there. And when I do finally drift I'm still dreaming in play, which kinda sucks because it's over and done with.

I didn't go to the office yesterday after all, wasn't needed, but maybe today, haven't heard yet. I know they're doing the mailing labels because I got a couple of calls looking for a couple of missing addresses and other contact info for subscriptions, contributors, and the mailing. I need to update the website pronto with a new online edition and get the email version sent out asap. First though I must write the 250 words for the WFNB newsletter that I am nearly a week past due on. Maybe even too late all together. I'll knock something together quickly as soon as I post this. I've also got the galleys of a book to proof. Very nearly forgot about that all together, but noticed the pdf on my desktop and added it to the to do. I've also got a chapter from a friend that I promised crit on about three weeks ago now. So I added that to my list so I won't forget.

Tonight there is a Words on Water with the Breach House Gang coming up from Moncton. Most of these people are good friends of mine, so I'm hoping I can attend and don't get bogged down in BnM print production. Fingers crossed. But I'd better get to something soon then, huh?

Mood: fabulous
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: It's Your Life, Loverboy OMG! I totally forgot about this song! This is a version I haven't heard before tho ...
Hair: still blonde, not so dumb

Sympathy for the Devil

2008-05-26T08:40:00.006-03:00

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name ... Happy Monday! Another crazy week beginning. I am so tired. Fingers crossed I get some sleep sometime this week, cuz next week I'm outta here for a bit! Off to the big city and that's not going to be a restful excursion, lol. My flights to and from are insanely early. I need to figure out the logistics of all that trip stuff soon.

So this weekend was pretty good. INSANE, but ... is there any other way? Went to the movies Friday night and saw What Happens in Vegas with Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz. Great date movie! A good laugh. A drink and some conversation afterward, turned into me not going to sleep until the wee hours.

Up wicked early Saturday morning on a couple hours restless nervous semi-sleep. Had a hung over feeling despite having not been drunk. Rushed around all morning house cleaning and doing laundry and tidying up extraneous play details as I tried to get to the theatre early. Didn't happen. Got there about a quarter after noon. But the stage still wasn't set up so it didn't really matter, I could have been later even.

First run-through of the play was much less shaky than Wednesday night's rehearsal, which was heartening, though everyone was subdued, not bringing 'er just yet. Grabbed some Dixie Lee for lunch and then quickly ran through a dress rehearsal before heading backstage to suit up for the real deal.

Hair, make-up, singing, nervous chatter, jokes ... the wait to go on was a little brutal. I was so worried I was going to forget everything, that we'd screw up the lines and leave out the important part, like we had in EVERY rehearsal. But before I knew it we were huddled backstage listening to Sherry welcome everyone and talk about the cause, the girls, diabetes, which is never easy and at one point I even plugged my ears because I was starting to tear up.

Then the curtain opened and the boys went out to do their thing while I held my breath, freaking ... until they got a laugh, which didn't take long, and then I relaxed because I knew we were on and it was going to be ok. I forgot what it was like to be in a play. I forgot about the complete gut-wrenching wanna puke nervous energy turning into dead calm, complete focus. Wow! I can't believe I didn't remember that. I swear that's the lowest my heart rate has been in years, acting is better than yoga! Meditation even! And all this before I even made my entrance.

I stumbled a bit in the third act and needed to be prompted, but other than that there were no noticeable blunders on my part I don't think, and I remembered the important line in the first act that we'd never remembered before, which was good.

After expenses the play raised $900 for Juvenile Diabetes research. And that's it for our group fundraising effort, this week individual members of Team Keenan will be soliciting pledges from people in order to reach their personal fundraising goal. If you haven't supported our Walk for the Cure happening this Sunday in Moncton and you'd like to, there's still time. Click here to pledge me and help me reach my personal goal of raising $100.

Thanks so much for supporting us through the yard sale, play, and pledges. It means so much to me and my whole family.

So after the play came the crash. I forgot about that part too. Total zonk out. And an insatiable thirst for a strong drink. There had been talk of a wrap party with cast and crew, but then everyone was like they were going home, so I just went home with a couple of friends who had come to see the play ... and missed the wrap party that apparently did come together later ... oh well, I was tired anyway. Had a cosmo and a glass of wine, which made me super sleepy so then I made a hot chocolate and woke up a bit. My friends stayed for one drink and left shortly after my Friday night first date showed up for a second ... which went so well, a third is planned for next weekend.

I couldn't sleep Saturday night at all, was awake until after 5am, and up again on only a couple of hours sleep because I had to work. Stacy had dropped off the second draft of bnm at the end of the play for proofing and Sunday was Anna's birthday party so I wanted to try and get up home. I didn't figure there'd be many changes, we got lots of stuff fixed up in the first draft. So I sent Stacy a few changes, wrote a few cover blurbs, showered, packed, and was ready to leave when Mom got here around noon. We went to the mall so Mom could get The Missus a gift. I seized the opportunity to buy some freaking new underwear, because what I've been wearing makes me feel like a homeless person, underwires busting out of bras, poking in my armpit, scratching my breasts, panties full of holes or just a bunch of loose threads tied in a knot, and socks ... man, I have no idea where my socks have been disappearing to?! There really is a sock monster in the dryer! Buying underwear is so much fun! I really should do it more often.

So yesterday was spent up home having Burke's take-out, cake & ice cream, watching a week's worth of Corrie, in bed by 11 but still couldn't sleep. Read until long after midnight. Slept eventually for a couple of hours. Up early and came home with everyone on their way to work. Have arrived to email saying I'm needed at the office today for manual printing of bnm. No rest for the weary. I should sleep tonight though. In my own bed. With a lot of the last month's pressure relieved. One can hope.

And there's a big ole long post for those of you who have missed me. Now, you're up to date!

Mood: sleepy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: we got the beat, the go-go's
Hair: pretty blonde

The World I Know

2008-05-23T09:52:00.003-03:00

Have I mentioned I'm dreaming in play? Yeah, for about a week now. In the dreams I know not just my lines, but everyone else's too! It's fabulous!

Yesterday I actually took some time and sat down with the script. I have not had much time with the script to be honest, yesterday was the third time I've sat with it to practice, I've just kind of been winging it and picking it up from doing it in practice, which shows on stage when I suddenly have no idea where I am and what I am doing. It's a little terrifying to go completely blank.

So today I'm trying to find a zen-like ability to block the daily crap and totally immerse myself in being Sarah :-)

But of course there are extenuating circumstances . . . something else on my mind. I'm on the cusp of Friday night . . . date night . . . and I'm going out. First dates are . . . well, they just are, but at least I kinda know this guy all ready, that should take some pressure off . . . right?

Mood: becoming zen
Drinking: sarah's coffee
Listening To: free money, patti smith
Hair: needing a tlc transformation

Tall Glass of Vodka

2008-05-22T10:47:00.002-03:00

I think I'm entering into another martini phase. I have the cosmo craving.

Okay, so let's talk about the play, since it is coming right up this weekend and anon asked about it on Monday.

Since my two nieces were diagnosed with Type 1 Juvenile Diabetes, every year my family participates in the Walk for the Cure in Moncton. So every year we fundraise. Last year we just individually canvassed for donations and we had the Indoor Yard Sale and Lemonade Stand. This year we did all that PLUS a play.

We're creative folks, so basically we decided to do a play, found a script, cast the parts, set a date, found a venue and started practicing all at once . . . and not that long ago. Kinda crazy.

The play is called "Astonishing Tales." You can read more about it here, here and here.

My character is named Sarah. She is a smart (university educated) somewhat naive and inexperienced girl who unwittingly causes a lot of trouble in her new job. There's a lot of laughs in this one. It's especially funny if you know the people playing the parts. My sister and brother-in-law for example are cast in roles that are so completely NOT at all like their true characters that it's really hard not to bust out in fits of giggles onstage . . . and a lot of time in practice mayhem has ensued from such fits of giggles. But even if you know none of us, it doesn't matter, it's a fun play.

Tickets are going fast as the weekend approaches. So if you want them you'd better grab 'em soon.

Mood: punchy
Drinking: not punch
Listening To: fingers punching the keyboard
Hair: punched up

Start Me Up

2008-05-19T11:20:00.003-03:00

It never fails, if left on random play iTunes always knows what's up in the world. God! Did I ever need The Stones right about now! Little booster shot in the arm of rock energy.

So I've been hideously lax in my blogging, I know. This is me on "Wonder Woman Superhero Maxxed-Out Busy" speed. You know above and beyond the usual "super-busy" speed that we've all grown to know and love.

When things get this busy it's necessary to cut stuff out of my life. Housework is always the first to go, naturally. If you were to pop by today (please don't) you'd see the evidence in the dirty dishes covering every inch of my counter in the kitchen, stacked in the sink, piled on top of the stove, the dust bunnies billowing around the floor, the pile of laundry in the basket on the floor in my bedroom, my unmade bed, the fact that I would not allow you to use my bathroom, and so on.

The second thing to be cut is usually outings--the errand run-around, walks to the cove, anything that takes me out of the apartment and away from my work at the computer. I'll blow you off if you call or email and ask me to visit or go out anywhere. Most times I've got the ringer off and I won't even answer the phone. Last week I set out first thing Monday morning to go to the bank, grocery store, post office, pharmacy and all that stuff people need to do . . . but I didn't actually leave the apartment and go do those things until Thursday afternoon. Yeah, it took me that long to find an hour where I felt that was the most important thing I needed to be doing.

Next to be cut is unnecessary online stuff like my daily sudoku puzzle, reading people's blogs, posting on message boards, following message boards, downloading music, and posting to my blogs. I'll still make time to watch some videos, but I'll give up movies and hour-long tv shows in favour of movie trailers and 22-minute commercial-edited sitcoms, which I'll only watch while I'm doing something else, usually eating.

Speaking of eating, that habit also changes when I get this busy. Gone are the days of wellness with breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a snack or two. Some days I forget to eat at all, and food only occurs to me when I feel dizzy and weak. Most days I just eat one meal, at supper time, and everyday last week it was pretty much the same thing -- 4-5 chicken wings with hot sauce and a garden green salad.

And then I stop sleeping my normal 5-7 hours in my bed. Instead I find myself crashing on the futon beside my computer for two hours a night, catching the occasional 20 minute nap in the afternoon when I can no longer function.

So that's some of the stuff I haven't been doing and some of the stuff I have.

This week is another full-tilt maxxed-out kinda week where I will need every ounce of my Wonder Woman reserve strength. And then next week things calm, but only slightly . . . because there's Anna's Birthday, and Words on Water, and Abby's Birthday, and the JDRF Walk for the Cure in Moncton and don'cha know the following week I's be going to the T-Dot, so there's some insanity involved in prep for that trip naturally . . . and then there's the trip . . . followed closely by my birthday . . . and a maybe trip to Fredericton the week after that for Cake and then we're into the July long weekend . . . followed by the MWW and small press bookfair . . . another issue of BnM drops about then . . . and at some point there's Gerry's workshop in Sackville (I need to find the dates/details for that) that I really want to take . . . oi! I can't think that far ahead, must focus on today.

My to-do-today list has grown by four just while I wrote this post :-( Emails coming in, pinging me with tasks. And I bet you thought today was a holiday.

Mood: slightly stressed
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: But Not for Me, Harry Connick Jr.
Hair: messy

Crap

2008-05-12T16:08:00.002-03:00

Haven't had a lot of time for posting lately. BnM crunch, play practice, etc. Lots of crap. And I do mean LOTS! I've been twittering more I think . . . I'm trying anyway, in the meantime. I may be hormonally imbalanced or something. Having some health issues. I'm just not myself lately. I'm not sure who the hell I am . . . but damn! It doesn't really feel like me. Impulsive in increasingly unusual and insane ways. What will I think of next? . . . nobody knows . . .

Mood: starving
Drinking: nothing
Listening To: the wind howling around my windows
Hair: needing a little something-something

Thunderstruck

2008-05-07T09:24:00.003-03:00

Ten degrees at 9am. High of 18 predicted for today. Chance of thundershowers in the forecast. Despite all the rumours to the contrary, summer is really going to come! Last night was one of those gorgeous nights, not too cold, calm, no bugs, not too dark . . . I could have stayed out all night when Nick and I went for his bedtime walk about. It was one of those nights that take me back and make me crave cigarettes and beer. I seem like I've been craving cigarettes and beer an awful lot this past month. Hopefully, it's just a phase I'm going through and it will end soon, without consequence.

So yes, I was up home again last night. I'll be around there a fair bit over the next two weeks as we prepare for the play on the 24th. Practice! Practice! Practice! I totally forgot how much fun plays were.

Yesterday Darlene's Tea House opened for the season, so we went for supper. It was yummy! I had the grilled chicken breast dinner with baked potato, a glass of red wine, and the gingerbread for dessert. Can you say STUFFED?! It was very good. I'm hoping some night next week I can get up to try Rae's new restaurant in Blackville. Hearing lots of good things about it too.

I took some time earlier this morning to update my 101 in 1001 list. Time is running out on that one! I'm noticing some of my priorities have changed though. Some things no longer seem important. I guess when time runs out, maybe I'll make another list. Or maybe I'll make a bucket list.

Mood: cheerful
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: dirty deeds done dirt cheap, ac/dc
Hair: just blonde enough

My Generation

2008-05-05T11:22:00.003-03:00

I have to go up home to stay the night two nights this week :-( Last night I slept in the spare room because I was too lazy to make up my bed after I washed all my bedding. Strange new perspective sleeping in there.

I think I'm going to slow down on the blogging this week, use the time for other writing. Lets see how that works.

Mood: tired
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: don't walk away eileen, sam roberts
Hair: pouffy

Den of Thieves

2008-05-04T10:18:00.002-03:00

I've spent most of the weekend at the French Fort Cove Eco-Centre working the Mighty/BnM booth at the first annual Tourism Expo.

It's no secret I don't like going to these trade shows. We've done the Lifestyles Show a couple of years at the Civic Centre, and we've gone to Moncton for the Kiwanis Lifestyle Show a couple of years. It's always exhausting. My feet hurt. My legs get wrecked. I feel like my time there was wasted. It's just never been good. So I wasn't looking forward to this tourism one either. But it's my job, there's no getting out of it.

We had a steady trickle of interested people all weekend, with a pretty big crowd around lunchtime on Saturday. With Metepenagiag on one side of me and the Folk Song Festival on the other, with live music and poetry readings and traditional dancing happening just over my head, with people popping by to ask me questions about the Mighty Miramichi and all the goings on in the county because of course I would know, I felt like finally we had found a trade show where BnM and myself belonged. My feet didn't hurt. My legs didn't get wrecked. I wasn't overly exhausted. And I didn't feel like I wasted my time. So that was good!

After the show closed I went straight home to get ready for my first play practice. I was a little worried because we were supposed to be off script and I might have known a third of my lines, maybe half. Lucky for me a whole lot of the cast couldn't make the rehearsal so we just did a table reading. It was fun. I forgot how much fun a play could be. Oh-oh. We've only done one little reading and all ready I might be hooked . . . I went to sleep with visions of Duff and Merrin dancing in my head. I wake with an urge to pound out some dialogue.

This weekend I had many interesting conversations about various arts projects on the Miramichi. We're experiencing a Renaissance. There is a lot going on and a lot more coming up.

Mood: creative
Drinking: coffee, instant! what is the world coming to?
Listening To: the scientist, coldplay
Hair: getting long and shaggy

Never Let Me Down Again

2008-05-01T10:35:00.004-03:00

Definitely starting to physically come around to my old self now. Last night I stayed up until after 2am reading. This morning I was awake at 7. When I naturally fall back to 5 hours sleep I know I'm feeling better.

So I finished reading the first of my Frye Festival purchases, Lullabies for Little Criminals by Heather O'Neill. I heard Heather read at the Soiree Frye last Thursday night and it seemed to me that maybe her book was a similar style to something I've been working on. It turns out, it's not really, but even still I don't regret the purchase.

This novel won the Canada Reads competition and got a lot of buzz. It's her first one. She's rather young (30-something) and an entertaining reader and speaker. I went to a round table panel discussion she participated in and she was very enjoyable.

An interesting thing I noticed about Heather's book was that she uses a lot of similes. I mean A LOT! I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a page without at least one, and most have several. Everything is like or as something else. For my taste there might have even been too many, but it does make for a very visually stimulating piece. I could do with a few more in my writing maybe. Or if not including them in the prose, to at least be thinking about what things might be like or as. I seem to have forgotten about metaphors and similes as tools in my toolbox. So this was a good reminder.

The book is worth a read, I mean obviously I stayed up half the night finishing it, so I must have been pulled along by the characters, but I was left wanting, I dunno, more somehow. The ending seemed a little rushed and all tied up in little bows, which isn't really my style, but overall, it's a good read, lots of nuggets for thought.

Have tons of things to accomplish today. Need to go out and do some shopping. Need to freaking clean up my apartment before company arrives later this afternoon. I'm such a slob this week!

Mood: manic
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: all my life, foo fighters
Hair: blonde, but not dumb

Angels Make Contact

2008-04-30T13:31:00.003-03:00

My little ole brain is working triple-time this week. The dreams are beyond insane. I can't even believe the freaking people showing up in them. It's like everyone I ever had a conversation with in my life and then twice as many people that I've never laid eyes on before. It's exhausting. I wake up more tired than when I went to bed, if that's possible. I think I need to be writing. I think that's what this is all about. I need to write a story. I'm just so freaking busy, it's hard to find time. I've fallen off my schedule, need to find my way back to 5:30 mornings.

My dream boyfriend is back. The wiry one with the long black hair. If I ever run into this guy in real life I think I will faint. I'm hoping he's not a drug dealer. In the dreams it's hard to tell what he does. He might be a mechanic. Or he could be an artist, like a potter or something. It seems like I thought he was a painter at one time. He works with his hands. They're long and bony and rough and powerful. His hands are always pivotal in the dreams. He's very intense and . . . slippery. He seems almost to glide from one place to another, snakelike, only sexy. He doesn't say much verbally, but his non-verbal communication is killer. He says everything in the way he touches my face and presses his hand into the small of my back. Maybe he doesn't speak English? I dunno. He's been showing up in my dreams all week. The dreams are never about him, he's just there in the setting. We live together. He's just part of my life, part of the window dressing for all my dreams. It's a little weird. I've been dreaming about this guy, who as far as I know doesn't exist anywhere outside of my imagination, off and on for almost 10 years now. Maybe he's the one I should be writing about.

Mood: sleepy
Drinking: coffee, brewed, black
Listening To: blackmath, white stripes
Hair: silk soft

How to Save a Life

2008-04-29T11:56:00.003-03:00

Physically feeling much stronger today, though still pretty tired. I walked up the King George Highway this morning to do an interview, close to a half hour walk and all my pedometer registered was 10 minutes. I hate when that happens! It's because my pants are too loose to have it stuffed into my front pocket, it gets jostled and turned upside down and at odd angles. Oh well, at least I got the steps and didn't pass out from the walk.

I have a sharp jabbing pain happening periodically in and around my left knee. Not sure what that's about. Perhaps something arthritic? I haven't had a full on arthritis flare in a very long time, and seasons are changing, so . . . maybe.

There's a municipal election thing happening tonight at the Kin Centre. All the candidates are speaking, no Q&A though. I should go. I think T is going, but I should be there too probably. See how I feel about that later.

I've got to work all weekend. Trade show. I'm also hosting a play practice in my apartment on Saturday, so I need to get things in shipshape before the weekend arrives. I have yet to run lines with anyone. I don't know them. I've missed practice so far. So it seems my first one will be off-script . . . yeah. Yay! I've told Ms Director to be prepared to spoon feed me lines all day, lol. But seriously, I'm not even kidding. There is a very big part of my brain that still hasn't registered that I'm actually doing a play in a month's time.

I am sleeping so much! It's crazy. Last night I laid down around 9 and this morning I hung back in the sheets until the last possible moment, 8:30ish, and if I hadn't had to get up to go do an interview I might be hanging there still. I know I should go to the doctor. I know. I'll get to that someday soon.

Mood: scattered
Drinking: espresso
Listening To: raise a little hell, trooper
Hair: mussed

A Rolling Stone

2008-04-28T10:39:00.006-03:00

I am returned from Moncton and feeling slightly out of sorts. I have no food. My apartment is a sty and everything I touch seems to fall apart and need repairs. I have a cupboard door lying on the floor in my kitchen. I have no energy. I went to bed last night around 7pm, forced myself out of the bed this morning just after 7:30. Maybe I should take some vitamins or something.

I need to go out sometime today. I need to sort out my finances first. It was an expensive weekend. Nothing like living beyond your means! Yes, I really could have gone to Europe instead! But it was good. I mean there was a lot of bad associated with this weekend for me personally, but overall it was good. I bought books. I mean REAL books, literature. And I've started reading them. And I touched base with that part of myself that writes stories, that wants to write stories, in a way that I haven't in awhile. That part that sees the small actions and immediately files them away in her memorybank where they remain until the character needs them. This was therapeutic and necessary.

I've felt out of line with the universe this past week or so. Off course. When this happens I often get ill (and I did get ill) and it's just a really negative unharmonious experience. This mightn't make much sense to some people but I spent a great many years getting myself in tune with my life. I follow my gut. And my gut doesn't steer me wrong. I pay attention to signs and I do what they tell me to do. It took a long time to get here, through so much muck it's a wonder I ever emerged at the other side in one piece.

So most of the time I sail along pretty much at peace with myself and the world and feeling in harmony with the universe overall. And if something makes me feel icky I back off and don't do it. And if the way seems to be barred to my passage I back off and look for the way with least resistance. And along the way I experience awakenings of the spirit that I would never have thought possible and I gather to me the most interesting, supportive and loving group of human beings to exist on this earth.

But just because I'm listening and I'm in tune, doesn't mean everyone else is. Yeah, I can follow my path to the places I'm supposed to go, but sometimes the people on the path with me aren't so cooperative or enlightened. They buck. They want to crash the fence and take the other road. It's human. It's free will. It's beyond my control. And yet it causes me to crash too, road kill thrown into the ditch. So this past week has been unpleasant. And I mean physically. Emotionally and intellectually, I've been clawing my way back onto the path from the moment the crash happened, but the wobbly-ness of the universe seems to draw major negativity into my life and negativity makes me sick, physically. And the physical is hard to get past sometimes. It certainly takes longer to bring back into harmony.

I feel a shift today in my body though. It wants to go outside. It needs to walk by the water and listen to the birds and ground itself with nature, this place I call home. And I think it'll be ok now. I think the physical is catching up with the emotional and intellectual, coming back onto the path again, tuning back in, regaining harmony. The worst is definitely over.

Mood: optimistic
Drinking: americano coffee, black
Listening To: crazy, aerosmith
Hair: still blonde

Learning to Fly

2008-04-26T16:48:00.004-03:00

Earlier this afternoon I happened to be in my room when housekeeping came, so we got to talking as she straightened out my mess and left me many bonus treats. I told her I was a journalist. And I was shocked how easily this response came from my lips. I haven't felt like a journalist since . . . well, it's been a really long time. I used to struggle in the early days of BnM to balance journalism and the positive outlook of the magazine. I mean it's a very biased approach to writing, to sort of put the blinders on and only write about the good stuff, and that, my friends, is NOT what journalism is all about. Yet, I agree with the concept of BnM wholeheartedly or I wouldn't be involved at all. Just yesterday I told a friend in Dieppe that I believed BnM was changing the collective consciousness of Miramichi, and I do! Our positivity, our willingness to seek out the good and showcase it for the general public, is making an impact. I honestly believe we are changing people's attitudes and having a positive influence and that this is the best thing that could happen for Miramichi. I am so honoured to be a part of it.

Yet, the only way I could give myself the freedom to fully embrace BnM was to abandon any thoughts I had about journalism. I needed to start thinking of myself in terms other than journalist or else I couldn't do it, because I was constantly running into the wall of "objectivity" . . . bnm is not objective, we are positive. It was a dilemma for a time, personally. So, eventually I made my peace with it by just stopping referring to myself or even thinking of myself as a journalist. I started to refer to myself exclusively as a writer or editor, and that gave me the freedom I needed in order to continue.

So, imagine my surprise this afternoon when the first words out of my mouth were that I was a journalist . . . a journalist from a Miramichi-based magazine called Bread 'n Molasses here to cover the Frye Festival . . . what the hell?! Can it be that I have had a breakthrough?! That I finally realize that in today's society no journalism is truly objective and therefore I deserve to be counted among the journalists just as much as anyone else?

Breakthrough in the Delta-Beausejour.

The thing is, I actually feel like a journalist being here, writing about these events. And I know I'm doing no worse job than CNN at objectivity, and maybe better, yet all those crazy news anchors call themselves journalists . . . so, why not me too?

Mood: nearly hungry
Drinking: nothing, have coffee and red wine ordered for dinner
Listening To: anarchy in the uk, sex pistols
Hair: maybe a little too blonde to be walking by that crack house later this evening

On the Road Again

2008-04-24T06:54:00.002-03:00

Ok, so I'm off and God willing I'll somehow get online in Moncton and be able to tell you all about my exploits and adventures. I am armed with a laptop . . . which I have some doubts about . . . but no time to think about it now, I'll try to find some tech support when I get there. If you don't hear from me anymore, you will know I failed desperately :-(

Highlights of today are the WFNB Readings at 1:30pm in which I will finally meet fellow Miramichier Ray Fraser after all these years, Russell Banks at the Soiree Frye this evening at the Capitol Theatre, and perhaps if I'm not beat a little Night Howl at Mexicali Rosa's to top things off . . .

Mood: my ovaries are in an uproar . . . literally
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: should i stay or should i go, the clash
Hair: in my eyes, perhaps i should trim my bangs with the razor before i leave

Untitled

2008-04-23T10:19:00.002-03:00

When you can't think of a title and the song currently playing is "Maneater" by Nelly Furtado and you're not really feeling like much of a maneater at the moment, what do you do? Untitle the damn post and get on with the business of writing it.

So it's my last day. Everything needs to be done today. Tomorrow morning there is no time for anything, just get up, shower, and head out the door. And there's still so freaking much to do.

Lots of debris floating past my window these days. The water is high, even at low-tide. So many ducks!

The new neighbours who moved in this winter below and to the right of my apartment have taken to throwing bread to the birds. I watched yesterday as a lone seagull glided along the shoreline. I wondered whether he would notice the slice of bread on the back lawn. I needn't have wondered, he turned and swooped onto the grass as if it had been his intention to land there all along.

The curious thing happened once he was situated. As far as I could see there were no other gulls around, no crows or eagles, no pesky blackbirds, the seagull could have snatched the bread and devoured it all on his own. Instead he paced a circle around it, with an almost suspicious looking eye. Round and round, he paced, never edging any closer.

And then I could hear the cries and soon four more gulls dropped onto the grass. They screamed at one another. Their feathers ruffled. They flew at one another. All the while the bread lay on the grass, untouched. Then a crow raced into the ruckus, claws poised to snatch the toast.

The biggest darkest gull stopped fighting and immediately ran over to the bread, snatched the slice in its beak and took off up toward the Richie Wharf. The crow and the gulls followed, dive-bombing the big gull from all angles. The pursuit lasted about five seconds before the bread was knocked from the gull's beak and fell into the river.

Then all the birds flew off on their separate ways as if nothing had transpired.

It was a curious thing to watch. I don't understand why that first bird didn't eat the bread while he had a chance. Perhaps it tastes better if you win it in a fight?

Mood: puzzled
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: anarchy in the uk, sex pistols
Hair: still liking the new do

Every Passing Minute

2008-04-22T18:56:00.003-03:00

"Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around." Sofia Serrano

Last night I watched Vanilla Sky again. I know, I know, some of you will be like WTF?! Yes, I've seen it a zillion times and yes, it effects me deeply each time . . . so why don't I give it a rest already? I dunno. Sometimes I just need it. Sometimes I'm the saddest girl to hold a martini. And sometimes I'm a dancing girl caught up in the buzz. Sometimes I'm playing the game and sometimes I'm the girl who goes home alone. No matter who I am at the time this movie seems to put it all in perspective somehow. And so I watch. Again and again and again . . .

Last night I fell asleep before the end. Thankfully. I don't think I could have handled the rooftop. "I'll see you in another life . . . when we are both cats." I made it through the park though, which was surprising, with only a few stray tears. Perhaps I'm finally all cried out. Perhaps I should watch Elizabethtown and see what happens. Better yet, I should watch Singles.

I'm being told I'm going to miss the first play practice this weekend. This can't be good.

Mood: contemplative
Drinking: nothing at the moment
Listening To: same mistake, james blunt
Hair: looking absolutely fan-tab today, if i do say so myself!

Payolas

2008-04-22T09:06:00.002-03:00

Can I touch you to see if you're real? Gawd! I loved that song back in the day. I guess I still do. I remember listening to it on a cassette tape, one of those year-end compilation albums of Top 40 hits. I loved those albums.

So, I am beyond busy right there now as the countdown to Frye begins. Found out where I get my press pass when I arrive. Requested early check-in. Have not booked just a regular room, but one with some perks (it was all they had left) . . . not cheap, by any stretch of the imagination but this is me throwing financial responsibility to the wind and just going for it. Remember Toronto in 2006? Yeah, hopefully the hotel will be the biggest part of my indiscretion and I won't go nuts in restaurants, bars, shopping, etc. Because I only have a month to turn it all around in time for my trip to Toronto in June. Though this T-dot excursion will be more tame with many less swanky breakfasts and $15 martinis.

When all is said and done I'll likely find that I could have gone to the writers' workshop in Ireland or France for the amount I'll spend on these outings. I'll take a serious look at this in hindsight and if it turns out to be that way, then you'll see me crossing the pond in 2010 . . . 2009 will likely be a year of financial recovery, much in the way that 2007 was :-) And that's okay.

Maybe I'll win Eagles tickets and at least be able to avoid that expense this summer. Though now, I'm not sure I want to go to the concert. I'm up in the air. Because there is the family reunion happening that same weekend. And really Sam is the only major draw for me and he'll be on first and off like a dirty shirt and there I'll be . . . luckily with those big outdoor concerts there's no need to decide anything beforehand. I can decide that morning that I want to go and there'll be plenty of tickets. But if I won tickets, well that would be another thing all together, wouldn't it?

And now I've got a couple dozen candidates to sort through.

Mood: I know, I hate people, but I love gatherings, isn't that ironic?
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: catch me when i fall, ashlee simpson
Hair: settling into the new colour

Changes

2008-04-21T08:57:00.004-03:00

If I could turn and meet myself as
I was then,
gaze into that solemn face, those
unblinking eyes,
I suppose I'd laugh until I cried,
then laugh again.

-- from The Kookaburra's Song

Let the laughter begin!

I actually got an email from Coach Steele this morning asking me to let him know how I was doing. He has a sixth sense or something. His timing is always impeccable and the fact that he even bothers to personally contact people on the Tools to Life site really blows my mind. I replied that I am well. And I am.

Okay, so I had an "unusual" weekend at best, but now it's Monday and time to get back to business. I've decided to attend Frye Festival and I will embark for Moncton Thursday morning, armed with a laptop and ready to post from the Festival. The days and nights will be long. I will be exhausted. But it should be a great time. I'm really excited about it. My mind will explode with all the new ideas! And I think I'm going to run into some wonderful old friends, which will be great.

So much work to get out of the way in preparation of leaving though, not to mention all the household stuff that's been on the backburner this past week.

Having hot chocolate this morning before I go out to do the run-around downtown. Banking, shopping, all that good stuff.

The ice is breaking up pretty quick now, moving on the tides. The ducks are here! Hundreds of them! Summer is coming! And summer is good. I do love my river. It gives me a sense of place and comfort in being in that place. The river is home and I'm on it.

I weighed myself this morning and was pretty shocked to find myself over 20 pounds lighter than the last time I weighed in. Holy frig! So either the wellness has been working or . . . I dunno, a couple of days of eating light or nothing at all is not enough to drop 20 freaking pounds. That was pretty surprising. Of course, I've got lots of pounds on me, so 20 is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Oh well, banking is not going to do itself. I must boot!

Mood: energized & excited
Drinking: hot chocolate
Listening To: dangerous, roxette
Hair: i am the big blonde once again

She's Got the Look

2008-04-20T16:52:00.005-03:00

M used to say I had a look about me . . . I looked "fuckable" and for that reason I would do well as a bartender. This was years before I bought a bar. By the time the bar was in hand I had forgotten what he said. Of course, as soon as the deal was sealed, he reminded me, "I always said you'd make a good bartender. You've got that 'fuckable' look." Like he had orchestrated the whole thing. And in retrospect I wonder if he didn't, because hell, I never wanted to own a bar before . . . so what transpired there? I can't remember exactly. It happened so quick and it seemed like it happened when he wasn't even around . . . but who the hell knows what REALLY happened?

M had a point. I did look "fuckable" and it did play well in the bartending scene. I had men and women hitting on me, tipping me. I mean EVERYONE! It was bizarre. It was enough to destroy my faith in the human race altogether. Because nobody was out of bounds. Nobody was out of play. I had my pick. And that was not a good thing. But the tips were good. Yeah, the tips were everything.

I remember one night, I had a group of sports in from the states and one of them was quite young in his early 20s and he was hot, worked out a lot, biceps bulging, and he was flirting with me at the bar and I was flirting back, partly because of the American bills that kept pouring into the till and partly because he was gorgeous and charming and charismatic and just different and new from the usual crowd. We were having a good time. We were having a great time until he indicated that he was willing to pay for an even better time. Pay for me, and my services. And isn't that always where my "fuckability" factor ends? With the promise of money? Everything's cool until you lay $500 on the table, then I'm history. This doesn't make as much sense to me as it seemed to in the moment as I pretended to protect the last shred of my dignity. Meanwhile, M would have easily sold me for that if he'd been there and been even more convinced of my "fuckability." He would've started a marketing campaign at the sports camps, no doubt.

In the movie "Match Point" Scarlett has a line about the way that men always saw her, and she doesn't really seem to understand why, but it is what it is. I relate to that character. I don't know how this will translate into my 40s, but the first 30 years have been a burden of "fuckability."

Mood: confused
Drinking: absenthe
Listening To: disco inferno
Hair: kinda cute

I Would Walk 500 Miles

2008-04-20T16:26:00.002-03:00

And once again the walls and the proclaimers put it all in perspective . . .

When I wake up yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you

If I get drunk yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
And if I haver yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles
To fall down at your door

When I'm working yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's working hard for you
And when the money comes in for the work I'll do
I'll pass almost every penny on to you

When I come home yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you
And if I grow old well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles
To fall down at your door

When I'm lonely yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man whose lonely without you
When I'm dreaming yes I know I'm gonna dream
Dream about the time when I'm with you.

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles
To fall down at your door

Mood: buoyed
Drinking: absenthe, still, but i'm nearly ready to try solid food
Listening To: animal, def leppard
Hair: perhaps too blonde

Beautifully Broken

2008-04-20T16:03:00.001-03:00

Who knew Ashlee Simpson could sum it up all so well?

It seems like yesterday that my world fell from the sky
It seems like yesterday I didnt know how hard I could cry
It feels like tomorrow I may not get by
But I will try
I will try wipe the tears from my eyes

[Chorus:]
I'm beautifully broken and I don't mind if you know it
I'm beautifully broken and I don't care if I show it

Every day is a new day I'm reminded of my past
Everytime theres another storm I know that it wont last
Every moment I'm filled with hope
cause i get another chance
But I will try I will try
Got nothing left to hide

[Chorus]

Without the highs and the lows
Where will we go?
Where will we go?

[Chorus]

I am beautifully broken, I am beautifully broken
I am beautifully broken and I don't care if I show it
[Repeats til end, and fades out]

Mood: sad
Drinking: absenthe
Listening To: matt mays
Hair: blonde

Meme Time

2008-04-20T14:23:00.002-03:00

stolen from gail on facebook, because i need mindless distraction . . .
it's all i'm fit for

1. a cuddler?: yes
2. a morning person?: yes
3. Are you a perfectionist: about some things
4. awesome? i am!
5. addicted to anything? wine, coffee, jerk seasoning, hot sauce, movies, music, writing, books, boys . . . and more
6. in your pajamas?: nope, i got dressed this morning . . . oh wait, i slept in my clothes, but then i showered and changed, which means i got dressed this morning
7. left handed?: no

LAST:
1. friend you saw: stacy and les, last night when they dropped me off after the mighty excursion
2. phoned? jenn, she was not home, left message
3. sent text? i do not do that
4. message recieved over facebook?: jake
5. instant messaged: joe

Today:
1. wore: old jeans, grey tee, black hoodie, navy crocs
2. mood: the opposite of the very best
3. today is: normally my favourite day of the week, tho today, not so much
4. got any plans: drink absenthe until i pass out or someone comes and cooks me supper

Favorite:
1. number: 3
2. colors: green, purple
3. season: winter

q's and a's

q: What was the 1st thing you did this mornin?
a: turned on the tv to watch corrie

q: Last thing you ate:
a: jerked pork chops

q: Do you have anything bothering you?
a: ha! yeah, that's the question all right

q: What's the last movie you saw?:
a: Lions for Lambs

q: Where is the last place you went?
a: Billy Mullin's Country Opry

q: Are you a friendly person?:
a: i like to think so

q: Where did you sleep last night?:
a: in my bed

q: What color shirt are you wearing?:
a: grey

q: When was the last time you really cried?
a: oh jesus . . . today

q: What was your last thought before you went to sleep last night?
a: what the fuck?!

q: What are you about to do?
a: publish this meme i guess

q: If you could drink anything right this second, what would it be?
a: the absenthe i'm drinking ain't bad, but i'd love some brandy in hot chocolate

q: What's your job position called?
a: editor

q: What's your favorite month(s)?
a: that's hard. i like may and december, october is generally pretty good too

q: What was your elementary schools mascot?
a: it was high school, not elementary, and it was wile e. coyote

q: what's your favorite bottled water?
a: no difference

q: What will you be doing at 9pm tonight?
a: hopefully i will have passed out and gone to sleep

q: Did you attend your high school prom?
a: i did

q: Did you go to someone else's prom?
a: i did

q: Do you prefer coffee or tea?
a: coffee, tho i'm also addicted to teas

q: Ever done the electric slide?
a: oh boy . . .

q: How much french do you know?
a: not much

q: Ever crash a car, been in an accident?
a: oh yeah . . . ditching that old caprice below grandad's had to be the best tho

q: Do you look good in yellow?
a: hmm, i'm thinking not so much

q: Do you sing?
a: yeah, all the time

q: Ever sang in public?
a: oh boy, yes, but hopefully never again

q: Least favorite color?
a: dusty rose

q: Ever had dippin dots?
a: say wha?

q: How many driving tickets have you had?
a: none

q: At what age do you want to get married?
a: i don't care to ever get married

q: Have you ever been married?
a: no

q: How many kids do you have/want?
a. i want none, tho i'm fine if they come as the package with the right guy

Mood: mindless
Drinking: absenthe
Listening To: me, typing and talking to myself
Hair: ferocious

More Than a Feeling

2008-04-19T15:25:00.003-03:00

When you're not feeling the very best or you're self-doubting or feeling insecure, affirmations really help. You know, just writing down "I'm having a great day!" or "I love myself!" over and over on a piece of paper is enough to swing your mood, change your mind, make you feel better. If you stand in front of a mirror and say it out loud, even better. It works! Try it.

So, it's the night before the full moon (thank the goddess it's almost over!) It's a Saturday night on the weekend of a full moon, the worse night to be out and about at a club. I know this from personal experience. It's been well documented. Yet, tonight the Mighty Crew is heading out for an excursion at a club. We're not staying late. Hopefully we'll be long gone before any craziness ensues. Well, craziness can ensue, might even be interesting, but just as long as none of the crew get sucked into said craziness. That would not be fabulous! And we're out for a fabulous time!

Mood: i'm having a great day! :-)
Drinking: . . . i'd rather not say . . .
Listening To: i'll be there for you, bon jovi
Hair: a whole lot blonder, tho nobody seems to notice

Patti

2008-04-18T10:06:00.002-03:00

Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine . . .

The impending full moon wreaks havoc on my life. The dreams, babe! The freaking dreams! And as if they weren't enough I've got all around anxiety and weirdness going on throughout the day. Some odd behaviour happening. Not odd odd, but odd for me. Anyhoo, it should be all over after the full moon Sunday night.

I am insane with trying to interview all the candidates from the municipal election. Everyone in Miramichi is running. It's true! Which makes it one freaking interesting election, but tons of coordination and organization on my part to get to talk with everyone.

Last night I watched a movie for the first time in eons, well, I guess not eons as I have watched movies when I go upriver, but I haven't watched any at home here since the big Oscar prep a couple of months ago. Anyway, last night I was in the mood for a chocolate sundae and a movie. I passed on the sundae (where would I even get one?) but opted to crack open the Absenthe and try a shot (yummy! but with mega kick!) and to watch "Gone Baby Gone" with Casey Affleck (big brother Ben's directorial debut). This was one of the few movies that I couldn't get in before the awards. It was really quite good. I love Ed Harris! I would totally pick this one up the next time I'm out shopping at Blockbuster. It had a Departed feel about it, but that might have just been the whole Boston cop aspect.

Mood: a little odd
Drinking: black coffee
Listening To: cinnamon girl, neil young
Hair: a whole lot lighter

Take My Breath Away

2008-04-17T08:47:00.003-03:00

I am too busy for blogging. I hate when that happens. It's the municipal election. It's BnM. It's spring cleaning. It's income tax preparation. It's life in general and trying to get out of the house for daily walking.

Yesterday my copies of The Sharp Review with my story in it arrived in the mail. Exciting! My name is spelled right and everything. I only have a few copies to give away, so maybe you'll get one . . . but most likely you won't. C'est la vie! I'll let you look at mine.

Mood: rushed
Drinking: black coffee
Listening To: magic power, triumph
Hair: desperately needing something

Son, can you play me a memory?

2008-04-15T07:22:00.003-03:00

We're coming up on the full moon and the dreams have started. I spent most of the night in some sort of church or rec hall waiting for a supper that never came. Hours and hours spent sucking on ice chips and chatting with all kinds of ghosts from my past. One would get up to check on supper or get me a drink and another one would sit down.

Remember that night I stayed at your parent's house with you?
Not really, why did we stay there?
I was too drunk to drive . . . oh, I wasn't really, I drove worse, but I just wanted to stay with you. I remember those baby blue satin pajamas you had on.
Really? I don't remember any of this . . .

Remember that night we went to the Tasty Freeze and got banana splits? Remember we drove out to the airport and laid on the hood of the car watching the planes take off over us?
No. We never did that, did we?
Sure, we did! It was that big old white boat of a car and you were scared because the planes were so close and you screamed yourself horse, hiding your head in my chest.
I think I'd remember this if it really happened . . .

Remember the night I took you out to that camp and we sat on the porch and watched the moon?
Hmm, I'm not sure.
We sat on an old cot and I kissed you for the first time.
I thought we were up Dungarvon in the car when you kissed me the first time.
No, no, it was at that camp. We kissed under the full moon, but you wouldn't go any further.
That's not the way it happened. I remember . . .

And on and on and on into the morning. I woke up a dozen times. I had the alarm set for 5:30 because with visible sidewalks I can start walking again and I want to try to get in the habit of going out twice a day. I turned the alarm off at 5:23 before it went off, laid there awake and pondering the dream until 5:35, and then got up, got dressed and forced myself out into the air. I walked down the Old King George Highway to the edge of French Fort Cove. I think the cove is passable but it was a bit early for me to be in the woods in town alone. If it were just the woods I wouldn't mind. Up home, I'd go into the woods. In town . . . well, I don't like to chance it, there are some pretty creepy guys around here. The walk just down to the cove and back is 30 minutes at my fastest pace, 40 if I don't push myself. This morning I pushed myself. Arrived home sweaty and exhilarated, ready to work. I watched the sunrise over the Centennial Bridge in Chatham and left the dreams in the night.

Mood: renewed
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: born in the usa, bruce springsteen
Hair: trim anyone?

I am a Passenger

2008-04-14T09:09:00.003-03:00

Watched a good documentary last night about the birth and evolution of punk rock. I was born just a bit too late, so I didn't get into Iggy Pop, The Sex Pistols, The Clash or even The Ramones until way after the fact. I'm trying to think of who put me onto them but I don't know, I think I just discovered them on my own. The only boyfriend who would have leaned that way at all would have been K and he was more Zeppelin and Hendrix, Supertramp and Bowie. MB had a copy of the movie Sid & Nancy but it seemed like she knew somebody who had been in it or something, not that she was a big Sid Vicious fan. Anyway, it was a good documentary. Dad didn't appreciate it! :-) But I found it interesting.

So I spent the weekend upriver. Went to a friends place Friday night, where I drank WAY too much wine . . . like WAY. I can't remember the last time I drank that much. It's been a long time. And it'll be a long time before I do it again. A glass or two is freaking plenty. I felt a little shaky all day Saturday. Had a good time though, well other than having to call 911 in the wee hours and having the ambulance come. But even that was a bit of an adventure, certainly another story to add our collection. But you know the party is over when the 911 call goes out. Luckily, nobody was seriously hurt. So now we can look back on it and laugh.

Saturday I just lazed around all day, nursing a hang-over. Watched movies with Dad. I actually got him to sit through Clerks II. He thought it was the stupidest movie ever, but he didn't get up and leave and he laughed quite a bit, so . . . there you go. We also watched White Oleander. Dad taped that one off PVR and I had never seen it, though I read the book. It wasn't bad.

Sunday was Nick's bath day. It went okay. He did not want to get into the tub, but he stayed there once I picked him up and put him in. He whined and trembled the whole time, but afterward he felt great, crazy frisky, and he certainly smelled better. Mom's gonna try to clip him more now and in about 6 weeks time or so I'll bath him again. The beast just has so much freaking hair. Next time I'll try to do it outside. He can't come live with me, so it's important to keep him in Mom's good graces . . . she sometimes threatens to put him to sleep :-(

So it was a pretty good weekend overall. Time to settle in and get back to work now.

Mood: sleepy
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: come sail away, styx
Hair: un-everything

Like a Dirty Shirt

2008-04-11T10:23:00.002-03:00

I'm off! I am heading upriver for the weekend. Plans have come together quite suddenly and spontaneously and I find myself with a ride to Renous later this afternoon where I will bunk the night with friends. Yay! We're gonna have some drinks, do some tarot readings, catch up on all the news, it'll be F-U-N! We haven't gotten together since Christmas, so we're definitely due. It's odd though how you can try to plan to get together for months sometimes without being able to pull it off, and then other times you just say let's do this now and off you go! I guess going without a plan is the best way.

T is picking me up after his lunchtime hockey game and we're going to the office for a bnm meeting, which works out good because S works nearby and will gather me after work and take me upriver. Tomorrow I'll go to Mom's. Me and Nick have a date with the bathtub. Apparently my baby reeks! Tomorrow night if the JayKays are up for it I might visit and toast the new job. Sunday is Coronation day as the show's been on hiatus all week and will be for many weeks to come while the NHL play-offs happen. So now if I don't see it Sunday morning, I don't see it at all. I'll come home early Monday morning with S&G on their way in to work, probably. Unless the folks fancy a Sunday drive tomorrow afternoon/evening.

But lots to do before I leave, so I'm off! Like a dirty shirt! :-)

Mood: chipper
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: muffled tv downstairs
Hair: confused about what it's trying to be

Dancing Queen

2008-04-10T11:37:00.002-03:00

I'm having an ABBA morning. Why? Because they make me happy. It takes me back to being 11 or 12 years old and going to the rink on Friday nights, skating round and round to Does Your Mother Know. I was just starting to settle in and get comfortable with the idea of being a kid when everything shifted again.

I hated most of elementary school. I was shy. I was fat. I was smart. I wore my cousin's hand-me-down clothes. Not good things when you're a kid. I couldn't wait to grow up. Most of my memories from Grades 1-5 are nasty. Bullied, poked fun at, not fitting in . . . so much hurt . . . I spent a lot of time in my head, in my room alone, outside alone, hating, crying, and most of all wishing I was an adult. Because when I grew up then I'd make the bastards pay for every shitty thing they did to me, for every moment they caused me pain.

I even had a list, a pay-back list I kept in my diary. It was just a list of names, dozens and dozens of names. I didn't need to write down what they had done to me, I could recite the list by heart. I suppose if I were growing up today I'd be the kid who goes postal in the cafeteria. But back then all I could do was make my list and wish to be grown, because then I'd have the power and I could do what I wanted.

By 6th grade things started to shift. I don't know if it was the wonderful teacher we had that year or what. In spring I started playing soccer and football at lunch hour, I'd been going to the rink in the winter and spending hours skating. The only album they had to play over the speakers was ABBA. This was the year I got my first pair of jeans. I settled in. I started to have fun being a kid. But it didn't last long. The best part of my childhood lasted a few months before my girl friends decided playing games in the field was not cool, sports were not cool. The focus shifted to hair, make-up, clothes, and of course, boys.

I resisted at first. I tried to convince them to at least continue playing until summer break. We could all enter 7th grade as proper young women, but couldn't we finish grade 6 as little girls? Nobody was interested. They left the field and went down to stand on the pavement, leaning against the brick wall, where they would gossip and brag and scheme. I remember standing on the hill, looking back the field at the boys running with the soccer ball, watching the backs of my girl friends walk away from me, and I knew it was over, whatever peace and freedom and joy in childhood I had been briefly experiencing had ended and a new chapter was beginning. I took one last look at the boys kicking the soccer ball and followed the girls to the pavement.

I wish I could say my transition into teenager-land went more smoothly, but seventh grade was a bitch of a year. By the end of it I had gone numb to everything. I no longer kept a pay-back list because I figured none of these people mattered anyway. I lived for the day when school would end and real life would begin. Throughout high school I kept my eye on that prize. As far as I was concerned none of what happened during my teens mattered in the slightest, this wasn't real life, that wouldn't begin until I graduated and left. This attitude allowed me to do things that other people were angered or shocked by. Making out with someone else's boyfriend was perfectly acceptable to my way of thinking because we were just kids having fun and it wasn't like anyone was going to stay together and get married and all that crap in our real life after high school. Nothing was out of bounds. Because nothing mattered. It was all one big waste of time, might as well get some thrills out of it, sample a bit of everything.

I remember an incident where a girl came up to me and told me she knew I'd gone out with her boyfriend but it was my lucky day because she was going to let it go. I remember being surprised that there had even been a possibility that she wouldn't let it go. I had been hanging on the fringe of her clique and she had said repeatedly about how she didn't really like this guy anyway, how she was probably going to break up with him. So, as far as I was concerned, he was beyond fair game and I'd actually done her a big favour by giving her a good excuse to dump his cheating ass. So I was surprised to have her confront me in the schoolyard.

I remember how her face blushed all red and she turned and stomped away when I just shrugged and said something like duh, of course not, you got no beef with me. This happened a couple of times in high school, girls coming up to me to tell me I'd done them wrong but they were going to let it go. And I have to wonder why? Why didn't they beat me up? And what must they have thought when they'd get my calm cool logical reaction? They were always big girls, taller than me, and I was pretty tall. I'm sure they expected me to be intimidated, apologetic even. I was quiet too. I never said much in school. Out of school I partied harder and louder than anyone else. Nothing and nobody was off-limits, if I found someone attractive, if I wanted something, I went after it and I didn't take no for an answer. I didn't realize it at the time, that I had no respect for anyone or anything, I just thought I was putting in my time, same as everyone else, just getting through until the first day of the rest of my life. I got away with a lot. I'm not sure why.

And all of this has nothing to do with ABBA, except that for a few brief moments in childhood I felt free and ABBA was there with me. This explains everything, right?

Mood: nostalgic
Drinking: cold coffee
Listening To: thunderstruck, ac/dc
Hair: needing some colour

Spring

2008-04-09T15:58:00.002-03:00

Walking home on Adair, bare pavement running with melt, sweating in my jean jacket and short sleeved blouse, I can smell soap (laundry day for someone) and strawberry bubble gum. Seagulls scream as they dive-bomb one another fighting over a crust of bread. In a paved driveway, a child sits beside his miniature snowman drawing pictures with pastel chalk. As sweat slides down the middle of my back I notice the snowbanks are still over my head.

Mood: observant
Drinking: nothing
Listening To: also nothing
Hair: . . . got new conditioner finally

Ring of Fire

2008-04-09T12:00:00.003-03:00

. . . down, down, down, and the flames went higher and it burns, burns, burns . . . I do enjoy a little Johnny Cash. I feel like I'm in a ring of fire a lot of the time. Stress, anxiety, and all that fun stuff. Just breathe babe.

I got some cleaning done yesterday. Not a lot, because a gal's got to work, but enough to make it feel like I made a dent. Scrubbed the entry hall and the kitchen, on my hands and knees with a scrub brush . . . I dunno, a toothbrush might be in order. Still not impressed with the results. Doing lots of laundry yesterday and today. Today I tackle the bathroom and the office. I'm hoping a stud with a stud-finder and a really big nail will turn up this evening and hang my painting, though I'm still not a hundred percent sure where to put it. Now, I'm leaning toward the office area . . . Once I get it hung I'll post a picture.

I'm waffling on Frye Fest . . . waffling I say. One day I say I can't possibly go, the expense of it all! And then I hear something else about it or from someone else who is going to be there and I think I can't possibly NOT go, the opportunity of it all! I should just send in my request for a press pass, just in case. Maybe I can go. Maybe I should go. Decisions, decisions.

Basically I got nothing to say today. I'm loving the weather, loving having the windows open, the heat off all night long . . . but I hear we're in for a turn . . . and that's okay too.

Mood: optimistic
Drinking: black coffee
Listening To: hallelujah, kd lang (leonard cohen)
Hair: growing longish again

The Pretender

2008-04-08T09:34:00.003-03:00

My blog reached a milestone the other day . . . 1,000 posts. Wow! Maybe I am prolific :-)

So yesterday kinda turned into a bust day of recharging, spent mostly in my inbox just dealing. Did not get a lot done on my list . . . actually, didn't even make the list.

Today I woke feeling more refreshed and rested, ready to get some stuff done. My alarm sounded at 6:30. Local radio. The voice of a girl I used to work with. And in my dreaming state I found myself back at the station flipping switches and pushing buttons, sweeping music up slowly under my voice. I could feel the ache in my back from that horrible rickety chair. I could maybe do radio again and actually enjoy it, if I had a good crew to work with.

Sunday morning at the Rodd I read part of one of my stories. Historically, I haven't had much luck with voice control while reading my fiction. I can speak in public. I can emcee. I can perform in plays and read the news and voice-over ads. I can overcome the nerves most of the time . . . but there's something about my fiction, it's just too raw, too personal, too close to me, and I have trouble pulling off my big strong voice, finding the deep tones in the pit of my stomach. And those are the tones you need if you want a room to listen to what you've got to say, you can't be high and squeaky.

Sunday morning I read part of my story. The lines came from a personal experience, although in the fiction there are different circumstances and the lines aren't delivered with purposeful malice. The personal experience that was inspiration for that part was so much worse than the fictional experience. And yet, the fictional experience is still pretty bad. So basically I picked the most personally emotional part of the story for me and that's what I read. And for one of the first times ever I had my voice, deep tones, controlled speed and pitch. There is hope for me yet.

I look at Elaine's painting and I think Madness & Magic. That was the working title for my collection of short stories back in the day . . . hmm, yes, I do have a collection of short stories. I entered into the Richards Prize many, many years ago, when I first became involved in the WFNB. I got judges comments saying it didn't work, some stories were strong, some weren't. Later I found out only the best ones had been passed onto the judge, only a few of the most promising had received comments. At the time that wasn't enough to squash the sting of the comments themselves. I hadn't workshopped anything anywhere yet. So I put the idea of a collection out of my head, the stories weren't good enough, they didn't gel together. Bygones. I've learned a lot in the last 10 years or so . . . maybe the time has come to revisit a collection.

Mood: pondering
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: sick side, nathan wiley
Hair: needing some tlc in a the worst freaking way

In Your Eyes

2008-04-07T13:03:00.003-03:00

Receiving lovely email and messages from people about the weekend. Feeling a certain nervous energy off the event still. By tomorrow I will return to normal. My apartment is in dire need of a good cleaning. The dust bunnies will soon carry me away. I've thrown open the windows for fresh spring breeze. Stuffing my face with bagels and berries before I begin. Perhaps I should start with a list so I don't lose focus.

I'm in talks about being in a play today. A rather large part for someone whose initial reaction was to turn down any role . . . and yet . . . I don't know if it's the creative energy of the weekend or the spring energy of today's bright sunshine and warm breeze or simply a different phase of the moon cycle . . . or maybe it's because of the irony of me being handcuffed on stage and delivering the saucy sexual innuendo at the end . . . but I think I'll do it. I think I'll be in the play. It's for a good cause. It's for my only cause. I can do that for the girls.

I'm going up home this weekend. Nick needs a bath and a shave and a tooth-cleaning and all that jazz. And I need to get away and keep my mind occupied in the company of people.

Mood: a little weird
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: faithfully, journey
Hair: same old

Give A Little Bit

2008-04-06T15:40:00.002-03:00

And my crazy weekend ends. Just in the nick. Capt'n, she canna take much more! Hold her together, Scotty!

The weekend was fabulous. From beginning to end. Just totally fabulous.

Thursday night was amazing. It could not have gone any better. I could not get over how many people came out to support it. Wow! The readers were terrific. The Heritage Players were awesome. I just couldn't be more pleased with the end result.

Friday night, of course was less nerve-wracking for me because all I had to do was show up and have fun. Great readings! We closed O'Donaghue's after the book launches.

The workshops were all really good on Saturday. The banquet was absolutely amazing! Such good food! And the cheesecake! Oh boy!

And again so much support for the readings this morning! What a great turn-out! So many people writing! It's exciting!

Some of my favourite memories from the weekend:

That moment when Sherry sat down after doing her first intro on Thursday night and I knew for sure that the evening was going to work.

Driving with my favourite ladies on Friday showing them MY Miramichi.

At the bus stop when suddenly Gerry was also there.

Being mentioned in conjunction with S.

The surprise of a poem for me.

1973 and 1979 at O'Donaghue's Friday night.

"Seeing comes before words. The child looks and recognizes."

"Isn't that our aim? To write like old men and women?"

"The facts aren't good enough."

"Fiction is taking liberties with the truth. Fiction is the truth that bothers us late into the night. Fiction is truer than the truth."

"Write about what you know you don't know."

"It's much easier to consider eternity than the present moment. The truth is in the eternal, but we're going to write about it in this present moment that we can't grasp."

"The writer has a moral onus to write the truth, but the story itself is never moral."

Hearing David Adams Richards read from "Lost Highway."

Welling up with tears as one of the young winners of the Sheree Fitch prize read a poem about girls doing anything to conform, about becoming the bad girl, realizing being bad is not good, the difficult lesson that reversing to a good girl is not nearly as easy.

Salad greens, strawberry vinaigrette, pickles, potato salad, penne salad, coleslaw, rice, carrots, potato wedges, roast turkey, cranberry chutney, hip of beef, chocolate cheesecake with strawberries, new york cherry cheesecake, cheesecake, cheesecake, cheesecake, cheesecake . . .

Ed & Elaine!

Getting a hug and kiss on the cheek from David Adams Richards when I finally got to meet him.

Loosening the frame from the bubblewrap to reveal the painting I've loved forever, and realizing I love it even more than I knew.

Finally getting to see my sweetie in person for a few minutes this morning before the final event.

Feeling the audience connection after reading an excerpt from Three Thirty Three.

Watching writers, who didn't know they were writers, realize they are writers, and the satisfaction of knowing that in some small way I've helped them reach this level of consciousness by helping to plan the event, by being there to witness the transformation.

And all those other little moments that I haven't found the words to illustrate.

Mood: exhausted
Drinking: nothing
Listening To: don't look back, boston
Hair: messy

Blank Page

2008-04-01T11:35:00.006-03:00

finish online bnm, publish online bnm website, design email for bnm online subscriber list, send out email to online bnm subscriber list, send out mighty successful pr, remind gov mansion guy about article for june print bnm, contact bnm ed board regarding thoughts on notes from last meeting to begin the discussion, email T about delivering print in newcastle area, call jill at the rodd about art installation, call gloria about art installation at the rodd, go to the post office to pick up parcel that is most likely the who in concert, go to the drugstore to buy hand soap and hair dye and conditioner, go to sobeys for tin foil and garlic and some foodstuff, go to the liquor store for wine and absenthe and maybe brandy, remember to use your coupon to get $10 off at the liquor store, check your bank account and make a plan for how you're going to finance this week/weekend and pay the bills, check acadian bus schedule and note time of freddy bus arrival for thursday, proof sherry's intros for thursday nite, clean out the spare room, wash all the bedding, send mass email to invite peeps to Thursday night, vaccuum the bedrooms, dust everything, sweep everywhere, scrub the kitchen and the bathroom and the entry hall floors with scrub brush, light mop remaining floors and hall, do dishes, do laundry, clean off and organize desk, plan wardrobe changes for weekend events, put clock in spare room, scrub the bathtub and sinks in bathroom and kitchen, take the garbage out, pick up Sears parcel, write thursday nite schedule, write intros for thursday night readers and who they're reading about, come up with some snappy one-liners for thursday emcee gig, take shower where snappy one-liners are usually born, write intro for gerry's workshop, contact thursday readers one last to firm up, remind stacy regarding tourist packages for wfnb, don't forget large envelopes, get copies of bnm for sale on saturday, make rough cross-river travel plan for weekend and different scheds, dye hair, shave legs, iron anything needing ironing, clean the toilet, wash black marks off walls, find money to buy that painting, confirm date for banquet, get cash for buying books and paying cab fares . . . and i think that's it, that's all i have to do between now and thursday when i meet joe at the bus station . . . then let the fun begin!

Mood: tired
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: back to bed, nathan wiley
Hair: every which way

Eagles

2008-03-31T20:27:00.002-03:00

My eagles have come back! Two of them, on the river ice, flying past my window, all afternoon. Glorious! The ducks are also back. I feel somewhat sad for them huddled on the ice waiting for the water to come.

They announced the Magnetic Hill concert for this summer earlier this afternoon. The Eagles will headline, which is no surprise but there were some surprises in the opening acts including John Fogerty. That's pretty awesome! KT Turnstall is also on the bill, I know a couple of her songs but I'm not a big fan or anything, maybe I'll get into her before the time comes. And last, but certainly not least, my boy Sam Roberts! Love, love, love him! I've seen him before and have been dying to see him again. I am so there! Now if only they'd add Matt Mays to the bill or The Trews or something . . . my toes will curl into a permanent knot for the summer!

The concert is the August long weekend, so I guess someone else will have to keep everyone up all night at Preston and Karen's, cuz apparently last year, it was ALL ME! Though I seem to recall several other guilty siblings, cousins, spouses and the like . . .

Mood: cheerful
Drinking: chai
Listening To: the pretender, foo fighters
Hair: so soft and silky! vinegar rinse, my friends, try it sometime

Best Days of My Life

2008-03-31T09:46:00.003-03:00

There's something about listening to Bryan Adams Reckless album that puts the butterflies into my belly. In particular the songs "Summer of '69," "One Night Love Affair" and "She's Only Happy When She's Dancing." That was the album to get for Christmas in 1984. I was 15 years old.

Was that the Christmas I had chicken pox? No, I think that was the first year R and I went together. Was that the Christmas I got my ghetto blaster? Maybe. It's quite possible. Was that the Christmas I had a party with my friends in the basement, and we played twister, and wrote and drew pictures on a big mural, and drank too much beer, and ate pizza, and someone puked on the cement floor? Yes, yes, I think it was.

I remember being upstairs in the kitchen, putting something in the garbage can under the sink and just slowly tipping over, slumping to the floor and being unable to stop laughing, just sitting there and laughing with the tears streaming down my face, Mom trying to help me up, but me laughing too hard, and Mom getting angry because I was apparently plastered drunk (though it wasn't that, I was stoned obviously).

I remember Mom growling R for letting me get that way, and him throwing up his hands, like he ever could've stopped me or got me to slow down . . . or got me to do anything, for that matter. That was the first clue that I couldn't and shouldn't smoke dope, though I didn't know it at the time.

Listening to Bryan Adams takes me back to the beginning, when everything was still brand new, being 14 and 15 and experiencing everything for the first time. Every day held some new adventure or excitement. Life was so unpredictable and random. I never knew from one moment to the next where I would be or what would happen. I was the girl who was up for anything . . . once. I blew whichever way the wind blew, changed my mind every second. If you looked up reckless in the dictionary you should find a picture of me. And I stayed that way for a really long time. Though in your 20s, unpredictable random adventures equal drama, and drama grows tiresome in an adult world.

I guess I'm still that girl, but I don't need those Bryan Adams reckless kinda butterflies anymore. Now, I have new and improved butterflies. I get them in springtime when a new season is born with endless possibility and opportunity. I love this time of year. I get them when I meet new fabulous people that I know will be in my life for a long time and probably forever. I get them when I count my blessings and feel so lucky and grateful for every second of my life, my family, my friends. I still feel like everyday is an adventure, like anything could happen, everything is possible, and situations change in an instant. These are my butterflies now. I'm excited about my life, everyday. And yes, I'm still the girl that can wake-up with one plan and find herself in a completely different place by the end of the day, but when you're excited about your life and focused on opportunities and being true to yourself, and not mindlessly following every whim, the universe delivers something more uplifting.

Mood: excited
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: yellow submarine, the beatles
Hair: ch-ch-chan-changes coming

Back on the Chain Gang

2008-03-30T10:37:00.003-03:00

I seem to have a focus problem today. I start one task and then when I'm half-way through another completely different task, I remember that, oh yeah, I was doing something else . . . yeah, it's THAT kind of a day.

And I'm back, having been away for another 15 minutes doing something else . . . see what I mean?

Yesterday was a pretty good day. We went to the Farmer's Market in Chatham for breakfast, which is always fabulous. Then it was off to the office for BnM production. Unfortunately they were doing some work on the building. Much sawing with lots of choking dust followed by the loud pounding vibration of unrelenting jackhammering. Oi! So we only stayed for a few hours, just long enough to make all the changes from an initial proofing, and print four new copies for a second proofing. I'm quite pleased. It's the best first draft we've ever done. And it's the most balanced issue we've done to date too. And I wrote nothing other than my Editor's note and regular columns. Cool!

When we left the office we went and did a little shopping at the Big Deals, natural food store, the Dollar Store, Global second-hand, and Kent Building Supplies. I got the Clerks II 2-disc dvd still wrapped in cellophane for $5, and a couple of books. I was trying to be financially responsible and exercise restraint. Then we went to supper at O'Donaghue's Pub. Of all the times we've been there, we'd never eaten a meal. So this was our wellness reward treat for doing so well these past few weeks. We played it safe and greasy sharing a basket of onion rings, followed by fish 'n chips. I'm looking forward to sampling more of their menu this week when I'm in Chatham for WFNB.

The WFNB event is coming together nicely. I think we're okay, and nothing has slipped by unnoticed. Should be tons of fun! I'm starting to get excited about it now. Busy week on the rise though. Lots to get done. Guess I should get to it, huh?

Mood: content
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: raise a little hell, trooper
Hair: . . .