Constant Craving

I had to chew gum to control a cigarette craving a few minutes ago . . . I seldom crave them anymore. I honestly can't remember the last time. I'm one of those annoying former smokers who can't stand anything about cigarettes anymore, the smell, the smoke, the lingering stench -- BLECH!! I can smell a cigarette a mile away, my sense of smell for smoke is much keener than someone who has never smoked. I can be a bit annoying about it, very verbal.

But tonight, out of nowhere, completely unexpected . . . a genuine craving. But I know if I broke down, if I went out to the kitchen and pinched some of Dad's tobacco, rolled up a little smoke, lit it, put it to my lips and inhaled . . . I know if I did that I would probably pass out, at the very least have a terrible coughing fit, maybe throw up . . . and the craving would not go away, the craving would still be there, because I've moved past the physical stuff of the addiction, the nicotine and whatever other shit they put in tobacco these days to get people hooked.

The craving tonight is about the way smoking used to make me feel. Getting a little stressed -- have a smoke! Need to calm your nerves -- light up! Under immense pressure to get the job done -- suck back a pack! Yeah, that's what this craving is all about. I've got a bunch of stuff on the go. A bunch of deadlines all at the same time. A lot of people counting on me. My joints are all swollen and inflamed. My body is shutting down. I've been staying in bed up to 16 hours at a time but not actually getting much sleep, because I'm dreaming like a crazy person -- drafting proposals, writing novels and short stories and articles, editing stories, designing newsletters and websites, reading books, cooking, baking, writing recipes, throwing parties, moving, getting drunk, Christmas shopping, giving Nick a cut and shampoo, meeting the love of my life, visiting art galleries, going to concerts, and much more -- these are the things I dream about . . . in a single night! In a few hours! So, I'm a little bit freaked out and that's why after two and a half years I'm suddenly craving cigarettes.

This too will pass. As soon as I finish one project and cross it off the list, the rest will fall like dominoes. It's always the way. Just venting helps.

Mood: stressed
Drinking: coffee, dark roast
Listening To: Bob Dylan, Fourth Time Around
Hair: Squeaky clean Josephine! It's really blonde when it's not greasy!