Vanilla Sky

If I've talked about this before, I'm sorry. But I watched some of Vanilla Sky tonight . . . AGAIN!! And I just have to talk about it.

I put it in just to kill time, thought I'd watch some of the commentary track with Cameron Crowe. He is one of my favourite people in film. I honestly believe he's never made a bad movie. They are all excellent from Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Say Anything to Almost Famous and Vanilla Sky and every Jerry Maguire and Singles in between -- this is THE man in my book.

So, I slipped in Vanilla Sky just to listen to some commentary and kill a bit of time, but of course as soon as Tom Cruise gets into his car to head out into the empty dream street I want to hear the music. That's the thing with a Cameron film -- the music! He's got a great ear. So, then I had to turn the commentary off and start over from the beginning and watch the movie as it was intended, just to hear the tunes. And then the story sucks me in . . . it sucks me in every time . . . I know every word, everyone's lines . . . I mutter them under my breath right along with the cast . . . and still, I get sucked into this movie time after time, more than any other film ever made. I watched right up until that moment in the park after the accident when David meets up with Sofia and tells her about the bad dream he had . . . I watched right up until he realises that his bad dream is real and this thing in the park with Sofia is the dream, when Tom Cruise looks right into the camera and his eyes cloud over with tears as understanding settles upon him. Then I cried and turned it off. It's too late to watch all of it, I'll be up all night as it is.

This movie kills me . . . it just KILLS me. And I can't understand, can't get my head around it, when other people say it's a stupid movie and they don't like it. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?! I don't expect this film to move everybody on ALL the levels that it moves me . . . but surely, it's got to hit upon at least one? It baffles my mind when people trash this. For me, it's emotional overload -- I identify with every character.

I have been David Ames. I have treated people carelessly like he treated Cameron Diaz's character. I've been on that street with my fuck buddy and weighing the options whether to take the chance one more time or just walk away forever. I've had that terrible moment of clarity when you realise that everything you believed was wrong, that it was all a lie, all a dream.

At the same time I've been Julie Gianni, I've been the fuck buddy who wanted more, who expected more, who thought four times meant something. I've been treated carelessly and hurt by people I did nothing to only loved. I've fallen in love with people who didn't love me back. I've lived that psychotic scene in the car just before she crashes it, when she says all those things to David. I've been that girl.

But I've also been the other girl played by Penelope Cruz. I've had the evening of witty banter and danced about the room afterward with the expectation of it all. I've had perfect evenings like that where the conversation comes so easy and you know that you've met someone special in your life. I've shared in the pleasure delaying of not sleeping with that guy, with not complicating a perfect beginning with sex. And I've also had that first evening shattered for one reason or another, maybe not a devastating car crash that turns the guy into an asshole, but I've had the disappointment of realising that one perfect night, the wonderful beginning, isn't going anywhere, that's all there will be.

I've even felt like the best friend, Brian, played by Jason Lee. He talks a lot about sweet 'n sour and you know he's been coming second behind Tom Cruise for as long as they've known each other. I've been that best friend. I've gone home alone. I've known I was second choice.

I think it's because I can identify with every character on so many levels that this movie kills me every time . . . it kills other people too I'm sure. The story is sad. But for me it's more than just sad, it's personal, everything that happens in this movie brings up very vivid and difficult memories from my life. Every time I watch it I run the gamut of emotions -- it's gut wrenching . . . I cry EVERY time . . . and that's a lot of times, because I've seen it a lot.

So, why would I subject myself to this? Why wouldn't I just stop watching?

For one thing, the movie is too damn good to never watch again. But more than that, it's like therapy. The more I relive those emotions, the more I understand them, and the better equipped I am to deal with them and face similar situations in the future. It's like writing, the more I write, the more I deal with my inner demons, the more I understand myself and the better equipped I become to deal with my life. It just happens that this movie struck upon a whole shitload of my inner demons . . . I need to watch.

Mood: deja vu
Drinking: Red Red Wine
Listening To: Radiohead, Everything in its right Place
Hair: Beyond oily