Taking Stock

The last time I took stock was January 3rd, 2007. On my blog that day I looked at my 2006 goals and decided I had accomplished about 50% of what I set out to do, then I set new goals for 2007. Now, it's that time again, time to take stock. Here's what I wrote:

The areas I will focus on in 2007 are:

1. Health
2. Work

And that is all.

Or more specifically:

HEALTH

1) Diet
a. Drink lots of water
b. Eat breakfast
c. Control portions
d. Nutrition & balance

2) Fitness
a. Walk everywhere, every day
b. Strength exercise consistently
c. Find an activity (or activities) that you enjoy and participate regularly (dancing, swimming, tennis, ?)

3) Mental
a. Yoga
b. Meditation
c. Sleep

WORK

1) Get organized & stay organized
2) Declutter and maintain
3) Plan and follow through
4) Focus and maintain focus
5) Get ahead of the workload and stay out in front
6) Develop time-saving and productive work habits

Now let's break it down. I think I accomplished more this year with regard to the work part of the goals than on the health side. I feel like I slipped on the health side of things.

I do feel more organized, uncluttered, planned and focused on the work front than ever before. If you were to check my inbox right now you'd only find 40 emails there, everything else has been filed in the right spot. This is major! A year ago you would have found hundreds, perhaps thousands. I'm getting better at dealing with email as they arrive whether to file or delete or reply or whatever action is needed.

This year I also had another hard drive blow up on me, which was relatively painless as far as my work went because everything was backed up and filed where it was supposed to be. Systems are getting better. I'm getting better. Writing the novella Sammy story changed everything with regard to my ability to maintain focus and follow a plan.

I have developed some really good work habits this year. Some strong habits. Including actually using my day planner to make a plan and then following that plan. I've not been really good at maintaining that sort of organization and focus ever before. Yes, there are still a goodly number of pages left blank as I finish off the book for 2007, but I've done well, much better than any other year. And I'm exceling at using a wall calendar, having touched every day, even if just to mark its passing. I feel I've grown more conscious of my time and in doing so have become better aware of how to more productively manage it.

I feel like I improved about 80% on the work front this year. I feel strong heading into 2008, ready to overcome more obstacles, only grow better and take things to the next level. I haven't gotten ahead of the work load yet. I'm still chasing the work. But it feels like that is the next piece to fall into place.

But health is another matter. Moving to Miramichi seemed to majorly impact my success level. There have been a lot of weeks spent in high stress and anxiety this year, many more than the year previous, all related to me moving back to Miramichi. Not that I regret the move in any way, it's just like anything else, there's been a period of adjustment.

Yes, I had months of absolute brilliance but I also had way more months of absolute crap than I'd had years previous. On the healthy balanced diet front, I think if we put my good days on one side of a scale and my bad on the other, they would not balance but the bad would weigh the thing down. I lost nutrition ground this year. I stopped eating the way I had been consistently eating in Sackville. Overall, I'd say I probably did at least 50% worse on diet this year than I did last year, quite possibly more. I need to work hard just to get back to the level I was once at.

As poorly as I did on the nutrition front, I did even worse on the fitness front. Yes, I had brilliant moments of stepping. Yes, I purchased a pedometer. But overall the year was crap as far as fitness. I walked less than the year before in Sackville. In Sackville I walked consistently. Here, I've been beyond patchy. If I lost 50% ground on nutrition, I'd have to say I've lost a good 75% ground on fitness.

As my one year anniversary of moving approaches in February, I'm feeling more calm, more settled, more stable, and better able to make up the ground I've lost and continue the journey forward.

The only physical fitness aspect where I feel I've gained any ground at all is under the sleep component. Consistently I am getting better rest here than I was in Sackville. Consistently I am getting up earlier. Rising anytime after 8 really has become a sleep in, whereas my natural rising time in Sackville was consistently after 10am and anything before 8 seemed very damn early. Yes, I still stay up late a lot of the time, but I am able to go to bed before 10pm without thinking it's too early. I'm able to function better on less hours than I used to before. This seems to be a major benefit of the move and having more natural light in my life.

I came into this exercise of taking stock really feeling as if overall 2007 was a bit of a lost year for me, a wash out, but now I'm not so sure. I have grown. And while I did lose ground in one area, I really came ahead in another. So maybe like other years before this I was actually 50% successful at what I set out to do. And accomplishing 50% is not too bad to my way of thinking.

Later I will post my goals for 2008. This year they will be wellness goals in keeping with the new year being one of wellness and accountability. Let's give the buddy system a whirl and see if it increases our success ratio.

Mood: contemplative
Drinking: instant coffee
Listening To: just me typing
Hair: uncombed, unwashed, unrazored, unkempt

Happy Christmas!

I'm so over Merry y'all. It's days past the big day and I'm just getting into it. Well, maybe I'm not getting into the Christmas thing at all, just the New Year thing, but no matter my belly is fluttery with butterflies and I'm excited about life! Maybe this is just because I seemed to sleep a bit better last night and the mucus in my throat has dissipated somewhat. But who cares! I'm excited about the day! It's snowing! Like big ass flakes!

Last night Stacy and I exchanged our Christmas gifts. As usual I felt like I didn't get her nearly enough, but mine was the gift that if properly executed will just keep on giving throughout the year, so maybe that compensates. As usual she got me everything I wanted and more! Bakeware! A set of six pieces, that is like earthenware that you can go from oven to table. Just makes ya want to bake beans and make a lasagna! They're brown (very earthy and good!) and the set includes a rectangle piece, a square pan, a round pot with cover (for the beans don't ya know!) and two smaller round ones (are they called ramekins?). Very excited about it!

That on its own was enough, but the giving continued. She also got me a mug made by an NB potter named Babineau. It's lovely and big, which is how I like them and unique in that the base of the mug is pinched, good for picking up by the base instead of the handle. Good grip. The base is light coloured, plain, and it's trimmed in green tones. Kinda rough and imperfect, not too much glaze, which is exactly what I like so well.

And now you're thinking surely that's all, but nooooo, she also got me two gift sets one from St.Ives and the other from The Healing Garden Organics (Fig and Lavender!), which are both things I love but other than the St. Ives apricot facial scrub (which I just ran out of and needed some more) I never buy for myself.

Another gift was the Sentimento Latino wall calendar featuring artwork by Antonio Broccoli Porto, which has some very interesting and lovely paintings in it. Fabulous! There was also a dayplanner for 2008, a tin of Timothy's Coffee of the World White Hot Chocolate, which I'm dying to try, and two body bars from the Method line (which is natural, organic, etc.) The bars are called pure minimalist, which we all know suits me pretty well, lol. Oh and I nearly forgot! (Because I've nearly eaten them all) A box of homemade chocolate truffles! Oh boy! They are yummy!

So we had a great time exchanging gifts and catching up. Part of my gift to her involves our blogs. The theme of my gift was Wellness and Accountability. Basically her and my wellness, us being accountable to one another. It's kind of a gift to both of us. I promise to be all up in her face every day and this will help both of us. I wrote her three notes on postcards of different women. One said that we would each write three wellness (mind, body, spirit) goals for 2008 and post them on our blogs for the world to see (and thereby hold us accountable to achieve them). Another said that beginning in the New Year the first email I send every day will be to her, telling her how many steps I took the day before and asking for her numbers (we both have pedometers). And the third card said that we would begin the year with a cleansing detox diet for seven days. I emailed her the instructions for that one this morning. My gift included Sobeys gift cards to buy the fresh produce for the cleanse. I also gave her a Women's Day Planner, a time management course with cd, a book on emotional health and two planters. So yeah, totally doesn't seem like I got her very much in comparison. I need to be extra diligent in my bugging her to keep stepping.

Today I'm expecting more company. A friend is coming to stay the night. Girl talk!! Yay! Hopefully, the snow will not ruin our plans. Fingers crossed.

Mood: happy
Drinking: coffee, instant, black
Listening To: the fridge hum (it seems excessively loud these past few days)
Hair: forgotten and neglected

Dreams With Deadlines

As we get closer to the end of 2007 I've been a little concerned about myself. Normally as soon as the calendar flips to December I go into reflection and planning mode. I start to take stock of the past year and get excited about setting new goals for the new year. But this December came and stayed and I felt nothing. And there's been a little nagging voice in the back of my mind whispering, "What's wrong? Are you gonna take stock or what? Don't you have any dreams to fulfill?" And then the other day at the office we were having a last holiday toast before we all scattered to our various family festivities for a week and T asked me to reflect on the past year, and I had nothing. Not a thought in my head. So I was concerned, understandably. Very out of character for me. But this morning the first reflective rumblings in my tummy, the first anticipation of new goals. Whew! That was close! Maybe I've just been too busy to get into it. But rest assured I'll be back next week to look at the year in review and plan for the year ahead. Yay! I'm back!

It's Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Wish me luck!

Mood: excited
Drinking: black coffee
Listening To: somebody to love, queen
Hair: soon to washed and fluffed

Achy Again

Awake since 5am though I tried to continue sleeping until 6:30, should have just gotten up. I'm in an achy season again. There seems to be an excess of moisture in the air or something. Pain makes me tired. I self-medicate. IOW (my own shorthand for In Other Words) I drink. And this is the drinking season too, so that can get excessive. One glass of wine can easily turn into two this time of year. And as I saw on the weekend two glasses quickly becomes two bottles. So I'm kind of in constant pain. There is no isolated spot, it's an all-over achy weariness. Even in sleep I'm in pain. Last night's series of dreams involved me being tortured. I'm not sure what information was being sought of me or why these people wanted to bend me to their will, but I found myself repeatedly being strapped into machines for various painful exercises. Chained into a chair with my arms dangling loosely by my side. Suddenly my wrists are enclosed in steel cuffs and the chair begins to rise. Lying on my back on a concrete slab, the man with the welders goggles begins to drill slowly into my knee cap. And so it went, from dream to dream, all night long. That is the sleep of one who is in pain. This morning I don't feel like going to any of the soirees I have been invited to this afternoon/evening. Perhaps I'll shake it off as the day progresses.

Mood: tired, sore
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: still haven't found what i'm looking for, u2
Hair: uncombed

Right Next to the Right One

Yeah, I'm listening to Celine. Go figure. Well, here we are, heading into insanity. No turning back now. This evening Stacy and I went grocery and liquor store shopping, then back to my place for a way late supper and wrapping gifts for the family we've sponsored at work. Tomorrow morning we're going to deliver them. Tomorrow night me and Stace had thought maybe we'd exchange our gifts but now I think we're going to hold off until next week. After the holiday rush. Something for later. Friday the crush begins in earnest for me. I'm going to the office to work. We're going to knock off early and dig into a bottle of wine or two, the bulging beer fridge, enjoy some spirits. Then me and Stacy head off to Barnbonia for the Tea House staff party, followed directly by a road trip to the rip roaring rapids for a house party. I'll stay all night at the folks, return to town on Saturday, where I'll try to make sure everything is prepped for a longer stay upriver. Take care of the last minute shopping and housework, etc. It's possible I'll be nursing a hangover. With any luck I will be completely recovered and relaxed by Sunday's big adventure with CMC, definitely lunch, maybe a ball game, who knows what else? Anything is possible. Conversation lasting into the wee hours, fits of giggles, holding hands . . . I have a good feeling about this one. But a new adventure is always exciting. Monday I pack up and leave for a couple of days at the folks. I am now leaning toward making the jerk chicken nachos for the xmas eve festivities, purchased some fixings this evening including the frigging Maple Leaf Prime boneless skinless chicken breasts! That's some damn fine chicken! It's funny, at the store all I wanted to buy was stuff that needed no prep, like pudding and microwave dinners, you know quick stuff, open the package shove the food in your mouth. I don't know why I always fall out of love with food this time of year. I crave nothing. I'm ho-hum about everything. It's weird. I'm doing a 7-day toxin cleanse after the holidays, maybe that'll bring some spunk back into my taste buds. No caffeine. No alcohol. No chemicals. Nothing unnatural. Should be interesting. Need to spend the couple of days I'm in Barnbonia visiting. Then back home on Boxing Day, where life should return to normal unless people visit me, which I'm hoping some will. No plans for New Year's Eve yet. I may bring it in on my own terms. I'm due, I think. We'll see if anything more interesting presents itself. And so ends this eve's ramble.

Mood: sleepy now
Drinking: california cabernet sauvignon
Listening To: harvest moon, neil young
Hair: messy

Butterflies

I'm having a butterflies kind of day/week/almost month. Fluttering in my gut. Yes, I am excited. Nervous. Crippled with anticipation. Heart racing in my chest. This is not a panic attack. At the same time swatting self-doubt. Shoo! Go away! I am cool. I am confident. I am a good person. I am intelligent. I am fun to be around. I am beautiful, inside and out. I will take slow calming deep breaths and repeat this mantra all day every day until Sunday. Then the adventure begins in earnest.

Mood: fidgety
Drinking: water
Listening To: 1979, smashing pumpkins
Hair: wrecked

O Xmas Tree

I posted pics on Facebook already, but here some of them are again for those who don't go there. It's hard to get a good pic of the tree it seems. It's much more lovely in person.






Mood: sore
Drinking: water, lots and lots of water
Listening To: guy downstairs wheezing and sneezing
Hair: we're not sure

Mania Settling In Again

Just in time for the weekend another bout of heart-racing lip-trembling doe-eyed insomnia-inducing mania. Yay! I need someone to say, "Catch your breath, babe." Unfortunately I live alone, it's snowing and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be snowed in, alone all evening. Plus, I'm not big on people calling me babe, though I call others babe all the time. A double standard, I know. So maybe I'll just keep running around like a nut, flitting from project to project, trying to keep my brain in my skull.

It's excitement. It's anticipation. It's happiness. It's the last week before Christmas.

That is all.

Mood: manic
Drinking: water
Listening To: on top, the killers
Hair: flat and messy

The Bootleg Saint

Sam Roberts is in studio working on a new album. Very cool!

I am having some wicked crazy ass dreams this week. Yeah, what else is new? Right? There are some people who show up in my subconsciousness way too much for my liking. I need more celebrity guest stars. The only one I've had lately was Barbara Streisand, which was not as cool as one might imagine it would be.

Yesterday I had lunch with a writer friend at the Rodd. The food was great, the conversation even better, like an infusion of creativity for my soul. In the evening I went to the writers' group meeting. Very small group, tis the season after all, but it was good. Got some submissions, read some crap. In the new year my old writing workshop is supposed to be starting up again. We're going to meet regularly every week or two with the common goal to each complete a new novel by spring/summer. I am so up for something like that. I desperately need to do something. I am beyond stagnant.

Mood: getting a headache
Drinking: nothing
Listening To: what is it about men, amy winehouse
Hair: all over the place

38 Years Old

Twelve men broke loose in '73
From millhaven maximum security
Twelve pictures lined up across the front page
seems the mounties had a summertime war to wage
The chief told the people they had nothing to fear
The last thing they'd wanna do is hang around here
They mostly came from towns with long French names
But one of the dozen was a hometown shame

Same pattern on the table, same clock on the wall
Been one seat empty 18 years in all
Freezing slow time away from the world
He's 38 years old, never kissed a girl
He's 38 years old, never kissed a girl

We were sitting round table, heard the telephone ring
Father said he'd tell em if he saw anything
Heard the tap on the window in the middle of the night
Held back the curtains for my older brother Mike

See my sister got raped, so a man got killed
Local boy went to prison, man's buried on the hill
Folks went back to normal when they closed the case
They still stare at their shoes when they pass our place

My mother cried "The horror has finally ceased"
He whispered "yeah, for the time being, at least"
Over his shoulder, on the squad car megaphone
Said "Let's go Michael, son, we're taking you home"

Same pattern on the table, same clock on the wall
Been one seat empty 18 years in all
Freezing slow time away from the world
He's 38 years old, never kissed a girl
He's 38 years old, never kissed a girl

Just sitting here listening to some Hip. I'm 38 years old. Never kissed a girl. Lots of frogs tho :-) Still waiting for the prince . . . aww, who am I kidding, kissed a few of them too.

Last night I purchased a tree and trimmings, then proceeded to stay up half the night assembling things into what is now one mighty fine piece of Christmas in my living room. I love my tree! It's my first one. Ever. Well I had one someplace else one year a long time ago, but it doesn't count because it wasn't really mine, I was just there is all. This one, this one is mine and mine alone. And it's fucking beautiful! I'm tempted to keep it til spring.

Kidding. Kinda.

I am having an unusual time of things lately. I'm not sure what's going on. Maybe it's just the time of year. Maybe it's hormonal. Maybe this permanent sinus headache has rotted my brain. Maybe I'm just stressed. Who the frig knows?! I just feel different. I'm going through a phase or something. I think it started when I chopped all my hair off. Or rather chopping all my hair off in the middle of the night was a symptom of the beginning of . . . whatever the hell this is. Or something like that. I am . . . restless.

Mood: compulsively running my fingers through my hair
Drinking: water
Listening To: fuck the pain away, peaches
Hair: mussed, and sporty according to the mighty boys . . . i don't think that means the same thing as it would on coronation street

As I Am

Yesterday afternoon we had a story session at O'Donaghue's. It was good, got some good ideas. Then we rushed back to the office to decorate the mighty van for the parade of lights. Stacy and I went in the parade on our own, everyone else went to a Christmas party at the Rodd. But that was okay. The parade was really quite lovely. Quite a few floats. Santa and the Missus were adorable in their horse drawn sleigh. I kept thinking the kids would love this, but it's kind of a crazy weekend for my kids. It was pretty chilly too, but there was a good crowd around.

After we traded vehicles in the Rodd parking lot and then went to Pizza Delight for supper. Garlic fingers, pizza, even cinnabons for dessert, couple of glasses of wine. Fabulous! But maybe it was too late for eating or maybe I was just feeling too mighty off the successful meeting and parade, but when I got home shortly after 10 I couldn't turn my brain off so I settled into the computer and worked on BnM until 2 in the morning. I had big plans for this morning, wanted to get up early and go to Zellers, buy a tree and all the trimmings, come home and put it all up. So at 2am I yawned once and said that's good, go to bed now. In bed I tossed and turned until 3:30 then I drifted off for exactly 20 minutes, just long enough to get into a nightmare, which I promptly shook off at 3:50. Wide awake until 4:40 and then I drifted again, right smack into another nightmare. Wide awake again at 5am, stayed that way until after 6, then drifted for another 20 minutes into another nightmare that had me wide awake until after 7:30. Sometime shortly before 8 I fell asleep for real, unsettling dreams but not scary enough to wake me up. Didn't kick until Sherry phoned going on noon. Morning plans ruined.

I'm a little stressed. I don't seem to have the Christmas stress going on, it's all work related, just having too much to do and not feeling a hundred per cent physically and mentally to be up to the challenge. No big deal really. I don't know if that was keeping me awake or if it was eating supper so late in the day or if maybe it was the fact I took sinus meds the night before and slept so soundly for 12 hours straight, no dreams, nothing. One super good night's rest equals another of crazy unrest. Perhaps. Whatever got into me, the day is not turning out like I had hoped so far. Think I'll shower and go downtown Newcastle this afternoon. Take care of some household errands. Then later this evening maybe if I pop down to Zellers it won't be a complete zoo. Maybe. I'm pursing my lips. Unconvinced. Nobody dislikes the mall during holiday shopping more than me :-(

Mood: a little unsettled, unwell, just un
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: an ode to no one, smashing pumpkins
Hair: sassy

I'm It

Tagged by Jenn, just as I was thinking to myself, "this one wouldn't be a good one for me to do . . ."

Eat, Drink & Be Merry

A meme for the holidays....

Four things you always find yourself drinking at Christmastime

1. wine
2. brandy
3. hot apple cider
4. hot chocolate


Four things you always eat around Christmastime

1. i don't really eat anything differently, not big on the turkey dinner and all that, not really big on all the sweets and candy, i'm one of those people who will lose weight over christmas, who finds it easy to stick to the diet over the holidays, i'm more of a beverage person


Four people you buy presents for every Christmas

1. stacy
2. the kids (they are more than 4, i didn't want to single any one of them out)
3. mom
4. dad


Four people you always receive a present from at Christmas

1. mom & dad
2. stacy
3. grammie
4. lee (usually)


Four presents you remember getting as a child

1. the barbie motor home
2. saturday night fever album
3. ghetto blaster
4. i remember nothing else. poodle was obviously a cherished one, but i don't recall the moment he arrived


Four places you always visit over the holidays

1. i don't really do that. i go to mom's for a couple of days and see what happens. usually i end up at jenn's for games and things, usually i go visit paulina and anna so they can show me their toys, but that's about it


Four people who always visit you over the holidays

1. nobody ever visits me over the holidays. maybe they will this year


Four Holiday Gatherings you usually attend

1. the mighty party
2. the tea house "staff" party
3. xmas eve at mom's house
4. can't think of any other gatherings


Four Holiday movies you watch every year

1. i don't really do this either, if I stumble onto Home for the Holidays or National Lampoon's I'll watch it cuz I love those two. I probably watch Love Actually on purpose. This year I hope to watch The Holiday. But who really knows

Four Christmas specials you still love to watch

1. Not big on Christmas specials, haven't really seen The Grinch or Charlie Brown or any of that stuff in years


Four great holiday memories

1. i can't think of any

Four not-so-great holiday memories

1. too many to list, couldn't possibly pick the top 4


Four things you love about Christmas

1. giving gifts
2. the tree, lights, decorations, music
3. Christmas Eve
4. christmas cheer i.e. playing games, food & drink


Four things you don't love about Christmas

1. shopping in crowded malls
2. being depressed


Four people you are tagging

noboby, i'll spare you

Mood: pretty happy til i did this thing
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: nothing
Hair: still short spiky uneven and amateurish

And That's A Wrap

Finally, the girl can breathe, just a smidgen. Finally, she can go put her feet up and let the swelling go down. Finally, she can take the sleepy sinus meds and slip away for many hours. Finally! I'm so relieved.

I finished the writing on Dec today. All the articles, all the tidbits. Can't do anything else til I see a first draft. Getting one soon. Stacy's dropping it off.

Late. I hate being late. And I'm always confused when I'm late, as to what happened, where did it all go wrong. Yes, this time I had some health stuff this past two weeks. Sinus. Arthritis. Bowel. You name it! It came to call in the past couple of weeks. But still . . . that's not enough. And the time that it went so easy and we were on time, early even, what about that time? What did I do differently? How did I handle that one?

These stories, man. Killers.

And that got me thinking about the process. I must not be acknowledging the time it really takes to go through the process. I must not be realistic about it. So then I'm going through it in my head.

First I get the story, generally somebody puts me onto it, often times they don't even know what it's all about because someone has told them about it. So then I have to sit and make a list of questions I need to ask the subject of the story in order to find out what the story is about. Sometimes I need to do research on the Internet in order to write intelligent questions. I need the questions first just in case when I call whoever it is they say they have a few minutes right now and then they're leaving the country for three months. In case I come up against a now or never situation, it's good to be prepared. But usually, it's not now, it's later. So I call and make an appointment. Then I call back or arrive in the person's place at the time of the appointment. I ask the questions I have written down. I ask questions I don't have written down. I take pages and pages of notes.

The next step is transcribing the notes. Depending on the story I may also need to do more research. This time for instance, I had quite a few stories that needed a lot of research because they're big topics I know nothing about. I'm talking 3-4 hours of online research per story. From the research I will cut and paste up to a dozen pages of pertinent notes into my existing interview notes document. So I end up with a 15-20 page document of random story things that I need to peel back to about a thousand words of coherent smooth flow. This is challenging. This doesn't happen on the same day I did the initial research.

Then I have to find the lead. The beginning is the most important part, it sets the tone for the whole thing. Oftentimes there are a few ways I could go and I need to find the one that does what I want to do in the best way. Finding the lead is hard. Sometimes no lead readily presents itself and then I'm pulling my hair out and freaking out. Finding the lead is a physically draining dilemma. I can find the lead on a couple of stories in the same day, but I can't do anything else with that story on the day I find the lead, because I have mush brain on that story. So what I always do is find the leads on all my stories first. Then I go back and finish them one by one.

When I get to this last stage I generally know the information so well and understand where I'm going so the writing goes very quickly, it's not even like writing at this stage, it's more like putting the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle together. This is the quote that follows the lead, this sentence segues into the next quote, this topic followed by that topic, there's the ending, delete the flabby unused portion and voila! There's the story. I can knock off a few of these puppies in a day, once they get to this stage. And there I have it, my lateness clarified. Now I know. Seven days to comfortably get a feature story done. Four features this issue equals 28 days or 5 and a half weeks, plus all the regular articles I write (editor's note, movie review, wellness article, sammyscope), plus all the editing and blurbs writing, plus all the admin, coordination and correspondence with the contributors, plus the online issues that were coming out every two weeks until I decided I didn't have time to do the online issue two weeks ago. And then I get sick! Suddenly it all makes sense. Why do I repeatedly set myself up to fail?

And then that part of my brain that truly believes I am Wonder Woman kicks in and says, but wait, you don't need all those days. You don't need all those steps and gel time. And outside the heat of the writing, in the quiet time when the stories have been laid to rest, I hear that voice and I think, that's right! I can take a story from interview to finished in one day! I can totally do that! And the next story I write, I even try to do that. I try to lump steps together, and I get so tired, and I get so stressed, and I don't get any further ahead, and I have to admit I can't do it. But by then, it's too late, because I've already committed to write all these stories. So there you go.

I'm an idiot.

Mood: wound up
Drinking: not yet
Listening To: nothing
Hair: neglected

This is the Sound

I am loving the Foo Fighters. Big time. It's like I put on the iTunes random shuffle and I go off to do dishes or whatever and then I'll hear this song I don't recognize but totally love so I look to see who it is and it's Foo Fighters, every freaking time! I just got a bunch of their stuff the other day.

Today I want to decorate for Christmas. I never wanted to decorate in Sackville. I never even wanted to hang pictures. I only did it (and after I'd already been there a year) because other people seemed to think it was odd to have bare walls. But here I'm all about the Christmas! I want lights! And a tree!

I peppered a steak with numerous spices and put it in the over to slow-cook for supper. The smell!! Oh my God! It's fabulous. It begs for some pasta and marinara, a nice glass of wine. I have the pasta part anyway. Maybe I can make something happen.

Mood: pretty good
Drinking: water
Listening To: i don't feel like dancing (remix), scissor sisters
Hair: still short 'n sassy

Knowing Me, Knowing You

Went to dinner theatre at the Rodd last night for the Mighty Christmas party. Had a great time! It was frigging hilarious because we were front and centre so many at our table had interaction with the actors, who stay in character throughout the evening. One of the night's highlights happened when our fearless leader, Terry, took the microphone from the pregnant lady and ran around our table leading the mighty crew in a rousing rendition of Rudolph so we could get permission to go to the buffet table. The buffet, by the way, was really good. Rolls with butter, tossed salad, pasta salad, potato salad, coleslaw, whipped mashed potatoes, rice, whipped turnips/squash, roast beef, roast turkey, gravy, and a cranberry chutney or spicy sauce (really yummy!) Dessert was assorted cakes and coffee. The slab I had was marble with an amazing icing. I'm not usually big on the icing thing, but this was damn good! Throw in a couple glasses of wine and you have good times. I didn't want to go, too much work to do, not feeling it, but now I'm glad I went.

Mood: druggy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: the more i see you, michael buble
Hair: all over the place in a playful bedhead look

The River is Wild

My mighty river is freezing in. Yesterday I thought I saw ice near the shore in Chatham Head, but I couldn't be certain. Today there is no doubt. Ice floes throughout. Have the ducks all gone where they're going yet? This week every morning there have been hundreds boogeying up past my place. But now there's ice. I wonder if I'll start seeing the eagles again soon. I haven't seen them since the ice went out. I've been thinking they'll come back when it returns.

Had bacon, eggs, toast and coffee for breakfast. Woke at 8:20 after only 3 hours sleep. Went to the bathroom but then went back to bed and slept til nearly 10. I needed it. I've been burning the candle at both ends all week. And today I only have 2 non-drowsy sinus caps to take, so I can't rely on drugs to push me through. Plus I'm going out this evening with the mighty crew, don't want to be dead knackered. So I woke up all stuffed up from lack of meds. I need to somehow make my way to Douglastown this week for a neti pot.

I need to rededicate myself to wellness. I need to do that asap! Because I've let it go by the wayside and I'm unwell.

Mood: rough around the edges
Drinking: coffee, italian roast, black
Listening To: fistful of throttle, nathan wiley
Hair: it's growing on me

The Razor's Edge

Have I mentioned that I took it upon myself to do away with almost a whole head of hair? Yeah. Chopped it off. Razored throughout. Who knows why I do these things? I've never gone this far before. When I turn 40 I'm going to have a mid-life crises and dye it blue/black. I suppose the hair doesn't really matter. Yeah, it's pretty effed up, all different lengths. But I think all it needs is the right attitude to carry it off. If I hold my head high, smile with confidence, as if I think my hair looks fabulous, maybe nobody else will notice. Maybe.

I am so frigging sleepy. Got just under 4 hours sleep last night. Moon dreams. Nightmares. Not the truly scary kind where I wake up screaming or crying or both, but the kind where I come to in a rush of breath and immediately realize I'm ok. Those ones aren't too bad. Got caught up on some housework today. Lord knows it was needed! When I get behind, I get WAY behind. Feeling better now.

Just made a pot of coffee. I am giving myself four hours to complete a certain amount of work and then I can go to bed and watch one of the dvds Stace dropped off earlier. Tomorrow is Sunday! So I'm probably looking at a 7:30 morning, even though I've already seen all of this week's Corrie. Oh well, give me lots of time to frig with my hair before the mighty rodd outing.

Mood: medicated
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: calm like a bomb, rage against the machine
Hair: razored, strawberry blonde

Git 'er Done!

I stayed up pretty late last night, until about 3:30 or so. I took my last dose of sinus meds around 5:30 but still it didn't seem to help as far as sleepy went. I had lots of work to do anyway. I watched An Evening with Kevin Smith while I ate a frog and did some transcribing of stories that came in handwritten on looseleaf. Fabulous! Don't even ask me how I've come this far and not seen any of these films. There were quite a few stories I had already heard on Smodcast, which was a bit of a surprise, but lots of giggles regardless. I'm going to watch the newer one from last year sometime this weekend.

The Mighty crew is going to the Christmas Dinner Theatre at the Rodd on Sunday night. It's out annual staff Xmas gathering. It should be fun. I haven't been in a few years. The last time we went there was just me, Stacy and Terry. Times have changed! We'll fill a table now. I think me and Stacy are going to sneak our way into a Christmas party at the Tea House! LOL No seriously, we've been talking about it. The Tea House is all decked out and looking mighty cozy and Christmas-like, I can't think of a better place to get in the spirit. I'm kinda actually getting in the spirit on my own. The other night when me, Stace, and Les were shopping at Jean Coutu they were playing carols over the speakers. Whenever I'm in Jean Coutu I'm reminded of Sackville and I get a little nostalgic. I miss it a lot sometimes. The quaintness, the compactness. Miramichi is much bigger. I need to go downtown and shop around the square, see if I can find some quaintness there. Decorations in the park and such must come soon. Santa Claus parades must happen soonish.

Oh well, enough rambling about stuff. The meds seem to have kicked in so I'm off for another productive day.

Mood: chipper
Drinking: coffee, water
Listening To: 1973, james blunt
Hair: sliced and diced. literally. i totally chopped off my ponytail and then took the razor to my head. seriously. i went from three inches below my shoulders to just below my ears. all by myself!! it's the drugs man, it's gotta be the drugs

Merry Happy

Oh boy, how could I have forgotten how lovely non-drowsy sinus meds are?! I've been in agony for weeks, months even, and all I needed to do was go buy some drugs. Sheesh! I had not intended to buy a non-drowsy formula. Because my goal was to get some sinus relief, not get that little amphetamine-like energetic loss of appetite buzz that I am highly susceptible to addiction. Sometimes I miss bennies. There. I've said it. I mean 10,000 steps happened daily back in those days, I'll tell ya! Should've had a pedometer strapped on, just for fun. I can't even imagine how many miles I put on regularly. The queen of the 10 minute walk. Ten minutes from Mom's to M's. Ten minutes from the club to R's. Or maybe that was 15, but even then, DAMN! That's far! Walking from back the clubhouse in Cains River to Mom's, in cowboy boots. On my feet 24/7 behind the bar, in heeled granny boots. Yeah, sometimes I miss that. Sometimes. And how many steps would that walk from the Anglican Church in the Rapids to home have been?! That's far! You know, I still love walking, still love being on my feet. Just can't convince my brain that I should make more time for that. Getting there.

I also bought a mild laxative last night. Been having some issues. But I was thinking the mixture, speed, laxative, you'd think I was trying to quickly shed some pounds. I'm not. But hey, now I have the tools I need for a quick 10 drop in a most unhealthy manner. Or I could just stop eating fried chicken and potato chips. That's a thought.

Mood: buzzing
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: at the 100th meridian, tragically hip
Hair: currently, it's kinda like i gave myself a mullet . . . i'm gonna try again, chop more off, i may be in need of emergency hair care from a professional very soon

BodySnatchers & Stuff

Speaking of remakes of movies . . . What if a filmmaker decided to remake you? Your life? Would you be cool with that? And while they were the new improved you, who would you be? . . . Speaking of remaking . . . Would you rather be body snatched or kill yourself? This is what Kevin and Scott are talking about on Smodcast right now. I am laughing my ass off. Laughter is good.

If Kevin Smith wants to remake my life. I'm in! That would be freaking hilarious.

I feel slightly better today. Human again, almost. Time to get back to work.

Mood: giggly
Drinking: coffee (instant! I KNOW!!)
Listening To: smodcast 37: In a Row??
Hair: in a daring move, I chopped off a bunch of my hair, ALL BY MYSELF!!

Going to California

Zeppelin reminds me of Cameron Crowe . . . Jack Black . . . and . . . Kevin.

I want a cigarette.

I want cc and coke.

I want to lie on a dirty floor with my eyes closed and feel the bass vibrating off my spine.

I don't feel very well today.

Mood: unwell
Drinking: water
Listening To: led zeppelin
Hair: i'm frigging cutting it, right now!

A Day

I'm skipping Mighty Monday because I'm sick. Been feeling a little off since last week. But really started to get bad on Saturday, worse yesterday, still lingers today. Sore throat, major headache and sinus clogging, achy all over. Blah! Oh well. It seems that some (or one) of my past blog posts were read aloud to diners at Mel's on Friday night during a roving of poets at Sackville's annual midnight madness. Fabulous! Wish I could have been. The BnM party on Saturday went very well. I think everyone had a good time. I know I did, despite nearly losing my voice during my reading. The company was wonderful, the food fabulous, great wine! All good stuff. I no longer have to go to Fredericton for a couple of days this week, which is really good, because I need to get some work done. I need to get my head on straight.

Mood: dazed
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: general household appliance hums
Hair: dammit! i'm cutting it!

Ow Wow

So my below zero feeling normal look ma no aches bit didn't last long. Temperatures in the teens! The frigging teens! You don't even want to know how bad this messes me up. My toes on my right foot . . . god love me :-(

It's the not the pain so much. Pain I can handle. But handling it, feeling it, living with it 24/7 for days on end is just so frigging exhausting. It's hard to wake up. Hard to stay focused. Much harder to get things done.

Mood: most of my body feels like it's on its fire (and not in a good warm nice way)
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: email plunk into my inbox
Hair: blah

Snowy Walk

It snowed. White stuff on the ground. Just a layer, but still. Winter. Finally. Last night I went for a walk after I got home from work. I walked down the Old King George Hwy almost to French Fort Cove (to the last house, I worry about bears closer to the cove). I love when the temperature goes below zero. It's difficult to describe how it feels, but last night racing along the pavement my legs felt fantastic, like I could walk forever, like a perfectly oiled machine. No pain, but even more than an absence of pain, like an injection of . . . youth? Joints swinging, no catching. No shin splints, no muscles pulling double duty. Pure perfection. Is this the way walking feels to other people all the time? And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I love winter! It's the only time of the year when I get to be completely normal.

When I walk the Old hwy I plug in both ear buds and get lost in my head with the music. Normally there aren't many or even any people around, I only cross two streets, sidewalk all the way, so I feel okay not necessarily having a grip on all the sounds around me. When I walk around the neighborhood, or on the hwy, downtown, etc. I leave one ear open so I don't accidentally step out in front of a car or people passing on the street don't sneak up on me and so on.

Anyway, last night just as I was getting back, passing the Co-op, I thought I could hear the train, and it seemed like it was too early for the train, so I was wondering if it was just trucks or if it was later than I thought (wanted to get home in time to watch Corrie) Lost deep in thought, slowing down on the sidewalk to see if I could see anything, Michael Buble crooning in my ears, and this young guy in a long coat, hood up, hands thrust into pocket, steps around me on the inside. Scared the freaking crap out of me! I screamed. I may even have pushed him. Which scared the freaking crap out of him! So he screamed. And then I saw it was just a geeky kid, probably going to the store or someplace, maybe one of the FatKat boys. So I apologized. And he hightailed it down the road and I barely made it home from doubling over, laughing so hard. It was freaking hilarious. Poor guy. I feel bad for him. I bet he thinks twice about passing anyone on the street again.

Mood: giggling
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: eyes of a stranger, queensryche
Hair: a constant puzzlement

Wicked Come Winter

The wind here is insane this morning! Wicked!

I had a perfect day yesterday. I put my house in order. I got a lot of work/work done. Sunday is my favourite day of the week. Seriously. I frigging love it! I wake up at 7:30 no matter how late I've stayed up Saturday night. My body is in tune with Coronation Street. But this week I had watched Corrie every evening at 7 so there was no need to flick on the tube at 7:30 as usual. Instead I lazed until 8 and then got up, made coffee, and jumped into some long overdue housework. I vacuumed. I scrubbed. I did laundry and dishes. I took out the trash. I dusted. I made a blt! I took time to watch a couple of episodes of The Closer. I worked on bnm until after midnight. Then went to bed and read until after 1. It just felt like the most wonderful productive day ever! I love those days. I loved yesterday.

And the best part of yesterday--no Sunday Night Anxiety! I was way too tired from having done everything. Plus today is a holiday so there was no Monday morning meeting to interfere with my productivity and throw me out of sorts. I get to continue in the manner I've started the week. Yay!

Today is also going to be an amazing day.

Mood: productive & focused
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: milord, edith piaf
Hair: i try not to think about it

Seven on Sunday

Another meme. Just because. This is one that you're supposed to do every Sunday. Same questions every week. It's to help you pause and reflect on the important stuff. Had I known I was going to do this today maybe I would have went out more, or paid better attention. Anyway, here goes.

Seven things you're grateful for:
1. my fantastic family
2. my wonderful workplace
3. my natural knack for words
4. my harmonious health
5. my amazing apartment
6. my fabulous friends
7. life so far

Seven meaningful events from the past week:
1. mighty monday is always meaningful
2. immediately recognizing my phobias as being nothing but when they kicked in full-force this week
3. having the ability to talk sense to myself to push past the phobias despite major discomfort
4. having the ability to hang onto my positive attitude in the face of many little challenges that would normally rattle my cage big time
Hmm, it would seem that it's difficult to have meaningful events when you stay in all week feeling a bit sickly and anti-social. Maybe more will come to me later.

Seven upcoming events on your horizon:
1. a third and possibly fourth date this week
2. a mighty tuesday complete with cake and smoothies
3. publishing bnm online on wednesday
4. a bnm gathering of staff and contributors on saturday
5. interviewing an interesting young miramichier this week
6. finishing the print editorial for december this week
7. possibly an overnight to freddy middle of next week

Seven things that made you happy last week:
1. coronation street
2. red wine
3. kevin smith
4. dutch cookies
5. J/A/S/O/N/
6. sweet chili sauce
7. phone calls that made me smile

Seven steps of progress you made toward a goal:
1. i went through submissions and planned the next 3 online issues of bnm
2. i emailed contributors new deadline info
3. i outlined the dec print page line-up
4. i edited many stories for the dec print edition
5. i wrote stories for the dec print edition
6. i set up final interviews for the dec print edition
7. i made contacts and laid groundwork for feb print edition

Seven acts of kindness this week you observed:
gosh! it's hard to see kindness when you never leave the house! and this week i REALLY stayed inside.
1. jen went out of her way to take me on an errand run

Seven acts of kindness you performed:
1. i printed out stuff for sher and left it on my door for her to pick-up
2. i remembered to give gas money!
3. i accepted people's submissions, edited and gave critical feedback
4. i agreed to proof a book
5. i made time in my deadline raged schedule to spend with a friend
6. i said hello to guy on bicycle even tho he was pissing me off (lol, i know, i'm grasping at straws here)
okay, so i need to get out more, do more kind things.

Mood: reflective
Drinking: coffee, a new kind, not sure i'm loving it
Listening To: say it right, nelly furtado
Hair: ponied for housework

BBS

I have to do something about my hair. Cut it. Dye it a darker colour. I don't know. Something. Honest to God I can't go anywhere anymore! And it's driving me crazy.

I've been here since February. I've been out and about, walking for exercise, walking for errands, walking, walking, walking . . . but only in the past few weeks has anyone noticed. Every time I go out there are cars slowing, strangers tooting, men leering and whistling and calling out, "Hey lady!" I thought it was the hat. Then when it happened when I wasn't wearing the hat, I thought maybe it was the black pants, the jean jacket, the leather backpack even. So I left all that stuff at home. And still the boy nearly falls off his bicycle in his zealous waving to get my attention. It's the effing hair. Got to be. That's all I got left.

The hair is long now. And thick. And blonde. And all spring, summer, early fall, it's been up in a pony tail and I've been invisible, but now it's loose and flowing and suddenly everybody and their dog is looking and pointing and wondering who the hell I am and will I have sex for money or just for kicks. This place has a bad case of Big Blonde Syndrome (BBS). PEOPLE! Please! Get a freaking grip!

It just annoys the crap out of me. Okay, yes, I admit, the first day it was kinda fun. And yeah, even the second day brought a little grin to my chapped lips. But having to race home with my heart pounding in my chest, terrified I've been followed by some lunatic manchild who may or may not be right the hell out of 'er on lord knows what, not so much fun! And everything after, just perplexes me. I mean it's not like I'm the skinny young chick with the bare midriff and the platinum blonde hair anymore. I'm out doing grocery shopping, eyes red and puffy with sinus infection, no make-up, bundled up in my big winter coat! I'm a black blob carrying WAY too many bags!

So why do people always follow ME home?! Like seriously. I don't get it.

Ever since I was a kid . . . crazy street kid chasing me into the subway yelling "hey blondie!" Crazy Jamaican dude waiting for me at the bus stop every day for a week. Crazy boy with a 2-4 on his bicycle handlebars. Crazy man chasing me through the field from Sobey's in Moncton. Everybody else lived there for freaking years, I'm there a few months, laying REAL low, I mean soooo low, yet I'm the one getting chased through the field. Crazy, crazy, crazy, everywhere I turn.

But you know, I'm older now. And . . . blobbier. I thought I'd put the crazies behind me. But nooooo, apparently they were only on vacation.

Mood: dripping in sarcasm
Drinking: cold coffee, water
Listening To: annie's song, john denver
Hair: UP!!

Whatever Gets You Through the Day

Haven't been myself this week. I need to go outside. I'm too much inside my head . . . again! So I'm heading downtown this afternoon for some shopping. I want bacon. In particular I want a BLT sandwich. Yeah. I think I need to take care of that little craving.

It was very cold here last night. I kept the thermostat at 21-22 in my bedroom and closed the door to keep the heat in, so it was okay in there, but now my head is plugged solid from the electric heat. Crazy sinuses. I should go to PharmaSave and see if they have any netipots. OR I can just buy something spicy to eat. Some of that sweet pepper sauce I love with crispy chicken. Or something jerked. That'll clear things up, bust my sinuses loose.

The front rooms are very cold. They get that way when there's no sun. The sun makes a huge difference here. Anyway . . .

In keeping with yesterday's meme trend. Here's an offensive six for Saturday.

1. Which of the following two would you find more offensive if you saw it out in the open in a family restaurant: two men holding hands or a woman breast-feeding a child? Why?

Neither of these things would offend me in the slightest.

2. Which of the following would you find more offensive if you heard someone say it: a blond joke or a racial joke? Why?

Definitely a racial joke. The dumb blonde doesn't really exist. I mean, yeah, there are dumb blondes, but there are dumb brunettes and red heads too. The whole dumb blonde thing was created in the media by blondes themselves. But a racial joke is a whole other thing entirely.

3. Which of these would you generally consider more offensive: An atheist who badmouths Christians, or a Christian who badmouths atheists? Why?

It's equally offensive. I'm offended by people badmouthing others in general. It's okay to have different views. It's okay to debate those different views. But calling someone down just because they have a different view is not okay. And it's not even that I'm offended so much by these people, I just don't want to be around them.

4. Which of the following ideas about a presidential hopeful would you find more offensive: that a woman shouldn’t run for president because a woman doesn’t belong in the White House, or that a black man shouldn’t run for president because a black man doesn’t belong in the White House? Why?

Again, how could a person even choose the most offensive thing here, they're both atrocious.

5. Which of the following political terms or movements would you find the most offensive: “Pro-Life” or “Defense of Marriage”? Why?

I'm not sure what Defense of Marriage is exactly, but I'm thinking it's probably an anti-gay movement. And if so, I think I'd be more offended by them. I'm not comfortable with any ultra-conservative movements. And I do think that some sects of pro-life can be too radical, but I also think the abortion issue is a very grey area. It's not so easy to come down solidly on one side or another because there are so many things to consider. When is the fetus an actual kid? What are the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy? But the whole gay marriage thing is totally black/white to me. Gay couples should have exactly the same rights as hetero couples. Period.

6. Which of the following forms of protest are you likely to find most offensive: an animal rights group’s members shedding clothes to encourage people not to buy fur, or a war protest group’s members burning the American flag to criticize war policy? Why?

Neither offends me. Get naked! Burn those flags! Throwing acid on people, burning books, those things offend me.

Mood: full of wonder
Drinking: nothing
Listening To: beautiful day, u2
Hair: i keep looking at in the mirror, studying the possibilities . . . soon

OMG! I Love it!

New Foo Fighters video! Hilarious! Love it!

Friday Fifteen Fun

I haven't been feeling very well this week. Kinda sickly. Starting to come around some maybe today. At least I'm starting to feel like Crispy Chicken and Sweet Pepper Sauce! LOL

Been awhile since I did a meme, so I thought I'd post one. Maybe you'll be inspired to post your own results on your blog . . . especially those of you who haven't blogged in a really LONG time . . . you know who you are. Nuff said. Onward.

The topic is: 15 Cancelled TV Shows That I Miss (in no particular order)

1. What About Brian
2. Freaks and Geeks
3. Out of Practice
4. Everwood
5. Felicity
6. The Mole
7. Push, Nevada
8. Vanished
9. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
10. Roswell
11. Arrested Development
12. Firefly
13. Third Watch
14. On-Air with Ryan Seacrest
15. American Dreams

Wow! That's a hard list to make. At first I thought I would never think of 15 but then once I got rolling I remembered way more and had a hard time to narrow it down.

Mood: playful
Drinking: cold coffee
Listening To: in the sun, coldplay
Hair: i dunno about my hair anymore

One of the Worst Ones

Celebrity guest star in last night's dream, none other than Rosie O'Donnell herself. Details are fuzzy. We were working together, on a new show, I can only assume to be the rumored MSNBC show I read about yesterday. She's doing talky blogs while in hair and make-up. It's a dream montage of the first day. Cut to sunset on a white sand beach, warm breeze off the water. I'm tiptoeing through the sand in my gold strappy sandals, pencil leg black pants (I am no longer a fatty! back to my right size!) and there she is with shiny black hair much wispier than I imagined. She's in full make-up, red red lips, really pretty. Her blouse is a blue/grey plaid-like print with silver threads that sparkle in the setting sun. She passes me a flute of champagne and lifts her own in a toast, "Well, we had a good run, Kid." We drink. I wake. This morning I learn talks have broke off with the network and her show is kaput.

This week I've been doing something a bit different. I've been turning off the computer in the evening, going to the bedroom, watching the 6pm CBC NB news, then Corrie, then reading. No computer all evening. No computer work (though the reading has sometimes been work related). I didn't even turn the computer on at all on Monday when I got home from Mighty day. Sometimes you just need to disconnect, disentangle, to get some perspective, to recharge creativity cells. There are only so many ways to say this person is doing great stuff.

Mood: achy
Drinking: coffee, nowhere even near the good stuff
Listening To: nathan wiley! needle in the groove
Hair: i'm gonna cut it! dammit! today! on my own!

Here We Go Again

And though time goes by I will always be in a club with you in 1973 . . . it's more like 1988 or 1993 or 1997 in my case, but I get the sentiment. James Blunt gets me with this song, makes me melancholy. It's unusual for me to get so sentimental. But seriously I tear up every time I hear 1973. It takes me different places with different people. People who are no longer part of my life, who I will likely never see again, and who I'll certainly never be close to again. And yeah, there are lots of people who I'm ecstatic to never have another conversation with for as long as I live, and there are many moments with many people that I'd just as soon forget . . . but there were some good times too. Some really great times.

When I was younger I didn't appreciate these moments. In the way of most young people I just thought things would go on forever. Moments came and went and I didn't savour them, I didn't pause to enjoy being in them, they were just blips on my way to somewhere else. Always moving. Ok, that was great, but what's next? I never once thought this might be the last time I see this person or this might be the last kiss or this might be the last time we make love. If I knew it was the last, surely I would've cared more. I would have committed the moment to memory in greater detail. Wouldn't have I?

Live and learn.

I'm so in the moment now, it's difficult to plan ahead. I'm just so conscious. I have been. Years now. When things are happening, I know all I have is right now. I close my eyes and let the feelings wash over me. The way his arm brushes mine as we stand close. The cool breeze on my face, bringing the fresh scent of the season. The way my hair falls into my eyes. That nervous giggle. The way the light shimmers on our hair. The way the music makes me sway just a little. In a second my mind imprints everything to memory and I grin. No matter what happens tomorrow or next week or even in the next five minutes, this moment is perfect and I'm happy and I'll never forget.

These aren't the moments I get melancholy and sentimental about. I only get sad about the ones that passed without me being fully in them. Some people say you should take pictures so you'll never forget. Yes, pictures are nice too. But I have those and they don't help. Even in the photos I'm not fully present. My strongest memories, the ones that bring a smile to my lips, that can take me back and allow me to once again feel the joy and happiness of that time, are the ones where I consciously looked around and said to myself, "This is my happiness and I will treasure it always." There are no photos to remind me, no videotapes or sound recordings. Just me, being there and understanding the significance.

So many times I have put off doing things, or decided to wait for better timing. Nearly always these things end up being my regrets. I don't have many regrets, I tend to be of the school of thought that everything that has happened has shaped me to the person I am today and without those experiences I might be someone else I don't like nearly as well. I have never regretted any of the things I've done, no matter how terrible, traumatic or stupid those decisions might have been. My only regrets are things I didn't do. I look back and think if only I'd known that was my only opportunity or that I'd never see that person again, I would have gone for it. I would have squashed any of my fears that held me back and I just would have went for it. So I try to do better. I don't like having regrets. I try to stay in the moment. Yes, I get off-track sometimes. It's always easier to allow your fear to win. It's never easy to feel very afraid and vulnerable but push on anyway. It's hard! But that's when the good stuff happens.

Sometimes I need to remind myself of this.

Mood: philosophical
Drinking: coffee (i'm too lazy to grind the good stuff . . .)
Listening To: the city destroyed me, nathan wiley
Hair: damp, long and loose

Don't Stop Believin'

Sometimes I feel like taking the midnight train to anywhere . . . but not today! It's too damn cold! I think. My apartment is kinda chilly. I think I need to crank up the oven, cook a roast or something. I'm distracted by Journey in the background. Street lights, people . . . ok, not much time, need to focus. I'm a little fuzzy around the edges (ok, A LOT!)

Low tide this morning brought a lot of crap out from high waters upriver. A lot of trees, some other things like plastic barrels and other garbage. There was even a fishing boat out there, which is rare these days as all the docks have been pulled back, everybody's ready for winter. Anyway, I took some pictures before it got too bad.

Here you can see some crap on the water, but it got way worse about 10 minutes later right at the height of low tide.


This is the view outside my front picture window. Kinda cool, huh? I like it, it's a constant source of inspiration for me. Just makes me happy and grounded, you know.


So here you can see some more junk coming down on the tide, there's some sort of plastic barrel and some branches and things.

The view looking toward Chatham, you can see the outline of the Centennial Bridge in the distance. It was a kind of blue/grey misty morning. Another storm coming, not as bad as Noel.

This is my living/dining room. The whole front wall is pretty much two big windows. I work in a corner by the littlest window. I like eating in front of the big window. At night the lights on the water are lovely.

Mood: a little weird
Drinking: coffee (INSTANT!! shh, don't tell anyone, don't want to ruin my "coffee snob" rep)
Listening To: how to save a life, the fray
Hair: ponied for life

Back in Black

Stomach is a bit flippy today. Getting ready for an interview this afternoon. Not wanting to do the work, not feeling like research, like asking questions. Just want to laze and listen to music, maybe see if I can find the latest Friday Night Lights. The girls visit went well. No incidents, minor or major. I didn't sleep very well, but that's okay. We had a good time. Lots of surprises. J&J and kids arriving shortly for brief drop-in. Just before my interview. Should be reading all the pdfs on her website instead of blogging . . . but I'm tired and sometimes it's just as well not to go in knowing too much.

Yesterday was a good day. D picked me up around 3pm, late after getting lost en route from an excursion down the baie. I wasn't too concerned, running late myself, since the kids stayed longer than I had anticipated. His punishment was not so harsh, just a brief shopping excursion into Zellers to get Nick a dog bed. Mission accomplished, we went and got a coffee at Tim's then sat in the parking lot and talked for about an hour and a half. Mostly I listened. I'm kind of like an interrogator. By times. Oh well, he doesn't seem to mind. The interest of full disclosure seems topmost.

Conversation continued over dinner at Boston Pizza. My choice. It's close to the movie theatre. The rain started while we were eating. It wasn't so bad when we left the restaurant, much worse hours later when we left the movies. We saw American Gangster with Russell Crowe and Denzel Washington. It was good. Not great. But good. Not as violent as I had imagined. Still, enough to make me jumpy. After the movie the streets were flooding with so much water, the rain was coming down in sheets and waves. We sat in my apartment parking lot for another hour or two, and then I made the boy go home in the storm. He called to let me know he made it okay, though it was a stressful long slow drive. He called again this morning. Just to say good morning and wish me luck with my work today. I'm not used to all this attention. But it's nice.

And now I must go get my head in the game. Get ready to depart for interview.

Mood: content
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: photograph, def leppard
Hair: soon to be wet

Oh What a Life

My list just keeps getting bigger and bigger. And I cross off more and more every day. And it just gets bigger again. So much to do. So precious little time. I'm played out. Doing interviews, editing, doing websites, publishing, doing admin . . . there is absolutely no time for health or housework. None. I mean ZERO! No time to go for a walk. No time to cook breakfast, lunch or dinner. No time to sweep, take the garbage out, do dishes, clean the bathroom . . . Though I did manage to get some laundry done and to actually get myself showered. I just need to not even turn the computer on tomorrow morning. Just focus on the basics. Kids are arriving after 2pm for a sleepover. I like to spend time with them. I don't mind them coming. It'll be fun. But right now, I'm soooo not ready. Then I may have a date Saturday night. (Yes! Another one so soon!) It was supposed to be Sunday, but I've got to work on Sunday, have an interview with someone who can only meet me then. So really, all I got is tomorrow morning to get my shit together for a busy weekend. Then right into Mighty Monday, which is always hectic and next week is my deadline. Yeah, I'm taking tomorrow off to get my household ducks in a row. I need to.

In last night's dream I was a cop, like a detective. I think with CSIS. I was investigating a terrorist cell and having an affair with my very adorable partner. Kinda Saving Grace of me. We were in Montreal. I could speak French! And a bunch of other languages too. There was a guy, in robes, long hair, a holy man like a modern day Jesus (hah! Jesus of Montreal!) and his following was almost cult-like. They had a bunch of warehouses that we had warrants to search. But when we got there, they were empty. Just this Jesus-like guy sitting on the floor, meditating, in the middle of this huge empty warehouse. It was weird.

These are my dreams. All the time. I don't always tell you. But I always have them. My mother thinks we're genetically flawed in some way . . . or cursed.

Mood: tired
Drinking: water
Listening To: come together, the beatles
Hair: in the royal blue head band

We Got It Going On

Did you know that Hedley will be opening for Bon Jovi when they do their Canada tour starting next month? Yeah. I knew. Can't go. Well . . . could go, but it would be highly irresponsible of me, lol. I haven't been doing hardly any travelling this year. Really. I mean I may have been to Fredericton once or twice, the same with Moncton. This could have drastic repercussions on the old income tax thing :-( No business trips. No workshops. Well, very few workshops. I might be going to Fredericton next month for a trade show. Details are sketchy on that one. I'm not sure it's a BnM thing.

More strange dreams last night. Arguing with Stace about work stuff. I can't remember the details. But it was like we were in this big long disagreement as we were walking to a meeting or something. We were in a big building, walking through empty halls, passing many glassed in rooms. I had my notebook with me, so it felt like we were going to an interview. All I remember about the discussion itself was her saying, "Are you sure you want to do that?" It was about work stuff but when we got to where we were going it wasn't a work related thing. Her hubby was there and another guy and it was like a set-up blind date thingy. Except the guy and I knew one another. It was her sisters' boyfriend . . . and she was all like, "Oh, just give him a chance, hang out, see if you like him." So we hung out. And had a laugh. And it was actually kinda fun. And then it dawned on me, "Ummm, how's Janice feel about all this?" I asked Stacy and she just shrugged and said, "Oh a change would be good for her, don't you think? I've got someone in mind for her too." And then I looked through the window into the adjoining room and there was Janice . . . with my brother-in-law! LMAO Crazy dreams. Comic relief, that one.

Mood: chipper
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: two guys (for every girl), peaches featuring beth ditto
Hair: limp

Sluggish

Really tired today. Sluggish. Wiped out from last night's dreams. Arthritis weighing in too, damn weather. Kinda achy.

I dreamed I went to TO. I went to find my ex, it was like his sister had called me because she was worried about him. So I went. He wasn't living in the same place. He was up north, on a farm, like a compound. People everywhere strung out on drugs. Young girls travelling around mostly naked right out of it. Lots of armed men. Like a gang or something. I don't know how I even got into the house. I found him upstairs in a king-sized bed. There were a half dozen other people in the bed. Everyone stoned.

When he saw me he came to life, smiled, got up and came to me, gave me a hug. He smelled like a dirty ashtray. He seemed so helpless. Like a little boy. I took him into the bathroom and put him into a bath. All he could do was look at me and smile sadly. Touch my face like he thought I might disappear. Like I was a vision or a dream. I got him cleaned up and dressed in his cleanest dirty clothes. Then I took his hand and led him downstairs and outside.

We sat on the step in the autumn chill, the grass was dead, the trees bare, it was like late November when the world goes dull grey, before the snow sticks. We just sat there, holding hands, not saying anything. Then I asked him if he would come back to the city with me. When he turned to look at me his eyes were glossed with tears. His voice was hoarse when he spoke, like someone who hadn't spoke for a long time. He told me that even if he wanted to leave he'd taken the vow and he would be killed if he tried to leave. We sat there again for a long while and he squeezed my hand rhythmically, like a pulse.

You could see our breath in the air as the afternoon turned into evening. I didn't want to leave him there. He seemed so lost and alone. A convoy of 4x4 trucks spun into the drive and a bunch of young guys in mirrored sunglasses, ripped jeans, black t-shirts, leather vests, and scuffed boots leaped to the ground holding long guns. In seconds I had a bunch of rifles trained on me. Who is this? they demanded. He grinned and stood, introduced me as an old friend he had invited to visit. Apologized if he'd broken the rules. Swore to the men that I would be no trouble. To my surprise they believed him, lowered their guns and we all went inside.

That night we slept on the floor huddled together for warmth in an old sleeping bag. There were people sleeping all around us. Surrounded by snoring. In the dark he whispered that he would come with me. That we'd leave. It would be okay. Anyone who came to this place was not allowed to leave, and that included me. If I had tried to walk out of there on my own without him, I would be shot. He'd been instructed to drug me, to keep me drugged, until I no longer wanted to leave.

The next day after most of the men with guns had left for the day to carry out their business, we left and ran through a field next to the house. We came out on a shore where there was an old rowboat. We got into the water and tried to paddle but with the waves and the tide and our complete lack of sense of direction we ended up just a few feet away from where we had launched. We went again on foot, running into some trees, running through a dark forest until we broke at the edge of another field. There was an old red Ford half-ton parked in the lane. We sneaked over to it, slipped inside and he tried to get it going. There were people around, working the farm, sometimes passing the vehicle as they went from barn to house doing chores. Other vehicles pulled in beside us. But nobody saw us crouched on the floor and lying across the seat. Nobody looked inside. Nobody opened the door.

It was getting late. Soon the men would be back and realize we'd left. They'd go looking for us, and we'd only just gotten to the farm next door. Finally, when it got dark and all the people were inside having dinner, we got the truck started and sputtered out the lane and onto a dark highway. We headed south toward the city. The gas tank was nearly empty. I told him to stop at the nearest station. He was afraid. His group were powerful around here. We couldn't count on anyone helping us. I opened my purse to see how much money I had for gas. They'd taken my wallet while I slept. They had all my ID. They knew who I was and where I lived. I couldn't go home. He couldn't go home. As this dawned on me, I looked at him. He grinned. It's just me and you from now on, he said. All we've got is each other. We need to get as far away as we can.

I woke up and it was 4:45. I felt like I'd been through the wars. Exhausted. I rolled over and went back to sleep. In a few minutes I was back in the truck with him, on the dark highway, looking for a vehicle to cipher some gas from. We had to steal, couldn't take a chance on anyone seeing us. Hours and hours of us on the road, driving. Talking. Every now and then having a close call with the bad guys. The same dream until I finally rolled over at 9:30 this morning and said, "Screw this!" And got up to face the day. It's after lunch and I still feel like if I were to close my eyes I'd be right back there in the dream. My eyelids are droopy. I'm stifling yawns. There's a buzzing in my brain. I feel like I haven't slept at all.

God, I hate nights like that!

Mood: fuzzy, foggy, feeble
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: long walk home, bruce springsteen
Hair: curiously strong

Porchlight

I'm running late this morning. Only have a few minutes to blog before I gotta boot, scoot 'n boogie. It is Mighty Monday after all! Yesterday was a good day. I had a good time. Coffee stretched into a walk, ice cream, another walk, magic tricks, hours of conversation and more. A four or five hour relaxing comfortable time, rather than a half hour of trying to fill agonizingly uncomfortable silences. This is good. Wants to see me again. And likewise :-) Nothing like anybody else, which is promising I guess. Need to be careful not to repeat past patterns and errors in judgment.

Another crazy week on the rise. Have to get many more interviews done this week. Should be in full writing mode next week, no interviews left. This taking the weekend off for a personal life stuff is throwing me off my game a bit. I'm used to having 7 work days per week, not five. Well, four, Mighty Monday never seems to bring about much productivity.

Okay. Scooting!

Mood: absent minded
Drinking: coffee, black, cheapo compliments
Listening To: blank page, smashing pumpkins
Hair: ponied up for the day

Radio Nowhere

Yeah, I thought the time changed last night. I had it marked on my calendar even. I didn't change the clock though, it usually takes me a few days to get around to doing that, but I woke this morning at 7:30 thinking smugly to myself, "Hey it's really only 6:30! Aren't I swift this morning?" And I rolled over and laid there planning breakfast, my day, etc. thinking I had time to kill before Corrie came on. Nevertheless I flicked on the tv about 15 minutes later only to find to my surprise Corrie was already in progress! WTF?! Did CBC not turn their clocks back? So I watched Corrie and had breakfast and stumbled around in a stupor unsure what time it was exactly until after 10 when I turned on the computer and asked Google. It's still Daylight Savings Time until next weekend apparently. Okay. So now I feel kinda rushed like I lost another hour :-( It's okay. I guess I'll get it back next Sunday.

Today, I have a date. Yes, a real date. The mysterious love life comes to the surface. On the one hand, I'm semi-nervous in that first date kinda way. On the other hand, I'm thinking it's really no big deal. I'm just going for coffee with a nice intelligent man who just happens to think I'm beautiful. No big deal.

I will not be wearing my latest hat to this venture. Maybe if it clouds over . . . but never in bright sunshine again, lol, because I think the silver threads catch the sunlight and turn ole Kellie into quite the spectacle. On Friday I went to the rink to interview the coach of the junior hockey team. I walked. In the sunshine. Wearing my hat. Oh boy! Who knew the hat was such a force to be reckoned with?! Nearly everyday I walk and nobody notices me in my ponytail as I zip up the highway and through downtown. Occasionally, an elderly couple will smile and say hello as I pass them, but other than that, I might as well not exist. But I put on the hat and suddenly every passing truck honks, cars slow and the men behind the wheels give me broad grins and big waves, did I even see a wink at the lights?! Every guy I meet on the street smiles and says, "Great day!" Was that whistle for me? I've got men rushing up the steps to beat me to the door so they can hold it open for me. I walked into the Farmer's Market and all the guys sitting having their coffee nudged one another and pointed. I made my rounds and as I passed the tables on my way out I heard them buzzing, "There she goes again, boys! Who's that girl? Who is that?" My God! It's a hat people! Get a grip!

So yeah, a little attention is not a bad thing. But that was too much. Like WAY too much. The hat is a menace to society. Who knew? I think I'll have to retire it, tuck it away, a secret weapon to seal the deal. Had I known of its super power though, I might have worn it to the college on Thursday evening . . .

Mood: a little nervous
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: queen of apology, the sounds
Hair: up and back in black

Rock 'n Roll

The Internet is slow this morning. But I am not! I slept well last night. Might have been exhaustion, perhaps all the wine, but I was out and down for the count. I had my alarm set for 7 this morning, but I woke up at 5 feeling refreshed (if thirsty) so I watched the first half hour of a repeat of last night's The Hour with my boyfriend and then I got up, got dressed in my sweats, the Fundy green warm and fuzzy coat, a ball cap, pedometer, and mp3 player plugged into my head and then I hit the street for a walk. In particular I wanted to know how long the loop up the highway to the lights, down the hill by the dry cleaners, around the corner past the motel, up the hill by the legion and back down the highway to home too. It's about 20 minutes. Not bad. I could probably stretch it out to 30 if I did the side street crisscross.

I was going to make ham and eggs for breakfast but once I got back and got coffee into me really all I wanted was some rice cakes with peanut butter. So, that's what I'm doing. Maybe later I'll have a bigger more protein filled second breakfast. I'm going out around 9:30 to do an interview. I might wander into the Farmer's market. I have Sears parcels to exchange at some point but I'll have to make an extra trip for that. Tonight there's a book launch downtown. I might go. But that would be four walks in one day! Hold on! Is it possible I'm becoming an active person? :-)

Mood: thinking about showering
Drinking: coffee and water
Listening To: two guys for every girl, peaches
Hair: ponied up

Love Love Love This!

Have I Been Sleeping For All These Years?

Maybe I'm not drinking enough water. Or maybe I've got some sinus/allergy thing going on. I have this nagging hint of a headache that I can't seem to shake. I slept WAY too late today. Can't seem to catch up. I was supposed to go to the movies tonight, but I'm not now, so maybe if I use my evening time wisely I can get on top of things. Tomorrow is going to be a purely insane day. I need to figure out logistics, costume changes, cash needed on hand for such a big run-around day. Friday is only slightly less hectic, but at least it all happens on my side of the river so there'll be no crossing the bridge multiple times via taxi. It's $12.50 to cross the bridge. Maybe $15 to go one place I need to be. That's like pocket change in comparison to my past life. I used to spend $50 a day in taxi fares when I lived in TO. I'm talking 5 or 6 days a week. Honestly! Can you imagine?! $200-$300 in taxis every week! And that was a long time ago, lord knows what it'd cost today. The times they be a changing. When I think back on my lifestyle then, it's no wonder everything fell apart, I cracked and dropped out. Drinks every night after work. Sleeping 2-3 hours only per night. All meals eaten out. 100 hours on the job per week. I mean $250 on average just for frigging taxis. I was a crazy person. Facing a day like tomorrow takes me back there and makes me cringe a little, but then I remember it's only one day and no matter what it's still the Maritime version of hectic, which is never as fast paced as the Toronto version. Never. No need to ever move that fast again. Whew! What a relief?

In other news . . . people are pulling over to give me a boost. And when my gut clenches and I turn to flee, jump back in, roll up the windows and lock the doors, I'm making myself stand strong and face those booster cables head on. One coffee Sunday coming up!

Mood: well
Drinking: coffee, water
Listening To: 1979, smashing pumpkins
Hair: ponied

Let Me Out

Seriously enjoying Nathan Wiley's CD. Seriously.

So today was a weird kinda day. Foggy. Damp. Which seemed to make me foggy and . . . well, you know. Kidding. Maybe.

But seriously, it was a good day. Productive. I'm glad to be able to stay home tomorrow and work because Thursday and Friday are going to be freaking incredibly nuts. Working on some stories. The schedule goes off the hook come Thursday morn. Actually tomorrow evening it begins. Fun stuff though. Exciting stuff. Good stuff. It'll certainly be interesting.

I drank way too much Navan tonight. I think I have a vanilla infused headache coming on. Time for some water. One minute I was just warming up. Having something sweet after dinner. The next I'm a little whacked. I think that's more potent stuff than the usual glass of red.

Anyway, I'm out of the car and flagging down the peeps with the jumper cables. Lets see where this takes me.

Mood: dizzy
Drinking: water
Listening To: 1979. smashing pumpkins
Hair: headbanded again

Sick Side

Come over to the sick side . . .

Yes, I am enjoying Nathan Wiley.

Today's mighty speaker seemed custom delivered just for me. Well, partly anyway. All weekend I appeared to be doing some soul searching, some strange dreams, some deep thinking, some pondering in the moonlight. I came to a conclusion, but hadn't made any forward motion on my deduction. Then mighty monday began and an evangelical message was delivered about parked cars, booster cables, the tall grass on the side of the highway. Hmm . . .

Gotcha. I'm good.

Things are about to get a whole lot more risque about this place.

Mood: butterflies and pop rocks
Drinking: hot chocolate spiked with a shot of brandy
Listening To: north american dream, nathan wiley
Hair: pulled back in black

Only 24 Hours

So here's my light bulb ah-ha moment of the day . . . simply put, there are not enough hours in the day to do all that I want to do. Ok, yeah, we knew that, right? Well, not really. I mean I've always kinda thought it was my lack of discipline, my lack of planning, my lack of organizational skills that kept me from "doing it all." Not so, I see now. Quite literally, there are not enough hours in the day.

I made a list. Things I enjoy doing that make me happy like writing here on the Limbo blog, reading for pleasure, writing fiction, etc. Things that I need to prod myself to do but once I get into it I enjoy doing plus they are beneficial to my health and sanity, ie. walking, exercise, cooking good meals, personal development exercises/readings/cds etc. Things I have to do whether I want to or not like work, sleeping, personal hygiene, housework, etc.

The result -- if I shopped (I'm talking groceries and household supplies not shopping for fun), did volunteer work, watched tv and socialized only on weekends, I'd still need 26 hours in a day in order to consistently do it all and still get 8 hours sleep a night. Hmm. There you have it. There truly isn't enough time in a day to do it all. Unless . . . I only sleep 6 hours per night and I save all my shopping, volunteer work, television watching and socializing for weekends only. Or even better I only sleep 4 or 5 hours so I have an hour or two for spontaneity. I'm being sarcastic. Of course.

And this after I already gave up all my groups and freelance work. Sheesh!

Mood: reality checked
Drinking: nothing
Listening To: the dryer tumble
Hair: damp

Must Be Sunday

Sitting in bed, sipping coffee, about 9:15 on a sunshiny morning, Corrie on the set, Blanche actually willing to part with her life's savings, Jason actually undertaking some responsibility, audrey embracing being second best, ches trying to take that monstrous dog on the bus to liverpool, and it hits me. it starts in my stomach and works slowly up through my chest causing my heart to flutter and sputter as it passes into my throat. is it excitement? panic? is this what joy feels like? or maybe loneliness? i don't want to miss the rest of the shows and they're on for another 45 minutes yet, but it's all i can do to stay put. there's lots of time, i tell myself. no need to rush, i say. ah, but it's sunday, and on sunday i can't be reasoned with. when the flutter spreads from my throat and lands in my brain it's all over, i can no longer hear the lines, follow the plot. my brain is preoccupied with lists. first i'll check email, then i'll load my mp3 player with new music for the week. i must do dishes and laundry. i want to sweep, mop and vacuum. i should clean the bathtub. i think i'll clean the windows. i want to go for a walk. i need to get organized for the week work-wise, make a plan in the dayplanner. i want to edit some stories and put them up online. i should write a column. i should work on the play. i need to call mom about that question i had. oh, i've got to hang that picture. there's supper to think about, and breakfast and lunch before that. i need to make interview questions. i'm going to lose both monday and tuesday this week, need to compensate for that. if i finished writing those two things and edited some of the quick stuff, maybe i'd be ahead of the game. i want to blog. i want to read blogs. i want to tidy my bedroom. i should do some exercises. should i do an italian lesson today? maybe i should make those motivational tapes. the sun is so nice, i should go outside. do bears wander the cove in daytime? should i fill the mp3 player before or after a walk. should i put on lighter sheets or is this weather going to hold? oh, i need to respond to those people's questions. and i need to remember to do that thing. i'll have to make a list. yes, i'll make a list first. no, first i'll blog, i'm bursting to type. then i'll make a list. then i'll start the laundry. then the dishes. mustn't leave the walk too late. ok, so i'll walk first. right after i blog and make the list and load the mp3 player. is someone smoking? is something burning? oh dear, is corrie over? what happened? and i'm off. another manic sunday.

Mood: crazed
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: north american dream, nathan wiley
Hair: pulled back