How to Marry a Man in a Small Town

I'm trying to get some work done on my novel so I'll have something to workshop on Friday with the girls. For anyone who isn't familiar with it, the novel is written in the third person and focuses on the life of a man named Callum. Callum is not having the greatest life so far, there's a lot of stuff happening to him. There are several female secondary characters who are all very different from one another, yet they're all playing the same role (girlfriend) in Callum's life. Making each of these women stand out and be unique can be somewhat challenging, so I thought I would experiment by writing in the first person as each of my female characters. If they were interviewed or if they had to write an essay on their views of the world, what would they have to say? This has been really helpful in developing each of their characters and some of the results have been surprising to say the least. Take the character of Shannon for example. I thought she was a very sweet girl, a little thick maybe, but overall kind and sweet. It turns out she's a bit more manipulative than I first thought. Here's one of her monologues that I call "How to Marry a Man in a Small Town." Keep in mind these are Shannon's thoughts, not mine. And this piece is the equivalent of background research, it won't appear in the novel.

How to Marry a Man in a Small Town

It's hard to find a decent man around here. All the single ones — well, let's just say they're single for a reason. They're jerks, running from woman to woman. They'll never amount to anything. The decent ones are all married. Trouble is everyone knows that and there's not enough to go around, so you gotta be quick, you gotta stay on top of the situation.

As soon as you hear a marriage might be in trouble, you've got to make yourself known. It's an art form really. You don't want to go after the guy who's gonna get taken to the cleaners, you want the one who's gonna be left with the house — but not the kids! Kids are trouble. They'll bust up your plans every time. And you can't be the first after the wife leaves cuz they never keep that one and you want to be a keeper.

Maybe it's more like a science than an art. Yeah, I could write a book on it.

You hear rumours about something; maybe the wife is stepping out or talking unhappiness to the hairdresser. Maybe the man is on the prowl — you gotta watch that though. It's okay if he was a stand-up guy all along and this is a new thing, but not okay if he's been cheating on his wife the whole time, cuz you better believe it he'll cheat on you too. It's a total waste of your time to go after the ones that could never keep their hands off another woman. But the one's that have been quiet, that you haven't heard a peep about in years, but now they're stepping out all of a sudden — that's a big heads up. He's unhappy. That marriage is in trouble.

Okay, so you figure a marriage is gonna go bust but it hasn't yet, you gotta let your presence be known. Some eye contact in the grocery. A "Hi there! Hello!" at the post office. A little brush by at the gas station. Nothing outrageous, subtle stuff, but you got to be consistent and keep it up so he doesn't forget who you are.

It can take a long time for a marriage to split or it can go boom in the night. You gotta be ready and you gotta be patient. When it happens, you make a move — but not the BIG move.

Chances are in the beginning he'll fall to pieces. He'll start showing up at all the dances drunk and crazed to find someone to fuck. He might even chase after you, but you gotta hold back and bide your time. Now's the time to build a rapport, a little sympathetic ear and hand patting, but nothing more and not too much. Spend no more than 10 minutes with him at a dance. Let the other girls have at him. Don't worry there'll be other girls, they'll be out in droves throwing themselves at him. Let him fuck a few of them, have a good time and work through that eye-for-an-eye revenge and anger macho shit.

Wait at least three months to see if the wife is going to come back, if there'll be some sort of temporary reconciliation, if it's the real deal or a practise run. Just build rapport but don't make the mistake of becoming his friend, that'll kill the deal. A rapport, but still a mysterious unknown. That's okay.

Keep this up until he gets a girlfriend. He'll get one pretty quick. They always do unless they're complete losers, in which case you don't want to waste your time with him anyway. Let him have his girlfriend, but keep your rapport going. Don't panic, stay calm even if the girlfriend sticks around a couple of months or longer. Don't doubt yourself. Bide your time.

When he breaks up with that first girlfriend get ready to hustle. That's when the game is on because the next girlfriend will be a keeper and you want to be that girl. He won't fall to pieces this time because he never really cared about that girl anyway, but chances are that he'll still be hurting about the wife. You really have to gauge the situation here. If he's raring to go, let him fuck another girl or two. But if he seems tired, like he's holding back, then it's time to pounce.

Seduce him. Show him bits of your mysterious self but be sure to keep something hidden. Let him come after you, encourage it but still play a bit hard to get. Before you know it, you'll be the girlfriend and then the wife. You'll have the house and the guy. Game over, and he's none the wiser, thinks he was in control the whole time.

That's my theory anyway. It was still in development when I met Callum though. That was my major mistake. I was the first girlfriend.

-- Shannon

Mood: Playful
Drinking: Coffee, perked and black
Listening To: Bad Habits, The Monks
Hair: Got2b my best friend