This Is Me, In My House, And My House Is On My Street . . .

That old thing from Sesame Street. Anyone remember that? My street is in my town, my town is in my state (or province in my case) . . . and so on and so forth until you're out in the universe. I remember being a kid and sitting in my closet with my toy box (I used to like hiding out in closets and other tiny out of the way places to think), closing my eyes and seeing myself, my house, my street, my town, my province, etc. When I would get out into the universe I'd freak out, get scared, because it felt like I had really left my body and I worried I wouldn't find my way back, because recognizing my own insignificance in the grand scheme of things was pretty frightening. Yes, even as a child I was . . . weird?

Looking back now, I would guess I was unknowingly putting myself into a meditative state and part of my fear had to do with my understanding that this was something more than the usual imaginings, but what exactly, I had no idea. Ignorance = fear.

I remember this today because I've taken out my chakra aromatherapy kit and spent some time trying to change my energy from the listless bum I've become over the past few days into the energetic productive person I constantly strive to maintain. The scent helped. Somewhat. The meditation . . . not so much. I couldn't get there. Couldn't quiet down. Couldn't turn off the thousands of things running through my brain that I need to do, that I want to do, that I've promised I will do, that I hope to accomplish one day. Sometimes it's just too much. The quiet is more difficult to find. The forward propulsion needs an extra large kick in the ass.

This week is starting out like that. It has begun poorly. But I'm gonna keep trying. I'm not going to give up. I'm gonna stick with it, reign it back in and regain control. A few unfocused days of blue aren't enough to undo the whole works.

Mood: bleary
Drinking: water, tho not enough apparently as i seem to feel a bit dehydrated
Listening To: rumblings in the street, the sky, on the train tracks that skirt the edge of town
Hair: needing another trim, persistently greying