Feeling Good

Michael Buble sings to me . . .


Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good

Mood: feeling good
Drinking: water
Listening To: michael buble
Hair: bed tousled

Kel And the Real Boy

I was really sick last week. Chest cold. Fever. Headache. I went down early Wednesday afternoon and didn't surface until Friday morning. Had not been feeling well for about a week prior. Continued to feel poorly even after getting around. This morning is kind of the first morning that I feel like I can accomplish something in the day. I woke at 5:55. I've been having trouble sleeping through the night because of my sinus problems. Maybe I have a deviated septum. I'm snoring so loud I wake myself up. Sometimes I wake up because I can't breathe, choking on mucus. It kinda sucks. Will a neti pot help sort this out? Will I ever be "normal" again?

So in the lead up to Oscar, and having been feeling poorly and listless, I've been watching movies like a person getting paid to watch movies. I need to see Michael Clayton and Sweeney Todd still in order to accomplish my goal of seeing all the big Oscar buzz films before the awards night. But I haven't just been watching nominated pictures, I've been watching a little bit of everything. Recently I've watched:

30 Days of Night - Yes, I crush on Josh Hartnett, which makes me a little bias, and though the vampires are a whole lot less sexy than the ones I normally enjoy, I liked this movie. The concept of vampires descending upon an Alaskan town when they're in their month without sunshine is simple and brilliant. Why didn't anyone think of that before? Why didn't I think of that?! Yes, the vampires are butt ugly and the look of the film is necessarily dark and dull given that it takes place without sun in winter in Alaska and the story is predictable in that whole "Night of the Living Dead" kind of way, but nevertheless I enjoyed watching this. I think if you like vampire movies in general, you'll like this one.

Feast of Love - I love Greg Kinnear! I mean I really love him. Who would have thunk back in the days of TalkSoup that the man could act? He's so good at being the completely oblivious self-absorbed average everyday Joe. I didn't have high expectations going into this movie, maybe that helps, I dunno, but it touched me, and got me thinking about life and love and family, and I cried toward the end. But don't movies with Morgan Freeman always make you cry a bit? Make time to see this one.

In the Valley of Elah - Paul Haggis' contribution this year didn't get him an Academy nod but Tommy Lee Jones is up for Best Actor. Impressive cast in this one, including Susan Sarandon, Charlize Theron, Josh Brolin, Jason Patric, and James Franco. It's based upon a true story of a soldier who disappeared after returning from a tour of duty in Iraq. I'm at a bit of a loss for what to say about this one. Paul Haggis has this subtle way of delving into complex human issues that isn't over the top and in your face but yet you can't help but see it for what it is. He lays facts bare without adding judgment. This isn't an anti-war film, but it will get you thinking about war in a way that maybe you haven't before. If you enjoyed Crash, then you'll want to see this one, if you didn't then maybe this one isn't for you either.

Redacted - Brian De Palma's take on the war in Iraq is another kettle of fish all together. Controversial to say the least, this will definitely not be for everyone. The film is put together like a documentary montage of footage shot by soldiers and various news media. Lots of hand held scenes, security video footage, etc. The story is about American soldiers raping and killing a 14-year-old Iraqi girl. It's very real and disturbing. I think it's courageous and necessary.

Rendition - Ok, so it seems like I'm watching nothing but war movies, but hey, maybe there are just a whole lot more war movies out there these days. And this one is not really about the war, but more about terrorism. I kinda wanted to see this one just to see if Reese and Jake had any obvious chemistry. But unfortunately they don't share a single scene together so who knows how they even managed to meet during the filming of this. I don't know why, but I had absolutely zero expectation for this movie. But it's really a good movie, surprisingly. Meryl Streep is an absolutely bone-chilling bitch in this one. Worth watching just to see her performance. I haven't been a big Jake Gyllenhaal fan up til now, but he kind of won me over in this one. And I love Reese Witherspoon no matter what she does. In this movie she's married to an Egyptian man who gets on a flight from North Africa to come home to his family after a business trip and never arrives at the gate. It's engaging and there are some plot twists I didn't see coming. It's another one that leaves you thinking about the state of the world right now. Kinda heavy. But I thought it was definitely worth seeing.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford - I've wanted to see this one for a long time now. Brad Pitt as Jesse James, can there be any better fit?! Nah! But when Oscar nods came down and Casey Affleck was nominated for Best Supporting Actor, I admit I was a bit . . . skeptical and stunned. Casey Affleck? C'mon! You've got to be kidding! I mean big brother Ben has moments of brilliance but I've not seen anything in Casey to indicate anything other than a kid getting a free ride on his sibling's coat tails . . . until now! Oh my freaking God! The Best Supporting Actor category is tough this year, but Casey Affleck totally deserves the nod from the Academy. See this movie! I think he's brilliant. Now if you're into the western genre and looking for a shoot-em-up outlaw type flick, this one's not gonna do it for you. I didn't know much about how Jesse James came to meet his final demise, and that's what this story's about. It's interesting. It's sad. It's the kind of movie that propels me immediately into action as soon as the final credits roll, Googling everything I can find on the James Gang and Robert Ford. If you like those kinds of movies, then you'll love this one.

The Heartbreak Kid - So after all that drama a girl needs to chill and have a laugh, so who does she turn to? The Farrelly Brothers of course! I don't know that they'll ever be able to top There's Something About Mary, but they never seem to blow it completely for me, so watching one of their movies isn't much of a risk. I pretty much know going in what I'm going to get and this one was no exception. Ben Stiller is a guy afraid to commit who goes a little freaky after attending the wedding of his ex on Valentine's Day and pretty much marries the first single girl he meets. I enjoy Ben Stiller! And real life dad, Jerry, plays his father in the movie, which is like a double whammy for me. I enjoy Jerry Stiller! I don't know if this was one of those movies where you saw all the funny parts in the previews or not, because I don't watch much traditional tv with commercials, so I hadn't seen any of the funny parts. And there were some funny parts. This is a great movie to watch when you just want to kick back with a glass of wine and giggle without having to think.

Rambo - Yes, I voluntarily subjected myself to this movie. Not only that, but I sought it out, I chose it over an endless quantity of movies I could have watched instead. You see, back in the days of First Blood I was a big fan of the John Rambo franchise. I had the Rambo video game and spent entire months of my lifetime being John Rambo and trying to free POWs. So when Sly said he was making another one, I was so on board with that! Rambo is still the strong silent cool guy. He's too old for the girl, which kind of surprised me but at the same time props to Sly for that. The plot is . . . well, you know, the same plot as all the others--Rambo goes behind enemy lines to perform a daring rescue as only he can do. There's a lot of action in this one. A lot! I very much would like to see the earlier ones now to see if they relied so heavily on action scenes or if there was more going on. So it wasn't great, I wasn't as pleasantly surprised as I was by the most recent John McClane excursion, but by the end I was satisfied that Rambo had moved on and now so could I.

10 MPH - By accident I stumbled onto this documentary film about two guys who quit corporate America to live their dream of becoming film-makers and decide to experience the USA unlike anyone else before by crossing the country on a Segway riding from Seattle to Boston. What a neat little movie! It's so inspiring to see how strangers welcome and help them. The road is not easy. They max out their credit cards, cash in all their retirement savings, it takes everything they have in order to complete the journey. They sacrifice everything to realize their dream. Able only to go 10 mph, they cross the country on roads not normally traversed by coast to coast travellers. They pass through towns that are normally by-passed by the interstate highways. They ride through some of the roughest neighborhoods America's cities have to offer. And they find that people are people no matter where they live. I have no idea whether you can see this movie anywhere but online, but if it pops up on the Independent Film Channel or in a theatre near you or if you watch things online like I do, then give this one a look. It's all about slowing down and doing what's important to you. And that's a message I can't hear enough.

Meet Market - This is one of those direct-to-dvd releases I think. If not, it probably should be. The plot centres around lonely LA singles hooking up in their local grocery store. Well, I'll say this for it, it's not Cameron Crowe's Singles, which I love, love, love! No, this one is nothing like that one. Why not just skip this one all together and instead once again bask in the brilliance that is Cameron Crowe. "Meet Market" is worth watching if you catch it as the late, late show on a Sunday night when you're in the grips of insomnia and you know you have to get up early for a Monday breakfast meeting. Yep, it'll help you get to sleep!

Cold Heart Canyon - Wow! I don't even know how I started watching this and why I continued watching through the end. I was sick. I was weak. It took more effort to get off the couch and turn it off than it did to lie and watch it. This is a terrible movie. I think it suffers from an identity crises. The movie wasn't sure whether it wanted to be a Harlequin Presents featurette, a psycho-thriller, or a porno. And there are all these flashback moments and extended scenes that have absolutely no bearing on the movie, you gotta wonder what's going on. For some reason the film maker needed to add time to the movie? I dunno. If you stumble across this one in a discount bin, do not pick it up, stumble right on past.

Things We Lost in the Fire - David Duchoveny, Halle Berry, and Benicio Del Toro. Need I say more. That's pretty much all the ingredients I need for a recipe of movie I will enjoy. Halle is the recent widow of David who invites the former heroin addict best friend Benicio to move in with her and her two kids. To be completely honest, I haven't watched the whole thing yet. Not because I'm not drawn into the story, but because I experienced technical difficulties. I watched about 3/4 of the movie though and I liked it. Unless the ending screws up the whole thing for me, which I can't conceive that it will, I give this one the thumbs up. It's another that gives me pause and makes me think. What if?

Lars and the Real Girl - And in the tradition of saving the best for last, I've saved the best for last. Run, don't walk, and see this movie! I cannot imagine why this movie was only nominated for one Oscar (Best Original Screenplay). Robbed!! This was one of the most unique and entertaining movies I've seen in a very long time. Ryan Gosling is absolutely brilliant and I think should have been nominated for Best Actor as Lars, a delusional young man who buys a sex doll on the Internet and brings her home as his girlfriend. I laughed out loud. I edged closer to the screen. And yes, I even shed tears, as I watched this. It's quirky, yet realistic, and it's got a lot of heart. This is one of the best movies of 2007. Hands down. If you haven't seen it, you're gonna love it!

Wow! I sure can watch a lot of movies in a couple of days when I decide to spend all my time doing nothing but watching movies. Huh? And as for me and the real boy, we'll have to wait and see.

Mood: filmy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: electrical appliance humming
Hair: cropped

Have You Noticed?

Have you noticed my blogging has tapered? It's not quite a trickle, but definitely not a raging river. I think this is indicative of me battling with procrastination, doing things as they come up, going to bed early, maintaining focus on work. There's not a lot of time to blog. I'm starting to get a little concerned that it's not humanly possible for me to do all that I'm supposed to be doing. I always believed if I maintained focus and became more productive that I could do everything. But as I step things up and get really productive and still don't see the top of the mound within reach, doubt begins to creep in. Maybe I've bit off more than I can chew. Maybe. I'm not stressing about it though. I'm more curious than anything. Curious to see what I can accomplish versus what I "thought" I could accomplish. I'm certain there is a difference between my mind's musings and the real deal. It remains to be seen how large a gap and in which way it runs. It's already February 6th! Unbelievable! 2008 is just charging along.

Mood: contemplative
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: a dripping tap
Hair: unkempt and short

Month in Review

I'm back after spending the weekend with the family. I watched many movies, slept a lot, cuddled much with my baby boy. It was a pretty good weekend. Feeling rested, relaxed, rejuvenated, raring to go!

A new month began on Friday so I thought I'd take a few minutes to check in on my goal progress so far this year. No sense waiting until the end of the year and then trying to get on track at the last minute. It's good to see how I'm doing and understand where I need improvement.

If you forget what my goals are you can read them again here. I don't really have any way to track procrastination other than by my lists in my day planner and of course, it's only been a month so it's all fresh in my memory at this point anyway. In January I was strong and focused, on top of the procrastination situation, every week consistently except for one little relapse mid-month that lasted about 3-5 days, brought on by a bit of an emotional crises (I didn't just get lazy). The thing I noticed during this relapse was that even though I lost focus, I was still getting some stuff done. Everything didn't go by the wayside, only some things. To me this shows progress, that the world didn't come to a complete stop. Also my bounce-back was quite good, speedy and total, which impressed me. This might only make sense to people prone to falling into depression. One major accomplishment this month was the cleaning out and organizing of all the files in my email. Every day I dealt with email as it dropped in, never keeping any email until the next day. Then I took time here and there and started going through the build-up, dealing with it, filing it in My Documents where it automatically gets backed up to the server, or scheduling it into my calendar with a reminder that automatically gets sent to me when I need to perform a follow-up action. I started this New Year post-PC-Crash with close to 6000 email messages in my inbox and another 100 or so in email folders. Many of the 6000 had been dealt with already, but they were in the back-up, so they came back. Regardless I still had to look at them and see if I had dealt with them before I deleted them again, so it wasn't a small job. Today, I have 29 items in my inbox, none in other files. And there would have been less than 29 had I not just arrived back from a weekend away without checking email. This is definitely progress.

On the walking front, I wore my pedometer everyday in January and wrote down my steps at the end of each day so I would have a record. There were good days, and there were terrible days. I only got over 10,000 steps on three days. I averaged 5107 steps per day. This is actually what average people average on a daily basis without trying. So for me that's progress. I've gone from a sod to average joe. My average when I'm not paying attention drops drastically because so much of my day is spent on my butt in front of a computer screen. It's good to have the data though, very helpful.

On the creative writing front, I need to do some work. Yes, I tracked my word count. I wrote down zero upon zero upon zero day after day after day . . . But I did write a few days and by write I don't mean blogging and I don't mean bnm work stories or essays or anything else. By writing I mean completely creative for no other reason than it makes me happy fictional writing. I shudder to think how many words I write a day when you factor in all that other crap, but when it comes to my own personal creative writing I averaged 131 words per day, which I gotta say is 131 more words per day than all of last year, so it's a beginning.

And with that, I'm declaring January 2008 a raging success! Onward into February!

Mood: giddy
Drinking: nothing at the moment
Listening To: the door slamming downstairs
Hair: spiky

Half 'n Half

My dreams are gonna be the death of me. The past week has been nuts. Really nuts. I wake every few minutes thinking surely it's time to get up now, after I've just had a super long dream. I look at the clock and can't believe it's only 5 or 10 minutes since the last time I looked. If I'm really lucky 20 minutes will have gone by. I mean who gets into dream sleep so quickly!? Most of the time I'm in some half 'n half state, still here, but also there. It makes for one freaking long exhausting night I tell you. I lie there singing, "The night's too long, it just drags on and on, and then there's never enough, that's when the sun starts coming up . . ."

My dreams are all over the place. Some make me laugh, others make me sad, some are puzzling, and some frustrate the crap out of me. Luckily none have been too frightening. It's exhausting just having the dreams, but having nightmares on top of it would be too much. So I've been feeling a little out of it, a tad foggy in the brain. Still getting stuff done though.

Going up home this weekend. Spend some time with the pooch, maybe play some guitar warz, see the kids, watch a movie, get away from the computer and everyday life. Haven't been up since Christmas and it could be awhile before I can take time again. Lots on the go! Lots of new things coming into my life on all fronts--work, personal, and creatively. So far 2008 is a proving to be a pretty fantastic year for Kellie!

Mood: a little worn and worse for wear
Drinking: oj and instant coffee, cuz i'm too lazy to clean out the coffee maker
Listening To: No Love Lost, Joy Division
Hair: seeking professional help

Latest Headlines

Yesterday I broke down and vacuumed. I actually don't mind vacuuming, it's sweeping that every strand of my DNA opposes. The only reason I don't vacuum more often (like every second day) is because I only have carpet in the bedrooms and it likely scratches my floor more than cleans. Also I understand how thin the floors and ceilings are, that my vacuuming sound might as well be in my neighbour's apartments, above and below. Still, every now and again I vacuum. And sometimes I force myself to sweep. Other than crumbs inadvertently being swept from the counter to the floor in the kitchen, my floors don't really get that dirty. Dust bunnies tend to grow, but not much by way of sand or dirt. So yesterday as I was vacuuming, hoping I wasn't interrupting anyone's nap or drowning out their television program, I thought to myself there has to be a better way. There must be a way I can continue this gliding across the floor motion to pick up the dust bunnies in a non-motorized more ear-friendly fashion. And suddenly an image of my mother swiffing her living room popped into my head. Eureka! I need a Swiffer!

I immediately called my mother to see if anyone was coming into town shopping. Because it's been really cold. Because a Swiffer is kind of long and awkward to carry from downtown to my apartment. Because secretly I also wanted to look around for a bookcase. She told me my sister and brother-in-law were coming into town but to pick up pellets for their stove, so they would be removing all but essential seating from their van. Oh well, I shrugged. I'll just add it to my list.

Lucky for me (not so lucky for them) the pellets were sold out so they didn't remove their seats and came to pick me up instead. I came home armed with the Dollar Store version of the Swiffer, which I'm told is just as good as the brand name. We shall see how it works out. I couldn't find any bookcases that I loved, which was kind of depressing considering I looked at Renaud's, Kent's, Zellers and Wal-Mart. There are not a whole lot of places left on the river to buy such an item. Perhaps Staples? Lounsbury's? Canadian Tire? Home Hardware? Bargain Giant? Okay, maybe there are still a lot of places left to look.

I bought some cheapo dvds at Zellers and when I got home, after I had supper, I pretty much just got into my jammies and went to bed with dvds. Watched one, which totally awakened that urge to go to Italy. Started to watch another but was too tired to keep my eyes opened. Fell asleep shortly after 11, woke up at about a quarter to five. It was frigging cold in the room, took me until around 6 before I could convince myself to get out from under the warm covers.

Last night I dreamed we were having a party on the shore out by Howard's field. There used to be a lane that went out, not the lane to Howard's trailer, but another one down below that the sports would use to get out to their trailers. Not sure if it's still there or not. In the dream it was overgrown with switch grass. It was late summer, kind of damp and cold, coming on dark. Me, Stacy and Carol were walking out to meet everyone for a party. It got dark as we were going out the overgrown lane. We could hear a car slow down and turn into the lane, see the headlights, so we jumped off to the side so the vehicle wouldn't accidentally run us over in this tall grass. It was Jenn and Jason in their van. They couldn't see us as they drove past. We came back out on the road and kept going down the hill, then another vehicle came and we went off into the woods. This time it was Gary, Sherry and kids in an extended cab half-ton (not Dad's, but navy coloured). Gary had his window down so I think we must have sung out to him because for some reason they noticed us and stopped where Jen and Jason hadn't. The three of us climbed onto the back and road out to the party.

At the shore there was a spot about the size of a queen-sized bed where the long grass had been flattened. This was at the edge of a small drop (maybe 4-5 feet) right into the water. The water was high, dirty and rushing like there had been a lot of rain. I was terrified of the girls falling in. Jenn and Jason weren't out there, we were the first to arrive. Gary put on a small fire in the centre and we all sat pretty much on top of one another as we opened drinks. I drank wine in a long-stemmed glass. We were chattering and talking and the kids were bored because it was like a party you'd go to when you were a teenager. There were no wienies to roast, no marshmallows. We had nothing for the kids. Gary was getting upset. Because his girls were getting upset. Because the space was so small. Because we were all drinking and chattering about silly gossipy stuff like we hadn't a care in the world. Finally, he threw up his hands and lit into us, "You're not seriously going to sit here all night and drink like this are you?!" Etc. Etc. And the more he ranted, the more he paced in our little area. Sherry didn't seem to understand why he was upset. She was all like, "Oh my God, have I done something? Are you mad at me? What's going on?" I could see Stacy and Carol rolling their eyes at one another as if to say, "Men! They just look for any excuse to ruin a good time!" I was watching Gary pace and saying, "Be careful of the edge. Be careful. You're gonna fall in." But nobody seemed to even hear me.

Sure enough he stepped back too far and dropped into the water. He didn't fall down, but kept his footing, though the water was up to his thighs. Then everyone laughed, including him, and we decided maybe we'd rather go to their house and hang out instead.

And such is the way of dreams.

Mood: giddy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: snowmobiles on the river
Hair: needing something, but I'm not sure what

Uptown Girl

Parts of the internet seem slow and unwieldy today, mostly related to email but I've noticed a few websites I frequently visit have disappeared altogether in the overnight. Not sure what's going on.

Had a pretty good day yesterday. Got over 10,000 steps, wrote almost 250 words on personal creative writing unrelated to BnM, did two loads of laundry, did all the dishes, got to watch an episode of Nip/Tuck and Coronation Street, nailed down things for April WFNB weekend, stayed up all night until 5 this morning working on the BnM stuff, slept a few hours without too many crazy dreams (still crazy, but no Dr. Phil or Vietnamese hitmen, so I was thankful), am up and at 'em having enjoyed coffee and pancakes, sun hanging in the sky, and I'm happy.

Rolling right online.

Mood: productive
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: everlong, foo fighters (acoustic)
Hair: greasy

All You Need is Love

Having a crazy full moon week. Not very frigging productive, I gotta say. Dr Phil celebrity guest starred in one of last night's dreams. Just when I needed him! It was an odd sort of dream. I had been chosen to participate in some sort of an intelligence contest, like an IQ thing. Sherry had also been chosen from our school, along with about four other kids. We were whisked away to someplace way up the Howard Road to be sequestered until the competition. Dr. Phil seemed to not like me much. His favourite was clearly the little girl with the blonde hair. I was very near disqualified for doing something not just so, but since the little girl with the blonde hair had committed the same faux pas, he couldn't very well kick me out and keep her in. So we went to the school gymnasium to begin this competition and I waited for the rules to be explained to me, but somehow I wasn't told what I was supposed to do. A display of playing cards and designer bags was put in front of us and everyone immediately went to work solving the puzzle. I had no clue! And I was pretty pissed about it, complaining to Dr. Phil, who just smiled smugly and said, "How's that working for ya?" I could see Mom in the crowd, cheering us on, mouthing at me to step up and do something. The others were shifting cards and grabbing purses, opening them to find prizes inside. Sherry had jewelry, some of the boys had collected gift cards from Rogers Video, and the little blonde haired girl had a rhinestone tiara and cash totaling over a hundred dollars. I was flabbergasted, so angry that nobody would tell me how to play this game, what the rules were. Then I woke up, thankfully.

The rest of the night was spent running around downtown Toronto trying to escape from two Vietnamese hitmen. The dream lasted for hours and hours, through multiple wakings. Through movie theatres and restaurants, on the PATH, on the street, in highrise buildings. I had a little dog with me, a little brown fuzzy that I could carry in my arms. It was exhausting trying to get out of the Eaton Centre and out of the downtown. I couldn't believe how difficult it was to lose these guys. Finally I ran down the stairs into the subway at Queen, the train was just coming in heading south. I thought for a split second that maybe I could get on, get to union, grab a train. I could hear footsteps running down the steps. Instead of getting on the train, I hid in a garbage bin. The men ran down just as the train pulled out and they radioed their accomplices that I was on my way south, probably to union. Then they got on the next train to union, and I emerged from the garbage bin and headed north to Bloor.

This is the kind of weird stuff the full moon does to me.

Mood: sleepy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: End of the Innocence, Bruce Hornsby
Hair: neglected and forgotten

Yesterday

Saw a deer on the road, somewhere around McNamee. He came over the bank and looked like he was about to cross. Judy tooted the horn to scare him off in the face of oncoming traffic.

In springtime at the club I would look out the window and not be able to count all the deer in the field. Mornings I would sit on the step and smoke and watch for hours. So peaceful.

When people find out about those years spent in the club and the wild way I lived, they will often say about all the stories I must have accumulated, fodder for fiction. And I'll smile and say yes that's for sure. I saw a lot. I heard a lot. I did a lot. But the truth is I don't seem to have very many stories from then. At least not many I'm ready to tell. When I think back on that time in my life, all I can remember and feel is my overwhelming sadness.

I understand now that I was running. I know why and what from, but understanding hasn't made it any easier to revisit that time in my memory. My sadness is still too much. More distance is needed.

You don't see a lot of good in people when you're behind a bar. People tend to reveal their very worst self. It can shake your whole faith in the human race. My faith was beyond shaken, but trampled into the ground. I doubted whether I would ever get it back. But I have. It's taken time. It's taken surrounding myself with the very best people on the planet. But I have faith again. Good people exist. I spent time with several of them yesterday.

Mood: undecided
Drinking: coffee, instant, with skim
Listening To: just me, reading aloud and yawning
Hair: seriously getting on my nerves

Road Trip

Heading to Fredville in the a.m. for official WFNB business. Had planned to leave today, wine all night, but plans snowed out. Oh well, hopefully in the morning travel will be easier. Moonlight overhead now. Fluffy clouds in shadow. Steady stream of traffic crossing the bridges. Snowmobiles breaking trails on snowy river ice. Buddy takes his dog out next door. Dog loves the snow, runs round and round circling the back yard, plowing through the drifts. Playful. Last night I dreamed I had to put Nick to sleep. He was sick. Mom insists soon enough this will be true.

Mood: jittery
Drinking: water
Listening To: socializing happening below
Hair: getting too long and thick

Ordinary

Every once in awhile I remember that morning. I'm not sure why. Maybe the memory is triggered by a smell or a light, a temperature or a sound. Maybe it only happens when I'm hungry or sleepy or both. All I know is that every now and again that morning pops into the top slot of my brain and I find myself back there not understanding why I've been summoned. It wasn't an unusual morning. Nothing particularly exciting happened. It was just an ordinary day, like so many other ordinary days that never demand my memory's attention. A day like hundreds of others. Yet for some reason I remember it.

A few of us stayed at the club after closing. We listened to music, played pool, bullshitted and drank until morning. Late spring/early summer, maybe May or June. The sun was fierce slicing through layers of dust and cigarette smoke drifting round the rafters. We laughed so hard our cheeks hurt, each word out of our mouths adding to the running joke. We drank everything I had and were waiting for the liquor store to open. It opened early, 7 or 8 a.m. I drove the truck out the road, four in the cab, because I appeared to be the most sober. Me, the girl with no license, always the soberest of the drunken drivers. It was me also who would go into the store and buy the liquor. Because I was the most sober. Because I had money. Because I was the one who shopped for liquor on a daily basis, filling big orders to stock the bar. Because he wouldn't feel right about it, if I didn't do it myself.

I remember walking into the Metro. It was quiet. We'd missed the early work crowd, arrived before the nine-to-fivers. One girl behind the counter. One customer playing the machines. It was cool in the store, the sun hadn't come around to the big windows yet, the lights weren't turned on. In the liquor store part the lights burned bright and the gush of the cooler seemed deafening. The girl behind the counter followed me round while I grabbed a case of beer, some rye and Coke. "How are you, Kel?" Meaningless chit-chat about last night's non-existent customers, weekend plans, the weather, idle gossip. Always the same thing. Only I thought it was odd for me to be doing this kind of shopping on a weekday morning, and I did it all the time.

Boots clacking along the pavement, I remember exactly what I was wearing as I carried the provisions and loaded them on the back of the truck. Blue jeans faded nearly white, black cowboy boots, black belt, shirt tucked in, sleeves rolled up to my elbows, jean jacket over top of everything because of dampness in the morning air. One of the guys bailed while I was in the store, walked home. The owner of the truck decided he's sober enough now to drive. I squeeze in between the two burly men and straddle the hump in the middle, while he drives to the other guys house where we'll drink the rest of the liquor.

The house is just off the beaten path a bit. No visible neighbors. No view to speak of, back off the road, not close to the river. The sun higher and hotter in the sky. He has a pool table downstairs and we try to get a game going but nobody's into it. We sit outside on the deck listening to the birds and the bees and Led Zeppelin streaming out the patio doors from the stereo inside. I shed my jacket as it's too hot. Conversation lulls. They smoke a joint. I have many vices, but smoking joints is not one of them. First one and then the other excuses himself to the bathroom and doesn't return. Their snores soon mingle with the music. One guy crashed in his own bed upstairs. The other downstairs on the leather couch beside the pool table. I'm welcome to sleep too, I'll be safe here, but I can't. I take so many drugs to stay awake that sleep seldom comes. My heart races in my chest. My mouth goes dry. My ears ring. My hair stands on end. My hands and legs fidget. My eyes turn glossy. My pupils dilate. But my lids rarely close.

There's something unnatural about seeing day when you haven't slept, when you've been drinking for a long time, but you're not drunk. The world is brighter, brassier, louder. You notice tiny cracks in things that normally you would pass by without a glance. You wonder about blades of grass and dragonflies. You ponder dandelions and swallows. I sit on the deck all by myself, drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, growing increasingly more hot as the sun comes around and late morning turns to afternoon. After a couple of hours I decide I can't stay there, my skin is too fair, and like the vampire that I am I retreat into the dark coolness of the basement. He's still asleep on the leather sofa. In the bathroom I spend 15 minutes studying the red blotches on my face and wondering whether I've really sunburned or if it's just the wrong side of the day for me. I wander around the basement poking through musty old boxes, flipping pages in photo albums, reading random passages in books, playing records, smoking and drinking beer.

Late in the afternoon his eyes open and he asks what time it is, how long he's been out. It's after 4, I tell him. About time for me to make a decision. Will I go home to shower and change before I open the club at 7. Will I go to his house, shower, put on some of my same clothes, borrow some of his, and go without make-up or hair. Will we wake buddy up, see if he wants to come with us. Will I call home and see if somebody else can open for me tonight. Will I just say screw it and not open at all.

We decide together. We'll let him sleep. We'll both go home. We'll see each other later after I open.

I arrive home right at supper time. I don't eat but have a cup of tea and smoke while I catch up with my mom about who was around last night, where I've been all day. I lay down for 20 minutes. It feels like a lifetime. Then I shower, do my hair and make-up. I have more tea while I sit in my house coat, looking in the mirror at myself as I get ready. Another pair of jeans, another top tucked in with the same black belt, the same black cowboy boots. I sling my jean jacket over my shoulder, grab my money bag and I'm off.

The sun is setting as we arrive at the club. I unlock the door. Raise the bar window. Put the cash in the register. Load the coolers with the liquor order we picked up along the way. I feed loonies to the jukebox and select my favourite songs. I grab a beer, twist the top and wash down two more pills as I settle onto my stool for another work night. I sit there for an hour before the door opens and someone comes in to save me from my loneliness. I serve. We chat. He tips.

Much later, after I turn off most of the lights and flip the sign to closed, a few of us will linger, drinking and bullshitting until dawn.

Mood: nostalgic
Drinking: chocolate chai tea
Listening To: refrigerator grumble
Hair: out of sight, out of mine

Mapping the Muse

Did I mention I watched some good movies on the weekend? Saturday was pretty much a full work day, but Saturday evening and the better part of Sunday I took some time off to nourish my soul and chill with some flicks. I finally watched 3:10 to Yuma, Across the Universe and Juno.

When Seth Bullock rode into Deadwood, South Dakota, I realized I am a fan of the western. It was a shock. My dad's a buff, big fan of the old spaghetti-western, anything with Clint Eastwood, and I grew up with these movies, believing I loathed the genre. As it turns out, not so. I actually enjoy the wild west with its honourable gentlemen, outlaws, renegades, saloons, proper ladies and not so proper ladies. I like a good western. My dad saw 3:10 to Yuma before me and declared that it wasn't bad, but not what you'd think. I wasn't sure what that meant. I understand now. Dad likes his westerns uncomplicated with good guys in white stetsons, bad guys in black, plain and simple so you know what to expect. On the other hand, I appreciate more complicated characters and plots. And in 3:10 to Yuma the lines between good guys and bad guys blur. You're not quite sure what to expect, whether good will win out in the end. It's a good movie. I don't often enjoy Russell Crowe, but I liked him here. And I always forget how much I enjoy Christian Bale until I see him in something new. I laughed, I cried, I sat on the edge of my seat. Worth seeing if you haven't already.

I can't say too much about Across the Universe, lest I accidentally leak spoilers and my musical/Beatles obsessed sister who hasn't seen the movie yet reads this post. Across the Universe never played at our local theatre. I so wish it had! It must be absolutely gorgeous on the big screen. This is one of the most visually compelling films I have seen in a long time. With the Beatles catalogue for sounds, you know you're going to be tapping your foot and singing along, which makes for a good time. There were moments when the hair stood up on the back of my neck and I got goosebumps all over my arms. I loved this movie and will buy the dvd so I can watch it repeatedly.

Juno is playing this week at our local theatre. Stacy and I had talked of going but with all the snowstorms in the forecast and happening right now, it's not gonna happen, so I watched it without her. If we do go to the movies we can see something else, or hey, I'm not opposed to seeing Juno still. Ellen Page is fan-freaking-tastic! That's all I got to say about that! I really liked this movie. The dialogue is fabulous! Jason Bateman is so good. And even Jennifer Garner seems to be growing on me. So many good people in this movie. It's this year's Little Miss Sunshine, I think. Interesting soundtrack too. Loved the tunes!

And that's the most I've watched in a good long while. I still have The Wind that Shakes the Barley on tap for my next feeding.

Mood: positive
Drinking: coffee, black, fresh ground, holiday blend, fair trade, organic
Listening To: msn messages arrive
Hair: gaining inches everyday it seems

Ending/Beginning?

Yes, I love Sunday. Anybody who follows my blog knows that, I say it almost every week. Being in Sunday is like being born on the cusp in astrology. It's a weekly identity crises of not quite knowing where you belong. Is it the beginning of the week? Or the end? My Latino art wall calendar clearly shows it as the beginning, the first day of a new week. In my Woman's Agenda for daily planning, Sunday is the last day of the work week. In the Bible God rested on the seventh day, the sabbath, Sunday, obviously the last day of his work week. In school we were taught the days of the week in order beginning with Sunday in both English and French. It seems Sunday is neither here nor there but firmly rooted in both weeks, and I think that's why I love it so much.

I always have a great day on Sunday. It's the only day that always begins with me taking time to indulge myself in my life's simplest pleasures, lingering in bed until well after 9 to sip coffee, have breakfast and watch my favourite television programs on CBC, completely relaxed, not a responsible thought in my head nagging me to do anything. I begin the day with simple indulgences and then I get productive, energetic. This is a day where nobody expects me to do anything, so anything I accomplish is like extra frosting on the week. Sunday is the day I will clean up the kitchen, cook a nice dinner, scrub the bathroom, do loads of laundry, sweep my floors, catch up on tv shows, watch that movie I've been saving for "me" time, clean out my inbox, file things properly, write articles, edit articles, design web pages, and so much more. Throughout the day I will feel relaxed and happy, after all there's no pressure on Sunday to do anything at all, so there's no need to rush, no need to worry, no need to beat myself down with guilt over my ever-growing to-do list. The more I accomplish, the more energy I have, and the more energy I have, the more things I accomplish.

And in this way I end every week on a positive productive note, and I also begin every week with a positive energetic tone. Can there be anything better than that? Sunday belongs to both weeks, so have a great one and begin/end your week on the right footing!

*****

It is Day 13 of a brand new year of focus and wellness. One of my goals for the year is to take 10,000 steps every day. I've been wearing my pedometer, tracking my progress. It's been challenging so far for sure, but yesterday I hit goal for the first time! 10,432 steps total! That's nearly 4 miles, or over 6 kilometres. Yay me! I'm also tracking my creative writing and I have to say it's a lot more challenging. So far I'm staring at big zeros on the word count. It'll come. On the procrastination front, I am excelling. This past week has been one of the most consistently productive weeks I've had in a long time. Great momentum as I head into the final days of putting February BnM to bed. I am looking forward to a visit up home for a Guitar Wars party, and excursions to Fredericton and Moncton once the print mag rests.

Mood: blazing
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: someone's washer/dryer, still haven't taken time to reload tunes
Hair: in limbo

Paradise by the Dashboard Light

Have I mentioned how much I am loving October Road? Love, love, love, that show! Just watched the latest episode at lunchtime.

So yesterday was my first day off detox and I had cereal and bread and coffee and a big ole glass of red wine when I went to my monthly BnM production meeting. The wine went immediately to my head and I felt a little tipsy. That was at 3:30ish yesterday afternoon. This morning I felt like I had a hangover. I still kind of feel like I have a lingering hangover headache. Bizarre! Perhaps I introduced too much too soon. I don't know.

Up early for a Saturday morning (7ish) and went straight to work. BnM is possessing every moment of my time these days. I've already done two interviews today, written a two-page report of yesterday's meeting, walked nearly 5000 steps, watched an hour of television, prepared two meals, connected with a half dozen contributors about various things, and the list goes on. I am focused. Driven. Determined. And out of here for now!

Mood: confident
Drinking: water
Listening To: buddy loping around upstairs
Hair: not on my radar today

Rocking the OJ!

And so ends my foray into the world of detox. SIGH. Don't I feel better now? This morning I had some multi-grain Cheerios and skim milk with my banana/strawberry fruit breakfast staple. And the best part! The absolute freaking best part! . . . I HAD COFFEE! Italian, fair trade, organic, ground myself, only one cup, black. Life is beautiful! I didn't actually know how to make one cup so I ended up making more like two cups, but so as to resist the temptation to have a second cup, I immediately made a mental note of how much to make the next time and dumped the excess down the drain. I am a good girl. I'm also rocking some 100% natural orange juice this morning. Another habit I will continue and bring forward from this detox.

I weighed in this morning and was pleasantly surprised. I hadn't weighed in when I started this a week ago, but I had weighed sometime right before Christmas and was horrified to see the number. I know I put on even more weight after that and throughout the holidays. So I can only guestimate but I know that I lost at least 10 pounds over the last 7 days, perhaps even 15 or more. I am now right back to where I was when I was religiously following SparkPeople, which makes me feel good inside and out!

But the weight is totally bottom of the totem pole in comparison to all the other benefits like increased energy, better sleep, more mentally alert, etc.

So I did detox and it was a little difficult the first few days, but then it smoothed out, and I highly recommend it to anyone who just wants to get their head clear and gain some focus. For me that has been a critical part. A fog lifted off my brain and I just feel all around lighter and clear. I definitely will do this again, perhaps in six months time at the beginning of June. Great way to start the summer! And I mean it's only 7 days. A person can do anything for 7 days.

So in case you want to try this at home, here it is:

General Instructions for the 7-Day Brown Rice Detox:

Sometimes our digestive organs need a break from the many aggravating and toxic foods we put into them. Cleansing our body and digestive tract allows us to function better and to absorb nutrients more efficiently, thus making our bodies stronger and healthier. This diet will give you the nutrition you need while your body cleanses and heals itself. You do not have to go hungry and you do not have to watch your calories, weigh food, or pay attention to the food selection. You can eat whenever you are hungry and as often as you like. Eat until you feel full but not engorged. It is better to have several small meals rather than 3 large ones. Do not drink with your meals as this will dilute your stomach acid and enzymes needed to properly digest your food. Wait about 10-15 minutes before or after eating to have a drink. We suggest you do the cleanse at least twice per year.

What can you eat?

Brown Rice – rinse the rice before cooking, three times or until the water runs clear, add onions, herbs or spices during the last 15-20 minutes of cooking time if you desire.

Vegetables – All kinds of fresh whole vegetables can be eaten (no mushrooms though). Make sure to wash them really well in a solution of water and vinegar (1 part vinegar for every 4 parts water). Vegetables can be eaten raw, steamed or baked. No frozen, canned or jarred vegetables should be eaten, fresh only. Onions are particularly good for cleansing.

Fruits – All kinds of fresh whole fruits may be eaten (no dried fruits). Make sure to wash them very well in the vinegar/water solution. Eat raw fruit only.

Condiments – Fresh garlic, gingerroot, olive oil, lemon, cayenne pepper, cinnamon, oregano, any herb or spice that is a single herb without any salt seasoning.

Beverages – Filtered, distilled or spring water (drink lots and lots of water!), naturally decaf herbal teas, vegetable and fruit juices either freshly made or if they are purchased make sure they are 100% pure juice. Dilute juice half and half with water. Remember to wait 10-15 minutes before and after eating to have a drink.

Other foods – lentils, rice cakes, sesame seeds, chicken, fish, hummus, and tofu.

No shellfish (shrimp, oysters, scallops, clams, lobsters), no caffeine and no alcohol.

What to expect!

Day 1-3 you will be very hungry.

Day 2-3 you may experience headaches, fatigue, aches and pains. This is your body cleansing of toxins. Please do not take any medication or have coffee/tea/cola to suppress the symptoms.

Day 3-4 an increase in energy and decrease in appetite and cravings.

By the end of the week you will see an improvement in skin, digestive problems and mental focus. Pain will be decreased and you will have an overall great sense of well being.

Please come off the cleanse gradually. You will find you are very sensitive to sugar, alcohol, caffeinated beverages, large meals and medications after finishing the cleanse.

Mood: chipper
Drinking: oj
Listening To: the phone ringing in at stacy's house, wakey wakey!
Hair: definitely needing me to either go nuts with the razor again or seek professional help

Sweet Talk

Of course in the computer crash I lost all my music again, except for what's on my mp3 player, so I haven't been really quick to load up again, have taken instead to listening to the radio. Virgin Xtreme is right up my alley with Kate Nash followed by Babyshambles and then The Killers.

Yesterday was a good day! If I could live like I did yesterday everyday then by George you'd see some frigging progress. Yesterday I did a lot of stuff, dealt with a lot of people, handled a lot of different situations as they arose, I worked A LOT! I talked with so many interview subjects and writers yesterday, it makes my head spin. Yet, I still found time to prepare three healthy meals, do two loads of laundry that included changing bedding, do dishes, watch a little George Strombo on tv and get in 5350 steps. It is very true that the more you do, the more you are capable of doing.

Yesterday I was talking to someone about getting up early and I was struck by what he said -- "I feel more successful when I get up early." I hadn't really thought of it that way. I mean I know I feel better about myself, about the day, about life in general when I'm getting up early than when I'm not. But I hadn't thought it out that far. That's it, exactly! I feel more successful when I get up early. And if you start the day successfully, it's so much more motivating and positive than if you sleep late and begin the day feeling like a big old failure. I have completely changed my sleep pattern this last year. From night hawk to morning dove. That, to me, is almost as huge as quitting smoking. Not as difficult to do, mind you, but I think just as huge a deviation from that person I always was.

And now I'm off for another flurry of a day. More people to talk with, more things to edit, lots to write.

Mood: positive
Drinking: peppermint herbal tea, 100% pure orange juice diluted half and half with water
Listening To: Virgin Xtreme, Hot Chip - Ready for the Floor
Hair: growing more and more everyday

Walk Idiot Walk

Only today and tomorrow for detox and I'm done. Feeling pretty good today as well, though I slept in a bit later than 5:30 this morning. It's the fog. Hard to motivate in the grey. I have a theory that optimum sleep for me means 5-7 hours, any less or more and I'm dead knackering myself for the coming day. I will not shake the drowse without drugs. Too much sleep last night. Having a hard time shaking it off. But other than a case of the sleepies, I'm feeling well.

Yesterday was a busy day. Lots of work happening. Spent over an hour on the phone doing an interview. Have 2-3 calls to do today, an interview to pop out for this evening, another telephone interview tomorrow. The columns are starting to flow in so there's lots of editing. Another pub meeting on Friday afternoon. The online version is nagging at the back of my brain, but I know I have to focus on print. I really really really want to put it to bed by the 18th deadline. I'm supposed to go to Fredericton on the 19th. It'll be difficult to take the time if things aren't finished.

I walked downtown yesterday on slippery water over ice sidewalks. The King George Hwy needs some frigging TLC for walkers. Honest to God, it's terrible! The Barnettville Road is less treacherous, no sidewalks and all. I went to Jean Coutu and bought a couple of wall calendars. They're all on sale at half price this week. I got one with angels. The other I hung in my kitchen (where I always put the sark calendar). It's Happy Bunny. For January he's thrown his hands up and declared, "Whatever, you moron." Cracks me up every time I walk by. I went to Sobeys and picked up some chicken and strawberries. But the best score of the day was going to post office and getting my parcel from Amazon with two dvds -- The Wind that Shakes the Barley and Catch & Release. Very different genres, featuring boys I love to love, Cillian Murphy and Timothy Olyphant, throw in some bonus Kevin Smith, and I'm even able to ignore the fact that Jennifer Garner is the main star. (She's just too sweet to be real, don't ya think?) I also got "A Woman's Agenda 2008 celebrating movers & shakers." I needed something to bring my total up in order to be eligible for the free shipping, couldn't think of any more dvds (though I have since thought of lots) so I went looking in books, found this, and thought I'd try it out. It's kinda fabulous!

Oh well, it's a half hour since I drank anything, time to eat something.

Mood: confident
Drinking: nothing, food time
Listening To: virgin radio xtreme (alternative)
Hair: on the back burner for now

Day Five

It's Day Five of Detox, folks, and I feel mighty fine! I mean MIGHTY fine! It occurs to me as I look out my window at the fog and rain that my arthritis should be flaring in this wacky temperature rise. For many years now that's been my reality. But not today. My joints feel great.

I woke at 5:20, got up at 5:30, went to work by 6am. I've worked an hour and a half, got my day planned and on track, fired off some email and now I break to blog and eat breakfast. I would have eaten earlier, but I'm not allowed to eat and drink at the same time. For me this has probably been the most difficult part of the detox process, well you know, once you get past all the pain and lack of caffeine. You're not supposed to drink anything a half hour before and after you eat. That's pretty hard! But liquids dilute your stomach acids making your food more difficult to digest. So I wake up thirsty. I drink water. I have a cup of peppermint tea. Then I must wait a half hour before breakfast. So here we are, going on 8 and I'm having a banana and an apple. I have never eaten so much fruit in all my life! I chop it up into a bowl and eat it like a salad. This seems to work better for me than biting into a whole apple. The bite-sized pieces are more appealing.

Yesterday at the office T asked how much weight I had lost so far. Everyone said my face looked different, thinner. The weight loss aspect is so far removed from why I'm doing this, I hadn't even given it a thought. I feel different, yes. I feel great for sure. But I haven't noticed any difference in the mirror or in my clothes. And I didn't weigh myself before I started. I just wanted to do something safe and healthy to rid my body of nasty chemicals and toxins. Get totally off the caffeine for a bit to give my body a break, and then try not to get right back up to a pot of coffee a day. I wanted to find a plan I could do a couple of times a year. And I think I've found it all right. What a way to start the summer in six months time! And if I shed some pounds in the process, woo-hoo! Bonus! But for me the focus always has to be health, not weight, because if I start focusing on weight I invite all kinds of nasty things into my life. Maintain good health, stay active, and the rest falls in line.

Now I do wish the fog would lift, I have places to go and things to do!

Mood: chipper
Drinking: nothing
Listening To: buddy upstairs readying to leave early for the second morning in a row, think he's got a job, or a New Year's resolution
Hair: still atop my head

Out of Tune

Okay, I think I have a few minutes before I am whisked away to M5 (Mighty Miramichi Monday Morning Meeting for those not in the know). I am on Day 4 of a 7 day brown rice detox program. The first three days were frigging hell, let me tell you! I had a constant migraine and stomach cramps, leg pains, felt like I was freezing. And worst of all I was unable to medicate!! I've just been grinning and bearing it, or actually, going to bed and assuming the fetal. The headache I think I can blame on the lack of caffeine. Other ailments might have little to do with detox and could be related to my cycle (as could the headache partly), arthritis, flu, etc. Certainly my bowels are a tad upset by the sudden addition of all this fruit in my life. Now I get why my niece can't eat all the fruit she wants! But today so far I'm feeling not too shabby. There is a hint of a headache but it hasn't come to light yet. There is the hint of cramps but nothing concrete yet. I'm not feeling tired at all. I have energy. So things are looking up.

In other news, I haven't hit 10,000 steps in the past week but I am tracking the numbers. They're written right on my wall calendar in the office/living/dining room available at a glance for all the world to see. There is no doubt that I do make more of an effort to move when I'm wearing the pedometer than when I'm not. I think I'm averaging about 4500 steps a day this first week. But it's been a bitch of a week really, so I'm not at all discouraged. My high was 7140 on Saturday. Yesterday I dropped back a bit to 5703. Today could be tough as I'm going to the office. It's been difficult anyway because I've been chained to my PC trying to get back control of the situation since the crash.

The writing front suffers severely of course. Last week I only wrote creatively 2 days on Tuesday and Thursday, eeking out a meagre 236 words on a story from a prompt that is probably never going anywhere and about another 400 words on a kids story from prompts the kids gave me. Not too exciting there. No play work at all. So, I need to pay more attention to that part of my life and not let it fall through the cracks as it so often does.

And that's all for now. I need to get ready to leave.

Mood: okay
Drinking: vanilla rooibos herbal tea
Listening To: those strange sounds below
Hair: damp and air drying

Bet You Didn't Know

I'm back! And I bet you didn't even know I was gone! You won't believe what happened to me for New Year's . . . wait for it . . . I blew up another freaking hard drive!!!! No really! I really did! I have lost count of how many that is now, and the last one was only 5 months ago, so I don't know what the hell is going on, but I appear to be Dr. Death to computers. Anyway, if you've been emailing me or wondering why I haven't twittered, blogged, updated my Facebook status or anything else, that is why. I am back now. I will get up to date in time. It would be helpful if you could send me a link to your blog.

Mood: pretty happy actually
Drinking: nothing, i have to be drink free for a half hour before i can eat
Listening To: sadly my music has been ravaged :-(
Hair: clean but messy

New Dawn

Well here we are, that time again. A brand new year. Yesterday I took stock. Today I lay down the new tracks, define my focus for 2008. This year my goals are for my wellness. I've been thinking about it a lot. And I think I've narrowed things down, got to the heart of the matter. There are three key areas to wellness--mind, body and spirit.

Thinking about my mind I could have gone in several different directions, into learning and growth, but for me it all kept coming back to peace of mind, quieting the mind. And when I started to think of ways that I gain peace of mind, the list was huge, keep on top of bnm work, keep on top of housework, keep on top of . . . well everything in my life. When I'm not on top of it, I lose my peace of mind. There's a pattern there.

The body part of my wellness was more obvious and quite easily figured out once I decided which area needed my attention most, but when it came to spirit again I could have went in any number of directions from religion to meditation and many other tangents. So I started thinking about my spirit, about the times when I've felt most centred and connected with the universe and the direction very soon revealed itself to me.

Without further fanfare, here are the things I will do in 2008:

Mind
I will not put off to tomorrow what I can do today. In 2008, my comfortable old friend "procrastination" becomes my worst enemy and I will see to his demise. Everyday I will do it now, whatever it happens to be. Everyday I will do the thing I least like to do, first, whether it's the dishes or making phone calls or working in my least favourite computer program. If I don't like to do it, I will do it first. If it needs doing, I will do it now.

Body
I will wear my pedometer everyday and consistently reach for a goal of 10,000 steps. I will track my progress. I will keep records. By the end of 2008 I will be able to look back at my records and determine exactly how many days I succeeded and how many I let fall by the wayside. I will be able to accurately determine my success rate. I will post those numbers here when I take stock at the end of the year.

Spirit
With or without the support of a writing group, in 2008 I will write fiction. I will create characters and plots and settings and dramas. I will hear strange voices in my head and capture their dialogue. I will write a stage play by spring. I will complete a novel by year's end. I will create consistently, producing new drafts every week. I will take the time to nourish my spirit. I will value my creativity and make room in my life for it to grow.

In the past I've had some very practical point-blank goals about things like paying bills and attending special events, but I think if we look after ourselves, if we pay attention to our wellness, then all the practical things we want to achieve will flow outward from our balanced centre. Unlike past years, this year I also challenged Stacy to write wellness goals for 2008 and post them on her blog. And now, I challenge you. Take some time to think about your wellness, to really think about your mind, body and spirit, to reflect on peace and harmony and happiness in your soul. It's a brand new day, a brand new year, and anything can happen but you set the tone, you lay out the course, you determine the direction. Maybe you want to think about that and write your own wellness goals for yourself in 2008. Maybe you'll even share them on your blog.

Mood: energized
Drinking: coffee (still the last before detox)
Listening To: my mind, body and spirit
Hair: needing a shampoo

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! I spent a quiet evening at home last night watching movies. It was blissful! I watched No Country for Old Men and Atonement.

Why is it that a lot of the award contenders this year seem particularly violent? Like Eastern Promises, very violent.

I enjoyed both the movies, though I kind of had a Sopranos moment at No Country's fade to black. I hadn't really been listening to what Tommy Lee Jones was saying, my mind had wandered, so I feel I should watch the ending again sometime.

I cried after Atonement, but not a lot, it didn't wrench the guts right out of me or anything. I watched it second and by the end it was nearly midnight so then I was like, "Oh great, now I'm all sad and weepy just as the calendar flips."

So I went to bed and watched the last few skits with the Royal Canadian Air Farce's New Year's special, so I was laughing again by the time the countdown started and then sweet Suzie McNeil sang Auld Lang Syne and all was well in the world.

The first Austin Powers movie came on directly after and I watched the first 15 minutes or so before I started to drop off.

So all in all I brought in the year with giggles, smiles and a feeling of contentment. They say whatever you're doing as you bring in the year you will continue to do throughout the coming year (thus my horror at having tears and sadness) so if there's any truth to it then certainly I'll take giggles, smiles and a feeling of contentment any freaking day!

Happy 2008!

Mood: cheerful
Drinking: coffee (the last before detox!)
Listening To: hey hey, my my, neil young
Hair: growing again

Taking Stock

The last time I took stock was January 3rd, 2007. On my blog that day I looked at my 2006 goals and decided I had accomplished about 50% of what I set out to do, then I set new goals for 2007. Now, it's that time again, time to take stock. Here's what I wrote:

The areas I will focus on in 2007 are:

1. Health
2. Work

And that is all.

Or more specifically:

HEALTH

1) Diet
a. Drink lots of water
b. Eat breakfast
c. Control portions
d. Nutrition & balance

2) Fitness
a. Walk everywhere, every day
b. Strength exercise consistently
c. Find an activity (or activities) that you enjoy and participate regularly (dancing, swimming, tennis, ?)

3) Mental
a. Yoga
b. Meditation
c. Sleep

WORK

1) Get organized & stay organized
2) Declutter and maintain
3) Plan and follow through
4) Focus and maintain focus
5) Get ahead of the workload and stay out in front
6) Develop time-saving and productive work habits

Now let's break it down. I think I accomplished more this year with regard to the work part of the goals than on the health side. I feel like I slipped on the health side of things.

I do feel more organized, uncluttered, planned and focused on the work front than ever before. If you were to check my inbox right now you'd only find 40 emails there, everything else has been filed in the right spot. This is major! A year ago you would have found hundreds, perhaps thousands. I'm getting better at dealing with email as they arrive whether to file or delete or reply or whatever action is needed.

This year I also had another hard drive blow up on me, which was relatively painless as far as my work went because everything was backed up and filed where it was supposed to be. Systems are getting better. I'm getting better. Writing the novella Sammy story changed everything with regard to my ability to maintain focus and follow a plan.

I have developed some really good work habits this year. Some strong habits. Including actually using my day planner to make a plan and then following that plan. I've not been really good at maintaining that sort of organization and focus ever before. Yes, there are still a goodly number of pages left blank as I finish off the book for 2007, but I've done well, much better than any other year. And I'm exceling at using a wall calendar, having touched every day, even if just to mark its passing. I feel I've grown more conscious of my time and in doing so have become better aware of how to more productively manage it.

I feel like I improved about 80% on the work front this year. I feel strong heading into 2008, ready to overcome more obstacles, only grow better and take things to the next level. I haven't gotten ahead of the work load yet. I'm still chasing the work. But it feels like that is the next piece to fall into place.

But health is another matter. Moving to Miramichi seemed to majorly impact my success level. There have been a lot of weeks spent in high stress and anxiety this year, many more than the year previous, all related to me moving back to Miramichi. Not that I regret the move in any way, it's just like anything else, there's been a period of adjustment.

Yes, I had months of absolute brilliance but I also had way more months of absolute crap than I'd had years previous. On the healthy balanced diet front, I think if we put my good days on one side of a scale and my bad on the other, they would not balance but the bad would weigh the thing down. I lost nutrition ground this year. I stopped eating the way I had been consistently eating in Sackville. Overall, I'd say I probably did at least 50% worse on diet this year than I did last year, quite possibly more. I need to work hard just to get back to the level I was once at.

As poorly as I did on the nutrition front, I did even worse on the fitness front. Yes, I had brilliant moments of stepping. Yes, I purchased a pedometer. But overall the year was crap as far as fitness. I walked less than the year before in Sackville. In Sackville I walked consistently. Here, I've been beyond patchy. If I lost 50% ground on nutrition, I'd have to say I've lost a good 75% ground on fitness.

As my one year anniversary of moving approaches in February, I'm feeling more calm, more settled, more stable, and better able to make up the ground I've lost and continue the journey forward.

The only physical fitness aspect where I feel I've gained any ground at all is under the sleep component. Consistently I am getting better rest here than I was in Sackville. Consistently I am getting up earlier. Rising anytime after 8 really has become a sleep in, whereas my natural rising time in Sackville was consistently after 10am and anything before 8 seemed very damn early. Yes, I still stay up late a lot of the time, but I am able to go to bed before 10pm without thinking it's too early. I'm able to function better on less hours than I used to before. This seems to be a major benefit of the move and having more natural light in my life.

I came into this exercise of taking stock really feeling as if overall 2007 was a bit of a lost year for me, a wash out, but now I'm not so sure. I have grown. And while I did lose ground in one area, I really came ahead in another. So maybe like other years before this I was actually 50% successful at what I set out to do. And accomplishing 50% is not too bad to my way of thinking.

Later I will post my goals for 2008. This year they will be wellness goals in keeping with the new year being one of wellness and accountability. Let's give the buddy system a whirl and see if it increases our success ratio.

Mood: contemplative
Drinking: instant coffee
Listening To: just me typing
Hair: uncombed, unwashed, unrazored, unkempt

Happy Christmas!

I'm so over Merry y'all. It's days past the big day and I'm just getting into it. Well, maybe I'm not getting into the Christmas thing at all, just the New Year thing, but no matter my belly is fluttery with butterflies and I'm excited about life! Maybe this is just because I seemed to sleep a bit better last night and the mucus in my throat has dissipated somewhat. But who cares! I'm excited about the day! It's snowing! Like big ass flakes!

Last night Stacy and I exchanged our Christmas gifts. As usual I felt like I didn't get her nearly enough, but mine was the gift that if properly executed will just keep on giving throughout the year, so maybe that compensates. As usual she got me everything I wanted and more! Bakeware! A set of six pieces, that is like earthenware that you can go from oven to table. Just makes ya want to bake beans and make a lasagna! They're brown (very earthy and good!) and the set includes a rectangle piece, a square pan, a round pot with cover (for the beans don't ya know!) and two smaller round ones (are they called ramekins?). Very excited about it!

That on its own was enough, but the giving continued. She also got me a mug made by an NB potter named Babineau. It's lovely and big, which is how I like them and unique in that the base of the mug is pinched, good for picking up by the base instead of the handle. Good grip. The base is light coloured, plain, and it's trimmed in green tones. Kinda rough and imperfect, not too much glaze, which is exactly what I like so well.

And now you're thinking surely that's all, but nooooo, she also got me two gift sets one from St.Ives and the other from The Healing Garden Organics (Fig and Lavender!), which are both things I love but other than the St. Ives apricot facial scrub (which I just ran out of and needed some more) I never buy for myself.

Another gift was the Sentimento Latino wall calendar featuring artwork by Antonio Broccoli Porto, which has some very interesting and lovely paintings in it. Fabulous! There was also a dayplanner for 2008, a tin of Timothy's Coffee of the World White Hot Chocolate, which I'm dying to try, and two body bars from the Method line (which is natural, organic, etc.) The bars are called pure minimalist, which we all know suits me pretty well, lol. Oh and I nearly forgot! (Because I've nearly eaten them all) A box of homemade chocolate truffles! Oh boy! They are yummy!

So we had a great time exchanging gifts and catching up. Part of my gift to her involves our blogs. The theme of my gift was Wellness and Accountability. Basically her and my wellness, us being accountable to one another. It's kind of a gift to both of us. I promise to be all up in her face every day and this will help both of us. I wrote her three notes on postcards of different women. One said that we would each write three wellness (mind, body, spirit) goals for 2008 and post them on our blogs for the world to see (and thereby hold us accountable to achieve them). Another said that beginning in the New Year the first email I send every day will be to her, telling her how many steps I took the day before and asking for her numbers (we both have pedometers). And the third card said that we would begin the year with a cleansing detox diet for seven days. I emailed her the instructions for that one this morning. My gift included Sobeys gift cards to buy the fresh produce for the cleanse. I also gave her a Women's Day Planner, a time management course with cd, a book on emotional health and two planters. So yeah, totally doesn't seem like I got her very much in comparison. I need to be extra diligent in my bugging her to keep stepping.

Today I'm expecting more company. A friend is coming to stay the night. Girl talk!! Yay! Hopefully, the snow will not ruin our plans. Fingers crossed.

Mood: happy
Drinking: coffee, instant, black
Listening To: the fridge hum (it seems excessively loud these past few days)
Hair: forgotten and neglected

Dreams With Deadlines

As we get closer to the end of 2007 I've been a little concerned about myself. Normally as soon as the calendar flips to December I go into reflection and planning mode. I start to take stock of the past year and get excited about setting new goals for the new year. But this December came and stayed and I felt nothing. And there's been a little nagging voice in the back of my mind whispering, "What's wrong? Are you gonna take stock or what? Don't you have any dreams to fulfill?" And then the other day at the office we were having a last holiday toast before we all scattered to our various family festivities for a week and T asked me to reflect on the past year, and I had nothing. Not a thought in my head. So I was concerned, understandably. Very out of character for me. But this morning the first reflective rumblings in my tummy, the first anticipation of new goals. Whew! That was close! Maybe I've just been too busy to get into it. But rest assured I'll be back next week to look at the year in review and plan for the year ahead. Yay! I'm back!

It's Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Wish me luck!

Mood: excited
Drinking: black coffee
Listening To: somebody to love, queen
Hair: soon to washed and fluffed

Achy Again

Awake since 5am though I tried to continue sleeping until 6:30, should have just gotten up. I'm in an achy season again. There seems to be an excess of moisture in the air or something. Pain makes me tired. I self-medicate. IOW (my own shorthand for In Other Words) I drink. And this is the drinking season too, so that can get excessive. One glass of wine can easily turn into two this time of year. And as I saw on the weekend two glasses quickly becomes two bottles. So I'm kind of in constant pain. There is no isolated spot, it's an all-over achy weariness. Even in sleep I'm in pain. Last night's series of dreams involved me being tortured. I'm not sure what information was being sought of me or why these people wanted to bend me to their will, but I found myself repeatedly being strapped into machines for various painful exercises. Chained into a chair with my arms dangling loosely by my side. Suddenly my wrists are enclosed in steel cuffs and the chair begins to rise. Lying on my back on a concrete slab, the man with the welders goggles begins to drill slowly into my knee cap. And so it went, from dream to dream, all night long. That is the sleep of one who is in pain. This morning I don't feel like going to any of the soirees I have been invited to this afternoon/evening. Perhaps I'll shake it off as the day progresses.

Mood: tired, sore
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: still haven't found what i'm looking for, u2
Hair: uncombed

Right Next to the Right One

Yeah, I'm listening to Celine. Go figure. Well, here we are, heading into insanity. No turning back now. This evening Stacy and I went grocery and liquor store shopping, then back to my place for a way late supper and wrapping gifts for the family we've sponsored at work. Tomorrow morning we're going to deliver them. Tomorrow night me and Stace had thought maybe we'd exchange our gifts but now I think we're going to hold off until next week. After the holiday rush. Something for later. Friday the crush begins in earnest for me. I'm going to the office to work. We're going to knock off early and dig into a bottle of wine or two, the bulging beer fridge, enjoy some spirits. Then me and Stacy head off to Barnbonia for the Tea House staff party, followed directly by a road trip to the rip roaring rapids for a house party. I'll stay all night at the folks, return to town on Saturday, where I'll try to make sure everything is prepped for a longer stay upriver. Take care of the last minute shopping and housework, etc. It's possible I'll be nursing a hangover. With any luck I will be completely recovered and relaxed by Sunday's big adventure with CMC, definitely lunch, maybe a ball game, who knows what else? Anything is possible. Conversation lasting into the wee hours, fits of giggles, holding hands . . . I have a good feeling about this one. But a new adventure is always exciting. Monday I pack up and leave for a couple of days at the folks. I am now leaning toward making the jerk chicken nachos for the xmas eve festivities, purchased some fixings this evening including the frigging Maple Leaf Prime boneless skinless chicken breasts! That's some damn fine chicken! It's funny, at the store all I wanted to buy was stuff that needed no prep, like pudding and microwave dinners, you know quick stuff, open the package shove the food in your mouth. I don't know why I always fall out of love with food this time of year. I crave nothing. I'm ho-hum about everything. It's weird. I'm doing a 7-day toxin cleanse after the holidays, maybe that'll bring some spunk back into my taste buds. No caffeine. No alcohol. No chemicals. Nothing unnatural. Should be interesting. Need to spend the couple of days I'm in Barnbonia visiting. Then back home on Boxing Day, where life should return to normal unless people visit me, which I'm hoping some will. No plans for New Year's Eve yet. I may bring it in on my own terms. I'm due, I think. We'll see if anything more interesting presents itself. And so ends this eve's ramble.

Mood: sleepy now
Drinking: california cabernet sauvignon
Listening To: harvest moon, neil young
Hair: messy

Butterflies

I'm having a butterflies kind of day/week/almost month. Fluttering in my gut. Yes, I am excited. Nervous. Crippled with anticipation. Heart racing in my chest. This is not a panic attack. At the same time swatting self-doubt. Shoo! Go away! I am cool. I am confident. I am a good person. I am intelligent. I am fun to be around. I am beautiful, inside and out. I will take slow calming deep breaths and repeat this mantra all day every day until Sunday. Then the adventure begins in earnest.

Mood: fidgety
Drinking: water
Listening To: 1979, smashing pumpkins
Hair: wrecked

O Xmas Tree

I posted pics on Facebook already, but here some of them are again for those who don't go there. It's hard to get a good pic of the tree it seems. It's much more lovely in person.






Mood: sore
Drinking: water, lots and lots of water
Listening To: guy downstairs wheezing and sneezing
Hair: we're not sure

Mania Settling In Again

Just in time for the weekend another bout of heart-racing lip-trembling doe-eyed insomnia-inducing mania. Yay! I need someone to say, "Catch your breath, babe." Unfortunately I live alone, it's snowing and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be snowed in, alone all evening. Plus, I'm not big on people calling me babe, though I call others babe all the time. A double standard, I know. So maybe I'll just keep running around like a nut, flitting from project to project, trying to keep my brain in my skull.

It's excitement. It's anticipation. It's happiness. It's the last week before Christmas.

That is all.

Mood: manic
Drinking: water
Listening To: on top, the killers
Hair: flat and messy

The Bootleg Saint

Sam Roberts is in studio working on a new album. Very cool!

I am having some wicked crazy ass dreams this week. Yeah, what else is new? Right? There are some people who show up in my subconsciousness way too much for my liking. I need more celebrity guest stars. The only one I've had lately was Barbara Streisand, which was not as cool as one might imagine it would be.

Yesterday I had lunch with a writer friend at the Rodd. The food was great, the conversation even better, like an infusion of creativity for my soul. In the evening I went to the writers' group meeting. Very small group, tis the season after all, but it was good. Got some submissions, read some crap. In the new year my old writing workshop is supposed to be starting up again. We're going to meet regularly every week or two with the common goal to each complete a new novel by spring/summer. I am so up for something like that. I desperately need to do something. I am beyond stagnant.

Mood: getting a headache
Drinking: nothing
Listening To: what is it about men, amy winehouse
Hair: all over the place

38 Years Old

Twelve men broke loose in '73
From millhaven maximum security
Twelve pictures lined up across the front page
seems the mounties had a summertime war to wage
The chief told the people they had nothing to fear
The last thing they'd wanna do is hang around here
They mostly came from towns with long French names
But one of the dozen was a hometown shame

Same pattern on the table, same clock on the wall
Been one seat empty 18 years in all
Freezing slow time away from the world
He's 38 years old, never kissed a girl
He's 38 years old, never kissed a girl

We were sitting round table, heard the telephone ring
Father said he'd tell em if he saw anything
Heard the tap on the window in the middle of the night
Held back the curtains for my older brother Mike

See my sister got raped, so a man got killed
Local boy went to prison, man's buried on the hill
Folks went back to normal when they closed the case
They still stare at their shoes when they pass our place

My mother cried "The horror has finally ceased"
He whispered "yeah, for the time being, at least"
Over his shoulder, on the squad car megaphone
Said "Let's go Michael, son, we're taking you home"

Same pattern on the table, same clock on the wall
Been one seat empty 18 years in all
Freezing slow time away from the world
He's 38 years old, never kissed a girl
He's 38 years old, never kissed a girl

Just sitting here listening to some Hip. I'm 38 years old. Never kissed a girl. Lots of frogs tho :-) Still waiting for the prince . . . aww, who am I kidding, kissed a few of them too.

Last night I purchased a tree and trimmings, then proceeded to stay up half the night assembling things into what is now one mighty fine piece of Christmas in my living room. I love my tree! It's my first one. Ever. Well I had one someplace else one year a long time ago, but it doesn't count because it wasn't really mine, I was just there is all. This one, this one is mine and mine alone. And it's fucking beautiful! I'm tempted to keep it til spring.

Kidding. Kinda.

I am having an unusual time of things lately. I'm not sure what's going on. Maybe it's just the time of year. Maybe it's hormonal. Maybe this permanent sinus headache has rotted my brain. Maybe I'm just stressed. Who the frig knows?! I just feel different. I'm going through a phase or something. I think it started when I chopped all my hair off. Or rather chopping all my hair off in the middle of the night was a symptom of the beginning of . . . whatever the hell this is. Or something like that. I am . . . restless.

Mood: compulsively running my fingers through my hair
Drinking: water
Listening To: fuck the pain away, peaches
Hair: mussed, and sporty according to the mighty boys . . . i don't think that means the same thing as it would on coronation street

As I Am

Yesterday afternoon we had a story session at O'Donaghue's. It was good, got some good ideas. Then we rushed back to the office to decorate the mighty van for the parade of lights. Stacy and I went in the parade on our own, everyone else went to a Christmas party at the Rodd. But that was okay. The parade was really quite lovely. Quite a few floats. Santa and the Missus were adorable in their horse drawn sleigh. I kept thinking the kids would love this, but it's kind of a crazy weekend for my kids. It was pretty chilly too, but there was a good crowd around.

After we traded vehicles in the Rodd parking lot and then went to Pizza Delight for supper. Garlic fingers, pizza, even cinnabons for dessert, couple of glasses of wine. Fabulous! But maybe it was too late for eating or maybe I was just feeling too mighty off the successful meeting and parade, but when I got home shortly after 10 I couldn't turn my brain off so I settled into the computer and worked on BnM until 2 in the morning. I had big plans for this morning, wanted to get up early and go to Zellers, buy a tree and all the trimmings, come home and put it all up. So at 2am I yawned once and said that's good, go to bed now. In bed I tossed and turned until 3:30 then I drifted off for exactly 20 minutes, just long enough to get into a nightmare, which I promptly shook off at 3:50. Wide awake until 4:40 and then I drifted again, right smack into another nightmare. Wide awake again at 5am, stayed that way until after 6, then drifted for another 20 minutes into another nightmare that had me wide awake until after 7:30. Sometime shortly before 8 I fell asleep for real, unsettling dreams but not scary enough to wake me up. Didn't kick until Sherry phoned going on noon. Morning plans ruined.

I'm a little stressed. I don't seem to have the Christmas stress going on, it's all work related, just having too much to do and not feeling a hundred per cent physically and mentally to be up to the challenge. No big deal really. I don't know if that was keeping me awake or if it was eating supper so late in the day or if maybe it was the fact I took sinus meds the night before and slept so soundly for 12 hours straight, no dreams, nothing. One super good night's rest equals another of crazy unrest. Perhaps. Whatever got into me, the day is not turning out like I had hoped so far. Think I'll shower and go downtown Newcastle this afternoon. Take care of some household errands. Then later this evening maybe if I pop down to Zellers it won't be a complete zoo. Maybe. I'm pursing my lips. Unconvinced. Nobody dislikes the mall during holiday shopping more than me :-(

Mood: a little unsettled, unwell, just un
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: an ode to no one, smashing pumpkins
Hair: sassy

I'm It

Tagged by Jenn, just as I was thinking to myself, "this one wouldn't be a good one for me to do . . ."

Eat, Drink & Be Merry

A meme for the holidays....

Four things you always find yourself drinking at Christmastime

1. wine
2. brandy
3. hot apple cider
4. hot chocolate


Four things you always eat around Christmastime

1. i don't really eat anything differently, not big on the turkey dinner and all that, not really big on all the sweets and candy, i'm one of those people who will lose weight over christmas, who finds it easy to stick to the diet over the holidays, i'm more of a beverage person


Four people you buy presents for every Christmas

1. stacy
2. the kids (they are more than 4, i didn't want to single any one of them out)
3. mom
4. dad


Four people you always receive a present from at Christmas

1. mom & dad
2. stacy
3. grammie
4. lee (usually)


Four presents you remember getting as a child

1. the barbie motor home
2. saturday night fever album
3. ghetto blaster
4. i remember nothing else. poodle was obviously a cherished one, but i don't recall the moment he arrived


Four places you always visit over the holidays

1. i don't really do that. i go to mom's for a couple of days and see what happens. usually i end up at jenn's for games and things, usually i go visit paulina and anna so they can show me their toys, but that's about it


Four people who always visit you over the holidays

1. nobody ever visits me over the holidays. maybe they will this year


Four Holiday Gatherings you usually attend

1. the mighty party
2. the tea house "staff" party
3. xmas eve at mom's house
4. can't think of any other gatherings


Four Holiday movies you watch every year

1. i don't really do this either, if I stumble onto Home for the Holidays or National Lampoon's I'll watch it cuz I love those two. I probably watch Love Actually on purpose. This year I hope to watch The Holiday. But who really knows

Four Christmas specials you still love to watch

1. Not big on Christmas specials, haven't really seen The Grinch or Charlie Brown or any of that stuff in years


Four great holiday memories

1. i can't think of any

Four not-so-great holiday memories

1. too many to list, couldn't possibly pick the top 4


Four things you love about Christmas

1. giving gifts
2. the tree, lights, decorations, music
3. Christmas Eve
4. christmas cheer i.e. playing games, food & drink


Four things you don't love about Christmas

1. shopping in crowded malls
2. being depressed


Four people you are tagging

noboby, i'll spare you

Mood: pretty happy til i did this thing
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: nothing
Hair: still short spiky uneven and amateurish