Where Am I Going?

I hoped I would wake to a winter wonderland, but no such luck. Haven't even had any rain, the snowfall warning is over, ditto for the winter storm watch . . . and all I'm left with is the promise of freezing rain around noon. Oh well. It's going to be a good day. A great week. Never mind that I overslept and did not get up when my alarm went off. No matter. I remain optimistic.

Heading to the Chi on Friday again. Christmas partying straight off the train no doubt. Likely bnm meetings on Saturday. Dessert Theatre with family on Sunday, where I'll finally get to see my sister's amateur theatre group in action. Busy weekend. Hopefully there'll be time to relax somewhere in there. Back to Bagtown on Monday for another couple weeks before I head to the river for Christmas.

I feel excited today. Happy. I think elated might be the word. This print bnm thing is pretty stressful by times. But it's a good kind of stress, it's the kind of deadline/editorial pressure cooker type stress that kept me in journalism after I realized their task was to beat the creativity out of me and reprogram my writing mind. I liken Ryerson to army boot camp. It felt like they took away everything, stripped us bare, so they could rebuild us the way they needed us to be. In the beginning I struggled, rebelled, hated it. They weren't about to bend to my will. They kicked me out. I took a year to cool off and then continued. This time I accepted my fate. Played their game. Allowed myself to be stripped and shaped. I emerged with a news mind, a nose for the scent of scandal . . . and no adjectives in my writing vocabulary. It would be 10 years before I discovered adjectives and adverbs again. Another five years before I re-learned how to use them. But now, I'm so thankful I went that route, because I think I have more skills than I would've otherwise.

But what was I saying before I got off on the Rye-High tangent . . . oh yeah! I'm having a good day, great week. Hope you are too.

Mood: elated

/ilaytid/

• adjective extremely happy and excited.
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Rehab, Amy Winehouse
Hair: really nice! no seriously, it's REALLY nice!

Beautiful Day

Bono makes me happy. I watched the whole convention yesterday. Totally sucked in, as always. Exciting stuff! I'd like to experience that one day. Be there. Followed the liberals with sappy holiday movies on women's television. Got no snow here. Saw pics from yesterday's santa claus parade in blackville. They've got snow. Something else for the plus side of moving north. I want some freaking snow!

Another meme:

Not counting the crust and the pizza sauce, come up with up to seven additional ingredients to make the perfect pizza.

1. cheese
2. pineapple
3. sun-dried tomatoes
4. portobello mushrooms
5. bell peppers
6. roasted garlic
7. red onions
   

Mood: happy
Drinking: costa rican coffee with skim milk
Listening To: Wind it Up, Gwen Stefani
Hair: transitioning

Liberal

I told myself I wasn't going to watch. I told myself it didn't really matter. I've got more important stuff to do. And I did . . . For a few hours. Then channel-surfing late last night I happened upon Bob Rae's speech . . . and that was it. I'm in. Politics, man. I try not to love it so much. But I just do.

Mood: on the edge of my seat
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: cbc
Hair: greasy

Beginning to Look a Lot Like . . .

Yeah, another meme. No time to blog.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? gift bags. i'm not a good wrapper
2. Real tree or artificial? i like a real one, but i've never put up one of my own so i've never had to deal with watering, spills, etc. likely an artificial is more my speed
3. When do you put up the tree? mom usually puts hers up pretty early, a couple of weeks before christmas. if i were doing my own tree i'd have it up early in december
4.When do you take the tree down? after new year's
5. Do you like eggnog? nope
6. Favorite gift received as a child? when i was 14 i got a huge ghetto blaster that i loved but that's not really a child . . . umm . . . the saturday night fever soundtrack meant a lot to me
7. Do you have a nativity scene? no and nor will i ever
8. Hardest person to buy for? stacy, she's fussy and she has everything
9. Easiest person to buy for? lee, anything nascar and he acts the same if he loves it as he does if he hates it so there's no pressure to get a reaction
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? email, i've never sent mail ones before
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? a sweatshirt
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Love Actually
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? November
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? i don't think so
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? nachos? lol i'm not really into the turkey and stuffing scene
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? either
17. Favorite Christmas song? We Three Kings
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? travel to the folks
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? maybe so
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? either
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Eve
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? crazy mall shopping, i try to avoid
23. Does Santa wrap your gifts or leave them unwrapped? santa doesn't come anymore, if he did he'd leave things unwrapped

Mood: ok
Drinking: coffee with the last of the real cream
Listening To: fingers on keyboard
Hair: getting a shampoo today with any luck

Song Sung Blue

Borrowed from Life as I know it. A meme. Google the top 100 songs from the year you graduated from high school, bold the ones you loved (then, anyways!), strikeout the ones you hated, and leave the others plain.

1987. I don't remember much about what we were listening to that year. Never Say Goodbye was our prom theme, but it wasn't my favourite Jon Bon song by any stretch. The band hadn't learned how to play it, so they only did so one time and instead played Starship's Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now many times. I'm assuming because it was the song most schools chose as their theme that year. I was insane the first half of the year with worry about moving to Toronto. The second half of the year I was insane with the culture shock of moving to Toronto. We listened to Whitesnake a lot, I remember. I think someone was on a Judd's kick then. We danced to Mony Mony. I started my education into 70's rock and Toronto's band scene. As for the list, if I can't remember the song or if I was indifferent to it, I've left it untouched.

1. "Faith".....George Michael
2. "Alone".....Heart
3. "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)" .....Whitney Houston
4. "C'est la Vie".....Robbie Nevil
5. "Shake You Down".....Gregory Abbott
6. "La Bamba".....Los Lobos
7. "Livin' On A Prayer".....Bon Jovi
8. "Here I Go Again".....Whitesnake
9. "Heaven Is A Place On Earth".....Belinda Carlisle
10. "(I've Had) The Time Of My Life".....Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes
11. "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now".....Starship
12. "I Think We're Alone Now".....Tiffany
13. "With Or Without You".....U2
14. "At This Moment".....Billy Vera and the Beaters
15. "Keep Your Hands To Yourself".....Georgia Satellites
16. "Heart And Soul".....T'Pau
17. "Open Your Heart".....Madonna
18. "Didn't We Almost Have It All".....Whitney Houston
19. "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For".....U2
20. "Looking For A New Love".....Jody Watley
21. "Don't Dream It's Over".....Crowded House
22. "Is This Love".....Whitesnake
23. "Shake Your Love".....Debbie Gibson
24. "Shakedown".....Bob Seger
25. "Notorious".....Duran Duran
26. "I Want Your Sex".....George Michael
27. "The Lady In Red".....Chris DeBurgh
28. "Always".....Atlantic Starr
29. "Head To Toe".....Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam
30. "Mony Mony".....Billy Idol
31. "Only In My Dreams".....Debbie Gibson
32. "Land Of Confusion".....Genesis
33. "Lost In Emotion"....Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam
34. "Should've Known Better".....Richard Marx
35. "You Keep Me Hanging On".....Kim Wilde
36. "Touch Me (I Want Your Body)".....Samantha Fox
37. "Lean On Me".....Club Nouveau
38. "Catch Me (I'm Falling)".....Poison
39. "I Knew You Were Waiting".....Aretha Franklin & George Michael
40. "(I Just) Died In Your Arms".....Cutting Crew
41. "Control".....Janet Jackson
42. "Somewhere Out There".....Linda Ronstadt & James Ingram
43. "U Got The Look".....Prince
44. "Don't You Want Me".....Jody Watley
45. "Jacob's Ladder".....Huey Lewis and the News
46. "I Heard A Rumour".....Bananarama
47. "Little Lies".....Fleetwood Mac
48. "Songbird".....Kenny G
49. "Breakout".....Swing Out Sister
50. "Someday".....Glass Tiger
51. "Bad".....Michael Jackson
52. "In Too Deep:.....Genesis
53. "I Just Can't Stop Loving You".....Michael Jackson & Siedah Garrett
54. "La Isla Bonita".....Madonna
55. "Let's Wait Awhile".....Janet Jackson
56. "Luka".....Suzanne Vega
57. "You Got It All".....The Jets
58. "Who's That Girl".....Madonna
59. "Don't Mean Nothing".....Richard Marx
60. "Come On With Me".....Expose
61. "Will You Still Love Me?".....Chicago
62. "Wanted Dead Or Alive".....Bon Jovi
63. "Don't Disturb This Groove".....The System
64. "Change Of Heart".....Cyndi Lauper
65. "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You".....Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
66. "Casanova".....Levert
67. "When Smokey Sings".....ABC
68."Is This Love".....Survivor
69. "The Finer Things".....Steve Winwood
70. "Rock Steady".....The Whispers
71. "Big Time".....Peter Gabriel
72. "Point Of No Return".....Expose
73. "We'll Be Together".....Sting
74. "Something So Strong".....Crowded House
75. "Victory".....Kool and the Gang
76. "The One I Love"......R.E.M.
77. "Causing A Commotion".....Madonna
78. "Sign O' The Times".....Prince
79. "Carrie".....Europe
80. "Mandolin Rain".....Bruce Hornsby and the Range
81. "Tonight, Tonight, Tonight".....Genesis
82. "Can't We Try".....Dan Hill with Vonda Sheppard
83. "Diamonds".....Herb Albert
84. "Heart Of The Night".....Bryan Adams
85. "Let Me Be The One".....Expose
86. "Brilliant Disguise".....Bruce Springsteen
87. "Midnight Blue".....Lou Gramm
88. "Just To See Her".....Smokey Robinson
89. "Doing It All For My Baby".....Huey Lewis and the News
90. "Valerie".....Steve Winwood
91. "Cross My Broken Heart".....The Jets
92. "Ballerina Girl".....Lionel Richie
93. "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You".....Glenn Medeiros
94. "It's A Sin".....Pet Shop Boys
95. "I've Been In Love Before".....Cutting Crew
96. "Wipeout".....Fat Boys & Beach Boys
97. "Big Love".....Fleetwood Mac
98. "Respect Yourself".....Bruce Willis
99. "Who Will You Run To?.....Heart
100. "Right On Track".....Breakfast Club

Mood: focused and determined
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: my housemate's washer spin out
Hair: recently chopped

Cluttered Home/Cluttered Mind

My desk looks like a bomb went off on it. Paper everywhere. I should take a minute to tidy as it will help me function better in the long run. Up at a decent time this morning. Much to do before departing tomorrow and starting to freak out about bnm stories. Driving me crazy. Writing is hard. Rock Star Supernova debut on Jimmy Kimmel live tonight. Too late for people who actually sleep. Though it can be pvred for those with the technology.

Was beauty sunny morn only an hour ago, now clouding over, back to grey. Damn! And I had high hopes, felt like going for a walk and everything.

I need to do a pros/cons list for moving. I'm torn.

Mood: not sure
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Seven Days a Week, The Sounds
Hair: getting a trim maybe

Your Chief

Well I survived the Saint John excursion. I was extremely tired by the time I got back home, but restless, so I couldn't sleep. I ended up sleeping all day yesterday. Seriously, Saint John was very good. The board meeting went well. Lunch was . . . well, just okay with a vegetarian thin crust pizza that was not so thin and pretty soggy . . . but fabulous because I got to meet Alistair Macleod and talk about Bread 'n Molasses and the Miramichi and writing and making movies and lots of fun stuff. Then we went to his talk. He's a great speaker. Quite funny. And I came away with a new way of looking at my writing, which is always cool. I ran into an old friend who works at the Arts Centre and I hadn't seen for quite some time, which was a great surprise. He is supposed to email me, as I lost all his contact info in the great computer crash of 2006. So, if you're reading this, email me so I may know you once again and never drop in unexpectedly and unannounced again :-) The playwriting workshop in the afternoon was jam-packed with info and for me, very inspirational. I am going to write a play! I think I can do it! I think I know how now! Yay! The drive home didn't seem to take as long as the drive in. We were back in no time. I enjoyed vegetable samosas with mango chutney for dinner and tried to crash early. I did fall asleep on the futon in front of the tv for about 20 minutes. Then I got up and went to bed only to roll round and round, restless. So I went back to the futon in front of the tv and fell asleep for another 20 minutes. Tried the bed again, same thing, round and round. Finally I just went to the futon, turned on the tv and stayed there. Not sure why I needed to sleep on metal bars with noise in the background, but there you go. I slept.

I leave for Miramichi on Wednesday. Back again Saturday. Just in time for a one-nite visit from Stacy, followed by a visit from Trish on Monday (last I heard). So, lots on the go. BnM production week. Oh boy! Lots of work to do.

I floated the idea of my moving to the Sackville ladies . . . did not go over well. I don't know what to do. I'm torn. Luckily there's lots of time to figure this thing out before my lease is up.

Better get to work.

Mood: alert
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: Music is the Victim, Scissor Sisters
Hair: can i possibly squeeze a cut into my whirlwind visit?

An Early Start

Going to Saint John this morning for WFNB board meeting and Fall Fair. Freaked out about getting up so early. Accidentally changed the time on my clock when I set the alarm. Yep. So instead of getting up at 5 . . . I got up at 4. Oy! But that's all right. I wasn't really sleeping anyway. I never can when I know I've got to get up and be ready to go someplace early. It just goes against my nature. I should've been a celebrity. You know, like a rock star or something, where you get paid to function at night. I am highly functional between 11pm and 2am.

Listening to the new Supernova CD. You can too. Click Here. Loving it! Loving all the tracks so far! Very cool. Now, if they were to come to NB, I think I'd have to go see.

In other news . . . I'm thinking of moving in the spring when my lease is up. Thinking of going back to Miramichi. Chatham most likely. Where I will be close to work. But perhaps Douglastown. Can't see me in Newcastle, but hey, I never thought I'd be moving again so soon, so nothing would surprise me. I've been thinking about it for a little while, started testing the notion out on people this week. So far, the response is all encouraging. I really love Sackville, will be sad to leave, but I don't know that I'm supposed to be here now. I'm feeling more and more like my time here is done, like I've got what I was supposed to get and now it's time to move on to something new. Keep you posted on that.

Mood: nervously energetic
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Valentine, Rockstar Supernova
Hair: damp

Goals

"Get up and dance, get up and smile, get up and drink to the days that are gone in the shortest while."-- Simon Fowler

Good morning! If the recent events of Hurricane Katrina and Rita haven't taught us the value and importance of a moment, think about the above quote. Isn't that a wonderful, yet bittersweet quote?

It reminds us of how what is all around us -- won't last forever. Yet, in the same breath, it reminds us to dance and smile and celebrate. Celebrate every moment, and don't worry about the small things in life that tend to weigh us down.

What will you do today to celebrate the fact that you are here? To celebrate what you have that is good in your life?

Your Turn:
Review your goals. If you have not been using the three step action list diligently, begin today. What do you want to accomplish by the end of November? By the end of this year? Write your goals down. Research shows that writing your goals down increases your odds of success by over 70%. Make a commitment to yourself to step forward each day this month. If you haven't yet started the Challenge, begin today. You are worth it.

Your Affirmation:
Each day I take a step forward toward my goals. As I take that step, I will laugh, smile and dance.

From the Change Your Life daily newsletter I receive every day.

A couple of weeks ago I was showing a friend my list of 101 Things. I carry around a hard copy in my wallet. She said, "Oh, you must be a goal-oriented person." I nearly laughed. Me? Goal-oriented? I mean yeah, for the purpose of my resume, I've been goal-oriented since the early 90's, but not for one minute did I ever believe that I was really that kind of a person. Until I thought about it. I do make lists of things that I want to do and then I do them and cross them off. At New Year's I'll set some goals for the coming year and take a look back at how well I did at achieving the things I set out for myself to accomplish this past year. I've been doing that for a really long time now. And on top of that, this year I started my 101 Things. So yeah, I must really be goal-oriented! Wow! How did that happen? This just goes to prove that you will evolve into the things you tell yourself that you are. It's been written on my resume for years. I've thrown the term around at every job interview I've ever went on (and there have been LOTS). And now I'm not even lying -- I AM GOAL-ORIENTED!

Mood: focused
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: traffic on the hills of Salem
Hair: damp and stringy

Ami

Make it stop! I wanna get off! This grey weather and rain is enough to drive a person insane. Like seriously crazy. My arthritis is acting up in my knees. It's rained for two weeks and nothing in the forecast but rain until Sunday when it will be cloudy with a chance of sunny periods. Oy! It's like night all the time, screwing with my system.

So, I'm going to Saint John on Saturday for the WFNB Fall Fair. I've got to be there early for a director's meeting. I'm being picked up at 6:15 am. Six-fifteen! In the morning! Oh boy. That'll be a challenge. What kind of a great day is that going to be. If I got shit-faced drunk Friday night I might be okay that early. I tend to function better on less when I'm impaired. Years of experience I guess. It's very difficult for me to get to sleep before 3am. I go to bed, I close my eyes, but nothing happens. I'll have to get up at 5 . . . 5:30 at the absolute latest . . . to be ready to leave by 6:15. That's not a whole lot of sleep time in the middle. It wouldn't be so bad except I'm taking workshops, I'm having to introduce workshop leaders, I'm going to be writing . . . you don't really want to be all spazzed out for those things. I could pull an all-niter Thursday, which would put me in a sleepy frame of mind by midnight Friday (yeah, even on an all-niter I can't calm down before the witching hour) but I risk the whole thing going terribly wrong between 5 and 6 Friday morning (my weak time), when I could possibly crash and not rise again until noon.

Or I could just not have any coffee Friday morning. Meaning I'd never actually wake up, therefore I should be able to drift off by midnight. I'm not asking for much. Five hours and I'm raring to go.

Mood: contemplative
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Overrated, Gavin DeGraw
Hair: greying

Free

Well I seem to be shaking off last week's nosedive depression, despite days upon days of rain and nothing else in sight. I've chance of thundershowers going on, which makes me uneasy in November. I'm working hard on BnM, the second print edition, coming out for December. The writing is so frigging exhausting. I try to make it fun, less like work, but what can I do? It's work, that's just what it is. And it's damn hard.

I noticed on the Mount A calendar this morning that Cindy Sheehan, the mother who camped outside President Bush's ranch to try and get a few words with him, is here today and giving a talk tonight. I won't be going. No time. And I can't afford to clutter my brain with politics right now anyway. But I wish I had nothing going on. I think she'd be interesting. I'm sure someone I know will go and tell me about it later.

I dreamt I moved to a new town last night. An even smaller town if you can imagine such a thing. And I started going to everything they had, like town council meetings and AA and church and just anything that happened where people could go. It was weird. I met interesting people though. I probably should do more of that in my real life, rather than always be holed up here alone.

Tonight I am making eggplant parmigiana for dinner. I've never made it before. I've never even eaten an eggplant before. But I've got a good idea of what I need to do and I keep seeing Curtis of Take Home Chef on TLC (my FAVOURITE cooking show!)doing stuff with eggplant that looks absolutely amazing. So, I'm giving it a go! Eggplant parm is supposed to be the easiest thing in the world to make, failsafe, so they say. We shall see. If I had a decent camera I'd take pictures of the end result. Maybe I'll try with the clunker and see if I can anything steady. The problem is not the camera so much, the problem is me with that particular camera. I'm a shaker. You need to hold the button in forever before it takes the picture, there's a huge delay. So I press the button and I wait so long that I begin to wonder is it going to happen and meanwhile I can't hold steady. There's none of that fancy stuff to help with the shakes on this beastie. It's only 1MP for godsake. It's an antique, no doubt the first digital camera ever made. Still, it was free. So there you go, you get what you paid for. Perhaps I'll try to take a picture . . . yeah, but perhaps not, it's just too frustrating to deal with and I don't have a tri-pod.

Speaking of eggplants and Curtis cooking for vegetarians, I was just flipping through my calendar and noticed that I've been eating vegetarian for 2 months now. Yeah, I started on September 11th. I have had a few meat meals in that time, to clean out the meat frozen in my refrigerator, but not much. I've still got meat I've got to use up sometime. But mostly, it's all veggie all the time. Weird! Who thought that would stick?

Mood: scattered
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: thumping in the next door kitchen
Hair: clean

You Are What You Eat

So the latest scare is Salmonella in chocolate bars. Spinach, lettuce, chocolate . . . I dunno, but it's really starting to feel like you can't trust anything anymore. You're taking your life into your hands just by eating. I took the spinach hit pretty hard, but I so rarely eat chocolate that I'm not much bothered by this development. I am rather taken with the white chocolate bars from the Just Us coffee people. Absolutely amazing! Like no other white chocolate I've ever had. Even if you're not a big white chocolate fan, you might enjoy this one a lot. And they've also got the 70% cocoa dark chocolate and a milk chocolate bar. The local Co-Op has started carrying a lot of Just Us products. I enjoy the coffees too. I buy them because they taste fabulous, it's quality all the way. The fact that they're fair trade and organic is just a bonus that makes me feel even better about something I already felt pretty good about.

There's a blood donor clinic coming up soon in Sackville and I think I'll go if for no other reason than to find out what my blood type is. Stacy has been eating for her blood type and noticing that she feels pretty good. I don't know if I'd do it, this vegetarian thing seems to be a good thing for me right now, but I would like to know what it says I should and shouldn't eat. If I'm Type O like my mom thinks I am, then I'm actually supposed to be eating a kind of Atkins type diet, with lots of meat protein. I'm curious anyway.

Speaking of putting food in your mouth, I'd like to slim down a bit by the New Year. I feel like I've been gaining weight, though there's nothing in my clothes to bear this out. I realise no matter what I eat now I'm not going to lose any more weight. I have maintained this new size for a solid year now, so it's time to step things up in the physical activity area. I should be walking more for sure. I should be making more trips up and down my stairs. I should be doing some weights. It's always a struggle to find ways to incorporate these things into your routine. I wish I liked a sport . . . it would be easier if I was crazy for tennis or something. I do like walking though. I just need to change my mindset. Right now I feel guilty taking time to go for a walk, just for the sake of walking. My walks have to be about getting groceries, getting the mail, having a destination and a purpose. When really it should just be about me and my health and releasing stress and feeling great, because that's pretty important stuff. I'm working on it.

Mood: optimistic
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: trucks on the street
Hair: oy!

So . . .

Two people are reading, or should I say would read if I blogged. So maybe I should blog. But what about? Hmm.

. . .

I'm feeling anxious about money again. On Wednesday I went to my bank to see if we couldn't do anything to make it so they don't hold my pay cheques until they clear. And once again I was made to feel like a criminal with words like "fraud risk" being tossed around along with the arched eyebrow question about being paid in Miramichi but living in Sackville. I'm so shady. This after I trudged out there in the piss pouring rain.

This is why for years and years I had nothing to do with banks. Cash in pocket was the motto. The only reason I have an account now is so I can pay the landlord. The whole ordeal really bummed me out. I mean REALLY bummed me out. Not that I expected to be welcomed with open arms and treated like a normal person. (Remember, I'm very shady.) I didn't expect to have a complete breakdown about it afterward though. That was a most insane surprise. I guess it brought back some stuff, cell memory or something.

I was so overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness that I exploded into the hyperventilating almost puking sobbing loud enough to wake the neighbors ugly cry. I cannot remember the last time I had that cry. Surely it's been 7 or 8 years. I cry a lot, yes. I cry over movies, tv shows, books, websites, funny things the kids say--you name it and I'm ready to cry over it. But I cry quietly. It's a tear thing. Tears streaming down my face, blinding me, runny nose, the occasional whimper maybe. Most times though, you could sit with me in the room and not even know I'm crying, unless you looked into my eyes. Occasionally there is a light version of the ugly cry, with some sobs . . . but the gut twisting ugly cry . . . wow! That never happens. I mean it's been so long that I kinda forgot it existed, I thought Ugly Cry Lite was the big one. It is so NOT the big one!

So I had myself a great big ole bad-assed ugly cry that had nothing to do with the fact that I needed to find extra money somewhere so my rent wouldn't bounce; that I had no coffee, no cream, no milk, no bread, no wine, no soap, no salt, and numerous other sundry items; that I may possibly be late paying my credit card bill . . . unless I get a cash advance on my credit card to pay my credit card; that I couldn't go to the ballet today, or anywhere all week that wasn't free; that I got paid on the 4th but I won't actually be able to access any of that money until the 15th; that I have some loose change in my wallet, quarters mostly, and that is all there is and has been since Christ was a cowboy . . . nope, none of this caused the cry. Yeah, it's all very inconvenient and enough to piss anyone off. But if I hadn't gone to the bank meeting I would've just been pissed off and that would've been the end of it. Instead I went to a meeting to see if there is anything that can be done. Big mistake. I should've known better. Have I learned nothing all these years?

Self-esteem, self-worth, self-image--all these things are a daily struggle for me. It was right around 2000 or 2001, sometime in there as I hit my 30's that I started to pull myself back together after hitting bottom. And I mean, when I hit bottom, I REALLY hit bottom--physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. I could not have sunk any lower. I thought I would die. I wanted to die. I tried to die at every opportunity. I created opportunities to die. But I lived. No matter how many risks I took, no matter how much I tried to help my death along, it never happened. I kept walking away. So around about the turn of the century I came to understand that I wasn't going to be allowed to get out of my life so easily, that if I wanted something else for myself, I'd better do something about it because nobody else was going to. And I started confronting myself, my past, my demons. I wrote it out of me and I weeped. I spent a year locked in my bedroom writing and sobbing. I stopped taking pills and drinking everyday. I stayed sober for a year to make amends for staying drunk and high for three. I swore the next man I had sex with would be someone I loved. No more one night stands. No more men just for the sake of not being alone. And I read books and I did the self help exercises, staring at myself in the mirror and telling myself that I was good enough, that I was worth something, that I didn't need anyone else, that I'd be okay on my own, and I didn't believe a word of it, but I trusted the books that said if I did it long enough I'd trick my brain into believing. And I admitted I had a disease called arthritis and I quit smoking and I walked on a treadmill and I tried to eat more healthy. And my metabolism vanished and I gained weight like never before and still I didn't smoke. And I declared personal bankruptcy and started over. And I spent time with myself finding out what I wanted to do with my life, imagining what a good life looked like and telling myself that I deserved to have a good life. And I made progress. I continue to make progress.

And then I go to the bank and am called a criminal and I fall apart. I cried in the rain on the walk home, unable to hold the tears back even that long. I couldn't even talk to my mother on the phone, I was too upset. And then I burst into the almost forgotten ugly sobs. And I was right back there again. Worthless. A fuck up. Getting exactly what I deserved. I don't deserve any better. And suddenly the cup wasn't half full or even half empty it was shattered, non-existent. I thought I was past all those feelings. I thought I was stronger, that nobody could touch my self-worth anymore. That I'd done the work and I was good to roll. I guess I was wrong. It's a precarious house of cards and I can't take my eyes off it for a moment or someone could bring the whole thing down. Good to know.

Mood: moody
Drinking: water
Listening To: Breathe, Anna Nalick
Hair: dirty

Random 10

Everybody's doing it.

1. In View, The Tragically Hip
2. Song Beneath the Song, Maria Taylor
3. Soft Surrender, The Killers
4. Retriever, Ron Sexsmith
5. Help Yourself, Amy Winehouse
   
6. Ego, The Sounds
7. Sway, Bic Runga
8. High, James Blunt
9. Your Heart, Matt Mays
10. SexyBack, Justin Timberlake
    

Mood: all over the place
Drinking: coffee, french roast, organic, fair trade, with real cream, it don't get any better than this, folks
Listening To: Share Yourself, On the Speakers
Hair: looks like i'm not gonna have time for the cut i so badly need

The Question

Am I not blogging because you're not reading? Or are you not reading because I'm not blogging?

Mood: quizzical
Drinking: nothing, i am dehydrated
Listening To: yard work
Hair: needing a cut in the worst way

CC Blues

I am returned from whirlwind weekend on the Mighty river. The weekend began with my train being almost 4 hours late. What is up with that?! Every frigging time now. Oh well, at least I wasn't on it when it hit the car. I got to stay home longer and do lots of works before I departed.

My father met me at the station and I helped him manoeuvre the new overpass to the highway. (No, it is not a traffic circle!) I arrived in the land of Barnbonia tightly wound and with no wine in sight. Oy!

Up semi-early Saturday and off to the Mighty office for a BnM meeting with the whole crew. Good stuff! And then a day of backyard exploration with the fearless leader. Chinese at Cunards before a Stedman's shopping spree. New pub opening soon in Chatham is going to be THE place to be. I can't wait to go and be snugged! The Monster donairs at the new place in Newcastle are the biggest thing I've ever seen! Truly monster proportions. They also have wraps for those not donair inclined. For the first time ever, Stacy and I stepped inside the Black Horse and everything we ever thought about the place turned out to be completely wrong. It's big! And bright! And clean! With pool tables and Pink Floyd on the jukebox and draught beer that you drink two at a time. It's not even a little scary. Totally hangable. Who knew? The Bulk Barn is a terrible place to go when you're hungry. They have the most huge selection of vegetarian and allergy conscious foods at the Sobeys in Douglastown. A McDonald's large fries is enough to feed a family of four. We found the overpass all on our own and called an early night of it around 11.

Sunday saw my mother's living room converted to a photo studio as I posed for some apparently necessary staff shots. This after being visited by Munchkins. And then I finally got to visit and see my sister's new house. It's beautiful! Big. Open. Fabulous! I grazed on root chips and nachos all evening then stayed up too late and overslept this morning.

Crazy packing and scurry to the train, which decided to run on time for once. Worked by longhand onboard. Cabbed home in blowing snow (only because I wasn't dressed warm enough, not because I didn't want to be out in snowflakes). And discovered most of my paycheque is being held (AGAIN!) for six business days. Called the bank. Nothing they can do unless I qualify for a VISA or overdraft with them . . . fat chance of that I think, but I'm gonna try. I have to! This is crazy. Had to transfer my savings to my chequing to ensure the rent doesn't bounce. Leaving me with $5 cash in pocket until next Tuesday when all my money will be released. So I'm poor. Broke. Again. Even though my bank account is full up. Bah! Humbug! Oh well, at least I have some food. Though no coffee to be found about the place :-(

Mood: wound up
Drinking: water
Listening To: water running outside (tighten the tap, boys! tighten the tap!)
Hair: i don't want to talk about it

Cherry

Supposed to get some flurries today maybe . . . in Northern NB, not here. I'm disappointed. Oh well. Yesterday I was reminded of Christmas past. I get my procrastination from my dad I think. My dad is a huge procrastinator. Monumental! This likely had more of an effect on my childhood than my younger sisters because when I was growing up my mother hadn't yet stepped into her full potential, hadn't really started doing things herself. So there were things that just didn't get done because my dad never got around to doing them and other things that never got done until very late. Rather than get a Christmas tree herself (which she would totally do now) it was my father's responsibility to get a tree and being the greatest procrastinator of all time he would wait until the last possible moment.

Back then we didn't buy Christmas trees, we went into the woods and chopped one down. And so it came to pass that every Christmas Eve, long after dark, Dad and I would be in the woods back Dungarvon, Cains River or Lockstead with the flashlight and the axe, usually wading snow up past my knees, sometimes during a blizzard, searching for the perfect tree. It was an exciting and frustrating activity. I was more inclined to just take whatever we stumbled across first, but Dad still wanted to get the prettiest tree he could find. So the process was long. And in the dark, you couldn't really tell what you got until you got it home.

In early years the whole family would go on these excursions, I remember Mom and Sherry being in the car, maybe Jenn too as a baby in Mom's arms in the front seat. And I don't think it was left quite so late, but at the end it was just me and Dad on Christmas Eve. Each year returning with an even scragglier Charlie Brown tree than the Christmas before. It would be after 9 before we'd even get home with it and then the rush of bed lunches and Santa's snack and getting off to bed. It would be after midnight before Mom would have the tree decorated. Us kids wouldn't even see it until Christmas morning. I know it drove her crazy. It became a running joke in the family, about the Christmas Eve Holy (as in full of holes) trees that Dad and I would bring home.

I'm not sure when this practice came to an end. Probably when I got too old to go with him. I remember him bringing trees home from work with him. I think my boyfriend and his friends got Mom a tree some years. And likely Mom took to the woods herself when I was in high school and she started to look to Dad less for things. My mother got her driver's license and went to work and became a different person after I graduated high school. I understand now that I was partly the catalyst. They needed more money to help me live in Toronto and stay in school. So, my sisters had a different mother for part of their childhood than the one I grew up with.

Mom got an artificial tree a year or so ago, but even before that she would buy a real tree weeks before Christmas. No more waiting until Christmas Eve. Her house is always decorated for the holidays weeks before the event and until after the New Year.

Mood: nostalgic
Drinking: coffee, cold
Listening To: Promiscuous Girl, Nelly Furtado with Timbaland
Hair: questionable

Easy Silence

Doing a little better today maybe. Haven't been myself for over a week now, since last Monday, but yesterday seems to have been the worst of it. I think I hit the peak and now I'm heading down the other side to level ground again. Feeling a bit calmer. Of course I haven't actually had any interaction with anyone yet today to test the water, to see if I can go from 0 to infinity in a second. Yesterday I just wanted to beat somebody up, like physically assault somebody. Days like that I wish for a punching bag. Instead I had to settle for fighting 90km wind on my run-around. Froze my ears. Hats are back! Yay!

I can't wait for snow. I just feel like it'll all be okay if only it would snow. White everywhere. Yes, I might be sick of it come March, but right now I want some. Last winter hardly arrived. They say we're not going to get much snow this winter either. They're certainly getting it out west. Last night on Entertainment Tonight Canada they were in the Yukon. Dawson City at Berton House. This place is perfect for me! I bet if I went to the Yukon, I'd never come back. You think I'm kidding?

Mood: improved
Drinking: coffee, instant, lots of cream
Listening To: Not Ready to Make Nice, The Dixie Chicks (on Oprah they said this was a "rock" album . . . yeah, not quite dudes, still I like the lyrics on most of the tracks and want to see the documentary, they're feisty, gotta give them that)
Hair: changes coming on soon

Porchlight

Bad day. Out of sorts. Same shit. Sigh. I can't be happy like this. I need to re-assess the situation. Later. When I'm clearer. Throbbing headache right now. So, it's Halloween. Yay, woop-dee-doo. I would go buy chocolate bar treats, if I had energy, money, time for such foolishness and so on. Maybe I need to see a doctor.

Mood: nasty
Drinking: cold coffee, and I'm out
Listening To: This River is Wild, The Killers
Hair: having a tenuous future

Back Home Weather

Still windy. Hail warning, though sun's out at the moment. Another party in my dreams last night. This one not at that same club though. A house party maybe. Perhaps inspired by the house party I am to attend this weekend for my brother-in-law's birthday. I know it's on my mind. Having to find some entertaining (but not done to death at past parties) games. Having to find time to cook something for a pot luck affair in the middle of insane crazy day. And of course the boy is turning 40. Wow! We are growing up. I guess. Well, he certainly has. He's still got a few years on me though, so maybe there's hope for me yet. Perhaps I'm making progress. I get all melancholy when I think back to when I first met my brother-in-law. I think I was 13. Perhaps 14. Though no older. I think I met him the late spring just before my 14th birthday, or early summer just after. It was the first time I got drunk on Hermit's Wine. We drank wine and ate white peppermints and told silly jokes and laughed and had a good time. Months later, in late fall, we became friends. And we've been ever since. It was unexpected, but completely logical that he should be family now. And we're having a party. He doesn't know. Don't tell him, okay? He said he didn't want a party. This worries me a bit. Just a smidge. He could balk. We'll see. At least it's not going to be a total surprise party like we did one year for my sister. That freaked her out big time! We learned a lesson there.

Mood: achy joints
Drinking: coffee with cream (the almost last of the Mexican Morning)
Listening To: Train from Kansas City, Neko Case (this is as country as I get)
Hair: something's gotta give

Goodbye My Lover

What a weekend! Crazy weather. Wind and rain drowning out the music, the tv. Some lightning and thunder. Some wet snow and ice pellets.

Last night I dreamed about a bar that is becoming a recurring place in my dreams. It's a new place for me. Hasn't been around in my dreams very long. A huge night club, many rooms, dance music, though I've never seen a dance floor there, it's extremely dark in there, like the walls and ceiling and floor have been painted black. Hefty cover charge to get in, like 20 bucks or something, pretty outrageous for no band nor deejay that I've seen. It's the kind of place where everyone is wearing designer-look clothes. Girls in skimpy dresses and four inch strappy sandals, men in Armani. In every dream I've had about this place I'm always there for the first time, with someone, or meeting someone, and not feeling so comfortable, not really liking the music so much, put off by the big cover, and I go to the bar and order a glass of red wine . . . it's $25 for a glass, an empty glass. The bartenders only mix cocktails. The place doesn't even sell any beer. But they have wine and champagne, they just don't pour it for you. You pay $25 for a clean glass and then help yourself to the selection from a huge counter in the ladies' room. This freaks me out a little when the bartender first tells me, but then I think $25 for all I can drink in a swanky club is the deal of the century and I head off to find the ladies. In the past I've never made it through the maze of hallways and rooms, but last night I found the facilities. HUGE! Many rooms. No peeing in the pouring section. No washing hands and powdering noses in the peeing or pouring. Fuchsia walls. Plush carpets and fancy settees. Very pleasant. And I couldn't believe the selection of wine. I poured and then went to find whoever I'm there with. Then I noticed the trays of finger foods everywhere, cheese, crackers, grapes, tiny sandwiches, cream puffs, not the usual pretzels and peanuts. It's quite the place. Maybe someday I'll even find out why I'm there.

Not a computer day today. Should've been. Lots to do. But the day was spent curled up. In bed. On the futon. In front of the tv. Listening to music. Sometimes just the dryer. Other times only the wind and rain. I made scones for breakfast. From scratch. Which is not as impressive as it might sound. Maybe pancakes tomorrow.

I've just realised I'm going to miss my friend's play next weekend. Damn! Why does that always happen to me?

Tonight I practiced reading Tarot for the first time in a long time. My cards. I did the lay-out writing down what I thought it meant and then checked myself with the books. I didn't do half bad for someone who hasn't touched a card in about 8 or 9 years. It's on my list you know, to practice Tarot a few times a week for . . . I forget how long, maybe a month. The idea was to get good at it again just for my own amusement, but someone found out I used to do this and wants a reading. So it's good motivation to practice I suppose.

Sad tonight. Melancholy. This too will pass in time.

Mood: crampy
Drinking: water
Listening To: Star Witness, Neko Case
Hair: think olivia newton john getting physical, yep, it's a headband

In My Heaven

Another late night last night. Couldn't sleep. Anxiety in the middle of the week. Got up and worked for almost three hours. Then slept late. Of course. The dreams are driving me crazy anyway, so even sleep isn't very restful. GET OUT OF MY HEAD! Oh, it's so frustrating.

Going home next weekend. Arrive Friday night. Leave Monday morning. A full schedule in between.

Mood: tired and cranky
Drinking: coffee, blonde
Listening To: I'm Your Man, Leonard Cohen
Hair: still attached at the roots

We Don't Need to Be Wonderful Initially

Not the most productive day yesterday. Knee acting up. Crampy stomach. I went out in the rain and then couldn't get warmed back up. I was pretty sleepy too. So I found myself with the heat cranked; wearing my fuzzy socks, fleece pants, a tank top, t-shirt, pull-over and cardigan; wrapped to my neck in my bed's comforter; curled into the fetal on the futon in front of the tv. And I didn't move most of the late afternoon and all evening. I appear to have warmed up today. My knee is still aching though.

I like Wednesday night television. There are no hollywood shows that I watch so I get to watch the CBC. Last night on the Dragon's Den there was a woman who had seized upon Dr. Emoto's water theory and was touting essenced water sprays. She sang to the water. I thought it was really cool, but why anyone would buy her water when we can all meditate upon our own water, is beyond me. But there are probably people who would. But other than the lone female dragon (why only one?) nobody on the panel had any idea what this lady was talking about. They thought she was a freak. Watching this show week after week, I've noticed that they don't know much (or anything) about health concerns or natural alternatives or organics or anything . . . isn't that an absolutely HUGE market right now? Isn't that like saying they've never heard of the Internet for godsake? Whenever anyone comes in front of them and says anything about health conscious people reading the labels, they seem to tune out. As if the idea that people read labels is a bit absurd. These are some of the most successful and rich business people in the country. And this disturbs me somewhat. I don't know, I just expect that if you're going to have all this success and make tons of money, you should know something. I suppose they know stuff about the industries they are in. Obviously. Still, they've let a lot of good natural products go by the wayside without investing, just because they don't get it.

Mood: so-so
Drinking: mexican morning, almost black
Listening To: Denis Waitley, The Platinum Collection
Hair: purchased new shampoo yesterday

For Reasons Unknown

Wicked crazy dream last night. It's possible I am being influenced by the television. I'm terrified to turn it off and hear scratching in the walls at night. Maybe there is none to be heard. Maybe I imagined the whole thing. Still, I'm not ready to go into the silence. Anyway, the crazy dream!

I dreamed I got a new job as a private security guard. I had to work for an ex-boyfriend/dealer and his new wife and kid. There was a security shack in the yard and I went there to relieve the day guy (I was supposed to do nights). The guy was one of my cousins, which was kind of weird, and he didn't seem at all competent in this job as he showed me around the house and gave me the details of the nightly routine. Across the road from the house there was a lane with an old orange school bus parked in it. One of the jobs as security was to drive the bus back over the hill once an hour to check on the crops and make sure nobody was in there stealing anything. This panicked me a bit, I hadn't realized I'd have to drive a bus and I'd never driven one before so I was a little freaked out.

While my cousin was showing me around telling me what to do, the family started to settle into their house for the evening. We were to lock them in and set the perimeter alarm. Just as we were getting ready to do that, we were attacked by a rival drug dealer and his thugs (all people I knew, in that way that everyone in a small town knows each other). I got shot with an electric stun gun. It was still daylight, a mid-summer evening, anyone driving past could clearly see what was happening. These thugs also had a bus, one of those old buses that you see in movies and on tv. The kind you'd see on a show like MASH, transporting a bunch of the locals to another village. All the doors on the bus flung open and a half dozen guys overwhelmed the house, holding the man at gunpoint and making him show them where everything was stashed. He was blubbering, convinced we'd all be shot as soon as the bus was loaded. They emptied the house and piled the inside of the bus to the ceiling in no time. As they climbed into the bus, hanging out the doors and windows, and started to pull out, the guy went crazy, running after them holding a huge brown wooden cross, pleading for God to help, crying that he was ruined. I couldn't believe it, seemed like the stupidest thing to do, he'd get himself shot. And I wondered if that was the plan, if he was truly ruined maybe he was suicidal.

As the bus lumbered slowly down the road with him running after screaming and waving the cross, all of a sudden a line of people danced onto the road in front of them blocking their path. I say a line because that's what it was, all these men, different ages, different sizes, holding clubs and bats and machetes and axes, shoulder to shoulder like the girls in a chorus line. They moved as a unit and they literally danced out onto the road. Not with high kicks like the chorus girls, but more like a boy band or country line dancers or the dancers from a Michael Jackson video. A line came from the right side of the road and then one came in behind them from the left and behind them from the right until soon there were thousands of armed men on the road dancing toward the drug thieves' bus. They didn't stop dancing as they advanced. It was like some sort of macabre musical.

I woke up before they got to the bus. Weird dream.

Mood: dozy
Drinking: coffee with a generous helping of cream
Listening To:
Hair: like a man's receding hairline (because i had a headband on to keep the hair out of my eyes while doing physical activity yesterday, but since my hair was wet, it dried like that, and stayed that way even after the headband was removed)

I am Pissed

There may be mice, squirrels, or worse nesting in the walls of my house. Yes! I am freaking out thank you very much! Last night, I heard scratching. Upstairs. In the corner maybe, or behind the futon or tv. I made a lot of noise. I slept with the tv cranked. I googled and found people who said mice are repelled by the scents of garlic, mint, and chilli peppers . . . so I put little containers of all three everywhere, upstairs and down. I am freaking! This is it. If I have to live with fuzzy creatures, I will be moving soon as the lease is up in May, if I don't break it and leave right now.

There are no signs of an invasion in my kitchen where such things will congregate. No nibblings. No poop. I'm praying this is going to be okay. Natural repellents for these things? Anyone? Anyone? I so do not want to get into the whole crises of having to trap and kill these bastards on my own.

Mood: apprehensive
Drinking: water
Listening To: fingers flying over the keys
Hair: damp

Too Little Too Late

As expected when one has a terrible bout of Sunday Night Anxiety, I slept late. You can't get up at 8 when you're still awake from the day before at 6 am. Well you can I suppose, but I don't know how productive your day would be without speed.

I dreamed about an ex-boyfriend. All the exes have been making the rounds in my dreams as of late. When I dream about one guy I always wake up sad, longing to go back into the dream. Basically these dreams are my subconscious telling me that I want a relationship, I'm ready for love. And then I dream about this other guy, the one from last night, and it's like a warning. Tread carefully and carry a big stick lest you fall prey into the beastie's lair again. And it's like, dammit! What the hell?!

I used to be all about the experience. Good or bad. And usually the scarier the better. I wanted to experience everything, every emotion, every situation. I took risks. And now I can't even put myself out there to myself in my own dreams without the subconscious kicking in with a little "too close to the edge" warning. Fuck! I've been over the edge and down the other side and clawed my way back to the top again, I shouldn't be afraid to stand two paces from the ledge and at least peer over. I shouldn't be afraid of heights! I shouldn't be afraid of anything. Consciously, when I'm awake, I know this. I know I can handle whatever comes my way and not fall apart. I just need to convince my subconscious.

Yeah, I'm a little sleep deprived.

Mood: tired and cranky
Drinking: cold coffee
Listening To: How Do I Get It Right, Sass Jordan
Hair: not even going there today

What the F@#&?!

I didn't think I'd have Sunday Night Anxiety tonight. I really didn't. Why not? Well, I have nothing to be anxious about. I mean absolutely nothing. I am at the top of my game on every level. I worked nearly 60 hours this week on BnM, finishing stories I've been staring in the face so long I was terrified by them, swallowing my most frightening frogs. Plus I house cleaned and kept the dishes done up every day and did laundry like always and got the groceries and cooked vegetarian meals and ate breakfast and drank water and read books and magazines and watched tv and dvds and wrote creatively and attended a writer's meeting and read submissions for another new magazine I'm involved with and walked and figured my finances out and did yoga and exercised with weights and spoke with family on the phone and slept in late and read poetry aloud and blogged every day and read all 51 blogs on my blogroll everyday and cleaned out my inbox and scrubbed the furnace grates to open them for the season . . . and wasn't tired, and didn't feel like I had no time for anybody or anything. I AM AT THE TOP OF MY GAME. Most weeks I do good to get out of bed every morning. I've never been so at the top of my game.

So yeah, in the past, as I struggled to just keep moving somewhere near the very bottom rung of my game ladder, I expected a little sleeplessness come a Sunday night, a little anxiety at the coming week. So what's up with this?! Why am I here? At the computer again after spending nearly 3 hours in bed rolling around trying to get to sleep.

This makes no sense to me.

Mood: hyper
Drinking: water
Listening To: jazz piano
Hair: greasy

Clunk

Recently I watched a film called Fathers and Sons. Great film! Well worth renting if you haven't seen it. Overall, it's just very real. These characters say the things that we all think but wonder if anybody else thinks that way too. Well, that's how I felt about it anyway. So many parts stuck with me, brought me to tears, inspired me to write.

In the first vignette the father played by Bradley Whitford has a moment outside on the step with his son. They are watching his grandson, his son's son, running and playing in the yard. Whitford's son gets up to go inside and get his camera to capture this "perfect shot" of his boy playing in the water sprinkler. But Bradley Whitford stops him, tells him to just sit down and watch his son. It's a powerful moment, a reminder of how quickly kids grow up and how we should be present in every second. And this really struck a chord with me. I so get that.

I have a lot of friends and family who take pictures of everything. I'm very much the opposite and I don't take very many photographs. I've always had cameras, ever since I was a little kid, but I've never been snap happy, not even when I was young. I don't particularly like photos of events or gatherings, photos with the sole purpose of recording something for your personal records. I probably inherited this from my mother. Growing up, my mom would snap the pictures but then never develop the film. The little canisters would sit in the fridge for years and years. Eventually she might send them away and sometimes they'd turn out and sometimes they'd be too old and ruined, and it never seemed to matter much which way it went.

Don't get me wrong, there are certain kinds of photographs that I love--black & white art house shots, movie stills, photos taken in exotic places I long to visit, photos of people and places I don't know, photos that tell stories, that make me think. I love this kind of photography. I'm not big on scenics, or nature and wildlife. I like people in the shot. I'm more compelled by an old woman's wrinkly face than I am by a moose standing in the trees. It's just a preference.

I remember when we went to see the Rolling Stones in concert and my brother-in-law purchased everyone a disposable camera at the concessions. He's very thoughtful in this way, and I always appreciate everything he does for me. But at the same time there was a part of me that was bothered by the idea that now I had to carry around this camera, I would be expected to take photos and share them later. I really had to be careful that I didn't pop off all the shots before the Stones even took the stage, I was so anxious to be done with this task. At the time I just thought it was the having to hold onto this thing all day that was bothering me. It was a concert so I didn't have a purse or a bag or pockets or anything. But when I saw that scene in the movie I immediately understood that I'm like that with all recording of my life's events photos. I want to see it, experience it, with my own naked eye, not filtered through a lens, not wondering if the light is ok, if I need flash, if I should zoom. I want to be in it, let it engulf me, become part of me. And if I do that, I don't need a photo in order to help me remember. I can be back in that moment in my mind anytime I want.

None of my Bon Jovi pictures turned out. Not a single one. And it doesn't bother me a bit, because I've got not just the concert, but the whole trip, inside me and I call up any part of it and get excited or perturbed or tired or have my mouth water with anticipation or whatever I felt in the moment.

So I get this being in the moment without the camera message that the father was trying to bring home to his son.

Then I go to my dead grandparents' house to spend Thanksgiving and I find myself leafing through old photo albums into the wee hours of the night. People I recognize, events I attended, photos of me, my sisters, my cousins, aunts, uncles, people I don't recognize and perhaps never even met, some occasions I vaguely recall, most I don't remember at all. But it doesn't matter, I know this family. I might not remember that particular card game at the camp but I remember card games. And even the familiar faces are like stranger's faces, young and smooth, and I see things in them that I was too young to have noticed back then. And I wonder who took the photo and why. And the experience rips out my heart and makes me sob with the nostalgic loss of it all. And suddenly I get the other side of it too, the capturing of events for family record. They might have thought they were doing it for them, but really they were doing it for me. They were doing it for me and my sisters and my cousins and all their kids and all their kids' kids, so that we might see them and know them.

Lesson learned: pictures of the Rolling Stones on stage, unimportant and unnecessary; pictures of me and Sherry at the concert, not a bad idea; pictures of everyone at Christmas as my mom's house; absolutely vital.

Mood: reflective
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: My Funny Valentine, Miles Davis
Hair: razoring its way into a mullet if i'm not careful

Back of Your Car

Went grocery shopping. My cupboard was literally bare, so much so that I couldn't even fix myself anything to eat before I went. And now that I'm a breakfast person (see my list) I was FAMISHED in all caps by the time I arrived at the grocery store. Bought a shitload of food. And I am the newest member of my local Co-Op. After a year of shopping at Save-Easy and following many months of renovations in their store, I have decided that I really like Co-Op best. It is a longer walk. If I want to walk there and back, I can't purchase as much as I could at Save-Easy and carry it all home. But the hilly walk feels fantastic when I can do it both ways, and if I can't carry my purchases, I can always catch a cab. I got these Amy's California veggie burgers. Had one last night on a Country Harvest whole wheat bagel with green onions, relish, ketchup, mustard, and it was scrum! Very good. I'm gonna make quesadillas! I'm gonna have baked potatoes with sour cream! I'm gonna have some frigging salad! Oh, life is good I tell ya. Another day of cleaning up on frozen stir-fry leftovers in my freezer and I would've cracked up.

Speaking of cracks . . . going on 3am in the night, I had just started to drift into a dream, sleep was on the rise, when a crack of thunder shook the house, rattling the windows, shaking all the things on the nightstand, knocking over things on my kitchen counter, scaring the god damn crap out of me! It was like a bomb or something. Heavy, heavy rain. High winds. Lightning had to have struck something around here someplace. It was crazy. I couldn't stand it, had to get up and unplug everything, then couldn't stand to be in bed, so I sat downstairs for an hour and read. At one point I poured myself a shot of scotch but I held out, didn't drink it, because I'm very close to having two weeks without any alcohol. And I want to cross it off my list.

Last night I watched the 1930 Oscar winning film, All Quiet on the Western Front. I did not have high expectations for this one really. Parts have been restored but it's still in a state of disrepair, you can see the cracks in the film throughout, and in the style of the first talkies nobody's mouth matches up with the sound. It's a war movie about the first world war, made before the second even happened. I didn't recognize any of the actors' names. So, I didn't hold out much hope. But as it turns out, it's really a compelling film, still, after all this time. It holds up. The battle scenes were insane. I imagine they had more than one close call when they were filming. I'm sure they nearly blew themselves up many times. If you haven't seen it, it's definitely worth a look.

In other news, I'm addicted to Dave's blog.

Mood: upbeat
Drinking: coffee, mexican morning blend, organic, fair trade, with real cream (YESSS!!)
Listening To: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow, Amy Winehouse (don't know who she is? find some of her tunes, download, buy an album, add her to your music collection right now, she's fabulous!)
Hair: should schedule a cut next time i'm heading to the river

Naked As We Came

A lot of the time I dream I'm on a train. It's not the train I take to Miramichi every few weeks to check in with the office and visit family. No, this train is like a series of luxury cars that rich people might have had in the 20s or 30s. Old. Lush. Open concept. I dream I'm on this train all the time, heading home to my mother. I always have to try and find a deejaying gig for when I arrive, in order to pay my way, it's like I have no money and I'm earning my way home from a great distance. And by deejaying I mean like music at parties, which I've never done in my real life. The train is crowded above and beyond capacity it seems. People milling around everywhere, not enough bar stools, sofas, ottomans, tables and chairs for everyone. Waiters in tuxes serve champagne, red and white wines, canapes, cheese, and other snacks. And all the passengers are people I know, that I grew up with, or from the community. People that have nothing to do with my waking life. Like I ran into Quentin W. and asked if he had heard about Babe. That sort of thing. Weird. And I spend hours and hours, trolling the train, speaking with everyone, trying to find someone who knows of a party that I can deejay when we arrive. I dream this all the time. It's a little bizarre. I have no idea what it means. I'm on a journey? I need to talk to people? I've got to look for gigs? No friggin' idea.

Mood: good
Drinking: coffee, instant and black, yes folks groceries still haven't happened
Listening To: Bittersweet Symphony, Lukas Rossi Rockstar
Hair: shimmery

Poor Pete Is A Bit Self-Conscious

Slept late today. Not unneeded. Been working hard. Been working long hours. Have not been breaking like I need to in order to keep my joints in good shape. Things winding down. We now return to our regular broadcasting schedule. It is the rainy season. I need to get outside, walk in the rain, just walk for godsake. I'm like a shut-in. I think I'll take in the Kubrick film festival on the weekend. I think I deserve a break and what better way to spend my time than in an ancient single-screen movie house watching A Clockwork Orange, The Shining, Dr. Strangelove, Eyes Wide Shut and Full Metal Jacket! It's pretty darn exciting. I remember making my brother watch Full Metal Jacket with me when he got into his head that joining the forces would be fun and an easy way to make a living. I know, I am evil.

I also want to drop by the Salvation Army Thrift Store and see what's new. Haven't been in good long while. And I could use some winter attire, some picture frames. I need to start thinking about Christmas and kids gifts. Not that I'll be picking those up at the Salvation Army, but I'm feeling a shopping excursion coming on. I want to get up early and go to the market and the bookstore and just walk around with coffee and relax. I need to decompress. I've been in a pressure cooker this past little while. I haven't got the mail in a week. It's been straight out.

Mood: a little bit hungry and the larder needs some help
Drinking: vanilla rooibos
Listening To: Not the Same, Ben Folds
Hair: razored

Where's the Love?

"I've just landed a job in Chatham and I'm in Newcastle, oh my God! What am I gonna do?" Janice tosses her nail file onto the coffee table and falls back into the couch with a dramatic sigh.

"It'll be alright," I say. "Other people do it."

"But Cindy, it's all the way across the river, IN CHATHAM!"

I can tell she's getting set to work herself up into a real doozey of a fit, best to humour her. "Well, let's look at this logically," I say. Her face brightens and she sits up, leans closer, hopeful.

"You don't have any money, right?"

She nods.

"And the rent's due, right?"

"Yes," she says.

"And there's absolutely no food in the house, right?"

"Well, there are those crackers from Christmas," she says.

"Yeah, I'm not real sure they count. So, there's no food, right?"

She shrugs.

"So you need a job, right?"

"Well duh!" She rolls her eyes.

"And it just so happens that you've got a job, right?"

"Cindy! You're missing the point. It's in CHATHAM."

"Oh yeah, that's right. It's in Chatham. Well my dear, sizing things up from all angles, pros and cons, I can only see one solution."

"Well!" Janice cries. "What is it?"

"It's really quite simple, you'll just have to buy a helicopter."

"A helicopter! Cindy! For the love of God, be serious."

"I AM serious. Way I see it you need a helicopter if you're gonna work all the way on the other side of the river in Chatham . . . OK . . . there might be another way . . . and this is just a wild idea. It's kinda out there. But maybe, just maybe, it's just crazy enough to work."

"What?" she says, hopeful again.

"Well, if the helicopter thing falls through, and you know I really have high hopes for that, plans for the heli-pad on the roof all done up in my head . . . but on the off chance that it falls through, to save house and home and my stomach, well, you could . . . and I don't say this lightly, I know it'd be a sacrifice . . . but well . . . you could always . . . take a cab."

Mood: trying to get the tongue out of my cheek
Drinking: coffee, cold, instant, with skim . . . does it get any worse?
Listening To: Beautiful, Goldfrapp
Hair: the hair! the hair! always the freaking hair!

This is Good News!

Hello Kellie!
Here's your horoscope for OCTOBER 17, 2006.

Career and financial successes might finally come your way, Kellie, after months and perhaps even years of striving. The emotional support you receive today from those who have been working with you can be very gratifying, and is likely to last for a long time. If you like what you're doing at this time, chances are you'll be doing it for a while. If you're totally committed to your current profession, keep up the good work! Enjoy!

You know I can't say I'm completely surprised by this, I've had a feeling about it. This going to print thing really agrees with me. I'm excited about my work again! And when you're excited you have more energy and just feel better all around. You look forward to waking up in the morning and all that. It's about frigging time!

Mood: good
Drinking: coffee, instant with skim cuz i'm out of everything and temporarily broke
Listening To: one of the guys practice a presentation for class today
Hair: head bands are back right?

Wacky Tobacky

Yesterday I put the fuzzy sheets on my bed, New Brunswick sheets. They are the devil! I'm telling ya, you never want to get out of bed with those things. It doesn't help that I'm not well. This sinus/throat thing continues, perhaps worsens. It looks like another soup day for me.

I watched Woody Allen's Match Point last night. I liked it, despite being a little predictable plot-wise at times. I liked the idea of luck in life. Scarlett Johannsen is one of my favourites. When was the last time Woody Allen filmed outside of New York? I totally didn't even think he did that, ever! lol He always has the greatest sets and music.

And I'm off, no time to chitchat today. Duty calls.

Mood: stuffed up, sore throat, pain around my eyes
Drinking: coffee (the last of the folgers finally!) with skim
Listening To: Wait, Get Set Go
Hair: long enough to pull up again

Proof! I'm Beautiful!

So everyone else loaded the pictures, thought I'd get in on it too.

There's A Girl

I need to toss this pancake mix. It must be expired or something. I cannot make good pancakes! They taste like shit. And in case you didn't happen to know, pancakes is one of those things that I excel at. It's a mix, how hard can it be, right? Surprisingly, not as easy as one might think. Lots of practice (remember the pancake phase?) before I was able to turn out perfect pancakes every time. And now they're gone to shit, no matter what I do. Tossing the box.

Strange dream last night (yeah, what else is new, right?) I dreamed I was driving around a big city with a friend's ex-husband (who I've never met in real life, by the way). I had Paulina and Anna with me. This guy was such a wimpy idiot. Pretty boy tho. I was trying to take the kids to a video store. There was a lot of traffic. He dropped us off in the middle of an 8-lane. Said, "You're pretty good at dodging traffic, right?" and just stopped in the middle lane of 8 lanes of traffic! Crazy man! I was freaking, I could pick Anna up and run, but Paulina was too big to carry. And this was freaking me out. That I couldn't carry her to safety. I think I dreamed this because I was just thinking about how old the kids are getting, how Paulina's changing her looks, how Samuel's reading everything and the missus' favourite word is "actually." No more babies. It's kinda sad. Not sad enough for me to have one, but kinda sad nonetheless.

Stayed up to watch Saturday Night Live last night because The Killers were on. Haven't seen it in years. It's not the greatest, but I was struck that it was much worse the last time I tuned in. It seemed improved. I had some laughs in the monologue and skits off the top. I fell asleep right after The Killers did When You Were Young. They likely did another number later on. The show didn't even start until 1am though because of the race, and I was beat. Up early yesterday. Worked almost 9 hours on bnm. Washed every dish in the house because I "accidentally" may have sprayed them all with Raid. Did laundry. Watched the original "All the King's Men." Cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner, plus soy dogs as a late night snack. Am so NOT enjoying soy dogs. Next time I will spring for the more expensive, but likely more tasty, veggie dogs. My veggie meatballs are fantastic. I don't know if it's the absence of red meat in my diet or the excitement of a print bnm, but something is going on. I'm doing better at focusing, at being excited to get up in the morning. This is good.

Mood: pretty good
Drinking: coffee, with the last of the cream, and I'm broke til thursday, oy!
Listening To: How Do I Get It Right, Sass Jordan
Hair: i had a fleeting moment last night when i thought brunette! like a luscious chocolate or something, nothing burgundy

Humpty Dumpty

I'm really not liking my neighbours this year. We've got lots of loud music (you know the kind, with the bass that won't quit), lots of friends over, lots of drug smoking in the house. I think they don't realize how well the sound carries, how thin the walls really are, how terrible that shit really smells, because I will hear them shushing people for me when things get WAY out of hand. They're not completely inconsiderate. But I'm getting vengeful, nonetheless. I want to invite everyone I know and all their kids for a middle of the week sleep-over from hell during exams :-) Hah! I'll show them.

Mood: blurry
Drinking: skim milk (i know! it's a phase)
Listening To: rain on the skylight
Hair: i don't want to talk about it

Life is Short

I don't watch The Today Show on NBC in the morning. Never have. Likely never will. Usually I'm not up, but even if I am, it's just not my thing. I can do with a little Regis sometimes, but the only thing I'm likely to turn on is Seamus in the A.M. If you've been following, you know I've pretty much given up on all American "news" programming. I haven't even checked out Katie Couric's new digs. But all that aside, I stumbled into Meredith Vieira's new blog and I'm quite enjoying it. Surprise, surprise.

Clearing today, thank the goddess! My joints and brain couldn't handle another wet one. I feel like yesterday was called on account of rain.

My bank is screwing with my life a bit. They always hold part of cheques deposited until the cheque clears or five business days. So this means I've got a bunch of money in my account that I can't touch until late next week. Meantime I've got a payment due on Tuesday. If I make the payment, I'm left penniless until next Thursday or so. And in the meantime I need things, like food. I've got 20 bucks in my wallet. Must stretch it out I guess. Payments come first. Food is a luxury item around these parts.

It's Friday the 13th. The Grudge 2 opens today. I am not going. I am SOOO not going. I turn the channel whenever it previews. At any rate it's not playing here. The Trailer Park Boys opens here tonight instead. And given the 20 buck financial situation, I'll not be going to that either. The Vogue has a new website. Now I'll always know what's playing. And who knows, maybe one day, I'll even go.

Mood: boppy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Bittersweet Symphony, The Verve
Hair: waiting to get hairapy

Partially Recovered

So yesterday was kinda a bust. Scratchy throat, stuffed up nose, major sinus headache, mental exhaustion, sleep deprivation. Not pretty. Yes, some stuff got done, I got up at 5am for christ's sake! But I was a zombie by about 2pm, so there you go. I cancelled out on my writers' group. I ate soup! I NEVER eat soup. And I added more soup to my grocery list. So you gotta know I was feeling poorly. Again I was asleep before midnight (just, but still) and this morning there were no alarms, no urgency to arise and finish something (well, there is an urgency, but I gave myself the freedom to listen to my body today) so I stayed in bed until I absolutely could not hold my water any longer. 10am. Normal. Thank you Jesus! I feel somewhat better. Partially recovered.

I want scones. I have no ingredients to make them. I have no recipe. Someone send me a recipe. My shopping list includes alpha-ghetti (I heat it to the boiling point, pepper it black, then enjoy with tears streaming. I only have it when I'm sick, thus it's been years since I've indulged. Good for what ails ya!). The liquor store seasonal liquidation sale starts today, great deals on all summer and discontinued stock. Much red wine on the list. Now, if only I could get a little break in the rain, I'd go out and get some wine and alpha-ghetti :-D

Mood: better
Drinking: coffee, water
Listening To: Lets Get It Started, Black Eyed Peas
Hair: have razor, will trim

Lips of An Angel

I'm back after Thanksgiving weekend with the family in the Rapids. It was really good. We ate. We drank. The children developed a fondness for dvd trivia games. I kicked ass in poker. Bawled my eyes out while looking through Grammie's photo albums. Everyone went to bed early. Paulina ensured I slept only minimally. We ate again. The boys invented coffee. It was all good.

Yesterday I came home. Train. Gary dropped me off at the station before it opened at 8am. The train wasn't scheduled until 10:10, but rather than have someone else have to drive in, I thought I'd just hang out the extra time, write, etc. So I sat outside and watched everyone going to school, wrote, drank coffee. Went in when they opened. Train was running 5 hours late he said. FIVE HOURS! Oy! So I went to Chatham to the office, worked until after 2 and my boss dropped me back over at the train. Complimentary snacks and beverages on board, to compensate for the lateness. Half price ticket next trip. I arrived around 6 pm. Exhausted. (Did I mention I never went to bed at all on Monday night?) Was gonna spring for a cab ride home, that's how tired I was. But they were gonna take at least 15 minutes to get to the station and I can walk in about 10, so I walked instead. Supped. Called Mom. Asleep before 10pm.

Up since 5am. Trying to catch up with my life.

Definitely ready for second breakfast.

Mood: fair to middling
Drinking: water
Listening To: Ain't No Other Man, Christina Aguilera
Hair: shaggy dog like

Waiting on the World to Change

So John Mayer did it and it really cracked me up, so I thought I'd have an Identity Crises of my own. Who do I look like? Apparently I look 74% like Kate Bosworth, 72% like Reese Witherspoon. Interesting. I would never have likened myself to these two ladies.

Feeling poorly last two days. Today seems to be the worst of it. Blah! Slept very late. Torrential rains and wind in the night, physical pain, made sleeping difficult. I kept getting up to look outside, make sure nothing was leaking. Have to get ready to go back to the river tomorrow. Train again. Definitely better to come home for a few days rather than live out of a suitcase for over a week again though. Something to keep in mind. If I book my train tickets early enough, they only cost $38 return. I can't change or cancel them and get a refund, but still usually 7 days is early enough to get the discount. I'm thinking in future this is something to keep in mind, many little trips, rather than one long one. It does make a difference to my work and peace of mind.

I watched the premiere of a new show on CBC last night, Dragons' Den. Very entertaining! I love that it's Canadian. I kept expecting people I know to show up to pitch their ideas. I know lots of entrepreneurial types with plenty of ideas. It's interesting to watch the pitch process.

A new season of The Fifth Estate premiered after and I watched as they followed three boys from the Jane/Finch neighborhood of Toronto for a year. One of my friends and co-workers lived in that neighborhood, one of those high-rises, mostly Jewish. I don't know that the neighborhood had the reputation it has today (this was 15 years ago) because I went there on weekends quite a bit to stay overnight after clubbing on the Danforth. I don't recall as many shootings and things in the city overall, as what happens now. It seemed like where we worked at Queen and Carlaw was more dangerous than Jane/Finch. There was a big gang presence in the office neighborhood. Some shootings, robberies and abductions happened while I worked there. One restaurant owner told me not to come back to his restaurant, because I seemed like a nice girl and he had refused to pay protection to the gangs and was worried about a drive-by.

Definitely remember lots of frightening things about that neighborhood (but I think it's okay now) and I don't remember anything bad at all about the Jane and Finch building. Quite the opposite. I remember being there during Hanukkah and the lobby being decorated, very warm and inviting. There was a sense of community there that I liked.

Sometimes I wonder what would have become of me had I accepted the North York condo/limo, company shares, managerial deal instead of coming back here. What a different path that would have been! Or did all roads lead here eventually anyway? I have the sneaking suspicion they did. Sackville just feels right.

Mood: achy
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: Where Have All the Good People Gone, Sam Roberts
Hair: still around

Have You Ever . . .

Play along if you want . . .

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink (which is not as big-spender as it might sound, considering i had my own bar and a small group of regulars)
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise (like every night for three years . . . and still about once a month, which is down from the once a week of a year ago . . . ahh, progress)
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game (and survived the crush afterwards) does it count if i didn't actually go inside maple leaf gardens? i mean i was right across the street for a leafs game, just couldn't get tickets. i was also in the celebration downtown toronto when the blue jays won the world series, which was a crush unlike any other.
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables - it just tastes better
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower hell yeah! I've seen some awesome meteor showers
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk oy! more times than i can remember
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign long branch
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love a sad, sad state of affairs, I know
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild magic mushrooms count?
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days good lord, the father's day weekend that wouldn't end, lol
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach not voluntarily, but when they're everywhere, it's hard not to touch them . . . ewww!
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read - because I liked it, not because I felt I had
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language remember that french guy? not the bi-lingual hell's angel guy, but the other one, the one who had not a word of english, remember him? he was f-u-n!
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ like on the radio, not in a club
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

Total: 62, if i counted correctly. how many you get?

Mood: stomach aching
Drinking: diet pepsi
Listening To: Maneater, Nelly Furtado
Hair: it don't get messier than this

Bored & Gorgeous

My phone rang at 7:50 this morning. I let it ring a few times, thought about not getting up to answer it, wondered who the hell would call me before 8 o'clock, and it rang and rang. Finally I thought it could only be an emergency because nobody I know would call me so early unless it was life or death and only people I know would let the phone ring so effing long because they'd assume they were waking me up. So I jumped up, panicked, to answer it. Just a man I know, an acquaintance, phones me every few months to touch base, early riser, hadn't noticed the time. Which normally would piss me off big time, to be so abruptly injected into my morning, but he's one of those cheery good natured positive spirits who always brings a smile to my face, so it actually wasn't that nasty a way to arise.

So I had lots of time to sort and clean my garbage for the first collection since the recycling started, which took about an hour this morning, but won't take that long next week because I wasn't set up before and now I am. Have blue and green transparent bags in various sizes, two bins in the kitchen, I'm good to go.

Had a pretty good weekend in Fredtown. The reading went well. Visited with peeps. It's all good. Heading out again this Friday for Thanksgiving with family at the old homestead. Looking forward to that. On the train ride home yesterday, a bunch of people were coming back from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers concert. They were playing a game like Act One (is that what it's called?). The girl said her mom got it at Wal-Mart. I wanted to play. I had to bite my tongue a few times, especially for older tv shows. At one point the clue-giver was singing the theme song for Laverne & Shirley and nobody knew what it was from. And it wasn't like it was on the tip of their tongue and they just couldn't spit it out, they didn't recognize it at all. And they didn't know Na-noo, na-noo from Mork & Mindy. Maybe we should play a game like this at our Thanksgiving get-together? Jenn? Have you got all the cards memorized?

Mood: i might live
Drinking: coffee, the new cheapo maker doesn't keep the coffee as hot as i'd like
Listening To: Indie Rock 'n Roll, The Killers (demo)
Hair: in my eyes