Dawn

"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye, and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me." --Ann Landers

Seems outdated. Not the way to do it anymore. Now, we're being told to expect the best, visualize it, thank the universe for it before it happens, and it will all work out as you believed it would. Power of positive thinking. The secret. If we're listening, this is the message that is out there in the world today. Some people are picking it up, evolving.

I knew this when I was a kid. From the time I was very young right into my teenage years I thought I had a secret power. I knew if I could see the desired result in my head, if I never wavered from that vision, then it would work out just as I thought it would. If I couldn't see it, it wouldn't happen. I constantly surprised myself. Seemingly impossible things would be meditated on and then come true. Like winning the writing contest in grade four against 5th & 6th graders. Many an evening was spent imagining what the announcement would look like, where I would be sitting when I heard my name called. But even then, I didn't totally believe. I was speechless when it happened. I wrote about my secret power in childhood diaries I'm sure, I may have talked about it with my mom. Certainly I spoke of it in reverse enough. I said many times that if I didn't see it, it wouldn't happen, when it came to questions about marriage and children and all sorts of other things. I hadn't put it together that I could make myself visualize it, because it was always things that I didn't really care about anyway. If a split second search of the old noggin didn't zone in on a crystal clear picture, I said I couldn't see it, wouldn't happen. I didn't get that just because I wasn't visualizing it, didn't mean it couldn't happen.

So I didn't understand what I was dealing with, I had only a half-assed appreciation for the power of visualization. No concept of positive thinking on a regular basis. And as I got older and more hormonal in the teen years, it was difficult to be brooding, dark and mysterious and still be positive and spiritual. Things started to go haywire. Then journalism school, which if you're not already skeptical, is certainly the quickest way to become a cynic. And by the time I was 23 all I had was a fleeting memory that it seemed like I used to be able to make things happen, but it must have all been a fluke, I must've used up all my luck.

My re-awakening started the year I turned 30 and continues through today. I literally spent a solid year in my parents house, where I didn't really go anywhere or do anything. I spent most of my days and nights in a bedroom pounding out stories on an old word processor/typewriter. Just me and myself. Facing yourself is hard. Being honest with yourself is really hard. Exploring your motivations, recognizing your weaknesses, admitting your mistakes--it's damn hard. I did this everyday, 12-18 hours, for a whole year. It was spiritual. It was cleansing. It was therapeutic. It was one of the hardest things emotionally and mentally that I've ever done. When my unemployment ran out, I went to work, better and stronger than ever before. I likely could not have survived had I not taken this time alone, so beaten and broken down was I when I went into seclusion.

And last night another proof that my secret power is back. My brother's girlfriend stepped out of my mind and into my living room, exactly as I pictured her, exactly as I willed her to be. Such a nice girl! She's lovely. This is good. We had a really good dinner and conversation and I totally see this girl in our family.

Mood: happy
Drinking: coffee, lots of cream
Listening To: why is it that i never put the music on early anymore?
Hair: stringy because i put some greasy balm in it last night, which wasn't really good