Silly Dreams

I was dreaming something. Something bothersome. But then I got up and life sucked me in and the dream nagged a little, but couldn't withstand hours of chats and phone calls and emails and other writings. It just wasn't that strong. Oh well, it's probably not important.

Woke up to dirty water. I hate that. The water is a problem here, with the town. You just never know when it's going to dirty up and when it'll be good. I hope it doesn't last long.

So last night I went to dinner with friends. It was lovely! Salad, chili, cheesecake, wine, coffee . . . does it get any better than that? I don't think so. And then we went to the movies and saw Volver with Penelope Cruz. I really enjoyed this film. It's a keeper, one to buy the dvd. This movie is a lot of fun. There are many intentional laughs and then maybe some that are not so intentional but funny to a non-Spanish audience just because of the culture difference.

I think I liked it so much because writer/director, Pedro Almodóvar, takes a very sort of serious and sometimes dark subject matter and it's not that he brushes over it lightly, but he infuses humour into it, which for me makes it bearable. A serious film turning on the same plot, might have been equally if not even more powerful, but I don't think you'd leave the movie theatre with a smile, having had a good time. At the end of this movie, you're left with a sense of optimism, that yes, bad things happen, life has unexpected turns, we've all got family issues that need dealing with, but if you keep an open mind, do what you have to do, it can all work out for the best.

See this movie, if you haven't.

It's raining here. Raining and taking away all the snow :-( This is the place that winter never comes. It's no wonder I can't live here anymore.

Mood: grey, like the scene thru the skylight
Drinking: caramel, not flavoured, but coloured like, coffee
Listening To: white, noise
Hair: grey again

Time Cures All

Thank the Goddess! The pain situation improves. The flare is not completely over. And I'm so rarely totally pain-free that I remember those days like special occasions. But I am much improved today, and I haven't degenerated into a two-handed door opener, which was my fear. I noticed myself starting to get better a little after lunch yesterday. Normally as the day progresses I do get less stiff, less pain, just on a regular typical everyday. But when I'm in flare, I can get worse, which is what was going on the past couple of days. Yay! The worse is over for now. I seemed to get more work done yesterday too, which was good. Cuz I'm starting to freak out a little.

Today I will go outside and walk to the post office and the cafe and go to dinner and a movie. This is good.

Last night I watched Transamerica with Felicity Huffman. She's a woman playing a man being a woman, trans-gendered is the term I believe. She was up for a lot of awards last year, and won a few, but still I thought I'd have a hard time getting past the fact that she is really a woman to begin with. It's very interesting though, I was skeptical but she had me believing within the first 10 minutes. It's a good movie. Funny by times. Interesting. See it, if you haven't already. Though I'm likely the last person on earth who hasn't.

Tonight I am going to see Volver with Penelope Cruz. Should be good. It was up for awards recently at the Golden Globes. I don't really have time to go to movies, to be watching DVDs. But sometimes you just gotta take the couple of hours and do these things so you can return refreshed to your tasks. Like last night, I got a lot of work done after I watched the movie. So that was good. Going out tonight and seeing people and having real adult face to face conversation will stimulate some brain cells maybe.

I've been concerned lately about my brain cells. I seem to be forgetful or something. Lots of things on the tip of my tongue that I can never spit out. Knowing what word I want to use and not being able to remember what it is, having to look it up in the reverse dictionary by its meaning. Forgetting simple spellings and having to check. So, I've started taking folic acid every day. Will add more brain foods to my diet like blueberries. And I've started doing a Sudoku Puzzle online every morning.

It was not easy to get myself to do this because we all know how much I dislike numbers and figuring things out like that. Crosswords, yes. Anagrams, no. In the beginning I couldn't solve a puzzle correctly to save my soul (or my brain, as the case might be). Even the single star easy puzzles took a good half hour to 45 minutes to figure out correctly, if I could even do it at all. This was before Christmas sometime, when I decided this would be a good mind exercise for me.

They put a new sudoku on Pogo everyday, just one. So now I'm so much improved at these things that when I go there in the morning to do the new one I'm often disappointed if the puzzle is only rated one or two stars difficulty because that's too easy. I'll have it done in five minutes. Now, I love to see four of five stars shaded in.

I keep seeing sudoku puzzle books at magazine stands, but I haven't purchased one. I talk out loud when I do them. Talk to myself. Figure it all out orally . . . which would not be good for the train and I don't really have time to do any more than the one I do now at home. Though it might be nice to have some to do while I was in Miramichi. Yeah, I should buy a book.

Yesterday I made guacamole (yes, again, I need the nutrients in avocados) and salsa. Yum, yum, yummy! Mom got me this Miracle Blender thing for Christmas that I've been dying to try ever since, but just couldn't seem to find the time. Making these things from scratch, actually takes a bit more time than just popping some toast or throwing a potato into the microwave. And I've been in a crunch. Plus my kitchen has been in a perpetual state of disaster these past couple of weeks, so I haven't been willing to throw new appliances into that mix. Until yesterday.

I made the cutest little cup of salsa! The cup that you put your ingredients in to chop and mix also serves as a storage container. There are lids and everything. There's a blender base and then all these attachments. I guess this would be the generic brand of the Bullet that I saw on the TV infomercial awhile back. It worked fantastic for the salsa! Though I didn't have my bearings and went a little too fine this time. The avocado proved to be too . . . thick? dense? There are two blades though, and I might have been using the wrong one. So, after a few tries I did the guacamole in the manual food processor that Stacy gave me.

Still, it was fun and the result is so delicious. Eventually I want to make a lot of my own condiments, like peanut butter and ketchup, because then you can control the ingredients, the sugar, and it's all natural and fresh and has to be healthier for you. I had some of the salsa with my eggs this morning, instead of ketchup. Of course, the last time I bought ketchup there was a sale so I have a couple of bottles here that I do have to use up before I can go au natural.

I'm looking forward to making some smoothies using the blender attachment and also some juices . . . because apparently it's a juicer too. How cool is that?

And that's my ramble for today. Adios amigos.

Mood: chipper
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: humming, ice sliding off the roof
Hair: gawd!

And the Beat Rolls On

Woke up in pain. Last night I took Ibuprofen in order to get comfortable enough to sleep. May have to take more this morning in order to loosen up my fingers enough to write semi-comfortably. The back seems like a big problem today. Back, legs and hands. This sucks. Not in a poor me kind of way though, I'm not coming down with a case of the poor measles. It really just makes me more angry than anything else. The fact that I can do nothing but try to get through without further aggravating and just wait for the flare to subside. Speaking with Mom last night she said the granddaughter of a woman at work has been bothered this week too. She is so bad she can't go to school, can't turn a door knob unless she uses both hands. She's also much younger than me, a teenager I think. I feel for her. When I was a teenager I had all kinds of "mysterious" aches and pains and snaps and seizures of the joints . . . we never knew what it was about. I know now. But I never had it as bad as this kid. I always functioned. I was in my late 20's or early 30's before I became bed-ridden for the first time.

Garbage day. Time to bundle up and see what that wind chill is really all about. If I can tell anything by the walk to the curb from my door . . . then we know it's serious.

Mood: trying to keep my spirits up
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: plows and tractors and lots of heavy equipment type traffic
Hair: oh god! if you only knew!

Blah!

I'm pretty wiped out today. Totally blaming the Arctic air in the Wind Chill for this insane flare-up.

Wind chill warning for Moncton and southeast New Brunswick continued

Extreme wind chill values of minus 35 to minus 40 expected tonight and Wednesday morning.

Cold Arctic air will continue to flood into the province tonight and temperatures will plunge several degrees below seasonal values. Brisk northwest winds combined with the cold temperatures will result in extreme wind chill values of minus 35 to minus 40 tonight. These extreme wind chills will persist Wednesday morning.

EVERYTHING ACHES!! Imagine every little bone in your hand burning and aching like you slammed your fingers in a door. Imagine that same feeling in every part of your spine, your fore arms, your biceps, your neck, your ribs, your shoulders, your thighs, knees, calves, ankles, feet, and toes. Limbs feel heavy. Lifting your arm takes tremendous focus and energy. Navigating the stairs shoots daggers through your knees.

Now imagine you can't make it better. You can't make it go away. It might go away tomorrow, or the next day, one never knows when it'll swoop in and when it'll leave. In the meantime there's just the exhaustion of living in constant unrelenting pain.

This is my day so far.

I'm tired.

I hope it doesn't last long.

Mood: listless
Drinking: rooibos tea
Listening To: dryer tumbling
Hair: not aching at the roots, so today it's my best friend

Born to be Fit

So last week I started using this website called Fitday (www.fitday.com) to keep track of everything I put into my mouth, how many calories I burn daily, what nutrients I'm lacking, how much exercise I get, etc. Stacy put me onto this site. I had used it before a few years ago when I first quit smoking, but had forgotten it existed. I'm using their online Diet and Fitness Manager. It's free to join. There's a paid version that you can download that has advanced features, like adding your own custom recipes. It's only $20 US. I'm considering getting it. Just because I eat a lot of complicated things like guacamole, hamburgers, homemade salsa, etc. Entering each component, every time, becomes tedious. Plus, making the purchase would solidify my commitment to a healthy active lifestyle. If I start spending cash on things like a computerized diet and activity tracker, then I know I mean serious business.

Weight loss is not my primary goal here. I think if I achieve a healthy balance of carbs, protein and good fat, if I'm getting all my nutrients everyday, and I'm not overeating, if I continue to walk everywhere I need to go and try to add more activity to my life, weight loss will follow. I'll naturally gravitate back to my optimal size. That's my feeling on it anyway. I don't want to get bogged down in the numbers, with regard to shedding pounds. Instead I want to be aware if I need more potassium or if I'm lacking in iron. This is important.

Before Christmas I took the Real Age test (www.realage.com) It's also a free tool. I actually didn't take all of it, just the nutrition part, and based on my eating habits they put me at about 39.5 years old (my REAL age in terms of how old my body feels), which is older than my actual calendar birthday. I was actually kind of happy with this number because it's only a couple years older than what I really am.

Years ago, before I quit smoking, before I started eating healthier, before I started walking everywhere, I took this test (all of it, not just the nutrition part) and I was in pretty bad shape, a good 10 to 15 years older than my actual age at the time. So, this number showed progress.

In the test results they tell you what you're doing right and to continue doing, then they tell you what you can do differently or better in order to make your Real Age younger. So, before Christmas I took this test and I took the suggestions to heart and immediately changed some things. Like I went out and bought supplements based on specific vitamins and minerals they said I was lacking. I've been taking them everyday ever since. I also added breakfast to my daily to do list. So I never forget anymore. I always eat breakfast now. If you've been reading for long, you know breakfast has been a concern for awhile. But I think it's finally starting to stick.

So last week I took the test again, and this time I took all of it--General Health, Medical History, Medications, Lifestyle and Safety, Stress and Social Support, Nutrition, Physical Activities. It's a pretty intense test. Lots of questions.

And now . . . My Real Age is 1.9 years YOUNGER than my Calendar Age! I'm doing it, folks! I'm reaching my health goals. I'm making positive lifestyle changes. And if I can go from a chain smoking, beer drinking, pill popping, french frie eating, inactive insomniac . . . to someone who eats veggies and fruits and breakfast everyday . . . well, anyone can.

Mood: self-satisfied
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: email dinging in
Hair: in my eyes

Proof Positive

Went to Miramichi on Friday. Stacy picked me up at the train station and we went to the Wharf Inn for supper. It's hard to eat out when you're trying to eat healthy. In Miramichi, at any rate. Miramichiers like their deep fried wieners and stuff. We ended up with chicken quesadillas (hold the sour cream). Who knows if that was a good choice or not? There are no MANGO stickers on the menu at the Wharf Inn. New management there too. New menu since the last time we were there. We would've got the steak special but we were in a big hurry to get to the movie theatre.

Even still, the movie had started by the time we arrived, so we just missed a bit at the beginning. Saw "The Good Sheppard" with Matt Damon and Angelina Jolie. It's a Robert DeNiro film. I enjoyed it a lot. Want to see it again on dvd. There were a lot of distractions in the theatre. I tend to forget what it's like to go on Friday evening when all the kids are in attendance. Sometimes watching them is more interesting than the movie. We had wanted to do some stuff afterward, but the movie was much longer than either of us realized and everything was closed when we left the theatre.

Saturday I interviewed the couple being featured on the cover of the next BnM. Went to their house. The whole point of the trip. Easily there for two hours. Got a good interview. Watched a full-length feature film on Alistair Macleod when I got home. On loan from the Sackville Writers' Group. Then watched Breakfast on Pluto with Cillian Murphy. Recent purchase for the collection. Love it! Love him! In bed by midnight so I could rise pretty early and catch the morning train back to Sackville yesterday.

This kind of flying trip is in some ways easier to do than the three or four day kind, and certainly much easier than the week or 10 day trip. Friday night I couldn't keep my eyes open past midnight. And I slept late until nearly noon. Yesterday afternoon I went to bed at 5pm and dozed off and on between television programs and phone calls until 11pm when I went to sleep for the night for real. I slept until nearly 11am this morning. I feel like I'm back on track now. So I've only lost 3 days really (if you count today, which maybe I shouldn't because I am getting considerable amounts of work done), whereas the longer trips I lose (or feel as if I've lost) all the days I'm away and a good two or three days after I get back. So what is this bone weariness, you ask? Well, it's exactly that--bone weariness.

This flying trip is proof positive in my mind that my arthritis is effected by this travel 3 hours north and then back south again. I feel pain. Pain causes exhaustion. Therefore I sleep and am worthless. The climate change is actually quite considerable between here and there. It's damper up there, and colder. There's more snow in Miramichi. It's dryer here, and warmer. There's been no snow here yet this winter.

Around about Rogersville as I journey north, my knees start to lock and I get uncomfortable in my seat. My thighs will ache. My wrists and elbows. If I stay up there long enough, I acclimate, and then I'll experience discomfort about Moncton on the way back. There's a period of readjustment when I return. This is one of the reasons why I must move back to the Miramichi to live. Why the back and forth is so hard on me. If I've learned nothing in the several years since I found out I had arthritis, it's that I need to listen to my body, nurture its needs and not fight against it, try to force it to bend to my will.

It is a given that my work needs me more there. It's also given that my family needs me more there. And I know the back and forth is really hard on me. So, a move is inevitable.

Mood: okay
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: doors slamming in the main house
Hair: greasy, greying

Unanticipated Leaving

Going to Miramichi this afternoon. Via Rail. If you had asked me yesterday, I would not have known. That's the way the cookie crumbles. Not sure when I'll be back. Maybe Sunday. You'll just have to get along without me. I know it's rough. Duty calls.

Mood: sleepyhead
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: just me
Hair: headbanded for clarity

We'll Always Have The White Shirt

You were in my dream. Summoned by the story workshopped in last night's group therapy. I was lucky to have had you for a friend. That's what they said. And I was so struck by that. I certainly didn't know it then and I don't know that I've ever thought about it in quite that way. What would have happened if you hadn't been there? Where would I have gone? How would have I gotten along? We'll never know. You were there, my friend, and I was lucky to have you.

In the dream I have a beach house. This is new. I've never had this house before. It's not a California type setting, all white sand and blueness. No, this is the Atlantic. Windy. Foggy. Grey. Damp. Chilling. A big house. Lots of windows. Lots of curtains billowing in the wind.

In the dream you left by sea. I'm not sure where you've gone, but you've gone by boat, like Jacques Cousteau on expedition. And I'm swaddled in layers for warmth and comfort as I sit on a patio deck and search the horizon for signs of your return.

You come while I'm sleeping. Slip into the bed without warning or alarm and I roll into your big chest and smell your comforting essence. You've been on an adventure. You've found your stride. You've matured. God, I missed you! And I want to blurt it all out, tell you once and for all, unchain my heart and see if you want to take it for a long walk. But even as I think this you speak of leaving again.

Time is fleeting. Brief. You've brought someone with you. A young man. An assistant? A member of your crew? He makes me nervous with his constant movement about the house, foraging, packing, drawing maps and making calculations. Every time I try to tell you, he interrupts. It is the dawn of your departure and I'm about to watch you slip away again in ignorance. I'm afraid. I don't want to tell you for fear that you'll still leave me, that it's too late.

I wait until the last possible moment. As the boy bounds down the path to the dock and you are leaning in to kiss me goodbye in the doorway. I clasp your hands and pull you inside, silence your wonder with the knowledge that this is important. You nod and sit to give me your full attention. The moment at last. I'm like a pool at your feet. I sit on the floor, leaning into your legs, resting my chin on your knees, arms draped over your thighs, clasping your hands in your lap. And I spill over. Apologies. Fears. Hopes.

You listen and when I'm done you don't say anything for many seconds while I hold my breath and wait for sentencing or salvation. Then you smile, pull me onto your lap, kiss the tears from my eyes, my cheeks, my lips, whisper into my hair, my neck. I know. It's ok. I knew. And I'm surprised. I'm surprised and relieved and hopeful and happy. Until I come to understand that you still intend to leave. You plan to finish this mission. And I'm to wait for your return. Again. Except I look to the ocean and all I can see is smoky clouds and grey waves, a wicked wind tossing boats in the harbour, and I know that if you leave this time I'll never see you again.

And here it is, the crux of all my dreams about you, the piercing sadness that I'll never see you again.

Mood: melancholic
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: Breathe (2am), Anna Nalick
Hair: coarse

Nobody Does It Better

Hello Kellie!
Your Quit Date is: Friday, May 10, 2002 at 12:30:00 PM
Time Smoke-Free: 1705 days, 18 hours, 34 minutes and 8 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 42644
Lifetime Saved: 10 months, 25 days, 18 hours
Money Saved: $17,060.00

Wow! I'm almost to the five year mark on my quitting smoking thing. WOW! Sometimes I just have to give my head a shake and wonder who the hell this person is that I've become. I am a non-smoker. Me! Had we been taking bets 10 years ago on who was most likely to NEVER quit smoking EVER, a lot of cash would've been dropped on me. I likely would have bet against myself. So every time my quit date anniversary comes up I really stop to take a moment and pat myself on the back, because damn if I don't deserve it!

It remains the hardest thing I've ever done.

In moments of weakness, when I look at my struggling fat ass in the mirror and think about how easy it would be to just light up and grow thin again, I take strength from the fact that I've already accomplished the most difficult thing, which was throwing the butts away forever, but I'm not yet out of recovery. The road is long and I'm still on it, still slugging away at it daily, so that one day I will wake up and be a healthy balanced person. Real change takes time. Every day I make small choices that make a difference.

Mood: buoyant
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: Gwen Stefani's new video
Hair: still attached at the roots

This Is Me, In My House, And My House Is On My Street . . .

That old thing from Sesame Street. Anyone remember that? My street is in my town, my town is in my state (or province in my case) . . . and so on and so forth until you're out in the universe. I remember being a kid and sitting in my closet with my toy box (I used to like hiding out in closets and other tiny out of the way places to think), closing my eyes and seeing myself, my house, my street, my town, my province, etc. When I would get out into the universe I'd freak out, get scared, because it felt like I had really left my body and I worried I wouldn't find my way back, because recognizing my own insignificance in the grand scheme of things was pretty frightening. Yes, even as a child I was . . . weird?

Looking back now, I would guess I was unknowingly putting myself into a meditative state and part of my fear had to do with my understanding that this was something more than the usual imaginings, but what exactly, I had no idea. Ignorance = fear.

I remember this today because I've taken out my chakra aromatherapy kit and spent some time trying to change my energy from the listless bum I've become over the past few days into the energetic productive person I constantly strive to maintain. The scent helped. Somewhat. The meditation . . . not so much. I couldn't get there. Couldn't quiet down. Couldn't turn off the thousands of things running through my brain that I need to do, that I want to do, that I've promised I will do, that I hope to accomplish one day. Sometimes it's just too much. The quiet is more difficult to find. The forward propulsion needs an extra large kick in the ass.

This week is starting out like that. It has begun poorly. But I'm gonna keep trying. I'm not going to give up. I'm gonna stick with it, reign it back in and regain control. A few unfocused days of blue aren't enough to undo the whole works.

Mood: bleary
Drinking: water, tho not enough apparently as i seem to feel a bit dehydrated
Listening To: rumblings in the street, the sky, on the train tracks that skirt the edge of town
Hair: needing another trim, persistently greying

Snow Day

School cancelled this morning due to weather. I supposed the districts have so many snow days allotted for the season and they need to use them up. This, of course, doesn't effect me in the least as I've no kids and no need to leave the house for anything. I work from home. I work like it's not snowing. It's supposed to change to rain. May already have changed to rain. But I'm hoping some of the white stuff will stick. All that green in January is just so depressing.

I overslept today. Did not get to bed at a decent time last night. Been restless and on edge. Too much coffee perhaps? Since last week's drought. Didn't seem to accomplish much yesterday either. I made some kick-ass guacamole! Yummers! I've got all these new kitchen gadgets since Christmas that I'm dying to play with. Mashers and mixers, slice and dice, blend and puree. Fun goodness! I've also got some food stuff that I normally wouldn't buy for myself. Like the pure New Brunswick maple syrup I poured all over my locally ground organic all natural no additives buckwheat pancakes yesterday. I had forgotten how fabulous the buckwheat pancake can be. They certainly stick by ya! Breakfast almost ruined me for guacamole supper many many hours later.

Today I've got to do something with portobello mushrooms. Maybe burgers. Maybe something else that allows me to experiment with some of that fiery hot red pepper paste and funky rice blend. We shall see what the day begets. I am trying to start this year off right by continuing the somewhat sporadic trend I started last year of eating breakfast every day. People who eat breakfast are healthier, thinner, more energetic, and lots of good stuff. It's a positive thing! But I struggle. I've never been a morning eater. I've always been a one meal per day person. Dinner and that's all. Which is not a good way to live. Today I had a banana. I think that's okay. I don't think you necessarily have to eat a big meal, a piece of fruit is enough for breakfast. I'm trying to eat more fruit. I've got the veggie thing down pat. I am the queen of the big salad, but my fruit consumption needs some work. So I've got some organic bananas and granny smiths and some canned peaches and pineapple and lots of frozen berries on hand. Hey! Maybe I could do something with some fish and those portobellos. That's a thought.

Who knew I would ever enjoy cooking so much? Like back in the day, when I was finding my way, and generally being stomped into the ground everywhere I turned. When I was starving myself and depressed and so afraid to move lest I make a mistake . . . I would never have imagined I'd ever take so much joy from cooking. Thank God, I'm not into the whole baking thing or I'd easily weigh 500 pounds by now.

Mood: thankful
Drinking: coffee, jungle blend, with lottsa cream
Listening To: is that a snowplow?
Hair: brown, as close to my natural as it ever gets

Dream A Little Dream

Not a lot crossed off yesterday's to-do list (in the new dayplanner!) yet I feel like I got soooo much done. There's still more to do today (isn't there always?) but I'm feeling really good about the way the week (month & year) is shaping up. Organization and productivity will be mine!

I slept in my bed last night for the first time since returning from Miramichi. Yes, I've been snoozing on the futon again. I'm not real sure why this tends to happen right before I leave for a trip and directly after I return. Perhaps it has something to do with piles of suitcases, clothes, cds, books, dvds, magazines, papers, shoes, etc. on my bed. Could be. At any rate, yesterday I unpacked every last thing and put the suitcases back into storage, changed my sheets, washed my comforter, and slept in my bed. It was fabulous! I got such a good rest, in very little time. I stayed up really late. I watched an Aussie movie called Danny Deckchair on Showcase. I had wanted to see this film since I saw a preview on a dvd. I had it zipped. As inspiring screwball romantic comedies go, this one is pretty genius. It's a wonderful feel-good film. Or at least from midnight to 2am it was.

Then I found myself watching Criss Angel's Mindfreak on the Discovery Channel for an hour or so. And I thought David Blaine was scary freaky! Yikes! I've seen this program before, quite awhile ago, but all the levitation and burning really freaked me out in the wee hours this morning. How does he do that?!

After 4am I found myself watching an old movie on CBC with Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. I've no idea what it was called. I had never seen it before. It was pretty darn funny though, the parts I saw, I fell asleep after about 35 minutes. Lemmon was a newspaper reporter, Matthau his editor. Lemmon was quitting the biz to move away with his girl and take a sweet advertising job in her uncle's firm. During his going away party (which seemed to be taking place in the media room of a prison where an execution was happening soon) the soon to be hanged star criminal shoots the headshrinker and escapes. Lemmon's replacement rookie reporter proves himself to be useless in all the shooting and sirens, so Lemmon goes after the story and gets a scoop. That's all I saw, pretty much. Anyone know what this is called?

I was wide awake by 6:30 this morning, but didn't think I ought to get up after so little sleep, so I stayed in bed dozing and dreaming until about 9:30. Somebody cooked serious breakfast in the house around 8am, which was highly unusual . . . unless they hadn't gone to bed yet. Hmm. Anyway, I had a weird and disturbing dream just before I got up. In some of my dreams I own a piece of land on the main road just outside the Blackville village limits, before you get to Burke's Diner, about where the trailer park is now. In the dreams it's like an acre of hay surrounded by woods. I'm always trying to sell it for extra cash. So in this morning's dream I get a phone call from the village office (I guess it must be inside the village limits in the dream) from Sarah M. to be exact (who I don't think has ever worked for the village office in real life). It's around 5:30pm, a beauty summer evening of sunshine. She calls and doesn't want to freak me out but she explains that she's a ?? I'm not sure what term she used. She didn't say psychic, though what she went on to tell me made it appear as if she were psychic. It was more like she had studied this practice and gotten certificates in it though, like a natureopath or something.

Anyway, she kind of timidly explains that she's got this other not so normal thing going on in her life and she's had a vision or something and she's calling to tell me that I need to sell my property and I need to sell it right now, like tonight. I just need to get rid of it immediately before more terrible things happen. She says the village council can take it off my hands for $500 and she's already got the paperwork drawn up. She's working late, until 7:30, and then she can bring the papers and a cheque by my house. Five hundred bucks is nothing for this piece of land, so I press her for details on what exactly is wrong with the property. There's a lot of silences on the phone, like the line is cutting in and out. But I get from her that the property is somehow evil and able to attach evilness to people and it's already done some nasty work in my family and it's all going to get a whole lot worse really quick if I don't dump this property right now. She's pulled strings to get this all approved for me in so little time.

By this time I am overcome with a really bad feeling, about the land, about this call and all the unnatural cutting in and out when we're both on land lines. But still, $500!! Surely, I can get more for it than that, I've had some interest from a couple of people. Maybe I can push a sale through myself. I tell her this and she says she doesn't think I'm getting how serious this is, that I absolutely need to get rid of this property this evening or really bad things are going to happen and it'll be too late. I want to know what exactly, and the phone line is cutting in and out really badly now, but I hear my brother Lee's name and something about a terminal illness and accidents and death and that's only the beginning. But it's all so choppy. Still, I'm taking her seriously. I tell her I want to see if I can find a buyer on my own. She warns me again and says if I want to take the village deal to give her a call back, she'll be in the office until 7:30pm. I hang up and start looking for the phone book to give a couple of people a call and see if they'll buy this tonight, right now, at a discounted price but still more than the $500 the village is offering.

I hear a banging coming from Lee's bedroom and I go in to see what's going on. He has a lamp that he's trying to turn on or off but the switch is broke off so there's just a piece of sharp metal sticking out and he's hitting it with the palm of his hand. In my mind I can see him impaling himself on this lamp switch and I yell at him to stop, then I lay into him about doing stupid things and thinking about consequences to his actions. I tell him about the call I just got. Warn him that he needs to be particularly careful until I get this thing settled. But he won't listen. We're screaming at each other and he's punching the walls and breaking things in his room and getting ready to leave. He won't believe me. He's leaving the house. I can't stop him. It's infuriating.

I wake up.

Yes, I guess I am worried about my brother. Yes, he won't listen to anyone who tries to help him. Yes, I'm concerned about what he's mixed up in and who he's mixed up with. I try not to think about it, because there's nothing more I can do. But I guess these things come out anyway. In dreams.

It's a beautiful day here, sunshine, blue skies, white clouds (the fluffy kind). The temperature is falling. It's only 5 degrees now, when it was still 12 degrees last time I checked at 10:30 last night. I think it's time to have pancakes! With peaches! And real maple syrup! (Thank you, Stacy) Later I will go buy limes and cilantro and maybe picture frames. Today I am making guacamole . . . and maybe salsa . . . and perhaps meatless veggie tacos (depending on the expiry date on my meatless meat). Today I will use more new kitchen toys I got for Christmas! FUN!

Mood: awesome
Drinking: coffee!!!
Listening To: Sexy Back, Justin Timberlake
Hair: needs hairapy!

Feel Like Dancing

I walked everywhere yesterday! Out to Main Street for stuff twice. Out to the Co-Op. Around the Swan Pond. Kellie needs a new pair of shoes. For real. Mine are done in. I'm thinking I might get some sort of hiking shoe. Maybe that would be more durable than the usual run of the mill runner. Maybe I should go to Wanderlust Outfitters and see what they have. Maybe. Right now, it's raining. It's 11 degrees and rain. This is January? How can those people say Global Warming isn't happening?

I was beat last night. In bed by 8. Well, not asleep in bed, just lying down and watching tv. Sleep never came til halfway through Letterman. The Donald was on. Blech! Does he know how disgusting he is? Major headache. Thought it would go away with sleep. But it didn't. Still achy this morning. Thought maybe coffee would take it away. No such luck. Guess I'll have to take something. It's so funny that I'm one of those people who doesn't take stuff anymore, when I used to be chocked full of pills everyday. It's strange what we become when we pay attention.

So I used my coffee grinder this morning. Yay! Fun stuff. I went to Jacob's Larder yesterday and got some beans. Fair Trade Organic. And I forget what blend. It was something I couldn't get at Co-Op. Touted as their most intense and diverse blend ever. Expensive though. It'll likely be Save-Easy for beans for now on. I also got some ground coffee while I was out at the Co-Op. I've gone all week without coffee!! It's cruel and unusual punishment. People shouldn't have to live that way. There's no need for it. I suspect I'll fill my freezer with coffee for a rainy day the next couple of weeks to compensate.

I got some licorice tea yesterday too. I've never had it before, but Stacy says it's good for you. She doesn't care for it much but forces herself to drink a cup every now and then. I had some last night. It is not great. I can force a cup right after supper maybe every now and then. Chammomile, I can't force. Ugh! Hate it. Can't really force Green Tea either. I keep trying the green stuff and I keep giving it away to Jenn, lol. Not sure whether she drinks it or not. Rooibos is my favourite. And Chai. I have Russian Tea at my Mom's that I always forget to pack and bring home with me. It's not herbal, very black tea. It's a pretty good substitute for coffee when I'm in Miramichi. My parents never have coffee. Well, sometimes they have instant . . . but . . . you really have to be in a mood to go for instant first thing in the morning.

I overslept. Don't know what's wrong with me. Didn't get up until almost 11:30 and even then it was a struggle. This headache is really zapping me. And of course the above zero temps have flared my arthritis. Pain really takes a lot out of you on so many levels. I never knew that before. I always thought that you just deal with the pain and that is all, but no, there's more. So much more.

So yesterday on my grocery shopping excursion to restock the larder (the refrigerator bulges!) I decided I was going to buy some meat (because I have none and my vegetarian experiment has ended). So, I went to the meat counters at Save-Easy and Co-Op and I looked everything all over . . . and I was completely repulsed at the idea of cooking any of it. I couldn't do it. In the end I just got a couple of packages of chicken wings (because I always loved chicken wings done up in lots of Frank's Hot Sauce), a fillet of Alaskan sole, and a can of tuna just because I felt like I had totally failed at the meat counter. I cooked a package of chicken wings for supper last night. Seven wings, almost five bucks . . . and that was on sale. In the pre-vegetarian days I would have eaten the seven in one sitting, with a side salad and a glass of wine. But even after I cooked them, I was still a bit repulsed, so I struggled to even eat one. Forced two. Mind you, eating seven in one sitting is hardly necessary, a couple is plenty. Maybe they'll grow on me. Maybe I'll have better luck with the fish. I just want some protein. Some nutrients. You know. It can't be all chick peas all the time, can it?

Ramble done.

Mood: achy
Drinking: coffee, FRESH GROUND!
Listening To: What the Fuck is Ladylike?, Storm Large and the Balls
Hair: sticking up every which way

Heat Wave

It's a balmy 6 degrees this morning on the Tantramarsh, slight drizzle, no remnant of snow or ice or anything remotely winter-like about the place. Blah! So yesterday I bought myself a new day planner for 2007. Normally I go for the full page per day kind, and then never use them. So this year I'm trying something different with the full week two page spread view. The weekly spread also has a column with sections for Phone, Fax/Email, See/Do, Write, and To Pay/To Receive. There's also a space to put your Priority on each day. A separate pull-out address book in the back. All kinds of maps and info, lots of room for notes, yet not a huge size, just a smidgen bigger than the one I've always had in the past (and never really used). So, I'm optimistic about this one. I was using an electronic organizer called TimeTo that I really really loved, but after trying it out (and actually using it every day!) for three months I need to buy it or put up with annoying reminders that I'm past my free trial period. And at $79.99 USD . . . well, lets just try some paper first, eh?

I had to go to the video store to buy S&J movies for their birthday (Happy Birthday today!). I got them Ice Age 2: The Meltdown and Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties. Of course there was the 2 for $14.99 deal on the wall which also sucked me in but I managed to restrain myself and only buy two titles-- Elizabethtown and Breakfast on Pluto. Yay! More Cameron Crowe and more Cillian Murphy. Yes, I am obsessed. I also bought myself a new calendar for the kitchen while I was at the bookstore. The one I wanted before Christmas was sold out though :-( but oh well, that's what I get for waiting until the new year sales on calendars.

I am determined to get my house and my self in order today. It's the first morning in many weeks that I woke up able to breathe (for the most part) without the assistance of mind numbing drugs. Today I will clean and restock the larder and do laundry and WORK, WORK, WORK! It'll be a lovely day.

Mood: optimistic
Drinking: earl grey tea, black
Listening To: Angels and Darlas, Say Hi To Your Mom
Hair: a bit flat

Rehab

So I'm back and there's just too much to try and fill in the blanks so I'm gonna charge ahead as if you've missed nothing. Another New Year! Time to assess the situation. Yep, goal setting time. Here we go! Here's what I posted this time last year:

The things I will do in 2006 are:

1. Make more money. Yes, it's the Year of the Dollar (or Buck if I want to put a double meaning on it . . . which could be interesting and worthwhile) and I'm jumping onboard! (see how that double meaning could be pretty exciting?)I did make more money (only a smidgen) but I got a raise in my job that allowed me to give up all the freelance, which was killing me for time. So, this is good.

2. Spend less. It may be shocking to some, but I have not been living very frugally (or even realistically) this past year ;-) I need to tighten up my purse strings and focus on paying off some bills if I ever hope to do something completely nuts and out of character like . . . buy a house. Why the hell not?! Everybody else is getting one. Real estate is a pretty safe investment. Sooner or later (several years down the road yet) I'll want to own a home and I need to start positioning myself to get one. I DID SPEND LESS!! Yes, I spent money on crazy things sometimes, but overall I learned how to manage my finances more efficiently and I even opened a savings account.

3. Read more books. I used to read for personal pleasure at least 20 minutes everyday, but somewhere in the hectic schedule of 2005 I stopped reading and I MISS IT BIG TIME! I've got tons of books on the shelf that I haven't read, great bookstores in town, a library very close by -- there's no reason why I can't be reading. Well, I read some books. Nothing fantastic. But I did read some books this year. Yes, I'm still reading way more manuscripts and rough drafts than published work, but I am reading.

4. Make an effort to attend more events on my own and meet more new people. I'm talking about the Film Society movies on Thursday nights, the jazz bands at George's Roadhouse, gallery openings, etc. Initially I missed a lot of these things last year because they seemed to happen only when I was out of town, but as winter settles in and I'm not out of town as much and there are even more events happening in conjunction with Mount A, it would appear I've fallen into a comfort zone where I pretty much invent any excuse NOT to go to these things alone. What's up with that?! I've never minded going to things alone. Some things I've even preferred to go alone. I know it's healthy to enjoy spending time with yourself, but hermit-like antisocial behaviour is not healthy at all. This changes, right here, right now. Yeah, still kinda suck in this area. And this year it was even more challenging, cuz I'm truly NEVER here when things happen. So much so, I'm moving.

5. Get my passport. I don't have one, pretty much can't leave the country without one, and Italy looms on my horizon. I need to prepare for world travel. First logical step would appear to be a passport. Hmm. I kinda forgot about this one. Slipped off my radar. I got my medicare straightened out this year though . . . that must count for something? Maybe? Well, now everyone has to get a passport anyway to go to the states or anywhere, so I guess I'll have to get one or get left behind.

6. Attend the Harvest Jazz & Blues Festival. Every year I list events I want to attend. I've never listed this one though . . . and I've never attended, despite always wanting to, and sometimes even being in Fredericton when the event happens. So this year, it's the only event officially making my list. Yeah, this totally fell off the radar. Events in general did. This was not a year for going places and doing stuff. It started with a major excursion to Toronto and Bon Jovi and then the rest of the year was spent working and travelling for work. That's all. Year of the Buck, you know.

So I guess I accomplished about 50% of what I set out for myself, which isn't too bad considering the ones I excelled at were the most important and life changing ones. Hey, change is good. I'll take what I can get.

Okay. On to 2007. I've given this a lot of thought and decided to keep it super simple this year. Focused is key. So I wrote this up on the train yesterday.

The areas I will focus on in 2007 are:

1. Health
2. Work

And that is all.

Or more specifically:

HEALTH

1) Diet
a. Drink lots of water
b. Eat breakfast
c. Control portions
d. Nutrition & balance

2) Fitness
a. Walk everywhere, every day
b. Strength exercise consistently
c. Find an activity (or activities) that you enjoy and participate regularly (dancing, swimming, tennis, ?)

3) Mental
a. Yoga
b. Meditation
c. Sleep

WORK

1) Get organized & stay organized
2) Declutter and maintain
3) Plan and follow through
4) Focus and maintain focus
5) Get ahead of the workload and stay out in front
6) Develop time-saving and productive work habits

So, there you go. That's my focus for 2007. What's yours? Do you have a plan?

Mood: fantastic! the handyman guy just said I don't look a day over 28 :-D yes, he's too kind
Drinking: nothing, but I could if I wanted to
Listening To: Call Me When You're Sober, Evanescence
Hair: long and stringy

Call Me When You're Sober

This is me, up early, so not ready to leave later today. It's difficult to pack a work life for so many days away, without the aid of a laptop . . . or even a computer at the other end at all. Challenging. Oh well. I'm not complaining. Finally! I'm going to get a little bit of Christmas!

This Evanescence song grows on me. (See post title.) At first I didn't really care for it, but I'm coming around.

So I switched to the new blogger . . . need to fix my template, update my profile, etc. I lost some stuff. Well, it's around, not lost, just not visible.

Watched the movie 8 Mile on Much Music last night. I had never seen it before. It's not the same seeing it on Much because it's highly censored for kids viewing. It was okay. Typical. But okay.

How to pack? That is the question at hand. The last of the clothes spin in the dryer. Gifts are already all packed. Have been for a week. I'm kinda sorta organized. Kinda. Sorta.

Got a Christmas card from my almost mother-in-law in Toronto. My other family. Now an angel looks down upon me from the top of my monitor. I sent them a card in the great Christmas mailing of 2006. And a copy of BnM's first issue. I've never found another family to attach myself to, that I felt like one of. Many mothers wanted me nowhere near their sons. I've missed having contact with them while I had my breakdown and sorted myself out. So I was glad to hear from them. I owe this family so much, relationship with the son aside. They took me in, treated me like one of their own. It was the best of times, the worst of times, but I can't even imagine what it would've been like if I hadn't gone there, didn't know them. If I had taken an apartment downtown, lord only knows what would've happened to me! No doubt about it, these are significant players in my life circle. They've been around the block with me more than once.

Mood: springing into action, groggily
Drinking: coffee, french roast, organic, with lots of cream
Listening To: Promiscuous Girl, Nelly Furtado
Hair: looks like i slept with a headband in and then took it out . . . oops!

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Last night I finally broke down and took some sinus meds before going to bed. Drowsy ones I found in my medicine chest. I woke up groggy (of course) and feeling like I must've slept until late afternoon (I didn't). I'm still groggy, yawning. I'm hoping the coffee will help. All week I've felt crappy. And the dreams last night! The frigging dreams! So much walking. And with Nick on a leash everywhere I went. We were at Grammie and Grandad's in the Rapids. Some sort of family gathering. But not concentrated like the reunion I went to this summer. More scattered. People hanging out with their people all over, from way back in the field to the shore. So you could be alone, you could walk around without everyone knowing. And there was some sort of crime that had gone on, like a theft I think. Someone had been robbed and a few of us knew who had done the robbing, knew it was family, but didn't want to say and rock the boat. Except someone did say. Someone wrote an anonymous note. And then I was asked to examine the note to see if I could identify the handwriting. And I could. I knew who wrote the note. But I pretended I didn't know so she wouldn't get in trouble (Trish, you owe me a thanks!) because they didn't believe what the note said, didn't believe they had been robbed by family, and were out to punish the note-writer for being cruel and stirring up trouble. It was an exhausting ordeal that ended with me and Sherry (and Nick on a leash) walking down the hill and heading out toward Blackville and then Barnettville and home. It's a long walk. I know because I've done it before (remember that, carol?) And with a dog on a leash . . . oh boy! Luckily the meds wore off some and I woke before we got too far.

Oh thank God! The coffee seems to kicking in and I'm shaking off the grog. Lots to do today in anticipation of tomorrow's leave-taking. I need to kick it into overdrive. I don't return until the 2nd. Blogging might not happen until I return. We shall see. Listening to Christmas music to try and get some spirit back. I had tons of spirit. Tons. Couldn't wait until the holiday. But I'm fading fast. The more I talk to the people there, the more I get sucked down into the negative vortex that is their exhaustion and worry. Sometimes I just feel like pulling a Cher, slapping everyone upside the head, "SNAP OUT OF IT!" Well not everyone, to be fair. One sister got what could be construed as some pretty bad news (though I choose to believe it's really a blessing in disguise) and she's okay, has a good attitude about it. That's one good thing about living here, maintaining my distance from the negativity, so it doesn't drag me down, so I don't feed into it.

There has been progress on that front in recent years. There's been some development. But in times of stress, old habits are all too easy to slip back into. That's the test I think. Can you keep the faith in times of stress? Furthermore, can you draw strength from your belief and use it to help you get through, to ease the burden of the stress? My family isn't there yet. Me neither. Mind you, it's gotta be pretty big before I run up against the wall. Money doesn't do it for me. The only thing that got me (I mean REALLY got me) in recent years was my nieces' diabetes. That got me. Not for very long. But I did get lost during that time. It was a shock. To come up against that wall and find myself blocked. I thought I was more evolved. Maybe I needed to experience that in order for evolution to continue?

Anyway, I may not be able to choose for everyone else to have a good time and enjoy the season, but I can choose for myself. So I'm choosing to have a good Christmas. And I'm hoping that attitude might be reflected back at me.

Mood: ok
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Here Comes Santa Claus, Gene Autry
Hair: ???

Ain't So Heavy

Stolen from Jenn.

What was your favorite movie in 2006?
If I had to pick just one, I'd say The Departed. But I also really liked Bon Cop, Bad Cop and Inside Man and of course, The Holiday.

What was your favorite book in 2006?
Not a big year for reading anything that wasn't in a magazine or in manuscript format, I'm afraid. Certainly didn't read any hot new releases. Actually, that's not true, I did read a couple, but nothing that I loved.

Are you richer or poorer?
Richer. Always richer.

Thinner or fatter?
The very same. Which on the one hand is a depressing plateau. But on the other hand . . . I lost a bunch of weight in 2005 and kept it off in 2006, so I'm not knocking maintenance.

What kept you sane this past year?
An unshakable belief in myself and my ability to deal with anything that happens.

Which personal accomplishment in 2006 are you most pleased with?
Number 2 from yesterday. The fact that this year I made real strides toward being the person I want to be.

What resolutions have you made for '07?
I haven't set my goals for the year yet. That's coming soon, along with an assessment of how well I did on the 2006 goals. I know I want to focus a lot on my list of 101 things.

Which bad habit are you most motivated to break?
Lack of physical activity/exercise in my lifestyle.

Which do you expect to keep?
If past years are any indication I'll go about 85% of the way.

What are you most looking forward to in 2007?
Moving again and seeing where that adventure leads me.

Mood: dozy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Who I Am, Rex Goudie
Hair: needs a trim and a dye job

10 Best Things That Happened to You This Year

Ok. Good stuff! Here we go!

1. The year started strong with a trip to Toronto where we lived like queens for a couple of days, visited old friends and attended a Bon Jovi concert.

2. This year I became a person who drinks water, eats breakfast more than half the time, rises earlier in the day, gets the trash to the curb every week, saves money, pays bills on time (or weeks before on time), kills creepy crawlies all by herself, keeps her inbox cleaned out, organizes her daily tasks and follows the plan . . . and much more. Yes, technically these are a bunch of things that should be listed separately. Perhaps I'm cheating. But they are all connected -- This year I made real strides to becoming a better person, the person I've always wanted to be.

3. In March I saw Sam Roberts in concert and he was fabulous!

4. Reading at the Ice House during Fredericton WFNB AGM.

5. Got my hair cut and returned to my naturally short inclinations.

6. Joined the McCann Group and made new creative friends.

7. BnM went into print production.

8. My list of 101 Things in 1001 Days.

9. Many emceeing opportunities arose (AGM, Cafe Poetry Reading, Side by Side)

10. Reconnected with roots and family, shared many good times with friends and family.

Mood: a little spaced out
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: keyboard clicks
Hair: in my eyes

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart

Sooner or later you're going to be inspired. You know who you are.

1) What was your very first job with a paycheck?
In my graduating year of high school I wrote a weekly column highlighting events at my school for the local community newspaper. They'd send me a cheque every two weeks or so for maybe $20. My first real out in the world job was at a pet store in Sherway Gardens. I worked with dogs mostly, which I loved. The manager was a big time asshole though. I did not stay there long.

2) Did you ever lose something really important to you?
I did. During a 10-month hiatus from Toronto spent mostly in the rip roaring rapids I lost my Goodnight Desdemona t-shirt that I got when I worked the stand during intermission for the Nightwood Theatre production of the play. I suspect it remained in the rapids. I also lost my hard cover copy of Stephen King's The Stand during that little jaunt. I can only hope he read it.

3) What is the best Christmas present you ever received?
Last year's wok is hard to top these days. Glassware is always good too.

4) Tell about a favorite "hang out" place for you and your friends when you were in high school.
Hmm . . . early teens we did the whole Herbie's Pool Hall thing . . . but I wouldn't call us regulars. Before there were cars we hung out at the Brook Hill, the turn or the end of the road. But that was all early high school (is it called middle school now?) like pre grade 10. Once the boys graduated, they got jobs and cars and that was pretty much it. We hung out quite a bit at my parent's house too. Everyone always did. My parents would rather have us party at home with them than out in a ditch someplace.

5) Name something that always brings a smile to your face.
Johnny Depp as Hunter S. Thompson in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. That movie cracks me, every time, without fail.

6) Choose one: Popcorn, Pizza, Pretzels, Peanuts, or Pasta.
Pizza

7) If you won a shopping spree, from which store would you want it to be?
Anywhere would be good . . . but maybe a department store that has a little bit of everything, like Sears or Zellers.

8) Which television show re-runs do you enjoy watching?
Friends, Fraser . . . Does Take Home Chef count?

9) About how many times per day do you check your email?
Good Lord! It's just constantly on (checking every minute I think) so when something comes in, I handle it. Or if I'm busy working on something else then I'll wait. I check it usually at least once an hour.

10) If you had the money to collect something really valuable, what would it be?
Art

Mood: fantastic
Drinking: chai tea
Listening To: Try a Little Tenderness, Michael Buble
Hair: fluffy

Something

One time I worked with this guy who was very Joey-like (Matt LeBlanc's character from Friends). He was Italian and had that "How you doin'?" smile thing going on. So frigging cute! He was one of the junior techies, hardware not software. You didn't call him when your computer got the blue screen of death but they might send him out to assess the problem with the roll of paper in the fax machine or to pull the back off your tower and look at all the wires and chips. He was built like Joey. Thick through the shoulders and chest, strong legs, ample butt. He worked out. One dimple when he smiled. Great smile. He kinda looked like a cross between Josh Hartnett and Ashton Kutcher in the face. Boyish. Very good looking. He was young. I remember thinking he was young and now I'm wondering how I could've thought that considering I wouldn't have been more than 24 myself at the time. What was he? 21? It's funny I can't remember his name now, maybe something short like Mark or Kurt or . . . Will? No, definitely not Will. Maybe it was Matt or Mike, I'm getting an em sound off him.

So the guy was drop dead gorgeous. And he knew it. But he didn't want to be just another pretty boy. He struggled with being taken seriously, which was quite the struggle really because quite honestly he was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. And we had some pretty sharp tech geeky knives in our drawer! So he struggled. We weren't really friends. Well, I didn't think of him as a friend, though now I'm remembering lunches and bars and all these things we did as a small group of co-workers/friends and he was there. I felt bad for him because so much of the conversation would seem to go over his head. He would just nod and smile and you could see the cogs turning in his brain, the faraway look in his eyes as he searched for understanding. I often wondered if someone, his family or a teacher or girlfriend or someone, had told him he was stupid, that thank god he had a beautiful body because that was all he had going for him. Because he seemed like was trying to prove something to someone, himself, the world. I always wondered about that.

The gay guys in the office (and for some reason over 50% of this office were homosexual, which wasn't unusual in arts places I worked but didn't seem to be norm at any other tech place I worked) loved him. They would hang around my desk so we could ogle his behind together when he came out to use the photocopier. He was not homophobic. He didn't get uptight at the ogling, just embarrassed. He would blush when the boys got too verbal with their teasing. He wasn't gay though. Well, if he was, he wasn't openly. He was openly dating a plethora of beautiful and exotic looking women. I never saw him with the same girl twice. I never saw him with a white girl.

So we would go out after work, a half dozen of us or so. Dinner downtown or on the Danforth and then club hopping if we were downtown or dancing and darts at our favourite watering hole if we were on the Danforth. I was not interested in this gorgeous boy, (I was actually carrying on a not-so-discreet affair with one of the office accountants) but I was curious about him. And I've always wondered why I was so curious about him. Finally, I think I've figured it out. Why I watched him then. Why I remember him still. I think he's the best looking person I've ever known. I think he was the most handsome man I've ever seen in real life. I observed him with the curiosity of a freak show patron. I had never seen anything like him before in my life and I wondered what made him tick. He was not bright or witty enough to be anywhere near my type. And I didn't get the feeling that he would be much fun in bed, just too good looking to have to try. I had no desires upon him whatsoever in that boy/girl way, and yet I found him fascinating. Because he seemed to be struggling so much to be taken seriously. Because he seemed to be so easily hurt by the playful ribbing of co-workers. Because he knew he was gorgeous, but that wasn't what he wanted--he wanted to be smart.

I didn't know it at the time, but I was collecting him for future use. Someday this boy will show up in one of my stories.

Mood: nostalgic
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: white noise
Hair: my dye isn't permanent :-(

Cruisin'

More Meme. Why not? You could do it too . . .

Crushes
1) Who was your first crush? (Celebrity or average)

My first celebrity crush was Elvis Presley. I loved him! I remember his movies were on every afternoon. I watched them all. I dreamed about growing up and marrying Elvis. I was devastated the day he died. I remember sitting at the coffee table in the living room eating breakfast when the news came on Canada A.M. It was terrible. I cried. Mom helped me cut the news story from the paper to keep forever. I seem to have misplaced my boxes of things I was supposed to keep forever. But it was still there in the early 1990's. My first average crush happened in the first grade. Kendall Crawford. Gawd! He was adorable. The cutest little boy, dark hair and eyes, dimples, big smile. Of course, I was the Amazon Woman-child. Really tall. Pudgy. Painfully shy. With that long blonde hair down to my bum. I worshipped him from afar. I remember the day of the Christmas pageant I went into the washroom to change from my everyday clothes into my good blue pantsuit and as I was coming out he was running around the corner and crashed into me. He said he was sorry and then stopped and looked at me and it was like the first time he'd ever seen me and he said I looked really nice. I thought I'd die! He moved away after grade one and I never saw him again, but that little comment sustained me through all of elementary school when I felt very much the ugly duckling.

2) Who do you currently have a crush on now?
Every boy I see! lol Just kidding. Kinda. Hey, there are a lot of fine looking, athletic, well educated young gentlemen roaming around these parts. I'm only human. I don't have any average life crushes at the moment, tho I've got a feeling in my gut. I've had it for a couple of weeks now. It could be nothing . . . but I have this nagging feeling of excitement that I'm going to meet someone new soon. Someone substantial. Not just a passing crush. We shall see. My big celebrity crushes are the usual suspects Cillian Murphy, Matt Damon . . . but recently I've also gone nuts for Gale Harold and Timothy Olyphant. Yeah, that tall, lean, dark haired thing of my youth resurfaces. Blonde boys might be passe . . . finally!

3) Have you ever become so obsessed with a crush, you went to extreme measures to find out everything about him/her?
Oh god yes! I've been insane at times. I mean certifiable. Not recently, mind you, but definitely in my 20's I was a crazy woman most of the time.

4) Has your crush ever turned out to be your future girlfriend/boyfriend?
Absolutely. I had a crazy crush on Kevin when I moved to Toronto (even from before I moved there, from years earlier when I visited). I was so smitten! And I never dreamed that he'd ever give me more than a passing glance. He was so much older and unavailable and experienced and good looking and just cool. The first kiss was drop dead shocking. The dawning realization that it wasn't just about sex, that we were having a relationship, equally shocking. I don't think I ever really believed I deserved him. I think that's the only one where I clearly had a crush before we got together. Well, except for Ronnie. I was crushing on Ronnie a bit before we got together. The others were all crushing on me before I realized they existed or it was a mutual spontaneous combustion thing. Ronnie and Kevin, hah! I need to stay away from that family!

5) Did a best friend ever turn into more than just a friend?
Ahh, this is complicated . . . kinda? Not really? I dunno. I've only had a couple of best friends who were guys and . . . well, it's complicated. Yes, it seems to always turn into something, but what exactly? I dunno, not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. One guy friend in particular, we had a very up and down explosive sort of friendship/sex thing but never a relationship. We should have had a relationship. We might have been good together. We might have brought out good things in one another. We understood one another. We were both players. He wanted more. By the time I came around to that though, he was gone. Story of my life. Bad timing.

6) In what year did your life change the most?
2000. No doubt about it. I entered an intense period of personal development and change beginning day one of 2000 when I threw up all over the floor in a stranger's bathroom. That was it for me. I had been slowing down somewhat in the latter part of the year 1999, but New Year's Day of the new millennium was like hitting the brick wall. I stopped for the first time to ask myself why I was doing this? What did I want? Why wasn't I doing that instead?

7) Who is the person you most wanted to have a relationship with but didn't?
Easy. Major crush in the 12th grade. He was only in Grade 10. We were in a play together. I was nuts about him. NUTS! I practically stalked the guy. I took him into my dorm room at the drama festival. I showed up at the Catholic Hall dances I had long since given up in favour of the bar scene. We had some great times, some fun times, lots of good talks. But nothing ever happened. He admitted years later that he was intimidated by me, regretted missed opportunities. But still nothing happened, timing was off. I get weak in the knees every time I see him to this frigging day. It's insane. He's married with kids now, though. I believe happily. No more opportunities there . . . though there's a tiny part of me that thinks maybe one day the timing will be right . . . and there's another part that thinks it's so much better this way, never destroying the fantasy I've built up in my mind.

8) What is the one thing you have most envied in a sibling?
Their ability to accept responsibility and trust others.

9) What is the best thing you've ever gotten for free?
Umm . . . I can't remember all the things I've gotten for free . . . but how about that years worth of movie tickets! That was pretty cool!

10) What was the hardest secret you've ever had to keep?
Still keeping it. One person knows. Actually it's not that hard to keep. Keeping it is way easier than letting it fly. I'm good at secrets. In a way I let it all hang out, but in another way I keep things very close to my chest. My tongue gets looser the further I get from things. Thus I'm able to talk now about things that happened 10 years ago, when nobody knew what was going on at the time.

Mood: hungry
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Smile, Harry Connick
Hair: blah

Sunny Side of the Street

I'm really sick. No denying it. I can barely talk, my voice is so hoarse. Luckily, I have nobody to talk with, so no worries. I'm so puffy that my eyes are little Asian slits, which is an interesting look for me of the big baby blues. And I'm sneezing. Lots and lots of sneezing. Which may be a good thing, maybe that ache in my chest will loosen up and come out now.

Yesterday I watched movies, drank wine and wrapped Christmas presents. Hmm, if you were a single wine drinking girl wrapping gifts during the holiday season, what movie would you watch? . . . Yep! You guessed it. I started the evening with the best single wine drinking girl holiday film of all times, Bridget Jones' Diary, the original, not the sequel. I followed that up with the Nancy Meyers classic, Something's Gotta Give, which isn't really a holiday film though it does have a snowing scene in Paris. I finished out the night with John Cusack and High Fidelity, which again is not a holiday film but all that introspective soul searching he does fits as the new year approaches and I get ready to take stock of 2006 and set new goals for 2007. And the music is awesome and I am in love with a funny little man named Jack Black, so there you go.

Presents are all wrapped and packed in my big suitcase. It took hours of wrestling with the zipper in order to get them all in there. So I guess I'm taking more than one case on this trip. It's not that I have so many things, it's just board games and things take up a lot of room. But that's it. I'm done. A trip to the local liquor store and Sobey's upon arrival in Miramichi Saturday night and I'm good to go.

Trouble sleeping last night. Noises in the walls . . . in my bedroom! Oh boy. I don't know what it is. I don't know where it's coming from. Drives me crazy. I am so moving out of this place! Done like dinner. So then I ended up turning on the tv and hoping it would lull me into sleep. Of course not. I watched Autumn in New York with Richard Gere and Winona Ryder. I don't think I've ever seen it before in its entirety. Kinda sad. Especially after much wine and present wrapping. That started the waterworks, massive crying jag. 6am before I finally settled in. I don't think all the non-drowsy sinus meds of yesterday helped. Today, I'm trying to function without them. So maybe I won't be up all night again tonight.

I'm feeling a little Love Actually coming on for tonight. I do enjoy Hugh Grant. And that's a good holiday film. Also will no doubt induce a crying jag though, so I'll have to wait and see if I'm up for that two nights in a row. Definitely need to get some hot fluids into me and rest. Being sick this week is not an option. Lots to do.

Mood: tired
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Our Love is Here to Stay, Harry Connick Jr.
Hair: needing to be laundered . . . i wish i could send it out

2am

He likes anorexic girls because they don't menstruate. It's a theory. Came to me in a serial-killer-on-the-loose dream. He hated menstruation. Like a trip into the dark ages, brown paper wrapping, hidden and undiscussed, certainly no sex during. I may have been borderline anorexic, I don't know for sure. I never thought of it as anorexic really. Sometimes I didn't eat for days. Sometimes we didn't have much food and I gave the boys my share. But I was never hungry. I only ate when I felt hunger, or when I felt like I would faint if I didn't. Mostly when I felt weak and couldn't function, because I never felt hungry.

I didn't think of it as purposefully starving myself. My face looks skeletal in some pictures, hollowed out, black holes around my eye sockets, teeth jutting from my chin. Dead woman walking. My hairdresser said she'd never seen such a skinny neck on someone before. I've never forgotten that, to this day encircling my neck with my fingers to see if it's normal or too skinny. My fingers touch. That's normal, isn't it? I went out to a birthday dinner with my family and many who hadn't seen me in a few months were shocked and appalled by my jutting bones. I didn't see it when I looked in the mirror. In the mirror I saw a fat girl, a girl who didn't need to eat. The last time I weighed myself, I weighed 108 pounds. I know I went lower. I can't imagine what that looked like. Is that the story the photos tell?

I may have been anorexic, but I never stopped menstruating. True it was hardly the hassle it's become, it came and went quickly and without incident. I've been thinking all the pain and ordeal of late is because I'm getting older, but the dream reminds me of ana and I see nothing was as it should have been then. I might not have thought of it as anorexic, but what else do you call voluntary starvation because you feel fat?

I sent Christmas cards this year. I mailed Christmas cards to everyone I had an address for--dozens of people--and I did it the first week of December like all the books say to do. It is the first time ever that I've had my head on straight enough to reach out to family and friends and just say, "Hey, Merry Christmas." I'm not brooding. I'm not worried. I'm not wondering why my life's in the shitter or where HE is or what comes next. I'm at peace. I have a pretty good idea of where I'm going and I'm excited by whatever happens. I'm okay. I mean really truly okay. I'm even looking forward to New Year's Eve. And I don't care that I won't have a special someone to hug and kiss and gaze into my eyes with all the promise of 2007. I've never looked forward to New Year's Eve more. Or the holidays in general. I want to visit. I want to connect. I want to celebrate--eat, drink and be merry. I want to laugh until the tears stream down my face. More than anything I want to laugh. I need to laugh.

It's been a long road, many bumps, some crashes into the ditch, but I'm here still and I'm happy and I've never felt more like I can handle anything that comes my way.

Mood: fine
Drinking: apple juice & coffee with skim
Listening To: OK, Mutemath
Hair: when did my hair get so feather-like soft?

Stronger Than Me

No luck with the boys and bars stories. I appear to be having temporary memory and creativity lapse. Hopefully only temporary. Perhaps I do need to blog with merlot. Writers' meeting last night. Was good. Cheesecake! Yummy! And wine. Always good. I'm beat. I mean BEAT! So tired. I did get up a bit earlier this morning than yesterday, but just. Scratchy sore throat. Stuffed up nose. Last night I watched Hotel Rwanda. I hadn't seen it before. It's so insane, that whole thing. Disturbing. I try to think what was I doing then that I didn't notice this happening in the world? Was I watching OJ run away in his white bronco? Was I too drunk to notice? Did I see and not care? I can't remember. I know it didn't impact me at the time. It does now. Such terrible things happen in the world. People do such horrendous things to one another. Why does there have to be so much hate?

Mood: puzzled
Drinking: coffee, French Roast, black
Listening To: Say It Right, Nelly Furtado
Hair: greasy still, from too much product

It Don't Matter

While I think of stories of boys and bars, another meme to kill some time.

1. Flip to page 18, paragraph 4 - in the book closest to you right now, what does it say?"Marcus, this is very difficult for me, as I'm sure you understand." Muriella Pent, Russell Smith

2. If you stretch out your left arm as far as possible, what are you touching? Nothing. I got air on both sides.

3. What’s the last program you watched on TV? Two and a Half Men, late last night on Global

4. Without looking, guess what time it is. 1:35pm - close! It's actually 1:39pm

5. Aside from the computer, what can you hear right now? Knock on Wood, Amy Stewart on iTunes

6. When was the last time you were outside and what did you do? Monday afternoon went to Sears, Post Office, and Save-Easy.

7. What are you wearing? Crocs, grey pj bottoms, lilac tank, brown sweater

8. Did you dream last night? If you did, what about? Of course I did! Two very long detailed dreams where I was in a competition like the Amazing Race . . . but not the Amazing Race.

9. When was the last time you laughed? Umm, definitely Sunday night at Dessert Theatre, but probably Monday night during The Family Stone . . . I think I was too sleepy to have laughed during Two and a Half Men last night.

10. What’s on the walls in the room you’re in right now? Not much. Slanted roof. Some framed pictures of Italy.

11. Have you seen anything strange lately? I'm sure I have, but I can't seem to recall anything at the moment.

12. What do you think about this meme? it's okay

13. What’s the last film you saw? The Family Stone on DVD, The Holiday in theatre

14. If you became a multimillionaire, what would you do with the money? Take care of my family and travel

15. Tell us something about yourself that most people don’t know. Well that's tough. On the one hand I feel like I'm an open book, on the other hand a co-worker of many years just realized I have a sense of humour the other day. So, there you go. Most people probably don't know that I've tried to kill myself several times. Some cries for help. One super serious attempt. Well, I have. And yes, I'm better now. It all worked out for the best.

16. If you could change ONE THING in this world, without regarding politics or bad guilt, what would it be? All people would be equal regardless of sex, race, or sexual orientation.

17. Do you like dancing? I do, but other than private dancing to iTunes, I haven't been in quite some time.

18. George W. Bush? He's just the puppet.

19. What do you want your children’s names to be, girl/boy? Hah! No kids. Characters are like kids though. Callum is my baby.

20. Would you ever consider living abroad? Totally!

21. What do you want God to tell you, when you come to heaven? "What took you so long?"

22. Who should do this meme? anyone who wants

Mood: meme-like
Drinking: coffee (have you noticed my blogging with merlot is on the decline?)
Listening To: Where is the love? Black Eyed Peas featuring Justin Timberlake
Hair: greasy again! it's my new putty, it's greasy stuff

Music Is the Victim

Am returned from yet another whirlwind weekend. Arrived in Miramichi on time Friday evening. The closer it got to time to leave on Friday afternoon, the more I felt sick and sleepy and achy and just wanting to curl into the fetal and hide. Spent the train ride semi-snoozing and trying to get my spirits up. Arrived on time, feeling somewhat better or at least able to sufficiently fake it. Stacy picked me up and we went to the Rodd for the Enterprise Miramichi Xmas do. Neither one of us were in the mood for such things though, so we didn't stay long. Went to Zellers in search of things on Stacy's list and killing time until our movie started.

Saw The Holiday with Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jack Black, and Jude Law and it was FABULOUS! It's the best feel-good holiday movie I've seen in a long time. I'm really starting to like Nancy Meyers' films. She also did Something's Gotta Give with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. Go see The Holiday! It's fun!

Saturday morning I was up early and ready to go to the office for a BnM meeting. We didn't leave real early though because Stacy's Christmas tree fell down and she needed to take care of that. Still, we had an agenda and stuff so we got a lot done in our meeting. Then it was off to lunch at the Rodd where I had the first fish 'n chip I've had in forever! (Yeah, I'm bringing the white meats & fish back into my repertoire.) It was really, really good! I was surprised. The last fish I had at the Rodd was undercooked . . . so much so that I actually complained to the waitress . . . only to have her say "that's just the way we do it on the miramichi" as if I were some sort of tourist who knew nothing about fish 'n chips. Duh! Anyway, bygones, they did a good job this time. After lunch it was more shopping to kill time until the Mighty staff party.

First we gathered at the Mighty homestead for a drink before heading to the Bull & Lyre Pub. Everyone had lasagna & caesar salad. Except for a couple of us who preferred nachos. The nachos were really great. And everyone raved about the lasagna and salad too. Several glasses of wine. A Yankee Swap where I snagged the only bottle of red. And entertainment provided by Johhny Newman's jazz band. They were awesome! And completely looked the part too with their jackets and ties and the microphone that looked like something right out of the 30's. I wanted to take them home with me. Had to call Jenn and let her listen in. It was a really good time. Embarrassing as well as Johnny pulled me onto an empty dance floor with him. The man is tres cool . . . and well . . . I am NOT! Great evening. Much, much, much, better than the usual curling party (that I've only attended once and managed to avoid every other year). We had planned on christening the new Irish pub in Chatham this year, but they couldn't get up and running in time. Another day for them.

Sunday morning I finally got to sleep late. Woke by The Missus in the hall yelling, "Grammie! Didn't you hear me come in?!" Later that evening we all went to see Sherry in a play. Dessert Theatre. I could've done without the dessert/round table part. Would've preferred straight forward seating, one intermission for stretching. It was not as good as I had hoped. There were some really good parts though, some funny lines. In particular, the guy who played a character inspired by Randall from Clerks was brilliant, and another guy did some fantastic accents, and all the singing was really good. But they had this rotating stage in the middle of the room that was terrible. If it hadn't rotated so everyone was hanging on for dear life or jerking and looking like they were about to be tossed off onto the floor and rumbling louder than a train locomotive, then yeah, a second stage could've worked. If the lights didn't blind half the room. Then perhaps . . . I had problems hearing some of the people on the front stage, and I was in the second row. So, I don't know what it would be like at the back. There didn't seem to be enough action. It was kinda boring overall. Too serious. Very predictable. I know the writer and I couldn't help but wonder if he had been given free rein what he might have come up with, because he had some really good stuff in there. The amount of research and work he put into it as it was, was pretty impressive. What was crazy impressive though is the amount of people involved! Wow! A huge ensemble cast! I gotta give them props for that. My sister said the first night they did it was better . . . I'm just not into the whole "make you cry" at christmas thing. Christmas can be sad enough on its own, if you want to dwell on the people you won't be sharing it with this year. Something feel good, inspiring, funny . . . that's more my speed. Holiday themed stuff is hard though, difficult to pull off something original. I'm looking forward to seeing them do more stuff though.

Came home yesterday. Watched The Family Stone last night. Not as good as The Holiday, but it was okay.

Mood: fuzzy
Drinking: coffee with skim, cran-raspberry juice, water
Listening To: Move Along, The All American Rejects
Hair: greying bad

Comfortably Numb

Yesterday, a winter wonderland. Today, grey, dull, rain, and joints seized in the night. Blah. And the dreams continue. Frustrating as hell, the one looping through all night last night. Road trip. Me, Sherry, Gary, Mom, and the kids. Going someplace near Alma, but not Alma. Part of the frustration for me was that nobody brought a map and I really, really wanted to see one. I like maps. I'm a road map kinda girl. So the absence of one in the dream was as hellish as it would be in real life. I had been to this place before though, a few times, with Stacy. In real life that'd be enough, map be damned! I would know the lay of the land having been there before. But of course in the dream nothing seemed really familiar.

We stopped in a small park just off the side of the highway. To eat. To stretch our legs. To try and figure out where the hell we were going. There was a lake. A red car with four young boys crashed through a guardrail and went into the lake. Seconds of silence and inaction then Sherry called 9-1-1 (they already knew), Anna and Paulina fell into the lake, I went in after them, the boys managed to get their car out of the lake and drunkenly drove away, blood and water gushing out behind them.

We packed the car and continued, but as we started to go onto the highway where the boys in their drowned red car had gone I started to have a panic attack, like something bad was going to happen, like a premonition of an accident. We pulled to the shoulder. I hyperventilated. Finally calmed down and told myself it was just a reaction to seeing the boys' crash. In real life I never talk myself out of listening to my gut anymore. Not since I saw my dog get struck by a car, in my mind, told myself I was foolish, then watched the scene play out in real life moments later. Maybe I could've stopped it, maybe not. But I didn't even try, dismissed it as being not real. I was 12 years old. And I've never ignored or dismissed a feeling since.

But in the dream I calmed down and we continued. We ended up driving through a run-down small down. There were young people on the streets everywhere, drunk, stoned, dirty, with open sores and greasy hair and rotten teeth. Girls scantily clad in group sex situations with boys. They looked high. Dangerous. Hungry. I remembered this place, kind of, but it seemed like it had gotten a lot worse since the last time I'd driven through. We rounded a corner that was supposed to take us out and back to the highway, but instead it dead-ended into a brick wall. No way out.

I won't go into the whole thing, it's the typical stuck in a town of freaks horror movie. They steal everything off the car rendering it useless when we get out to ask someone at the local hotel for directions. Gary leaves on foot to go for help because we can't get our cell phones to work. That sort of thing.

All night this went on! This paired with my flaming arthritis du jour, makes for a very sleepy and kinda cranky kel. Oh well. Lots to do. Leaving for the chi tomorrow.

Mood: yawn
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Do It, Nelly Furtado
Hair: something in the works maybe

Grown-Up Christmas List

I woke at 6 this morning. On my own. No alarm. So I got up. I think it was the moon. The moon had come around and was shining into my window, into my bedroom, onto me. As always, sleeping in moon rays, I dreamed of dead people in mirrors and confessions of crimes against them. This time it was a young woman with long golden hair, kinda curly, hanging in ringlets around her shoulders. She wore a green print dress, sleeveless, empire waist, cut at the knee. She looked calm, but tired. Someone was taking me through a house, hoping I would see the spirits there. An older home, white walls, railings and banisters. It was upstairs in a bedroom with a pile of dirty clothes on the floor that I saw the woman. She was standing behind me while I looked in the mirror and described her to the person who had taken me there. It was only after I started to get into the description of what I thought had happened to her that I realized I couldn't see myself in the mirror, just the ghost woman. A little flutter of panic and I quickly woke. A bit disturbed. So I got up. Turned on lights. Made coffee. Now, maybe I'll have eggs and fried tomatoes . . . or pancakes. I made cream cheese scones last night . . . they are more like sugar cookies. Still, they are not hideous.

Another meme for the season. Ten things you love about the holidays:

1. The Christmas Tree
2. Carols Piped into the Street
3. Houses Lit Up at Night
4. Christmas Eve Celebration at my parent's house
5. Seeing the kids open gifts
6. Buying presents for people
7. Spending time with family and friends doing things like playing board games that we might not take time for all year round
8. Snow!
9. Getting all dressed up to celebrate
10. Cooking, Bartending for family/ watching movies with my mom
    

Mood: cheery, tho a bit tired
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Knock on Wood, Amy Stewart
Hair: darkening up by the weekend

Filthy & Gorgeous

Today I've got the winter wonderland I've been waiting for! Yay! I can't wait to put on my boots and go walking! The Scissor Sisters make me happy. But I've no time to think really so . . . yes, it's another meme!

Music Meme (pass it on)

Three Christmas Songs that get you in the holiday spirit:
1. Christmas Song, Alvin & The Chipmunks
2. All I Want For Christmas is You, Mariah Carey
3. White Christmas, Bing Crosby

Top 5 songs that make you feel like celebrating:

This is hard. So many. So much depends on my mood du jour.
1. Beautiful Day, U2
2. God Save the Queen, Sex Pistols
3. China Girl, David Bowie
4. Pump It, Black Eyed Peas
5. Captain Crash & The Beauty Queen, Bon Jovi

Three artists who warm you up when it's cold outside:
How about more than three?
1. Sam Roberts & Matt Mays
2. Bono & Jon Bon
3. The Killers

Mood: light
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: There's A Girl, The Ditty Bops
Hair: really cut well

Where Am I Going?

I hoped I would wake to a winter wonderland, but no such luck. Haven't even had any rain, the snowfall warning is over, ditto for the winter storm watch . . . and all I'm left with is the promise of freezing rain around noon. Oh well. It's going to be a good day. A great week. Never mind that I overslept and did not get up when my alarm went off. No matter. I remain optimistic.

Heading to the Chi on Friday again. Christmas partying straight off the train no doubt. Likely bnm meetings on Saturday. Dessert Theatre with family on Sunday, where I'll finally get to see my sister's amateur theatre group in action. Busy weekend. Hopefully there'll be time to relax somewhere in there. Back to Bagtown on Monday for another couple weeks before I head to the river for Christmas.

I feel excited today. Happy. I think elated might be the word. This print bnm thing is pretty stressful by times. But it's a good kind of stress, it's the kind of deadline/editorial pressure cooker type stress that kept me in journalism after I realized their task was to beat the creativity out of me and reprogram my writing mind. I liken Ryerson to army boot camp. It felt like they took away everything, stripped us bare, so they could rebuild us the way they needed us to be. In the beginning I struggled, rebelled, hated it. They weren't about to bend to my will. They kicked me out. I took a year to cool off and then continued. This time I accepted my fate. Played their game. Allowed myself to be stripped and shaped. I emerged with a news mind, a nose for the scent of scandal . . . and no adjectives in my writing vocabulary. It would be 10 years before I discovered adjectives and adverbs again. Another five years before I re-learned how to use them. But now, I'm so thankful I went that route, because I think I have more skills than I would've otherwise.

But what was I saying before I got off on the Rye-High tangent . . . oh yeah! I'm having a good day, great week. Hope you are too.

Mood: elated

/ilaytid/

• adjective extremely happy and excited.
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Rehab, Amy Winehouse
Hair: really nice! no seriously, it's REALLY nice!

Beautiful Day

Bono makes me happy. I watched the whole convention yesterday. Totally sucked in, as always. Exciting stuff! I'd like to experience that one day. Be there. Followed the liberals with sappy holiday movies on women's television. Got no snow here. Saw pics from yesterday's santa claus parade in blackville. They've got snow. Something else for the plus side of moving north. I want some freaking snow!

Another meme:

Not counting the crust and the pizza sauce, come up with up to seven additional ingredients to make the perfect pizza.

1. cheese
2. pineapple
3. sun-dried tomatoes
4. portobello mushrooms
5. bell peppers
6. roasted garlic
7. red onions
   

Mood: happy
Drinking: costa rican coffee with skim milk
Listening To: Wind it Up, Gwen Stefani
Hair: transitioning

Liberal

I told myself I wasn't going to watch. I told myself it didn't really matter. I've got more important stuff to do. And I did . . . For a few hours. Then channel-surfing late last night I happened upon Bob Rae's speech . . . and that was it. I'm in. Politics, man. I try not to love it so much. But I just do.

Mood: on the edge of my seat
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: cbc
Hair: greasy