Yesterday

Saw a deer on the road, somewhere around McNamee. He came over the bank and looked like he was about to cross. Judy tooted the horn to scare him off in the face of oncoming traffic.

In springtime at the club I would look out the window and not be able to count all the deer in the field. Mornings I would sit on the step and smoke and watch for hours. So peaceful.

When people find out about those years spent in the club and the wild way I lived, they will often say about all the stories I must have accumulated, fodder for fiction. And I'll smile and say yes that's for sure. I saw a lot. I heard a lot. I did a lot. But the truth is I don't seem to have very many stories from then. At least not many I'm ready to tell. When I think back on that time in my life, all I can remember and feel is my overwhelming sadness.

I understand now that I was running. I know why and what from, but understanding hasn't made it any easier to revisit that time in my memory. My sadness is still too much. More distance is needed.

You don't see a lot of good in people when you're behind a bar. People tend to reveal their very worst self. It can shake your whole faith in the human race. My faith was beyond shaken, but trampled into the ground. I doubted whether I would ever get it back. But I have. It's taken time. It's taken surrounding myself with the very best people on the planet. But I have faith again. Good people exist. I spent time with several of them yesterday.

Mood: undecided
Drinking: coffee, instant, with skim
Listening To: just me, reading aloud and yawning
Hair: seriously getting on my nerves