And That's A Wrap

Finally, the girl can breathe, just a smidgen. Finally, she can go put her feet up and let the swelling go down. Finally, she can take the sleepy sinus meds and slip away for many hours. Finally! I'm so relieved.

I finished the writing on Dec today. All the articles, all the tidbits. Can't do anything else til I see a first draft. Getting one soon. Stacy's dropping it off.

Late. I hate being late. And I'm always confused when I'm late, as to what happened, where did it all go wrong. Yes, this time I had some health stuff this past two weeks. Sinus. Arthritis. Bowel. You name it! It came to call in the past couple of weeks. But still . . . that's not enough. And the time that it went so easy and we were on time, early even, what about that time? What did I do differently? How did I handle that one?

These stories, man. Killers.

And that got me thinking about the process. I must not be acknowledging the time it really takes to go through the process. I must not be realistic about it. So then I'm going through it in my head.

First I get the story, generally somebody puts me onto it, often times they don't even know what it's all about because someone has told them about it. So then I have to sit and make a list of questions I need to ask the subject of the story in order to find out what the story is about. Sometimes I need to do research on the Internet in order to write intelligent questions. I need the questions first just in case when I call whoever it is they say they have a few minutes right now and then they're leaving the country for three months. In case I come up against a now or never situation, it's good to be prepared. But usually, it's not now, it's later. So I call and make an appointment. Then I call back or arrive in the person's place at the time of the appointment. I ask the questions I have written down. I ask questions I don't have written down. I take pages and pages of notes.

The next step is transcribing the notes. Depending on the story I may also need to do more research. This time for instance, I had quite a few stories that needed a lot of research because they're big topics I know nothing about. I'm talking 3-4 hours of online research per story. From the research I will cut and paste up to a dozen pages of pertinent notes into my existing interview notes document. So I end up with a 15-20 page document of random story things that I need to peel back to about a thousand words of coherent smooth flow. This is challenging. This doesn't happen on the same day I did the initial research.

Then I have to find the lead. The beginning is the most important part, it sets the tone for the whole thing. Oftentimes there are a few ways I could go and I need to find the one that does what I want to do in the best way. Finding the lead is hard. Sometimes no lead readily presents itself and then I'm pulling my hair out and freaking out. Finding the lead is a physically draining dilemma. I can find the lead on a couple of stories in the same day, but I can't do anything else with that story on the day I find the lead, because I have mush brain on that story. So what I always do is find the leads on all my stories first. Then I go back and finish them one by one.

When I get to this last stage I generally know the information so well and understand where I'm going so the writing goes very quickly, it's not even like writing at this stage, it's more like putting the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle together. This is the quote that follows the lead, this sentence segues into the next quote, this topic followed by that topic, there's the ending, delete the flabby unused portion and voila! There's the story. I can knock off a few of these puppies in a day, once they get to this stage. And there I have it, my lateness clarified. Now I know. Seven days to comfortably get a feature story done. Four features this issue equals 28 days or 5 and a half weeks, plus all the regular articles I write (editor's note, movie review, wellness article, sammyscope), plus all the editing and blurbs writing, plus all the admin, coordination and correspondence with the contributors, plus the online issues that were coming out every two weeks until I decided I didn't have time to do the online issue two weeks ago. And then I get sick! Suddenly it all makes sense. Why do I repeatedly set myself up to fail?

And then that part of my brain that truly believes I am Wonder Woman kicks in and says, but wait, you don't need all those days. You don't need all those steps and gel time. And outside the heat of the writing, in the quiet time when the stories have been laid to rest, I hear that voice and I think, that's right! I can take a story from interview to finished in one day! I can totally do that! And the next story I write, I even try to do that. I try to lump steps together, and I get so tired, and I get so stressed, and I don't get any further ahead, and I have to admit I can't do it. But by then, it's too late, because I've already committed to write all these stories. So there you go.

I'm an idiot.

Mood: wound up
Drinking: not yet
Listening To: nothing
Hair: neglected

This is the Sound

I am loving the Foo Fighters. Big time. It's like I put on the iTunes random shuffle and I go off to do dishes or whatever and then I'll hear this song I don't recognize but totally love so I look to see who it is and it's Foo Fighters, every freaking time! I just got a bunch of their stuff the other day.

Today I want to decorate for Christmas. I never wanted to decorate in Sackville. I never even wanted to hang pictures. I only did it (and after I'd already been there a year) because other people seemed to think it was odd to have bare walls. But here I'm all about the Christmas! I want lights! And a tree!

I peppered a steak with numerous spices and put it in the over to slow-cook for supper. The smell!! Oh my God! It's fabulous. It begs for some pasta and marinara, a nice glass of wine. I have the pasta part anyway. Maybe I can make something happen.

Mood: pretty good
Drinking: water
Listening To: i don't feel like dancing (remix), scissor sisters
Hair: still short 'n sassy

Knowing Me, Knowing You

Went to dinner theatre at the Rodd last night for the Mighty Christmas party. Had a great time! It was frigging hilarious because we were front and centre so many at our table had interaction with the actors, who stay in character throughout the evening. One of the night's highlights happened when our fearless leader, Terry, took the microphone from the pregnant lady and ran around our table leading the mighty crew in a rousing rendition of Rudolph so we could get permission to go to the buffet table. The buffet, by the way, was really good. Rolls with butter, tossed salad, pasta salad, potato salad, coleslaw, whipped mashed potatoes, rice, whipped turnips/squash, roast beef, roast turkey, gravy, and a cranberry chutney or spicy sauce (really yummy!) Dessert was assorted cakes and coffee. The slab I had was marble with an amazing icing. I'm not usually big on the icing thing, but this was damn good! Throw in a couple glasses of wine and you have good times. I didn't want to go, too much work to do, not feeling it, but now I'm glad I went.

Mood: druggy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: the more i see you, michael buble
Hair: all over the place in a playful bedhead look

The River is Wild

My mighty river is freezing in. Yesterday I thought I saw ice near the shore in Chatham Head, but I couldn't be certain. Today there is no doubt. Ice floes throughout. Have the ducks all gone where they're going yet? This week every morning there have been hundreds boogeying up past my place. But now there's ice. I wonder if I'll start seeing the eagles again soon. I haven't seen them since the ice went out. I've been thinking they'll come back when it returns.

Had bacon, eggs, toast and coffee for breakfast. Woke at 8:20 after only 3 hours sleep. Went to the bathroom but then went back to bed and slept til nearly 10. I needed it. I've been burning the candle at both ends all week. And today I only have 2 non-drowsy sinus caps to take, so I can't rely on drugs to push me through. Plus I'm going out this evening with the mighty crew, don't want to be dead knackered. So I woke up all stuffed up from lack of meds. I need to somehow make my way to Douglastown this week for a neti pot.

I need to rededicate myself to wellness. I need to do that asap! Because I've let it go by the wayside and I'm unwell.

Mood: rough around the edges
Drinking: coffee, italian roast, black
Listening To: fistful of throttle, nathan wiley
Hair: it's growing on me

The Razor's Edge

Have I mentioned that I took it upon myself to do away with almost a whole head of hair? Yeah. Chopped it off. Razored throughout. Who knows why I do these things? I've never gone this far before. When I turn 40 I'm going to have a mid-life crises and dye it blue/black. I suppose the hair doesn't really matter. Yeah, it's pretty effed up, all different lengths. But I think all it needs is the right attitude to carry it off. If I hold my head high, smile with confidence, as if I think my hair looks fabulous, maybe nobody else will notice. Maybe.

I am so frigging sleepy. Got just under 4 hours sleep last night. Moon dreams. Nightmares. Not the truly scary kind where I wake up screaming or crying or both, but the kind where I come to in a rush of breath and immediately realize I'm ok. Those ones aren't too bad. Got caught up on some housework today. Lord knows it was needed! When I get behind, I get WAY behind. Feeling better now.

Just made a pot of coffee. I am giving myself four hours to complete a certain amount of work and then I can go to bed and watch one of the dvds Stace dropped off earlier. Tomorrow is Sunday! So I'm probably looking at a 7:30 morning, even though I've already seen all of this week's Corrie. Oh well, give me lots of time to frig with my hair before the mighty rodd outing.

Mood: medicated
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: calm like a bomb, rage against the machine
Hair: razored, strawberry blonde

Git 'er Done!

I stayed up pretty late last night, until about 3:30 or so. I took my last dose of sinus meds around 5:30 but still it didn't seem to help as far as sleepy went. I had lots of work to do anyway. I watched An Evening with Kevin Smith while I ate a frog and did some transcribing of stories that came in handwritten on looseleaf. Fabulous! Don't even ask me how I've come this far and not seen any of these films. There were quite a few stories I had already heard on Smodcast, which was a bit of a surprise, but lots of giggles regardless. I'm going to watch the newer one from last year sometime this weekend.

The Mighty crew is going to the Christmas Dinner Theatre at the Rodd on Sunday night. It's out annual staff Xmas gathering. It should be fun. I haven't been in a few years. The last time we went there was just me, Stacy and Terry. Times have changed! We'll fill a table now. I think me and Stacy are going to sneak our way into a Christmas party at the Tea House! LOL No seriously, we've been talking about it. The Tea House is all decked out and looking mighty cozy and Christmas-like, I can't think of a better place to get in the spirit. I'm kinda actually getting in the spirit on my own. The other night when me, Stace, and Les were shopping at Jean Coutu they were playing carols over the speakers. Whenever I'm in Jean Coutu I'm reminded of Sackville and I get a little nostalgic. I miss it a lot sometimes. The quaintness, the compactness. Miramichi is much bigger. I need to go downtown and shop around the square, see if I can find some quaintness there. Decorations in the park and such must come soon. Santa Claus parades must happen soonish.

Oh well, enough rambling about stuff. The meds seem to have kicked in so I'm off for another productive day.

Mood: chipper
Drinking: coffee, water
Listening To: 1973, james blunt
Hair: sliced and diced. literally. i totally chopped off my ponytail and then took the razor to my head. seriously. i went from three inches below my shoulders to just below my ears. all by myself!! it's the drugs man, it's gotta be the drugs

Merry Happy

Oh boy, how could I have forgotten how lovely non-drowsy sinus meds are?! I've been in agony for weeks, months even, and all I needed to do was go buy some drugs. Sheesh! I had not intended to buy a non-drowsy formula. Because my goal was to get some sinus relief, not get that little amphetamine-like energetic loss of appetite buzz that I am highly susceptible to addiction. Sometimes I miss bennies. There. I've said it. I mean 10,000 steps happened daily back in those days, I'll tell ya! Should've had a pedometer strapped on, just for fun. I can't even imagine how many miles I put on regularly. The queen of the 10 minute walk. Ten minutes from Mom's to M's. Ten minutes from the club to R's. Or maybe that was 15, but even then, DAMN! That's far! Walking from back the clubhouse in Cains River to Mom's, in cowboy boots. On my feet 24/7 behind the bar, in heeled granny boots. Yeah, sometimes I miss that. Sometimes. And how many steps would that walk from the Anglican Church in the Rapids to home have been?! That's far! You know, I still love walking, still love being on my feet. Just can't convince my brain that I should make more time for that. Getting there.

I also bought a mild laxative last night. Been having some issues. But I was thinking the mixture, speed, laxative, you'd think I was trying to quickly shed some pounds. I'm not. But hey, now I have the tools I need for a quick 10 drop in a most unhealthy manner. Or I could just stop eating fried chicken and potato chips. That's a thought.

Mood: buzzing
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: at the 100th meridian, tragically hip
Hair: currently, it's kinda like i gave myself a mullet . . . i'm gonna try again, chop more off, i may be in need of emergency hair care from a professional very soon

BodySnatchers & Stuff

Speaking of remakes of movies . . . What if a filmmaker decided to remake you? Your life? Would you be cool with that? And while they were the new improved you, who would you be? . . . Speaking of remaking . . . Would you rather be body snatched or kill yourself? This is what Kevin and Scott are talking about on Smodcast right now. I am laughing my ass off. Laughter is good.

If Kevin Smith wants to remake my life. I'm in! That would be freaking hilarious.

I feel slightly better today. Human again, almost. Time to get back to work.

Mood: giggly
Drinking: coffee (instant! I KNOW!!)
Listening To: smodcast 37: In a Row??
Hair: in a daring move, I chopped off a bunch of my hair, ALL BY MYSELF!!

Going to California

Zeppelin reminds me of Cameron Crowe . . . Jack Black . . . and . . . Kevin.

I want a cigarette.

I want cc and coke.

I want to lie on a dirty floor with my eyes closed and feel the bass vibrating off my spine.

I don't feel very well today.

Mood: unwell
Drinking: water
Listening To: led zeppelin
Hair: i'm frigging cutting it, right now!

A Day

I'm skipping Mighty Monday because I'm sick. Been feeling a little off since last week. But really started to get bad on Saturday, worse yesterday, still lingers today. Sore throat, major headache and sinus clogging, achy all over. Blah! Oh well. It seems that some (or one) of my past blog posts were read aloud to diners at Mel's on Friday night during a roving of poets at Sackville's annual midnight madness. Fabulous! Wish I could have been. The BnM party on Saturday went very well. I think everyone had a good time. I know I did, despite nearly losing my voice during my reading. The company was wonderful, the food fabulous, great wine! All good stuff. I no longer have to go to Fredericton for a couple of days this week, which is really good, because I need to get some work done. I need to get my head on straight.

Mood: dazed
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: general household appliance hums
Hair: dammit! i'm cutting it!

Ow Wow

So my below zero feeling normal look ma no aches bit didn't last long. Temperatures in the teens! The frigging teens! You don't even want to know how bad this messes me up. My toes on my right foot . . . god love me :-(

It's the not the pain so much. Pain I can handle. But handling it, feeling it, living with it 24/7 for days on end is just so frigging exhausting. It's hard to wake up. Hard to stay focused. Much harder to get things done.

Mood: most of my body feels like it's on its fire (and not in a good warm nice way)
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: email plunk into my inbox
Hair: blah

Snowy Walk

It snowed. White stuff on the ground. Just a layer, but still. Winter. Finally. Last night I went for a walk after I got home from work. I walked down the Old King George Hwy almost to French Fort Cove (to the last house, I worry about bears closer to the cove). I love when the temperature goes below zero. It's difficult to describe how it feels, but last night racing along the pavement my legs felt fantastic, like I could walk forever, like a perfectly oiled machine. No pain, but even more than an absence of pain, like an injection of . . . youth? Joints swinging, no catching. No shin splints, no muscles pulling double duty. Pure perfection. Is this the way walking feels to other people all the time? And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I love winter! It's the only time of the year when I get to be completely normal.

When I walk the Old hwy I plug in both ear buds and get lost in my head with the music. Normally there aren't many or even any people around, I only cross two streets, sidewalk all the way, so I feel okay not necessarily having a grip on all the sounds around me. When I walk around the neighborhood, or on the hwy, downtown, etc. I leave one ear open so I don't accidentally step out in front of a car or people passing on the street don't sneak up on me and so on.

Anyway, last night just as I was getting back, passing the Co-op, I thought I could hear the train, and it seemed like it was too early for the train, so I was wondering if it was just trucks or if it was later than I thought (wanted to get home in time to watch Corrie) Lost deep in thought, slowing down on the sidewalk to see if I could see anything, Michael Buble crooning in my ears, and this young guy in a long coat, hood up, hands thrust into pocket, steps around me on the inside. Scared the freaking crap out of me! I screamed. I may even have pushed him. Which scared the freaking crap out of him! So he screamed. And then I saw it was just a geeky kid, probably going to the store or someplace, maybe one of the FatKat boys. So I apologized. And he hightailed it down the road and I barely made it home from doubling over, laughing so hard. It was freaking hilarious. Poor guy. I feel bad for him. I bet he thinks twice about passing anyone on the street again.

Mood: giggling
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: eyes of a stranger, queensryche
Hair: a constant puzzlement

Wicked Come Winter

The wind here is insane this morning! Wicked!

I had a perfect day yesterday. I put my house in order. I got a lot of work/work done. Sunday is my favourite day of the week. Seriously. I frigging love it! I wake up at 7:30 no matter how late I've stayed up Saturday night. My body is in tune with Coronation Street. But this week I had watched Corrie every evening at 7 so there was no need to flick on the tube at 7:30 as usual. Instead I lazed until 8 and then got up, made coffee, and jumped into some long overdue housework. I vacuumed. I scrubbed. I did laundry and dishes. I took out the trash. I dusted. I made a blt! I took time to watch a couple of episodes of The Closer. I worked on bnm until after midnight. Then went to bed and read until after 1. It just felt like the most wonderful productive day ever! I love those days. I loved yesterday.

And the best part of yesterday--no Sunday Night Anxiety! I was way too tired from having done everything. Plus today is a holiday so there was no Monday morning meeting to interfere with my productivity and throw me out of sorts. I get to continue in the manner I've started the week. Yay!

Today is also going to be an amazing day.

Mood: productive & focused
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: milord, edith piaf
Hair: i try not to think about it

Seven on Sunday

Another meme. Just because. This is one that you're supposed to do every Sunday. Same questions every week. It's to help you pause and reflect on the important stuff. Had I known I was going to do this today maybe I would have went out more, or paid better attention. Anyway, here goes.

Seven things you're grateful for:
1. my fantastic family
2. my wonderful workplace
3. my natural knack for words
4. my harmonious health
5. my amazing apartment
6. my fabulous friends
7. life so far

Seven meaningful events from the past week:
1. mighty monday is always meaningful
2. immediately recognizing my phobias as being nothing but when they kicked in full-force this week
3. having the ability to talk sense to myself to push past the phobias despite major discomfort
4. having the ability to hang onto my positive attitude in the face of many little challenges that would normally rattle my cage big time
Hmm, it would seem that it's difficult to have meaningful events when you stay in all week feeling a bit sickly and anti-social. Maybe more will come to me later.

Seven upcoming events on your horizon:
1. a third and possibly fourth date this week
2. a mighty tuesday complete with cake and smoothies
3. publishing bnm online on wednesday
4. a bnm gathering of staff and contributors on saturday
5. interviewing an interesting young miramichier this week
6. finishing the print editorial for december this week
7. possibly an overnight to freddy middle of next week

Seven things that made you happy last week:
1. coronation street
2. red wine
3. kevin smith
4. dutch cookies
5. J/A/S/O/N/
6. sweet chili sauce
7. phone calls that made me smile

Seven steps of progress you made toward a goal:
1. i went through submissions and planned the next 3 online issues of bnm
2. i emailed contributors new deadline info
3. i outlined the dec print page line-up
4. i edited many stories for the dec print edition
5. i wrote stories for the dec print edition
6. i set up final interviews for the dec print edition
7. i made contacts and laid groundwork for feb print edition

Seven acts of kindness this week you observed:
gosh! it's hard to see kindness when you never leave the house! and this week i REALLY stayed inside.
1. jen went out of her way to take me on an errand run

Seven acts of kindness you performed:
1. i printed out stuff for sher and left it on my door for her to pick-up
2. i remembered to give gas money!
3. i accepted people's submissions, edited and gave critical feedback
4. i agreed to proof a book
5. i made time in my deadline raged schedule to spend with a friend
6. i said hello to guy on bicycle even tho he was pissing me off (lol, i know, i'm grasping at straws here)
okay, so i need to get out more, do more kind things.

Mood: reflective
Drinking: coffee, a new kind, not sure i'm loving it
Listening To: say it right, nelly furtado
Hair: ponied for housework

BBS

I have to do something about my hair. Cut it. Dye it a darker colour. I don't know. Something. Honest to God I can't go anywhere anymore! And it's driving me crazy.

I've been here since February. I've been out and about, walking for exercise, walking for errands, walking, walking, walking . . . but only in the past few weeks has anyone noticed. Every time I go out there are cars slowing, strangers tooting, men leering and whistling and calling out, "Hey lady!" I thought it was the hat. Then when it happened when I wasn't wearing the hat, I thought maybe it was the black pants, the jean jacket, the leather backpack even. So I left all that stuff at home. And still the boy nearly falls off his bicycle in his zealous waving to get my attention. It's the effing hair. Got to be. That's all I got left.

The hair is long now. And thick. And blonde. And all spring, summer, early fall, it's been up in a pony tail and I've been invisible, but now it's loose and flowing and suddenly everybody and their dog is looking and pointing and wondering who the hell I am and will I have sex for money or just for kicks. This place has a bad case of Big Blonde Syndrome (BBS). PEOPLE! Please! Get a freaking grip!

It just annoys the crap out of me. Okay, yes, I admit, the first day it was kinda fun. And yeah, even the second day brought a little grin to my chapped lips. But having to race home with my heart pounding in my chest, terrified I've been followed by some lunatic manchild who may or may not be right the hell out of 'er on lord knows what, not so much fun! And everything after, just perplexes me. I mean it's not like I'm the skinny young chick with the bare midriff and the platinum blonde hair anymore. I'm out doing grocery shopping, eyes red and puffy with sinus infection, no make-up, bundled up in my big winter coat! I'm a black blob carrying WAY too many bags!

So why do people always follow ME home?! Like seriously. I don't get it.

Ever since I was a kid . . . crazy street kid chasing me into the subway yelling "hey blondie!" Crazy Jamaican dude waiting for me at the bus stop every day for a week. Crazy boy with a 2-4 on his bicycle handlebars. Crazy man chasing me through the field from Sobey's in Moncton. Everybody else lived there for freaking years, I'm there a few months, laying REAL low, I mean soooo low, yet I'm the one getting chased through the field. Crazy, crazy, crazy, everywhere I turn.

But you know, I'm older now. And . . . blobbier. I thought I'd put the crazies behind me. But nooooo, apparently they were only on vacation.

Mood: dripping in sarcasm
Drinking: cold coffee, water
Listening To: annie's song, john denver
Hair: UP!!

Whatever Gets You Through the Day

Haven't been myself this week. I need to go outside. I'm too much inside my head . . . again! So I'm heading downtown this afternoon for some shopping. I want bacon. In particular I want a BLT sandwich. Yeah. I think I need to take care of that little craving.

It was very cold here last night. I kept the thermostat at 21-22 in my bedroom and closed the door to keep the heat in, so it was okay in there, but now my head is plugged solid from the electric heat. Crazy sinuses. I should go to PharmaSave and see if they have any netipots. OR I can just buy something spicy to eat. Some of that sweet pepper sauce I love with crispy chicken. Or something jerked. That'll clear things up, bust my sinuses loose.

The front rooms are very cold. They get that way when there's no sun. The sun makes a huge difference here. Anyway . . .

In keeping with yesterday's meme trend. Here's an offensive six for Saturday.

1. Which of the following two would you find more offensive if you saw it out in the open in a family restaurant: two men holding hands or a woman breast-feeding a child? Why?

Neither of these things would offend me in the slightest.

2. Which of the following would you find more offensive if you heard someone say it: a blond joke or a racial joke? Why?

Definitely a racial joke. The dumb blonde doesn't really exist. I mean, yeah, there are dumb blondes, but there are dumb brunettes and red heads too. The whole dumb blonde thing was created in the media by blondes themselves. But a racial joke is a whole other thing entirely.

3. Which of these would you generally consider more offensive: An atheist who badmouths Christians, or a Christian who badmouths atheists? Why?

It's equally offensive. I'm offended by people badmouthing others in general. It's okay to have different views. It's okay to debate those different views. But calling someone down just because they have a different view is not okay. And it's not even that I'm offended so much by these people, I just don't want to be around them.

4. Which of the following ideas about a presidential hopeful would you find more offensive: that a woman shouldn’t run for president because a woman doesn’t belong in the White House, or that a black man shouldn’t run for president because a black man doesn’t belong in the White House? Why?

Again, how could a person even choose the most offensive thing here, they're both atrocious.

5. Which of the following political terms or movements would you find the most offensive: “Pro-Life” or “Defense of Marriage”? Why?

I'm not sure what Defense of Marriage is exactly, but I'm thinking it's probably an anti-gay movement. And if so, I think I'd be more offended by them. I'm not comfortable with any ultra-conservative movements. And I do think that some sects of pro-life can be too radical, but I also think the abortion issue is a very grey area. It's not so easy to come down solidly on one side or another because there are so many things to consider. When is the fetus an actual kid? What are the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy? But the whole gay marriage thing is totally black/white to me. Gay couples should have exactly the same rights as hetero couples. Period.

6. Which of the following forms of protest are you likely to find most offensive: an animal rights group’s members shedding clothes to encourage people not to buy fur, or a war protest group’s members burning the American flag to criticize war policy? Why?

Neither offends me. Get naked! Burn those flags! Throwing acid on people, burning books, those things offend me.

Mood: full of wonder
Drinking: nothing
Listening To: beautiful day, u2
Hair: i keep looking at in the mirror, studying the possibilities . . . soon

OMG! I Love it!

New Foo Fighters video! Hilarious! Love it!

Friday Fifteen Fun

I haven't been feeling very well this week. Kinda sickly. Starting to come around some maybe today. At least I'm starting to feel like Crispy Chicken and Sweet Pepper Sauce! LOL

Been awhile since I did a meme, so I thought I'd post one. Maybe you'll be inspired to post your own results on your blog . . . especially those of you who haven't blogged in a really LONG time . . . you know who you are. Nuff said. Onward.

The topic is: 15 Cancelled TV Shows That I Miss (in no particular order)

1. What About Brian
2. Freaks and Geeks
3. Out of Practice
4. Everwood
5. Felicity
6. The Mole
7. Push, Nevada
8. Vanished
9. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
10. Roswell
11. Arrested Development
12. Firefly
13. Third Watch
14. On-Air with Ryan Seacrest
15. American Dreams

Wow! That's a hard list to make. At first I thought I would never think of 15 but then once I got rolling I remembered way more and had a hard time to narrow it down.

Mood: playful
Drinking: cold coffee
Listening To: in the sun, coldplay
Hair: i dunno about my hair anymore

One of the Worst Ones

Celebrity guest star in last night's dream, none other than Rosie O'Donnell herself. Details are fuzzy. We were working together, on a new show, I can only assume to be the rumored MSNBC show I read about yesterday. She's doing talky blogs while in hair and make-up. It's a dream montage of the first day. Cut to sunset on a white sand beach, warm breeze off the water. I'm tiptoeing through the sand in my gold strappy sandals, pencil leg black pants (I am no longer a fatty! back to my right size!) and there she is with shiny black hair much wispier than I imagined. She's in full make-up, red red lips, really pretty. Her blouse is a blue/grey plaid-like print with silver threads that sparkle in the setting sun. She passes me a flute of champagne and lifts her own in a toast, "Well, we had a good run, Kid." We drink. I wake. This morning I learn talks have broke off with the network and her show is kaput.

This week I've been doing something a bit different. I've been turning off the computer in the evening, going to the bedroom, watching the 6pm CBC NB news, then Corrie, then reading. No computer all evening. No computer work (though the reading has sometimes been work related). I didn't even turn the computer on at all on Monday when I got home from Mighty day. Sometimes you just need to disconnect, disentangle, to get some perspective, to recharge creativity cells. There are only so many ways to say this person is doing great stuff.

Mood: achy
Drinking: coffee, nowhere even near the good stuff
Listening To: nathan wiley! needle in the groove
Hair: i'm gonna cut it! dammit! today! on my own!

Here We Go Again

And though time goes by I will always be in a club with you in 1973 . . . it's more like 1988 or 1993 or 1997 in my case, but I get the sentiment. James Blunt gets me with this song, makes me melancholy. It's unusual for me to get so sentimental. But seriously I tear up every time I hear 1973. It takes me different places with different people. People who are no longer part of my life, who I will likely never see again, and who I'll certainly never be close to again. And yeah, there are lots of people who I'm ecstatic to never have another conversation with for as long as I live, and there are many moments with many people that I'd just as soon forget . . . but there were some good times too. Some really great times.

When I was younger I didn't appreciate these moments. In the way of most young people I just thought things would go on forever. Moments came and went and I didn't savour them, I didn't pause to enjoy being in them, they were just blips on my way to somewhere else. Always moving. Ok, that was great, but what's next? I never once thought this might be the last time I see this person or this might be the last kiss or this might be the last time we make love. If I knew it was the last, surely I would've cared more. I would have committed the moment to memory in greater detail. Wouldn't have I?

Live and learn.

I'm so in the moment now, it's difficult to plan ahead. I'm just so conscious. I have been. Years now. When things are happening, I know all I have is right now. I close my eyes and let the feelings wash over me. The way his arm brushes mine as we stand close. The cool breeze on my face, bringing the fresh scent of the season. The way my hair falls into my eyes. That nervous giggle. The way the light shimmers on our hair. The way the music makes me sway just a little. In a second my mind imprints everything to memory and I grin. No matter what happens tomorrow or next week or even in the next five minutes, this moment is perfect and I'm happy and I'll never forget.

These aren't the moments I get melancholy and sentimental about. I only get sad about the ones that passed without me being fully in them. Some people say you should take pictures so you'll never forget. Yes, pictures are nice too. But I have those and they don't help. Even in the photos I'm not fully present. My strongest memories, the ones that bring a smile to my lips, that can take me back and allow me to once again feel the joy and happiness of that time, are the ones where I consciously looked around and said to myself, "This is my happiness and I will treasure it always." There are no photos to remind me, no videotapes or sound recordings. Just me, being there and understanding the significance.

So many times I have put off doing things, or decided to wait for better timing. Nearly always these things end up being my regrets. I don't have many regrets, I tend to be of the school of thought that everything that has happened has shaped me to the person I am today and without those experiences I might be someone else I don't like nearly as well. I have never regretted any of the things I've done, no matter how terrible, traumatic or stupid those decisions might have been. My only regrets are things I didn't do. I look back and think if only I'd known that was my only opportunity or that I'd never see that person again, I would have gone for it. I would have squashed any of my fears that held me back and I just would have went for it. So I try to do better. I don't like having regrets. I try to stay in the moment. Yes, I get off-track sometimes. It's always easier to allow your fear to win. It's never easy to feel very afraid and vulnerable but push on anyway. It's hard! But that's when the good stuff happens.

Sometimes I need to remind myself of this.

Mood: philosophical
Drinking: coffee (i'm too lazy to grind the good stuff . . .)
Listening To: the city destroyed me, nathan wiley
Hair: damp, long and loose

Don't Stop Believin'

Sometimes I feel like taking the midnight train to anywhere . . . but not today! It's too damn cold! I think. My apartment is kinda chilly. I think I need to crank up the oven, cook a roast or something. I'm distracted by Journey in the background. Street lights, people . . . ok, not much time, need to focus. I'm a little fuzzy around the edges (ok, A LOT!)

Low tide this morning brought a lot of crap out from high waters upriver. A lot of trees, some other things like plastic barrels and other garbage. There was even a fishing boat out there, which is rare these days as all the docks have been pulled back, everybody's ready for winter. Anyway, I took some pictures before it got too bad.

Here you can see some crap on the water, but it got way worse about 10 minutes later right at the height of low tide.


This is the view outside my front picture window. Kinda cool, huh? I like it, it's a constant source of inspiration for me. Just makes me happy and grounded, you know.


So here you can see some more junk coming down on the tide, there's some sort of plastic barrel and some branches and things.

The view looking toward Chatham, you can see the outline of the Centennial Bridge in the distance. It was a kind of blue/grey misty morning. Another storm coming, not as bad as Noel.

This is my living/dining room. The whole front wall is pretty much two big windows. I work in a corner by the littlest window. I like eating in front of the big window. At night the lights on the water are lovely.

Mood: a little weird
Drinking: coffee (INSTANT!! shh, don't tell anyone, don't want to ruin my "coffee snob" rep)
Listening To: how to save a life, the fray
Hair: ponied for life

Back in Black

Stomach is a bit flippy today. Getting ready for an interview this afternoon. Not wanting to do the work, not feeling like research, like asking questions. Just want to laze and listen to music, maybe see if I can find the latest Friday Night Lights. The girls visit went well. No incidents, minor or major. I didn't sleep very well, but that's okay. We had a good time. Lots of surprises. J&J and kids arriving shortly for brief drop-in. Just before my interview. Should be reading all the pdfs on her website instead of blogging . . . but I'm tired and sometimes it's just as well not to go in knowing too much.

Yesterday was a good day. D picked me up around 3pm, late after getting lost en route from an excursion down the baie. I wasn't too concerned, running late myself, since the kids stayed longer than I had anticipated. His punishment was not so harsh, just a brief shopping excursion into Zellers to get Nick a dog bed. Mission accomplished, we went and got a coffee at Tim's then sat in the parking lot and talked for about an hour and a half. Mostly I listened. I'm kind of like an interrogator. By times. Oh well, he doesn't seem to mind. The interest of full disclosure seems topmost.

Conversation continued over dinner at Boston Pizza. My choice. It's close to the movie theatre. The rain started while we were eating. It wasn't so bad when we left the restaurant, much worse hours later when we left the movies. We saw American Gangster with Russell Crowe and Denzel Washington. It was good. Not great. But good. Not as violent as I had imagined. Still, enough to make me jumpy. After the movie the streets were flooding with so much water, the rain was coming down in sheets and waves. We sat in my apartment parking lot for another hour or two, and then I made the boy go home in the storm. He called to let me know he made it okay, though it was a stressful long slow drive. He called again this morning. Just to say good morning and wish me luck with my work today. I'm not used to all this attention. But it's nice.

And now I must go get my head in the game. Get ready to depart for interview.

Mood: content
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: photograph, def leppard
Hair: soon to be wet

Oh What a Life

My list just keeps getting bigger and bigger. And I cross off more and more every day. And it just gets bigger again. So much to do. So precious little time. I'm played out. Doing interviews, editing, doing websites, publishing, doing admin . . . there is absolutely no time for health or housework. None. I mean ZERO! No time to go for a walk. No time to cook breakfast, lunch or dinner. No time to sweep, take the garbage out, do dishes, clean the bathroom . . . Though I did manage to get some laundry done and to actually get myself showered. I just need to not even turn the computer on tomorrow morning. Just focus on the basics. Kids are arriving after 2pm for a sleepover. I like to spend time with them. I don't mind them coming. It'll be fun. But right now, I'm soooo not ready. Then I may have a date Saturday night. (Yes! Another one so soon!) It was supposed to be Sunday, but I've got to work on Sunday, have an interview with someone who can only meet me then. So really, all I got is tomorrow morning to get my shit together for a busy weekend. Then right into Mighty Monday, which is always hectic and next week is my deadline. Yeah, I'm taking tomorrow off to get my household ducks in a row. I need to.

In last night's dream I was a cop, like a detective. I think with CSIS. I was investigating a terrorist cell and having an affair with my very adorable partner. Kinda Saving Grace of me. We were in Montreal. I could speak French! And a bunch of other languages too. There was a guy, in robes, long hair, a holy man like a modern day Jesus (hah! Jesus of Montreal!) and his following was almost cult-like. They had a bunch of warehouses that we had warrants to search. But when we got there, they were empty. Just this Jesus-like guy sitting on the floor, meditating, in the middle of this huge empty warehouse. It was weird.

These are my dreams. All the time. I don't always tell you. But I always have them. My mother thinks we're genetically flawed in some way . . . or cursed.

Mood: tired
Drinking: water
Listening To: come together, the beatles
Hair: in the royal blue head band