This is me, up early, so not ready to leave later today. It's difficult to pack a work life for so many days away, without the aid of a laptop . . . or even a computer at the other end at all. Challenging. Oh well. I'm not complaining. Finally! I'm going to get a little bit of Christmas!
This Evanescence song grows on me. (See post title.) At first I didn't really care for it, but I'm coming around.
So I switched to the new blogger . . . need to fix my template, update my profile, etc. I lost some stuff. Well, it's around, not lost, just not visible.
Watched the movie 8 Mile on Much Music last night. I had never seen it before. It's not the same seeing it on Much because it's highly censored for kids viewing. It was okay. Typical. But okay.
How to pack? That is the question at hand. The last of the clothes spin in the dryer. Gifts are already all packed. Have been for a week. I'm kinda sorta organized. Kinda. Sorta.
Got a Christmas card from my almost mother-in-law in Toronto. My other family. Now an angel looks down upon me from the top of my monitor. I sent them a card in the great Christmas mailing of 2006. And a copy of BnM's first issue. I've never found another family to attach myself to, that I felt like one of. Many mothers wanted me nowhere near their sons. I've missed having contact with them while I had my breakdown and sorted myself out. So I was glad to hear from them. I owe this family so much, relationship with the son aside. They took me in, treated me like one of their own. It was the best of times, the worst of times, but I can't even imagine what it would've been like if I hadn't gone there, didn't know them. If I had taken an apartment downtown, lord only knows what would've happened to me! No doubt about it, these are significant players in my life circle. They've been around the block with me more than once.
Mood: springing into action, groggily
Drinking: coffee, french roast, organic, with lots of cream
Listening To: Promiscuous Girl, Nelly Furtado
Hair: looks like i slept with a headband in and then took it out . . . oops!
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Last night I finally broke down and took some sinus meds before going to bed. Drowsy ones I found in my medicine chest. I woke up groggy (of course) and feeling like I must've slept until late afternoon (I didn't). I'm still groggy, yawning. I'm hoping the coffee will help. All week I've felt crappy. And the dreams last night! The frigging dreams! So much walking. And with Nick on a leash everywhere I went. We were at Grammie and Grandad's in the Rapids. Some sort of family gathering. But not concentrated like the reunion I went to this summer. More scattered. People hanging out with their people all over, from way back in the field to the shore. So you could be alone, you could walk around without everyone knowing. And there was some sort of crime that had gone on, like a theft I think. Someone had been robbed and a few of us knew who had done the robbing, knew it was family, but didn't want to say and rock the boat. Except someone did say. Someone wrote an anonymous note. And then I was asked to examine the note to see if I could identify the handwriting. And I could. I knew who wrote the note. But I pretended I didn't know so she wouldn't get in trouble (Trish, you owe me a thanks!) because they didn't believe what the note said, didn't believe they had been robbed by family, and were out to punish the note-writer for being cruel and stirring up trouble. It was an exhausting ordeal that ended with me and Sherry (and Nick on a leash) walking down the hill and heading out toward Blackville and then Barnettville and home. It's a long walk. I know because I've done it before (remember that, carol?) And with a dog on a leash . . . oh boy! Luckily the meds wore off some and I woke before we got too far.
Oh thank God! The coffee seems to kicking in and I'm shaking off the grog. Lots to do today in anticipation of tomorrow's leave-taking. I need to kick it into overdrive. I don't return until the 2nd. Blogging might not happen until I return. We shall see. Listening to Christmas music to try and get some spirit back. I had tons of spirit. Tons. Couldn't wait until the holiday. But I'm fading fast. The more I talk to the people there, the more I get sucked down into the negative vortex that is their exhaustion and worry. Sometimes I just feel like pulling a Cher, slapping everyone upside the head, "SNAP OUT OF IT!" Well not everyone, to be fair. One sister got what could be construed as some pretty bad news (though I choose to believe it's really a blessing in disguise) and she's okay, has a good attitude about it. That's one good thing about living here, maintaining my distance from the negativity, so it doesn't drag me down, so I don't feed into it.
There has been progress on that front in recent years. There's been some development. But in times of stress, old habits are all too easy to slip back into. That's the test I think. Can you keep the faith in times of stress? Furthermore, can you draw strength from your belief and use it to help you get through, to ease the burden of the stress? My family isn't there yet. Me neither. Mind you, it's gotta be pretty big before I run up against the wall. Money doesn't do it for me. The only thing that got me (I mean REALLY got me) in recent years was my nieces' diabetes. That got me. Not for very long. But I did get lost during that time. It was a shock. To come up against that wall and find myself blocked. I thought I was more evolved. Maybe I needed to experience that in order for evolution to continue?
Anyway, I may not be able to choose for everyone else to have a good time and enjoy the season, but I can choose for myself. So I'm choosing to have a good Christmas. And I'm hoping that attitude might be reflected back at me.
Mood: ok
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Here Comes Santa Claus, Gene Autry
Hair: ???
Oh thank God! The coffee seems to kicking in and I'm shaking off the grog. Lots to do today in anticipation of tomorrow's leave-taking. I need to kick it into overdrive. I don't return until the 2nd. Blogging might not happen until I return. We shall see. Listening to Christmas music to try and get some spirit back. I had tons of spirit. Tons. Couldn't wait until the holiday. But I'm fading fast. The more I talk to the people there, the more I get sucked down into the negative vortex that is their exhaustion and worry. Sometimes I just feel like pulling a Cher, slapping everyone upside the head, "SNAP OUT OF IT!" Well not everyone, to be fair. One sister got what could be construed as some pretty bad news (though I choose to believe it's really a blessing in disguise) and she's okay, has a good attitude about it. That's one good thing about living here, maintaining my distance from the negativity, so it doesn't drag me down, so I don't feed into it.
There has been progress on that front in recent years. There's been some development. But in times of stress, old habits are all too easy to slip back into. That's the test I think. Can you keep the faith in times of stress? Furthermore, can you draw strength from your belief and use it to help you get through, to ease the burden of the stress? My family isn't there yet. Me neither. Mind you, it's gotta be pretty big before I run up against the wall. Money doesn't do it for me. The only thing that got me (I mean REALLY got me) in recent years was my nieces' diabetes. That got me. Not for very long. But I did get lost during that time. It was a shock. To come up against that wall and find myself blocked. I thought I was more evolved. Maybe I needed to experience that in order for evolution to continue?
Anyway, I may not be able to choose for everyone else to have a good time and enjoy the season, but I can choose for myself. So I'm choosing to have a good Christmas. And I'm hoping that attitude might be reflected back at me.
Mood: ok
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Here Comes Santa Claus, Gene Autry
Hair: ???
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Ain't So Heavy
Stolen from Jenn.
What was your favorite movie in 2006?
If I had to pick just one, I'd say The Departed. But I also really liked Bon Cop, Bad Cop and Inside Man and of course, The Holiday.
What was your favorite book in 2006?
Not a big year for reading anything that wasn't in a magazine or in manuscript format, I'm afraid. Certainly didn't read any hot new releases. Actually, that's not true, I did read a couple, but nothing that I loved.
Are you richer or poorer?
Richer. Always richer.
Thinner or fatter?
The very same. Which on the one hand is a depressing plateau. But on the other hand . . . I lost a bunch of weight in 2005 and kept it off in 2006, so I'm not knocking maintenance.
What kept you sane this past year?
An unshakable belief in myself and my ability to deal with anything that happens.
Which personal accomplishment in 2006 are you most pleased with?
Number 2 from yesterday. The fact that this year I made real strides toward being the person I want to be.
What resolutions have you made for '07?
I haven't set my goals for the year yet. That's coming soon, along with an assessment of how well I did on the 2006 goals. I know I want to focus a lot on my list of 101 things.
Which bad habit are you most motivated to break?
Lack of physical activity/exercise in my lifestyle.
Which do you expect to keep?
If past years are any indication I'll go about 85% of the way.
What are you most looking forward to in 2007?
Moving again and seeing where that adventure leads me.
Mood: dozy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Who I Am, Rex Goudie
Hair: needs a trim and a dye job
What was your favorite movie in 2006?
If I had to pick just one, I'd say The Departed. But I also really liked Bon Cop, Bad Cop and Inside Man and of course, The Holiday.
What was your favorite book in 2006?
Not a big year for reading anything that wasn't in a magazine or in manuscript format, I'm afraid. Certainly didn't read any hot new releases. Actually, that's not true, I did read a couple, but nothing that I loved.
Are you richer or poorer?
Richer. Always richer.
Thinner or fatter?
The very same. Which on the one hand is a depressing plateau. But on the other hand . . . I lost a bunch of weight in 2005 and kept it off in 2006, so I'm not knocking maintenance.
What kept you sane this past year?
An unshakable belief in myself and my ability to deal with anything that happens.
Which personal accomplishment in 2006 are you most pleased with?
Number 2 from yesterday. The fact that this year I made real strides toward being the person I want to be.
What resolutions have you made for '07?
I haven't set my goals for the year yet. That's coming soon, along with an assessment of how well I did on the 2006 goals. I know I want to focus a lot on my list of 101 things.
Which bad habit are you most motivated to break?
Lack of physical activity/exercise in my lifestyle.
Which do you expect to keep?
If past years are any indication I'll go about 85% of the way.
What are you most looking forward to in 2007?
Moving again and seeing where that adventure leads me.
Mood: dozy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Who I Am, Rex Goudie
Hair: needs a trim and a dye job
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
10 Best Things That Happened to You This Year
Ok. Good stuff! Here we go!
1. The year started strong with a trip to Toronto where we lived like queens for a couple of days, visited old friends and attended a Bon Jovi concert.
2. This year I became a person who drinks water, eats breakfast more than half the time, rises earlier in the day, gets the trash to the curb every week, saves money, pays bills on time (or weeks before on time), kills creepy crawlies all by herself, keeps her inbox cleaned out, organizes her daily tasks and follows the plan . . . and much more. Yes, technically these are a bunch of things that should be listed separately. Perhaps I'm cheating. But they are all connected -- This year I made real strides to becoming a better person, the person I've always wanted to be.
3. In March I saw Sam Roberts in concert and he was fabulous!
4. Reading at the Ice House during Fredericton WFNB AGM.
5. Got my hair cut and returned to my naturally short inclinations.
6. Joined the McCann Group and made new creative friends.
7. BnM went into print production.
8. My list of 101 Things in 1001 Days.
9. Many emceeing opportunities arose (AGM, Cafe Poetry Reading, Side by Side)
10. Reconnected with roots and family, shared many good times with friends and family.
Mood: a little spaced out
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: keyboard clicks
Hair: in my eyes
1. The year started strong with a trip to Toronto where we lived like queens for a couple of days, visited old friends and attended a Bon Jovi concert.
2. This year I became a person who drinks water, eats breakfast more than half the time, rises earlier in the day, gets the trash to the curb every week, saves money, pays bills on time (or weeks before on time), kills creepy crawlies all by herself, keeps her inbox cleaned out, organizes her daily tasks and follows the plan . . . and much more. Yes, technically these are a bunch of things that should be listed separately. Perhaps I'm cheating. But they are all connected -- This year I made real strides to becoming a better person, the person I've always wanted to be.
3. In March I saw Sam Roberts in concert and he was fabulous!
4. Reading at the Ice House during Fredericton WFNB AGM.
5. Got my hair cut and returned to my naturally short inclinations.
6. Joined the McCann Group and made new creative friends.
7. BnM went into print production.
8. My list of 101 Things in 1001 Days.
9. Many emceeing opportunities arose (AGM, Cafe Poetry Reading, Side by Side)
10. Reconnected with roots and family, shared many good times with friends and family.
Mood: a little spaced out
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: keyboard clicks
Hair: in my eyes
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
How Can You Mend A Broken Heart
Sooner or later you're going to be inspired. You know who you are.
1) What was your very first job with a paycheck?
In my graduating year of high school I wrote a weekly column highlighting events at my school for the local community newspaper. They'd send me a cheque every two weeks or so for maybe $20. My first real out in the world job was at a pet store in Sherway Gardens. I worked with dogs mostly, which I loved. The manager was a big time asshole though. I did not stay there long.
2) Did you ever lose something really important to you?
I did. During a 10-month hiatus from Toronto spent mostly in the rip roaring rapids I lost my Goodnight Desdemona t-shirt that I got when I worked the stand during intermission for the Nightwood Theatre production of the play. I suspect it remained in the rapids. I also lost my hard cover copy of Stephen King's The Stand during that little jaunt. I can only hope he read it.
3) What is the best Christmas present you ever received?
Last year's wok is hard to top these days. Glassware is always good too.
4) Tell about a favorite "hang out" place for you and your friends when you were in high school.
Hmm . . . early teens we did the whole Herbie's Pool Hall thing . . . but I wouldn't call us regulars. Before there were cars we hung out at the Brook Hill, the turn or the end of the road. But that was all early high school (is it called middle school now?) like pre grade 10. Once the boys graduated, they got jobs and cars and that was pretty much it. We hung out quite a bit at my parent's house too. Everyone always did. My parents would rather have us party at home with them than out in a ditch someplace.
5) Name something that always brings a smile to your face.
Johnny Depp as Hunter S. Thompson in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. That movie cracks me, every time, without fail.
6) Choose one: Popcorn, Pizza, Pretzels, Peanuts, or Pasta.
Pizza
7) If you won a shopping spree, from which store would you want it to be?
Anywhere would be good . . . but maybe a department store that has a little bit of everything, like Sears or Zellers.
8) Which television show re-runs do you enjoy watching?
Friends, Fraser . . . Does Take Home Chef count?
9) About how many times per day do you check your email?
Good Lord! It's just constantly on (checking every minute I think) so when something comes in, I handle it. Or if I'm busy working on something else then I'll wait. I check it usually at least once an hour.
10) If you had the money to collect something really valuable, what would it be?
Art
Mood: fantastic
Drinking: chai tea
Listening To: Try a Little Tenderness, Michael Buble
Hair: fluffy
1) What was your very first job with a paycheck?
In my graduating year of high school I wrote a weekly column highlighting events at my school for the local community newspaper. They'd send me a cheque every two weeks or so for maybe $20. My first real out in the world job was at a pet store in Sherway Gardens. I worked with dogs mostly, which I loved. The manager was a big time asshole though. I did not stay there long.
2) Did you ever lose something really important to you?
I did. During a 10-month hiatus from Toronto spent mostly in the rip roaring rapids I lost my Goodnight Desdemona t-shirt that I got when I worked the stand during intermission for the Nightwood Theatre production of the play. I suspect it remained in the rapids. I also lost my hard cover copy of Stephen King's The Stand during that little jaunt. I can only hope he read it.
3) What is the best Christmas present you ever received?
Last year's wok is hard to top these days. Glassware is always good too.
4) Tell about a favorite "hang out" place for you and your friends when you were in high school.
Hmm . . . early teens we did the whole Herbie's Pool Hall thing . . . but I wouldn't call us regulars. Before there were cars we hung out at the Brook Hill, the turn or the end of the road. But that was all early high school (is it called middle school now?) like pre grade 10. Once the boys graduated, they got jobs and cars and that was pretty much it. We hung out quite a bit at my parent's house too. Everyone always did. My parents would rather have us party at home with them than out in a ditch someplace.
5) Name something that always brings a smile to your face.
Johnny Depp as Hunter S. Thompson in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. That movie cracks me, every time, without fail.
6) Choose one: Popcorn, Pizza, Pretzels, Peanuts, or Pasta.
Pizza
7) If you won a shopping spree, from which store would you want it to be?
Anywhere would be good . . . but maybe a department store that has a little bit of everything, like Sears or Zellers.
8) Which television show re-runs do you enjoy watching?
Friends, Fraser . . . Does Take Home Chef count?
9) About how many times per day do you check your email?
Good Lord! It's just constantly on (checking every minute I think) so when something comes in, I handle it. Or if I'm busy working on something else then I'll wait. I check it usually at least once an hour.
10) If you had the money to collect something really valuable, what would it be?
Art
Mood: fantastic
Drinking: chai tea
Listening To: Try a Little Tenderness, Michael Buble
Hair: fluffy
Something
One time I worked with this guy who was very Joey-like (Matt LeBlanc's character from Friends). He was Italian and had that "How you doin'?" smile thing going on. So frigging cute! He was one of the junior techies, hardware not software. You didn't call him when your computer got the blue screen of death but they might send him out to assess the problem with the roll of paper in the fax machine or to pull the back off your tower and look at all the wires and chips. He was built like Joey. Thick through the shoulders and chest, strong legs, ample butt. He worked out. One dimple when he smiled. Great smile. He kinda looked like a cross between Josh Hartnett and Ashton Kutcher in the face. Boyish. Very good looking. He was young. I remember thinking he was young and now I'm wondering how I could've thought that considering I wouldn't have been more than 24 myself at the time. What was he? 21? It's funny I can't remember his name now, maybe something short like Mark or Kurt or . . . Will? No, definitely not Will. Maybe it was Matt or Mike, I'm getting an em sound off him.
So the guy was drop dead gorgeous. And he knew it. But he didn't want to be just another pretty boy. He struggled with being taken seriously, which was quite the struggle really because quite honestly he was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. And we had some pretty sharp tech geeky knives in our drawer! So he struggled. We weren't really friends. Well, I didn't think of him as a friend, though now I'm remembering lunches and bars and all these things we did as a small group of co-workers/friends and he was there. I felt bad for him because so much of the conversation would seem to go over his head. He would just nod and smile and you could see the cogs turning in his brain, the faraway look in his eyes as he searched for understanding. I often wondered if someone, his family or a teacher or girlfriend or someone, had told him he was stupid, that thank god he had a beautiful body because that was all he had going for him. Because he seemed like was trying to prove something to someone, himself, the world. I always wondered about that.
The gay guys in the office (and for some reason over 50% of this office were homosexual, which wasn't unusual in arts places I worked but didn't seem to be norm at any other tech place I worked) loved him. They would hang around my desk so we could ogle his behind together when he came out to use the photocopier. He was not homophobic. He didn't get uptight at the ogling, just embarrassed. He would blush when the boys got too verbal with their teasing. He wasn't gay though. Well, if he was, he wasn't openly. He was openly dating a plethora of beautiful and exotic looking women. I never saw him with the same girl twice. I never saw him with a white girl.
So we would go out after work, a half dozen of us or so. Dinner downtown or on the Danforth and then club hopping if we were downtown or dancing and darts at our favourite watering hole if we were on the Danforth. I was not interested in this gorgeous boy, (I was actually carrying on a not-so-discreet affair with one of the office accountants) but I was curious about him. And I've always wondered why I was so curious about him. Finally, I think I've figured it out. Why I watched him then. Why I remember him still. I think he's the best looking person I've ever known. I think he was the most handsome man I've ever seen in real life. I observed him with the curiosity of a freak show patron. I had never seen anything like him before in my life and I wondered what made him tick. He was not bright or witty enough to be anywhere near my type. And I didn't get the feeling that he would be much fun in bed, just too good looking to have to try. I had no desires upon him whatsoever in that boy/girl way, and yet I found him fascinating. Because he seemed to be struggling so much to be taken seriously. Because he seemed to be so easily hurt by the playful ribbing of co-workers. Because he knew he was gorgeous, but that wasn't what he wanted--he wanted to be smart.
I didn't know it at the time, but I was collecting him for future use. Someday this boy will show up in one of my stories.
Mood: nostalgic
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: white noise
Hair: my dye isn't permanent :-(
So the guy was drop dead gorgeous. And he knew it. But he didn't want to be just another pretty boy. He struggled with being taken seriously, which was quite the struggle really because quite honestly he was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. And we had some pretty sharp tech geeky knives in our drawer! So he struggled. We weren't really friends. Well, I didn't think of him as a friend, though now I'm remembering lunches and bars and all these things we did as a small group of co-workers/friends and he was there. I felt bad for him because so much of the conversation would seem to go over his head. He would just nod and smile and you could see the cogs turning in his brain, the faraway look in his eyes as he searched for understanding. I often wondered if someone, his family or a teacher or girlfriend or someone, had told him he was stupid, that thank god he had a beautiful body because that was all he had going for him. Because he seemed like was trying to prove something to someone, himself, the world. I always wondered about that.
The gay guys in the office (and for some reason over 50% of this office were homosexual, which wasn't unusual in arts places I worked but didn't seem to be norm at any other tech place I worked) loved him. They would hang around my desk so we could ogle his behind together when he came out to use the photocopier. He was not homophobic. He didn't get uptight at the ogling, just embarrassed. He would blush when the boys got too verbal with their teasing. He wasn't gay though. Well, if he was, he wasn't openly. He was openly dating a plethora of beautiful and exotic looking women. I never saw him with the same girl twice. I never saw him with a white girl.
So we would go out after work, a half dozen of us or so. Dinner downtown or on the Danforth and then club hopping if we were downtown or dancing and darts at our favourite watering hole if we were on the Danforth. I was not interested in this gorgeous boy, (I was actually carrying on a not-so-discreet affair with one of the office accountants) but I was curious about him. And I've always wondered why I was so curious about him. Finally, I think I've figured it out. Why I watched him then. Why I remember him still. I think he's the best looking person I've ever known. I think he was the most handsome man I've ever seen in real life. I observed him with the curiosity of a freak show patron. I had never seen anything like him before in my life and I wondered what made him tick. He was not bright or witty enough to be anywhere near my type. And I didn't get the feeling that he would be much fun in bed, just too good looking to have to try. I had no desires upon him whatsoever in that boy/girl way, and yet I found him fascinating. Because he seemed to be struggling so much to be taken seriously. Because he seemed to be so easily hurt by the playful ribbing of co-workers. Because he knew he was gorgeous, but that wasn't what he wanted--he wanted to be smart.
I didn't know it at the time, but I was collecting him for future use. Someday this boy will show up in one of my stories.
Mood: nostalgic
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: white noise
Hair: my dye isn't permanent :-(
Monday, December 18, 2006
Cruisin'
More Meme. Why not? You could do it too . . .
Crushes
1) Who was your first crush? (Celebrity or average)
My first celebrity crush was Elvis Presley. I loved him! I remember his movies were on every afternoon. I watched them all. I dreamed about growing up and marrying Elvis. I was devastated the day he died. I remember sitting at the coffee table in the living room eating breakfast when the news came on Canada A.M. It was terrible. I cried. Mom helped me cut the news story from the paper to keep forever. I seem to have misplaced my boxes of things I was supposed to keep forever. But it was still there in the early 1990's. My first average crush happened in the first grade. Kendall Crawford. Gawd! He was adorable. The cutest little boy, dark hair and eyes, dimples, big smile. Of course, I was the Amazon Woman-child. Really tall. Pudgy. Painfully shy. With that long blonde hair down to my bum. I worshipped him from afar. I remember the day of the Christmas pageant I went into the washroom to change from my everyday clothes into my good blue pantsuit and as I was coming out he was running around the corner and crashed into me. He said he was sorry and then stopped and looked at me and it was like the first time he'd ever seen me and he said I looked really nice. I thought I'd die! He moved away after grade one and I never saw him again, but that little comment sustained me through all of elementary school when I felt very much the ugly duckling.
2) Who do you currently have a crush on now?
Every boy I see! lol Just kidding. Kinda. Hey, there are a lot of fine looking, athletic, well educated young gentlemen roaming around these parts. I'm only human. I don't have any average life crushes at the moment, tho I've got a feeling in my gut. I've had it for a couple of weeks now. It could be nothing . . . but I have this nagging feeling of excitement that I'm going to meet someone new soon. Someone substantial. Not just a passing crush. We shall see. My big celebrity crushes are the usual suspects Cillian Murphy, Matt Damon . . . but recently I've also gone nuts for Gale Harold and Timothy Olyphant. Yeah, that tall, lean, dark haired thing of my youth resurfaces. Blonde boys might be passe . . . finally!
3) Have you ever become so obsessed with a crush, you went to extreme measures to find out everything about him/her?
Oh god yes! I've been insane at times. I mean certifiable. Not recently, mind you, but definitely in my 20's I was a crazy woman most of the time.
4) Has your crush ever turned out to be your future girlfriend/boyfriend?
Absolutely. I had a crazy crush on Kevin when I moved to Toronto (even from before I moved there, from years earlier when I visited). I was so smitten! And I never dreamed that he'd ever give me more than a passing glance. He was so much older and unavailable and experienced and good looking and just cool. The first kiss was drop dead shocking. The dawning realization that it wasn't just about sex, that we were having a relationship, equally shocking. I don't think I ever really believed I deserved him. I think that's the only one where I clearly had a crush before we got together. Well, except for Ronnie. I was crushing on Ronnie a bit before we got together. The others were all crushing on me before I realized they existed or it was a mutual spontaneous combustion thing. Ronnie and Kevin, hah! I need to stay away from that family!
5) Did a best friend ever turn into more than just a friend?
Ahh, this is complicated . . . kinda? Not really? I dunno. I've only had a couple of best friends who were guys and . . . well, it's complicated. Yes, it seems to always turn into something, but what exactly? I dunno, not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. One guy friend in particular, we had a very up and down explosive sort of friendship/sex thing but never a relationship. We should have had a relationship. We might have been good together. We might have brought out good things in one another. We understood one another. We were both players. He wanted more. By the time I came around to that though, he was gone. Story of my life. Bad timing.
6) In what year did your life change the most?
2000. No doubt about it. I entered an intense period of personal development and change beginning day one of 2000 when I threw up all over the floor in a stranger's bathroom. That was it for me. I had been slowing down somewhat in the latter part of the year 1999, but New Year's Day of the new millennium was like hitting the brick wall. I stopped for the first time to ask myself why I was doing this? What did I want? Why wasn't I doing that instead?
7) Who is the person you most wanted to have a relationship with but didn't?
Easy. Major crush in the 12th grade. He was only in Grade 10. We were in a play together. I was nuts about him. NUTS! I practically stalked the guy. I took him into my dorm room at the drama festival. I showed up at the Catholic Hall dances I had long since given up in favour of the bar scene. We had some great times, some fun times, lots of good talks. But nothing ever happened. He admitted years later that he was intimidated by me, regretted missed opportunities. But still nothing happened, timing was off. I get weak in the knees every time I see him to this frigging day. It's insane. He's married with kids now, though. I believe happily. No more opportunities there . . . though there's a tiny part of me that thinks maybe one day the timing will be right . . . and there's another part that thinks it's so much better this way, never destroying the fantasy I've built up in my mind.
8) What is the one thing you have most envied in a sibling?
Their ability to accept responsibility and trust others.
9) What is the best thing you've ever gotten for free?
Umm . . . I can't remember all the things I've gotten for free . . . but how about that years worth of movie tickets! That was pretty cool!
10) What was the hardest secret you've ever had to keep?
Still keeping it. One person knows. Actually it's not that hard to keep. Keeping it is way easier than letting it fly. I'm good at secrets. In a way I let it all hang out, but in another way I keep things very close to my chest. My tongue gets looser the further I get from things. Thus I'm able to talk now about things that happened 10 years ago, when nobody knew what was going on at the time.
Mood: hungry
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Smile, Harry Connick
Hair: blah
Crushes
1) Who was your first crush? (Celebrity or average)
My first celebrity crush was Elvis Presley. I loved him! I remember his movies were on every afternoon. I watched them all. I dreamed about growing up and marrying Elvis. I was devastated the day he died. I remember sitting at the coffee table in the living room eating breakfast when the news came on Canada A.M. It was terrible. I cried. Mom helped me cut the news story from the paper to keep forever. I seem to have misplaced my boxes of things I was supposed to keep forever. But it was still there in the early 1990's. My first average crush happened in the first grade. Kendall Crawford. Gawd! He was adorable. The cutest little boy, dark hair and eyes, dimples, big smile. Of course, I was the Amazon Woman-child. Really tall. Pudgy. Painfully shy. With that long blonde hair down to my bum. I worshipped him from afar. I remember the day of the Christmas pageant I went into the washroom to change from my everyday clothes into my good blue pantsuit and as I was coming out he was running around the corner and crashed into me. He said he was sorry and then stopped and looked at me and it was like the first time he'd ever seen me and he said I looked really nice. I thought I'd die! He moved away after grade one and I never saw him again, but that little comment sustained me through all of elementary school when I felt very much the ugly duckling.
2) Who do you currently have a crush on now?
Every boy I see! lol Just kidding. Kinda. Hey, there are a lot of fine looking, athletic, well educated young gentlemen roaming around these parts. I'm only human. I don't have any average life crushes at the moment, tho I've got a feeling in my gut. I've had it for a couple of weeks now. It could be nothing . . . but I have this nagging feeling of excitement that I'm going to meet someone new soon. Someone substantial. Not just a passing crush. We shall see. My big celebrity crushes are the usual suspects Cillian Murphy, Matt Damon . . . but recently I've also gone nuts for Gale Harold and Timothy Olyphant. Yeah, that tall, lean, dark haired thing of my youth resurfaces. Blonde boys might be passe . . . finally!
3) Have you ever become so obsessed with a crush, you went to extreme measures to find out everything about him/her?
Oh god yes! I've been insane at times. I mean certifiable. Not recently, mind you, but definitely in my 20's I was a crazy woman most of the time.
4) Has your crush ever turned out to be your future girlfriend/boyfriend?
Absolutely. I had a crazy crush on Kevin when I moved to Toronto (even from before I moved there, from years earlier when I visited). I was so smitten! And I never dreamed that he'd ever give me more than a passing glance. He was so much older and unavailable and experienced and good looking and just cool. The first kiss was drop dead shocking. The dawning realization that it wasn't just about sex, that we were having a relationship, equally shocking. I don't think I ever really believed I deserved him. I think that's the only one where I clearly had a crush before we got together. Well, except for Ronnie. I was crushing on Ronnie a bit before we got together. The others were all crushing on me before I realized they existed or it was a mutual spontaneous combustion thing. Ronnie and Kevin, hah! I need to stay away from that family!
5) Did a best friend ever turn into more than just a friend?
Ahh, this is complicated . . . kinda? Not really? I dunno. I've only had a couple of best friends who were guys and . . . well, it's complicated. Yes, it seems to always turn into something, but what exactly? I dunno, not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. One guy friend in particular, we had a very up and down explosive sort of friendship/sex thing but never a relationship. We should have had a relationship. We might have been good together. We might have brought out good things in one another. We understood one another. We were both players. He wanted more. By the time I came around to that though, he was gone. Story of my life. Bad timing.
6) In what year did your life change the most?
2000. No doubt about it. I entered an intense period of personal development and change beginning day one of 2000 when I threw up all over the floor in a stranger's bathroom. That was it for me. I had been slowing down somewhat in the latter part of the year 1999, but New Year's Day of the new millennium was like hitting the brick wall. I stopped for the first time to ask myself why I was doing this? What did I want? Why wasn't I doing that instead?
7) Who is the person you most wanted to have a relationship with but didn't?
Easy. Major crush in the 12th grade. He was only in Grade 10. We were in a play together. I was nuts about him. NUTS! I practically stalked the guy. I took him into my dorm room at the drama festival. I showed up at the Catholic Hall dances I had long since given up in favour of the bar scene. We had some great times, some fun times, lots of good talks. But nothing ever happened. He admitted years later that he was intimidated by me, regretted missed opportunities. But still nothing happened, timing was off. I get weak in the knees every time I see him to this frigging day. It's insane. He's married with kids now, though. I believe happily. No more opportunities there . . . though there's a tiny part of me that thinks maybe one day the timing will be right . . . and there's another part that thinks it's so much better this way, never destroying the fantasy I've built up in my mind.
8) What is the one thing you have most envied in a sibling?
Their ability to accept responsibility and trust others.
9) What is the best thing you've ever gotten for free?
Umm . . . I can't remember all the things I've gotten for free . . . but how about that years worth of movie tickets! That was pretty cool!
10) What was the hardest secret you've ever had to keep?
Still keeping it. One person knows. Actually it's not that hard to keep. Keeping it is way easier than letting it fly. I'm good at secrets. In a way I let it all hang out, but in another way I keep things very close to my chest. My tongue gets looser the further I get from things. Thus I'm able to talk now about things that happened 10 years ago, when nobody knew what was going on at the time.
Mood: hungry
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Smile, Harry Connick
Hair: blah
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Sunny Side of the Street
I'm really sick. No denying it. I can barely talk, my voice is so hoarse. Luckily, I have nobody to talk with, so no worries. I'm so puffy that my eyes are little Asian slits, which is an interesting look for me of the big baby blues. And I'm sneezing. Lots and lots of sneezing. Which may be a good thing, maybe that ache in my chest will loosen up and come out now.
Yesterday I watched movies, drank wine and wrapped Christmas presents. Hmm, if you were a single wine drinking girl wrapping gifts during the holiday season, what movie would you watch? . . . Yep! You guessed it. I started the evening with the best single wine drinking girl holiday film of all times, Bridget Jones' Diary, the original, not the sequel. I followed that up with the Nancy Meyers classic, Something's Gotta Give, which isn't really a holiday film though it does have a snowing scene in Paris. I finished out the night with John Cusack and High Fidelity, which again is not a holiday film but all that introspective soul searching he does fits as the new year approaches and I get ready to take stock of 2006 and set new goals for 2007. And the music is awesome and I am in love with a funny little man named Jack Black, so there you go.
Presents are all wrapped and packed in my big suitcase. It took hours of wrestling with the zipper in order to get them all in there. So I guess I'm taking more than one case on this trip. It's not that I have so many things, it's just board games and things take up a lot of room. But that's it. I'm done. A trip to the local liquor store and Sobey's upon arrival in Miramichi Saturday night and I'm good to go.
Trouble sleeping last night. Noises in the walls . . . in my bedroom! Oh boy. I don't know what it is. I don't know where it's coming from. Drives me crazy. I am so moving out of this place! Done like dinner. So then I ended up turning on the tv and hoping it would lull me into sleep. Of course not. I watched Autumn in New York with Richard Gere and Winona Ryder. I don't think I've ever seen it before in its entirety. Kinda sad. Especially after much wine and present wrapping. That started the waterworks, massive crying jag. 6am before I finally settled in. I don't think all the non-drowsy sinus meds of yesterday helped. Today, I'm trying to function without them. So maybe I won't be up all night again tonight.
I'm feeling a little Love Actually coming on for tonight. I do enjoy Hugh Grant. And that's a good holiday film. Also will no doubt induce a crying jag though, so I'll have to wait and see if I'm up for that two nights in a row. Definitely need to get some hot fluids into me and rest. Being sick this week is not an option. Lots to do.
Mood: tired
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Our Love is Here to Stay, Harry Connick Jr.
Hair: needing to be laundered . . . i wish i could send it out
Yesterday I watched movies, drank wine and wrapped Christmas presents. Hmm, if you were a single wine drinking girl wrapping gifts during the holiday season, what movie would you watch? . . . Yep! You guessed it. I started the evening with the best single wine drinking girl holiday film of all times, Bridget Jones' Diary, the original, not the sequel. I followed that up with the Nancy Meyers classic, Something's Gotta Give, which isn't really a holiday film though it does have a snowing scene in Paris. I finished out the night with John Cusack and High Fidelity, which again is not a holiday film but all that introspective soul searching he does fits as the new year approaches and I get ready to take stock of 2006 and set new goals for 2007. And the music is awesome and I am in love with a funny little man named Jack Black, so there you go.
Presents are all wrapped and packed in my big suitcase. It took hours of wrestling with the zipper in order to get them all in there. So I guess I'm taking more than one case on this trip. It's not that I have so many things, it's just board games and things take up a lot of room. But that's it. I'm done. A trip to the local liquor store and Sobey's upon arrival in Miramichi Saturday night and I'm good to go.
Trouble sleeping last night. Noises in the walls . . . in my bedroom! Oh boy. I don't know what it is. I don't know where it's coming from. Drives me crazy. I am so moving out of this place! Done like dinner. So then I ended up turning on the tv and hoping it would lull me into sleep. Of course not. I watched Autumn in New York with Richard Gere and Winona Ryder. I don't think I've ever seen it before in its entirety. Kinda sad. Especially after much wine and present wrapping. That started the waterworks, massive crying jag. 6am before I finally settled in. I don't think all the non-drowsy sinus meds of yesterday helped. Today, I'm trying to function without them. So maybe I won't be up all night again tonight.
I'm feeling a little Love Actually coming on for tonight. I do enjoy Hugh Grant. And that's a good holiday film. Also will no doubt induce a crying jag though, so I'll have to wait and see if I'm up for that two nights in a row. Definitely need to get some hot fluids into me and rest. Being sick this week is not an option. Lots to do.
Mood: tired
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Our Love is Here to Stay, Harry Connick Jr.
Hair: needing to be laundered . . . i wish i could send it out
Friday, December 15, 2006
2am
He likes anorexic girls because they don't menstruate. It's a theory. Came to me in a serial-killer-on-the-loose dream. He hated menstruation. Like a trip into the dark ages, brown paper wrapping, hidden and undiscussed, certainly no sex during. I may have been borderline anorexic, I don't know for sure. I never thought of it as anorexic really. Sometimes I didn't eat for days. Sometimes we didn't have much food and I gave the boys my share. But I was never hungry. I only ate when I felt hunger, or when I felt like I would faint if I didn't. Mostly when I felt weak and couldn't function, because I never felt hungry.
I didn't think of it as purposefully starving myself. My face looks skeletal in some pictures, hollowed out, black holes around my eye sockets, teeth jutting from my chin. Dead woman walking. My hairdresser said she'd never seen such a skinny neck on someone before. I've never forgotten that, to this day encircling my neck with my fingers to see if it's normal or too skinny. My fingers touch. That's normal, isn't it? I went out to a birthday dinner with my family and many who hadn't seen me in a few months were shocked and appalled by my jutting bones. I didn't see it when I looked in the mirror. In the mirror I saw a fat girl, a girl who didn't need to eat. The last time I weighed myself, I weighed 108 pounds. I know I went lower. I can't imagine what that looked like. Is that the story the photos tell?
I may have been anorexic, but I never stopped menstruating. True it was hardly the hassle it's become, it came and went quickly and without incident. I've been thinking all the pain and ordeal of late is because I'm getting older, but the dream reminds me of ana and I see nothing was as it should have been then. I might not have thought of it as anorexic, but what else do you call voluntary starvation because you feel fat?
I sent Christmas cards this year. I mailed Christmas cards to everyone I had an address for--dozens of people--and I did it the first week of December like all the books say to do. It is the first time ever that I've had my head on straight enough to reach out to family and friends and just say, "Hey, Merry Christmas." I'm not brooding. I'm not worried. I'm not wondering why my life's in the shitter or where HE is or what comes next. I'm at peace. I have a pretty good idea of where I'm going and I'm excited by whatever happens. I'm okay. I mean really truly okay. I'm even looking forward to New Year's Eve. And I don't care that I won't have a special someone to hug and kiss and gaze into my eyes with all the promise of 2007. I've never looked forward to New Year's Eve more. Or the holidays in general. I want to visit. I want to connect. I want to celebrate--eat, drink and be merry. I want to laugh until the tears stream down my face. More than anything I want to laugh. I need to laugh.
It's been a long road, many bumps, some crashes into the ditch, but I'm here still and I'm happy and I've never felt more like I can handle anything that comes my way.
Mood: fine
Drinking: apple juice & coffee with skim
Listening To: OK, Mutemath
Hair: when did my hair get so feather-like soft?
I didn't think of it as purposefully starving myself. My face looks skeletal in some pictures, hollowed out, black holes around my eye sockets, teeth jutting from my chin. Dead woman walking. My hairdresser said she'd never seen such a skinny neck on someone before. I've never forgotten that, to this day encircling my neck with my fingers to see if it's normal or too skinny. My fingers touch. That's normal, isn't it? I went out to a birthday dinner with my family and many who hadn't seen me in a few months were shocked and appalled by my jutting bones. I didn't see it when I looked in the mirror. In the mirror I saw a fat girl, a girl who didn't need to eat. The last time I weighed myself, I weighed 108 pounds. I know I went lower. I can't imagine what that looked like. Is that the story the photos tell?
I may have been anorexic, but I never stopped menstruating. True it was hardly the hassle it's become, it came and went quickly and without incident. I've been thinking all the pain and ordeal of late is because I'm getting older, but the dream reminds me of ana and I see nothing was as it should have been then. I might not have thought of it as anorexic, but what else do you call voluntary starvation because you feel fat?
I sent Christmas cards this year. I mailed Christmas cards to everyone I had an address for--dozens of people--and I did it the first week of December like all the books say to do. It is the first time ever that I've had my head on straight enough to reach out to family and friends and just say, "Hey, Merry Christmas." I'm not brooding. I'm not worried. I'm not wondering why my life's in the shitter or where HE is or what comes next. I'm at peace. I have a pretty good idea of where I'm going and I'm excited by whatever happens. I'm okay. I mean really truly okay. I'm even looking forward to New Year's Eve. And I don't care that I won't have a special someone to hug and kiss and gaze into my eyes with all the promise of 2007. I've never looked forward to New Year's Eve more. Or the holidays in general. I want to visit. I want to connect. I want to celebrate--eat, drink and be merry. I want to laugh until the tears stream down my face. More than anything I want to laugh. I need to laugh.
It's been a long road, many bumps, some crashes into the ditch, but I'm here still and I'm happy and I've never felt more like I can handle anything that comes my way.
Mood: fine
Drinking: apple juice & coffee with skim
Listening To: OK, Mutemath
Hair: when did my hair get so feather-like soft?
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Stronger Than Me
No luck with the boys and bars stories. I appear to be having temporary memory and creativity lapse. Hopefully only temporary. Perhaps I do need to blog with merlot. Writers' meeting last night. Was good. Cheesecake! Yummy! And wine. Always good. I'm beat. I mean BEAT! So tired. I did get up a bit earlier this morning than yesterday, but just. Scratchy sore throat. Stuffed up nose. Last night I watched Hotel Rwanda. I hadn't seen it before. It's so insane, that whole thing. Disturbing. I try to think what was I doing then that I didn't notice this happening in the world? Was I watching OJ run away in his white bronco? Was I too drunk to notice? Did I see and not care? I can't remember. I know it didn't impact me at the time. It does now. Such terrible things happen in the world. People do such horrendous things to one another. Why does there have to be so much hate?
Mood: puzzled
Drinking: coffee, French Roast, black
Listening To: Say It Right, Nelly Furtado
Hair: greasy still, from too much product
Mood: puzzled
Drinking: coffee, French Roast, black
Listening To: Say It Right, Nelly Furtado
Hair: greasy still, from too much product
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
It Don't Matter
While I think of stories of boys and bars, another meme to kill some time.
1. Flip to page 18, paragraph 4 - in the book closest to you right now, what does it say?"Marcus, this is very difficult for me, as I'm sure you understand." Muriella Pent, Russell Smith
2. If you stretch out your left arm as far as possible, what are you touching? Nothing. I got air on both sides.
3. What’s the last program you watched on TV? Two and a Half Men, late last night on Global
4. Without looking, guess what time it is. 1:35pm - close! It's actually 1:39pm
5. Aside from the computer, what can you hear right now? Knock on Wood, Amy Stewart on iTunes
6. When was the last time you were outside and what did you do? Monday afternoon went to Sears, Post Office, and Save-Easy.
7. What are you wearing? Crocs, grey pj bottoms, lilac tank, brown sweater
8. Did you dream last night? If you did, what about? Of course I did! Two very long detailed dreams where I was in a competition like the Amazing Race . . . but not the Amazing Race.
9. When was the last time you laughed? Umm, definitely Sunday night at Dessert Theatre, but probably Monday night during The Family Stone . . . I think I was too sleepy to have laughed during Two and a Half Men last night.
10. What’s on the walls in the room you’re in right now? Not much. Slanted roof. Some framed pictures of Italy.
11. Have you seen anything strange lately? I'm sure I have, but I can't seem to recall anything at the moment.
12. What do you think about this meme? it's okay
13. What’s the last film you saw? The Family Stone on DVD, The Holiday in theatre
14. If you became a multimillionaire, what would you do with the money? Take care of my family and travel
15. Tell us something about yourself that most people don’t know. Well that's tough. On the one hand I feel like I'm an open book, on the other hand a co-worker of many years just realized I have a sense of humour the other day. So, there you go. Most people probably don't know that I've tried to kill myself several times. Some cries for help. One super serious attempt. Well, I have. And yes, I'm better now. It all worked out for the best.
16. If you could change ONE THING in this world, without regarding politics or bad guilt, what would it be? All people would be equal regardless of sex, race, or sexual orientation.
17. Do you like dancing? I do, but other than private dancing to iTunes, I haven't been in quite some time.
18. George W. Bush? He's just the puppet.
19. What do you want your children’s names to be, girl/boy? Hah! No kids. Characters are like kids though. Callum is my baby.
20. Would you ever consider living abroad? Totally!
21. What do you want God to tell you, when you come to heaven? "What took you so long?"
22. Who should do this meme? anyone who wants
Mood: meme-like
Drinking: coffee (have you noticed my blogging with merlot is on the decline?)
Listening To: Where is the love? Black Eyed Peas featuring Justin Timberlake
Hair: greasy again! it's my new putty, it's greasy stuff
1. Flip to page 18, paragraph 4 - in the book closest to you right now, what does it say?"Marcus, this is very difficult for me, as I'm sure you understand." Muriella Pent, Russell Smith
2. If you stretch out your left arm as far as possible, what are you touching? Nothing. I got air on both sides.
3. What’s the last program you watched on TV? Two and a Half Men, late last night on Global
4. Without looking, guess what time it is. 1:35pm - close! It's actually 1:39pm
5. Aside from the computer, what can you hear right now? Knock on Wood, Amy Stewart on iTunes
6. When was the last time you were outside and what did you do? Monday afternoon went to Sears, Post Office, and Save-Easy.
7. What are you wearing? Crocs, grey pj bottoms, lilac tank, brown sweater
8. Did you dream last night? If you did, what about? Of course I did! Two very long detailed dreams where I was in a competition like the Amazing Race . . . but not the Amazing Race.
9. When was the last time you laughed? Umm, definitely Sunday night at Dessert Theatre, but probably Monday night during The Family Stone . . . I think I was too sleepy to have laughed during Two and a Half Men last night.
10. What’s on the walls in the room you’re in right now? Not much. Slanted roof. Some framed pictures of Italy.
11. Have you seen anything strange lately? I'm sure I have, but I can't seem to recall anything at the moment.
12. What do you think about this meme? it's okay
13. What’s the last film you saw? The Family Stone on DVD, The Holiday in theatre
14. If you became a multimillionaire, what would you do with the money? Take care of my family and travel
15. Tell us something about yourself that most people don’t know. Well that's tough. On the one hand I feel like I'm an open book, on the other hand a co-worker of many years just realized I have a sense of humour the other day. So, there you go. Most people probably don't know that I've tried to kill myself several times. Some cries for help. One super serious attempt. Well, I have. And yes, I'm better now. It all worked out for the best.
16. If you could change ONE THING in this world, without regarding politics or bad guilt, what would it be? All people would be equal regardless of sex, race, or sexual orientation.
17. Do you like dancing? I do, but other than private dancing to iTunes, I haven't been in quite some time.
18. George W. Bush? He's just the puppet.
19. What do you want your children’s names to be, girl/boy? Hah! No kids. Characters are like kids though. Callum is my baby.
20. Would you ever consider living abroad? Totally!
21. What do you want God to tell you, when you come to heaven? "What took you so long?"
22. Who should do this meme? anyone who wants
Mood: meme-like
Drinking: coffee (have you noticed my blogging with merlot is on the decline?)
Listening To: Where is the love? Black Eyed Peas featuring Justin Timberlake
Hair: greasy again! it's my new putty, it's greasy stuff
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Music Is the Victim
Am returned from yet another whirlwind weekend. Arrived in Miramichi on time Friday evening. The closer it got to time to leave on Friday afternoon, the more I felt sick and sleepy and achy and just wanting to curl into the fetal and hide. Spent the train ride semi-snoozing and trying to get my spirits up. Arrived on time, feeling somewhat better or at least able to sufficiently fake it. Stacy picked me up and we went to the Rodd for the Enterprise Miramichi Xmas do. Neither one of us were in the mood for such things though, so we didn't stay long. Went to Zellers in search of things on Stacy's list and killing time until our movie started.
Saw The Holiday with Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jack Black, and Jude Law and it was FABULOUS! It's the best feel-good holiday movie I've seen in a long time. I'm really starting to like Nancy Meyers' films. She also did Something's Gotta Give with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. Go see The Holiday! It's fun!
Saturday morning I was up early and ready to go to the office for a BnM meeting. We didn't leave real early though because Stacy's Christmas tree fell down and she needed to take care of that. Still, we had an agenda and stuff so we got a lot done in our meeting. Then it was off to lunch at the Rodd where I had the first fish 'n chip I've had in forever! (Yeah, I'm bringing the white meats & fish back into my repertoire.) It was really, really good! I was surprised. The last fish I had at the Rodd was undercooked . . . so much so that I actually complained to the waitress . . . only to have her say "that's just the way we do it on the miramichi" as if I were some sort of tourist who knew nothing about fish 'n chips. Duh! Anyway, bygones, they did a good job this time. After lunch it was more shopping to kill time until the Mighty staff party.
First we gathered at the Mighty homestead for a drink before heading to the Bull & Lyre Pub. Everyone had lasagna & caesar salad. Except for a couple of us who preferred nachos. The nachos were really great. And everyone raved about the lasagna and salad too. Several glasses of wine. A Yankee Swap where I snagged the only bottle of red. And entertainment provided by Johhny Newman's jazz band. They were awesome! And completely looked the part too with their jackets and ties and the microphone that looked like something right out of the 30's. I wanted to take them home with me. Had to call Jenn and let her listen in. It was a really good time. Embarrassing as well as Johnny pulled me onto an empty dance floor with him. The man is tres cool . . . and well . . . I am NOT! Great evening. Much, much, much, better than the usual curling party (that I've only attended once and managed to avoid every other year). We had planned on christening the new Irish pub in Chatham this year, but they couldn't get up and running in time. Another day for them.
Sunday morning I finally got to sleep late. Woke by The Missus in the hall yelling, "Grammie! Didn't you hear me come in?!" Later that evening we all went to see Sherry in a play. Dessert Theatre. I could've done without the dessert/round table part. Would've preferred straight forward seating, one intermission for stretching. It was not as good as I had hoped. There were some really good parts though, some funny lines. In particular, the guy who played a character inspired by Randall from Clerks was brilliant, and another guy did some fantastic accents, and all the singing was really good. But they had this rotating stage in the middle of the room that was terrible. If it hadn't rotated so everyone was hanging on for dear life or jerking and looking like they were about to be tossed off onto the floor and rumbling louder than a train locomotive, then yeah, a second stage could've worked. If the lights didn't blind half the room. Then perhaps . . . I had problems hearing some of the people on the front stage, and I was in the second row. So, I don't know what it would be like at the back. There didn't seem to be enough action. It was kinda boring overall. Too serious. Very predictable. I know the writer and I couldn't help but wonder if he had been given free rein what he might have come up with, because he had some really good stuff in there. The amount of research and work he put into it as it was, was pretty impressive. What was crazy impressive though is the amount of people involved! Wow! A huge ensemble cast! I gotta give them props for that. My sister said the first night they did it was better . . . I'm just not into the whole "make you cry" at christmas thing. Christmas can be sad enough on its own, if you want to dwell on the people you won't be sharing it with this year. Something feel good, inspiring, funny . . . that's more my speed. Holiday themed stuff is hard though, difficult to pull off something original. I'm looking forward to seeing them do more stuff though.
Came home yesterday. Watched The Family Stone last night. Not as good as The Holiday, but it was okay.
Mood: fuzzy
Drinking: coffee with skim, cran-raspberry juice, water
Listening To: Move Along, The All American Rejects
Hair: greying bad
Saw The Holiday with Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jack Black, and Jude Law and it was FABULOUS! It's the best feel-good holiday movie I've seen in a long time. I'm really starting to like Nancy Meyers' films. She also did Something's Gotta Give with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. Go see The Holiday! It's fun!
Saturday morning I was up early and ready to go to the office for a BnM meeting. We didn't leave real early though because Stacy's Christmas tree fell down and she needed to take care of that. Still, we had an agenda and stuff so we got a lot done in our meeting. Then it was off to lunch at the Rodd where I had the first fish 'n chip I've had in forever! (Yeah, I'm bringing the white meats & fish back into my repertoire.) It was really, really good! I was surprised. The last fish I had at the Rodd was undercooked . . . so much so that I actually complained to the waitress . . . only to have her say "that's just the way we do it on the miramichi" as if I were some sort of tourist who knew nothing about fish 'n chips. Duh! Anyway, bygones, they did a good job this time. After lunch it was more shopping to kill time until the Mighty staff party.
First we gathered at the Mighty homestead for a drink before heading to the Bull & Lyre Pub. Everyone had lasagna & caesar salad. Except for a couple of us who preferred nachos. The nachos were really great. And everyone raved about the lasagna and salad too. Several glasses of wine. A Yankee Swap where I snagged the only bottle of red. And entertainment provided by Johhny Newman's jazz band. They were awesome! And completely looked the part too with their jackets and ties and the microphone that looked like something right out of the 30's. I wanted to take them home with me. Had to call Jenn and let her listen in. It was a really good time. Embarrassing as well as Johnny pulled me onto an empty dance floor with him. The man is tres cool . . . and well . . . I am NOT! Great evening. Much, much, much, better than the usual curling party (that I've only attended once and managed to avoid every other year). We had planned on christening the new Irish pub in Chatham this year, but they couldn't get up and running in time. Another day for them.
Sunday morning I finally got to sleep late. Woke by The Missus in the hall yelling, "Grammie! Didn't you hear me come in?!" Later that evening we all went to see Sherry in a play. Dessert Theatre. I could've done without the dessert/round table part. Would've preferred straight forward seating, one intermission for stretching. It was not as good as I had hoped. There were some really good parts though, some funny lines. In particular, the guy who played a character inspired by Randall from Clerks was brilliant, and another guy did some fantastic accents, and all the singing was really good. But they had this rotating stage in the middle of the room that was terrible. If it hadn't rotated so everyone was hanging on for dear life or jerking and looking like they were about to be tossed off onto the floor and rumbling louder than a train locomotive, then yeah, a second stage could've worked. If the lights didn't blind half the room. Then perhaps . . . I had problems hearing some of the people on the front stage, and I was in the second row. So, I don't know what it would be like at the back. There didn't seem to be enough action. It was kinda boring overall. Too serious. Very predictable. I know the writer and I couldn't help but wonder if he had been given free rein what he might have come up with, because he had some really good stuff in there. The amount of research and work he put into it as it was, was pretty impressive. What was crazy impressive though is the amount of people involved! Wow! A huge ensemble cast! I gotta give them props for that. My sister said the first night they did it was better . . . I'm just not into the whole "make you cry" at christmas thing. Christmas can be sad enough on its own, if you want to dwell on the people you won't be sharing it with this year. Something feel good, inspiring, funny . . . that's more my speed. Holiday themed stuff is hard though, difficult to pull off something original. I'm looking forward to seeing them do more stuff though.
Came home yesterday. Watched The Family Stone last night. Not as good as The Holiday, but it was okay.
Mood: fuzzy
Drinking: coffee with skim, cran-raspberry juice, water
Listening To: Move Along, The All American Rejects
Hair: greying bad
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Comfortably Numb
Yesterday, a winter wonderland. Today, grey, dull, rain, and joints seized in the night. Blah. And the dreams continue. Frustrating as hell, the one looping through all night last night. Road trip. Me, Sherry, Gary, Mom, and the kids. Going someplace near Alma, but not Alma. Part of the frustration for me was that nobody brought a map and I really, really wanted to see one. I like maps. I'm a road map kinda girl. So the absence of one in the dream was as hellish as it would be in real life. I had been to this place before though, a few times, with Stacy. In real life that'd be enough, map be damned! I would know the lay of the land having been there before. But of course in the dream nothing seemed really familiar.
We stopped in a small park just off the side of the highway. To eat. To stretch our legs. To try and figure out where the hell we were going. There was a lake. A red car with four young boys crashed through a guardrail and went into the lake. Seconds of silence and inaction then Sherry called 9-1-1 (they already knew), Anna and Paulina fell into the lake, I went in after them, the boys managed to get their car out of the lake and drunkenly drove away, blood and water gushing out behind them.
We packed the car and continued, but as we started to go onto the highway where the boys in their drowned red car had gone I started to have a panic attack, like something bad was going to happen, like a premonition of an accident. We pulled to the shoulder. I hyperventilated. Finally calmed down and told myself it was just a reaction to seeing the boys' crash. In real life I never talk myself out of listening to my gut anymore. Not since I saw my dog get struck by a car, in my mind, told myself I was foolish, then watched the scene play out in real life moments later. Maybe I could've stopped it, maybe not. But I didn't even try, dismissed it as being not real. I was 12 years old. And I've never ignored or dismissed a feeling since.
But in the dream I calmed down and we continued. We ended up driving through a run-down small down. There were young people on the streets everywhere, drunk, stoned, dirty, with open sores and greasy hair and rotten teeth. Girls scantily clad in group sex situations with boys. They looked high. Dangerous. Hungry. I remembered this place, kind of, but it seemed like it had gotten a lot worse since the last time I'd driven through. We rounded a corner that was supposed to take us out and back to the highway, but instead it dead-ended into a brick wall. No way out.
I won't go into the whole thing, it's the typical stuck in a town of freaks horror movie. They steal everything off the car rendering it useless when we get out to ask someone at the local hotel for directions. Gary leaves on foot to go for help because we can't get our cell phones to work. That sort of thing.
All night this went on! This paired with my flaming arthritis du jour, makes for a very sleepy and kinda cranky kel. Oh well. Lots to do. Leaving for the chi tomorrow.
Mood: yawn
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Do It, Nelly Furtado
Hair: something in the works maybe
We stopped in a small park just off the side of the highway. To eat. To stretch our legs. To try and figure out where the hell we were going. There was a lake. A red car with four young boys crashed through a guardrail and went into the lake. Seconds of silence and inaction then Sherry called 9-1-1 (they already knew), Anna and Paulina fell into the lake, I went in after them, the boys managed to get their car out of the lake and drunkenly drove away, blood and water gushing out behind them.
We packed the car and continued, but as we started to go onto the highway where the boys in their drowned red car had gone I started to have a panic attack, like something bad was going to happen, like a premonition of an accident. We pulled to the shoulder. I hyperventilated. Finally calmed down and told myself it was just a reaction to seeing the boys' crash. In real life I never talk myself out of listening to my gut anymore. Not since I saw my dog get struck by a car, in my mind, told myself I was foolish, then watched the scene play out in real life moments later. Maybe I could've stopped it, maybe not. But I didn't even try, dismissed it as being not real. I was 12 years old. And I've never ignored or dismissed a feeling since.
But in the dream I calmed down and we continued. We ended up driving through a run-down small down. There were young people on the streets everywhere, drunk, stoned, dirty, with open sores and greasy hair and rotten teeth. Girls scantily clad in group sex situations with boys. They looked high. Dangerous. Hungry. I remembered this place, kind of, but it seemed like it had gotten a lot worse since the last time I'd driven through. We rounded a corner that was supposed to take us out and back to the highway, but instead it dead-ended into a brick wall. No way out.
I won't go into the whole thing, it's the typical stuck in a town of freaks horror movie. They steal everything off the car rendering it useless when we get out to ask someone at the local hotel for directions. Gary leaves on foot to go for help because we can't get our cell phones to work. That sort of thing.
All night this went on! This paired with my flaming arthritis du jour, makes for a very sleepy and kinda cranky kel. Oh well. Lots to do. Leaving for the chi tomorrow.
Mood: yawn
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Do It, Nelly Furtado
Hair: something in the works maybe
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Grown-Up Christmas List
I woke at 6 this morning. On my own. No alarm. So I got up. I think it was the moon. The moon had come around and was shining into my window, into my bedroom, onto me. As always, sleeping in moon rays, I dreamed of dead people in mirrors and confessions of crimes against them. This time it was a young woman with long golden hair, kinda curly, hanging in ringlets around her shoulders. She wore a green print dress, sleeveless, empire waist, cut at the knee. She looked calm, but tired. Someone was taking me through a house, hoping I would see the spirits there. An older home, white walls, railings and banisters. It was upstairs in a bedroom with a pile of dirty clothes on the floor that I saw the woman. She was standing behind me while I looked in the mirror and described her to the person who had taken me there. It was only after I started to get into the description of what I thought had happened to her that I realized I couldn't see myself in the mirror, just the ghost woman. A little flutter of panic and I quickly woke. A bit disturbed. So I got up. Turned on lights. Made coffee. Now, maybe I'll have eggs and fried tomatoes . . . or pancakes. I made cream cheese scones last night . . . they are more like sugar cookies. Still, they are not hideous.
Another meme for the season. Ten things you love about the holidays:
Mood: cheery, tho a bit tired
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Knock on Wood, Amy Stewart
Hair: darkening up by the weekend
Another meme for the season. Ten things you love about the holidays:
- The Christmas Tree
- Carols Piped into the Street
- Houses Lit Up at Night
- Christmas Eve Celebration at my parent's house
- Seeing the kids open gifts
- Buying presents for people
- Spending time with family and friends doing things like playing board games that we might not take time for all year round
- Snow!
- Getting all dressed up to celebrate
- Cooking, Bartending for family/ watching movies with my mom
Mood: cheery, tho a bit tired
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Knock on Wood, Amy Stewart
Hair: darkening up by the weekend
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Filthy & Gorgeous
Today I've got the winter wonderland I've been waiting for! Yay! I can't wait to put on my boots and go walking! The Scissor Sisters make me happy. But I've no time to think really so . . . yes, it's another meme!
Music Meme (pass it on)
Three Christmas Songs that get you in the holiday spirit:
1. Christmas Song, Alvin & The Chipmunks
2. All I Want For Christmas is You, Mariah Carey
3. White Christmas, Bing Crosby
Top 5 songs that make you feel like celebrating:
This is hard. So many. So much depends on my mood du jour.
1. Beautiful Day, U2
2. God Save the Queen, Sex Pistols
3. China Girl, David Bowie
4. Pump It, Black Eyed Peas
5. Captain Crash & The Beauty Queen, Bon Jovi
Three artists who warm you up when it's cold outside:
How about more than three?
1. Sam Roberts & Matt Mays
2. Bono & Jon Bon
3. The Killers
Mood: light
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: There's A Girl, The Ditty Bops
Hair: really cut well
Music Meme (pass it on)
Three Christmas Songs that get you in the holiday spirit:
1. Christmas Song, Alvin & The Chipmunks
2. All I Want For Christmas is You, Mariah Carey
3. White Christmas, Bing Crosby
Top 5 songs that make you feel like celebrating:
This is hard. So many. So much depends on my mood du jour.
1. Beautiful Day, U2
2. God Save the Queen, Sex Pistols
3. China Girl, David Bowie
4. Pump It, Black Eyed Peas
5. Captain Crash & The Beauty Queen, Bon Jovi
Three artists who warm you up when it's cold outside:
How about more than three?
1. Sam Roberts & Matt Mays
2. Bono & Jon Bon
3. The Killers
Mood: light
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: There's A Girl, The Ditty Bops
Hair: really cut well
Monday, December 04, 2006
Where Am I Going?
I hoped I would wake to a winter wonderland, but no such luck. Haven't even had any rain, the snowfall warning is over, ditto for the winter storm watch . . . and all I'm left with is the promise of freezing rain around noon. Oh well. It's going to be a good day. A great week. Never mind that I overslept and did not get up when my alarm went off. No matter. I remain optimistic.
Heading to the Chi on Friday again. Christmas partying straight off the train no doubt. Likely bnm meetings on Saturday. Dessert Theatre with family on Sunday, where I'll finally get to see my sister's amateur theatre group in action. Busy weekend. Hopefully there'll be time to relax somewhere in there. Back to Bagtown on Monday for another couple weeks before I head to the river for Christmas.
I feel excited today. Happy. I think elated might be the word. This print bnm thing is pretty stressful by times. But it's a good kind of stress, it's the kind of deadline/editorial pressure cooker type stress that kept me in journalism after I realized their task was to beat the creativity out of me and reprogram my writing mind. I liken Ryerson to army boot camp. It felt like they took away everything, stripped us bare, so they could rebuild us the way they needed us to be. In the beginning I struggled, rebelled, hated it. They weren't about to bend to my will. They kicked me out. I took a year to cool off and then continued. This time I accepted my fate. Played their game. Allowed myself to be stripped and shaped. I emerged with a news mind, a nose for the scent of scandal . . . and no adjectives in my writing vocabulary. It would be 10 years before I discovered adjectives and adverbs again. Another five years before I re-learned how to use them. But now, I'm so thankful I went that route, because I think I have more skills than I would've otherwise.
But what was I saying before I got off on the Rye-High tangent . . . oh yeah! I'm having a good day, great week. Hope you are too.
Mood: elated
/ilaytid/
• adjective extremely happy and excited.
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Rehab, Amy Winehouse
Hair: really nice! no seriously, it's REALLY nice!
Heading to the Chi on Friday again. Christmas partying straight off the train no doubt. Likely bnm meetings on Saturday. Dessert Theatre with family on Sunday, where I'll finally get to see my sister's amateur theatre group in action. Busy weekend. Hopefully there'll be time to relax somewhere in there. Back to Bagtown on Monday for another couple weeks before I head to the river for Christmas.
I feel excited today. Happy. I think elated might be the word. This print bnm thing is pretty stressful by times. But it's a good kind of stress, it's the kind of deadline/editorial pressure cooker type stress that kept me in journalism after I realized their task was to beat the creativity out of me and reprogram my writing mind. I liken Ryerson to army boot camp. It felt like they took away everything, stripped us bare, so they could rebuild us the way they needed us to be. In the beginning I struggled, rebelled, hated it. They weren't about to bend to my will. They kicked me out. I took a year to cool off and then continued. This time I accepted my fate. Played their game. Allowed myself to be stripped and shaped. I emerged with a news mind, a nose for the scent of scandal . . . and no adjectives in my writing vocabulary. It would be 10 years before I discovered adjectives and adverbs again. Another five years before I re-learned how to use them. But now, I'm so thankful I went that route, because I think I have more skills than I would've otherwise.
But what was I saying before I got off on the Rye-High tangent . . . oh yeah! I'm having a good day, great week. Hope you are too.
Mood: elated
/ilaytid/
• adjective extremely happy and excited.
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Rehab, Amy Winehouse
Hair: really nice! no seriously, it's REALLY nice!
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Beautiful Day
Bono makes me happy. I watched the whole convention yesterday. Totally sucked in, as always. Exciting stuff! I'd like to experience that one day. Be there. Followed the liberals with sappy holiday movies on women's television. Got no snow here. Saw pics from yesterday's santa claus parade in blackville. They've got snow. Something else for the plus side of moving north. I want some freaking snow!
Another meme:
Not counting the crust and the pizza sauce, come up with up to seven additional ingredients to make the perfect pizza.
Mood: happy
Drinking: costa rican coffee with skim milk
Listening To: Wind it Up, Gwen Stefani
Hair: transitioning
Another meme:
Not counting the crust and the pizza sauce, come up with up to seven additional ingredients to make the perfect pizza.
- cheese
- pineapple
- sun-dried tomatoes
- portobello mushrooms
- bell peppers
- roasted garlic
- red onions
Mood: happy
Drinking: costa rican coffee with skim milk
Listening To: Wind it Up, Gwen Stefani
Hair: transitioning
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Liberal
I told myself I wasn't going to watch. I told myself it didn't really matter. I've got more important stuff to do. And I did . . . For a few hours. Then channel-surfing late last night I happened upon Bob Rae's speech . . . and that was it. I'm in. Politics, man. I try not to love it so much. But I just do.
Mood: on the edge of my seat
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: cbc
Hair: greasy
Mood: on the edge of my seat
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: cbc
Hair: greasy
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