My apartment was broken into on the weekend. I don't know if anything was stolen. I am still in Miramichi and cannot return yet. I am stuck in Miramichi, trying to write overly optimistic crap, when my world is falling completely apart. I am homeless. I may have been robbed. I've certainly been violated. I don't want to stay in that mice infested place. I don't want to think about strangers (human) looking through all my stuff. I don't want to think about what may be missing or what might have been touched. I don't want to go back there. I can't find a fucking place here!! FUCK!!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!
My head is splitting. I've taken 1800mg of ibuprofen. I shouldn't have a headache. I shouldn't cry in the office. I should eat something. I should be writing. I just want to go to bed with my dog.
No more. Nothing else. Ok? I can't deal. Coping mechanism is at 0%.
Mood: beyond anything imaginable
Drinking: water
Listening To: mighty convos
Hair: crazy
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
Fleeing
I may be having some kind of . . . I don't know, emotional collapse, for lack of a better term and not wanting to toss around the very cliche and over-used "nervous breakdown."
Perhaps I'm just exhausted. I can count this week's hours of sleep on two hands and have fingers to spare.
Perhaps I'm just hungry. A couple of crackers and two butterfly cookies since . . . I don't remember . . . Tuesday? Isn't exactly nourishment.
This is a familiar feeling. This uncertainty. This foggyness. This used to be my life. I used to drift from devastation to devastation. But I thought I was done with all that. I thought I was done with sleeplessness and starvation and jumping at the slightest sound. I thought I was finished with bad nerves, and waking nightmares, and irrational thought processes. It's been awhile. I thought it was done.
I'm hormonal. In case you haven't guessed. Yes, "the curse" on top of all the other curses, how'd I get so lucky?
So nothing makes sense right now. I hope I'll get on the train today and the grey cloud will lift and I'll just be okay. I hope I'll get some food when I get there and some sleep tonight and tomorrow I'll be as good as new. I hope I don't fall apart as soon as I see a familiar face. I just don't want to cry in front of anyone. If I start, I mightn't stop. I feel very much alone right now. Very weak. Very much a failure. I very much want to leave these feelings here. Snap out of it. Move forward. Bygones.
That is all.
Mood: ---
Drinking: ---
Listening To: ---
Hair: ---
Perhaps I'm just exhausted. I can count this week's hours of sleep on two hands and have fingers to spare.
Perhaps I'm just hungry. A couple of crackers and two butterfly cookies since . . . I don't remember . . . Tuesday? Isn't exactly nourishment.
This is a familiar feeling. This uncertainty. This foggyness. This used to be my life. I used to drift from devastation to devastation. But I thought I was done with all that. I thought I was done with sleeplessness and starvation and jumping at the slightest sound. I thought I was finished with bad nerves, and waking nightmares, and irrational thought processes. It's been awhile. I thought it was done.
I'm hormonal. In case you haven't guessed. Yes, "the curse" on top of all the other curses, how'd I get so lucky?
So nothing makes sense right now. I hope I'll get on the train today and the grey cloud will lift and I'll just be okay. I hope I'll get some food when I get there and some sleep tonight and tomorrow I'll be as good as new. I hope I don't fall apart as soon as I see a familiar face. I just don't want to cry in front of anyone. If I start, I mightn't stop. I feel very much alone right now. Very weak. Very much a failure. I very much want to leave these feelings here. Snap out of it. Move forward. Bygones.
That is all.
Mood: ---
Drinking: ---
Listening To: ---
Hair: ---
Thursday, January 25, 2007
And the Lord Said . . .
Let there be mice! Okay, Goddess Universe, I get it, you can stop anytime now. I'm moving. I'm looking for a place. I'm leaving as soon as I possibly can. No need to send any more messengers. I'm outta here! There'll be no waiting on the income tax system to fund the trip. There'll be no waiting on warmer weather, less icy roads. The hunt for a new home begins tomorrow when I arrive in Miramichi and ends when I find a new place. I'm listening. No need to keep banging me on the head with this. I get it.
That is all.
Mood: rattled
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: the thermostat click on
Hair: getting a wash today, if nothing else
That is all.
Mood: rattled
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: the thermostat click on
Hair: getting a wash today, if nothing else
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Nocturnal
I may as well become a nocturnal creature. Like the damned critters living in my walls. I wish I knew what it was for sure . . . without letting them into the house. Is it bats? Sometimes it sounds pretty batty. Is it mice? Or moles? Or squirrels? Or a FLYING SQUIRREL?! That would explain both the batty and rodent like behaviour patterns. Whatever. I feel like I could strangle them with my bare hands. I sleep with the tv on, trying to drown out their scratchings. I move from the bed to the futon when they seem as if they're about to come through into my bedroom at any moment. I don't get any rest. I just get crankier and crankier. I can't even read. Blah! I'm tired.
Oscar nominations came out this morning. I didn't see the announcement. And the nominees for Best motion picture of the year are: Babel, The Departed, Letters from Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, and The Queen. I have seen only The Departed and Little Miss Sunshine, both of which I loved, for different reasons. Babel plays here in March as one of the Thursday night Film Society movies. The Queen was here before Xmas, but I didn't go. It's playing in Miramichi now though, so maybe I'll go this weekend. Yep, I'm going to the Miramichi this weekend. I had thought Thursday or Friday, now I'm thinking Friday . . . or Saturday. And that leaves Letters from Iwo Jima . . . not sure if it played anywhere. Maybe it will. One of my 101 Things is to see all the films nominated for Best Picture before the Academy Awards ceremony. Could this be the year for that? Stay tuned.
And that is all for . . . oh wait! Breaking news! This just in! A friend called me last night and invited me to go see a theatrical production. I shouldn't go. I'm swamped. But I'm going. Sometimes you just have to go. So we're going to see The Wizard of Oz. Should be fun.
EDIT at 12:25pm: By the way, George Stromboul . . . you know, the CBC guy with the really big name, said yesterday was Blue Monday, the most depressing day of the year. Did you survive? I think he was right. I nearly didn't survive. What a frigging depressing day!! Thank God I had good ole George to explain why.
Mood: semi-discouraged
Drinking: tea, King Cole
Listening To: clackity clack
Hair: mums the word
Oscar nominations came out this morning. I didn't see the announcement. And the nominees for Best motion picture of the year are: Babel, The Departed, Letters from Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, and The Queen. I have seen only The Departed and Little Miss Sunshine, both of which I loved, for different reasons. Babel plays here in March as one of the Thursday night Film Society movies. The Queen was here before Xmas, but I didn't go. It's playing in Miramichi now though, so maybe I'll go this weekend. Yep, I'm going to the Miramichi this weekend. I had thought Thursday or Friday, now I'm thinking Friday . . . or Saturday. And that leaves Letters from Iwo Jima . . . not sure if it played anywhere. Maybe it will. One of my 101 Things is to see all the films nominated for Best Picture before the Academy Awards ceremony. Could this be the year for that? Stay tuned.
And that is all for . . . oh wait! Breaking news! This just in! A friend called me last night and invited me to go see a theatrical production. I shouldn't go. I'm swamped. But I'm going. Sometimes you just have to go. So we're going to see The Wizard of Oz. Should be fun.
EDIT at 12:25pm: By the way, George Stromboul . . . you know, the CBC guy with the really big name, said yesterday was Blue Monday, the most depressing day of the year. Did you survive? I think he was right. I nearly didn't survive. What a frigging depressing day!! Thank God I had good ole George to explain why.
Mood: semi-discouraged
Drinking: tea, King Cole
Listening To: clackity clack
Hair: mums the word
Monday, January 22, 2007
Not
Not a good day to begin a fast. Maybe I can do some prep to begin next week? Maybe. Yeah, that's a solid plan. Too much on the go mental-wise at this time on so many levels to focus on such a task. It's supposed to be a therapeutic, cleansing, even spiritual experience . . . I think I need more wits about me to reap the benefits.
Last night I missed Studio 60 so I could watch The Robber Bride on CBC. It's one of the few Margaret Atwood books that I love. Nix that. It's the ONLY Margaret Atwood book that I love, one of the few that I actually enjoy. The movie was a bit of a disappointment to say the least, as is usually the case with books you love being taken into film. Albeit it's been a few years since I've given the novel a reading (but I've read it several times since I first picked it up). . . but I don't recall the male perspective being the central focus. Why did they take a story about women and make it a man thing? The best thing about the whole movie was the casting. The casting was done well. What they did to the story, totally sucked. Did Atwood have any say in this thing at all? I think if I ever should have a work that people want to turn into movies I will be reluctant to sign away the rights and have no say. Surely you don't have to be J.K. Rowling in order to have a say.
I need to read the novel again. Damn movie people!
So, I should've watched Studio 60 last night, because a) I like this show, b) the movie really pissed me off, and c) although the Studio 60 episode does air again tonight it runs opposite What About Brian . . . and I don't miss What About Brian for anything. Sorry, Studio 60. I promise never to abandon you on Sunday night again for some cheesy made for tv movie.
This Monday night is shaping up to be a big tv night (and I need to focus elsewhere, NOT watch tv right now) with a new episode of 24 being on also. I like 24. I like it a lot. Yet, I'm not die hard loyal. If I'm working, I don't fret about missing it. Last season I watched the first half dozen or so episodes and then fell out of it altogether. I foresee that happening again this year. It's only a little weird. I'm only a little weird.
Mood: cranky
Drinking: water
Listening To: typing fingers
Hair: i cannot talk about my hair right now
Last night I missed Studio 60 so I could watch The Robber Bride on CBC. It's one of the few Margaret Atwood books that I love. Nix that. It's the ONLY Margaret Atwood book that I love, one of the few that I actually enjoy. The movie was a bit of a disappointment to say the least, as is usually the case with books you love being taken into film. Albeit it's been a few years since I've given the novel a reading (but I've read it several times since I first picked it up). . . but I don't recall the male perspective being the central focus. Why did they take a story about women and make it a man thing? The best thing about the whole movie was the casting. The casting was done well. What they did to the story, totally sucked. Did Atwood have any say in this thing at all? I think if I ever should have a work that people want to turn into movies I will be reluctant to sign away the rights and have no say. Surely you don't have to be J.K. Rowling in order to have a say.
I need to read the novel again. Damn movie people!
So, I should've watched Studio 60 last night, because a) I like this show, b) the movie really pissed me off, and c) although the Studio 60 episode does air again tonight it runs opposite What About Brian . . . and I don't miss What About Brian for anything. Sorry, Studio 60. I promise never to abandon you on Sunday night again for some cheesy made for tv movie.
This Monday night is shaping up to be a big tv night (and I need to focus elsewhere, NOT watch tv right now) with a new episode of 24 being on also. I like 24. I like it a lot. Yet, I'm not die hard loyal. If I'm working, I don't fret about missing it. Last season I watched the first half dozen or so episodes and then fell out of it altogether. I foresee that happening again this year. It's only a little weird. I'm only a little weird.
Mood: cranky
Drinking: water
Listening To: typing fingers
Hair: i cannot talk about my hair right now
Fasting
So for awhile now I've wanted to do a cleansing fast. It may even be on my list of 101 things to do. I should check. There are some things on that list that I have to scratch off as impossible because they are Sackville related and I won't have another opportunity with the move to Miramichi coming up. So, I have room for replacement items. If a fast isn't already there, I'll slip it in.
I kinda want to do it this week, but I'm a little concerned I won't be able to work if I do that, so I don't know. And I'm reluctant to give up coffee, right now. And there's no fast in the world that includes caffeine, I'm sure. I googled and found out that basically I just need to drink water and juice. There's all kinds of crazy stuff you can mix up to drink, and plans to follow and all that, but I just want something simple. I just want to detoxify my body. You can do a fast just on water (you need to stay hydrated) but if you do it apparently gets unpleasant very quickly and you go into ketosis. Not sure I want that. If you drink a lot of juice in your fast as well, all-natural, not artificially sweetened, the natural sugars in the fruit help bring the toxins out. Which basically means there's a lot of crap happening in the bathroom :-)
Any fasting is supposed to have an undeniable spiritual aspect. It should help me to get centred and focus and understand some things or figure things out or . . . I dunno, I've never done it before. But I'm keen to try. I think shedding some poisons might be a good thing. So, either this week or next. Very soon. I suppose it depends upon when I'm going back to the river. I've said maybe this Friday . . . so that's probably not enough time to do a decent fast, I'd be a wreck by the time I caught the train.
Some people do a fast with the change of every season, others do it once a year, like spring cleaning. The people who do it, swear by it, as a way to detox the body. I'm very curious about it, the difference it might make, how it will make me feel. I mean Jesus did it . . . so there's got to be something to it, right?
Mood: pondering
Drinking: undecided
Listening To: nothing in particular, peace is a blessing
Hair: pulled off my face
I kinda want to do it this week, but I'm a little concerned I won't be able to work if I do that, so I don't know. And I'm reluctant to give up coffee, right now. And there's no fast in the world that includes caffeine, I'm sure. I googled and found out that basically I just need to drink water and juice. There's all kinds of crazy stuff you can mix up to drink, and plans to follow and all that, but I just want something simple. I just want to detoxify my body. You can do a fast just on water (you need to stay hydrated) but if you do it apparently gets unpleasant very quickly and you go into ketosis. Not sure I want that. If you drink a lot of juice in your fast as well, all-natural, not artificially sweetened, the natural sugars in the fruit help bring the toxins out. Which basically means there's a lot of crap happening in the bathroom :-)
Any fasting is supposed to have an undeniable spiritual aspect. It should help me to get centred and focus and understand some things or figure things out or . . . I dunno, I've never done it before. But I'm keen to try. I think shedding some poisons might be a good thing. So, either this week or next. Very soon. I suppose it depends upon when I'm going back to the river. I've said maybe this Friday . . . so that's probably not enough time to do a decent fast, I'd be a wreck by the time I caught the train.
Some people do a fast with the change of every season, others do it once a year, like spring cleaning. The people who do it, swear by it, as a way to detox the body. I'm very curious about it, the difference it might make, how it will make me feel. I mean Jesus did it . . . so there's got to be something to it, right?
Mood: pondering
Drinking: undecided
Listening To: nothing in particular, peace is a blessing
Hair: pulled off my face
Sunday, January 21, 2007
I Been Streeped
So I've been watching a lot of movies this weekend. It's kinda funny. I think it's part of my "process." Because I am writing stories for the February BnM. I am editing stories for the February BnM. It's almost February and I should be working on these stories every waking moment of my day . . . but I'm watching movies. (And we won't talk about the junk food being consumed while I'm watching movies, because I refuse to acknowledge that's happening. Ignore, ignore, ignore.)
So Friday night when I'm at the computer actually working I have the tv on behind me, that show with Anne Heche in Alaska or someplace. I don't think I've ever seen a complete episode. Anyway, in the show she's a writer/radio talk show host and she's working on a book for her publisher. She's got to have chapters done to show very soon. She's on deadline. And she's cleaning her house from top to bottom, cleaning out the fridge, volunteering to work rummage sales . . . doing just about anything but work on her book. It's her process, she says. Another woman, who I thought was also a writer (but that'd be kind of weird maybe, to have so many hip lady writers in this out of the way freezing mountain town), so she was probably something else, anyway, she commiserated saying she once did something outrageous to avoid doing her thing too.
And I think to myself . . . MY GAWD! They're talking about me. These people get me. And far be it from me to ignore such a revelation, so I turn off the computer and give the show my full attention. I mean, they get me, they really get me, THIS is important.
It's hard to follow a series when they're at least a half season in and you haven't seen a single episode. But even with this obstacle I managed to extract something of value for my life. So she does her chapters, sends them to her publisher (who is very cute and single and obviously digging her on a completely different level, what's not to love about that?) and he comes to the small town to discuss. Basically he tells her it's superficial crap, she's skimming the surface, and she needs to stop being afraid and let herself feel the work, or work out her feelings through the work. The problem is, she isn't in it.
Lightbulb! I know this about one of my stories, Katt's Lives, but now I see where I've been doing it all along in all the stories. I've been holding back. I can see it. I know where. I know why. And I know what I need to do. Revelation!
And of course, now, while I'm on serious BnM deadline, is the perfect time to go work on all that other stuff.
Nah, just kidding. Instead, I watch movies. Friday night I watched The Deer Hunter, which I mentioned already. I had seen it before but I think I missed the beginning and it was a long time ago, so I'd pretty much forgotten anything I knew about it. Last night I watched Derailed with Clive Owen & Jennifer Aniston . . . which seemed really familiar to me, but I don't think I've seen, which was a little weird. But likely means the plot is very predictable . . . or maybe it's some kind of a remake. Then I watched The Devil Wears Prada, which was predictable but funny too and I guess you can never hear that message about doing what you want to do, that you always have a choice, enough.
Meryl Streep is in The Deer Hunter. It's not a super huge role, because the film centres around the men's friendship, but still, she's a pivotal character as the love interest of both Christopher Walken and Robert DeNiro. In The Devil Wears Prada Meryl Streep plays the dragon lady boss, editor of the fashion magazine. So, when I looked at the next movie I had lined up for last evening, A Prairie Home Companion, I stopped for a couple of seconds to consider whether I could handle anymore Meryl Streep. But here's the thing about her, she's actually an actor. She rarely plays the same type of character. Accents change from movie to movie. She can be strong and bitchy or strong and salt of the earth. Or weak. Or funny. Or sad. Sometimes you pity her, sometimes you want to strangle her, sometimes you cheer her on. So I didn't think it'd matter that I'd just had a double dose of Meryl and I put in the third movie. I love the way Robert Altman shot things. He was such a master of the whole upstairs/downstairs thing. A Prairie Home Companion is funny and entertaining and thoroughly enjoyable. I want to do a live radio variety show! How much fun is that?!
But back to Meryl Streep. Her character in this movie was nothing like in The Devil Wears Prada, was probably closer to the girl she played in The Deer Hunter, though not really. And seeing her in so many things (and having seen her in so many more over the years) got me thinking about actresses and the roles they play and I tried to think of another actress who truly . . . I dunno . . . acts . . . and I drew a blank.
There's Hilary Swank, who seems to win an Oscar with every movie she's in, but essentially plays butchy girls with strong wills and a sensitive side . . . or probably a version of herself. When you see that Diane Keaton is going to be in a movie, you pretty much know what you're getting, you're getting Diane Keaton. Not that I don't love most everything she does, but has she done anything where she wasn't herself? Like Drew Barrymore. I love Drew Barrymore. But when I go see a movie she's in, I expect to see Drew Barrymore, not a Russian accented con-artist seductress. Other actresses like Rene Zellweger and Nicole Kidman have done some parts that weren't completely the same character, but the majority are the same person.
And I don't know if this is a problem of type casting, or of actresses not taking chances with roles, or not wanting to challenge themselves, or what. But I thought about it, and thought about it, and thought about it some more, and I couldn't think of another Hollywood actress like Meryl Streep, who bounces effortlessly from comedy to suspense to drama, carries a satchel of accents at her side, does fat, thin, older, younger, blonde, brown, black, grey, red head, and manages to become somebody new nearly every time. I guess this is why she's considered by many to be the best.
It's interesting, the thoughts you'll have, when you're working your "process."
Mood: bloated
Drinking: cold coffee
Listening To: the people living in the walls
Hair: bandanna bound
So Friday night when I'm at the computer actually working I have the tv on behind me, that show with Anne Heche in Alaska or someplace. I don't think I've ever seen a complete episode. Anyway, in the show she's a writer/radio talk show host and she's working on a book for her publisher. She's got to have chapters done to show very soon. She's on deadline. And she's cleaning her house from top to bottom, cleaning out the fridge, volunteering to work rummage sales . . . doing just about anything but work on her book. It's her process, she says. Another woman, who I thought was also a writer (but that'd be kind of weird maybe, to have so many hip lady writers in this out of the way freezing mountain town), so she was probably something else, anyway, she commiserated saying she once did something outrageous to avoid doing her thing too.
And I think to myself . . . MY GAWD! They're talking about me. These people get me. And far be it from me to ignore such a revelation, so I turn off the computer and give the show my full attention. I mean, they get me, they really get me, THIS is important.
It's hard to follow a series when they're at least a half season in and you haven't seen a single episode. But even with this obstacle I managed to extract something of value for my life. So she does her chapters, sends them to her publisher (who is very cute and single and obviously digging her on a completely different level, what's not to love about that?) and he comes to the small town to discuss. Basically he tells her it's superficial crap, she's skimming the surface, and she needs to stop being afraid and let herself feel the work, or work out her feelings through the work. The problem is, she isn't in it.
Lightbulb! I know this about one of my stories, Katt's Lives, but now I see where I've been doing it all along in all the stories. I've been holding back. I can see it. I know where. I know why. And I know what I need to do. Revelation!
And of course, now, while I'm on serious BnM deadline, is the perfect time to go work on all that other stuff.
Nah, just kidding. Instead, I watch movies. Friday night I watched The Deer Hunter, which I mentioned already. I had seen it before but I think I missed the beginning and it was a long time ago, so I'd pretty much forgotten anything I knew about it. Last night I watched Derailed with Clive Owen & Jennifer Aniston . . . which seemed really familiar to me, but I don't think I've seen, which was a little weird. But likely means the plot is very predictable . . . or maybe it's some kind of a remake. Then I watched The Devil Wears Prada, which was predictable but funny too and I guess you can never hear that message about doing what you want to do, that you always have a choice, enough.
Meryl Streep is in The Deer Hunter. It's not a super huge role, because the film centres around the men's friendship, but still, she's a pivotal character as the love interest of both Christopher Walken and Robert DeNiro. In The Devil Wears Prada Meryl Streep plays the dragon lady boss, editor of the fashion magazine. So, when I looked at the next movie I had lined up for last evening, A Prairie Home Companion, I stopped for a couple of seconds to consider whether I could handle anymore Meryl Streep. But here's the thing about her, she's actually an actor. She rarely plays the same type of character. Accents change from movie to movie. She can be strong and bitchy or strong and salt of the earth. Or weak. Or funny. Or sad. Sometimes you pity her, sometimes you want to strangle her, sometimes you cheer her on. So I didn't think it'd matter that I'd just had a double dose of Meryl and I put in the third movie. I love the way Robert Altman shot things. He was such a master of the whole upstairs/downstairs thing. A Prairie Home Companion is funny and entertaining and thoroughly enjoyable. I want to do a live radio variety show! How much fun is that?!
But back to Meryl Streep. Her character in this movie was nothing like in The Devil Wears Prada, was probably closer to the girl she played in The Deer Hunter, though not really. And seeing her in so many things (and having seen her in so many more over the years) got me thinking about actresses and the roles they play and I tried to think of another actress who truly . . . I dunno . . . acts . . . and I drew a blank.
There's Hilary Swank, who seems to win an Oscar with every movie she's in, but essentially plays butchy girls with strong wills and a sensitive side . . . or probably a version of herself. When you see that Diane Keaton is going to be in a movie, you pretty much know what you're getting, you're getting Diane Keaton. Not that I don't love most everything she does, but has she done anything where she wasn't herself? Like Drew Barrymore. I love Drew Barrymore. But when I go see a movie she's in, I expect to see Drew Barrymore, not a Russian accented con-artist seductress. Other actresses like Rene Zellweger and Nicole Kidman have done some parts that weren't completely the same character, but the majority are the same person.
And I don't know if this is a problem of type casting, or of actresses not taking chances with roles, or not wanting to challenge themselves, or what. But I thought about it, and thought about it, and thought about it some more, and I couldn't think of another Hollywood actress like Meryl Streep, who bounces effortlessly from comedy to suspense to drama, carries a satchel of accents at her side, does fat, thin, older, younger, blonde, brown, black, grey, red head, and manages to become somebody new nearly every time. I guess this is why she's considered by many to be the best.
It's interesting, the thoughts you'll have, when you're working your "process."
Mood: bloated
Drinking: cold coffee
Listening To: the people living in the walls
Hair: bandanna bound
Saturday, January 20, 2007
A Meme Day
Because I'm feeling very uninspired, uncreative and just plain lazy.
If moolah were not an object...
1. ... what computer would you buy?
MacBook Pro
2. ... what cell phone would you want to have?
None. I hate cellphones.
3. ... what vehicle would you own?
Limo and driver.
4. ... which one designer would you get a whole new wardrobe from?
Versace
5. ... what charity would you support for life?
Diabetes
*****
Which television shows do you just refuse to miss?
Right now . . . only Cornation Street. I'm sorry, but I'm just not hooked on anything really. All the ones I was following have ended their seasons.
Who did you last speak to on the telephone?
The Sears Lady
How many pillows do you keep on your bed?
Three . . . and I need to get more
Name one addition to your computer (software, hardware, etc.) that you'd love to have.
DVD player/burner
What is your favorite foreign food?
Oh boy! I love so much, this is tough . . . Anything curried, anything with rice
*****
Are you fascinated by any particular culture of another country? What about it grabs your attention?
I'm fascinated by Italy, in particular the art, food, wine, history. The Romans are an ancient civilization. There is just so much there. Though I've heard Rome is no city for a Canadian girl on her own. I am more drawn to Florence and vineyards and cobble-stoned villages in the countryside, than the big city. Though I want to see all of it.
Have you been able to visit that area?
Not yet, but I have a plan to get there one day.
I am coming to your area. Name 3 things I should do or visit and why?
This is hard because I don't even know this area very well myself. But when in Sackville, you must visit:
1. The Olive Branch Restaurant -- because they simply make the best cheesecake. They also have a good wine selection and some great single malts and cocktails. I've never had a pizza there (MY GOD! I need to do that and soon!) but they do a whole grain crust and you get to build your own with some interesting sauces and toppings.
2. The Waterfowl Park -- because plopped right into the middle of the town is this beautiful slice of nature. Many kilometres of hiking trails and boardwalks through marshland where you'll see birds you've never seen before, and lots of them! Also the odd muskrat, beaver, snake, insects, and who knows what else. In the evening the air over the marsh blackens with bats, and you may see a ghost walking with her lamp.
3. Mount Allison University -- Ok, this is a bit of a cheat so that I can mention many things you should see like the Swan Pond, the Owens Art Gallery, and the university Chapel. Just walking around the university grounds is very nice because it is one of the most beautiful universities I've seen. Much, much nicer than the two in Fredericton.
Honourable Mentions (I know, I'm probably not allowed) -- Mel's Diner, The Bridge Street Cafe, The Marshland's Inn, The Vogue Theatre, Rags of Time Bookstore, Salvation Army Thrift Store, Sackville Harness Shop, Movie Experts, The Craft Gallery, Struts Artist Run Centre . . . just come see everything, okay.
If you could visit any 3 places in your own country, where would you go and why?
1. St. John's, Newfoundland -- because I've never been and I don't know that I'll ever have an excuse to go. But I've met a lot of people from there who are just so wonderful, and I've read so much literature that I love written by Newfoundlanders.
2. Dawson City, Yukon -- Home of Pierre Burton. Need I say more. It's cold, it's out of the way, it's not over-populated . . . this is a Kellie town if ever there was.
3. Banff, Alberta -- Again, I've never been and I just think I would be inspired there. Who knows, I may even give skiing another shot . . . NOT! :-) But I know it's very beautiful and it's an artistic/cultural kind of mecca, so I would like to go one day, even to take a workshop through the Banff Centre.
*****
Name seven celebrities whom you'd be happy to go a year without hearing another word about.
1. Britney Spears
2. Paris Hilton
3. Lindsey Lohan
4. Nicole Ritchie
5. Victoria Beckham
6. Tom Cruise
7. The Olsen Twins
And many, many more!
Mood: blah-zay
Drinking: what do you think?
Listening To: i'm off tunes for awhile i think
Hair: needs a make-over
If moolah were not an object...
1. ... what computer would you buy?
MacBook Pro
2. ... what cell phone would you want to have?
None. I hate cellphones.
3. ... what vehicle would you own?
Limo and driver.
4. ... which one designer would you get a whole new wardrobe from?
Versace
5. ... what charity would you support for life?
Diabetes
*****
Which television shows do you just refuse to miss?
Right now . . . only Cornation Street. I'm sorry, but I'm just not hooked on anything really. All the ones I was following have ended their seasons.
Who did you last speak to on the telephone?
The Sears Lady
How many pillows do you keep on your bed?
Three . . . and I need to get more
Name one addition to your computer (software, hardware, etc.) that you'd love to have.
DVD player/burner
What is your favorite foreign food?
Oh boy! I love so much, this is tough . . . Anything curried, anything with rice
*****
Are you fascinated by any particular culture of another country? What about it grabs your attention?
I'm fascinated by Italy, in particular the art, food, wine, history. The Romans are an ancient civilization. There is just so much there. Though I've heard Rome is no city for a Canadian girl on her own. I am more drawn to Florence and vineyards and cobble-stoned villages in the countryside, than the big city. Though I want to see all of it.
Have you been able to visit that area?
Not yet, but I have a plan to get there one day.
I am coming to your area. Name 3 things I should do or visit and why?
This is hard because I don't even know this area very well myself. But when in Sackville, you must visit:
1. The Olive Branch Restaurant -- because they simply make the best cheesecake. They also have a good wine selection and some great single malts and cocktails. I've never had a pizza there (MY GOD! I need to do that and soon!) but they do a whole grain crust and you get to build your own with some interesting sauces and toppings.
2. The Waterfowl Park -- because plopped right into the middle of the town is this beautiful slice of nature. Many kilometres of hiking trails and boardwalks through marshland where you'll see birds you've never seen before, and lots of them! Also the odd muskrat, beaver, snake, insects, and who knows what else. In the evening the air over the marsh blackens with bats, and you may see a ghost walking with her lamp.
3. Mount Allison University -- Ok, this is a bit of a cheat so that I can mention many things you should see like the Swan Pond, the Owens Art Gallery, and the university Chapel. Just walking around the university grounds is very nice because it is one of the most beautiful universities I've seen. Much, much nicer than the two in Fredericton.
Honourable Mentions (I know, I'm probably not allowed) -- Mel's Diner, The Bridge Street Cafe, The Marshland's Inn, The Vogue Theatre, Rags of Time Bookstore, Salvation Army Thrift Store, Sackville Harness Shop, Movie Experts, The Craft Gallery, Struts Artist Run Centre . . . just come see everything, okay.
If you could visit any 3 places in your own country, where would you go and why?
1. St. John's, Newfoundland -- because I've never been and I don't know that I'll ever have an excuse to go. But I've met a lot of people from there who are just so wonderful, and I've read so much literature that I love written by Newfoundlanders.
2. Dawson City, Yukon -- Home of Pierre Burton. Need I say more. It's cold, it's out of the way, it's not over-populated . . . this is a Kellie town if ever there was.
3. Banff, Alberta -- Again, I've never been and I just think I would be inspired there. Who knows, I may even give skiing another shot . . . NOT! :-) But I know it's very beautiful and it's an artistic/cultural kind of mecca, so I would like to go one day, even to take a workshop through the Banff Centre.
*****
Name seven celebrities whom you'd be happy to go a year without hearing another word about.
1. Britney Spears
2. Paris Hilton
3. Lindsey Lohan
4. Nicole Ritchie
5. Victoria Beckham
6. Tom Cruise
7. The Olsen Twins
And many, many more!
Mood: blah-zay
Drinking: what do you think?
Listening To: i'm off tunes for awhile i think
Hair: needs a make-over
Friday, January 19, 2007
Silly Dreams
I was dreaming something. Something bothersome. But then I got up and life sucked me in and the dream nagged a little, but couldn't withstand hours of chats and phone calls and emails and other writings. It just wasn't that strong. Oh well, it's probably not important.
Woke up to dirty water. I hate that. The water is a problem here, with the town. You just never know when it's going to dirty up and when it'll be good. I hope it doesn't last long.
So last night I went to dinner with friends. It was lovely! Salad, chili, cheesecake, wine, coffee . . . does it get any better than that? I don't think so. And then we went to the movies and saw Volver with Penelope Cruz. I really enjoyed this film. It's a keeper, one to buy the dvd. This movie is a lot of fun. There are many intentional laughs and then maybe some that are not so intentional but funny to a non-Spanish audience just because of the culture difference.
I think I liked it so much because writer/director, Pedro Almodóvar, takes a very sort of serious and sometimes dark subject matter and it's not that he brushes over it lightly, but he infuses humour into it, which for me makes it bearable. A serious film turning on the same plot, might have been equally if not even more powerful, but I don't think you'd leave the movie theatre with a smile, having had a good time. At the end of this movie, you're left with a sense of optimism, that yes, bad things happen, life has unexpected turns, we've all got family issues that need dealing with, but if you keep an open mind, do what you have to do, it can all work out for the best.
See this movie, if you haven't.
It's raining here. Raining and taking away all the snow :-( This is the place that winter never comes. It's no wonder I can't live here anymore.
Mood: grey, like the scene thru the skylight
Drinking: caramel, not flavoured, but coloured like, coffee
Listening To: white, noise
Hair: grey again
Woke up to dirty water. I hate that. The water is a problem here, with the town. You just never know when it's going to dirty up and when it'll be good. I hope it doesn't last long.
So last night I went to dinner with friends. It was lovely! Salad, chili, cheesecake, wine, coffee . . . does it get any better than that? I don't think so. And then we went to the movies and saw Volver with Penelope Cruz. I really enjoyed this film. It's a keeper, one to buy the dvd. This movie is a lot of fun. There are many intentional laughs and then maybe some that are not so intentional but funny to a non-Spanish audience just because of the culture difference.
I think I liked it so much because writer/director, Pedro Almodóvar, takes a very sort of serious and sometimes dark subject matter and it's not that he brushes over it lightly, but he infuses humour into it, which for me makes it bearable. A serious film turning on the same plot, might have been equally if not even more powerful, but I don't think you'd leave the movie theatre with a smile, having had a good time. At the end of this movie, you're left with a sense of optimism, that yes, bad things happen, life has unexpected turns, we've all got family issues that need dealing with, but if you keep an open mind, do what you have to do, it can all work out for the best.
See this movie, if you haven't.
It's raining here. Raining and taking away all the snow :-( This is the place that winter never comes. It's no wonder I can't live here anymore.
Mood: grey, like the scene thru the skylight
Drinking: caramel, not flavoured, but coloured like, coffee
Listening To: white, noise
Hair: grey again
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Time Cures All
Thank the Goddess! The pain situation improves. The flare is not completely over. And I'm so rarely totally pain-free that I remember those days like special occasions. But I am much improved today, and I haven't degenerated into a two-handed door opener, which was my fear. I noticed myself starting to get better a little after lunch yesterday. Normally as the day progresses I do get less stiff, less pain, just on a regular typical everyday. But when I'm in flare, I can get worse, which is what was going on the past couple of days. Yay! The worse is over for now. I seemed to get more work done yesterday too, which was good. Cuz I'm starting to freak out a little.
Today I will go outside and walk to the post office and the cafe and go to dinner and a movie. This is good.
Last night I watched Transamerica with Felicity Huffman. She's a woman playing a man being a woman, trans-gendered is the term I believe. She was up for a lot of awards last year, and won a few, but still I thought I'd have a hard time getting past the fact that she is really a woman to begin with. It's very interesting though, I was skeptical but she had me believing within the first 10 minutes. It's a good movie. Funny by times. Interesting. See it, if you haven't already. Though I'm likely the last person on earth who hasn't.
Tonight I am going to see Volver with Penelope Cruz. Should be good. It was up for awards recently at the Golden Globes. I don't really have time to go to movies, to be watching DVDs. But sometimes you just gotta take the couple of hours and do these things so you can return refreshed to your tasks. Like last night, I got a lot of work done after I watched the movie. So that was good. Going out tonight and seeing people and having real adult face to face conversation will stimulate some brain cells maybe.
I've been concerned lately about my brain cells. I seem to be forgetful or something. Lots of things on the tip of my tongue that I can never spit out. Knowing what word I want to use and not being able to remember what it is, having to look it up in the reverse dictionary by its meaning. Forgetting simple spellings and having to check. So, I've started taking folic acid every day. Will add more brain foods to my diet like blueberries. And I've started doing a Sudoku Puzzle online every morning.
It was not easy to get myself to do this because we all know how much I dislike numbers and figuring things out like that. Crosswords, yes. Anagrams, no. In the beginning I couldn't solve a puzzle correctly to save my soul (or my brain, as the case might be). Even the single star easy puzzles took a good half hour to 45 minutes to figure out correctly, if I could even do it at all. This was before Christmas sometime, when I decided this would be a good mind exercise for me.
They put a new sudoku on Pogo everyday, just one. So now I'm so much improved at these things that when I go there in the morning to do the new one I'm often disappointed if the puzzle is only rated one or two stars difficulty because that's too easy. I'll have it done in five minutes. Now, I love to see four of five stars shaded in.
I keep seeing sudoku puzzle books at magazine stands, but I haven't purchased one. I talk out loud when I do them. Talk to myself. Figure it all out orally . . . which would not be good for the train and I don't really have time to do any more than the one I do now at home. Though it might be nice to have some to do while I was in Miramichi. Yeah, I should buy a book.
Yesterday I made guacamole (yes, again, I need the nutrients in avocados) and salsa. Yum, yum, yummy! Mom got me this Miracle Blender thing for Christmas that I've been dying to try ever since, but just couldn't seem to find the time. Making these things from scratch, actually takes a bit more time than just popping some toast or throwing a potato into the microwave. And I've been in a crunch. Plus my kitchen has been in a perpetual state of disaster these past couple of weeks, so I haven't been willing to throw new appliances into that mix. Until yesterday.
I made the cutest little cup of salsa! The cup that you put your ingredients in to chop and mix also serves as a storage container. There are lids and everything. There's a blender base and then all these attachments. I guess this would be the generic brand of the Bullet that I saw on the TV infomercial awhile back. It worked fantastic for the salsa! Though I didn't have my bearings and went a little too fine this time. The avocado proved to be too . . . thick? dense? There are two blades though, and I might have been using the wrong one. So, after a few tries I did the guacamole in the manual food processor that Stacy gave me.
Still, it was fun and the result is so delicious. Eventually I want to make a lot of my own condiments, like peanut butter and ketchup, because then you can control the ingredients, the sugar, and it's all natural and fresh and has to be healthier for you. I had some of the salsa with my eggs this morning, instead of ketchup. Of course, the last time I bought ketchup there was a sale so I have a couple of bottles here that I do have to use up before I can go au natural.
I'm looking forward to making some smoothies using the blender attachment and also some juices . . . because apparently it's a juicer too. How cool is that?
And that's my ramble for today. Adios amigos.
Mood: chipper
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: humming, ice sliding off the roof
Hair: gawd!
Today I will go outside and walk to the post office and the cafe and go to dinner and a movie. This is good.
Last night I watched Transamerica with Felicity Huffman. She's a woman playing a man being a woman, trans-gendered is the term I believe. She was up for a lot of awards last year, and won a few, but still I thought I'd have a hard time getting past the fact that she is really a woman to begin with. It's very interesting though, I was skeptical but she had me believing within the first 10 minutes. It's a good movie. Funny by times. Interesting. See it, if you haven't already. Though I'm likely the last person on earth who hasn't.
Tonight I am going to see Volver with Penelope Cruz. Should be good. It was up for awards recently at the Golden Globes. I don't really have time to go to movies, to be watching DVDs. But sometimes you just gotta take the couple of hours and do these things so you can return refreshed to your tasks. Like last night, I got a lot of work done after I watched the movie. So that was good. Going out tonight and seeing people and having real adult face to face conversation will stimulate some brain cells maybe.
I've been concerned lately about my brain cells. I seem to be forgetful or something. Lots of things on the tip of my tongue that I can never spit out. Knowing what word I want to use and not being able to remember what it is, having to look it up in the reverse dictionary by its meaning. Forgetting simple spellings and having to check. So, I've started taking folic acid every day. Will add more brain foods to my diet like blueberries. And I've started doing a Sudoku Puzzle online every morning.
It was not easy to get myself to do this because we all know how much I dislike numbers and figuring things out like that. Crosswords, yes. Anagrams, no. In the beginning I couldn't solve a puzzle correctly to save my soul (or my brain, as the case might be). Even the single star easy puzzles took a good half hour to 45 minutes to figure out correctly, if I could even do it at all. This was before Christmas sometime, when I decided this would be a good mind exercise for me.
They put a new sudoku on Pogo everyday, just one. So now I'm so much improved at these things that when I go there in the morning to do the new one I'm often disappointed if the puzzle is only rated one or two stars difficulty because that's too easy. I'll have it done in five minutes. Now, I love to see four of five stars shaded in.
I keep seeing sudoku puzzle books at magazine stands, but I haven't purchased one. I talk out loud when I do them. Talk to myself. Figure it all out orally . . . which would not be good for the train and I don't really have time to do any more than the one I do now at home. Though it might be nice to have some to do while I was in Miramichi. Yeah, I should buy a book.
Yesterday I made guacamole (yes, again, I need the nutrients in avocados) and salsa. Yum, yum, yummy! Mom got me this Miracle Blender thing for Christmas that I've been dying to try ever since, but just couldn't seem to find the time. Making these things from scratch, actually takes a bit more time than just popping some toast or throwing a potato into the microwave. And I've been in a crunch. Plus my kitchen has been in a perpetual state of disaster these past couple of weeks, so I haven't been willing to throw new appliances into that mix. Until yesterday.
I made the cutest little cup of salsa! The cup that you put your ingredients in to chop and mix also serves as a storage container. There are lids and everything. There's a blender base and then all these attachments. I guess this would be the generic brand of the Bullet that I saw on the TV infomercial awhile back. It worked fantastic for the salsa! Though I didn't have my bearings and went a little too fine this time. The avocado proved to be too . . . thick? dense? There are two blades though, and I might have been using the wrong one. So, after a few tries I did the guacamole in the manual food processor that Stacy gave me.
Still, it was fun and the result is so delicious. Eventually I want to make a lot of my own condiments, like peanut butter and ketchup, because then you can control the ingredients, the sugar, and it's all natural and fresh and has to be healthier for you. I had some of the salsa with my eggs this morning, instead of ketchup. Of course, the last time I bought ketchup there was a sale so I have a couple of bottles here that I do have to use up before I can go au natural.
I'm looking forward to making some smoothies using the blender attachment and also some juices . . . because apparently it's a juicer too. How cool is that?
And that's my ramble for today. Adios amigos.
Mood: chipper
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: humming, ice sliding off the roof
Hair: gawd!
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
And the Beat Rolls On
Woke up in pain. Last night I took Ibuprofen in order to get comfortable enough to sleep. May have to take more this morning in order to loosen up my fingers enough to write semi-comfortably. The back seems like a big problem today. Back, legs and hands. This sucks. Not in a poor me kind of way though, I'm not coming down with a case of the poor measles. It really just makes me more angry than anything else. The fact that I can do nothing but try to get through without further aggravating and just wait for the flare to subside. Speaking with Mom last night she said the granddaughter of a woman at work has been bothered this week too. She is so bad she can't go to school, can't turn a door knob unless she uses both hands. She's also much younger than me, a teenager I think. I feel for her. When I was a teenager I had all kinds of "mysterious" aches and pains and snaps and seizures of the joints . . . we never knew what it was about. I know now. But I never had it as bad as this kid. I always functioned. I was in my late 20's or early 30's before I became bed-ridden for the first time.
Garbage day. Time to bundle up and see what that wind chill is really all about. If I can tell anything by the walk to the curb from my door . . . then we know it's serious.
Mood: trying to keep my spirits up
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: plows and tractors and lots of heavy equipment type traffic
Hair: oh god! if you only knew!
Garbage day. Time to bundle up and see what that wind chill is really all about. If I can tell anything by the walk to the curb from my door . . . then we know it's serious.
Mood: trying to keep my spirits up
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: plows and tractors and lots of heavy equipment type traffic
Hair: oh god! if you only knew!
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Blah!
I'm pretty wiped out today. Totally blaming the Arctic air in the Wind Chill for this insane flare-up.
EVERYTHING ACHES!! Imagine every little bone in your hand burning and aching like you slammed your fingers in a door. Imagine that same feeling in every part of your spine, your fore arms, your biceps, your neck, your ribs, your shoulders, your thighs, knees, calves, ankles, feet, and toes. Limbs feel heavy. Lifting your arm takes tremendous focus and energy. Navigating the stairs shoots daggers through your knees.
Now imagine you can't make it better. You can't make it go away. It might go away tomorrow, or the next day, one never knows when it'll swoop in and when it'll leave. In the meantime there's just the exhaustion of living in constant unrelenting pain.
This is my day so far.
I'm tired.
I hope it doesn't last long.
Mood: listless
Drinking: rooibos tea
Listening To: dryer tumbling
Hair: not aching at the roots, so today it's my best friend
Wind chill warning for Moncton and southeast New Brunswick continued
Extreme wind chill values of minus 35 to minus 40 expected tonight and Wednesday morning.
Cold Arctic air will continue to flood into the province tonight and temperatures will plunge several degrees below seasonal values. Brisk northwest winds combined with the cold temperatures will result in extreme wind chill values of minus 35 to minus 40 tonight. These extreme wind chills will persist Wednesday morning.
EVERYTHING ACHES!! Imagine every little bone in your hand burning and aching like you slammed your fingers in a door. Imagine that same feeling in every part of your spine, your fore arms, your biceps, your neck, your ribs, your shoulders, your thighs, knees, calves, ankles, feet, and toes. Limbs feel heavy. Lifting your arm takes tremendous focus and energy. Navigating the stairs shoots daggers through your knees.
Now imagine you can't make it better. You can't make it go away. It might go away tomorrow, or the next day, one never knows when it'll swoop in and when it'll leave. In the meantime there's just the exhaustion of living in constant unrelenting pain.
This is my day so far.
I'm tired.
I hope it doesn't last long.
Mood: listless
Drinking: rooibos tea
Listening To: dryer tumbling
Hair: not aching at the roots, so today it's my best friend
Born to be Fit
So last week I started using this website called Fitday (www.fitday.com) to keep track of everything I put into my mouth, how many calories I burn daily, what nutrients I'm lacking, how much exercise I get, etc. Stacy put me onto this site. I had used it before a few years ago when I first quit smoking, but had forgotten it existed. I'm using their online Diet and Fitness Manager. It's free to join. There's a paid version that you can download that has advanced features, like adding your own custom recipes. It's only $20 US. I'm considering getting it. Just because I eat a lot of complicated things like guacamole, hamburgers, homemade salsa, etc. Entering each component, every time, becomes tedious. Plus, making the purchase would solidify my commitment to a healthy active lifestyle. If I start spending cash on things like a computerized diet and activity tracker, then I know I mean serious business.
Weight loss is not my primary goal here. I think if I achieve a healthy balance of carbs, protein and good fat, if I'm getting all my nutrients everyday, and I'm not overeating, if I continue to walk everywhere I need to go and try to add more activity to my life, weight loss will follow. I'll naturally gravitate back to my optimal size. That's my feeling on it anyway. I don't want to get bogged down in the numbers, with regard to shedding pounds. Instead I want to be aware if I need more potassium or if I'm lacking in iron. This is important.
Before Christmas I took the Real Age test (www.realage.com) It's also a free tool. I actually didn't take all of it, just the nutrition part, and based on my eating habits they put me at about 39.5 years old (my REAL age in terms of how old my body feels), which is older than my actual calendar birthday. I was actually kind of happy with this number because it's only a couple years older than what I really am.
Years ago, before I quit smoking, before I started eating healthier, before I started walking everywhere, I took this test (all of it, not just the nutrition part) and I was in pretty bad shape, a good 10 to 15 years older than my actual age at the time. So, this number showed progress.
In the test results they tell you what you're doing right and to continue doing, then they tell you what you can do differently or better in order to make your Real Age younger. So, before Christmas I took this test and I took the suggestions to heart and immediately changed some things. Like I went out and bought supplements based on specific vitamins and minerals they said I was lacking. I've been taking them everyday ever since. I also added breakfast to my daily to do list. So I never forget anymore. I always eat breakfast now. If you've been reading for long, you know breakfast has been a concern for awhile. But I think it's finally starting to stick.
So last week I took the test again, and this time I took all of it--General Health, Medical History, Medications, Lifestyle and Safety, Stress and Social Support, Nutrition, Physical Activities. It's a pretty intense test. Lots of questions.
And now . . . My Real Age is 1.9 years YOUNGER than my Calendar Age! I'm doing it, folks! I'm reaching my health goals. I'm making positive lifestyle changes. And if I can go from a chain smoking, beer drinking, pill popping, french frie eating, inactive insomniac . . . to someone who eats veggies and fruits and breakfast everyday . . . well, anyone can.
Mood: self-satisfied
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: email dinging in
Hair: in my eyes
Weight loss is not my primary goal here. I think if I achieve a healthy balance of carbs, protein and good fat, if I'm getting all my nutrients everyday, and I'm not overeating, if I continue to walk everywhere I need to go and try to add more activity to my life, weight loss will follow. I'll naturally gravitate back to my optimal size. That's my feeling on it anyway. I don't want to get bogged down in the numbers, with regard to shedding pounds. Instead I want to be aware if I need more potassium or if I'm lacking in iron. This is important.
Before Christmas I took the Real Age test (www.realage.com) It's also a free tool. I actually didn't take all of it, just the nutrition part, and based on my eating habits they put me at about 39.5 years old (my REAL age in terms of how old my body feels), which is older than my actual calendar birthday. I was actually kind of happy with this number because it's only a couple years older than what I really am.
Years ago, before I quit smoking, before I started eating healthier, before I started walking everywhere, I took this test (all of it, not just the nutrition part) and I was in pretty bad shape, a good 10 to 15 years older than my actual age at the time. So, this number showed progress.
In the test results they tell you what you're doing right and to continue doing, then they tell you what you can do differently or better in order to make your Real Age younger. So, before Christmas I took this test and I took the suggestions to heart and immediately changed some things. Like I went out and bought supplements based on specific vitamins and minerals they said I was lacking. I've been taking them everyday ever since. I also added breakfast to my daily to do list. So I never forget anymore. I always eat breakfast now. If you've been reading for long, you know breakfast has been a concern for awhile. But I think it's finally starting to stick.
So last week I took the test again, and this time I took all of it--General Health, Medical History, Medications, Lifestyle and Safety, Stress and Social Support, Nutrition, Physical Activities. It's a pretty intense test. Lots of questions.
And now . . . My Real Age is 1.9 years YOUNGER than my Calendar Age! I'm doing it, folks! I'm reaching my health goals. I'm making positive lifestyle changes. And if I can go from a chain smoking, beer drinking, pill popping, french frie eating, inactive insomniac . . . to someone who eats veggies and fruits and breakfast everyday . . . well, anyone can.
Mood: self-satisfied
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: email dinging in
Hair: in my eyes
Monday, January 15, 2007
Proof Positive
Went to Miramichi on Friday. Stacy picked me up at the train station and we went to the Wharf Inn for supper. It's hard to eat out when you're trying to eat healthy. In Miramichi, at any rate. Miramichiers like their deep fried wieners and stuff. We ended up with chicken quesadillas (hold the sour cream). Who knows if that was a good choice or not? There are no MANGO stickers on the menu at the Wharf Inn. New management there too. New menu since the last time we were there. We would've got the steak special but we were in a big hurry to get to the movie theatre.
Even still, the movie had started by the time we arrived, so we just missed a bit at the beginning. Saw "The Good Sheppard" with Matt Damon and Angelina Jolie. It's a Robert DeNiro film. I enjoyed it a lot. Want to see it again on dvd. There were a lot of distractions in the theatre. I tend to forget what it's like to go on Friday evening when all the kids are in attendance. Sometimes watching them is more interesting than the movie. We had wanted to do some stuff afterward, but the movie was much longer than either of us realized and everything was closed when we left the theatre.
Saturday I interviewed the couple being featured on the cover of the next BnM. Went to their house. The whole point of the trip. Easily there for two hours. Got a good interview. Watched a full-length feature film on Alistair Macleod when I got home. On loan from the Sackville Writers' Group. Then watched Breakfast on Pluto with Cillian Murphy. Recent purchase for the collection. Love it! Love him! In bed by midnight so I could rise pretty early and catch the morning train back to Sackville yesterday.
This kind of flying trip is in some ways easier to do than the three or four day kind, and certainly much easier than the week or 10 day trip. Friday night I couldn't keep my eyes open past midnight. And I slept late until nearly noon. Yesterday afternoon I went to bed at 5pm and dozed off and on between television programs and phone calls until 11pm when I went to sleep for the night for real. I slept until nearly 11am this morning. I feel like I'm back on track now. So I've only lost 3 days really (if you count today, which maybe I shouldn't because I am getting considerable amounts of work done), whereas the longer trips I lose (or feel as if I've lost) all the days I'm away and a good two or three days after I get back. So what is this bone weariness, you ask? Well, it's exactly that--bone weariness.
This flying trip is proof positive in my mind that my arthritis is effected by this travel 3 hours north and then back south again. I feel pain. Pain causes exhaustion. Therefore I sleep and am worthless. The climate change is actually quite considerable between here and there. It's damper up there, and colder. There's more snow in Miramichi. It's dryer here, and warmer. There's been no snow here yet this winter.
Around about Rogersville as I journey north, my knees start to lock and I get uncomfortable in my seat. My thighs will ache. My wrists and elbows. If I stay up there long enough, I acclimate, and then I'll experience discomfort about Moncton on the way back. There's a period of readjustment when I return. This is one of the reasons why I must move back to the Miramichi to live. Why the back and forth is so hard on me. If I've learned nothing in the several years since I found out I had arthritis, it's that I need to listen to my body, nurture its needs and not fight against it, try to force it to bend to my will.
It is a given that my work needs me more there. It's also given that my family needs me more there. And I know the back and forth is really hard on me. So, a move is inevitable.
Mood: okay
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: doors slamming in the main house
Hair: greasy, greying
Even still, the movie had started by the time we arrived, so we just missed a bit at the beginning. Saw "The Good Sheppard" with Matt Damon and Angelina Jolie. It's a Robert DeNiro film. I enjoyed it a lot. Want to see it again on dvd. There were a lot of distractions in the theatre. I tend to forget what it's like to go on Friday evening when all the kids are in attendance. Sometimes watching them is more interesting than the movie. We had wanted to do some stuff afterward, but the movie was much longer than either of us realized and everything was closed when we left the theatre.
Saturday I interviewed the couple being featured on the cover of the next BnM. Went to their house. The whole point of the trip. Easily there for two hours. Got a good interview. Watched a full-length feature film on Alistair Macleod when I got home. On loan from the Sackville Writers' Group. Then watched Breakfast on Pluto with Cillian Murphy. Recent purchase for the collection. Love it! Love him! In bed by midnight so I could rise pretty early and catch the morning train back to Sackville yesterday.
This kind of flying trip is in some ways easier to do than the three or four day kind, and certainly much easier than the week or 10 day trip. Friday night I couldn't keep my eyes open past midnight. And I slept late until nearly noon. Yesterday afternoon I went to bed at 5pm and dozed off and on between television programs and phone calls until 11pm when I went to sleep for the night for real. I slept until nearly 11am this morning. I feel like I'm back on track now. So I've only lost 3 days really (if you count today, which maybe I shouldn't because I am getting considerable amounts of work done), whereas the longer trips I lose (or feel as if I've lost) all the days I'm away and a good two or three days after I get back. So what is this bone weariness, you ask? Well, it's exactly that--bone weariness.
This flying trip is proof positive in my mind that my arthritis is effected by this travel 3 hours north and then back south again. I feel pain. Pain causes exhaustion. Therefore I sleep and am worthless. The climate change is actually quite considerable between here and there. It's damper up there, and colder. There's more snow in Miramichi. It's dryer here, and warmer. There's been no snow here yet this winter.
Around about Rogersville as I journey north, my knees start to lock and I get uncomfortable in my seat. My thighs will ache. My wrists and elbows. If I stay up there long enough, I acclimate, and then I'll experience discomfort about Moncton on the way back. There's a period of readjustment when I return. This is one of the reasons why I must move back to the Miramichi to live. Why the back and forth is so hard on me. If I've learned nothing in the several years since I found out I had arthritis, it's that I need to listen to my body, nurture its needs and not fight against it, try to force it to bend to my will.
It is a given that my work needs me more there. It's also given that my family needs me more there. And I know the back and forth is really hard on me. So, a move is inevitable.
Mood: okay
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: doors slamming in the main house
Hair: greasy, greying
Friday, January 12, 2007
Unanticipated Leaving
Going to Miramichi this afternoon. Via Rail. If you had asked me yesterday, I would not have known. That's the way the cookie crumbles. Not sure when I'll be back. Maybe Sunday. You'll just have to get along without me. I know it's rough. Duty calls.
Mood: sleepyhead
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: just me
Hair: headbanded for clarity
Mood: sleepyhead
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: just me
Hair: headbanded for clarity
Thursday, January 11, 2007
We'll Always Have The White Shirt
You were in my dream. Summoned by the story workshopped in last night's group therapy. I was lucky to have had you for a friend. That's what they said. And I was so struck by that. I certainly didn't know it then and I don't know that I've ever thought about it in quite that way. What would have happened if you hadn't been there? Where would I have gone? How would have I gotten along? We'll never know. You were there, my friend, and I was lucky to have you.
In the dream I have a beach house. This is new. I've never had this house before. It's not a California type setting, all white sand and blueness. No, this is the Atlantic. Windy. Foggy. Grey. Damp. Chilling. A big house. Lots of windows. Lots of curtains billowing in the wind.
In the dream you left by sea. I'm not sure where you've gone, but you've gone by boat, like Jacques Cousteau on expedition. And I'm swaddled in layers for warmth and comfort as I sit on a patio deck and search the horizon for signs of your return.
You come while I'm sleeping. Slip into the bed without warning or alarm and I roll into your big chest and smell your comforting essence. You've been on an adventure. You've found your stride. You've matured. God, I missed you! And I want to blurt it all out, tell you once and for all, unchain my heart and see if you want to take it for a long walk. But even as I think this you speak of leaving again.
Time is fleeting. Brief. You've brought someone with you. A young man. An assistant? A member of your crew? He makes me nervous with his constant movement about the house, foraging, packing, drawing maps and making calculations. Every time I try to tell you, he interrupts. It is the dawn of your departure and I'm about to watch you slip away again in ignorance. I'm afraid. I don't want to tell you for fear that you'll still leave me, that it's too late.
I wait until the last possible moment. As the boy bounds down the path to the dock and you are leaning in to kiss me goodbye in the doorway. I clasp your hands and pull you inside, silence your wonder with the knowledge that this is important. You nod and sit to give me your full attention. The moment at last. I'm like a pool at your feet. I sit on the floor, leaning into your legs, resting my chin on your knees, arms draped over your thighs, clasping your hands in your lap. And I spill over. Apologies. Fears. Hopes.
You listen and when I'm done you don't say anything for many seconds while I hold my breath and wait for sentencing or salvation. Then you smile, pull me onto your lap, kiss the tears from my eyes, my cheeks, my lips, whisper into my hair, my neck. I know. It's ok. I knew. And I'm surprised. I'm surprised and relieved and hopeful and happy. Until I come to understand that you still intend to leave. You plan to finish this mission. And I'm to wait for your return. Again. Except I look to the ocean and all I can see is smoky clouds and grey waves, a wicked wind tossing boats in the harbour, and I know that if you leave this time I'll never see you again.
And here it is, the crux of all my dreams about you, the piercing sadness that I'll never see you again.
Mood: melancholic
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: Breathe (2am), Anna Nalick
Hair: coarse
In the dream I have a beach house. This is new. I've never had this house before. It's not a California type setting, all white sand and blueness. No, this is the Atlantic. Windy. Foggy. Grey. Damp. Chilling. A big house. Lots of windows. Lots of curtains billowing in the wind.
In the dream you left by sea. I'm not sure where you've gone, but you've gone by boat, like Jacques Cousteau on expedition. And I'm swaddled in layers for warmth and comfort as I sit on a patio deck and search the horizon for signs of your return.
You come while I'm sleeping. Slip into the bed without warning or alarm and I roll into your big chest and smell your comforting essence. You've been on an adventure. You've found your stride. You've matured. God, I missed you! And I want to blurt it all out, tell you once and for all, unchain my heart and see if you want to take it for a long walk. But even as I think this you speak of leaving again.
Time is fleeting. Brief. You've brought someone with you. A young man. An assistant? A member of your crew? He makes me nervous with his constant movement about the house, foraging, packing, drawing maps and making calculations. Every time I try to tell you, he interrupts. It is the dawn of your departure and I'm about to watch you slip away again in ignorance. I'm afraid. I don't want to tell you for fear that you'll still leave me, that it's too late.
I wait until the last possible moment. As the boy bounds down the path to the dock and you are leaning in to kiss me goodbye in the doorway. I clasp your hands and pull you inside, silence your wonder with the knowledge that this is important. You nod and sit to give me your full attention. The moment at last. I'm like a pool at your feet. I sit on the floor, leaning into your legs, resting my chin on your knees, arms draped over your thighs, clasping your hands in your lap. And I spill over. Apologies. Fears. Hopes.
You listen and when I'm done you don't say anything for many seconds while I hold my breath and wait for sentencing or salvation. Then you smile, pull me onto your lap, kiss the tears from my eyes, my cheeks, my lips, whisper into my hair, my neck. I know. It's ok. I knew. And I'm surprised. I'm surprised and relieved and hopeful and happy. Until I come to understand that you still intend to leave. You plan to finish this mission. And I'm to wait for your return. Again. Except I look to the ocean and all I can see is smoky clouds and grey waves, a wicked wind tossing boats in the harbour, and I know that if you leave this time I'll never see you again.
And here it is, the crux of all my dreams about you, the piercing sadness that I'll never see you again.
Mood: melancholic
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: Breathe (2am), Anna Nalick
Hair: coarse
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Nobody Does It Better
Hello Kellie!
Your Quit Date is: Friday, May 10, 2002 at 12:30:00 PM
Time Smoke-Free: 1705 days, 18 hours, 34 minutes and 8 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 42644
Lifetime Saved: 10 months, 25 days, 18 hours
Money Saved: $17,060.00
Wow! I'm almost to the five year mark on my quitting smoking thing. WOW! Sometimes I just have to give my head a shake and wonder who the hell this person is that I've become. I am a non-smoker. Me! Had we been taking bets 10 years ago on who was most likely to NEVER quit smoking EVER, a lot of cash would've been dropped on me. I likely would have bet against myself. So every time my quit date anniversary comes up I really stop to take a moment and pat myself on the back, because damn if I don't deserve it!
It remains the hardest thing I've ever done.
In moments of weakness, when I look at my struggling fat ass in the mirror and think about how easy it would be to just light up and grow thin again, I take strength from the fact that I've already accomplished the most difficult thing, which was throwing the butts away forever, but I'm not yet out of recovery. The road is long and I'm still on it, still slugging away at it daily, so that one day I will wake up and be a healthy balanced person. Real change takes time. Every day I make small choices that make a difference.
Mood: buoyant
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: Gwen Stefani's new video
Hair: still attached at the roots
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
This Is Me, In My House, And My House Is On My Street . . .
That old thing from Sesame Street. Anyone remember that? My street is in my town, my town is in my state (or province in my case) . . . and so on and so forth until you're out in the universe. I remember being a kid and sitting in my closet with my toy box (I used to like hiding out in closets and other tiny out of the way places to think), closing my eyes and seeing myself, my house, my street, my town, my province, etc. When I would get out into the universe I'd freak out, get scared, because it felt like I had really left my body and I worried I wouldn't find my way back, because recognizing my own insignificance in the grand scheme of things was pretty frightening. Yes, even as a child I was . . . weird?
Looking back now, I would guess I was unknowingly putting myself into a meditative state and part of my fear had to do with my understanding that this was something more than the usual imaginings, but what exactly, I had no idea. Ignorance = fear.
I remember this today because I've taken out my chakra aromatherapy kit and spent some time trying to change my energy from the listless bum I've become over the past few days into the energetic productive person I constantly strive to maintain. The scent helped. Somewhat. The meditation . . . not so much. I couldn't get there. Couldn't quiet down. Couldn't turn off the thousands of things running through my brain that I need to do, that I want to do, that I've promised I will do, that I hope to accomplish one day. Sometimes it's just too much. The quiet is more difficult to find. The forward propulsion needs an extra large kick in the ass.
This week is starting out like that. It has begun poorly. But I'm gonna keep trying. I'm not going to give up. I'm gonna stick with it, reign it back in and regain control. A few unfocused days of blue aren't enough to undo the whole works.
Mood: bleary
Drinking: water, tho not enough apparently as i seem to feel a bit dehydrated
Listening To: rumblings in the street, the sky, on the train tracks that skirt the edge of town
Hair: needing another trim, persistently greying
Looking back now, I would guess I was unknowingly putting myself into a meditative state and part of my fear had to do with my understanding that this was something more than the usual imaginings, but what exactly, I had no idea. Ignorance = fear.
I remember this today because I've taken out my chakra aromatherapy kit and spent some time trying to change my energy from the listless bum I've become over the past few days into the energetic productive person I constantly strive to maintain. The scent helped. Somewhat. The meditation . . . not so much. I couldn't get there. Couldn't quiet down. Couldn't turn off the thousands of things running through my brain that I need to do, that I want to do, that I've promised I will do, that I hope to accomplish one day. Sometimes it's just too much. The quiet is more difficult to find. The forward propulsion needs an extra large kick in the ass.
This week is starting out like that. It has begun poorly. But I'm gonna keep trying. I'm not going to give up. I'm gonna stick with it, reign it back in and regain control. A few unfocused days of blue aren't enough to undo the whole works.
Mood: bleary
Drinking: water, tho not enough apparently as i seem to feel a bit dehydrated
Listening To: rumblings in the street, the sky, on the train tracks that skirt the edge of town
Hair: needing another trim, persistently greying
Monday, January 08, 2007
Snow Day
School cancelled this morning due to weather. I supposed the districts have so many snow days allotted for the season and they need to use them up. This, of course, doesn't effect me in the least as I've no kids and no need to leave the house for anything. I work from home. I work like it's not snowing. It's supposed to change to rain. May already have changed to rain. But I'm hoping some of the white stuff will stick. All that green in January is just so depressing.
I overslept today. Did not get to bed at a decent time last night. Been restless and on edge. Too much coffee perhaps? Since last week's drought. Didn't seem to accomplish much yesterday either. I made some kick-ass guacamole! Yummers! I've got all these new kitchen gadgets since Christmas that I'm dying to play with. Mashers and mixers, slice and dice, blend and puree. Fun goodness! I've also got some food stuff that I normally wouldn't buy for myself. Like the pure New Brunswick maple syrup I poured all over my locally ground organic all natural no additives buckwheat pancakes yesterday. I had forgotten how fabulous the buckwheat pancake can be. They certainly stick by ya! Breakfast almost ruined me for guacamole supper many many hours later.
Today I've got to do something with portobello mushrooms. Maybe burgers. Maybe something else that allows me to experiment with some of that fiery hot red pepper paste and funky rice blend. We shall see what the day begets. I am trying to start this year off right by continuing the somewhat sporadic trend I started last year of eating breakfast every day. People who eat breakfast are healthier, thinner, more energetic, and lots of good stuff. It's a positive thing! But I struggle. I've never been a morning eater. I've always been a one meal per day person. Dinner and that's all. Which is not a good way to live. Today I had a banana. I think that's okay. I don't think you necessarily have to eat a big meal, a piece of fruit is enough for breakfast. I'm trying to eat more fruit. I've got the veggie thing down pat. I am the queen of the big salad, but my fruit consumption needs some work. So I've got some organic bananas and granny smiths and some canned peaches and pineapple and lots of frozen berries on hand. Hey! Maybe I could do something with some fish and those portobellos. That's a thought.
Who knew I would ever enjoy cooking so much? Like back in the day, when I was finding my way, and generally being stomped into the ground everywhere I turned. When I was starving myself and depressed and so afraid to move lest I make a mistake . . . I would never have imagined I'd ever take so much joy from cooking. Thank God, I'm not into the whole baking thing or I'd easily weigh 500 pounds by now.
Mood: thankful
Drinking: coffee, jungle blend, with lottsa cream
Listening To: is that a snowplow?
Hair: brown, as close to my natural as it ever gets
I overslept today. Did not get to bed at a decent time last night. Been restless and on edge. Too much coffee perhaps? Since last week's drought. Didn't seem to accomplish much yesterday either. I made some kick-ass guacamole! Yummers! I've got all these new kitchen gadgets since Christmas that I'm dying to play with. Mashers and mixers, slice and dice, blend and puree. Fun goodness! I've also got some food stuff that I normally wouldn't buy for myself. Like the pure New Brunswick maple syrup I poured all over my locally ground organic all natural no additives buckwheat pancakes yesterday. I had forgotten how fabulous the buckwheat pancake can be. They certainly stick by ya! Breakfast almost ruined me for guacamole supper many many hours later.
Today I've got to do something with portobello mushrooms. Maybe burgers. Maybe something else that allows me to experiment with some of that fiery hot red pepper paste and funky rice blend. We shall see what the day begets. I am trying to start this year off right by continuing the somewhat sporadic trend I started last year of eating breakfast every day. People who eat breakfast are healthier, thinner, more energetic, and lots of good stuff. It's a positive thing! But I struggle. I've never been a morning eater. I've always been a one meal per day person. Dinner and that's all. Which is not a good way to live. Today I had a banana. I think that's okay. I don't think you necessarily have to eat a big meal, a piece of fruit is enough for breakfast. I'm trying to eat more fruit. I've got the veggie thing down pat. I am the queen of the big salad, but my fruit consumption needs some work. So I've got some organic bananas and granny smiths and some canned peaches and pineapple and lots of frozen berries on hand. Hey! Maybe I could do something with some fish and those portobellos. That's a thought.
Who knew I would ever enjoy cooking so much? Like back in the day, when I was finding my way, and generally being stomped into the ground everywhere I turned. When I was starving myself and depressed and so afraid to move lest I make a mistake . . . I would never have imagined I'd ever take so much joy from cooking. Thank God, I'm not into the whole baking thing or I'd easily weigh 500 pounds by now.
Mood: thankful
Drinking: coffee, jungle blend, with lottsa cream
Listening To: is that a snowplow?
Hair: brown, as close to my natural as it ever gets
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Dream A Little Dream
Not a lot crossed off yesterday's to-do list (in the new dayplanner!) yet I feel like I got soooo much done. There's still more to do today (isn't there always?) but I'm feeling really good about the way the week (month & year) is shaping up. Organization and productivity will be mine!
I slept in my bed last night for the first time since returning from Miramichi. Yes, I've been snoozing on the futon again. I'm not real sure why this tends to happen right before I leave for a trip and directly after I return. Perhaps it has something to do with piles of suitcases, clothes, cds, books, dvds, magazines, papers, shoes, etc. on my bed. Could be. At any rate, yesterday I unpacked every last thing and put the suitcases back into storage, changed my sheets, washed my comforter, and slept in my bed. It was fabulous! I got such a good rest, in very little time. I stayed up really late. I watched an Aussie movie called Danny Deckchair on Showcase. I had wanted to see this film since I saw a preview on a dvd. I had it zipped. As inspiring screwball romantic comedies go, this one is pretty genius. It's a wonderful feel-good film. Or at least from midnight to 2am it was.
Then I found myself watching Criss Angel's Mindfreak on the Discovery Channel for an hour or so. And I thought David Blaine was scary freaky! Yikes! I've seen this program before, quite awhile ago, but all the levitation and burning really freaked me out in the wee hours this morning. How does he do that?!
After 4am I found myself watching an old movie on CBC with Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. I've no idea what it was called. I had never seen it before. It was pretty darn funny though, the parts I saw, I fell asleep after about 35 minutes. Lemmon was a newspaper reporter, Matthau his editor. Lemmon was quitting the biz to move away with his girl and take a sweet advertising job in her uncle's firm. During his going away party (which seemed to be taking place in the media room of a prison where an execution was happening soon) the soon to be hanged star criminal shoots the headshrinker and escapes. Lemmon's replacement rookie reporter proves himself to be useless in all the shooting and sirens, so Lemmon goes after the story and gets a scoop. That's all I saw, pretty much. Anyone know what this is called?
I was wide awake by 6:30 this morning, but didn't think I ought to get up after so little sleep, so I stayed in bed dozing and dreaming until about 9:30. Somebody cooked serious breakfast in the house around 8am, which was highly unusual . . . unless they hadn't gone to bed yet. Hmm. Anyway, I had a weird and disturbing dream just before I got up. In some of my dreams I own a piece of land on the main road just outside the Blackville village limits, before you get to Burke's Diner, about where the trailer park is now. In the dreams it's like an acre of hay surrounded by woods. I'm always trying to sell it for extra cash. So in this morning's dream I get a phone call from the village office (I guess it must be inside the village limits in the dream) from Sarah M. to be exact (who I don't think has ever worked for the village office in real life). It's around 5:30pm, a beauty summer evening of sunshine. She calls and doesn't want to freak me out but she explains that she's a ?? I'm not sure what term she used. She didn't say psychic, though what she went on to tell me made it appear as if she were psychic. It was more like she had studied this practice and gotten certificates in it though, like a natureopath or something.
Anyway, she kind of timidly explains that she's got this other not so normal thing going on in her life and she's had a vision or something and she's calling to tell me that I need to sell my property and I need to sell it right now, like tonight. I just need to get rid of it immediately before more terrible things happen. She says the village council can take it off my hands for $500 and she's already got the paperwork drawn up. She's working late, until 7:30, and then she can bring the papers and a cheque by my house. Five hundred bucks is nothing for this piece of land, so I press her for details on what exactly is wrong with the property. There's a lot of silences on the phone, like the line is cutting in and out. But I get from her that the property is somehow evil and able to attach evilness to people and it's already done some nasty work in my family and it's all going to get a whole lot worse really quick if I don't dump this property right now. She's pulled strings to get this all approved for me in so little time.
By this time I am overcome with a really bad feeling, about the land, about this call and all the unnatural cutting in and out when we're both on land lines. But still, $500!! Surely, I can get more for it than that, I've had some interest from a couple of people. Maybe I can push a sale through myself. I tell her this and she says she doesn't think I'm getting how serious this is, that I absolutely need to get rid of this property this evening or really bad things are going to happen and it'll be too late. I want to know what exactly, and the phone line is cutting in and out really badly now, but I hear my brother Lee's name and something about a terminal illness and accidents and death and that's only the beginning. But it's all so choppy. Still, I'm taking her seriously. I tell her I want to see if I can find a buyer on my own. She warns me again and says if I want to take the village deal to give her a call back, she'll be in the office until 7:30pm. I hang up and start looking for the phone book to give a couple of people a call and see if they'll buy this tonight, right now, at a discounted price but still more than the $500 the village is offering.
I hear a banging coming from Lee's bedroom and I go in to see what's going on. He has a lamp that he's trying to turn on or off but the switch is broke off so there's just a piece of sharp metal sticking out and he's hitting it with the palm of his hand. In my mind I can see him impaling himself on this lamp switch and I yell at him to stop, then I lay into him about doing stupid things and thinking about consequences to his actions. I tell him about the call I just got. Warn him that he needs to be particularly careful until I get this thing settled. But he won't listen. We're screaming at each other and he's punching the walls and breaking things in his room and getting ready to leave. He won't believe me. He's leaving the house. I can't stop him. It's infuriating.
I wake up.
Yes, I guess I am worried about my brother. Yes, he won't listen to anyone who tries to help him. Yes, I'm concerned about what he's mixed up in and who he's mixed up with. I try not to think about it, because there's nothing more I can do. But I guess these things come out anyway. In dreams.
It's a beautiful day here, sunshine, blue skies, white clouds (the fluffy kind). The temperature is falling. It's only 5 degrees now, when it was still 12 degrees last time I checked at 10:30 last night. I think it's time to have pancakes! With peaches! And real maple syrup! (Thank you, Stacy) Later I will go buy limes and cilantro and maybe picture frames. Today I am making guacamole . . . and maybe salsa . . . and perhaps meatless veggie tacos (depending on the expiry date on my meatless meat). Today I will use more new kitchen toys I got for Christmas! FUN!
Mood: awesome
Drinking: coffee!!!
Listening To: Sexy Back, Justin Timberlake
Hair: needs hairapy!
I slept in my bed last night for the first time since returning from Miramichi. Yes, I've been snoozing on the futon again. I'm not real sure why this tends to happen right before I leave for a trip and directly after I return. Perhaps it has something to do with piles of suitcases, clothes, cds, books, dvds, magazines, papers, shoes, etc. on my bed. Could be. At any rate, yesterday I unpacked every last thing and put the suitcases back into storage, changed my sheets, washed my comforter, and slept in my bed. It was fabulous! I got such a good rest, in very little time. I stayed up really late. I watched an Aussie movie called Danny Deckchair on Showcase. I had wanted to see this film since I saw a preview on a dvd. I had it zipped. As inspiring screwball romantic comedies go, this one is pretty genius. It's a wonderful feel-good film. Or at least from midnight to 2am it was.
Then I found myself watching Criss Angel's Mindfreak on the Discovery Channel for an hour or so. And I thought David Blaine was scary freaky! Yikes! I've seen this program before, quite awhile ago, but all the levitation and burning really freaked me out in the wee hours this morning. How does he do that?!
After 4am I found myself watching an old movie on CBC with Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. I've no idea what it was called. I had never seen it before. It was pretty darn funny though, the parts I saw, I fell asleep after about 35 minutes. Lemmon was a newspaper reporter, Matthau his editor. Lemmon was quitting the biz to move away with his girl and take a sweet advertising job in her uncle's firm. During his going away party (which seemed to be taking place in the media room of a prison where an execution was happening soon) the soon to be hanged star criminal shoots the headshrinker and escapes. Lemmon's replacement rookie reporter proves himself to be useless in all the shooting and sirens, so Lemmon goes after the story and gets a scoop. That's all I saw, pretty much. Anyone know what this is called?
I was wide awake by 6:30 this morning, but didn't think I ought to get up after so little sleep, so I stayed in bed dozing and dreaming until about 9:30. Somebody cooked serious breakfast in the house around 8am, which was highly unusual . . . unless they hadn't gone to bed yet. Hmm. Anyway, I had a weird and disturbing dream just before I got up. In some of my dreams I own a piece of land on the main road just outside the Blackville village limits, before you get to Burke's Diner, about where the trailer park is now. In the dreams it's like an acre of hay surrounded by woods. I'm always trying to sell it for extra cash. So in this morning's dream I get a phone call from the village office (I guess it must be inside the village limits in the dream) from Sarah M. to be exact (who I don't think has ever worked for the village office in real life). It's around 5:30pm, a beauty summer evening of sunshine. She calls and doesn't want to freak me out but she explains that she's a ?? I'm not sure what term she used. She didn't say psychic, though what she went on to tell me made it appear as if she were psychic. It was more like she had studied this practice and gotten certificates in it though, like a natureopath or something.
Anyway, she kind of timidly explains that she's got this other not so normal thing going on in her life and she's had a vision or something and she's calling to tell me that I need to sell my property and I need to sell it right now, like tonight. I just need to get rid of it immediately before more terrible things happen. She says the village council can take it off my hands for $500 and she's already got the paperwork drawn up. She's working late, until 7:30, and then she can bring the papers and a cheque by my house. Five hundred bucks is nothing for this piece of land, so I press her for details on what exactly is wrong with the property. There's a lot of silences on the phone, like the line is cutting in and out. But I get from her that the property is somehow evil and able to attach evilness to people and it's already done some nasty work in my family and it's all going to get a whole lot worse really quick if I don't dump this property right now. She's pulled strings to get this all approved for me in so little time.
By this time I am overcome with a really bad feeling, about the land, about this call and all the unnatural cutting in and out when we're both on land lines. But still, $500!! Surely, I can get more for it than that, I've had some interest from a couple of people. Maybe I can push a sale through myself. I tell her this and she says she doesn't think I'm getting how serious this is, that I absolutely need to get rid of this property this evening or really bad things are going to happen and it'll be too late. I want to know what exactly, and the phone line is cutting in and out really badly now, but I hear my brother Lee's name and something about a terminal illness and accidents and death and that's only the beginning. But it's all so choppy. Still, I'm taking her seriously. I tell her I want to see if I can find a buyer on my own. She warns me again and says if I want to take the village deal to give her a call back, she'll be in the office until 7:30pm. I hang up and start looking for the phone book to give a couple of people a call and see if they'll buy this tonight, right now, at a discounted price but still more than the $500 the village is offering.
I hear a banging coming from Lee's bedroom and I go in to see what's going on. He has a lamp that he's trying to turn on or off but the switch is broke off so there's just a piece of sharp metal sticking out and he's hitting it with the palm of his hand. In my mind I can see him impaling himself on this lamp switch and I yell at him to stop, then I lay into him about doing stupid things and thinking about consequences to his actions. I tell him about the call I just got. Warn him that he needs to be particularly careful until I get this thing settled. But he won't listen. We're screaming at each other and he's punching the walls and breaking things in his room and getting ready to leave. He won't believe me. He's leaving the house. I can't stop him. It's infuriating.
I wake up.
Yes, I guess I am worried about my brother. Yes, he won't listen to anyone who tries to help him. Yes, I'm concerned about what he's mixed up in and who he's mixed up with. I try not to think about it, because there's nothing more I can do. But I guess these things come out anyway. In dreams.
It's a beautiful day here, sunshine, blue skies, white clouds (the fluffy kind). The temperature is falling. It's only 5 degrees now, when it was still 12 degrees last time I checked at 10:30 last night. I think it's time to have pancakes! With peaches! And real maple syrup! (Thank you, Stacy) Later I will go buy limes and cilantro and maybe picture frames. Today I am making guacamole . . . and maybe salsa . . . and perhaps meatless veggie tacos (depending on the expiry date on my meatless meat). Today I will use more new kitchen toys I got for Christmas! FUN!
Mood: awesome
Drinking: coffee!!!
Listening To: Sexy Back, Justin Timberlake
Hair: needs hairapy!
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Feel Like Dancing
I walked everywhere yesterday! Out to Main Street for stuff twice. Out to the Co-Op. Around the Swan Pond. Kellie needs a new pair of shoes. For real. Mine are done in. I'm thinking I might get some sort of hiking shoe. Maybe that would be more durable than the usual run of the mill runner. Maybe I should go to Wanderlust Outfitters and see what they have. Maybe. Right now, it's raining. It's 11 degrees and rain. This is January? How can those people say Global Warming isn't happening?
I was beat last night. In bed by 8. Well, not asleep in bed, just lying down and watching tv. Sleep never came til halfway through Letterman. The Donald was on. Blech! Does he know how disgusting he is? Major headache. Thought it would go away with sleep. But it didn't. Still achy this morning. Thought maybe coffee would take it away. No such luck. Guess I'll have to take something. It's so funny that I'm one of those people who doesn't take stuff anymore, when I used to be chocked full of pills everyday. It's strange what we become when we pay attention.
So I used my coffee grinder this morning. Yay! Fun stuff. I went to Jacob's Larder yesterday and got some beans. Fair Trade Organic. And I forget what blend. It was something I couldn't get at Co-Op. Touted as their most intense and diverse blend ever. Expensive though. It'll likely be Save-Easy for beans for now on. I also got some ground coffee while I was out at the Co-Op. I've gone all week without coffee!! It's cruel and unusual punishment. People shouldn't have to live that way. There's no need for it. I suspect I'll fill my freezer with coffee for a rainy day the next couple of weeks to compensate.
I got some licorice tea yesterday too. I've never had it before, but Stacy says it's good for you. She doesn't care for it much but forces herself to drink a cup every now and then. I had some last night. It is not great. I can force a cup right after supper maybe every now and then. Chammomile, I can't force. Ugh! Hate it. Can't really force Green Tea either. I keep trying the green stuff and I keep giving it away to Jenn, lol. Not sure whether she drinks it or not. Rooibos is my favourite. And Chai. I have Russian Tea at my Mom's that I always forget to pack and bring home with me. It's not herbal, very black tea. It's a pretty good substitute for coffee when I'm in Miramichi. My parents never have coffee. Well, sometimes they have instant . . . but . . . you really have to be in a mood to go for instant first thing in the morning.
I overslept. Don't know what's wrong with me. Didn't get up until almost 11:30 and even then it was a struggle. This headache is really zapping me. And of course the above zero temps have flared my arthritis. Pain really takes a lot out of you on so many levels. I never knew that before. I always thought that you just deal with the pain and that is all, but no, there's more. So much more.
So yesterday on my grocery shopping excursion to restock the larder (the refrigerator bulges!) I decided I was going to buy some meat (because I have none and my vegetarian experiment has ended). So, I went to the meat counters at Save-Easy and Co-Op and I looked everything all over . . . and I was completely repulsed at the idea of cooking any of it. I couldn't do it. In the end I just got a couple of packages of chicken wings (because I always loved chicken wings done up in lots of Frank's Hot Sauce), a fillet of Alaskan sole, and a can of tuna just because I felt like I had totally failed at the meat counter. I cooked a package of chicken wings for supper last night. Seven wings, almost five bucks . . . and that was on sale. In the pre-vegetarian days I would have eaten the seven in one sitting, with a side salad and a glass of wine. But even after I cooked them, I was still a bit repulsed, so I struggled to even eat one. Forced two. Mind you, eating seven in one sitting is hardly necessary, a couple is plenty. Maybe they'll grow on me. Maybe I'll have better luck with the fish. I just want some protein. Some nutrients. You know. It can't be all chick peas all the time, can it?
Ramble done.
Mood: achy
Drinking: coffee, FRESH GROUND!
Listening To: What the Fuck is Ladylike?, Storm Large and the Balls
Hair: sticking up every which way
I was beat last night. In bed by 8. Well, not asleep in bed, just lying down and watching tv. Sleep never came til halfway through Letterman. The Donald was on. Blech! Does he know how disgusting he is? Major headache. Thought it would go away with sleep. But it didn't. Still achy this morning. Thought maybe coffee would take it away. No such luck. Guess I'll have to take something. It's so funny that I'm one of those people who doesn't take stuff anymore, when I used to be chocked full of pills everyday. It's strange what we become when we pay attention.
So I used my coffee grinder this morning. Yay! Fun stuff. I went to Jacob's Larder yesterday and got some beans. Fair Trade Organic. And I forget what blend. It was something I couldn't get at Co-Op. Touted as their most intense and diverse blend ever. Expensive though. It'll likely be Save-Easy for beans for now on. I also got some ground coffee while I was out at the Co-Op. I've gone all week without coffee!! It's cruel and unusual punishment. People shouldn't have to live that way. There's no need for it. I suspect I'll fill my freezer with coffee for a rainy day the next couple of weeks to compensate.
I got some licorice tea yesterday too. I've never had it before, but Stacy says it's good for you. She doesn't care for it much but forces herself to drink a cup every now and then. I had some last night. It is not great. I can force a cup right after supper maybe every now and then. Chammomile, I can't force. Ugh! Hate it. Can't really force Green Tea either. I keep trying the green stuff and I keep giving it away to Jenn, lol. Not sure whether she drinks it or not. Rooibos is my favourite. And Chai. I have Russian Tea at my Mom's that I always forget to pack and bring home with me. It's not herbal, very black tea. It's a pretty good substitute for coffee when I'm in Miramichi. My parents never have coffee. Well, sometimes they have instant . . . but . . . you really have to be in a mood to go for instant first thing in the morning.
I overslept. Don't know what's wrong with me. Didn't get up until almost 11:30 and even then it was a struggle. This headache is really zapping me. And of course the above zero temps have flared my arthritis. Pain really takes a lot out of you on so many levels. I never knew that before. I always thought that you just deal with the pain and that is all, but no, there's more. So much more.
So yesterday on my grocery shopping excursion to restock the larder (the refrigerator bulges!) I decided I was going to buy some meat (because I have none and my vegetarian experiment has ended). So, I went to the meat counters at Save-Easy and Co-Op and I looked everything all over . . . and I was completely repulsed at the idea of cooking any of it. I couldn't do it. In the end I just got a couple of packages of chicken wings (because I always loved chicken wings done up in lots of Frank's Hot Sauce), a fillet of Alaskan sole, and a can of tuna just because I felt like I had totally failed at the meat counter. I cooked a package of chicken wings for supper last night. Seven wings, almost five bucks . . . and that was on sale. In the pre-vegetarian days I would have eaten the seven in one sitting, with a side salad and a glass of wine. But even after I cooked them, I was still a bit repulsed, so I struggled to even eat one. Forced two. Mind you, eating seven in one sitting is hardly necessary, a couple is plenty. Maybe they'll grow on me. Maybe I'll have better luck with the fish. I just want some protein. Some nutrients. You know. It can't be all chick peas all the time, can it?
Ramble done.
Mood: achy
Drinking: coffee, FRESH GROUND!
Listening To: What the Fuck is Ladylike?, Storm Large and the Balls
Hair: sticking up every which way
Friday, January 05, 2007
Heat Wave
It's a balmy 6 degrees this morning on the Tantramarsh, slight drizzle, no remnant of snow or ice or anything remotely winter-like about the place. Blah! So yesterday I bought myself a new day planner for 2007. Normally I go for the full page per day kind, and then never use them. So this year I'm trying something different with the full week two page spread view. The weekly spread also has a column with sections for Phone, Fax/Email, See/Do, Write, and To Pay/To Receive. There's also a space to put your Priority on each day. A separate pull-out address book in the back. All kinds of maps and info, lots of room for notes, yet not a huge size, just a smidgen bigger than the one I've always had in the past (and never really used). So, I'm optimistic about this one. I was using an electronic organizer called TimeTo that I really really loved, but after trying it out (and actually using it every day!) for three months I need to buy it or put up with annoying reminders that I'm past my free trial period. And at $79.99 USD . . . well, lets just try some paper first, eh?
I had to go to the video store to buy S&J movies for their birthday (Happy Birthday today!). I got them Ice Age 2: The Meltdown and Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties. Of course there was the 2 for $14.99 deal on the wall which also sucked me in but I managed to restrain myself and only buy two titles-- Elizabethtown and Breakfast on Pluto. Yay! More Cameron Crowe and more Cillian Murphy. Yes, I am obsessed. I also bought myself a new calendar for the kitchen while I was at the bookstore. The one I wanted before Christmas was sold out though :-( but oh well, that's what I get for waiting until the new year sales on calendars.
I am determined to get my house and my self in order today. It's the first morning in many weeks that I woke up able to breathe (for the most part) without the assistance of mind numbing drugs. Today I will clean and restock the larder and do laundry and WORK, WORK, WORK! It'll be a lovely day.
Mood: optimistic
Drinking: earl grey tea, black
Listening To: Angels and Darlas, Say Hi To Your Mom
Hair: a bit flat
I had to go to the video store to buy S&J movies for their birthday (Happy Birthday today!). I got them Ice Age 2: The Meltdown and Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties. Of course there was the 2 for $14.99 deal on the wall which also sucked me in but I managed to restrain myself and only buy two titles-- Elizabethtown and Breakfast on Pluto. Yay! More Cameron Crowe and more Cillian Murphy. Yes, I am obsessed. I also bought myself a new calendar for the kitchen while I was at the bookstore. The one I wanted before Christmas was sold out though :-( but oh well, that's what I get for waiting until the new year sales on calendars.
I am determined to get my house and my self in order today. It's the first morning in many weeks that I woke up able to breathe (for the most part) without the assistance of mind numbing drugs. Today I will clean and restock the larder and do laundry and WORK, WORK, WORK! It'll be a lovely day.
Mood: optimistic
Drinking: earl grey tea, black
Listening To: Angels and Darlas, Say Hi To Your Mom
Hair: a bit flat
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Rehab
So I'm back and there's just too much to try and fill in the blanks so I'm gonna charge ahead as if you've missed nothing. Another New Year! Time to assess the situation. Yep, goal setting time. Here we go! Here's what I posted this time last year:
So I guess I accomplished about 50% of what I set out for myself, which isn't too bad considering the ones I excelled at were the most important and life changing ones. Hey, change is good. I'll take what I can get.
Okay. On to 2007. I've given this a lot of thought and decided to keep it super simple this year. Focused is key. So I wrote this up on the train yesterday.
The areas I will focus on in 2007 are:
1. Health
2. Work
And that is all.
Or more specifically:
So, there you go. That's my focus for 2007. What's yours? Do you have a plan?
Mood: fantastic! the handyman guy just said I don't look a day over 28 :-D yes, he's too kind
Drinking: nothing, but I could if I wanted to
Listening To: Call Me When You're Sober, Evanescence
Hair: long and stringy
The things I will do in 2006 are:
1. Make more money. Yes, it's the Year of the Dollar (or Buck if I want to put a double meaning on it . . . which could be interesting and worthwhile) and I'm jumping onboard! (see how that double meaning could be pretty exciting?)I did make more money (only a smidgen) but I got a raise in my job that allowed me to give up all the freelance, which was killing me for time. So, this is good.
2. Spend less. It may be shocking to some, but I have not been living very frugally (or even realistically) this past year ;-) I need to tighten up my purse strings and focus on paying off some bills if I ever hope to do something completely nuts and out of character like . . . buy a house. Why the hell not?! Everybody else is getting one. Real estate is a pretty safe investment. Sooner or later (several years down the road yet) I'll want to own a home and I need to start positioning myself to get one. I DID SPEND LESS!! Yes, I spent money on crazy things sometimes, but overall I learned how to manage my finances more efficiently and I even opened a savings account.
3. Read more books. I used to read for personal pleasure at least 20 minutes everyday, but somewhere in the hectic schedule of 2005 I stopped reading and I MISS IT BIG TIME! I've got tons of books on the shelf that I haven't read, great bookstores in town, a library very close by -- there's no reason why I can't be reading. Well, I read some books. Nothing fantastic. But I did read some books this year. Yes, I'm still reading way more manuscripts and rough drafts than published work, but I am reading.
4. Make an effort to attend more events on my own and meet more new people. I'm talking about the Film Society movies on Thursday nights, the jazz bands at George's Roadhouse, gallery openings, etc. Initially I missed a lot of these things last year because they seemed to happen only when I was out of town, but as winter settles in and I'm not out of town as much and there are even more events happening in conjunction with Mount A, it would appear I've fallen into a comfort zone where I pretty much invent any excuse NOT to go to these things alone. What's up with that?! I've never minded going to things alone. Some things I've even preferred to go alone. I know it's healthy to enjoy spending time with yourself, but hermit-like antisocial behaviour is not healthy at all. This changes, right here, right now. Yeah, still kinda suck in this area. And this year it was even more challenging, cuz I'm truly NEVER here when things happen. So much so, I'm moving.
5. Get my passport. I don't have one, pretty much can't leave the country without one, and Italy looms on my horizon. I need to prepare for world travel. First logical step would appear to be a passport. Hmm. I kinda forgot about this one. Slipped off my radar. I got my medicare straightened out this year though . . . that must count for something? Maybe? Well, now everyone has to get a passport anyway to go to the states or anywhere, so I guess I'll have to get one or get left behind.
6. Attend the Harvest Jazz & Blues Festival. Every year I list events I want to attend. I've never listed this one though . . . and I've never attended, despite always wanting to, and sometimes even being in Fredericton when the event happens. So this year, it's the only event officially making my list. Yeah, this totally fell off the radar. Events in general did. This was not a year for going places and doing stuff. It started with a major excursion to Toronto and Bon Jovi and then the rest of the year was spent working and travelling for work. That's all. Year of the Buck, you know.
So I guess I accomplished about 50% of what I set out for myself, which isn't too bad considering the ones I excelled at were the most important and life changing ones. Hey, change is good. I'll take what I can get.
Okay. On to 2007. I've given this a lot of thought and decided to keep it super simple this year. Focused is key. So I wrote this up on the train yesterday.
The areas I will focus on in 2007 are:
1. Health
2. Work
And that is all.
Or more specifically:
HEALTH
1) Diet
a. Drink lots of water
b. Eat breakfast
c. Control portions
d. Nutrition & balance
2) Fitness
a. Walk everywhere, every day
b. Strength exercise consistently
c. Find an activity (or activities) that you enjoy and participate regularly (dancing, swimming, tennis, ?)
3) Mental
a. Yoga
b. Meditation
c. Sleep
WORK
1) Get organized & stay organized
2) Declutter and maintain
3) Plan and follow through
4) Focus and maintain focus
5) Get ahead of the workload and stay out in front
6) Develop time-saving and productive work habits
So, there you go. That's my focus for 2007. What's yours? Do you have a plan?
Mood: fantastic! the handyman guy just said I don't look a day over 28 :-D yes, he's too kind
Drinking: nothing, but I could if I wanted to
Listening To: Call Me When You're Sober, Evanescence
Hair: long and stringy
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