Beginning to Look a Lot Like . . .

Yeah, another meme. No time to blog.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? gift bags. i'm not a good wrapper
2. Real tree or artificial? i like a real one, but i've never put up one of my own so i've never had to deal with watering, spills, etc. likely an artificial is more my speed
3. When do you put up the tree? mom usually puts hers up pretty early, a couple of weeks before christmas. if i were doing my own tree i'd have it up early in december
4.When do you take the tree down? after new year's
5. Do you like eggnog? nope
6. Favorite gift received as a child? when i was 14 i got a huge ghetto blaster that i loved but that's not really a child . . . umm . . . the saturday night fever soundtrack meant a lot to me
7. Do you have a nativity scene? no and nor will i ever
8. Hardest person to buy for? stacy, she's fussy and she has everything
9. Easiest person to buy for? lee, anything nascar and he acts the same if he loves it as he does if he hates it so there's no pressure to get a reaction
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? email, i've never sent mail ones before
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? a sweatshirt
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Love Actually
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? November
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? i don't think so
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? nachos? lol i'm not really into the turkey and stuffing scene
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? either
17. Favorite Christmas song? We Three Kings
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? travel to the folks
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? maybe so
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? either
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Eve
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? crazy mall shopping, i try to avoid
23. Does Santa wrap your gifts or leave them unwrapped? santa doesn't come anymore, if he did he'd leave things unwrapped

Mood: ok
Drinking: coffee with the last of the real cream
Listening To: fingers on keyboard
Hair: getting a shampoo today with any luck

Song Sung Blue

Borrowed from Life as I know it. A meme. Google the top 100 songs from the year you graduated from high school, bold the ones you loved (then, anyways!), strikeout the ones you hated, and leave the others plain.

1987. I don't remember much about what we were listening to that year. Never Say Goodbye was our prom theme, but it wasn't my favourite Jon Bon song by any stretch. The band hadn't learned how to play it, so they only did so one time and instead played Starship's Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now many times. I'm assuming because it was the song most schools chose as their theme that year. I was insane the first half of the year with worry about moving to Toronto. The second half of the year I was insane with the culture shock of moving to Toronto. We listened to Whitesnake a lot, I remember. I think someone was on a Judd's kick then. We danced to Mony Mony. I started my education into 70's rock and Toronto's band scene. As for the list, if I can't remember the song or if I was indifferent to it, I've left it untouched.

1. "Faith".....George Michael
2. "Alone".....Heart
3. "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)" .....Whitney Houston
4. "C'est la Vie".....Robbie Nevil
5. "Shake You Down".....Gregory Abbott
6. "La Bamba".....Los Lobos
7. "Livin' On A Prayer".....Bon Jovi
8. "Here I Go Again".....Whitesnake
9. "Heaven Is A Place On Earth".....Belinda Carlisle
10. "(I've Had) The Time Of My Life".....Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes
11. "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now".....Starship
12. "I Think We're Alone Now".....Tiffany
13. "With Or Without You".....U2
14. "At This Moment".....Billy Vera and the Beaters
15. "Keep Your Hands To Yourself".....Georgia Satellites
16. "Heart And Soul".....T'Pau
17. "Open Your Heart".....Madonna
18. "Didn't We Almost Have It All".....Whitney Houston
19. "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For".....U2
20. "Looking For A New Love".....Jody Watley
21. "Don't Dream It's Over".....Crowded House
22. "Is This Love".....Whitesnake
23. "Shake Your Love".....Debbie Gibson
24. "Shakedown".....Bob Seger
25. "Notorious".....Duran Duran
26. "I Want Your Sex".....George Michael
27. "The Lady In Red".....Chris DeBurgh
28. "Always".....Atlantic Starr
29. "Head To Toe".....Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam
30. "Mony Mony".....Billy Idol
31. "Only In My Dreams".....Debbie Gibson
32. "Land Of Confusion".....Genesis
33. "Lost In Emotion"....Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam
34. "Should've Known Better".....Richard Marx
35. "You Keep Me Hanging On".....Kim Wilde
36. "Touch Me (I Want Your Body)".....Samantha Fox
37. "Lean On Me".....Club Nouveau
38. "Catch Me (I'm Falling)".....Poison
39. "I Knew You Were Waiting".....Aretha Franklin & George Michael
40. "(I Just) Died In Your Arms".....Cutting Crew
41. "Control".....Janet Jackson
42. "Somewhere Out There".....Linda Ronstadt & James Ingram
43. "U Got The Look".....Prince
44. "Don't You Want Me".....Jody Watley
45. "Jacob's Ladder".....Huey Lewis and the News
46. "I Heard A Rumour".....Bananarama
47. "Little Lies".....Fleetwood Mac
48. "Songbird".....Kenny G
49. "Breakout".....Swing Out Sister
50. "Someday".....Glass Tiger
51. "Bad".....Michael Jackson
52. "In Too Deep:.....Genesis
53. "I Just Can't Stop Loving You".....Michael Jackson & Siedah Garrett
54. "La Isla Bonita".....Madonna
55. "Let's Wait Awhile".....Janet Jackson
56. "Luka".....Suzanne Vega
57. "You Got It All".....The Jets
58. "Who's That Girl".....Madonna
59. "Don't Mean Nothing".....Richard Marx
60. "Come On With Me".....Expose
61. "Will You Still Love Me?".....Chicago
62. "Wanted Dead Or Alive".....Bon Jovi
63. "Don't Disturb This Groove".....The System
64. "Change Of Heart".....Cyndi Lauper
65. "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You".....Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
66. "Casanova".....Levert
67. "When Smokey Sings".....ABC
68."Is This Love".....Survivor
69. "The Finer Things".....Steve Winwood
70. "Rock Steady".....The Whispers
71. "Big Time".....Peter Gabriel
72. "Point Of No Return".....Expose
73. "We'll Be Together".....Sting
74. "Something So Strong".....Crowded House
75. "Victory".....Kool and the Gang
76. "The One I Love"......R.E.M.
77. "Causing A Commotion".....Madonna
78. "Sign O' The Times".....Prince
79. "Carrie".....Europe
80. "Mandolin Rain".....Bruce Hornsby and the Range
81. "Tonight, Tonight, Tonight".....Genesis
82. "Can't We Try".....Dan Hill with Vonda Sheppard
83. "Diamonds".....Herb Albert
84. "Heart Of The Night".....Bryan Adams
85. "Let Me Be The One".....Expose
86. "Brilliant Disguise".....Bruce Springsteen
87. "Midnight Blue".....Lou Gramm
88. "Just To See Her".....Smokey Robinson
89. "Doing It All For My Baby".....Huey Lewis and the News
90. "Valerie".....Steve Winwood
91. "Cross My Broken Heart".....The Jets
92. "Ballerina Girl".....Lionel Richie
93. "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You".....Glenn Medeiros
94. "It's A Sin".....Pet Shop Boys
95. "I've Been In Love Before".....Cutting Crew
96. "Wipeout".....Fat Boys & Beach Boys
97. "Big Love".....Fleetwood Mac
98. "Respect Yourself".....Bruce Willis
99. "Who Will You Run To?.....Heart
100. "Right On Track".....Breakfast Club

Mood: focused and determined
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: my housemate's washer spin out
Hair: recently chopped

Cluttered Home/Cluttered Mind

My desk looks like a bomb went off on it. Paper everywhere. I should take a minute to tidy as it will help me function better in the long run. Up at a decent time this morning. Much to do before departing tomorrow and starting to freak out about bnm stories. Driving me crazy. Writing is hard. Rock Star Supernova debut on Jimmy Kimmel live tonight. Too late for people who actually sleep. Though it can be pvred for those with the technology.

Was beauty sunny morn only an hour ago, now clouding over, back to grey. Damn! And I had high hopes, felt like going for a walk and everything.

I need to do a pros/cons list for moving. I'm torn.

Mood: not sure
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Seven Days a Week, The Sounds
Hair: getting a trim maybe

Your Chief

Well I survived the Saint John excursion. I was extremely tired by the time I got back home, but restless, so I couldn't sleep. I ended up sleeping all day yesterday. Seriously, Saint John was very good. The board meeting went well. Lunch was . . . well, just okay with a vegetarian thin crust pizza that was not so thin and pretty soggy . . . but fabulous because I got to meet Alistair Macleod and talk about Bread 'n Molasses and the Miramichi and writing and making movies and lots of fun stuff. Then we went to his talk. He's a great speaker. Quite funny. And I came away with a new way of looking at my writing, which is always cool. I ran into an old friend who works at the Arts Centre and I hadn't seen for quite some time, which was a great surprise. He is supposed to email me, as I lost all his contact info in the great computer crash of 2006. So, if you're reading this, email me so I may know you once again and never drop in unexpectedly and unannounced again :-) The playwriting workshop in the afternoon was jam-packed with info and for me, very inspirational. I am going to write a play! I think I can do it! I think I know how now! Yay! The drive home didn't seem to take as long as the drive in. We were back in no time. I enjoyed vegetable samosas with mango chutney for dinner and tried to crash early. I did fall asleep on the futon in front of the tv for about 20 minutes. Then I got up and went to bed only to roll round and round, restless. So I went back to the futon in front of the tv and fell asleep for another 20 minutes. Tried the bed again, same thing, round and round. Finally I just went to the futon, turned on the tv and stayed there. Not sure why I needed to sleep on metal bars with noise in the background, but there you go. I slept.

I leave for Miramichi on Wednesday. Back again Saturday. Just in time for a one-nite visit from Stacy, followed by a visit from Trish on Monday (last I heard). So, lots on the go. BnM production week. Oh boy! Lots of work to do.

I floated the idea of my moving to the Sackville ladies . . . did not go over well. I don't know what to do. I'm torn. Luckily there's lots of time to figure this thing out before my lease is up.

Better get to work.

Mood: alert
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: Music is the Victim, Scissor Sisters
Hair: can i possibly squeeze a cut into my whirlwind visit?

An Early Start

Going to Saint John this morning for WFNB board meeting and Fall Fair. Freaked out about getting up so early. Accidentally changed the time on my clock when I set the alarm. Yep. So instead of getting up at 5 . . . I got up at 4. Oy! But that's all right. I wasn't really sleeping anyway. I never can when I know I've got to get up and be ready to go someplace early. It just goes against my nature. I should've been a celebrity. You know, like a rock star or something, where you get paid to function at night. I am highly functional between 11pm and 2am.

Listening to the new Supernova CD. You can too. Click Here. Loving it! Loving all the tracks so far! Very cool. Now, if they were to come to NB, I think I'd have to go see.

In other news . . . I'm thinking of moving in the spring when my lease is up. Thinking of going back to Miramichi. Chatham most likely. Where I will be close to work. But perhaps Douglastown. Can't see me in Newcastle, but hey, I never thought I'd be moving again so soon, so nothing would surprise me. I've been thinking about it for a little while, started testing the notion out on people this week. So far, the response is all encouraging. I really love Sackville, will be sad to leave, but I don't know that I'm supposed to be here now. I'm feeling more and more like my time here is done, like I've got what I was supposed to get and now it's time to move on to something new. Keep you posted on that.

Mood: nervously energetic
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Valentine, Rockstar Supernova
Hair: damp

Goals

"Get up and dance, get up and smile, get up and drink to the days that are gone in the shortest while."-- Simon Fowler

Good morning! If the recent events of Hurricane Katrina and Rita haven't taught us the value and importance of a moment, think about the above quote. Isn't that a wonderful, yet bittersweet quote?

It reminds us of how what is all around us -- won't last forever. Yet, in the same breath, it reminds us to dance and smile and celebrate. Celebrate every moment, and don't worry about the small things in life that tend to weigh us down.

What will you do today to celebrate the fact that you are here? To celebrate what you have that is good in your life?

Your Turn:
Review your goals. If you have not been using the three step action list diligently, begin today. What do you want to accomplish by the end of November? By the end of this year? Write your goals down. Research shows that writing your goals down increases your odds of success by over 70%. Make a commitment to yourself to step forward each day this month. If you haven't yet started the Challenge, begin today. You are worth it.

Your Affirmation:
Each day I take a step forward toward my goals. As I take that step, I will laugh, smile and dance.

From the Change Your Life daily newsletter I receive every day.

A couple of weeks ago I was showing a friend my list of 101 Things. I carry around a hard copy in my wallet. She said, "Oh, you must be a goal-oriented person." I nearly laughed. Me? Goal-oriented? I mean yeah, for the purpose of my resume, I've been goal-oriented since the early 90's, but not for one minute did I ever believe that I was really that kind of a person. Until I thought about it. I do make lists of things that I want to do and then I do them and cross them off. At New Year's I'll set some goals for the coming year and take a look back at how well I did at achieving the things I set out for myself to accomplish this past year. I've been doing that for a really long time now. And on top of that, this year I started my 101 Things. So yeah, I must really be goal-oriented! Wow! How did that happen? This just goes to prove that you will evolve into the things you tell yourself that you are. It's been written on my resume for years. I've thrown the term around at every job interview I've ever went on (and there have been LOTS). And now I'm not even lying -- I AM GOAL-ORIENTED!

Mood: focused
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: traffic on the hills of Salem
Hair: damp and stringy

Ami

Make it stop! I wanna get off! This grey weather and rain is enough to drive a person insane. Like seriously crazy. My arthritis is acting up in my knees. It's rained for two weeks and nothing in the forecast but rain until Sunday when it will be cloudy with a chance of sunny periods. Oy! It's like night all the time, screwing with my system.

So, I'm going to Saint John on Saturday for the WFNB Fall Fair. I've got to be there early for a director's meeting. I'm being picked up at 6:15 am. Six-fifteen! In the morning! Oh boy. That'll be a challenge. What kind of a great day is that going to be. If I got shit-faced drunk Friday night I might be okay that early. I tend to function better on less when I'm impaired. Years of experience I guess. It's very difficult for me to get to sleep before 3am. I go to bed, I close my eyes, but nothing happens. I'll have to get up at 5 . . . 5:30 at the absolute latest . . . to be ready to leave by 6:15. That's not a whole lot of sleep time in the middle. It wouldn't be so bad except I'm taking workshops, I'm having to introduce workshop leaders, I'm going to be writing . . . you don't really want to be all spazzed out for those things. I could pull an all-niter Thursday, which would put me in a sleepy frame of mind by midnight Friday (yeah, even on an all-niter I can't calm down before the witching hour) but I risk the whole thing going terribly wrong between 5 and 6 Friday morning (my weak time), when I could possibly crash and not rise again until noon.

Or I could just not have any coffee Friday morning. Meaning I'd never actually wake up, therefore I should be able to drift off by midnight. I'm not asking for much. Five hours and I'm raring to go.

Mood: contemplative
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Overrated, Gavin DeGraw
Hair: greying

Free

Well I seem to be shaking off last week's nosedive depression, despite days upon days of rain and nothing else in sight. I've chance of thundershowers going on, which makes me uneasy in November. I'm working hard on BnM, the second print edition, coming out for December. The writing is so frigging exhausting. I try to make it fun, less like work, but what can I do? It's work, that's just what it is. And it's damn hard.

I noticed on the Mount A calendar this morning that Cindy Sheehan, the mother who camped outside President Bush's ranch to try and get a few words with him, is here today and giving a talk tonight. I won't be going. No time. And I can't afford to clutter my brain with politics right now anyway. But I wish I had nothing going on. I think she'd be interesting. I'm sure someone I know will go and tell me about it later.

I dreamt I moved to a new town last night. An even smaller town if you can imagine such a thing. And I started going to everything they had, like town council meetings and AA and church and just anything that happened where people could go. It was weird. I met interesting people though. I probably should do more of that in my real life, rather than always be holed up here alone.

Tonight I am making eggplant parmigiana for dinner. I've never made it before. I've never even eaten an eggplant before. But I've got a good idea of what I need to do and I keep seeing Curtis of Take Home Chef on TLC (my FAVOURITE cooking show!)doing stuff with eggplant that looks absolutely amazing. So, I'm giving it a go! Eggplant parm is supposed to be the easiest thing in the world to make, failsafe, so they say. We shall see. If I had a decent camera I'd take pictures of the end result. Maybe I'll try with the clunker and see if I can anything steady. The problem is not the camera so much, the problem is me with that particular camera. I'm a shaker. You need to hold the button in forever before it takes the picture, there's a huge delay. So I press the button and I wait so long that I begin to wonder is it going to happen and meanwhile I can't hold steady. There's none of that fancy stuff to help with the shakes on this beastie. It's only 1MP for godsake. It's an antique, no doubt the first digital camera ever made. Still, it was free. So there you go, you get what you paid for. Perhaps I'll try to take a picture . . . yeah, but perhaps not, it's just too frustrating to deal with and I don't have a tri-pod.

Speaking of eggplants and Curtis cooking for vegetarians, I was just flipping through my calendar and noticed that I've been eating vegetarian for 2 months now. Yeah, I started on September 11th. I have had a few meat meals in that time, to clean out the meat frozen in my refrigerator, but not much. I've still got meat I've got to use up sometime. But mostly, it's all veggie all the time. Weird! Who thought that would stick?

Mood: scattered
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: thumping in the next door kitchen
Hair: clean

You Are What You Eat

So the latest scare is Salmonella in chocolate bars. Spinach, lettuce, chocolate . . . I dunno, but it's really starting to feel like you can't trust anything anymore. You're taking your life into your hands just by eating. I took the spinach hit pretty hard, but I so rarely eat chocolate that I'm not much bothered by this development. I am rather taken with the white chocolate bars from the Just Us coffee people. Absolutely amazing! Like no other white chocolate I've ever had. Even if you're not a big white chocolate fan, you might enjoy this one a lot. And they've also got the 70% cocoa dark chocolate and a milk chocolate bar. The local Co-Op has started carrying a lot of Just Us products. I enjoy the coffees too. I buy them because they taste fabulous, it's quality all the way. The fact that they're fair trade and organic is just a bonus that makes me feel even better about something I already felt pretty good about.

There's a blood donor clinic coming up soon in Sackville and I think I'll go if for no other reason than to find out what my blood type is. Stacy has been eating for her blood type and noticing that she feels pretty good. I don't know if I'd do it, this vegetarian thing seems to be a good thing for me right now, but I would like to know what it says I should and shouldn't eat. If I'm Type O like my mom thinks I am, then I'm actually supposed to be eating a kind of Atkins type diet, with lots of meat protein. I'm curious anyway.

Speaking of putting food in your mouth, I'd like to slim down a bit by the New Year. I feel like I've been gaining weight, though there's nothing in my clothes to bear this out. I realise no matter what I eat now I'm not going to lose any more weight. I have maintained this new size for a solid year now, so it's time to step things up in the physical activity area. I should be walking more for sure. I should be making more trips up and down my stairs. I should be doing some weights. It's always a struggle to find ways to incorporate these things into your routine. I wish I liked a sport . . . it would be easier if I was crazy for tennis or something. I do like walking though. I just need to change my mindset. Right now I feel guilty taking time to go for a walk, just for the sake of walking. My walks have to be about getting groceries, getting the mail, having a destination and a purpose. When really it should just be about me and my health and releasing stress and feeling great, because that's pretty important stuff. I'm working on it.

Mood: optimistic
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: trucks on the street
Hair: oy!

So . . .

Two people are reading, or should I say would read if I blogged. So maybe I should blog. But what about? Hmm.

. . .

I'm feeling anxious about money again. On Wednesday I went to my bank to see if we couldn't do anything to make it so they don't hold my pay cheques until they clear. And once again I was made to feel like a criminal with words like "fraud risk" being tossed around along with the arched eyebrow question about being paid in Miramichi but living in Sackville. I'm so shady. This after I trudged out there in the piss pouring rain.

This is why for years and years I had nothing to do with banks. Cash in pocket was the motto. The only reason I have an account now is so I can pay the landlord. The whole ordeal really bummed me out. I mean REALLY bummed me out. Not that I expected to be welcomed with open arms and treated like a normal person. (Remember, I'm very shady.) I didn't expect to have a complete breakdown about it afterward though. That was a most insane surprise. I guess it brought back some stuff, cell memory or something.

I was so overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness that I exploded into the hyperventilating almost puking sobbing loud enough to wake the neighbors ugly cry. I cannot remember the last time I had that cry. Surely it's been 7 or 8 years. I cry a lot, yes. I cry over movies, tv shows, books, websites, funny things the kids say--you name it and I'm ready to cry over it. But I cry quietly. It's a tear thing. Tears streaming down my face, blinding me, runny nose, the occasional whimper maybe. Most times though, you could sit with me in the room and not even know I'm crying, unless you looked into my eyes. Occasionally there is a light version of the ugly cry, with some sobs . . . but the gut twisting ugly cry . . . wow! That never happens. I mean it's been so long that I kinda forgot it existed, I thought Ugly Cry Lite was the big one. It is so NOT the big one!

So I had myself a great big ole bad-assed ugly cry that had nothing to do with the fact that I needed to find extra money somewhere so my rent wouldn't bounce; that I had no coffee, no cream, no milk, no bread, no wine, no soap, no salt, and numerous other sundry items; that I may possibly be late paying my credit card bill . . . unless I get a cash advance on my credit card to pay my credit card; that I couldn't go to the ballet today, or anywhere all week that wasn't free; that I got paid on the 4th but I won't actually be able to access any of that money until the 15th; that I have some loose change in my wallet, quarters mostly, and that is all there is and has been since Christ was a cowboy . . . nope, none of this caused the cry. Yeah, it's all very inconvenient and enough to piss anyone off. But if I hadn't gone to the bank meeting I would've just been pissed off and that would've been the end of it. Instead I went to a meeting to see if there is anything that can be done. Big mistake. I should've known better. Have I learned nothing all these years?

Self-esteem, self-worth, self-image--all these things are a daily struggle for me. It was right around 2000 or 2001, sometime in there as I hit my 30's that I started to pull myself back together after hitting bottom. And I mean, when I hit bottom, I REALLY hit bottom--physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. I could not have sunk any lower. I thought I would die. I wanted to die. I tried to die at every opportunity. I created opportunities to die. But I lived. No matter how many risks I took, no matter how much I tried to help my death along, it never happened. I kept walking away. So around about the turn of the century I came to understand that I wasn't going to be allowed to get out of my life so easily, that if I wanted something else for myself, I'd better do something about it because nobody else was going to. And I started confronting myself, my past, my demons. I wrote it out of me and I weeped. I spent a year locked in my bedroom writing and sobbing. I stopped taking pills and drinking everyday. I stayed sober for a year to make amends for staying drunk and high for three. I swore the next man I had sex with would be someone I loved. No more one night stands. No more men just for the sake of not being alone. And I read books and I did the self help exercises, staring at myself in the mirror and telling myself that I was good enough, that I was worth something, that I didn't need anyone else, that I'd be okay on my own, and I didn't believe a word of it, but I trusted the books that said if I did it long enough I'd trick my brain into believing. And I admitted I had a disease called arthritis and I quit smoking and I walked on a treadmill and I tried to eat more healthy. And my metabolism vanished and I gained weight like never before and still I didn't smoke. And I declared personal bankruptcy and started over. And I spent time with myself finding out what I wanted to do with my life, imagining what a good life looked like and telling myself that I deserved to have a good life. And I made progress. I continue to make progress.

And then I go to the bank and am called a criminal and I fall apart. I cried in the rain on the walk home, unable to hold the tears back even that long. I couldn't even talk to my mother on the phone, I was too upset. And then I burst into the almost forgotten ugly sobs. And I was right back there again. Worthless. A fuck up. Getting exactly what I deserved. I don't deserve any better. And suddenly the cup wasn't half full or even half empty it was shattered, non-existent. I thought I was past all those feelings. I thought I was stronger, that nobody could touch my self-worth anymore. That I'd done the work and I was good to roll. I guess I was wrong. It's a precarious house of cards and I can't take my eyes off it for a moment or someone could bring the whole thing down. Good to know.

Mood: moody
Drinking: water
Listening To: Breathe, Anna Nalick
Hair: dirty

Random 10

Everybody's doing it.

1. In View, The Tragically Hip
2. Song Beneath the Song, Maria Taylor
3. Soft Surrender, The Killers
4. Retriever, Ron Sexsmith
5. Help Yourself, Amy Winehouse
   
6. Ego, The Sounds
7. Sway, Bic Runga
8. High, James Blunt
9. Your Heart, Matt Mays
10. SexyBack, Justin Timberlake
    

Mood: all over the place
Drinking: coffee, french roast, organic, fair trade, with real cream, it don't get any better than this, folks
Listening To: Share Yourself, On the Speakers
Hair: looks like i'm not gonna have time for the cut i so badly need

The Question

Am I not blogging because you're not reading? Or are you not reading because I'm not blogging?

Mood: quizzical
Drinking: nothing, i am dehydrated
Listening To: yard work
Hair: needing a cut in the worst way

CC Blues

I am returned from whirlwind weekend on the Mighty river. The weekend began with my train being almost 4 hours late. What is up with that?! Every frigging time now. Oh well, at least I wasn't on it when it hit the car. I got to stay home longer and do lots of works before I departed.

My father met me at the station and I helped him manoeuvre the new overpass to the highway. (No, it is not a traffic circle!) I arrived in the land of Barnbonia tightly wound and with no wine in sight. Oy!

Up semi-early Saturday and off to the Mighty office for a BnM meeting with the whole crew. Good stuff! And then a day of backyard exploration with the fearless leader. Chinese at Cunards before a Stedman's shopping spree. New pub opening soon in Chatham is going to be THE place to be. I can't wait to go and be snugged! The Monster donairs at the new place in Newcastle are the biggest thing I've ever seen! Truly monster proportions. They also have wraps for those not donair inclined. For the first time ever, Stacy and I stepped inside the Black Horse and everything we ever thought about the place turned out to be completely wrong. It's big! And bright! And clean! With pool tables and Pink Floyd on the jukebox and draught beer that you drink two at a time. It's not even a little scary. Totally hangable. Who knew? The Bulk Barn is a terrible place to go when you're hungry. They have the most huge selection of vegetarian and allergy conscious foods at the Sobeys in Douglastown. A McDonald's large fries is enough to feed a family of four. We found the overpass all on our own and called an early night of it around 11.

Sunday saw my mother's living room converted to a photo studio as I posed for some apparently necessary staff shots. This after being visited by Munchkins. And then I finally got to visit and see my sister's new house. It's beautiful! Big. Open. Fabulous! I grazed on root chips and nachos all evening then stayed up too late and overslept this morning.

Crazy packing and scurry to the train, which decided to run on time for once. Worked by longhand onboard. Cabbed home in blowing snow (only because I wasn't dressed warm enough, not because I didn't want to be out in snowflakes). And discovered most of my paycheque is being held (AGAIN!) for six business days. Called the bank. Nothing they can do unless I qualify for a VISA or overdraft with them . . . fat chance of that I think, but I'm gonna try. I have to! This is crazy. Had to transfer my savings to my chequing to ensure the rent doesn't bounce. Leaving me with $5 cash in pocket until next Tuesday when all my money will be released. So I'm poor. Broke. Again. Even though my bank account is full up. Bah! Humbug! Oh well, at least I have some food. Though no coffee to be found about the place :-(

Mood: wound up
Drinking: water
Listening To: water running outside (tighten the tap, boys! tighten the tap!)
Hair: i don't want to talk about it

Cherry

Supposed to get some flurries today maybe . . . in Northern NB, not here. I'm disappointed. Oh well. Yesterday I was reminded of Christmas past. I get my procrastination from my dad I think. My dad is a huge procrastinator. Monumental! This likely had more of an effect on my childhood than my younger sisters because when I was growing up my mother hadn't yet stepped into her full potential, hadn't really started doing things herself. So there were things that just didn't get done because my dad never got around to doing them and other things that never got done until very late. Rather than get a Christmas tree herself (which she would totally do now) it was my father's responsibility to get a tree and being the greatest procrastinator of all time he would wait until the last possible moment.

Back then we didn't buy Christmas trees, we went into the woods and chopped one down. And so it came to pass that every Christmas Eve, long after dark, Dad and I would be in the woods back Dungarvon, Cains River or Lockstead with the flashlight and the axe, usually wading snow up past my knees, sometimes during a blizzard, searching for the perfect tree. It was an exciting and frustrating activity. I was more inclined to just take whatever we stumbled across first, but Dad still wanted to get the prettiest tree he could find. So the process was long. And in the dark, you couldn't really tell what you got until you got it home.

In early years the whole family would go on these excursions, I remember Mom and Sherry being in the car, maybe Jenn too as a baby in Mom's arms in the front seat. And I don't think it was left quite so late, but at the end it was just me and Dad on Christmas Eve. Each year returning with an even scragglier Charlie Brown tree than the Christmas before. It would be after 9 before we'd even get home with it and then the rush of bed lunches and Santa's snack and getting off to bed. It would be after midnight before Mom would have the tree decorated. Us kids wouldn't even see it until Christmas morning. I know it drove her crazy. It became a running joke in the family, about the Christmas Eve Holy (as in full of holes) trees that Dad and I would bring home.

I'm not sure when this practice came to an end. Probably when I got too old to go with him. I remember him bringing trees home from work with him. I think my boyfriend and his friends got Mom a tree some years. And likely Mom took to the woods herself when I was in high school and she started to look to Dad less for things. My mother got her driver's license and went to work and became a different person after I graduated high school. I understand now that I was partly the catalyst. They needed more money to help me live in Toronto and stay in school. So, my sisters had a different mother for part of their childhood than the one I grew up with.

Mom got an artificial tree a year or so ago, but even before that she would buy a real tree weeks before Christmas. No more waiting until Christmas Eve. Her house is always decorated for the holidays weeks before the event and until after the New Year.

Mood: nostalgic
Drinking: coffee, cold
Listening To: Promiscuous Girl, Nelly Furtado with Timbaland
Hair: questionable

Easy Silence

Doing a little better today maybe. Haven't been myself for over a week now, since last Monday, but yesterday seems to have been the worst of it. I think I hit the peak and now I'm heading down the other side to level ground again. Feeling a bit calmer. Of course I haven't actually had any interaction with anyone yet today to test the water, to see if I can go from 0 to infinity in a second. Yesterday I just wanted to beat somebody up, like physically assault somebody. Days like that I wish for a punching bag. Instead I had to settle for fighting 90km wind on my run-around. Froze my ears. Hats are back! Yay!

I can't wait for snow. I just feel like it'll all be okay if only it would snow. White everywhere. Yes, I might be sick of it come March, but right now I want some. Last winter hardly arrived. They say we're not going to get much snow this winter either. They're certainly getting it out west. Last night on Entertainment Tonight Canada they were in the Yukon. Dawson City at Berton House. This place is perfect for me! I bet if I went to the Yukon, I'd never come back. You think I'm kidding?

Mood: improved
Drinking: coffee, instant, lots of cream
Listening To: Not Ready to Make Nice, The Dixie Chicks (on Oprah they said this was a "rock" album . . . yeah, not quite dudes, still I like the lyrics on most of the tracks and want to see the documentary, they're feisty, gotta give them that)
Hair: changes coming on soon