Mad World

In last night's crazy ass dream I found myself at a big summer party. The kind with big canopy tents set up to shade tables covered with food and drinks. The kind with a band onstage in the centre. Perhaps a wedding, though nobody was dressed up. Nevertheless it was THAT kind of party. A sunshiny afternoon with all my family (both sides), friends and co-workers. I seemed to know everyone. Somebody tossed me a red feather boa and I was wearing it joking around about the things I could do with a boa. Somebody dared me to dance when one of my co-workers spouses arrived, which turned into a group chant until finally I agreed that I'd do it. She arrived (yes, it was a she, i think she may have been the guest of honour) and everyone was holding back giggles, smirking, the place quieted. The band stopped mid-song. And she's looking around like what's going on here. Almost miffed. And then the band starts the first bars of You Sexy Thing. It was hilarious. Like I was in the scene from The Full Monty when they're all waiting in the unemployment line. I woke up laughing before I got very far into the dance of the red feather boa.

This dream was probably brought on by all the sexy panty shopping last night coupled with thoughts of today's Mighty outing and after watching the episode of Weeds where Mary Louise does the brick dance.

Mood: pleasant
Drinking: coffee, black, seems i have gone black for good, good stuff!
Listening To: The Fray - How To Save A Life
via FoxyTunes
Hair: so frigging thick, i don't know what's going to become of it

We Get On

I'm having difficult sleeping. Getting to sleep. Staying asleep. Getting any rest with all the dreams swirling in my brain. Yes, there was a moon this week, not to mention a lunar eclipse, which we all know I'm highly influenced by. Still that's not all that's going on. I seem to be bothered.

A few years ago I looked up a woman who had made a big difference in my life when I was young. She influenced me, helped shaped me, I admired her, studied her, emulated her behaviour. I knew her during that awkward transition between teenager and adulthood. I was putty, becoming a woman, soaking up everything in the world around me and she was really the only strong woman I had in my life at that time. She taught me a lot about accepting responsibility for your own actions, about standing up for yourself and not letting people walk over you. I would be a completely different person today if I hadn't known her. Her impact on my life was huge. She left a permanent mark.

She was quite a bit older than me, closer to my mother's age than mine, and as I reached the age she had been when we met I felt the need as an adult woman to reach out and tell her exactly how much I appreciated all that she had done for me and to let her know she had been a major influence in my life, that she'd made a difference. She wasn't easily found, but hey, I've got a journalism degree! I was taught how to find people :-) So I found her and sent an email pouring out all my gratitude and thanks.

I don't know what I expected. Perhaps some new sage advice to help point me in the right direction in my current life. Maybe a funny exchange of email reminiscing about those crazy times. I don't know. But I expected something. I mean for over 15 years this woman was at the front of my mind, whispering guidance in my ear as I confronted and dealt with all kinds of unusual and mostly difficult situations. What would she do? was the constant question and I acted upon the answer. In some ways it was like our acquaintance never ended, but continued in my head all those years. So when I contacted this woman and she responded I expected something from her, something to validate all those years in my head. But what I got was nothing like expected. She barely remembered who I was. I had left very little lasting impression on her. There was no inspiring reconnection. There was no funny reminiscing. I was just a kid she worked with one time that she hadn't thought about in years. End of story.

This shocked me at first. How can someone be so important in your life and yet you don't even register in theirs? It was hurtful at first. I wished I hadn't reached out that I had just let my mind continue with its fantasies, gone to my grave wondering what ever happened to . . . I felt like my experience or at least my memory of the experience was a lie somehow, like it hadn't been what I thought it was. I felt foolish and stupid. It took a long time to get to a place where I understood where she was coming from. I mean I had been an 18 year old kid, what did I know? How could I possibly have taught her anything? And over the years how many young people have I worked closely with, perhaps impacted in some way without realizing? What would I do if one of them suddenly contacted me and I didn't remember them or just had some vague sort of recollection? Yeah, okay, I get it. And even this was a lesson from her. The last bit of mentoring. I realized I may have modeled my behaviour on her but sometime over the years I had become my own woman. I didn't need her whispering advice in my head anymore, because I could make my own decisions. Yes, I still think of her occasionally, but she's no longer taking up permanent residence in my frontal lobes, she's been relegated to the back rooms.

So, this week I can't sleep and some of it is due to the moon but some of it is due to my being bothered because it's happened again. I reconnected briefly with someone from the past. And everything I believed turned out to be a lie. I was forever changed, permanently scarred if you will, over something that wasn't even true, was in fact the polar opposite of the truth. And I can't stop thinking about it. And if that wasn't true, what other false things do I believe? Who else lied to me?

Mood: puzzled
Drinking: java juice
Listening To: Smashing Pumpkins - 1979
via FoxyTunes
Hair: soon gonna take the scissors to it

On Any Given Day

I went shopping last nite. Word to the wise: Do not go shopping when you're having a sweet tooth moment! All last week, every frigging day, I craved ice cream, chocolate bars, and multi-grain Tostitoes. And every day last week I refrained from going out to the Petro and indulging my craving. I exercised extreme willpower. Which all went up in smoke last night. Why is everything bad on sale? Or even worse, two for one? I won't list everything I bought, but suffice it to say I am without groceries, totally broke, and reduced to eating peanut M&Ms for supper . . . okay, maybe it's not quite that bad, but damn close! lol The good news is I got lots and lots of coffee! And I even got the fair trade stuff I really like but have only ever seen at Co-Op. Yay!

Despite my fall into the sugar pit, I'm feeling super fantastic! Finally, I'm able to harness some of this autumn energy in a good way generating ideas and excitement. Good stuff!

Of course, with a degraded diet and this yo-yo weather my arthritis is making itself known. But even that discomfort can't dampen today's high spirits. Am I on a sugar high? Hmm. Within the realm of possibility.

Exciting things afoot! Nothing I can talk about yet.

Mood: happy
Drinking: coffee, cheapo Compliments brand, regular grind, dark roast, black
Listening To: Goldfrapp - Beautiful
via FoxyTunes
Hair: looks pretty damn sweet in its new hat!

Til We're Not Strangers Anymore

Had a good day at the Mighty office yesterday. It's always good to connect with everyone and spend time there. One can go a little crazy when one tries to function solo for too long. The mind can wander, invent scenarios, make you paranoid :-) Mondays are hard for me because I never sleep on Sunday night, so I always feel out of sorts, a bit dull and dim, all fogged in come Monday morning, but hauling my ass for a Mighty fix always makes me feel better even if I always feel like the dumb dork in the corner. So I need to focus on the feeling better part and not procrastinate over the dumb dork part.

Late this afternoon I'm going shopping with my sister, Mom, and kids. Mom's doing her back to work/school clothes shopping but I just want to go to the Sobey's in Douglastown and pick up a few things. I have refrained from buying any groceries since I got back from Barnbonia, took a week to clean up on some stuff that's been lingering in my cupboard and fridge for a long time. I defrosted some chili. I made honey bran muffins and ate some no-name brand noodles and sauce. Yeah, that kind of cleaning up. It's mostly stuff my mother sends when she feels I am in need of groceries. She cleans out her cupboard of things they're not really eating and sends it to me. Lots of cans of soup. There's still lots in my cupboard and freezer to get rid of, but I'm done for now. Time to buy something new. I am hankering for some jerk chicken nachos and a bottle of wine!

Last night after work me and Stace went to the Bistro for drumstick squares! Yummy! But my piece was too big, it was too much, too sweet, I was a little dizzy and sickened by the end. I know, I know, why not just leave some on the plate and spare myself the agony? What can I say? When it comes to drumstick squares I have no self-control. At the same time that my body was saying one spoonful too many I was longing to pull a blame Renee's and lick the plate clean. They're just soooo good! I love them. And they are definitely different than the one's mom makes. I think there's peanut butter in the base on the bottom or something. There's something different about it, it's not just straight graham wafer crumbs. Anyway, got my fix for a bit at least. Now, I want to try and get one of the infamous homemade drumsticks they do at Park's Dairy Bar before they close for the season. I've heard that's something to experience. Must have one!

Been plagued by vivid dreams all week leading into tonight's full moon. It's exhausting. And it's hard to wake up when the dreams are so real and interesting and fun. No nightmares, thank God. I don't seem to have nightmares as much anymore. There was a time when everything I dreamed turned into a nightmare. Three and four bad dreams every night. Is it any wonder I was prone to insomnia? Life must be good. My dreams are creative now, still lucid, I'm still off to the side observing, but it's like I'm writing, I'm making movies in my head. Fun stuff!

Mood: chipper
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: Bon Jovi - (You Want To) Make A Memory
via FoxyTunes
Hair: stringy

Something Else

Last night I dreamed I was back in high school, but not as a kid, I was all grown up. It was like my high school class were visiting the school or there for a presentation or something. But all the students were there too, class was in session. Anyhow we ended up staying late, almost like we got detention or something, so we had to go home on the late bus. There was supposed to be a special late bus going directly to Barnettville, but somehow me and another girl ended up on the regular late bus, the one that goes back through Lockstead, down through Pineville and Renous and then on to Barnettville. We realized our mistake too late. She was wining about back pain, how she had three vertebrae fused together and needed constant chiropractic care. The bumps on the road were not helping. I told her about my own back pain, how I ended up flat on my back for weeks one time. She asked how many vertebrae I had fused together. I shrugged and said I didn't know, I'd never gone to the doctor about it, just rested until it got better. She was shocked. How do you know it was your back? she asked. Maybe you had a stroke. Don't strokes run in your family? I shrugged again. Do strokes run in families? She smiled knowingly. The bus stopped at an old Irving and all the kids piled off to go inside and buy candy. She went too. It was like Clayton Tucker's old garage only it was back Lockstead and there was a huge candy counter that I could see through the grimy windows. The bus driver got up to get off last and it was Archie Beaton. He looked back and noticed I was the only one left on the bus. Aren't you coming? he asked. I looked in at the kids buying pixie sticks and lick em fun dips, then looked back at him and shrugged. No, I said, I just want to go home.

Mood: starting to get hungry
Drinking: water
Listening To: Matt Mays and El Torpedo - Move Your Mind
via FoxyTunes
Hair: pony-tailed for better comfort

The Last Night

In the words of Bon Jovi:

There's nothing worse than living less
When you yearn for something more

I be yearning. I be yearning LOTS! Not today necessarily, but off and on throughout the months, mostly on, sometimes off. But what I need to do is stop yearning and get down to serious business. I can't even define what it is I yearn for, I just know I yearn. Gotta name it to claim it says . . . Dr. Phil? I need to do the mighty complex exercise my sister posted on her blog. Get to the root of this yearning and do something about it. Because right now I'm all over the place . . . boys, words, money, adventure, fitness, health, travel, family, etc. etc. I've no idea what I want. It's something we don't spend a lot of time thinking about. What do I want? Most of the time we just go along dealing with whatever happens. And frankly, it can be pretty scary to honestly sit down and identify what it is you want in all areas of your life. So we trudge along complacently accepting where we're at . . . I don't want to be that person, a person who just accepts their fate and never steps outside the box, who never breaks through the terror barrier.

I need my Simple Abundance book! Who's got it? And the other one too, Something More. Are they packed in my boxes of books awaiting a bookshelf? I think not . . . they're on loan someplace. I'm calling my mother. She'll know.

Yesterday I got so much done! But not the lamp. I tried really hard to hang this vintage 70s ceramic lamp I've been hauling around in a box for years now, but all I did was tear my ceiling to pieces. I need better hooks and help I think. I'm calling my mother! She'll help.

My mother's camping :-( I'll call her later.

So yesterday was a really good day. I mean a REALLY good day! And I totally know it's because I turned on the music. You just can't sing and dance to your favourite tunes and have anything but a good day. I think that's why I've been depressed this past while. I forgot to take any tunes to Barnbonia. I would listen to the Galaxy Rock Alternative station where I'd get the occasional Killers tune and lots of Marilyn Manson's Heart Shaped Glasses, but it just wasn't the same as having at the tip of my fingers, one click away, all my Jon Bon and all the Killers and the Scissor Sisters and Matt Mays and the Sex Pistols and the Black Eyed Peas and and and . . . you know, all the stuff that makes me happy, and making my own playlists on itunes. I function better with the music on. I know this. Silly to have forgotten to pack some tunes. Oh well, bygones, I'm back and it's on and all is well in my world again, my energy's on the rise.

I'm craving fish 'n chips. Suddenly. It just struck me. I will resist.

Mood: every which way
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: Bon Jovi - It 's My Life (Album Version)
via FoxyTunes
Hair: thick and hot in today's humidity

Moving Day

Over the past week I've been moving things around in the front rooms. Changing the lay-out, decluttering my money corner (and you thought i wasn't paying attention i bet!) and just trying to generally get all my furniture into more functional positions. I've missed the futon! I'm not kidding. I really haven't been using it much because the tv is in the bedroom and the futon just seemed to be in the middle of the other room all alone, only used for the occasional nap. So I moved my table and chairs into the living room in front of the big picture window. What a view! Moved the futon into the dining room where the table and chairs used to be. That was more functional and I immediately started using the futon, using the table and chairs, spending less time at the desk doing stuff like watching tv and eating, spending more time at the desk doing what I'm supposed to be doing like work and blogging and banking etc. But then there was the problem of the big empty living room versus the somewhat cramped and cluttered no longer dining room just strictly office. So today I moved the desk out of the money corner right by the window and into the opposite corner, so now I sit with my back to the window (which is less distracting, when I need to focus . . . hopefully) I took my white shelves into the living room and then I actually put up things on my wall! I hung pictures! And I'm liking the end result. Tons of floor space still, functional, even homey by times, F-U-N!! Come visit and see for yourself! I'll make jerk chicken nachos and open a bottle of wine!

A friend of mine is featured in the National Post. We met at Rye High in the days of journalism, when my head was filled with silly dreams of being a foreign correspondent. His stuff is amazing, really cool! It still freaks me out that he does this. Who knew?! I got to get me one of those clocks!

Mood: joyful
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: mr. brightside, the killers
Hair: long and loose, slightly damp from recent laundering

One Time . . .

In the early 90s when I lived in Toronto I was desperate to find work. There didn't seem to be many jobs at that time, seems like the economy was in a recession or something, but maybe not. And maybe I wasn't out of work all that long, maybe it just seemed really long in that early 20's everything takes so long kinda way. My lack of employment was causing a strain in my relationship though, so it was a big fat hairy deal. My hon couldn't take care of himself, let alone me, and though I didn't realize it at the time he counted on me to take care of him. God help him! Anyway, finding a job became my full-time job. I applied for everything I was remotely qualified. I registered and tested with every temp agency. I trekked all over the damn place for interviews from Markham to Scarborough out to Oakville and Burlington. If I could get there, no matter how long it took, I went. I was interviewing at three and four places a day, blindly groping around for anything. I suppose it only lasted a couple of months at the most before I got something good, because I remember I had EI from my job at the radio station in NB and by the time I got that all transferred and straightened out so I might actually receive a cheque I was employed full-time, so the good ole Ontario government didn't have to give me any money, which I'm sure pleased them immensely because they weren't too keen on people coming from the East Coast to collect UI.

Anyway, I remember this one interview I went to was way the hell north in . . . I wanna say Newmarket, but surely to God I did not take public transportation all the way to Newmarket! That's crazy. Must've been Markham. It took 3 buses and the subway to get as close as I could and then I had to walk for about 20 minutes from the bus stop way the hell into an industrial park type area to get to their building. It was probably a 2 and a half hour journey one way, which I would have had to do everyday twice if I'd got the job. But really there wasn't much chance of that.

This was an actual editorial position for some non-profit Jewish organization doing their newsletter and other publications. All the jobs I was interviewing for were administrative so I was pretty excited to get into a door in my field. I was ready to convert if they'd have me! I think they were willing to hire a lapsed protestant, but only if she had a general understanding of all things Jewish, which I didn't. And there went my one and only chance of meeting a nice Jewish boy and settling down for good :-(

So the interview was going really well and I was loving the people I'd be working with, the job I'd be doing. It was one of those rare times when I felt completely at ease immediately. The woman was upfront with me that I'd be a hard sell to her board because I didn't know the first thing about being Jewish, but she seemed like she really liked me and might go to bat for me if nobody better showed up. The interview ended I stood up, shook her hand, smiled and said good bye. Turned to leave and promptly fell in a heap on the floor. Damn weak ankles! She shrieked and came running from around her desk. I was so embarrassed, sitting there on the floor, putting on a brave smile and assuring her I was ok, just went over on my ankle, happens all the time (and it did then, sprained my ankle once a year it seemed). It was a really bad sprain that day. One of the worst I'd had in years. It instantly started to swell and turn purple as I made a hasty retreat from the nice lady's office, assuring her I would be okay, and yes I'd see a doctor.

Then I had to walk 20 minutes to the bus stop, in two and a half inched pumps, with a sprained ankle. And it was rush hour, so there were no seats on the bus. I had to stand most of the way home. For two and a half hours, in two and a half inched pumps, with a sprained ankle.

I've been on dozens and dozens of job interviews, but whenever I'm reminded of them, this is the one that always springs to mind. Seriously, how friggin Bridget Jones am I?

Mood: up in the air
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: just me, typing
Hair: uncertain of itself

New Addictions

I am addicted to Wasa Multigrain Crispbread. They are fantabulous!! And I'm not even kidding. I had tried the Ryvita Dark Rye Crispbread before but found it lacking. I wasn't that impressed. So then right before I took off to Barnbonia I had purchased the Wasa brand. Then I went off the deep end into the pit of burgers, nachos, fried chicken, french fries, ketchup chips, Rolo ice cream . . . you get the idea. I still haven't gone for groceries, haven't restocked a healthy larder here. I should be saving the Wasa for a healthy day! But I can't help myself. I love, love, love them! I spread them with peanut butter and enjoy with a hot cup of coffee or rooibos tea. They never go soggy. And they are totally yummy. Products like those make eating healthy easy.

Save the cheerleader, save the world. WOW! Just a few episodes and I am totally addicted to Heroes. I think Season One came out on DVD yesterday or maybe it's next week, but if you didn't get to see this during the regular season, you must get caught up before Season Two begins! I can't stop watching. The cliffhanger endings are going to be the death of me. I love the Japanese guys. I've been watching online, which you can also do if you have high-speed. There are only a few tv shows that I'd consider buying on dvd, and mostly they're sitcoms, like Seinfeld, Frasier and Friends, stuff that never gets old and you love to watch repeatedly, but Heroes, much like Lost, is one show where I would love to get hold of the extras, watch and analyze upside down right side up and sideways. I'm almost ready to turn comic book geek . . . almost.

I desperately want a pedometer. Studies show that people who focus on upping their steps to at least 10,000 per day have more success at maintaining an active lifestyle than people who focus on minutes or distance. So I want a pedometer. I've wanted one for awhile. My mom bought me one at the Dollar Store, but surprise surprise it really doesn't work. Then she gave me hers, which was an expensive good one back in the day . . . but it only measures in kilometres. So I want a good pedometer that's not going to break the bank. I'm not real sure what I'm looking for, which brands are good, what features are important . . . any thoughts? Anybody? I want to become addicted to movement. It's a thought.

Mood: in withdrawal
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: the dryer tumbling my jeans
Hair: still pulled back out of the way

Hello Again

So last night I slept in my own bed for the first time in three weeks. Sunday night I slept on the futon, I was just too wired, stayed up too late, too restless . . . Anyway, last night with a frost warning in effect I put on my fuzzy sheets, grabbed a book and headed to bed, falling asleep by a respectable 1am (given my tardy rising and the lateness of the night before). There's something about those sheets! I never never never want to get up when I'm in them. The alarm went about 6:30 and I was pretty much awake but oh so comfy and cozy . . . I turned off the clock and rolled back into my dream. I dreamed we were putting on a play I had written, the one that I've had rolling around my head for awhile now, the one I've got lots of notes on but haven't sat down to a complete first draft yet. In the dream it was done and we were in production, I'm not sure who the actors were but there were some definite plot twists that I didn't see coming! Fun stuff! So, I slept in again. And that's okay. I'm feeling pretty good. I feel like I'm slowly inching my way back to normal routine. I'm coming out of the foggy thought pattern and starting to see a bit more crisply. I'm even writing in my sleep. That's a good sign.

Mood: cheery
Drinking: coffee, black (i wonder how many calories i'm cutting just by foregoing the cream?)
Listening To: buddy upstairs puttering about his morning routine after another late night out
Hair: on my radar

The Surreal Life

Slept late, til just after 10. Last night some strange combination of complete exhaustion, Sunday Night Anxiety, joy and excitement at being home took hold and had me bouncing off the walls and ceilings until nearly 5am. A little knackered today, but trying to get on track, get organized and get stuff done. Somebody mowed the lawn at the house next door. FINALLY! Remember the puppy who used to live there? Remember when he moved away? Like ages ago! Yeah, lawn hasn't been mowed since then, until late last week. It was like a field, small trees coming up, grass to your thighs, weeds growing willy nilly, looks much better now.

The skin continues to peel off my arms from the super bad sunburn I got on the long weekend at the family reunion. It's kinda gross. I also think the kitty scratches on the palm of my hand are going to permanently scar, kinda sorta looks that way. A new life line! There are a couple on my arm that may leave scarring too, but maybe it just hasn't been long enough for them to go away completely yet.

Today I need to clean up my inbox, plan my week, do laundry, tidy up my bedroom and put on my fuzzy sheets (because I'm still cold!), edit a bunch of stories, determine what I need for groceries, take a shower, and maybe go to the store. I also need to catch up on last night's BB8. Yesterday I watched the Season Premiere of Weeds. Yay! I've also started watching Heroes. I'm only on the third episode but I'm liking it so far. Lets hear it for high-speed! :-)

Oh well, not getting anything done this way, am I? And she's off!

Mood: chipper
Drinking: coffee, fresh ground, organic, fair trade, french roast, black
Listening To: fish (probably trout) sizzling in a fry pan on a hot plate on the patio next to the one below me
Hair: pulled back out of the way

At Last!

I could weep! I'm so so so happy to be home and able to sleep in my own bed tonight! Two days short of three weeks is just too damn long to live in Barnbonia. The next time I have to be away for so long I will actually go someplace, do something. But not anytime soon, already I am dreading the weekend when I'll have to go again. When does summer holiday end? Two weeks? Cannot be soon enough for me. Bring on the snow! I'm ready to bundle up! I wonder just how much plastic on the windows will help . . . I guess we'll see. It could be intense.

I'm making rooibos tea and wondering how quickly somebody will post bb8 online tonight. Maybe I should just do the joker's updates thing. My thoughts are all over the place. I can't remember the last time I was so tired. I haven't slept well the whole time I've been away. Hopefully recovery won't take long.

Mood: happy
Drinking: rooibos
Listening To: fireworks? shots fired? church bells chiming the top of the hour
Hair: long enough for a little pony tail

Last Days

Up early this morning. The kitty seems to know the mornings I want to be up early. On those days she climbs into bed with me and kneads my shoulders and neck. Purrs insistently in my face. Meows and paces under the bed until I rise. She was doing this every morning (and all night long) when I first arrived, but in the time since she's taken to sleeping in the living room or lately in the spare room and mostly leaves me alone, except for those mornings when I need her as pesty alarm clock. Interesting, that.

I'm getting ready to leave. They might be back tonight, but definitely by tomorrow, so I'm washing the bedding, tidying up, making sure I don't leave a mess or anything for Stacy to worry or bother with when she gets home. I'm sure she's going to be exhausted after so many days away and so many of those spent on the back of a motorcycle. It will be nice if she can just go to bed and not have to bother with anything domestic. I haven't fallen into my usual slothful ways. I loved having a dishwasher! Yes, if I had one I would definitely use it. Though there is something therapeutic about hands in soapy warm water too.

Anyway, today I'm going into town to get my Aliant account straightened out and drop off the bulk of my stuff at home. I just need a few things for the weekend at Mom's, then Monday life returns to normal. Yay! Normal is good. There's something to be said for routine and being surrounded by your own stuff. I miss my place, my kitchen such as it is, my bed, my windows, the river, the boats, the boy upstairs and the new neighbors below. I miss all the sirens and all the watching and wondering about the goings on in people's lives around me. It's good for my creativity. There hasn't been much to speculate about here. I haven't seen much of the neighbors. Yes, getting back to my routine will be good! I'm looking forward to it. Gotta run and catch the rinse cycle!

Mood: chipper
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: galaxy rock alternative
Hair: again with the headband

@#$% Aliant!

So something's happened with my Aliant email account. I don't know how or why or what's even going on but somehow it seems like my password has been reset and now I can no longer log into my Aliant email online. They don't keep passwords on file, so the only way to fix it is to have them reset my account with a new password. Easy peasy, right? Except the only way to request that is to do so over the phone from the number connected to the email account ie. my apartment in town where I've not been living for two weeks. ARGH! So I haven't been able to check that account since Monday. Depending on how many big assed pictures or submissions that are coming through to that email instead of my BnM email, that account will go about 36 hours (give or take) before it fills and shit starts to bounce. Stuff might be bouncing now. I can't get to town until tomorrow. So, if you email and it bounces, you know why. If you email and you're expecting a response, now you know why I'm not answering. @#$% Aliant!

Comments from upstate New York!! Yay! That's exciting! Looks like the bikers will arrive back just in time for me to move to my Mom's house to stay with the dog while everyone goes camping. He's my dog, so I guess I can't really complain. Must get my fill of movies before I leave! Need to start PVRing like a mad woman, stay up all night glued to the screen before I return to no tv land.

Mood: angry at aliant
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: why are there so many big trucks on the road these days? is everyone trucking now?
Hair: still mike reno circa 1982

10 Days in the Valley

Ten days without a post. That's gotta be some sort of new record for me. Never have I been rendered so speechless as by this boring summer. What can I say? There are many trees, lots of drug traffic (literally traffic, as in cars coming and going to and fro the dealers), much tearing around leaving black marks and ruining perfectly good motors into the wee hours of the morning. Same old. Same old. The incessant chirp of peepers (because I'm living in a cedar swamp kind of) wears on my nerves.

Peepers! They're not just for nighttime anymore!

I find it rather chilly here most of the time. I know people all around the province are sweltering, but I haven't been one of them. Every day I throw open the windows and invite the heat into the house . . . but I'm lucky if I get up to 75 degrees by 7pm and then the whole thing starts to cool off again. Lots of shade here. I am constantly goose pimpled and seeking heavier sweaters. In a true heatwave, this is the place to be. I've been here for two weeks and nearing the end of this little experiment in kitty land just as I start to settle in and finally feel comfortable, just as the kitty begins to show signs that maybe she's ok with me being here and she understands I'm her girl as far as food and water goes. Isn't that always the way? It'll be nice to get home and sleep in my own bed. Something to look forward to at least.

I feel like summer came and went and I missed it. I started with such excitement and anticipation. This was going to be THE SUMMER! I was going places! Doing things! And then nothing happened. I just kinda want it all over now, so at least other people will stop doing things without me and we'll all be on the same boring page again. All this freezing to death stuff has brought on premature feelings of autumn . . . how I hate autumn! It's my worse season. So depressing. Just die already and snow!

Ok, enough of that, moving on to a different rant . . . what is up with me and married men? Like seriously. It's like I've got on a t-shirt that says "Kiss me if you're married!" It's always been like that. You can trace my married man history all the way back to 1983. I have a theory. It has to do with my fear of comittment. I give off an aura that says I'm not looking for anything long-term, married men pick up on that as they also are not looking for long-term. They hit on me. I am disgusted by the lack of comittment in marriage today thereby becoming even more fearful of comittment, afraid to trust . . . it's a vicious circle. How do I break free? Just when I think I'm ready to face the fear, the worst thing that can happen is I'll get hurt, been there, done that, lived . . . then some married guy comes out of the woodwork to show me just how silly the whole monagomy myth is and makes the inevitable possibility of being hurt all that more real, and I beat a hasty retreat behind the wall. Just once I'd like to meet a guy that doesn't or wouldn't cheat under the right circumstances. I don't know that he exists. And then I think maybe that's not even the ultimate goal, maybe I just need to find someone who will just be honest, whether monogamy plays into the relationship or not. A little honesty. How freaking refreshing would that be?

Can you tell I've been eating nothing but junk for two weeks? Yes, I'm a little off :-) I'm sure hormonal levels will return to normal once I've broken up with the french fry and rededicated myself to the romaine.

Mood: wacky
Drinking: coffee, starbucks, french roast, black
Listening To: jeepers peepers and . . . TRAFFIC!
Hair: headbanded like an 80's mike reno

Catching Up

Tuesday evening after a crazy hot day of cleaning and packing and working and getting ready to move myself for an extended away, I went to my mom's and spent the night. Nick was happy to see me. I guess. Wednesday I left my parents' and moved up the road and into Stacy's house. She is gone on vacation for 2 1/2 weeks and I am house/cat sitting. Yes, not being a cat person, I was wary of undertaking this task. And can I live/work in Barnettville without losing my mind . . . remains to be seen, lol.

The cat is a little challenging. She's probably upset by this change in her life. Her mommy is gone. I mean, if I were a cat I probably wouldn't be very pleased with me as the substitute caretaker. I've been trying. I'm following the routine. I'm getting up at 5:30 to let her outside. I'm rolling her ball around and trying to get her to play. I'm giving her treats and letting her sleep with me in the bed (as if there's a choice for me to make there! lol) Still, it's an adjustment. For both of us.

I am tired. I'm not sleeping well. And the cat seems to meow all night long, starting anytime after 2am and continuing periodically through until I let her out after 5. So I've slept maybe 8-10 hours total in the three night's I've been here, none of it deep and refreshing, just surface half asleep/half awake stuff. I drank a bottle of wine before bed last night. Knocks me out semi, but it's probably not the best medication either. I'm hopeful we'll adjust soon. Me and kitty. She did seem to sleep more herself last night, no meowing until around 5 when she could go outside. So I'm thinking it's just been the upset, the change, and now we'll get into the groove. Fingers crossed!

Yesterday was a DAY! I mean a real doozy! Sherry called and asked me if I wanted to go to town. I did! I wanted to check my mail at home, pick up a cd I had forgotten, check on things in general and pick up a few things at the grocery store.

There was a severe thunderstorm warning in effect.

Kitty was outside and I wanted her to come in before I left in case the storm happened while I was gone. I called. Sherry called. We both shook the treat bag and called some more. No kitty. So I called Janice and left a message on her machine that the cat was out in case it stormed, and could she come later and put her in. Then we went to pull out and I saw the kitty under the step (ignoring our calls and treat rattlings). So I got out took the treat bag and tried to coax her out from under the step. She was having none of it really.

The other evening when she escaped from the house past her outside time nearly after dark, I just picked her up and brought her back inside. Easy peasey. So when she came out from under the step I went to pick her up the same as I did the other night . . . not so easy peasey . . . she FREAKED OUT! I wasn't expecting claws and hissing and crazy squirming, yet I didn't let go, raced up the steps and put her in. Quickly closed the door. Crazy!

I had to go to Mom's and wash my scratches (bleeding) and douse my arms and hands in peroxide because everyone worries about infection. Note to self, up my garlic intake these next few days.

When you begin your day with a bloody fight, you should just stay home and hide.

No sooner had we got to Douglastown, when the brakes went on the van. We hung around Gary's work for a good 15-20 minutes and then ended up having to take his car and leave the van behind. No air conditioning. On the hottest most humid day yet. Yay!

Off to Newcastle with our hair whipping in the wind and the sweat dripping off the ends of our noses. We decided to go to Dixie Lee for lunch. Also, curiously, without air conditioning, only fans.

While we were in the liquor store the storm started. Thunder. Lightning. Rain. LOTS of rain! Soaked running to the car from the store. Sherry couldn't figure out how to run the wipers so I had to reach over and hold them on while she drove. No place close to park at Super Valu. A little lull in the storm though, so we didn't get any more soaked going in. Idling around the fresh produce there was a huge crack of thunder and simultaneously all the lights in the store went out. We looked out the big windows and all you could see was rain and debris. You couldn't see cars parked in the lot. You couldn't see the King George Hwy. Just rain and debris that seemed to be coming from two directions at the same time. You could hear the wind roaring. I wondered if a tornado struck directly onto the store how badly it would be damaged. It would be a bad place for a person to be, with so much stuff flying around. I wasn't surprised at all to find out that a tornado had been on the radar later when we got home.

We pretty much drove home without incident, but discovered we didn't have the keys to Sherry's house because we had switched vehicles in town, so we had to lug all her perishable groceries to Mom's fridge and wait for Gary to come home from work. Kitty was happier to see me when I got back. Didn't give me a hard time or anything. Slept better last night than others. So that was good.

Today I'm going to my family reunion. I'm making jerk chicken nachos for snacks. Yummy! Going to stay overnight. Will pass on cat duties to Janice for a day. Monday, we'll settle in for the long haul.

Mood: pretty good
Drinking: coffee, starbucks french roast, black
Listening To: wind chimes
Hair: pulled back in a pony