To Each Her Own Zexy

I have an unnatural obsession with eating . . . and no, I probably don't mean this in the way that you think, though yes, I probably also have it in the way you think.

Do you remember that scene from Grease 2 where Michelle Pfeiffer gets a burger at the diner? She opens the bun and says, "No ketchup!" I love that scene. The way she devours that burger while she's talking . . . When this movie came out I was 13 years old. I had wanted to be a Pink Lady since I was nine and Mom actually let me go to the drive-in with her and Lorraine and Stacy. Mom never let me go anywhere on my own, and she certainly never took me anywhere. This was a first and a last. It was very special. I became obsessed with all things Grease.

I never wanted to be Sandy, because she's not cool until the very end and I wanted to be cool all the time! I wanted to look like Sandy with the big blue eyes and blonde hair, but I wanted to be cool like Rizzo. For me, Stephanie in Grease 2 was the ultimate! A gorgeous blue-eyed blonde Pink Lady who oozed coolness. *Sigh* I so wanted to be her, find my own cool rider and blast off into the sunset.

But back to the unnatural food obsession. I became fixated on many of Michelle Pfeiffer's actions in Grease 2, how she held her head, how she walked, how she opened her eyes, and so on, but mainly I became fixated with her mouth. How she smoked, how she chewed gum, how she smiled, how she chewed her food, how she sucked on her straw, how damn sexy she looked when she talked with her mouth full. Yeah, I'm a little (a lot maybe) nuts, but I just thought that was the sexiest coolest thing ever and from then on I would always wonder what I looked like when I was smoking or chewing, how I looked as I took a bite of a burger. Could I ever hope to look as great as she did?

This started what has turned into a lifelong obsession with . . . I'm not even sure what. The actresses I idolize all have very sensual mouths. Like Angelina Jolie and Scarlett Johansen. I notice the way actresses eat on tv and in movies. I remember those scenes in particular. I am oddly drawn to them. Like Mary Louise Parker in Weeds. She's always got an iced coffee in her hand that she's sipping from. I love that! I love the way her cheeks puff out just before she swallows. Holly Hunter in Saving Grace catching grapes in her mouth or chowing down on Texas omelets is fabulous, but she also smokes like a god damn chimney and I swear I tune in just to watch her inhale. It's almost enough to make me light up again, oh, just one for old time's sake . . .

I'm not turned on by all eating on screen, it's not a cigarette/food thing, it's totally to do with the actress involved. Part of the reason why I can't stand Sandra Bullock is because I find her chewing, drinking, smoking, etc. to be a bit disgusting. It doesn't give me a warm fuzzy feeling like Mary Louise. It doesn't make me sit up straighter and pay full attention so I might emulate later like Michelle Pfeiffer. It's kinda difficult to explain, this strangeness. I seem oddly indifferent to male actors eating, smoking. I could care less. It's only the girls I'm interested in, but it's not a sexual thing. I don't want to jump into the sack with any of them. I just want to be them. It's a strange adoration, idolization, emulation. All these years later and I still want to be Stephanie.

Mood: odd
Drinking: chai
Listening To: someone's tv
Hair: loosely knotted, wispys in my eyes

manic

i'm a little manic lately. well, maybe i'm not, but i feel kinda manic, wound up, head aching from thoughts flying so fast. two weeks ago i started using my day planner again. i buy these planners, every year, and i use them to keep notes, phone numbers, addresses, important website links, that kind of stuff mostly. occasionally i have a day here and there where i make a to do list, but i never seem to get to the part where i actually cross stuff off the list. i've had better success with electronic day planners, but haven't found one that stuck. and having seen the devastation of losing all the electronic stuff anyway, i'm not sold on keeping stuff in the air anymore anyway. but two weeks ago i made a to do list on a day and i crossed off about 90% by day's end and made a new list for the next day and i've been doing that every day ever since. it makes me feel manic. to cross things off. to get things done. to be blazing through, all alert like. maybe this is just normal business as usual stuff for the rest of the world. but it feels weird for me to know what happens tomorrow, what happens next, and to have a plan.

Mood: pondering
Drinking: i had some diet pepsi earlier
Listening To: the fridge humming
Hair: i'm dying to chop with abandon

Quickly

just dumping in the java before i have to leave for the usual mighty monday stuff. trying to wake the eff up. i need to stay away from blackville for a couple of weeks. barnbonia really does a number on my head. missed the book launch cuz of torrential rain and feeling poorly. felt bad about that. will still buy the book tho. our reading went off without a hitch, went well, sparse audience, no sales, some tears, but it's over and nobody died, so there you go. dinner theatre was good, tho i still crave just the theatre without the dinner. maybe someday. the dance . . . forget about it! the very good rock band turned into a less than great country band. hellish. so should've went with my first instinct and just stayed home to watch jon bon on snl. what is wrong with me and not listening to my gut?! the only thing that could've made that dance any worse would've been if the jay's had gone ahead and set me up on a blind date. sis here. gotta run.

Mood: good
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: rumblings
Hair: wet n stringy

Autumn Setting In

Setting in my bones, that is. I'm thinking this will be the last big flare of the season, surely temperatures and humidity won't rise much from now on. I am the rare bird who looks forward to below zero temperatures. We hit below freezing and I'm golden. It's getting there that can be excruciating. Today it's limbs, all of them, arms, legs, setting in wrists mostly, some shoulders, ankles and knees. I have a bad burn on one hand that's tender and I seem to keep striking on things, off tables, into doors. In many ways I think having a high threshold for pain is a curse, because I think I get more than my fair share, cuz I can take it. Or I often hurt myself before I realize I have, pay the painful price later in cuts, bruises, burns.

I've just remembered there is a writer's meeting tonight. I don't want to go. But I never do. I always feel like I don't have time. But especially this week. With the long weekend I feel like this week has been too short, there's not enough time to get all I want done. But I should make myself go. Even if I have no new writing to share. I need to connect with other writers and recharge creativity. And the meeting only comes round once a month. It's never going to fall on a night when I feel like I have time. And I haven't been since spring.

Mood: alright
Drinking: coffee, water
Listening To: grrrr
Hair: uncertain about itself

The Calming Light

"Good for the body is the work of the body, good for the soul is the work of the soul, and good for either is the work of the other." --Henry David Thoreau

Thoreau remains one of my faves.

I'm interested in meditation, visualization, yoga. I found a great website where they have daily yoga classes for beginners through to advanced. A new class every morning, about an hour long. I haven't started doing them yet. But I have the site bookmarked in my blog favourites so I am reminded of it everyday I go read other people's blogs. It's an hour long commitment, and I'm already committing about an hour and a half to walking, and another hour to personal development, so even though I know the benefit is there, it's gonna take a little convincing to get me in there I think. I need to warm up to the idea. I've only found this site a few days ago, late last week. Baby steps.

It's good to be home after Thanksgiving weekend. In retrospect I shouldn't have gone. I am absolutely dreading having to go up home again this weekend now. I am starting to think maybe I'll just go for the reading and come right back home again. I might be able to work that. Yes, I already purchased theatre and dance tickets, but . . . I dunno. What can I say? I like being home. I like sleeping in my own bed. I like being in charge of my own destiny and not having to rely on anyone else. I like being able to go wherever I want when I want. And I can't do that in the woods. There are wild animals and everything is too far away.

And there's a book launch Friday evening that I've been looking so forward to. I was devastated to find out it's happening this Friday night and I mightn't be able to go. I don't know how I'm supposed to go that and get to Blackville for the reading on Saturday. That whole thing has done nothing but piss me off since I agreed to do it. What does that say? Never freaking again. That's what.

In brighter news I am down 8 pounds since this time last week. Yeah, that's a lot, and I know it's almost entirely water weight, and the shock of a KFC-less existence. Still, it was nice to see it go so quickly, because when I stepped on the scales last week I was mortified to see the ravages of summer on my numbers. It was much, much, worse than anything I had imagined. So, to shed so quickly kinda means it wasn't real. You know, it's not holding on for dear life or anything. Whoosh! Bygones! Begin again. Of course, we'll have to wait and see what this week brings, before we start celebrating.

Mood: not bad
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: just me
Hair: perhaps about to be butchered

Life's A Poker Game

"Life consists not in holding good cards, but in playing those you hold well." - Josh Billings.

Losers go into the game with money they can't afford to lose. They always need to win, to get even, to win back what they've already lost. The need to win causes them to lose. They play hands they shouldn't play. They don't fold when they should fold, because they can't afford to fold. They can't afford to play in the first place. Losers are always chasing their losses rather than playing the hand they're dealt.

It's the same in life. Winners play the hand life deals them and they succeed. Losers chase their losses, focus on their problems and obstacles, and continue to add to their losses. Winners make lemonade of the lemons life deals them, then they open a lemonade stand, sell that lemonade, invest their earnings and make their fortunes. Losers sit and look at those lemons and cry, "why me, lord?" hands raised to the heavens, fall into a deep depression and give up. Or they get angry. "Oh yeah, you gonna give ME lemons! I'll show you!" And then they stomp on all those lemons and tear to them shreds, so they're left with nothing. Then they sit around and moan about how they have nothing, no luck, no opportunities. Meanwhile, buddy with the lemonade stand was dealt the very same hand and went on to become the richest most successful person in the world.

You have to live the life you've been given. You have to focus on the positive, focus on your hopes and dreams, make goals, have ambition, always be learning and growing and moving forward, take action, use your talents and gifts. If you focus on the negative, you get stuck in a pattern of negativity. If you're always complaining you'll just get more of what you complain about, the same with worry, the same with regret. Live in the present. Be grateful. Dare to move forward.

I mean look at Oprah. That woman started out with a big ole pile of lemons, being born black, female, poor, add in the sexual abuse and you think it's a wonder she ever amounted to anything, all the odds were certainly stacked against her. I'm sure there a lot of girls who were dealt the very same lemons as Oprah who ended up dead or living miserable lives. And no, she didn't get lucky. She didn't win some kind of lottery jackpot. She's where she is today because she worked her ass off to get there. She played the hand she was dealt to the best of her ability and she won. She didn't chase her losses.

And then you've got someone like Brittany Spears. That girl has so much to be grateful for in her life! Two kids of her own, a family. She was a success since she was a kid. She's already made a fortune and could do anything she wanted to do right now. ANYTHING! She has the resources to pursue any of her dreams. And she squanders it all away. She doesn't care. "Life gave me lemonade but I want lemons, dammit!" She's got every opportunity, life has dealt her a pretty great hand to begin with, I mean in comparison to Oprah, but Brittany's focused on the negative, most likely to do with love and relationships, she's chasing her losses, and therefore she is a loser. She doesn't value her hand, because a person who values their children obviously wouldn't lose custody because of drugs and alcohol and concerns for the children's safety.

Okay, moving on, in poker you need to only play with money you can afford to lose, but you also have to have a lot of patience. If you don't have the cards you need to fold and wait to catch the cards that you know you can win with. Same thing in life. We want it and we want it now, dammit! I'm guilty of this. I see something I want to buy, I don't really have the money, instead of saving the money I buy it on my credit card, which means I end up paying way more for it because of interest and so on. Meanwhile, if I just waited til I could save up the cash to buy the thing, and worked on paying off my credit card once and for all. I'd have way more money at my disposal all the time. We need to have more patience. And this goes for all things, not just money. We want a better job, so we take whatever we can get in order to get out of the job we're in right now as soon as possible. We want to find that special someone, so we hook up with the first person we meet in the bar and hope they are the one. We want to build a home, have a family, get a pet, so we behave in these rash illogical manners to get these things we want. We're always going off half-cocked and wondering what the hell happened when we get what we wanted and it turns out to be a disaster. We need to be ready to roll with opportunities when they present themselves but we need to know when to sit still and just wait.

Yes, you win a few, you lose a few, but the important thing is the long haul, you need to win more over time than what you lose in order to make gains. If you have a weekly poker game that you always go to and every week you lose $50 but one week you win $300, that's no reason to celebrate if you've been playing faithfully for years on end. You're still a loser! One pot doesn't make you the big winner. Same thing in life. You won't always win, there will be losses, pain, suffering, major obstacles that knock you onto your butt, but the important thing to move forward and make progress is to win more than you lose. Accept your losses and move on to the next win.

“You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.” -- Kenny Rogers

Mood: having a poker kinda day
Drinking: coffee, black, the cheap stuff
Listening To: just me typing
Hair: pulled back off my face, cuz i still haven't dealt with critical mass

Lock It Up

"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." - Plato (427-347 BC)

I'm not talking about stopping at the stop sign or breaking into the neighbour's house, I'm talking about personal laws. Whether we know it or not, we all have personal laws that we either follow or we break. If we're not consciously aware of what they are, chances are we break them. No the cake police won't come lock me up if I take a second piece, but I have a personal law that says I eat healthy, so by eating cake I condemn myself to Have-Not Prison. Perhaps you've been there also? It's where you go when you dream of a better life and only get more of the same and worse. Yeah, we've all been there.

What I'm coming round to from yesterday and again today is that I need to be less lenient on myself. I need to hold myself accountable, set personal laws and not break them, if I ever hope to be that person I want to be.

“Life’s biggest changes happen in a second.”

You don't stop for the stop sign, smash into another car and kill three people, one of them a child. In one second your life changed forever and you became a killer. Nothing will ever be the same again, and three people's lives have ended abruptly because you broke the law. And you know, that's the way it is with everything--diet, exercise, procrastination. The second you decide it's ok just this one time to skip the workout or put off that task until later or eat the fried chicken, you've broken your personal law and become nothing better than a criminal. It might seem extreme, but what I'm really talking about is integrity. I mean if you can't keep your word to yourself, if you can't trust yourself, then how can you possibly expect anyone else to take your word and trust you? And if my personal rule says, "I eat healthy." How is it ever right to eat a piece of cake? I mean it's the same as smoking. My personal rule is that I am a non-smoker, although I smoked for many many years. And I loved smoking! I mean nobody loved smoking more than me. So making a rule that I am a non-smoker was not easy for me. I gave up immense pleasure because I knew cigarettes were bad for me and I was working on another personal rule--I am a healthy person. So I gave up cigarettes five plus years ago and there isn't a week that goes by that I am not aware of cigarettes and that they don't call to me. Sometimes it's really hard not to give in and have just one puff. But I am a non-smoker and I am a healthy person, so there can be no puffs, ever, it's against the laws of Kellie. So, why should cake or fried chicken be any different? How can I justify bending the rules for them? I mean there is absolutely nothing nutritional about a piece of cake. Nada! It's practically poison.

I watched Ross Matthews talky blog on Tuesday. I love his blog! Ross is otherwise known as Ross the Intern from the Tonight Show. He used to be a big boy but last year he went on Celebrity Fit Club and got healthy and trim. In Tuesday's talky blog he gets more emotional, upset and angry than I've ever seen him in the many months of watching everyday. Why is he so angry? It's been a year since Celebrity Fit Club and the day he said goodbye to one of his best friends, Pizza. He dreams of pizza. He craves pizza. He explains which ones are his favourites. And yes, he understands that having one piece of pizza won't make him fat again. And he's not saying that he won't ever have a slice, maybe one day he will, but right now, he's sticking to his personal rule and he's worked too hard and he's having too much success to bend the rules and have pizza. Instead he opts to make a healthier pizza at home using whole grain tortillas, a touch of low-fat cheese, some favourite veggies, etc. He asks his readers to post their healthy pizza recipes and ideas in order to help him out. This talky blog post of his spoke to me on a level unlike anything else. Something clicked. The boy was tearing up talking about pizza! He longs for it the way I long for a long slow drag off a cigarette on a cool fall day. But I don't give in and take the drag. And Ross doesn't give in and eat the pizza.

In the past year or so I've been slowly coming round to the idea that undoing the damage I've done to my body my whole life in order to finally emerge the healthy person I want to be is damn hard work. And I'm not just talking physical health here, I'm talking the whole spectrum, emotional and mental, etc. I want to make advances in my career. I have goals and dreams I want to accomplish. I want to kick procrastination to the curb once and for all. But it all takes time. It takes effort. It takes me making conscious healthy decisions 100% of the time.

I say I've been slowly coming around to the idea that it's hard because honestly I've still been invested in finding shortcuts. I've still been looking for ways to have my cake and eat it too . . . literally! I've wanted to find a way to get rid of this excess weight without exercise. I've wanted to be able to get healthy and still have french fries with gravy or drumstick squares. I've been learning tons of stuff about proper nutrition and counting calories and burning calories and so on, but I've been holding out, looking for some quick fix. I need to make the rules, write them down so there can be no doubt and then read them everyday to remind myself. Then I need to stop being a person without integrity and start following my own damn rules. I mean if I'm not going to obey my own laws, what's keeping me from one day getting behind the wheel of a car and killing three people? Or going next door and robbing the girl? Why follow those laws? What's to stop me from giving in to any urge I have when I have it no matter if it's legal or not? Why should my life outside of my home be any different than the one I'm living in it? If I'm a liar and a cheat at home . . .

I need to sit down and really think about what I will accept of myself, and also what I will accept of others. It's a good exercise. I think it'll help.

Mood: very well, thank you
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: grumble, grumble, grumble this computer is a growler, the first couple of days i kept thinking i was hearing thunder in the distance
Hair: pulled back in a pony

Take a Sec

"While we are postponing, life speeds by." - Lucius Seneca (3BC - 65AD)

We all do this at one time or another, don't we? It takes more time to do it later than it does to do it now, yet we still let our lazy asses win out and put off what we can and should do today until tomorrow . . . and the next day . . . and the next day.

I struggle with this. I struggle with procrastination in all aspects of my life from work and relationships to exercise and housecleaning and everything else. I'm convinced if I can just get past my procrastination, become a person who ALWAYS consistently does it now, that everything in my life will shift and I'll become that person I want to be. Every time I say I'll do it later or I'll do it tomorrow, I drift further away from my goals in life.

I'm not unaware of the situation, and yes, I have made strides in recent years. I have done well for months on end in some aspects. But I always fall off the wagon, or I let some areas suffer while I focus on others.

The damage of putting something off was never more apparent than last week. After a slew of really great days of walking, writing, getting caught up on all the household chores, I felt great! My self-esteem was high, I wasn't stressed, I felt really good about everything. This, despite the fact my computer blew up and I fell behind in work. Things were on track, couldn't have been going better. Fast forward to yesterday, when I found myself looking around my kitchen and wondering what happened? Every dish, plate, glass, mug, utensil and pot is dirty. All of it! I stood there scratching my head and wondering how this could have happened, and so quickly! I mean wasn't it just yesterday that I decided I was too sleepy to do the dishes and I went to bed instead? Oh wait, no, I was out all day Monday and didn't get home until after 1am. When was that anyway?

One day last week I decided not to do the dishes for whatever reason. There weren't that many, just me, just one day . . . and within a couple of days my kitchen went to hell. For the first time ever, yesterday the connection between that one tiny piece of procrastination and the fall out was crystal clear to me. I could see it in a straight line. I went from here to there. And I did it very quickly.

That's just one example. There are tons of others. Every aspect of my life that ends up in a big mess can be traced back to one minor incident where I put something off. Like last week, even though, I was up early enjoying the sunshine, even though I was aware rain and thundershowers were in the forecast, I decided to take my walk in the evening instead of going in the morning. And when evening came there was lightning, and I won't walk in lightning. I can do rain, but lightning is a whole other matter. And by the time the skies cleared it was dark and I don't like walking after dark. So, I didn't go for a walk that day. And I didn't go the next. Or the next. And by the end of the weekend my house was full of empty KFC containers. A straight line from me saying "I'll do that tonight" to me chowing down on greasy chicken and feeling like a big old fat failure while I was doing it.

We lie to ourselves. Or I do anyway. I told myself these little things didn't matter, every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around. But I wasn't seeing the connection between my actions and the results, or I was lying to myself about the connection. And this week it's all really clear. I mean it might seem kind of idiotic that I hadn't understood if I didn't do the dishes, they wouldn't get done. But it's more than that, I can remember the precise decision that knocked me off track. I thought I could say no to dishes that one day and still be okay. It's like being an alcoholic and thinking you can take that one drink. Or being a smoker and thinking you can have that one cigarette. I'm a procrastinator and I can't put off one single thing or I put off everything. I see that now, and it's different than I've ever seen it before.

So today, I'm taking a sec to do everything. Every single thing. I'm not saying no to anything that needs doing. I'm not putting anything off. I'm doing it all. And for today that's a big challenge, because there is so much, but tomorrow it'll get easier, and the next day easier still and so on and so forth. I just have to remember that I'm an addict. I'm addicted to putting things off, and I can't do it even one time or I'll end up with dishes piled to the ceiling and KFC containers lying all around.

"The greatest potential for controlling the ends is to exist at the point where action takes place." -Louis A Allen

Mood: enlightened
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: wind chimes, and my computer growling
Hair: long, loose, in my eyes

Just a Note

Yesterday I got over 10,000 steps, most in a crazy wind/rain storm that ripped out my ponytail and saw me jogging in a "OMG Please don't lightning! Please don't hail!" panic for several minutes. I bet it was kind of funny, in a third person observatory type of way. Looking back at the last 7 days (stored in my pedometer) I'm definitely doing better than in previous weeks. The thing is I LOVE this walking shit! Like seriously, I could go all night. I need to start leaving earlier so I'm not on the sidewalkless highway in the dark. It feels really good to get out to get breathing and moving, to take that much time and just chill and listen to the tunes. Soon I will start losing weight. It's bound to happen. I don't think one can do 6000+ aerobic steps every day and not slim down some. Even if I am still not back into the SparkPeople routine and watching my calories.

More good news! My favourite co-worker/techy guy was able to salvage all the necessaries from my toasted hard drive! Yay!! Yes, I lose lots of stuff still, but it's not important stuff, it's stuff I can live without or get again. No biggie. Whew! When you prepare for these types of disasters in advance they can be almost painless. I'm still on the loner laptop but he's supposed to drop off my new system later this morning. He also upped my memory. Lottsa gigs going on now, baby!

Last night I dreamed about school. One of my fellow BHS Class of '87 alum had fallen quite ill so people were rallying at the school to raise money. It was a weird and tiring dream. You wouldn't believe who was teaching shop even if I told you! But who has time to fill you in on all the details anyway? Not I! Time is slipping away and I've tons to get done. Ciao!

Mood: excellent spirits
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: my refrigerator generator kicking out
Hair: pulled back off my face

Dry Spell Ends

You've been waiting patiently for a post I suppose. I mean what happened in Fredericton? How close did I get to Matt Mays? What's new in my love life? (Did you even know I HAD a love life?!) How is work going? What am I doing for Thanksgiving? Do I have any new extracurricular activities? So many burning questions! And so little time to discuss.

The bad news is that I blew up another hard drive. Yeah . . . did my getting really super aggravated and angry for a couple of days cause my PC to die? OR (and this is the theory I'm pulling for) did my energy sense my PC's terminal illness and react in violent anger? That is the question. No matter. It's dead. Gone. Funeral today. High noon. Mighty parking lot. Costumed freaks only. Charlie Chaplain to officiate. The devil will make an appearance.

The good news is that I'm finally, finally, finally coming out of the funk that began this summer when I lived in Barnettville (cell memory induced methinks) and has continued through cooler autumn weather when I normally depress anyway. This morning I woke at 5:58 . . . ON MY OWN! No alarm. I'm back, baby! I attribute this to my recent pedometer and mp3 player purchases and my comittment to 10,000 daily steps. I've been walking. Yes, I have! Cranking those tunes and taking off anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes every day. The pedometer is a great motivator. I have it on my person at all times. It even accompanied me to the Matt Mays concert, which was a good thing because I got over 3,000 steps after midnight that night! That's some serious counting I would not have wanted to miss.

And I've been putting words to paper again. Scribbling notes on one of the two plays that have been wandering around my head for years now. This being brought on by the absence of a computer in my day yesterday, and not a whole lot of housework needing to be done. How else is a girl supposed to put in the day? There's only writing or reading left after computer and housework are extracted . . . and when I need to stay at home for drop-in drop-off pick-up delivery stuff.

Anyway, spirits are high today. And now I am Frank and Frank must go.

Mood: silly
Drinking: coffee, black, fair trade, organic, Guatemalan, medium roast
Listening To: just the hum of the computer
Hair: perhaps to be black before the end of the day, ponied, having reached critical thickness on Monday

Wicked Come Winter

It's 7am on the Mighty Miramichi and I've been up for hours already. Big day. Have to get ready to leave Dodge for the weekend. Going to Freddy to see a tall dark haired lanky boy who will sing to me. I'm almost excited by that description. F-U-N! But lots to do before I get that far. LOTS!

Meeting a friend this morning for breakfast. That should be fun. Haven't seen each other in awhile, lots to catch up on.

I have discovered some hearing loss in my right ear. I can tell using the ear buds on my mp3 player. It's weird. I totally think I never recovered from Nazareth a couple years ago. I think that's when it happened. Damn! I mean for Jon Bon I'd sacrifice hearing, for The Rolling Stones, even Foreigner a few years back . . . but Nazareth? I wasn't even supposed to be at that concert :-( It was a fluke. And now I have hearing loss. Oh well, the price one pays I suppose.

Last evening I went out of the house and off down the road for a walk. I've been meaning to do this every morning and night since I got my pedometer (cuz as I've previously explained, getting 10,000 steps without going outside is pretty damn difficult) but as always life gets in the way. Not so yesterday. I plugged in my portable sounds and took off on the Old King George Highway toward French Fort Cove. It was nearly dark, very windy, had just rained and was threatening to rain again. I didn't do a loop around the cove because it was too dark and scary by the time I got there, so I just turned and came back. The great thing about the tunes was that I didn't want to stop. I could have kept going all night. When I got back to my building I slowed for a second, then shot right past, opting to do another lap around the block. Why not? I was out and feeling good. Even with a good 40 minute aerobic walk I was short on my 10,000 steps yesterday. It's hard! I cannot stress that enough. You really need to make an effort. And this week has been challenging in the effort department with migraines and what not.

Tonight, I'm looking forward to the treadmill at Mom's. With my walk out to breakfast this morning and access to a treadmill tonight, I should be laughing at 10,000 steps.

My left earbud doesn't seem to want to stay in my ear, doesn't seem to fit properly or something. The right one is fine, just the left I'm having probs with. Of course the left is also the one I have the best hearing in, so it's kinda crucial to the whole music experience. Maybe I need to buy a different set? I dunno.

Anyway, that's my 20 minutes of rambling for today. I'm off to make stuff happen!

Mood: productive
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: nuttin hunnee
Hair: i still don't want to talk about it

Oh Brother

I so hope Danielle doesn't win BB8. Is anyone with me on that? Do other people like her? I cannot stand her whining childishness. She has grated on my last nerve since the beginning. She's like a bad young lad. I like Dick less as the show progresses, I liked him more in the beginning. It's the gloating as it gets down to the end that is turning me off. I didn't mind the attacks all along, that was entertaining and interesting game strategy, but I just can't stand poor winners. And I just feel sorry for poor Zack. At this point I'd sooner see ED win it, with Zack second or even vice versa. The idea of Dani winning the whole thing makes me want to puke. Thoughts? Anyone watching?

Going to Fredericton on Friday to see Matt Mays perform at Harvest Jazz Blues Festival. I can't get excited about it, too much to do to get there. I've even been thinking about giving my ticket away and staying home.

Mood: achy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To:Kings of Leon - Molly's Chambers
Hair: don't ask

Best/Worst Day

I love Sunday.

I hate Sunday.

I love waking up Sunday morning, rolling over one eye open to snatch the remote and click on Coronation Street so I catch up on the week's events as I slowly come to full consciousness. I love rushing to the kitchen during commercial breaks to grab coffee and granola bars and then racing back to my cozy bed to snack and caffeinate as British soap opera turns to CBC Sunday Morning with my boy Evan. I love the guilty pleasure of staying in bed until noon and just watching tv.

I love the excitement of a new week begun. I love the anticipation of the known and the unknown. I love the endless possibilities.

I hate that I can't slow down as day turns to night. I hate that I can't shut off my mind and go to sleep. I hate that Sunday night turns to Monday morning and I lie there awake watching the transition. I hate that I'm never rested for my weekly Monday morning meeting. I hate that I'm groggy and foggy all day on Monday.

I don't know how to make it stop.

I love Sunday. I hate Sunday night.

Yesterday was a good day. Went shopping with Mom. I got a new pair of pants. Black cords, though it was the hottest day ever! :-) I also bought an mp3 player. It's for walking. To go with the pedometer. I'm motivated by music. I know that. So, it's a good purchase. I didn't buy a very expensive one, it's not an ipod or anything, but I like it.

Having trouble today shaking last night's dreams. They made me sad. That's all I'm saying. Damn dreams!

Mood: pleasant
Drinking: nothing at the moment
Listening To: seagulls squawking, dryer tumbling, stomach gurgling, The Luckiest, Ben Folds
Hair: getting spruced for matt

The World is a Vampire

Yesterday was an eye-opener. I knew I was sedentary, but I had no idea just how bad an average day can be. I'm in front of the computer a lot. It's my job. I write. I read. That's what I do. All day, everyday. So, try to incorporate 10,000 steps into a day spent writing and reading and you'll soon see that it's not that easy. It requires effort.

Honestly, I just thought I could make more trips to the bathroom and kitchen, pace while talking on the phone, plan more frequent work breaks and use them to take a few laps around my living room. Normally I go out almost every day anyway, to the grocery store, the office, or what have you. Some days I walk downtown, like I did on Wednesday, but more often than not somebody stops in and I go with them in the car.

Yesterday, I went to SuperValu with Sherry for instance. We parked some distance from the door and we went over nearly every aisle because they are renovating and nothing is where it used to be anymore. Stacy and I always seem to put a lot of miles on when we travel together and go grocery shopping or to the mall. So I kinda thought I could just keep on doing what I've been doing, just increase my awareness of steps and consciously take longer routes, do more pacing, make more trips, etc. and I'd reach the 10,000 steps goal easy.

Not so! I quickly realized this when I checked my steps for the day just before supper after having gone out shopping with Sher. I had done laps around the living room on several occasions. I had made frequent trips in the unloading groceries thing. I had paced while talking on the phone. I had went down the hall to other end of the apartment to look out the window several times. It felt like I had spent a lot of my day on my feet. I mean in comparison to any other normal day. And at 4:35pm I only had 2,876 steps. Damn! That's a long way from 10,000!

So I knew right then that if I was going to hit the target I had to ramp it up a bit. It wasn't very nice outside last evening and truthfully I didn't really feel like going out much anyway, but really I just wanted to prove to myself that I could get the steps without leaving the apartment. That it could indeed be done. It's possible. Because you know, there are days when you can't go out because of the weather. Snow days and extreme temperatures and all that. So it was really important for me to prove to myself that I could still get 'er done, without going to French Fort Cove.

My floor squeaks. It's an older building you know. I can hear the guy upstairs moving around, so I'm certain the couple below me can hear me moving around. What are they gonna think if I'm running around for an hour up here? Should I even care? Luckily, the folks went out and when I noticed their car gone from the parking lot I cranked up the iTunes and got to stepping. My kitchen is in the middle of my apartment with a doorway on either side. The kids love to run round and round when they're here, doing the loop through the kitchen, dining room, living room, hall, and into the kitchen again. So I followed their example and started walking laps through my apartment, taking the occasional meander down to the bedroom to see if my neighbors had returned. And I walked!

End result of my first day on the pedometer:

10,100 steps total
5,097 aerobic steps or 50 minutes of aerobic walking
415 calories burned and 25.7 grams of fat
3.66 miles walked

Not too damn shabby! Especially for not leaving the house. It's doable, this thing. It's just more work than I expected, but totally doable. The numbers are a great motivator. The fact that the numbers reset to zero at midnight seems to be a big motivator too. There is a deadline. I have 24 hours to get the steps and that is all, no cheating, no fudging, get it in before midnight or it doesn't count.

I wanted to write about last night's crazy assed dreams but I've run out of time. Maybe later. Wish me luck stepping!

Mood: hyper
Drinking: water
Listening To:Smashing Pumpkins - Bullet With Butterfly Wings(1)
Hair: definitely getting a wash today

The Killer in Me

I got my new pedometer and it is awesome!! Yes, I got the one from Walking Spree. I had my eye on it for awhile, so when I put out the call on my blog for pedometer advice and Andrea came back with the one I wanted, I knew it was a sign that I should just commit to the investment, get serious about 10,000 steps a day, and get the pedometer I really wanted.

I mean I've been frigging around with so many crappy pedometers . . . it's so annoying to get steps just by shifting in your seat or sneezing. You go sit in a meeting and come out two hours later with hundreds of steps that never happened. Not good!

I've only had this one for less than a day but I am already thrilled. It measures my steps very accurately. I can chair-dance to my iTunes without registering false steps. I don't need to clip the thing onto my pants, I can put it in my pocket or carry it in my purse and it still calculates my steps with amazing accuracy. It's like magic! It also keeps track of my steps from days gone by so I can look back and see how I'm progressing. It's got a clock and automatically goes to a new day starting at 0 steps at midnight. A touch of a button and I can see how many aerobic steps I've done, how many calories I've burned, or how many miles I've walked. Ever wonder how many miles you put on in the run of a day? I'll no longer be wondering, I'm gonna know for sure. I'm super psyched about this gadget, can you tell?

Yes, I like gadgets. I'm a gadget kinda girl. It's a good thing I don't have more money to spend on gadgets cuz I'd have the house full of stuff.

Back to the pedometer. I just got the pedometer, I didn't order a program. I'm a firm believer that if you're going to do something you can do it just as well on your own as you can spending a whole lot of money to join a club to do it with someone else. If you're not going to do it, you're not going to do it, if you are, you will, period. That's why so many people shell out money to join diet clubs and gyms and then never go. If they were serious about health and exercise they could have done it at home, spending the bucks to join the club doesn't mean you're really invested. Not that I'm knocking Jenny Craig or gyms. They're great! But what I'm saying is even though they're great, they can't do all the work for us. And they're not going to have any effect upon people who haven't made up their minds to manage their weight or get fit. And someone who has made up his or her mind to manage their weight and get fit can do that just as well on their own.

So, it's all on me. It's up to me. Do I want to get serious? Or what? No time like the present.

I didn't order a program but I can always upgrade later. You know, if I find myself wanting more, there are lots of options available to me. I can connect the pedometer to my computer and upload information to the website, which is kinda cool, if I want to go that route. They've got coaches I can work with. I can join walking clubs. Etc. For now, I'm just taking one day at a time, 10,000 steps a day being the goal. We'll see where that takes me. Already it took me around and around the living room so many times I'm sure the neighbours below are wondering what the hell I'm doing. Later today, it will take me outside and off on the road.

Yesterday I went for a pretty big errand run, of course, I didn't have the pedometer yet, so nothing was tracked but today my thighs and buttocks are registering their surprise at yesterday's unexpected activity. I'm a little sore.

I went to the post office, sent some mail, and picked up my parcel (which was the pedometer!). Then I went to Scotia Bank for some banking. And then I headed off to Home Hardware, which was a bit farther on foot than I had imagined, but it's all good. I got some hooks to hang my lamp finally and I also got some chemical free dryer sheets that last at least 500 loads. I wanted a dryer ball, but these are good too. No more Bounce and dangerous film of chemicals in my dryer for me! Yay! After Home Hardware I walked back to Sobey's where I picked up a Chicken Dinner (3 pieces and taters) in the deli (which was the BEST I've ever had from Sobeys and lately anywhere, I have to say, fresh out of the fryer, not the healthiest choice I know, but I had a craving), a dozen whole wheat hamburger rolls from the bakery, an apple, two ears of corn, two sweet potatoes, a family pack of lean ground beef, a family pack of steak, a big bottle of relish, a bottle of instant espresso, and a package of energy saving light bulbs. Then I carried all that stuff up the hill and home. My arms were rubber when I got back. My face was beet red. I was wiggly as the children would say. My left arm is also a little sore today. Guess it had the heavier load.

Anyway, so far so good.

Mood: energized
Drinking: instant espresso
Listening To: Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
via FoxyTunes
Hair: neglected

These Dreams

And the dreams continue. Gawd! It's hard to get any real rest when everyone you've ever met in your life and many you haven't decide to drop into the middle of your brain and share their deepest most meaningful stories. Bah! In one of the numerous dreams from last night I was visiting with a long lost friend. I was in Toronto on business (BnM magazine biz fyi) and I ran into him on the street by my hotel, went back to his apartment for coffee and a catch up. Sitting on the floor looking through photo albums of all the places he'd been because he had been travelling a lot since I last saw him, working in the foreign press or something. Came across a photo of him and a girl in Morocco. I couldn't believe who it was, a girl I had been good friends with once upon a time but lost touch. Just as I started to say something I looked at him and he was all glassy eyed as he told me about this woman he had met and fallen deeply in love with and how she had been killed by rebels. I felt so sad. Overwhelming grief caught in my throat.

Then the scene faded into black and the next thing I knew I was running along a nearly deserted cobbled street in London, racing along in early morning grey, still choking on grief from having seen the picture of my friend and learning of her death. At a white door with a glass window I punched the buzzer and bounced on the balls of my feet impatiently as I waited to be let inside. It was chilly and damp, and I wore a black wool jacket and I burrowed inside covering my chin. An ex-boyfriend appeared in the window with a furrowed brow and steel eyes that said, oh God, what the hell are you doing here? He hesitated debating whether to just draw the blind and ignore me or to let me in, and then he opened the door. Before he could say anything I sprang at him, kissing, hugging, tangling my fingers in his hair, pushing my grief away and into him. He was momentarily surprised but then responded, picking me up and carrying me to his bed, where we buried ourselves in the blankets and I tried to lose myself in passion.

I woke up with just my eyes poking out from under my blankets. Frost warning last night. I had put on extra blankets and they paid off, my room was cold but I was cozy in my bed. Everyone is having dreams these past weeks. I thought it was the moon but maybe it's something else. I don't mind dreaming. I go crazy if I don't dream. But the vividness and intensity is a bit much. So tiring. I feel tired most of the time. Maybe it's just the changing season. I don't know, but something's definitely got hold of me and I'm not the only one.

Mood: a wee foggy
Drinking: coffee, french pressed, black
Listening To:Damien Rice - Smile
via FoxyTunes
Now playing: Neko Case - That Teenage Feeling
via FoxyTunes
Hair: something's gotta give

For Reasons Unknown

Last night I watched a couple of movies. First I watched the latest in the Die Hard series, Live Free or Die Hard. I've been curious about it because normally I'm not into the whole series and sequel thing (well, except for Bourne and Clerks) but the Die Hard series started back in 1988, there's a lot of history there. To have one come out now, after all these years, well, it's a curious thing. Same thing with the latest Rocky, though I haven't watched it yet, I know I will eventually. And when Stallone's new Rambo comes out hopefully by Christmas, then I'll be plunking down a ten to go see that sucker in the theatre.

Anyway back to Die Hard.

When it opened in theatres earlier this summer I honestly had no urge to go see it. But then it did pretty good box office, which doesn't mean much, just that a lot of people went to see it. But then I started to hear some really good stuff about it. And yes, granted most of the good feedback was coming from Kevin Smith (who is in the movie) and his friends via Smodcast and his blog, but still, if he was in the movie and it sucked they're the types to say it sucked, or at least to not say anything at all. But all summer it's been coming up in their conversation as one of the great summer movies. So I was curious.

Last night I'm flicking through looking for something to watch and I came across it, so I hit play just to see the quality, whether it looked any good or not, and the opening credits are rolling while I'm deciding and then Timothy Olyphant's name rolls up and that was that! Any doubts instantly vanished and I settled in to watch the movie. I love, love, love Timothy Olyphant! If you're not watching Deadwood, you need to stop everything and go find an episode right now. I'm not kidding. I don't care if you don't like westerns, neither do I . . . until now.

Live Free or Die Hard is a really good watch. Lots of action. Great stunts and special effects. Engaging storyline. Bruce Willis is still believable as a major action star (unlike Nicolas Cage who really seemed to be way too old to be Johnny Blaze in Ghost Rider) John McClane is as rough around the edges and sarcastic as he was way back when. So, if you've been on the fence or not even interested, give this one a chance. I had forgotten how much i enjoyed the original Die Hard. This is, in my opinion, as good as the first and better than the second and third parts.

After all that action I wanted to unwind with something lighter, so I went looking for a good comedy. I came across Fun with Dick and Jane, which I had never seen. Tea Leoni can be pretty funny. I prefer Jim Carrey in his more dramatic roles like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but of course he can also be very funny, he practically invented funny. I did have a few laugh out loud moments, but even though it came out a few years ago I had still seen most of the really good laughs in the previews which kinda ruins the movie. (How come they don't ever hold something back?) Still, it wasn't all bad, for that kind of a movie it's worth a watching one time, don't rush out and buy the dvd or anything, but if it's on cable, why not?

After the movies I was feeling pretty zonked so I went to bed. I put in this free dvd I got in a box of Orville Redenbacher microwave popcorn this week. It has pilot episodes of four shows: Heroes, The Office, Miami Vice and Friday Night Lights plus a couple of extra features. I started to watch Friday Night Lights because I've never seen or really heard much about that show. It's interesting looking, gritty and real, but it couldn't hold me through the sleepies I'm afraid. So I shut it off half-way through and crashed. I really liked the look of it though. I'll give it another go sometime.

Mood: headachy
Drinking: coffee, french pressed
Listening To:Scissor Sisters - Better Luck Next Time
via FoxyTunes
Hair: about to be snipped by my own hand

Mad World

In last night's crazy ass dream I found myself at a big summer party. The kind with big canopy tents set up to shade tables covered with food and drinks. The kind with a band onstage in the centre. Perhaps a wedding, though nobody was dressed up. Nevertheless it was THAT kind of party. A sunshiny afternoon with all my family (both sides), friends and co-workers. I seemed to know everyone. Somebody tossed me a red feather boa and I was wearing it joking around about the things I could do with a boa. Somebody dared me to dance when one of my co-workers spouses arrived, which turned into a group chant until finally I agreed that I'd do it. She arrived (yes, it was a she, i think she may have been the guest of honour) and everyone was holding back giggles, smirking, the place quieted. The band stopped mid-song. And she's looking around like what's going on here. Almost miffed. And then the band starts the first bars of You Sexy Thing. It was hilarious. Like I was in the scene from The Full Monty when they're all waiting in the unemployment line. I woke up laughing before I got very far into the dance of the red feather boa.

This dream was probably brought on by all the sexy panty shopping last night coupled with thoughts of today's Mighty outing and after watching the episode of Weeds where Mary Louise does the brick dance.

Mood: pleasant
Drinking: coffee, black, seems i have gone black for good, good stuff!
Listening To: The Fray - How To Save A Life
via FoxyTunes
Hair: so frigging thick, i don't know what's going to become of it

We Get On

I'm having difficult sleeping. Getting to sleep. Staying asleep. Getting any rest with all the dreams swirling in my brain. Yes, there was a moon this week, not to mention a lunar eclipse, which we all know I'm highly influenced by. Still that's not all that's going on. I seem to be bothered.

A few years ago I looked up a woman who had made a big difference in my life when I was young. She influenced me, helped shaped me, I admired her, studied her, emulated her behaviour. I knew her during that awkward transition between teenager and adulthood. I was putty, becoming a woman, soaking up everything in the world around me and she was really the only strong woman I had in my life at that time. She taught me a lot about accepting responsibility for your own actions, about standing up for yourself and not letting people walk over you. I would be a completely different person today if I hadn't known her. Her impact on my life was huge. She left a permanent mark.

She was quite a bit older than me, closer to my mother's age than mine, and as I reached the age she had been when we met I felt the need as an adult woman to reach out and tell her exactly how much I appreciated all that she had done for me and to let her know she had been a major influence in my life, that she'd made a difference. She wasn't easily found, but hey, I've got a journalism degree! I was taught how to find people :-) So I found her and sent an email pouring out all my gratitude and thanks.

I don't know what I expected. Perhaps some new sage advice to help point me in the right direction in my current life. Maybe a funny exchange of email reminiscing about those crazy times. I don't know. But I expected something. I mean for over 15 years this woman was at the front of my mind, whispering guidance in my ear as I confronted and dealt with all kinds of unusual and mostly difficult situations. What would she do? was the constant question and I acted upon the answer. In some ways it was like our acquaintance never ended, but continued in my head all those years. So when I contacted this woman and she responded I expected something from her, something to validate all those years in my head. But what I got was nothing like expected. She barely remembered who I was. I had left very little lasting impression on her. There was no inspiring reconnection. There was no funny reminiscing. I was just a kid she worked with one time that she hadn't thought about in years. End of story.

This shocked me at first. How can someone be so important in your life and yet you don't even register in theirs? It was hurtful at first. I wished I hadn't reached out that I had just let my mind continue with its fantasies, gone to my grave wondering what ever happened to . . . I felt like my experience or at least my memory of the experience was a lie somehow, like it hadn't been what I thought it was. I felt foolish and stupid. It took a long time to get to a place where I understood where she was coming from. I mean I had been an 18 year old kid, what did I know? How could I possibly have taught her anything? And over the years how many young people have I worked closely with, perhaps impacted in some way without realizing? What would I do if one of them suddenly contacted me and I didn't remember them or just had some vague sort of recollection? Yeah, okay, I get it. And even this was a lesson from her. The last bit of mentoring. I realized I may have modeled my behaviour on her but sometime over the years I had become my own woman. I didn't need her whispering advice in my head anymore, because I could make my own decisions. Yes, I still think of her occasionally, but she's no longer taking up permanent residence in my frontal lobes, she's been relegated to the back rooms.

So, this week I can't sleep and some of it is due to the moon but some of it is due to my being bothered because it's happened again. I reconnected briefly with someone from the past. And everything I believed turned out to be a lie. I was forever changed, permanently scarred if you will, over something that wasn't even true, was in fact the polar opposite of the truth. And I can't stop thinking about it. And if that wasn't true, what other false things do I believe? Who else lied to me?

Mood: puzzled
Drinking: java juice
Listening To: Smashing Pumpkins - 1979
via FoxyTunes
Hair: soon gonna take the scissors to it

On Any Given Day

I went shopping last nite. Word to the wise: Do not go shopping when you're having a sweet tooth moment! All last week, every frigging day, I craved ice cream, chocolate bars, and multi-grain Tostitoes. And every day last week I refrained from going out to the Petro and indulging my craving. I exercised extreme willpower. Which all went up in smoke last night. Why is everything bad on sale? Or even worse, two for one? I won't list everything I bought, but suffice it to say I am without groceries, totally broke, and reduced to eating peanut M&Ms for supper . . . okay, maybe it's not quite that bad, but damn close! lol The good news is I got lots and lots of coffee! And I even got the fair trade stuff I really like but have only ever seen at Co-Op. Yay!

Despite my fall into the sugar pit, I'm feeling super fantastic! Finally, I'm able to harness some of this autumn energy in a good way generating ideas and excitement. Good stuff!

Of course, with a degraded diet and this yo-yo weather my arthritis is making itself known. But even that discomfort can't dampen today's high spirits. Am I on a sugar high? Hmm. Within the realm of possibility.

Exciting things afoot! Nothing I can talk about yet.

Mood: happy
Drinking: coffee, cheapo Compliments brand, regular grind, dark roast, black
Listening To: Goldfrapp - Beautiful
via FoxyTunes
Hair: looks pretty damn sweet in its new hat!