Half 'n Half

My dreams are gonna be the death of me. The past week has been nuts. Really nuts. I wake every few minutes thinking surely it's time to get up now, after I've just had a super long dream. I look at the clock and can't believe it's only 5 or 10 minutes since the last time I looked. If I'm really lucky 20 minutes will have gone by. I mean who gets into dream sleep so quickly!? Most of the time I'm in some half 'n half state, still here, but also there. It makes for one freaking long exhausting night I tell you. I lie there singing, "The night's too long, it just drags on and on, and then there's never enough, that's when the sun starts coming up . . ."

My dreams are all over the place. Some make me laugh, others make me sad, some are puzzling, and some frustrate the crap out of me. Luckily none have been too frightening. It's exhausting just having the dreams, but having nightmares on top of it would be too much. So I've been feeling a little out of it, a tad foggy in the brain. Still getting stuff done though.

Going up home this weekend. Spend some time with the pooch, maybe play some guitar warz, see the kids, watch a movie, get away from the computer and everyday life. Haven't been up since Christmas and it could be awhile before I can take time again. Lots on the go! Lots of new things coming into my life on all fronts--work, personal, and creatively. So far 2008 is a proving to be a pretty fantastic year for Kellie!

Mood: a little worn and worse for wear
Drinking: oj and instant coffee, cuz i'm too lazy to clean out the coffee maker
Listening To: No Love Lost, Joy Division
Hair: seeking professional help

Latest Headlines

Yesterday I broke down and vacuumed. I actually don't mind vacuuming, it's sweeping that every strand of my DNA opposes. The only reason I don't vacuum more often (like every second day) is because I only have carpet in the bedrooms and it likely scratches my floor more than cleans. Also I understand how thin the floors and ceilings are, that my vacuuming sound might as well be in my neighbour's apartments, above and below. Still, every now and again I vacuum. And sometimes I force myself to sweep. Other than crumbs inadvertently being swept from the counter to the floor in the kitchen, my floors don't really get that dirty. Dust bunnies tend to grow, but not much by way of sand or dirt. So yesterday as I was vacuuming, hoping I wasn't interrupting anyone's nap or drowning out their television program, I thought to myself there has to be a better way. There must be a way I can continue this gliding across the floor motion to pick up the dust bunnies in a non-motorized more ear-friendly fashion. And suddenly an image of my mother swiffing her living room popped into my head. Eureka! I need a Swiffer!

I immediately called my mother to see if anyone was coming into town shopping. Because it's been really cold. Because a Swiffer is kind of long and awkward to carry from downtown to my apartment. Because secretly I also wanted to look around for a bookcase. She told me my sister and brother-in-law were coming into town but to pick up pellets for their stove, so they would be removing all but essential seating from their van. Oh well, I shrugged. I'll just add it to my list.

Lucky for me (not so lucky for them) the pellets were sold out so they didn't remove their seats and came to pick me up instead. I came home armed with the Dollar Store version of the Swiffer, which I'm told is just as good as the brand name. We shall see how it works out. I couldn't find any bookcases that I loved, which was kind of depressing considering I looked at Renaud's, Kent's, Zellers and Wal-Mart. There are not a whole lot of places left on the river to buy such an item. Perhaps Staples? Lounsbury's? Canadian Tire? Home Hardware? Bargain Giant? Okay, maybe there are still a lot of places left to look.

I bought some cheapo dvds at Zellers and when I got home, after I had supper, I pretty much just got into my jammies and went to bed with dvds. Watched one, which totally awakened that urge to go to Italy. Started to watch another but was too tired to keep my eyes opened. Fell asleep shortly after 11, woke up at about a quarter to five. It was frigging cold in the room, took me until around 6 before I could convince myself to get out from under the warm covers.

Last night I dreamed we were having a party on the shore out by Howard's field. There used to be a lane that went out, not the lane to Howard's trailer, but another one down below that the sports would use to get out to their trailers. Not sure if it's still there or not. In the dream it was overgrown with switch grass. It was late summer, kind of damp and cold, coming on dark. Me, Stacy and Carol were walking out to meet everyone for a party. It got dark as we were going out the overgrown lane. We could hear a car slow down and turn into the lane, see the headlights, so we jumped off to the side so the vehicle wouldn't accidentally run us over in this tall grass. It was Jenn and Jason in their van. They couldn't see us as they drove past. We came back out on the road and kept going down the hill, then another vehicle came and we went off into the woods. This time it was Gary, Sherry and kids in an extended cab half-ton (not Dad's, but navy coloured). Gary had his window down so I think we must have sung out to him because for some reason they noticed us and stopped where Jen and Jason hadn't. The three of us climbed onto the back and road out to the party.

At the shore there was a spot about the size of a queen-sized bed where the long grass had been flattened. This was at the edge of a small drop (maybe 4-5 feet) right into the water. The water was high, dirty and rushing like there had been a lot of rain. I was terrified of the girls falling in. Jenn and Jason weren't out there, we were the first to arrive. Gary put on a small fire in the centre and we all sat pretty much on top of one another as we opened drinks. I drank wine in a long-stemmed glass. We were chattering and talking and the kids were bored because it was like a party you'd go to when you were a teenager. There were no wienies to roast, no marshmallows. We had nothing for the kids. Gary was getting upset. Because his girls were getting upset. Because the space was so small. Because we were all drinking and chattering about silly gossipy stuff like we hadn't a care in the world. Finally, he threw up his hands and lit into us, "You're not seriously going to sit here all night and drink like this are you?!" Etc. Etc. And the more he ranted, the more he paced in our little area. Sherry didn't seem to understand why he was upset. She was all like, "Oh my God, have I done something? Are you mad at me? What's going on?" I could see Stacy and Carol rolling their eyes at one another as if to say, "Men! They just look for any excuse to ruin a good time!" I was watching Gary pace and saying, "Be careful of the edge. Be careful. You're gonna fall in." But nobody seemed to even hear me.

Sure enough he stepped back too far and dropped into the water. He didn't fall down, but kept his footing, though the water was up to his thighs. Then everyone laughed, including him, and we decided maybe we'd rather go to their house and hang out instead.

And such is the way of dreams.

Mood: giddy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: snowmobiles on the river
Hair: needing something, but I'm not sure what

Uptown Girl

Parts of the internet seem slow and unwieldy today, mostly related to email but I've noticed a few websites I frequently visit have disappeared altogether in the overnight. Not sure what's going on.

Had a pretty good day yesterday. Got over 10,000 steps, wrote almost 250 words on personal creative writing unrelated to BnM, did two loads of laundry, did all the dishes, got to watch an episode of Nip/Tuck and Coronation Street, nailed down things for April WFNB weekend, stayed up all night until 5 this morning working on the BnM stuff, slept a few hours without too many crazy dreams (still crazy, but no Dr. Phil or Vietnamese hitmen, so I was thankful), am up and at 'em having enjoyed coffee and pancakes, sun hanging in the sky, and I'm happy.

Rolling right online.

Mood: productive
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: everlong, foo fighters (acoustic)
Hair: greasy

All You Need is Love

Having a crazy full moon week. Not very frigging productive, I gotta say. Dr Phil celebrity guest starred in one of last night's dreams. Just when I needed him! It was an odd sort of dream. I had been chosen to participate in some sort of an intelligence contest, like an IQ thing. Sherry had also been chosen from our school, along with about four other kids. We were whisked away to someplace way up the Howard Road to be sequestered until the competition. Dr. Phil seemed to not like me much. His favourite was clearly the little girl with the blonde hair. I was very near disqualified for doing something not just so, but since the little girl with the blonde hair had committed the same faux pas, he couldn't very well kick me out and keep her in. So we went to the school gymnasium to begin this competition and I waited for the rules to be explained to me, but somehow I wasn't told what I was supposed to do. A display of playing cards and designer bags was put in front of us and everyone immediately went to work solving the puzzle. I had no clue! And I was pretty pissed about it, complaining to Dr. Phil, who just smiled smugly and said, "How's that working for ya?" I could see Mom in the crowd, cheering us on, mouthing at me to step up and do something. The others were shifting cards and grabbing purses, opening them to find prizes inside. Sherry had jewelry, some of the boys had collected gift cards from Rogers Video, and the little blonde haired girl had a rhinestone tiara and cash totaling over a hundred dollars. I was flabbergasted, so angry that nobody would tell me how to play this game, what the rules were. Then I woke up, thankfully.

The rest of the night was spent running around downtown Toronto trying to escape from two Vietnamese hitmen. The dream lasted for hours and hours, through multiple wakings. Through movie theatres and restaurants, on the PATH, on the street, in highrise buildings. I had a little dog with me, a little brown fuzzy that I could carry in my arms. It was exhausting trying to get out of the Eaton Centre and out of the downtown. I couldn't believe how difficult it was to lose these guys. Finally I ran down the stairs into the subway at Queen, the train was just coming in heading south. I thought for a split second that maybe I could get on, get to union, grab a train. I could hear footsteps running down the steps. Instead of getting on the train, I hid in a garbage bin. The men ran down just as the train pulled out and they radioed their accomplices that I was on my way south, probably to union. Then they got on the next train to union, and I emerged from the garbage bin and headed north to Bloor.

This is the kind of weird stuff the full moon does to me.

Mood: sleepy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: End of the Innocence, Bruce Hornsby
Hair: neglected and forgotten

Yesterday

Saw a deer on the road, somewhere around McNamee. He came over the bank and looked like he was about to cross. Judy tooted the horn to scare him off in the face of oncoming traffic.

In springtime at the club I would look out the window and not be able to count all the deer in the field. Mornings I would sit on the step and smoke and watch for hours. So peaceful.

When people find out about those years spent in the club and the wild way I lived, they will often say about all the stories I must have accumulated, fodder for fiction. And I'll smile and say yes that's for sure. I saw a lot. I heard a lot. I did a lot. But the truth is I don't seem to have very many stories from then. At least not many I'm ready to tell. When I think back on that time in my life, all I can remember and feel is my overwhelming sadness.

I understand now that I was running. I know why and what from, but understanding hasn't made it any easier to revisit that time in my memory. My sadness is still too much. More distance is needed.

You don't see a lot of good in people when you're behind a bar. People tend to reveal their very worst self. It can shake your whole faith in the human race. My faith was beyond shaken, but trampled into the ground. I doubted whether I would ever get it back. But I have. It's taken time. It's taken surrounding myself with the very best people on the planet. But I have faith again. Good people exist. I spent time with several of them yesterday.

Mood: undecided
Drinking: coffee, instant, with skim
Listening To: just me, reading aloud and yawning
Hair: seriously getting on my nerves

Road Trip

Heading to Fredville in the a.m. for official WFNB business. Had planned to leave today, wine all night, but plans snowed out. Oh well, hopefully in the morning travel will be easier. Moonlight overhead now. Fluffy clouds in shadow. Steady stream of traffic crossing the bridges. Snowmobiles breaking trails on snowy river ice. Buddy takes his dog out next door. Dog loves the snow, runs round and round circling the back yard, plowing through the drifts. Playful. Last night I dreamed I had to put Nick to sleep. He was sick. Mom insists soon enough this will be true.

Mood: jittery
Drinking: water
Listening To: socializing happening below
Hair: getting too long and thick

Ordinary

Every once in awhile I remember that morning. I'm not sure why. Maybe the memory is triggered by a smell or a light, a temperature or a sound. Maybe it only happens when I'm hungry or sleepy or both. All I know is that every now and again that morning pops into the top slot of my brain and I find myself back there not understanding why I've been summoned. It wasn't an unusual morning. Nothing particularly exciting happened. It was just an ordinary day, like so many other ordinary days that never demand my memory's attention. A day like hundreds of others. Yet for some reason I remember it.

A few of us stayed at the club after closing. We listened to music, played pool, bullshitted and drank until morning. Late spring/early summer, maybe May or June. The sun was fierce slicing through layers of dust and cigarette smoke drifting round the rafters. We laughed so hard our cheeks hurt, each word out of our mouths adding to the running joke. We drank everything I had and were waiting for the liquor store to open. It opened early, 7 or 8 a.m. I drove the truck out the road, four in the cab, because I appeared to be the most sober. Me, the girl with no license, always the soberest of the drunken drivers. It was me also who would go into the store and buy the liquor. Because I was the most sober. Because I had money. Because I was the one who shopped for liquor on a daily basis, filling big orders to stock the bar. Because he wouldn't feel right about it, if I didn't do it myself.

I remember walking into the Metro. It was quiet. We'd missed the early work crowd, arrived before the nine-to-fivers. One girl behind the counter. One customer playing the machines. It was cool in the store, the sun hadn't come around to the big windows yet, the lights weren't turned on. In the liquor store part the lights burned bright and the gush of the cooler seemed deafening. The girl behind the counter followed me round while I grabbed a case of beer, some rye and Coke. "How are you, Kel?" Meaningless chit-chat about last night's non-existent customers, weekend plans, the weather, idle gossip. Always the same thing. Only I thought it was odd for me to be doing this kind of shopping on a weekday morning, and I did it all the time.

Boots clacking along the pavement, I remember exactly what I was wearing as I carried the provisions and loaded them on the back of the truck. Blue jeans faded nearly white, black cowboy boots, black belt, shirt tucked in, sleeves rolled up to my elbows, jean jacket over top of everything because of dampness in the morning air. One of the guys bailed while I was in the store, walked home. The owner of the truck decided he's sober enough now to drive. I squeeze in between the two burly men and straddle the hump in the middle, while he drives to the other guys house where we'll drink the rest of the liquor.

The house is just off the beaten path a bit. No visible neighbors. No view to speak of, back off the road, not close to the river. The sun higher and hotter in the sky. He has a pool table downstairs and we try to get a game going but nobody's into it. We sit outside on the deck listening to the birds and the bees and Led Zeppelin streaming out the patio doors from the stereo inside. I shed my jacket as it's too hot. Conversation lulls. They smoke a joint. I have many vices, but smoking joints is not one of them. First one and then the other excuses himself to the bathroom and doesn't return. Their snores soon mingle with the music. One guy crashed in his own bed upstairs. The other downstairs on the leather couch beside the pool table. I'm welcome to sleep too, I'll be safe here, but I can't. I take so many drugs to stay awake that sleep seldom comes. My heart races in my chest. My mouth goes dry. My ears ring. My hair stands on end. My hands and legs fidget. My eyes turn glossy. My pupils dilate. But my lids rarely close.

There's something unnatural about seeing day when you haven't slept, when you've been drinking for a long time, but you're not drunk. The world is brighter, brassier, louder. You notice tiny cracks in things that normally you would pass by without a glance. You wonder about blades of grass and dragonflies. You ponder dandelions and swallows. I sit on the deck all by myself, drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, growing increasingly more hot as the sun comes around and late morning turns to afternoon. After a couple of hours I decide I can't stay there, my skin is too fair, and like the vampire that I am I retreat into the dark coolness of the basement. He's still asleep on the leather sofa. In the bathroom I spend 15 minutes studying the red blotches on my face and wondering whether I've really sunburned or if it's just the wrong side of the day for me. I wander around the basement poking through musty old boxes, flipping pages in photo albums, reading random passages in books, playing records, smoking and drinking beer.

Late in the afternoon his eyes open and he asks what time it is, how long he's been out. It's after 4, I tell him. About time for me to make a decision. Will I go home to shower and change before I open the club at 7. Will I go to his house, shower, put on some of my same clothes, borrow some of his, and go without make-up or hair. Will we wake buddy up, see if he wants to come with us. Will I call home and see if somebody else can open for me tonight. Will I just say screw it and not open at all.

We decide together. We'll let him sleep. We'll both go home. We'll see each other later after I open.

I arrive home right at supper time. I don't eat but have a cup of tea and smoke while I catch up with my mom about who was around last night, where I've been all day. I lay down for 20 minutes. It feels like a lifetime. Then I shower, do my hair and make-up. I have more tea while I sit in my house coat, looking in the mirror at myself as I get ready. Another pair of jeans, another top tucked in with the same black belt, the same black cowboy boots. I sling my jean jacket over my shoulder, grab my money bag and I'm off.

The sun is setting as we arrive at the club. I unlock the door. Raise the bar window. Put the cash in the register. Load the coolers with the liquor order we picked up along the way. I feed loonies to the jukebox and select my favourite songs. I grab a beer, twist the top and wash down two more pills as I settle onto my stool for another work night. I sit there for an hour before the door opens and someone comes in to save me from my loneliness. I serve. We chat. He tips.

Much later, after I turn off most of the lights and flip the sign to closed, a few of us will linger, drinking and bullshitting until dawn.

Mood: nostalgic
Drinking: chocolate chai tea
Listening To: refrigerator grumble
Hair: out of sight, out of mine

Mapping the Muse

Did I mention I watched some good movies on the weekend? Saturday was pretty much a full work day, but Saturday evening and the better part of Sunday I took some time off to nourish my soul and chill with some flicks. I finally watched 3:10 to Yuma, Across the Universe and Juno.

When Seth Bullock rode into Deadwood, South Dakota, I realized I am a fan of the western. It was a shock. My dad's a buff, big fan of the old spaghetti-western, anything with Clint Eastwood, and I grew up with these movies, believing I loathed the genre. As it turns out, not so. I actually enjoy the wild west with its honourable gentlemen, outlaws, renegades, saloons, proper ladies and not so proper ladies. I like a good western. My dad saw 3:10 to Yuma before me and declared that it wasn't bad, but not what you'd think. I wasn't sure what that meant. I understand now. Dad likes his westerns uncomplicated with good guys in white stetsons, bad guys in black, plain and simple so you know what to expect. On the other hand, I appreciate more complicated characters and plots. And in 3:10 to Yuma the lines between good guys and bad guys blur. You're not quite sure what to expect, whether good will win out in the end. It's a good movie. I don't often enjoy Russell Crowe, but I liked him here. And I always forget how much I enjoy Christian Bale until I see him in something new. I laughed, I cried, I sat on the edge of my seat. Worth seeing if you haven't already.

I can't say too much about Across the Universe, lest I accidentally leak spoilers and my musical/Beatles obsessed sister who hasn't seen the movie yet reads this post. Across the Universe never played at our local theatre. I so wish it had! It must be absolutely gorgeous on the big screen. This is one of the most visually compelling films I have seen in a long time. With the Beatles catalogue for sounds, you know you're going to be tapping your foot and singing along, which makes for a good time. There were moments when the hair stood up on the back of my neck and I got goosebumps all over my arms. I loved this movie and will buy the dvd so I can watch it repeatedly.

Juno is playing this week at our local theatre. Stacy and I had talked of going but with all the snowstorms in the forecast and happening right now, it's not gonna happen, so I watched it without her. If we do go to the movies we can see something else, or hey, I'm not opposed to seeing Juno still. Ellen Page is fan-freaking-tastic! That's all I got to say about that! I really liked this movie. The dialogue is fabulous! Jason Bateman is so good. And even Jennifer Garner seems to be growing on me. So many good people in this movie. It's this year's Little Miss Sunshine, I think. Interesting soundtrack too. Loved the tunes!

And that's the most I've watched in a good long while. I still have The Wind that Shakes the Barley on tap for my next feeding.

Mood: positive
Drinking: coffee, black, fresh ground, holiday blend, fair trade, organic
Listening To: msn messages arrive
Hair: gaining inches everyday it seems

Ending/Beginning?

Yes, I love Sunday. Anybody who follows my blog knows that, I say it almost every week. Being in Sunday is like being born on the cusp in astrology. It's a weekly identity crises of not quite knowing where you belong. Is it the beginning of the week? Or the end? My Latino art wall calendar clearly shows it as the beginning, the first day of a new week. In my Woman's Agenda for daily planning, Sunday is the last day of the work week. In the Bible God rested on the seventh day, the sabbath, Sunday, obviously the last day of his work week. In school we were taught the days of the week in order beginning with Sunday in both English and French. It seems Sunday is neither here nor there but firmly rooted in both weeks, and I think that's why I love it so much.

I always have a great day on Sunday. It's the only day that always begins with me taking time to indulge myself in my life's simplest pleasures, lingering in bed until well after 9 to sip coffee, have breakfast and watch my favourite television programs on CBC, completely relaxed, not a responsible thought in my head nagging me to do anything. I begin the day with simple indulgences and then I get productive, energetic. This is a day where nobody expects me to do anything, so anything I accomplish is like extra frosting on the week. Sunday is the day I will clean up the kitchen, cook a nice dinner, scrub the bathroom, do loads of laundry, sweep my floors, catch up on tv shows, watch that movie I've been saving for "me" time, clean out my inbox, file things properly, write articles, edit articles, design web pages, and so much more. Throughout the day I will feel relaxed and happy, after all there's no pressure on Sunday to do anything at all, so there's no need to rush, no need to worry, no need to beat myself down with guilt over my ever-growing to-do list. The more I accomplish, the more energy I have, and the more energy I have, the more things I accomplish.

And in this way I end every week on a positive productive note, and I also begin every week with a positive energetic tone. Can there be anything better than that? Sunday belongs to both weeks, so have a great one and begin/end your week on the right footing!

*****

It is Day 13 of a brand new year of focus and wellness. One of my goals for the year is to take 10,000 steps every day. I've been wearing my pedometer, tracking my progress. It's been challenging so far for sure, but yesterday I hit goal for the first time! 10,432 steps total! That's nearly 4 miles, or over 6 kilometres. Yay me! I'm also tracking my creative writing and I have to say it's a lot more challenging. So far I'm staring at big zeros on the word count. It'll come. On the procrastination front, I am excelling. This past week has been one of the most consistently productive weeks I've had in a long time. Great momentum as I head into the final days of putting February BnM to bed. I am looking forward to a visit up home for a Guitar Wars party, and excursions to Fredericton and Moncton once the print mag rests.

Mood: blazing
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: someone's washer/dryer, still haven't taken time to reload tunes
Hair: in limbo

Paradise by the Dashboard Light

Have I mentioned how much I am loving October Road? Love, love, love, that show! Just watched the latest episode at lunchtime.

So yesterday was my first day off detox and I had cereal and bread and coffee and a big ole glass of red wine when I went to my monthly BnM production meeting. The wine went immediately to my head and I felt a little tipsy. That was at 3:30ish yesterday afternoon. This morning I felt like I had a hangover. I still kind of feel like I have a lingering hangover headache. Bizarre! Perhaps I introduced too much too soon. I don't know.

Up early for a Saturday morning (7ish) and went straight to work. BnM is possessing every moment of my time these days. I've already done two interviews today, written a two-page report of yesterday's meeting, walked nearly 5000 steps, watched an hour of television, prepared two meals, connected with a half dozen contributors about various things, and the list goes on. I am focused. Driven. Determined. And out of here for now!

Mood: confident
Drinking: water
Listening To: buddy loping around upstairs
Hair: not on my radar today

Rocking the OJ!

And so ends my foray into the world of detox. SIGH. Don't I feel better now? This morning I had some multi-grain Cheerios and skim milk with my banana/strawberry fruit breakfast staple. And the best part! The absolute freaking best part! . . . I HAD COFFEE! Italian, fair trade, organic, ground myself, only one cup, black. Life is beautiful! I didn't actually know how to make one cup so I ended up making more like two cups, but so as to resist the temptation to have a second cup, I immediately made a mental note of how much to make the next time and dumped the excess down the drain. I am a good girl. I'm also rocking some 100% natural orange juice this morning. Another habit I will continue and bring forward from this detox.

I weighed in this morning and was pleasantly surprised. I hadn't weighed in when I started this a week ago, but I had weighed sometime right before Christmas and was horrified to see the number. I know I put on even more weight after that and throughout the holidays. So I can only guestimate but I know that I lost at least 10 pounds over the last 7 days, perhaps even 15 or more. I am now right back to where I was when I was religiously following SparkPeople, which makes me feel good inside and out!

But the weight is totally bottom of the totem pole in comparison to all the other benefits like increased energy, better sleep, more mentally alert, etc.

So I did detox and it was a little difficult the first few days, but then it smoothed out, and I highly recommend it to anyone who just wants to get their head clear and gain some focus. For me that has been a critical part. A fog lifted off my brain and I just feel all around lighter and clear. I definitely will do this again, perhaps in six months time at the beginning of June. Great way to start the summer! And I mean it's only 7 days. A person can do anything for 7 days.

So in case you want to try this at home, here it is:

General Instructions for the 7-Day Brown Rice Detox:

Sometimes our digestive organs need a break from the many aggravating and toxic foods we put into them. Cleansing our body and digestive tract allows us to function better and to absorb nutrients more efficiently, thus making our bodies stronger and healthier. This diet will give you the nutrition you need while your body cleanses and heals itself. You do not have to go hungry and you do not have to watch your calories, weigh food, or pay attention to the food selection. You can eat whenever you are hungry and as often as you like. Eat until you feel full but not engorged. It is better to have several small meals rather than 3 large ones. Do not drink with your meals as this will dilute your stomach acid and enzymes needed to properly digest your food. Wait about 10-15 minutes before or after eating to have a drink. We suggest you do the cleanse at least twice per year.

What can you eat?

Brown Rice – rinse the rice before cooking, three times or until the water runs clear, add onions, herbs or spices during the last 15-20 minutes of cooking time if you desire.

Vegetables – All kinds of fresh whole vegetables can be eaten (no mushrooms though). Make sure to wash them really well in a solution of water and vinegar (1 part vinegar for every 4 parts water). Vegetables can be eaten raw, steamed or baked. No frozen, canned or jarred vegetables should be eaten, fresh only. Onions are particularly good for cleansing.

Fruits – All kinds of fresh whole fruits may be eaten (no dried fruits). Make sure to wash them very well in the vinegar/water solution. Eat raw fruit only.

Condiments – Fresh garlic, gingerroot, olive oil, lemon, cayenne pepper, cinnamon, oregano, any herb or spice that is a single herb without any salt seasoning.

Beverages – Filtered, distilled or spring water (drink lots and lots of water!), naturally decaf herbal teas, vegetable and fruit juices either freshly made or if they are purchased make sure they are 100% pure juice. Dilute juice half and half with water. Remember to wait 10-15 minutes before and after eating to have a drink.

Other foods – lentils, rice cakes, sesame seeds, chicken, fish, hummus, and tofu.

No shellfish (shrimp, oysters, scallops, clams, lobsters), no caffeine and no alcohol.

What to expect!

Day 1-3 you will be very hungry.

Day 2-3 you may experience headaches, fatigue, aches and pains. This is your body cleansing of toxins. Please do not take any medication or have coffee/tea/cola to suppress the symptoms.

Day 3-4 an increase in energy and decrease in appetite and cravings.

By the end of the week you will see an improvement in skin, digestive problems and mental focus. Pain will be decreased and you will have an overall great sense of well being.

Please come off the cleanse gradually. You will find you are very sensitive to sugar, alcohol, caffeinated beverages, large meals and medications after finishing the cleanse.

Mood: chipper
Drinking: oj
Listening To: the phone ringing in at stacy's house, wakey wakey!
Hair: definitely needing me to either go nuts with the razor again or seek professional help

Sweet Talk

Of course in the computer crash I lost all my music again, except for what's on my mp3 player, so I haven't been really quick to load up again, have taken instead to listening to the radio. Virgin Xtreme is right up my alley with Kate Nash followed by Babyshambles and then The Killers.

Yesterday was a good day! If I could live like I did yesterday everyday then by George you'd see some frigging progress. Yesterday I did a lot of stuff, dealt with a lot of people, handled a lot of different situations as they arose, I worked A LOT! I talked with so many interview subjects and writers yesterday, it makes my head spin. Yet, I still found time to prepare three healthy meals, do two loads of laundry that included changing bedding, do dishes, watch a little George Strombo on tv and get in 5350 steps. It is very true that the more you do, the more you are capable of doing.

Yesterday I was talking to someone about getting up early and I was struck by what he said -- "I feel more successful when I get up early." I hadn't really thought of it that way. I mean I know I feel better about myself, about the day, about life in general when I'm getting up early than when I'm not. But I hadn't thought it out that far. That's it, exactly! I feel more successful when I get up early. And if you start the day successfully, it's so much more motivating and positive than if you sleep late and begin the day feeling like a big old failure. I have completely changed my sleep pattern this last year. From night hawk to morning dove. That, to me, is almost as huge as quitting smoking. Not as difficult to do, mind you, but I think just as huge a deviation from that person I always was.

And now I'm off for another flurry of a day. More people to talk with, more things to edit, lots to write.

Mood: positive
Drinking: peppermint herbal tea, 100% pure orange juice diluted half and half with water
Listening To: Virgin Xtreme, Hot Chip - Ready for the Floor
Hair: growing more and more everyday

Walk Idiot Walk

Only today and tomorrow for detox and I'm done. Feeling pretty good today as well, though I slept in a bit later than 5:30 this morning. It's the fog. Hard to motivate in the grey. I have a theory that optimum sleep for me means 5-7 hours, any less or more and I'm dead knackering myself for the coming day. I will not shake the drowse without drugs. Too much sleep last night. Having a hard time shaking it off. But other than a case of the sleepies, I'm feeling well.

Yesterday was a busy day. Lots of work happening. Spent over an hour on the phone doing an interview. Have 2-3 calls to do today, an interview to pop out for this evening, another telephone interview tomorrow. The columns are starting to flow in so there's lots of editing. Another pub meeting on Friday afternoon. The online version is nagging at the back of my brain, but I know I have to focus on print. I really really really want to put it to bed by the 18th deadline. I'm supposed to go to Fredericton on the 19th. It'll be difficult to take the time if things aren't finished.

I walked downtown yesterday on slippery water over ice sidewalks. The King George Hwy needs some frigging TLC for walkers. Honest to God, it's terrible! The Barnettville Road is less treacherous, no sidewalks and all. I went to Jean Coutu and bought a couple of wall calendars. They're all on sale at half price this week. I got one with angels. The other I hung in my kitchen (where I always put the sark calendar). It's Happy Bunny. For January he's thrown his hands up and declared, "Whatever, you moron." Cracks me up every time I walk by. I went to Sobeys and picked up some chicken and strawberries. But the best score of the day was going to post office and getting my parcel from Amazon with two dvds -- The Wind that Shakes the Barley and Catch & Release. Very different genres, featuring boys I love to love, Cillian Murphy and Timothy Olyphant, throw in some bonus Kevin Smith, and I'm even able to ignore the fact that Jennifer Garner is the main star. (She's just too sweet to be real, don't ya think?) I also got "A Woman's Agenda 2008 celebrating movers & shakers." I needed something to bring my total up in order to be eligible for the free shipping, couldn't think of any more dvds (though I have since thought of lots) so I went looking in books, found this, and thought I'd try it out. It's kinda fabulous!

Oh well, it's a half hour since I drank anything, time to eat something.

Mood: confident
Drinking: nothing, food time
Listening To: virgin radio xtreme (alternative)
Hair: on the back burner for now

Day Five

It's Day Five of Detox, folks, and I feel mighty fine! I mean MIGHTY fine! It occurs to me as I look out my window at the fog and rain that my arthritis should be flaring in this wacky temperature rise. For many years now that's been my reality. But not today. My joints feel great.

I woke at 5:20, got up at 5:30, went to work by 6am. I've worked an hour and a half, got my day planned and on track, fired off some email and now I break to blog and eat breakfast. I would have eaten earlier, but I'm not allowed to eat and drink at the same time. For me this has probably been the most difficult part of the detox process, well you know, once you get past all the pain and lack of caffeine. You're not supposed to drink anything a half hour before and after you eat. That's pretty hard! But liquids dilute your stomach acids making your food more difficult to digest. So I wake up thirsty. I drink water. I have a cup of peppermint tea. Then I must wait a half hour before breakfast. So here we are, going on 8 and I'm having a banana and an apple. I have never eaten so much fruit in all my life! I chop it up into a bowl and eat it like a salad. This seems to work better for me than biting into a whole apple. The bite-sized pieces are more appealing.

Yesterday at the office T asked how much weight I had lost so far. Everyone said my face looked different, thinner. The weight loss aspect is so far removed from why I'm doing this, I hadn't even given it a thought. I feel different, yes. I feel great for sure. But I haven't noticed any difference in the mirror or in my clothes. And I didn't weigh myself before I started. I just wanted to do something safe and healthy to rid my body of nasty chemicals and toxins. Get totally off the caffeine for a bit to give my body a break, and then try not to get right back up to a pot of coffee a day. I wanted to find a plan I could do a couple of times a year. And I think I've found it all right. What a way to start the summer in six months time! And if I shed some pounds in the process, woo-hoo! Bonus! But for me the focus always has to be health, not weight, because if I start focusing on weight I invite all kinds of nasty things into my life. Maintain good health, stay active, and the rest falls in line.

Now I do wish the fog would lift, I have places to go and things to do!

Mood: chipper
Drinking: nothing
Listening To: buddy upstairs readying to leave early for the second morning in a row, think he's got a job, or a New Year's resolution
Hair: still atop my head

Out of Tune

Okay, I think I have a few minutes before I am whisked away to M5 (Mighty Miramichi Monday Morning Meeting for those not in the know). I am on Day 4 of a 7 day brown rice detox program. The first three days were frigging hell, let me tell you! I had a constant migraine and stomach cramps, leg pains, felt like I was freezing. And worst of all I was unable to medicate!! I've just been grinning and bearing it, or actually, going to bed and assuming the fetal. The headache I think I can blame on the lack of caffeine. Other ailments might have little to do with detox and could be related to my cycle (as could the headache partly), arthritis, flu, etc. Certainly my bowels are a tad upset by the sudden addition of all this fruit in my life. Now I get why my niece can't eat all the fruit she wants! But today so far I'm feeling not too shabby. There is a hint of a headache but it hasn't come to light yet. There is the hint of cramps but nothing concrete yet. I'm not feeling tired at all. I have energy. So things are looking up.

In other news, I haven't hit 10,000 steps in the past week but I am tracking the numbers. They're written right on my wall calendar in the office/living/dining room available at a glance for all the world to see. There is no doubt that I do make more of an effort to move when I'm wearing the pedometer than when I'm not. I think I'm averaging about 4500 steps a day this first week. But it's been a bitch of a week really, so I'm not at all discouraged. My high was 7140 on Saturday. Yesterday I dropped back a bit to 5703. Today could be tough as I'm going to the office. It's been difficult anyway because I've been chained to my PC trying to get back control of the situation since the crash.

The writing front suffers severely of course. Last week I only wrote creatively 2 days on Tuesday and Thursday, eeking out a meagre 236 words on a story from a prompt that is probably never going anywhere and about another 400 words on a kids story from prompts the kids gave me. Not too exciting there. No play work at all. So, I need to pay more attention to that part of my life and not let it fall through the cracks as it so often does.

And that's all for now. I need to get ready to leave.

Mood: okay
Drinking: vanilla rooibos herbal tea
Listening To: those strange sounds below
Hair: damp and air drying

Bet You Didn't Know

I'm back! And I bet you didn't even know I was gone! You won't believe what happened to me for New Year's . . . wait for it . . . I blew up another freaking hard drive!!!! No really! I really did! I have lost count of how many that is now, and the last one was only 5 months ago, so I don't know what the hell is going on, but I appear to be Dr. Death to computers. Anyway, if you've been emailing me or wondering why I haven't twittered, blogged, updated my Facebook status or anything else, that is why. I am back now. I will get up to date in time. It would be helpful if you could send me a link to your blog.

Mood: pretty happy actually
Drinking: nothing, i have to be drink free for a half hour before i can eat
Listening To: sadly my music has been ravaged :-(
Hair: clean but messy

New Dawn

Well here we are, that time again. A brand new year. Yesterday I took stock. Today I lay down the new tracks, define my focus for 2008. This year my goals are for my wellness. I've been thinking about it a lot. And I think I've narrowed things down, got to the heart of the matter. There are three key areas to wellness--mind, body and spirit.

Thinking about my mind I could have gone in several different directions, into learning and growth, but for me it all kept coming back to peace of mind, quieting the mind. And when I started to think of ways that I gain peace of mind, the list was huge, keep on top of bnm work, keep on top of housework, keep on top of . . . well everything in my life. When I'm not on top of it, I lose my peace of mind. There's a pattern there.

The body part of my wellness was more obvious and quite easily figured out once I decided which area needed my attention most, but when it came to spirit again I could have went in any number of directions from religion to meditation and many other tangents. So I started thinking about my spirit, about the times when I've felt most centred and connected with the universe and the direction very soon revealed itself to me.

Without further fanfare, here are the things I will do in 2008:

Mind
I will not put off to tomorrow what I can do today. In 2008, my comfortable old friend "procrastination" becomes my worst enemy and I will see to his demise. Everyday I will do it now, whatever it happens to be. Everyday I will do the thing I least like to do, first, whether it's the dishes or making phone calls or working in my least favourite computer program. If I don't like to do it, I will do it first. If it needs doing, I will do it now.

Body
I will wear my pedometer everyday and consistently reach for a goal of 10,000 steps. I will track my progress. I will keep records. By the end of 2008 I will be able to look back at my records and determine exactly how many days I succeeded and how many I let fall by the wayside. I will be able to accurately determine my success rate. I will post those numbers here when I take stock at the end of the year.

Spirit
With or without the support of a writing group, in 2008 I will write fiction. I will create characters and plots and settings and dramas. I will hear strange voices in my head and capture their dialogue. I will write a stage play by spring. I will complete a novel by year's end. I will create consistently, producing new drafts every week. I will take the time to nourish my spirit. I will value my creativity and make room in my life for it to grow.

In the past I've had some very practical point-blank goals about things like paying bills and attending special events, but I think if we look after ourselves, if we pay attention to our wellness, then all the practical things we want to achieve will flow outward from our balanced centre. Unlike past years, this year I also challenged Stacy to write wellness goals for 2008 and post them on her blog. And now, I challenge you. Take some time to think about your wellness, to really think about your mind, body and spirit, to reflect on peace and harmony and happiness in your soul. It's a brand new day, a brand new year, and anything can happen but you set the tone, you lay out the course, you determine the direction. Maybe you want to think about that and write your own wellness goals for yourself in 2008. Maybe you'll even share them on your blog.

Mood: energized
Drinking: coffee (still the last before detox)
Listening To: my mind, body and spirit
Hair: needing a shampoo

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! I spent a quiet evening at home last night watching movies. It was blissful! I watched No Country for Old Men and Atonement.

Why is it that a lot of the award contenders this year seem particularly violent? Like Eastern Promises, very violent.

I enjoyed both the movies, though I kind of had a Sopranos moment at No Country's fade to black. I hadn't really been listening to what Tommy Lee Jones was saying, my mind had wandered, so I feel I should watch the ending again sometime.

I cried after Atonement, but not a lot, it didn't wrench the guts right out of me or anything. I watched it second and by the end it was nearly midnight so then I was like, "Oh great, now I'm all sad and weepy just as the calendar flips."

So I went to bed and watched the last few skits with the Royal Canadian Air Farce's New Year's special, so I was laughing again by the time the countdown started and then sweet Suzie McNeil sang Auld Lang Syne and all was well in the world.

The first Austin Powers movie came on directly after and I watched the first 15 minutes or so before I started to drop off.

So all in all I brought in the year with giggles, smiles and a feeling of contentment. They say whatever you're doing as you bring in the year you will continue to do throughout the coming year (thus my horror at having tears and sadness) so if there's any truth to it then certainly I'll take giggles, smiles and a feeling of contentment any freaking day!

Happy 2008!

Mood: cheerful
Drinking: coffee (the last before detox!)
Listening To: hey hey, my my, neil young
Hair: growing again