This is me, up early, so not ready to leave later today. It's difficult to pack a work life for so many days away, without the aid of a laptop . . . or even a computer at the other end at all. Challenging. Oh well. I'm not complaining. Finally! I'm going to get a little bit of Christmas!
This Evanescence song grows on me. (See post title.) At first I didn't really care for it, but I'm coming around.
So I switched to the new blogger . . . need to fix my template, update my profile, etc. I lost some stuff. Well, it's around, not lost, just not visible.
Watched the movie 8 Mile on Much Music last night. I had never seen it before. It's not the same seeing it on Much because it's highly censored for kids viewing. It was okay. Typical. But okay.
How to pack? That is the question at hand. The last of the clothes spin in the dryer. Gifts are already all packed. Have been for a week. I'm kinda sorta organized. Kinda. Sorta.
Got a Christmas card from my almost mother-in-law in Toronto. My other family. Now an angel looks down upon me from the top of my monitor. I sent them a card in the great Christmas mailing of 2006. And a copy of BnM's first issue. I've never found another family to attach myself to, that I felt like one of. Many mothers wanted me nowhere near their sons. I've missed having contact with them while I had my breakdown and sorted myself out. So I was glad to hear from them. I owe this family so much, relationship with the son aside. They took me in, treated me like one of their own. It was the best of times, the worst of times, but I can't even imagine what it would've been like if I hadn't gone there, didn't know them. If I had taken an apartment downtown, lord only knows what would've happened to me! No doubt about it, these are significant players in my life circle. They've been around the block with me more than once.
Mood: springing into action, groggily
Drinking: coffee, french roast, organic, with lots of cream
Listening To: Promiscuous Girl, Nelly Furtado
Hair: looks like i slept with a headband in and then took it out . . . oops!
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Last night I finally broke down and took some sinus meds before going to bed. Drowsy ones I found in my medicine chest. I woke up groggy (of course) and feeling like I must've slept until late afternoon (I didn't). I'm still groggy, yawning. I'm hoping the coffee will help. All week I've felt crappy. And the dreams last night! The frigging dreams! So much walking. And with Nick on a leash everywhere I went. We were at Grammie and Grandad's in the Rapids. Some sort of family gathering. But not concentrated like the reunion I went to this summer. More scattered. People hanging out with their people all over, from way back in the field to the shore. So you could be alone, you could walk around without everyone knowing. And there was some sort of crime that had gone on, like a theft I think. Someone had been robbed and a few of us knew who had done the robbing, knew it was family, but didn't want to say and rock the boat. Except someone did say. Someone wrote an anonymous note. And then I was asked to examine the note to see if I could identify the handwriting. And I could. I knew who wrote the note. But I pretended I didn't know so she wouldn't get in trouble (Trish, you owe me a thanks!) because they didn't believe what the note said, didn't believe they had been robbed by family, and were out to punish the note-writer for being cruel and stirring up trouble. It was an exhausting ordeal that ended with me and Sherry (and Nick on a leash) walking down the hill and heading out toward Blackville and then Barnettville and home. It's a long walk. I know because I've done it before (remember that, carol?) And with a dog on a leash . . . oh boy! Luckily the meds wore off some and I woke before we got too far.
Oh thank God! The coffee seems to kicking in and I'm shaking off the grog. Lots to do today in anticipation of tomorrow's leave-taking. I need to kick it into overdrive. I don't return until the 2nd. Blogging might not happen until I return. We shall see. Listening to Christmas music to try and get some spirit back. I had tons of spirit. Tons. Couldn't wait until the holiday. But I'm fading fast. The more I talk to the people there, the more I get sucked down into the negative vortex that is their exhaustion and worry. Sometimes I just feel like pulling a Cher, slapping everyone upside the head, "SNAP OUT OF IT!" Well not everyone, to be fair. One sister got what could be construed as some pretty bad news (though I choose to believe it's really a blessing in disguise) and she's okay, has a good attitude about it. That's one good thing about living here, maintaining my distance from the negativity, so it doesn't drag me down, so I don't feed into it.
There has been progress on that front in recent years. There's been some development. But in times of stress, old habits are all too easy to slip back into. That's the test I think. Can you keep the faith in times of stress? Furthermore, can you draw strength from your belief and use it to help you get through, to ease the burden of the stress? My family isn't there yet. Me neither. Mind you, it's gotta be pretty big before I run up against the wall. Money doesn't do it for me. The only thing that got me (I mean REALLY got me) in recent years was my nieces' diabetes. That got me. Not for very long. But I did get lost during that time. It was a shock. To come up against that wall and find myself blocked. I thought I was more evolved. Maybe I needed to experience that in order for evolution to continue?
Anyway, I may not be able to choose for everyone else to have a good time and enjoy the season, but I can choose for myself. So I'm choosing to have a good Christmas. And I'm hoping that attitude might be reflected back at me.
Mood: ok
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Here Comes Santa Claus, Gene Autry
Hair: ???
Oh thank God! The coffee seems to kicking in and I'm shaking off the grog. Lots to do today in anticipation of tomorrow's leave-taking. I need to kick it into overdrive. I don't return until the 2nd. Blogging might not happen until I return. We shall see. Listening to Christmas music to try and get some spirit back. I had tons of spirit. Tons. Couldn't wait until the holiday. But I'm fading fast. The more I talk to the people there, the more I get sucked down into the negative vortex that is their exhaustion and worry. Sometimes I just feel like pulling a Cher, slapping everyone upside the head, "SNAP OUT OF IT!" Well not everyone, to be fair. One sister got what could be construed as some pretty bad news (though I choose to believe it's really a blessing in disguise) and she's okay, has a good attitude about it. That's one good thing about living here, maintaining my distance from the negativity, so it doesn't drag me down, so I don't feed into it.
There has been progress on that front in recent years. There's been some development. But in times of stress, old habits are all too easy to slip back into. That's the test I think. Can you keep the faith in times of stress? Furthermore, can you draw strength from your belief and use it to help you get through, to ease the burden of the stress? My family isn't there yet. Me neither. Mind you, it's gotta be pretty big before I run up against the wall. Money doesn't do it for me. The only thing that got me (I mean REALLY got me) in recent years was my nieces' diabetes. That got me. Not for very long. But I did get lost during that time. It was a shock. To come up against that wall and find myself blocked. I thought I was more evolved. Maybe I needed to experience that in order for evolution to continue?
Anyway, I may not be able to choose for everyone else to have a good time and enjoy the season, but I can choose for myself. So I'm choosing to have a good Christmas. And I'm hoping that attitude might be reflected back at me.
Mood: ok
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Here Comes Santa Claus, Gene Autry
Hair: ???
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Ain't So Heavy
Stolen from Jenn.
What was your favorite movie in 2006?
If I had to pick just one, I'd say The Departed. But I also really liked Bon Cop, Bad Cop and Inside Man and of course, The Holiday.
What was your favorite book in 2006?
Not a big year for reading anything that wasn't in a magazine or in manuscript format, I'm afraid. Certainly didn't read any hot new releases. Actually, that's not true, I did read a couple, but nothing that I loved.
Are you richer or poorer?
Richer. Always richer.
Thinner or fatter?
The very same. Which on the one hand is a depressing plateau. But on the other hand . . . I lost a bunch of weight in 2005 and kept it off in 2006, so I'm not knocking maintenance.
What kept you sane this past year?
An unshakable belief in myself and my ability to deal with anything that happens.
Which personal accomplishment in 2006 are you most pleased with?
Number 2 from yesterday. The fact that this year I made real strides toward being the person I want to be.
What resolutions have you made for '07?
I haven't set my goals for the year yet. That's coming soon, along with an assessment of how well I did on the 2006 goals. I know I want to focus a lot on my list of 101 things.
Which bad habit are you most motivated to break?
Lack of physical activity/exercise in my lifestyle.
Which do you expect to keep?
If past years are any indication I'll go about 85% of the way.
What are you most looking forward to in 2007?
Moving again and seeing where that adventure leads me.
Mood: dozy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Who I Am, Rex Goudie
Hair: needs a trim and a dye job
What was your favorite movie in 2006?
If I had to pick just one, I'd say The Departed. But I also really liked Bon Cop, Bad Cop and Inside Man and of course, The Holiday.
What was your favorite book in 2006?
Not a big year for reading anything that wasn't in a magazine or in manuscript format, I'm afraid. Certainly didn't read any hot new releases. Actually, that's not true, I did read a couple, but nothing that I loved.
Are you richer or poorer?
Richer. Always richer.
Thinner or fatter?
The very same. Which on the one hand is a depressing plateau. But on the other hand . . . I lost a bunch of weight in 2005 and kept it off in 2006, so I'm not knocking maintenance.
What kept you sane this past year?
An unshakable belief in myself and my ability to deal with anything that happens.
Which personal accomplishment in 2006 are you most pleased with?
Number 2 from yesterday. The fact that this year I made real strides toward being the person I want to be.
What resolutions have you made for '07?
I haven't set my goals for the year yet. That's coming soon, along with an assessment of how well I did on the 2006 goals. I know I want to focus a lot on my list of 101 things.
Which bad habit are you most motivated to break?
Lack of physical activity/exercise in my lifestyle.
Which do you expect to keep?
If past years are any indication I'll go about 85% of the way.
What are you most looking forward to in 2007?
Moving again and seeing where that adventure leads me.
Mood: dozy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Who I Am, Rex Goudie
Hair: needs a trim and a dye job
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
10 Best Things That Happened to You This Year
Ok. Good stuff! Here we go!
1. The year started strong with a trip to Toronto where we lived like queens for a couple of days, visited old friends and attended a Bon Jovi concert.
2. This year I became a person who drinks water, eats breakfast more than half the time, rises earlier in the day, gets the trash to the curb every week, saves money, pays bills on time (or weeks before on time), kills creepy crawlies all by herself, keeps her inbox cleaned out, organizes her daily tasks and follows the plan . . . and much more. Yes, technically these are a bunch of things that should be listed separately. Perhaps I'm cheating. But they are all connected -- This year I made real strides to becoming a better person, the person I've always wanted to be.
3. In March I saw Sam Roberts in concert and he was fabulous!
4. Reading at the Ice House during Fredericton WFNB AGM.
5. Got my hair cut and returned to my naturally short inclinations.
6. Joined the McCann Group and made new creative friends.
7. BnM went into print production.
8. My list of 101 Things in 1001 Days.
9. Many emceeing opportunities arose (AGM, Cafe Poetry Reading, Side by Side)
10. Reconnected with roots and family, shared many good times with friends and family.
Mood: a little spaced out
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: keyboard clicks
Hair: in my eyes
1. The year started strong with a trip to Toronto where we lived like queens for a couple of days, visited old friends and attended a Bon Jovi concert.
2. This year I became a person who drinks water, eats breakfast more than half the time, rises earlier in the day, gets the trash to the curb every week, saves money, pays bills on time (or weeks before on time), kills creepy crawlies all by herself, keeps her inbox cleaned out, organizes her daily tasks and follows the plan . . . and much more. Yes, technically these are a bunch of things that should be listed separately. Perhaps I'm cheating. But they are all connected -- This year I made real strides to becoming a better person, the person I've always wanted to be.
3. In March I saw Sam Roberts in concert and he was fabulous!
4. Reading at the Ice House during Fredericton WFNB AGM.
5. Got my hair cut and returned to my naturally short inclinations.
6. Joined the McCann Group and made new creative friends.
7. BnM went into print production.
8. My list of 101 Things in 1001 Days.
9. Many emceeing opportunities arose (AGM, Cafe Poetry Reading, Side by Side)
10. Reconnected with roots and family, shared many good times with friends and family.
Mood: a little spaced out
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: keyboard clicks
Hair: in my eyes
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
How Can You Mend A Broken Heart
Sooner or later you're going to be inspired. You know who you are.
1) What was your very first job with a paycheck?
In my graduating year of high school I wrote a weekly column highlighting events at my school for the local community newspaper. They'd send me a cheque every two weeks or so for maybe $20. My first real out in the world job was at a pet store in Sherway Gardens. I worked with dogs mostly, which I loved. The manager was a big time asshole though. I did not stay there long.
2) Did you ever lose something really important to you?
I did. During a 10-month hiatus from Toronto spent mostly in the rip roaring rapids I lost my Goodnight Desdemona t-shirt that I got when I worked the stand during intermission for the Nightwood Theatre production of the play. I suspect it remained in the rapids. I also lost my hard cover copy of Stephen King's The Stand during that little jaunt. I can only hope he read it.
3) What is the best Christmas present you ever received?
Last year's wok is hard to top these days. Glassware is always good too.
4) Tell about a favorite "hang out" place for you and your friends when you were in high school.
Hmm . . . early teens we did the whole Herbie's Pool Hall thing . . . but I wouldn't call us regulars. Before there were cars we hung out at the Brook Hill, the turn or the end of the road. But that was all early high school (is it called middle school now?) like pre grade 10. Once the boys graduated, they got jobs and cars and that was pretty much it. We hung out quite a bit at my parent's house too. Everyone always did. My parents would rather have us party at home with them than out in a ditch someplace.
5) Name something that always brings a smile to your face.
Johnny Depp as Hunter S. Thompson in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. That movie cracks me, every time, without fail.
6) Choose one: Popcorn, Pizza, Pretzels, Peanuts, or Pasta.
Pizza
7) If you won a shopping spree, from which store would you want it to be?
Anywhere would be good . . . but maybe a department store that has a little bit of everything, like Sears or Zellers.
8) Which television show re-runs do you enjoy watching?
Friends, Fraser . . . Does Take Home Chef count?
9) About how many times per day do you check your email?
Good Lord! It's just constantly on (checking every minute I think) so when something comes in, I handle it. Or if I'm busy working on something else then I'll wait. I check it usually at least once an hour.
10) If you had the money to collect something really valuable, what would it be?
Art
Mood: fantastic
Drinking: chai tea
Listening To: Try a Little Tenderness, Michael Buble
Hair: fluffy
1) What was your very first job with a paycheck?
In my graduating year of high school I wrote a weekly column highlighting events at my school for the local community newspaper. They'd send me a cheque every two weeks or so for maybe $20. My first real out in the world job was at a pet store in Sherway Gardens. I worked with dogs mostly, which I loved. The manager was a big time asshole though. I did not stay there long.
2) Did you ever lose something really important to you?
I did. During a 10-month hiatus from Toronto spent mostly in the rip roaring rapids I lost my Goodnight Desdemona t-shirt that I got when I worked the stand during intermission for the Nightwood Theatre production of the play. I suspect it remained in the rapids. I also lost my hard cover copy of Stephen King's The Stand during that little jaunt. I can only hope he read it.
3) What is the best Christmas present you ever received?
Last year's wok is hard to top these days. Glassware is always good too.
4) Tell about a favorite "hang out" place for you and your friends when you were in high school.
Hmm . . . early teens we did the whole Herbie's Pool Hall thing . . . but I wouldn't call us regulars. Before there were cars we hung out at the Brook Hill, the turn or the end of the road. But that was all early high school (is it called middle school now?) like pre grade 10. Once the boys graduated, they got jobs and cars and that was pretty much it. We hung out quite a bit at my parent's house too. Everyone always did. My parents would rather have us party at home with them than out in a ditch someplace.
5) Name something that always brings a smile to your face.
Johnny Depp as Hunter S. Thompson in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. That movie cracks me, every time, without fail.
6) Choose one: Popcorn, Pizza, Pretzels, Peanuts, or Pasta.
Pizza
7) If you won a shopping spree, from which store would you want it to be?
Anywhere would be good . . . but maybe a department store that has a little bit of everything, like Sears or Zellers.
8) Which television show re-runs do you enjoy watching?
Friends, Fraser . . . Does Take Home Chef count?
9) About how many times per day do you check your email?
Good Lord! It's just constantly on (checking every minute I think) so when something comes in, I handle it. Or if I'm busy working on something else then I'll wait. I check it usually at least once an hour.
10) If you had the money to collect something really valuable, what would it be?
Art
Mood: fantastic
Drinking: chai tea
Listening To: Try a Little Tenderness, Michael Buble
Hair: fluffy
Something
One time I worked with this guy who was very Joey-like (Matt LeBlanc's character from Friends). He was Italian and had that "How you doin'?" smile thing going on. So frigging cute! He was one of the junior techies, hardware not software. You didn't call him when your computer got the blue screen of death but they might send him out to assess the problem with the roll of paper in the fax machine or to pull the back off your tower and look at all the wires and chips. He was built like Joey. Thick through the shoulders and chest, strong legs, ample butt. He worked out. One dimple when he smiled. Great smile. He kinda looked like a cross between Josh Hartnett and Ashton Kutcher in the face. Boyish. Very good looking. He was young. I remember thinking he was young and now I'm wondering how I could've thought that considering I wouldn't have been more than 24 myself at the time. What was he? 21? It's funny I can't remember his name now, maybe something short like Mark or Kurt or . . . Will? No, definitely not Will. Maybe it was Matt or Mike, I'm getting an em sound off him.
So the guy was drop dead gorgeous. And he knew it. But he didn't want to be just another pretty boy. He struggled with being taken seriously, which was quite the struggle really because quite honestly he was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. And we had some pretty sharp tech geeky knives in our drawer! So he struggled. We weren't really friends. Well, I didn't think of him as a friend, though now I'm remembering lunches and bars and all these things we did as a small group of co-workers/friends and he was there. I felt bad for him because so much of the conversation would seem to go over his head. He would just nod and smile and you could see the cogs turning in his brain, the faraway look in his eyes as he searched for understanding. I often wondered if someone, his family or a teacher or girlfriend or someone, had told him he was stupid, that thank god he had a beautiful body because that was all he had going for him. Because he seemed like was trying to prove something to someone, himself, the world. I always wondered about that.
The gay guys in the office (and for some reason over 50% of this office were homosexual, which wasn't unusual in arts places I worked but didn't seem to be norm at any other tech place I worked) loved him. They would hang around my desk so we could ogle his behind together when he came out to use the photocopier. He was not homophobic. He didn't get uptight at the ogling, just embarrassed. He would blush when the boys got too verbal with their teasing. He wasn't gay though. Well, if he was, he wasn't openly. He was openly dating a plethora of beautiful and exotic looking women. I never saw him with the same girl twice. I never saw him with a white girl.
So we would go out after work, a half dozen of us or so. Dinner downtown or on the Danforth and then club hopping if we were downtown or dancing and darts at our favourite watering hole if we were on the Danforth. I was not interested in this gorgeous boy, (I was actually carrying on a not-so-discreet affair with one of the office accountants) but I was curious about him. And I've always wondered why I was so curious about him. Finally, I think I've figured it out. Why I watched him then. Why I remember him still. I think he's the best looking person I've ever known. I think he was the most handsome man I've ever seen in real life. I observed him with the curiosity of a freak show patron. I had never seen anything like him before in my life and I wondered what made him tick. He was not bright or witty enough to be anywhere near my type. And I didn't get the feeling that he would be much fun in bed, just too good looking to have to try. I had no desires upon him whatsoever in that boy/girl way, and yet I found him fascinating. Because he seemed to be struggling so much to be taken seriously. Because he seemed to be so easily hurt by the playful ribbing of co-workers. Because he knew he was gorgeous, but that wasn't what he wanted--he wanted to be smart.
I didn't know it at the time, but I was collecting him for future use. Someday this boy will show up in one of my stories.
Mood: nostalgic
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: white noise
Hair: my dye isn't permanent :-(
So the guy was drop dead gorgeous. And he knew it. But he didn't want to be just another pretty boy. He struggled with being taken seriously, which was quite the struggle really because quite honestly he was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. And we had some pretty sharp tech geeky knives in our drawer! So he struggled. We weren't really friends. Well, I didn't think of him as a friend, though now I'm remembering lunches and bars and all these things we did as a small group of co-workers/friends and he was there. I felt bad for him because so much of the conversation would seem to go over his head. He would just nod and smile and you could see the cogs turning in his brain, the faraway look in his eyes as he searched for understanding. I often wondered if someone, his family or a teacher or girlfriend or someone, had told him he was stupid, that thank god he had a beautiful body because that was all he had going for him. Because he seemed like was trying to prove something to someone, himself, the world. I always wondered about that.
The gay guys in the office (and for some reason over 50% of this office were homosexual, which wasn't unusual in arts places I worked but didn't seem to be norm at any other tech place I worked) loved him. They would hang around my desk so we could ogle his behind together when he came out to use the photocopier. He was not homophobic. He didn't get uptight at the ogling, just embarrassed. He would blush when the boys got too verbal with their teasing. He wasn't gay though. Well, if he was, he wasn't openly. He was openly dating a plethora of beautiful and exotic looking women. I never saw him with the same girl twice. I never saw him with a white girl.
So we would go out after work, a half dozen of us or so. Dinner downtown or on the Danforth and then club hopping if we were downtown or dancing and darts at our favourite watering hole if we were on the Danforth. I was not interested in this gorgeous boy, (I was actually carrying on a not-so-discreet affair with one of the office accountants) but I was curious about him. And I've always wondered why I was so curious about him. Finally, I think I've figured it out. Why I watched him then. Why I remember him still. I think he's the best looking person I've ever known. I think he was the most handsome man I've ever seen in real life. I observed him with the curiosity of a freak show patron. I had never seen anything like him before in my life and I wondered what made him tick. He was not bright or witty enough to be anywhere near my type. And I didn't get the feeling that he would be much fun in bed, just too good looking to have to try. I had no desires upon him whatsoever in that boy/girl way, and yet I found him fascinating. Because he seemed to be struggling so much to be taken seriously. Because he seemed to be so easily hurt by the playful ribbing of co-workers. Because he knew he was gorgeous, but that wasn't what he wanted--he wanted to be smart.
I didn't know it at the time, but I was collecting him for future use. Someday this boy will show up in one of my stories.
Mood: nostalgic
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: white noise
Hair: my dye isn't permanent :-(
Monday, December 18, 2006
Cruisin'
More Meme. Why not? You could do it too . . .
Crushes
1) Who was your first crush? (Celebrity or average)
My first celebrity crush was Elvis Presley. I loved him! I remember his movies were on every afternoon. I watched them all. I dreamed about growing up and marrying Elvis. I was devastated the day he died. I remember sitting at the coffee table in the living room eating breakfast when the news came on Canada A.M. It was terrible. I cried. Mom helped me cut the news story from the paper to keep forever. I seem to have misplaced my boxes of things I was supposed to keep forever. But it was still there in the early 1990's. My first average crush happened in the first grade. Kendall Crawford. Gawd! He was adorable. The cutest little boy, dark hair and eyes, dimples, big smile. Of course, I was the Amazon Woman-child. Really tall. Pudgy. Painfully shy. With that long blonde hair down to my bum. I worshipped him from afar. I remember the day of the Christmas pageant I went into the washroom to change from my everyday clothes into my good blue pantsuit and as I was coming out he was running around the corner and crashed into me. He said he was sorry and then stopped and looked at me and it was like the first time he'd ever seen me and he said I looked really nice. I thought I'd die! He moved away after grade one and I never saw him again, but that little comment sustained me through all of elementary school when I felt very much the ugly duckling.
2) Who do you currently have a crush on now?
Every boy I see! lol Just kidding. Kinda. Hey, there are a lot of fine looking, athletic, well educated young gentlemen roaming around these parts. I'm only human. I don't have any average life crushes at the moment, tho I've got a feeling in my gut. I've had it for a couple of weeks now. It could be nothing . . . but I have this nagging feeling of excitement that I'm going to meet someone new soon. Someone substantial. Not just a passing crush. We shall see. My big celebrity crushes are the usual suspects Cillian Murphy, Matt Damon . . . but recently I've also gone nuts for Gale Harold and Timothy Olyphant. Yeah, that tall, lean, dark haired thing of my youth resurfaces. Blonde boys might be passe . . . finally!
3) Have you ever become so obsessed with a crush, you went to extreme measures to find out everything about him/her?
Oh god yes! I've been insane at times. I mean certifiable. Not recently, mind you, but definitely in my 20's I was a crazy woman most of the time.
4) Has your crush ever turned out to be your future girlfriend/boyfriend?
Absolutely. I had a crazy crush on Kevin when I moved to Toronto (even from before I moved there, from years earlier when I visited). I was so smitten! And I never dreamed that he'd ever give me more than a passing glance. He was so much older and unavailable and experienced and good looking and just cool. The first kiss was drop dead shocking. The dawning realization that it wasn't just about sex, that we were having a relationship, equally shocking. I don't think I ever really believed I deserved him. I think that's the only one where I clearly had a crush before we got together. Well, except for Ronnie. I was crushing on Ronnie a bit before we got together. The others were all crushing on me before I realized they existed or it was a mutual spontaneous combustion thing. Ronnie and Kevin, hah! I need to stay away from that family!
5) Did a best friend ever turn into more than just a friend?
Ahh, this is complicated . . . kinda? Not really? I dunno. I've only had a couple of best friends who were guys and . . . well, it's complicated. Yes, it seems to always turn into something, but what exactly? I dunno, not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. One guy friend in particular, we had a very up and down explosive sort of friendship/sex thing but never a relationship. We should have had a relationship. We might have been good together. We might have brought out good things in one another. We understood one another. We were both players. He wanted more. By the time I came around to that though, he was gone. Story of my life. Bad timing.
6) In what year did your life change the most?
2000. No doubt about it. I entered an intense period of personal development and change beginning day one of 2000 when I threw up all over the floor in a stranger's bathroom. That was it for me. I had been slowing down somewhat in the latter part of the year 1999, but New Year's Day of the new millennium was like hitting the brick wall. I stopped for the first time to ask myself why I was doing this? What did I want? Why wasn't I doing that instead?
7) Who is the person you most wanted to have a relationship with but didn't?
Easy. Major crush in the 12th grade. He was only in Grade 10. We were in a play together. I was nuts about him. NUTS! I practically stalked the guy. I took him into my dorm room at the drama festival. I showed up at the Catholic Hall dances I had long since given up in favour of the bar scene. We had some great times, some fun times, lots of good talks. But nothing ever happened. He admitted years later that he was intimidated by me, regretted missed opportunities. But still nothing happened, timing was off. I get weak in the knees every time I see him to this frigging day. It's insane. He's married with kids now, though. I believe happily. No more opportunities there . . . though there's a tiny part of me that thinks maybe one day the timing will be right . . . and there's another part that thinks it's so much better this way, never destroying the fantasy I've built up in my mind.
8) What is the one thing you have most envied in a sibling?
Their ability to accept responsibility and trust others.
9) What is the best thing you've ever gotten for free?
Umm . . . I can't remember all the things I've gotten for free . . . but how about that years worth of movie tickets! That was pretty cool!
10) What was the hardest secret you've ever had to keep?
Still keeping it. One person knows. Actually it's not that hard to keep. Keeping it is way easier than letting it fly. I'm good at secrets. In a way I let it all hang out, but in another way I keep things very close to my chest. My tongue gets looser the further I get from things. Thus I'm able to talk now about things that happened 10 years ago, when nobody knew what was going on at the time.
Mood: hungry
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Smile, Harry Connick
Hair: blah
Crushes
1) Who was your first crush? (Celebrity or average)
My first celebrity crush was Elvis Presley. I loved him! I remember his movies were on every afternoon. I watched them all. I dreamed about growing up and marrying Elvis. I was devastated the day he died. I remember sitting at the coffee table in the living room eating breakfast when the news came on Canada A.M. It was terrible. I cried. Mom helped me cut the news story from the paper to keep forever. I seem to have misplaced my boxes of things I was supposed to keep forever. But it was still there in the early 1990's. My first average crush happened in the first grade. Kendall Crawford. Gawd! He was adorable. The cutest little boy, dark hair and eyes, dimples, big smile. Of course, I was the Amazon Woman-child. Really tall. Pudgy. Painfully shy. With that long blonde hair down to my bum. I worshipped him from afar. I remember the day of the Christmas pageant I went into the washroom to change from my everyday clothes into my good blue pantsuit and as I was coming out he was running around the corner and crashed into me. He said he was sorry and then stopped and looked at me and it was like the first time he'd ever seen me and he said I looked really nice. I thought I'd die! He moved away after grade one and I never saw him again, but that little comment sustained me through all of elementary school when I felt very much the ugly duckling.
2) Who do you currently have a crush on now?
Every boy I see! lol Just kidding. Kinda. Hey, there are a lot of fine looking, athletic, well educated young gentlemen roaming around these parts. I'm only human. I don't have any average life crushes at the moment, tho I've got a feeling in my gut. I've had it for a couple of weeks now. It could be nothing . . . but I have this nagging feeling of excitement that I'm going to meet someone new soon. Someone substantial. Not just a passing crush. We shall see. My big celebrity crushes are the usual suspects Cillian Murphy, Matt Damon . . . but recently I've also gone nuts for Gale Harold and Timothy Olyphant. Yeah, that tall, lean, dark haired thing of my youth resurfaces. Blonde boys might be passe . . . finally!
3) Have you ever become so obsessed with a crush, you went to extreme measures to find out everything about him/her?
Oh god yes! I've been insane at times. I mean certifiable. Not recently, mind you, but definitely in my 20's I was a crazy woman most of the time.
4) Has your crush ever turned out to be your future girlfriend/boyfriend?
Absolutely. I had a crazy crush on Kevin when I moved to Toronto (even from before I moved there, from years earlier when I visited). I was so smitten! And I never dreamed that he'd ever give me more than a passing glance. He was so much older and unavailable and experienced and good looking and just cool. The first kiss was drop dead shocking. The dawning realization that it wasn't just about sex, that we were having a relationship, equally shocking. I don't think I ever really believed I deserved him. I think that's the only one where I clearly had a crush before we got together. Well, except for Ronnie. I was crushing on Ronnie a bit before we got together. The others were all crushing on me before I realized they existed or it was a mutual spontaneous combustion thing. Ronnie and Kevin, hah! I need to stay away from that family!
5) Did a best friend ever turn into more than just a friend?
Ahh, this is complicated . . . kinda? Not really? I dunno. I've only had a couple of best friends who were guys and . . . well, it's complicated. Yes, it seems to always turn into something, but what exactly? I dunno, not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. One guy friend in particular, we had a very up and down explosive sort of friendship/sex thing but never a relationship. We should have had a relationship. We might have been good together. We might have brought out good things in one another. We understood one another. We were both players. He wanted more. By the time I came around to that though, he was gone. Story of my life. Bad timing.
6) In what year did your life change the most?
2000. No doubt about it. I entered an intense period of personal development and change beginning day one of 2000 when I threw up all over the floor in a stranger's bathroom. That was it for me. I had been slowing down somewhat in the latter part of the year 1999, but New Year's Day of the new millennium was like hitting the brick wall. I stopped for the first time to ask myself why I was doing this? What did I want? Why wasn't I doing that instead?
7) Who is the person you most wanted to have a relationship with but didn't?
Easy. Major crush in the 12th grade. He was only in Grade 10. We were in a play together. I was nuts about him. NUTS! I practically stalked the guy. I took him into my dorm room at the drama festival. I showed up at the Catholic Hall dances I had long since given up in favour of the bar scene. We had some great times, some fun times, lots of good talks. But nothing ever happened. He admitted years later that he was intimidated by me, regretted missed opportunities. But still nothing happened, timing was off. I get weak in the knees every time I see him to this frigging day. It's insane. He's married with kids now, though. I believe happily. No more opportunities there . . . though there's a tiny part of me that thinks maybe one day the timing will be right . . . and there's another part that thinks it's so much better this way, never destroying the fantasy I've built up in my mind.
8) What is the one thing you have most envied in a sibling?
Their ability to accept responsibility and trust others.
9) What is the best thing you've ever gotten for free?
Umm . . . I can't remember all the things I've gotten for free . . . but how about that years worth of movie tickets! That was pretty cool!
10) What was the hardest secret you've ever had to keep?
Still keeping it. One person knows. Actually it's not that hard to keep. Keeping it is way easier than letting it fly. I'm good at secrets. In a way I let it all hang out, but in another way I keep things very close to my chest. My tongue gets looser the further I get from things. Thus I'm able to talk now about things that happened 10 years ago, when nobody knew what was going on at the time.
Mood: hungry
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Smile, Harry Connick
Hair: blah
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Sunny Side of the Street
I'm really sick. No denying it. I can barely talk, my voice is so hoarse. Luckily, I have nobody to talk with, so no worries. I'm so puffy that my eyes are little Asian slits, which is an interesting look for me of the big baby blues. And I'm sneezing. Lots and lots of sneezing. Which may be a good thing, maybe that ache in my chest will loosen up and come out now.
Yesterday I watched movies, drank wine and wrapped Christmas presents. Hmm, if you were a single wine drinking girl wrapping gifts during the holiday season, what movie would you watch? . . . Yep! You guessed it. I started the evening with the best single wine drinking girl holiday film of all times, Bridget Jones' Diary, the original, not the sequel. I followed that up with the Nancy Meyers classic, Something's Gotta Give, which isn't really a holiday film though it does have a snowing scene in Paris. I finished out the night with John Cusack and High Fidelity, which again is not a holiday film but all that introspective soul searching he does fits as the new year approaches and I get ready to take stock of 2006 and set new goals for 2007. And the music is awesome and I am in love with a funny little man named Jack Black, so there you go.
Presents are all wrapped and packed in my big suitcase. It took hours of wrestling with the zipper in order to get them all in there. So I guess I'm taking more than one case on this trip. It's not that I have so many things, it's just board games and things take up a lot of room. But that's it. I'm done. A trip to the local liquor store and Sobey's upon arrival in Miramichi Saturday night and I'm good to go.
Trouble sleeping last night. Noises in the walls . . . in my bedroom! Oh boy. I don't know what it is. I don't know where it's coming from. Drives me crazy. I am so moving out of this place! Done like dinner. So then I ended up turning on the tv and hoping it would lull me into sleep. Of course not. I watched Autumn in New York with Richard Gere and Winona Ryder. I don't think I've ever seen it before in its entirety. Kinda sad. Especially after much wine and present wrapping. That started the waterworks, massive crying jag. 6am before I finally settled in. I don't think all the non-drowsy sinus meds of yesterday helped. Today, I'm trying to function without them. So maybe I won't be up all night again tonight.
I'm feeling a little Love Actually coming on for tonight. I do enjoy Hugh Grant. And that's a good holiday film. Also will no doubt induce a crying jag though, so I'll have to wait and see if I'm up for that two nights in a row. Definitely need to get some hot fluids into me and rest. Being sick this week is not an option. Lots to do.
Mood: tired
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Our Love is Here to Stay, Harry Connick Jr.
Hair: needing to be laundered . . . i wish i could send it out
Yesterday I watched movies, drank wine and wrapped Christmas presents. Hmm, if you were a single wine drinking girl wrapping gifts during the holiday season, what movie would you watch? . . . Yep! You guessed it. I started the evening with the best single wine drinking girl holiday film of all times, Bridget Jones' Diary, the original, not the sequel. I followed that up with the Nancy Meyers classic, Something's Gotta Give, which isn't really a holiday film though it does have a snowing scene in Paris. I finished out the night with John Cusack and High Fidelity, which again is not a holiday film but all that introspective soul searching he does fits as the new year approaches and I get ready to take stock of 2006 and set new goals for 2007. And the music is awesome and I am in love with a funny little man named Jack Black, so there you go.
Presents are all wrapped and packed in my big suitcase. It took hours of wrestling with the zipper in order to get them all in there. So I guess I'm taking more than one case on this trip. It's not that I have so many things, it's just board games and things take up a lot of room. But that's it. I'm done. A trip to the local liquor store and Sobey's upon arrival in Miramichi Saturday night and I'm good to go.
Trouble sleeping last night. Noises in the walls . . . in my bedroom! Oh boy. I don't know what it is. I don't know where it's coming from. Drives me crazy. I am so moving out of this place! Done like dinner. So then I ended up turning on the tv and hoping it would lull me into sleep. Of course not. I watched Autumn in New York with Richard Gere and Winona Ryder. I don't think I've ever seen it before in its entirety. Kinda sad. Especially after much wine and present wrapping. That started the waterworks, massive crying jag. 6am before I finally settled in. I don't think all the non-drowsy sinus meds of yesterday helped. Today, I'm trying to function without them. So maybe I won't be up all night again tonight.
I'm feeling a little Love Actually coming on for tonight. I do enjoy Hugh Grant. And that's a good holiday film. Also will no doubt induce a crying jag though, so I'll have to wait and see if I'm up for that two nights in a row. Definitely need to get some hot fluids into me and rest. Being sick this week is not an option. Lots to do.
Mood: tired
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Our Love is Here to Stay, Harry Connick Jr.
Hair: needing to be laundered . . . i wish i could send it out
Friday, December 15, 2006
2am
He likes anorexic girls because they don't menstruate. It's a theory. Came to me in a serial-killer-on-the-loose dream. He hated menstruation. Like a trip into the dark ages, brown paper wrapping, hidden and undiscussed, certainly no sex during. I may have been borderline anorexic, I don't know for sure. I never thought of it as anorexic really. Sometimes I didn't eat for days. Sometimes we didn't have much food and I gave the boys my share. But I was never hungry. I only ate when I felt hunger, or when I felt like I would faint if I didn't. Mostly when I felt weak and couldn't function, because I never felt hungry.
I didn't think of it as purposefully starving myself. My face looks skeletal in some pictures, hollowed out, black holes around my eye sockets, teeth jutting from my chin. Dead woman walking. My hairdresser said she'd never seen such a skinny neck on someone before. I've never forgotten that, to this day encircling my neck with my fingers to see if it's normal or too skinny. My fingers touch. That's normal, isn't it? I went out to a birthday dinner with my family and many who hadn't seen me in a few months were shocked and appalled by my jutting bones. I didn't see it when I looked in the mirror. In the mirror I saw a fat girl, a girl who didn't need to eat. The last time I weighed myself, I weighed 108 pounds. I know I went lower. I can't imagine what that looked like. Is that the story the photos tell?
I may have been anorexic, but I never stopped menstruating. True it was hardly the hassle it's become, it came and went quickly and without incident. I've been thinking all the pain and ordeal of late is because I'm getting older, but the dream reminds me of ana and I see nothing was as it should have been then. I might not have thought of it as anorexic, but what else do you call voluntary starvation because you feel fat?
I sent Christmas cards this year. I mailed Christmas cards to everyone I had an address for--dozens of people--and I did it the first week of December like all the books say to do. It is the first time ever that I've had my head on straight enough to reach out to family and friends and just say, "Hey, Merry Christmas." I'm not brooding. I'm not worried. I'm not wondering why my life's in the shitter or where HE is or what comes next. I'm at peace. I have a pretty good idea of where I'm going and I'm excited by whatever happens. I'm okay. I mean really truly okay. I'm even looking forward to New Year's Eve. And I don't care that I won't have a special someone to hug and kiss and gaze into my eyes with all the promise of 2007. I've never looked forward to New Year's Eve more. Or the holidays in general. I want to visit. I want to connect. I want to celebrate--eat, drink and be merry. I want to laugh until the tears stream down my face. More than anything I want to laugh. I need to laugh.
It's been a long road, many bumps, some crashes into the ditch, but I'm here still and I'm happy and I've never felt more like I can handle anything that comes my way.
Mood: fine
Drinking: apple juice & coffee with skim
Listening To: OK, Mutemath
Hair: when did my hair get so feather-like soft?
I didn't think of it as purposefully starving myself. My face looks skeletal in some pictures, hollowed out, black holes around my eye sockets, teeth jutting from my chin. Dead woman walking. My hairdresser said she'd never seen such a skinny neck on someone before. I've never forgotten that, to this day encircling my neck with my fingers to see if it's normal or too skinny. My fingers touch. That's normal, isn't it? I went out to a birthday dinner with my family and many who hadn't seen me in a few months were shocked and appalled by my jutting bones. I didn't see it when I looked in the mirror. In the mirror I saw a fat girl, a girl who didn't need to eat. The last time I weighed myself, I weighed 108 pounds. I know I went lower. I can't imagine what that looked like. Is that the story the photos tell?
I may have been anorexic, but I never stopped menstruating. True it was hardly the hassle it's become, it came and went quickly and without incident. I've been thinking all the pain and ordeal of late is because I'm getting older, but the dream reminds me of ana and I see nothing was as it should have been then. I might not have thought of it as anorexic, but what else do you call voluntary starvation because you feel fat?
I sent Christmas cards this year. I mailed Christmas cards to everyone I had an address for--dozens of people--and I did it the first week of December like all the books say to do. It is the first time ever that I've had my head on straight enough to reach out to family and friends and just say, "Hey, Merry Christmas." I'm not brooding. I'm not worried. I'm not wondering why my life's in the shitter or where HE is or what comes next. I'm at peace. I have a pretty good idea of where I'm going and I'm excited by whatever happens. I'm okay. I mean really truly okay. I'm even looking forward to New Year's Eve. And I don't care that I won't have a special someone to hug and kiss and gaze into my eyes with all the promise of 2007. I've never looked forward to New Year's Eve more. Or the holidays in general. I want to visit. I want to connect. I want to celebrate--eat, drink and be merry. I want to laugh until the tears stream down my face. More than anything I want to laugh. I need to laugh.
It's been a long road, many bumps, some crashes into the ditch, but I'm here still and I'm happy and I've never felt more like I can handle anything that comes my way.
Mood: fine
Drinking: apple juice & coffee with skim
Listening To: OK, Mutemath
Hair: when did my hair get so feather-like soft?
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Stronger Than Me
No luck with the boys and bars stories. I appear to be having temporary memory and creativity lapse. Hopefully only temporary. Perhaps I do need to blog with merlot. Writers' meeting last night. Was good. Cheesecake! Yummy! And wine. Always good. I'm beat. I mean BEAT! So tired. I did get up a bit earlier this morning than yesterday, but just. Scratchy sore throat. Stuffed up nose. Last night I watched Hotel Rwanda. I hadn't seen it before. It's so insane, that whole thing. Disturbing. I try to think what was I doing then that I didn't notice this happening in the world? Was I watching OJ run away in his white bronco? Was I too drunk to notice? Did I see and not care? I can't remember. I know it didn't impact me at the time. It does now. Such terrible things happen in the world. People do such horrendous things to one another. Why does there have to be so much hate?
Mood: puzzled
Drinking: coffee, French Roast, black
Listening To: Say It Right, Nelly Furtado
Hair: greasy still, from too much product
Mood: puzzled
Drinking: coffee, French Roast, black
Listening To: Say It Right, Nelly Furtado
Hair: greasy still, from too much product
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
It Don't Matter
While I think of stories of boys and bars, another meme to kill some time.
1. Flip to page 18, paragraph 4 - in the book closest to you right now, what does it say?"Marcus, this is very difficult for me, as I'm sure you understand." Muriella Pent, Russell Smith
2. If you stretch out your left arm as far as possible, what are you touching? Nothing. I got air on both sides.
3. What’s the last program you watched on TV? Two and a Half Men, late last night on Global
4. Without looking, guess what time it is. 1:35pm - close! It's actually 1:39pm
5. Aside from the computer, what can you hear right now? Knock on Wood, Amy Stewart on iTunes
6. When was the last time you were outside and what did you do? Monday afternoon went to Sears, Post Office, and Save-Easy.
7. What are you wearing? Crocs, grey pj bottoms, lilac tank, brown sweater
8. Did you dream last night? If you did, what about? Of course I did! Two very long detailed dreams where I was in a competition like the Amazing Race . . . but not the Amazing Race.
9. When was the last time you laughed? Umm, definitely Sunday night at Dessert Theatre, but probably Monday night during The Family Stone . . . I think I was too sleepy to have laughed during Two and a Half Men last night.
10. What’s on the walls in the room you’re in right now? Not much. Slanted roof. Some framed pictures of Italy.
11. Have you seen anything strange lately? I'm sure I have, but I can't seem to recall anything at the moment.
12. What do you think about this meme? it's okay
13. What’s the last film you saw? The Family Stone on DVD, The Holiday in theatre
14. If you became a multimillionaire, what would you do with the money? Take care of my family and travel
15. Tell us something about yourself that most people don’t know. Well that's tough. On the one hand I feel like I'm an open book, on the other hand a co-worker of many years just realized I have a sense of humour the other day. So, there you go. Most people probably don't know that I've tried to kill myself several times. Some cries for help. One super serious attempt. Well, I have. And yes, I'm better now. It all worked out for the best.
16. If you could change ONE THING in this world, without regarding politics or bad guilt, what would it be? All people would be equal regardless of sex, race, or sexual orientation.
17. Do you like dancing? I do, but other than private dancing to iTunes, I haven't been in quite some time.
18. George W. Bush? He's just the puppet.
19. What do you want your children’s names to be, girl/boy? Hah! No kids. Characters are like kids though. Callum is my baby.
20. Would you ever consider living abroad? Totally!
21. What do you want God to tell you, when you come to heaven? "What took you so long?"
22. Who should do this meme? anyone who wants
Mood: meme-like
Drinking: coffee (have you noticed my blogging with merlot is on the decline?)
Listening To: Where is the love? Black Eyed Peas featuring Justin Timberlake
Hair: greasy again! it's my new putty, it's greasy stuff
1. Flip to page 18, paragraph 4 - in the book closest to you right now, what does it say?"Marcus, this is very difficult for me, as I'm sure you understand." Muriella Pent, Russell Smith
2. If you stretch out your left arm as far as possible, what are you touching? Nothing. I got air on both sides.
3. What’s the last program you watched on TV? Two and a Half Men, late last night on Global
4. Without looking, guess what time it is. 1:35pm - close! It's actually 1:39pm
5. Aside from the computer, what can you hear right now? Knock on Wood, Amy Stewart on iTunes
6. When was the last time you were outside and what did you do? Monday afternoon went to Sears, Post Office, and Save-Easy.
7. What are you wearing? Crocs, grey pj bottoms, lilac tank, brown sweater
8. Did you dream last night? If you did, what about? Of course I did! Two very long detailed dreams where I was in a competition like the Amazing Race . . . but not the Amazing Race.
9. When was the last time you laughed? Umm, definitely Sunday night at Dessert Theatre, but probably Monday night during The Family Stone . . . I think I was too sleepy to have laughed during Two and a Half Men last night.
10. What’s on the walls in the room you’re in right now? Not much. Slanted roof. Some framed pictures of Italy.
11. Have you seen anything strange lately? I'm sure I have, but I can't seem to recall anything at the moment.
12. What do you think about this meme? it's okay
13. What’s the last film you saw? The Family Stone on DVD, The Holiday in theatre
14. If you became a multimillionaire, what would you do with the money? Take care of my family and travel
15. Tell us something about yourself that most people don’t know. Well that's tough. On the one hand I feel like I'm an open book, on the other hand a co-worker of many years just realized I have a sense of humour the other day. So, there you go. Most people probably don't know that I've tried to kill myself several times. Some cries for help. One super serious attempt. Well, I have. And yes, I'm better now. It all worked out for the best.
16. If you could change ONE THING in this world, without regarding politics or bad guilt, what would it be? All people would be equal regardless of sex, race, or sexual orientation.
17. Do you like dancing? I do, but other than private dancing to iTunes, I haven't been in quite some time.
18. George W. Bush? He's just the puppet.
19. What do you want your children’s names to be, girl/boy? Hah! No kids. Characters are like kids though. Callum is my baby.
20. Would you ever consider living abroad? Totally!
21. What do you want God to tell you, when you come to heaven? "What took you so long?"
22. Who should do this meme? anyone who wants
Mood: meme-like
Drinking: coffee (have you noticed my blogging with merlot is on the decline?)
Listening To: Where is the love? Black Eyed Peas featuring Justin Timberlake
Hair: greasy again! it's my new putty, it's greasy stuff
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Music Is the Victim
Am returned from yet another whirlwind weekend. Arrived in Miramichi on time Friday evening. The closer it got to time to leave on Friday afternoon, the more I felt sick and sleepy and achy and just wanting to curl into the fetal and hide. Spent the train ride semi-snoozing and trying to get my spirits up. Arrived on time, feeling somewhat better or at least able to sufficiently fake it. Stacy picked me up and we went to the Rodd for the Enterprise Miramichi Xmas do. Neither one of us were in the mood for such things though, so we didn't stay long. Went to Zellers in search of things on Stacy's list and killing time until our movie started.
Saw The Holiday with Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jack Black, and Jude Law and it was FABULOUS! It's the best feel-good holiday movie I've seen in a long time. I'm really starting to like Nancy Meyers' films. She also did Something's Gotta Give with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. Go see The Holiday! It's fun!
Saturday morning I was up early and ready to go to the office for a BnM meeting. We didn't leave real early though because Stacy's Christmas tree fell down and she needed to take care of that. Still, we had an agenda and stuff so we got a lot done in our meeting. Then it was off to lunch at the Rodd where I had the first fish 'n chip I've had in forever! (Yeah, I'm bringing the white meats & fish back into my repertoire.) It was really, really good! I was surprised. The last fish I had at the Rodd was undercooked . . . so much so that I actually complained to the waitress . . . only to have her say "that's just the way we do it on the miramichi" as if I were some sort of tourist who knew nothing about fish 'n chips. Duh! Anyway, bygones, they did a good job this time. After lunch it was more shopping to kill time until the Mighty staff party.
First we gathered at the Mighty homestead for a drink before heading to the Bull & Lyre Pub. Everyone had lasagna & caesar salad. Except for a couple of us who preferred nachos. The nachos were really great. And everyone raved about the lasagna and salad too. Several glasses of wine. A Yankee Swap where I snagged the only bottle of red. And entertainment provided by Johhny Newman's jazz band. They were awesome! And completely looked the part too with their jackets and ties and the microphone that looked like something right out of the 30's. I wanted to take them home with me. Had to call Jenn and let her listen in. It was a really good time. Embarrassing as well as Johnny pulled me onto an empty dance floor with him. The man is tres cool . . . and well . . . I am NOT! Great evening. Much, much, much, better than the usual curling party (that I've only attended once and managed to avoid every other year). We had planned on christening the new Irish pub in Chatham this year, but they couldn't get up and running in time. Another day for them.
Sunday morning I finally got to sleep late. Woke by The Missus in the hall yelling, "Grammie! Didn't you hear me come in?!" Later that evening we all went to see Sherry in a play. Dessert Theatre. I could've done without the dessert/round table part. Would've preferred straight forward seating, one intermission for stretching. It was not as good as I had hoped. There were some really good parts though, some funny lines. In particular, the guy who played a character inspired by Randall from Clerks was brilliant, and another guy did some fantastic accents, and all the singing was really good. But they had this rotating stage in the middle of the room that was terrible. If it hadn't rotated so everyone was hanging on for dear life or jerking and looking like they were about to be tossed off onto the floor and rumbling louder than a train locomotive, then yeah, a second stage could've worked. If the lights didn't blind half the room. Then perhaps . . . I had problems hearing some of the people on the front stage, and I was in the second row. So, I don't know what it would be like at the back. There didn't seem to be enough action. It was kinda boring overall. Too serious. Very predictable. I know the writer and I couldn't help but wonder if he had been given free rein what he might have come up with, because he had some really good stuff in there. The amount of research and work he put into it as it was, was pretty impressive. What was crazy impressive though is the amount of people involved! Wow! A huge ensemble cast! I gotta give them props for that. My sister said the first night they did it was better . . . I'm just not into the whole "make you cry" at christmas thing. Christmas can be sad enough on its own, if you want to dwell on the people you won't be sharing it with this year. Something feel good, inspiring, funny . . . that's more my speed. Holiday themed stuff is hard though, difficult to pull off something original. I'm looking forward to seeing them do more stuff though.
Came home yesterday. Watched The Family Stone last night. Not as good as The Holiday, but it was okay.
Mood: fuzzy
Drinking: coffee with skim, cran-raspberry juice, water
Listening To: Move Along, The All American Rejects
Hair: greying bad
Saw The Holiday with Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jack Black, and Jude Law and it was FABULOUS! It's the best feel-good holiday movie I've seen in a long time. I'm really starting to like Nancy Meyers' films. She also did Something's Gotta Give with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. Go see The Holiday! It's fun!
Saturday morning I was up early and ready to go to the office for a BnM meeting. We didn't leave real early though because Stacy's Christmas tree fell down and she needed to take care of that. Still, we had an agenda and stuff so we got a lot done in our meeting. Then it was off to lunch at the Rodd where I had the first fish 'n chip I've had in forever! (Yeah, I'm bringing the white meats & fish back into my repertoire.) It was really, really good! I was surprised. The last fish I had at the Rodd was undercooked . . . so much so that I actually complained to the waitress . . . only to have her say "that's just the way we do it on the miramichi" as if I were some sort of tourist who knew nothing about fish 'n chips. Duh! Anyway, bygones, they did a good job this time. After lunch it was more shopping to kill time until the Mighty staff party.
First we gathered at the Mighty homestead for a drink before heading to the Bull & Lyre Pub. Everyone had lasagna & caesar salad. Except for a couple of us who preferred nachos. The nachos were really great. And everyone raved about the lasagna and salad too. Several glasses of wine. A Yankee Swap where I snagged the only bottle of red. And entertainment provided by Johhny Newman's jazz band. They were awesome! And completely looked the part too with their jackets and ties and the microphone that looked like something right out of the 30's. I wanted to take them home with me. Had to call Jenn and let her listen in. It was a really good time. Embarrassing as well as Johnny pulled me onto an empty dance floor with him. The man is tres cool . . . and well . . . I am NOT! Great evening. Much, much, much, better than the usual curling party (that I've only attended once and managed to avoid every other year). We had planned on christening the new Irish pub in Chatham this year, but they couldn't get up and running in time. Another day for them.
Sunday morning I finally got to sleep late. Woke by The Missus in the hall yelling, "Grammie! Didn't you hear me come in?!" Later that evening we all went to see Sherry in a play. Dessert Theatre. I could've done without the dessert/round table part. Would've preferred straight forward seating, one intermission for stretching. It was not as good as I had hoped. There were some really good parts though, some funny lines. In particular, the guy who played a character inspired by Randall from Clerks was brilliant, and another guy did some fantastic accents, and all the singing was really good. But they had this rotating stage in the middle of the room that was terrible. If it hadn't rotated so everyone was hanging on for dear life or jerking and looking like they were about to be tossed off onto the floor and rumbling louder than a train locomotive, then yeah, a second stage could've worked. If the lights didn't blind half the room. Then perhaps . . . I had problems hearing some of the people on the front stage, and I was in the second row. So, I don't know what it would be like at the back. There didn't seem to be enough action. It was kinda boring overall. Too serious. Very predictable. I know the writer and I couldn't help but wonder if he had been given free rein what he might have come up with, because he had some really good stuff in there. The amount of research and work he put into it as it was, was pretty impressive. What was crazy impressive though is the amount of people involved! Wow! A huge ensemble cast! I gotta give them props for that. My sister said the first night they did it was better . . . I'm just not into the whole "make you cry" at christmas thing. Christmas can be sad enough on its own, if you want to dwell on the people you won't be sharing it with this year. Something feel good, inspiring, funny . . . that's more my speed. Holiday themed stuff is hard though, difficult to pull off something original. I'm looking forward to seeing them do more stuff though.
Came home yesterday. Watched The Family Stone last night. Not as good as The Holiday, but it was okay.
Mood: fuzzy
Drinking: coffee with skim, cran-raspberry juice, water
Listening To: Move Along, The All American Rejects
Hair: greying bad
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Comfortably Numb
Yesterday, a winter wonderland. Today, grey, dull, rain, and joints seized in the night. Blah. And the dreams continue. Frustrating as hell, the one looping through all night last night. Road trip. Me, Sherry, Gary, Mom, and the kids. Going someplace near Alma, but not Alma. Part of the frustration for me was that nobody brought a map and I really, really wanted to see one. I like maps. I'm a road map kinda girl. So the absence of one in the dream was as hellish as it would be in real life. I had been to this place before though, a few times, with Stacy. In real life that'd be enough, map be damned! I would know the lay of the land having been there before. But of course in the dream nothing seemed really familiar.
We stopped in a small park just off the side of the highway. To eat. To stretch our legs. To try and figure out where the hell we were going. There was a lake. A red car with four young boys crashed through a guardrail and went into the lake. Seconds of silence and inaction then Sherry called 9-1-1 (they already knew), Anna and Paulina fell into the lake, I went in after them, the boys managed to get their car out of the lake and drunkenly drove away, blood and water gushing out behind them.
We packed the car and continued, but as we started to go onto the highway where the boys in their drowned red car had gone I started to have a panic attack, like something bad was going to happen, like a premonition of an accident. We pulled to the shoulder. I hyperventilated. Finally calmed down and told myself it was just a reaction to seeing the boys' crash. In real life I never talk myself out of listening to my gut anymore. Not since I saw my dog get struck by a car, in my mind, told myself I was foolish, then watched the scene play out in real life moments later. Maybe I could've stopped it, maybe not. But I didn't even try, dismissed it as being not real. I was 12 years old. And I've never ignored or dismissed a feeling since.
But in the dream I calmed down and we continued. We ended up driving through a run-down small down. There were young people on the streets everywhere, drunk, stoned, dirty, with open sores and greasy hair and rotten teeth. Girls scantily clad in group sex situations with boys. They looked high. Dangerous. Hungry. I remembered this place, kind of, but it seemed like it had gotten a lot worse since the last time I'd driven through. We rounded a corner that was supposed to take us out and back to the highway, but instead it dead-ended into a brick wall. No way out.
I won't go into the whole thing, it's the typical stuck in a town of freaks horror movie. They steal everything off the car rendering it useless when we get out to ask someone at the local hotel for directions. Gary leaves on foot to go for help because we can't get our cell phones to work. That sort of thing.
All night this went on! This paired with my flaming arthritis du jour, makes for a very sleepy and kinda cranky kel. Oh well. Lots to do. Leaving for the chi tomorrow.
Mood: yawn
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Do It, Nelly Furtado
Hair: something in the works maybe
We stopped in a small park just off the side of the highway. To eat. To stretch our legs. To try and figure out where the hell we were going. There was a lake. A red car with four young boys crashed through a guardrail and went into the lake. Seconds of silence and inaction then Sherry called 9-1-1 (they already knew), Anna and Paulina fell into the lake, I went in after them, the boys managed to get their car out of the lake and drunkenly drove away, blood and water gushing out behind them.
We packed the car and continued, but as we started to go onto the highway where the boys in their drowned red car had gone I started to have a panic attack, like something bad was going to happen, like a premonition of an accident. We pulled to the shoulder. I hyperventilated. Finally calmed down and told myself it was just a reaction to seeing the boys' crash. In real life I never talk myself out of listening to my gut anymore. Not since I saw my dog get struck by a car, in my mind, told myself I was foolish, then watched the scene play out in real life moments later. Maybe I could've stopped it, maybe not. But I didn't even try, dismissed it as being not real. I was 12 years old. And I've never ignored or dismissed a feeling since.
But in the dream I calmed down and we continued. We ended up driving through a run-down small down. There were young people on the streets everywhere, drunk, stoned, dirty, with open sores and greasy hair and rotten teeth. Girls scantily clad in group sex situations with boys. They looked high. Dangerous. Hungry. I remembered this place, kind of, but it seemed like it had gotten a lot worse since the last time I'd driven through. We rounded a corner that was supposed to take us out and back to the highway, but instead it dead-ended into a brick wall. No way out.
I won't go into the whole thing, it's the typical stuck in a town of freaks horror movie. They steal everything off the car rendering it useless when we get out to ask someone at the local hotel for directions. Gary leaves on foot to go for help because we can't get our cell phones to work. That sort of thing.
All night this went on! This paired with my flaming arthritis du jour, makes for a very sleepy and kinda cranky kel. Oh well. Lots to do. Leaving for the chi tomorrow.
Mood: yawn
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Do It, Nelly Furtado
Hair: something in the works maybe
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Grown-Up Christmas List
I woke at 6 this morning. On my own. No alarm. So I got up. I think it was the moon. The moon had come around and was shining into my window, into my bedroom, onto me. As always, sleeping in moon rays, I dreamed of dead people in mirrors and confessions of crimes against them. This time it was a young woman with long golden hair, kinda curly, hanging in ringlets around her shoulders. She wore a green print dress, sleeveless, empire waist, cut at the knee. She looked calm, but tired. Someone was taking me through a house, hoping I would see the spirits there. An older home, white walls, railings and banisters. It was upstairs in a bedroom with a pile of dirty clothes on the floor that I saw the woman. She was standing behind me while I looked in the mirror and described her to the person who had taken me there. It was only after I started to get into the description of what I thought had happened to her that I realized I couldn't see myself in the mirror, just the ghost woman. A little flutter of panic and I quickly woke. A bit disturbed. So I got up. Turned on lights. Made coffee. Now, maybe I'll have eggs and fried tomatoes . . . or pancakes. I made cream cheese scones last night . . . they are more like sugar cookies. Still, they are not hideous.
Another meme for the season. Ten things you love about the holidays:
Mood: cheery, tho a bit tired
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Knock on Wood, Amy Stewart
Hair: darkening up by the weekend
Another meme for the season. Ten things you love about the holidays:
- The Christmas Tree
- Carols Piped into the Street
- Houses Lit Up at Night
- Christmas Eve Celebration at my parent's house
- Seeing the kids open gifts
- Buying presents for people
- Spending time with family and friends doing things like playing board games that we might not take time for all year round
- Snow!
- Getting all dressed up to celebrate
- Cooking, Bartending for family/ watching movies with my mom
Mood: cheery, tho a bit tired
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Knock on Wood, Amy Stewart
Hair: darkening up by the weekend
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Filthy & Gorgeous
Today I've got the winter wonderland I've been waiting for! Yay! I can't wait to put on my boots and go walking! The Scissor Sisters make me happy. But I've no time to think really so . . . yes, it's another meme!
Music Meme (pass it on)
Three Christmas Songs that get you in the holiday spirit:
1. Christmas Song, Alvin & The Chipmunks
2. All I Want For Christmas is You, Mariah Carey
3. White Christmas, Bing Crosby
Top 5 songs that make you feel like celebrating:
This is hard. So many. So much depends on my mood du jour.
1. Beautiful Day, U2
2. God Save the Queen, Sex Pistols
3. China Girl, David Bowie
4. Pump It, Black Eyed Peas
5. Captain Crash & The Beauty Queen, Bon Jovi
Three artists who warm you up when it's cold outside:
How about more than three?
1. Sam Roberts & Matt Mays
2. Bono & Jon Bon
3. The Killers
Mood: light
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: There's A Girl, The Ditty Bops
Hair: really cut well
Music Meme (pass it on)
Three Christmas Songs that get you in the holiday spirit:
1. Christmas Song, Alvin & The Chipmunks
2. All I Want For Christmas is You, Mariah Carey
3. White Christmas, Bing Crosby
Top 5 songs that make you feel like celebrating:
This is hard. So many. So much depends on my mood du jour.
1. Beautiful Day, U2
2. God Save the Queen, Sex Pistols
3. China Girl, David Bowie
4. Pump It, Black Eyed Peas
5. Captain Crash & The Beauty Queen, Bon Jovi
Three artists who warm you up when it's cold outside:
How about more than three?
1. Sam Roberts & Matt Mays
2. Bono & Jon Bon
3. The Killers
Mood: light
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: There's A Girl, The Ditty Bops
Hair: really cut well
Monday, December 04, 2006
Where Am I Going?
I hoped I would wake to a winter wonderland, but no such luck. Haven't even had any rain, the snowfall warning is over, ditto for the winter storm watch . . . and all I'm left with is the promise of freezing rain around noon. Oh well. It's going to be a good day. A great week. Never mind that I overslept and did not get up when my alarm went off. No matter. I remain optimistic.
Heading to the Chi on Friday again. Christmas partying straight off the train no doubt. Likely bnm meetings on Saturday. Dessert Theatre with family on Sunday, where I'll finally get to see my sister's amateur theatre group in action. Busy weekend. Hopefully there'll be time to relax somewhere in there. Back to Bagtown on Monday for another couple weeks before I head to the river for Christmas.
I feel excited today. Happy. I think elated might be the word. This print bnm thing is pretty stressful by times. But it's a good kind of stress, it's the kind of deadline/editorial pressure cooker type stress that kept me in journalism after I realized their task was to beat the creativity out of me and reprogram my writing mind. I liken Ryerson to army boot camp. It felt like they took away everything, stripped us bare, so they could rebuild us the way they needed us to be. In the beginning I struggled, rebelled, hated it. They weren't about to bend to my will. They kicked me out. I took a year to cool off and then continued. This time I accepted my fate. Played their game. Allowed myself to be stripped and shaped. I emerged with a news mind, a nose for the scent of scandal . . . and no adjectives in my writing vocabulary. It would be 10 years before I discovered adjectives and adverbs again. Another five years before I re-learned how to use them. But now, I'm so thankful I went that route, because I think I have more skills than I would've otherwise.
But what was I saying before I got off on the Rye-High tangent . . . oh yeah! I'm having a good day, great week. Hope you are too.
Mood: elated
/ilaytid/
• adjective extremely happy and excited.
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Rehab, Amy Winehouse
Hair: really nice! no seriously, it's REALLY nice!
Heading to the Chi on Friday again. Christmas partying straight off the train no doubt. Likely bnm meetings on Saturday. Dessert Theatre with family on Sunday, where I'll finally get to see my sister's amateur theatre group in action. Busy weekend. Hopefully there'll be time to relax somewhere in there. Back to Bagtown on Monday for another couple weeks before I head to the river for Christmas.
I feel excited today. Happy. I think elated might be the word. This print bnm thing is pretty stressful by times. But it's a good kind of stress, it's the kind of deadline/editorial pressure cooker type stress that kept me in journalism after I realized their task was to beat the creativity out of me and reprogram my writing mind. I liken Ryerson to army boot camp. It felt like they took away everything, stripped us bare, so they could rebuild us the way they needed us to be. In the beginning I struggled, rebelled, hated it. They weren't about to bend to my will. They kicked me out. I took a year to cool off and then continued. This time I accepted my fate. Played their game. Allowed myself to be stripped and shaped. I emerged with a news mind, a nose for the scent of scandal . . . and no adjectives in my writing vocabulary. It would be 10 years before I discovered adjectives and adverbs again. Another five years before I re-learned how to use them. But now, I'm so thankful I went that route, because I think I have more skills than I would've otherwise.
But what was I saying before I got off on the Rye-High tangent . . . oh yeah! I'm having a good day, great week. Hope you are too.
Mood: elated
/ilaytid/
• adjective extremely happy and excited.
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Rehab, Amy Winehouse
Hair: really nice! no seriously, it's REALLY nice!
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Beautiful Day
Bono makes me happy. I watched the whole convention yesterday. Totally sucked in, as always. Exciting stuff! I'd like to experience that one day. Be there. Followed the liberals with sappy holiday movies on women's television. Got no snow here. Saw pics from yesterday's santa claus parade in blackville. They've got snow. Something else for the plus side of moving north. I want some freaking snow!
Another meme:
Not counting the crust and the pizza sauce, come up with up to seven additional ingredients to make the perfect pizza.
Mood: happy
Drinking: costa rican coffee with skim milk
Listening To: Wind it Up, Gwen Stefani
Hair: transitioning
Another meme:
Not counting the crust and the pizza sauce, come up with up to seven additional ingredients to make the perfect pizza.
- cheese
- pineapple
- sun-dried tomatoes
- portobello mushrooms
- bell peppers
- roasted garlic
- red onions
Mood: happy
Drinking: costa rican coffee with skim milk
Listening To: Wind it Up, Gwen Stefani
Hair: transitioning
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Liberal
I told myself I wasn't going to watch. I told myself it didn't really matter. I've got more important stuff to do. And I did . . . For a few hours. Then channel-surfing late last night I happened upon Bob Rae's speech . . . and that was it. I'm in. Politics, man. I try not to love it so much. But I just do.
Mood: on the edge of my seat
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: cbc
Hair: greasy
Mood: on the edge of my seat
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: cbc
Hair: greasy
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Beginning to Look a Lot Like . . .
Yeah, another meme. No time to blog.
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? gift bags. i'm not a good wrapper
2. Real tree or artificial? i like a real one, but i've never put up one of my own so i've never had to deal with watering, spills, etc. likely an artificial is more my speed
3. When do you put up the tree? mom usually puts hers up pretty early, a couple of weeks before christmas. if i were doing my own tree i'd have it up early in december
4.When do you take the tree down? after new year's
5. Do you like eggnog? nope
6. Favorite gift received as a child? when i was 14 i got a huge ghetto blaster that i loved but that's not really a child . . . umm . . . the saturday night fever soundtrack meant a lot to me
7. Do you have a nativity scene? no and nor will i ever
8. Hardest person to buy for? stacy, she's fussy and she has everything
9. Easiest person to buy for? lee, anything nascar and he acts the same if he loves it as he does if he hates it so there's no pressure to get a reaction
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? email, i've never sent mail ones before
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? a sweatshirt
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Love Actually
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? November
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? i don't think so
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? nachos? lol i'm not really into the turkey and stuffing scene
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? either
17. Favorite Christmas song? We Three Kings
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? travel to the folks
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? maybe so
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? either
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Eve
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? crazy mall shopping, i try to avoid
23. Does Santa wrap your gifts or leave them unwrapped? santa doesn't come anymore, if he did he'd leave things unwrapped
Mood: ok
Drinking: coffee with the last of the real cream
Listening To: fingers on keyboard
Hair: getting a shampoo today with any luck
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? gift bags. i'm not a good wrapper
2. Real tree or artificial? i like a real one, but i've never put up one of my own so i've never had to deal with watering, spills, etc. likely an artificial is more my speed
3. When do you put up the tree? mom usually puts hers up pretty early, a couple of weeks before christmas. if i were doing my own tree i'd have it up early in december
4.When do you take the tree down? after new year's
5. Do you like eggnog? nope
6. Favorite gift received as a child? when i was 14 i got a huge ghetto blaster that i loved but that's not really a child . . . umm . . . the saturday night fever soundtrack meant a lot to me
7. Do you have a nativity scene? no and nor will i ever
8. Hardest person to buy for? stacy, she's fussy and she has everything
9. Easiest person to buy for? lee, anything nascar and he acts the same if he loves it as he does if he hates it so there's no pressure to get a reaction
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? email, i've never sent mail ones before
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? a sweatshirt
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Love Actually
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? November
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? i don't think so
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? nachos? lol i'm not really into the turkey and stuffing scene
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? either
17. Favorite Christmas song? We Three Kings
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? travel to the folks
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? maybe so
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? either
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Eve
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? crazy mall shopping, i try to avoid
23. Does Santa wrap your gifts or leave them unwrapped? santa doesn't come anymore, if he did he'd leave things unwrapped
Mood: ok
Drinking: coffee with the last of the real cream
Listening To: fingers on keyboard
Hair: getting a shampoo today with any luck
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Song Sung Blue
Borrowed from Life as I know it. A meme. Google the top 100 songs from the year you graduated from high school, bold the ones you loved (then, anyways!), strikeout the ones you hated, and leave the others plain.
1987. I don't remember much about what we were listening to that year. Never Say Goodbye was our prom theme, but it wasn't my favourite Jon Bon song by any stretch. The band hadn't learned how to play it, so they only did so one time and instead played Starship's Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now many times. I'm assuming because it was the song most schools chose as their theme that year. I was insane the first half of the year with worry about moving to Toronto. The second half of the year I was insane with the culture shock of moving to Toronto. We listened to Whitesnake a lot, I remember. I think someone was on a Judd's kick then. We danced to Mony Mony. I started my education into 70's rock and Toronto's band scene. As for the list, if I can't remember the song or if I was indifferent to it, I've left it untouched.
1. "Faith".....George Michael
2. "Alone".....Heart
3. "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)" .....Whitney Houston
4. "C'est la Vie".....Robbie Nevil
5. "Shake You Down".....Gregory Abbott
6. "La Bamba".....Los Lobos
7. "Livin' On A Prayer".....Bon Jovi
8. "Here I Go Again".....Whitesnake
9. "Heaven Is A Place On Earth".....Belinda Carlisle
10. "(I've Had) The Time Of My Life".....Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes
11. "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now".....Starship
12. "I Think We're Alone Now".....Tiffany
13. "With Or Without You".....U2
14. "At This Moment".....Billy Vera and the Beaters
15. "Keep Your Hands To Yourself".....Georgia Satellites
16. "Heart And Soul".....T'Pau
17. "Open Your Heart".....Madonna
18. "Didn't We Almost Have It All".....Whitney Houston
19. "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For".....U2
20. "Looking For A New Love".....Jody Watley
21. "Don't Dream It's Over".....Crowded House
22. "Is This Love".....Whitesnake
23. "Shake Your Love".....Debbie Gibson
24. "Shakedown".....Bob Seger
25. "Notorious".....Duran Duran
26. "I Want Your Sex".....George Michael
27. "The Lady In Red".....Chris DeBurgh
28. "Always".....Atlantic Starr
29. "Head To Toe".....Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam
30. "Mony Mony".....Billy Idol
31. "Only In My Dreams".....Debbie Gibson
32. "Land Of Confusion".....Genesis
33. "Lost In Emotion"....Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam
34. "Should've Known Better".....Richard Marx
35. "You Keep Me Hanging On".....Kim Wilde
36. "Touch Me (I Want Your Body)".....Samantha Fox
37. "Lean On Me".....Club Nouveau
38. "Catch Me (I'm Falling)".....Poison
39. "I Knew You Were Waiting".....Aretha Franklin & George Michael
40. "(I Just) Died In Your Arms".....Cutting Crew
41. "Control".....Janet Jackson
42. "Somewhere Out There".....Linda Ronstadt & James Ingram
43. "U Got The Look".....Prince
44. "Don't You Want Me".....Jody Watley
45. "Jacob's Ladder".....Huey Lewis and the News
46. "I Heard A Rumour".....Bananarama
47. "Little Lies".....Fleetwood Mac
48. "Songbird".....Kenny G
49. "Breakout".....Swing Out Sister
50. "Someday".....Glass Tiger
51. "Bad".....Michael Jackson
52. "In Too Deep:.....Genesis
53. "I Just Can't Stop Loving You".....Michael Jackson & Siedah Garrett
54. "La Isla Bonita".....Madonna
55. "Let's Wait Awhile".....Janet Jackson
56. "Luka".....Suzanne Vega
57. "You Got It All".....The Jets
58. "Who's That Girl".....Madonna
59. "Don't Mean Nothing".....Richard Marx
60. "Come On With Me".....Expose
61. "Will You Still Love Me?".....Chicago
62. "Wanted Dead Or Alive".....Bon Jovi
63. "Don't Disturb This Groove".....The System
64. "Change Of Heart".....Cyndi Lauper
65. "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You".....Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
66. "Casanova".....Levert
67. "When Smokey Sings".....ABC
68."Is This Love".....Survivor
69. "The Finer Things".....Steve Winwood
70. "Rock Steady".....The Whispers
71. "Big Time".....Peter Gabriel
72. "Point Of No Return".....Expose
73. "We'll Be Together".....Sting
74. "Something So Strong".....Crowded House
75. "Victory".....Kool and the Gang
76. "The One I Love"......R.E.M.
77. "Causing A Commotion".....Madonna
78. "Sign O' The Times".....Prince
79. "Carrie".....Europe
80. "Mandolin Rain".....Bruce Hornsby and the Range
81. "Tonight, Tonight, Tonight".....Genesis
82. "Can't We Try".....Dan Hill with Vonda Sheppard
83. "Diamonds".....Herb Albert
84. "Heart Of The Night".....Bryan Adams
85. "Let Me Be The One".....Expose
86. "Brilliant Disguise".....Bruce Springsteen
87. "Midnight Blue".....Lou Gramm
88. "Just To See Her".....Smokey Robinson
89. "Doing It All For My Baby".....Huey Lewis and the News
90. "Valerie".....Steve Winwood
91. "Cross My Broken Heart".....The Jets
92. "Ballerina Girl".....Lionel Richie
93. "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You".....Glenn Medeiros
94. "It's A Sin".....Pet Shop Boys
95. "I've Been In Love Before".....Cutting Crew
96. "Wipeout".....Fat Boys & Beach Boys
97. "Big Love".....Fleetwood Mac
98. "Respect Yourself".....Bruce Willis
99. "Who Will You Run To?.....Heart
100. "Right On Track".....Breakfast Club
Mood: focused and determined
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: my housemate's washer spin out
Hair: recently chopped
1987. I don't remember much about what we were listening to that year. Never Say Goodbye was our prom theme, but it wasn't my favourite Jon Bon song by any stretch. The band hadn't learned how to play it, so they only did so one time and instead played Starship's Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now many times. I'm assuming because it was the song most schools chose as their theme that year. I was insane the first half of the year with worry about moving to Toronto. The second half of the year I was insane with the culture shock of moving to Toronto. We listened to Whitesnake a lot, I remember. I think someone was on a Judd's kick then. We danced to Mony Mony. I started my education into 70's rock and Toronto's band scene. As for the list, if I can't remember the song or if I was indifferent to it, I've left it untouched.
2. "Alone".....Heart
4. "C'est la Vie".....Robbie Nevil
5. "Shake You Down".....Gregory Abbott
6. "La Bamba".....Los Lobos
7. "Livin' On A Prayer".....Bon Jovi
8. "Here I Go Again".....Whitesnake
9. "Heaven Is A Place On Earth".....Belinda Carlisle
10. "(I've Had) The Time Of My Life".....Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes
11. "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now".....Starship
13. "With Or Without You".....U2
14. "At This Moment".....Billy Vera and the Beaters
16. "Heart And Soul".....T'Pau
17. "Open Your Heart".....Madonna
19. "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For".....U2
20. "Looking For A New Love".....Jody Watley
21. "Don't Dream It's Over".....Crowded House
22. "Is This Love".....Whitesnake
23. "Shake Your Love".....Debbie Gibson
24. "Shakedown".....Bob Seger
25. "Notorious".....Duran Duran
26. "I Want Your Sex".....George Michael
28. "Always".....Atlantic Starr
29. "Head To Toe".....Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam
30. "Mony Mony".....Billy Idol
31. "Only In My Dreams".....Debbie Gibson
32. "Land Of Confusion".....Genesis
33. "Lost In Emotion"....Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam
34. "Should've Known Better".....Richard Marx
35. "You Keep Me Hanging On".....Kim Wilde
36. "Touch Me (I Want Your Body)".....Samantha Fox
38. "Catch Me (I'm Falling)".....Poison
39. "I Knew You Were Waiting".....Aretha Franklin & George Michael
40. "(I Just) Died In Your Arms".....Cutting Crew
41. "Control".....Janet Jackson
42. "Somewhere Out There".....Linda Ronstadt & James Ingram
43. "U Got The Look".....Prince
44. "Don't You Want Me".....Jody Watley
45. "Jacob's Ladder".....Huey Lewis and the News
46. "I Heard A Rumour".....Bananarama
47. "Little Lies".....Fleetwood Mac
48. "Songbird".....Kenny G
49. "Breakout".....Swing Out Sister
50. "Someday".....Glass Tiger
52. "In Too Deep:.....Genesis
53. "I Just Can't Stop Loving You".....Michael Jackson & Siedah Garrett
54. "La Isla Bonita".....Madonna
55. "Let's Wait Awhile".....Janet Jackson
56. "Luka".....Suzanne Vega
57. "You Got It All".....The Jets
58. "Who's That Girl".....Madonna
59. "Don't Mean Nothing".....Richard Marx
60. "Come On With Me".....Expose
61. "Will You Still Love Me?".....Chicago
62. "Wanted Dead Or Alive".....Bon Jovi
63. "Don't Disturb This Groove".....The System
64. "Change Of Heart".....Cyndi Lauper
66. "Casanova".....Levert
67. "When Smokey Sings".....ABC
68."Is This Love".....Survivor
69. "The Finer Things".....Steve Winwood
70. "Rock Steady".....The Whispers
71. "Big Time".....Peter Gabriel
72. "Point Of No Return".....Expose
73. "We'll Be Together".....Sting
74. "Something So Strong".....Crowded House
75. "Victory".....Kool and the Gang
76. "The One I Love"......R.E.M.
77. "Causing A Commotion".....Madonna
78. "Sign O' The Times".....Prince
79. "Carrie".....Europe
81. "Tonight, Tonight, Tonight".....Genesis
83. "Diamonds".....Herb Albert
84. "Heart Of The Night".....Bryan Adams
85. "Let Me Be The One".....Expose
86. "Brilliant Disguise".....Bruce Springsteen
87. "Midnight Blue".....Lou Gramm
88. "Just To See Her".....Smokey Robinson
90. "Valerie".....Steve Winwood
91. "Cross My Broken Heart".....The Jets
92. "Ballerina Girl".....Lionel Richie
93. "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You".....Glenn Medeiros
94. "It's A Sin".....Pet Shop Boys
95. "I've Been In Love Before".....Cutting Crew
96. "Wipeout".....Fat Boys & Beach Boys
97. "Big Love".....Fleetwood Mac
98. "Respect Yourself".....Bruce Willis
99. "Who Will You Run To?.....Heart
100. "Right On Track".....Breakfast Club
Mood: focused and determined
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: my housemate's washer spin out
Hair: recently chopped
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Cluttered Home/Cluttered Mind
My desk looks like a bomb went off on it. Paper everywhere. I should take a minute to tidy as it will help me function better in the long run. Up at a decent time this morning. Much to do before departing tomorrow and starting to freak out about bnm stories. Driving me crazy. Writing is hard. Rock Star Supernova debut on Jimmy Kimmel live tonight. Too late for people who actually sleep. Though it can be pvred for those with the technology.
Was beauty sunny morn only an hour ago, now clouding over, back to grey. Damn! And I had high hopes, felt like going for a walk and everything.
I need to do a pros/cons list for moving. I'm torn.
Mood: not sure
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Seven Days a Week, The Sounds
Hair: getting a trim maybe
Was beauty sunny morn only an hour ago, now clouding over, back to grey. Damn! And I had high hopes, felt like going for a walk and everything.
I need to do a pros/cons list for moving. I'm torn.
Mood: not sure
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Seven Days a Week, The Sounds
Hair: getting a trim maybe
Monday, November 20, 2006
Your Chief
Well I survived the Saint John excursion. I was extremely tired by the time I got back home, but restless, so I couldn't sleep. I ended up sleeping all day yesterday. Seriously, Saint John was very good. The board meeting went well. Lunch was . . . well, just okay with a vegetarian thin crust pizza that was not so thin and pretty soggy . . . but fabulous because I got to meet Alistair Macleod and talk about Bread 'n Molasses and the Miramichi and writing and making movies and lots of fun stuff. Then we went to his talk. He's a great speaker. Quite funny. And I came away with a new way of looking at my writing, which is always cool. I ran into an old friend who works at the Arts Centre and I hadn't seen for quite some time, which was a great surprise. He is supposed to email me, as I lost all his contact info in the great computer crash of 2006. So, if you're reading this, email me so I may know you once again and never drop in unexpectedly and unannounced again :-) The playwriting workshop in the afternoon was jam-packed with info and for me, very inspirational. I am going to write a play! I think I can do it! I think I know how now! Yay! The drive home didn't seem to take as long as the drive in. We were back in no time. I enjoyed vegetable samosas with mango chutney for dinner and tried to crash early. I did fall asleep on the futon in front of the tv for about 20 minutes. Then I got up and went to bed only to roll round and round, restless. So I went back to the futon in front of the tv and fell asleep for another 20 minutes. Tried the bed again, same thing, round and round. Finally I just went to the futon, turned on the tv and stayed there. Not sure why I needed to sleep on metal bars with noise in the background, but there you go. I slept.
I leave for Miramichi on Wednesday. Back again Saturday. Just in time for a one-nite visit from Stacy, followed by a visit from Trish on Monday (last I heard). So, lots on the go. BnM production week. Oh boy! Lots of work to do.
I floated the idea of my moving to the Sackville ladies . . . did not go over well. I don't know what to do. I'm torn. Luckily there's lots of time to figure this thing out before my lease is up.
Better get to work.
Mood: alert
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: Music is the Victim, Scissor Sisters
Hair: can i possibly squeeze a cut into my whirlwind visit?
I leave for Miramichi on Wednesday. Back again Saturday. Just in time for a one-nite visit from Stacy, followed by a visit from Trish on Monday (last I heard). So, lots on the go. BnM production week. Oh boy! Lots of work to do.
I floated the idea of my moving to the Sackville ladies . . . did not go over well. I don't know what to do. I'm torn. Luckily there's lots of time to figure this thing out before my lease is up.
Better get to work.
Mood: alert
Drinking: coffee with cream
Listening To: Music is the Victim, Scissor Sisters
Hair: can i possibly squeeze a cut into my whirlwind visit?
Saturday, November 18, 2006
An Early Start
Going to Saint John this morning for WFNB board meeting and Fall Fair. Freaked out about getting up so early. Accidentally changed the time on my clock when I set the alarm. Yep. So instead of getting up at 5 . . . I got up at 4. Oy! But that's all right. I wasn't really sleeping anyway. I never can when I know I've got to get up and be ready to go someplace early. It just goes against my nature. I should've been a celebrity. You know, like a rock star or something, where you get paid to function at night. I am highly functional between 11pm and 2am.
Listening to the new Supernova CD. You can too. Click Here. Loving it! Loving all the tracks so far! Very cool. Now, if they were to come to NB, I think I'd have to go see.
In other news . . . I'm thinking of moving in the spring when my lease is up. Thinking of going back to Miramichi. Chatham most likely. Where I will be close to work. But perhaps Douglastown. Can't see me in Newcastle, but hey, I never thought I'd be moving again so soon, so nothing would surprise me. I've been thinking about it for a little while, started testing the notion out on people this week. So far, the response is all encouraging. I really love Sackville, will be sad to leave, but I don't know that I'm supposed to be here now. I'm feeling more and more like my time here is done, like I've got what I was supposed to get and now it's time to move on to something new. Keep you posted on that.
Mood: nervously energetic
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Valentine, Rockstar Supernova
Hair: damp
Listening to the new Supernova CD. You can too. Click Here. Loving it! Loving all the tracks so far! Very cool. Now, if they were to come to NB, I think I'd have to go see.
In other news . . . I'm thinking of moving in the spring when my lease is up. Thinking of going back to Miramichi. Chatham most likely. Where I will be close to work. But perhaps Douglastown. Can't see me in Newcastle, but hey, I never thought I'd be moving again so soon, so nothing would surprise me. I've been thinking about it for a little while, started testing the notion out on people this week. So far, the response is all encouraging. I really love Sackville, will be sad to leave, but I don't know that I'm supposed to be here now. I'm feeling more and more like my time here is done, like I've got what I was supposed to get and now it's time to move on to something new. Keep you posted on that.
Mood: nervously energetic
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Valentine, Rockstar Supernova
Hair: damp
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Goals
"Get up and dance, get up and smile, get up and drink to the days that are gone in the shortest while."-- Simon Fowler
Good morning! If the recent events of Hurricane Katrina and Rita haven't taught us the value and importance of a moment, think about the above quote. Isn't that a wonderful, yet bittersweet quote?
It reminds us of how what is all around us -- won't last forever. Yet, in the same breath, it reminds us to dance and smile and celebrate. Celebrate every moment, and don't worry about the small things in life that tend to weigh us down.
What will you do today to celebrate the fact that you are here? To celebrate what you have that is good in your life?
Your Turn:
Review your goals. If you have not been using the three step action list diligently, begin today. What do you want to accomplish by the end of November? By the end of this year? Write your goals down. Research shows that writing your goals down increases your odds of success by over 70%. Make a commitment to yourself to step forward each day this month. If you haven't yet started the Challenge, begin today. You are worth it.
Your Affirmation:
Each day I take a step forward toward my goals. As I take that step, I will laugh, smile and dance.
From the Change Your Life daily newsletter I receive every day.
A couple of weeks ago I was showing a friend my list of 101 Things. I carry around a hard copy in my wallet. She said, "Oh, you must be a goal-oriented person." I nearly laughed. Me? Goal-oriented? I mean yeah, for the purpose of my resume, I've been goal-oriented since the early 90's, but not for one minute did I ever believe that I was really that kind of a person. Until I thought about it. I do make lists of things that I want to do and then I do them and cross them off. At New Year's I'll set some goals for the coming year and take a look back at how well I did at achieving the things I set out for myself to accomplish this past year. I've been doing that for a really long time now. And on top of that, this year I started my 101 Things. So yeah, I must really be goal-oriented! Wow! How did that happen? This just goes to prove that you will evolve into the things you tell yourself that you are. It's been written on my resume for years. I've thrown the term around at every job interview I've ever went on (and there have been LOTS). And now I'm not even lying -- I AM GOAL-ORIENTED!
Mood: focused
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: traffic on the hills of Salem
Hair: damp and stringy
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Ami
Make it stop! I wanna get off! This grey weather and rain is enough to drive a person insane. Like seriously crazy. My arthritis is acting up in my knees. It's rained for two weeks and nothing in the forecast but rain until Sunday when it will be cloudy with a chance of sunny periods. Oy! It's like night all the time, screwing with my system.
So, I'm going to Saint John on Saturday for the WFNB Fall Fair. I've got to be there early for a director's meeting. I'm being picked up at 6:15 am. Six-fifteen! In the morning! Oh boy. That'll be a challenge. What kind of a great day is that going to be. If I got shit-faced drunk Friday night I might be okay that early. I tend to function better on less when I'm impaired. Years of experience I guess. It's very difficult for me to get to sleep before 3am. I go to bed, I close my eyes, but nothing happens. I'll have to get up at 5 . . . 5:30 at the absolute latest . . . to be ready to leave by 6:15. That's not a whole lot of sleep time in the middle. It wouldn't be so bad except I'm taking workshops, I'm having to introduce workshop leaders, I'm going to be writing . . . you don't really want to be all spazzed out for those things. I could pull an all-niter Thursday, which would put me in a sleepy frame of mind by midnight Friday (yeah, even on an all-niter I can't calm down before the witching hour) but I risk the whole thing going terribly wrong between 5 and 6 Friday morning (my weak time), when I could possibly crash and not rise again until noon.
Or I could just not have any coffee Friday morning. Meaning I'd never actually wake up, therefore I should be able to drift off by midnight. I'm not asking for much. Five hours and I'm raring to go.
Mood: contemplative
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Overrated, Gavin DeGraw
Hair: greying
So, I'm going to Saint John on Saturday for the WFNB Fall Fair. I've got to be there early for a director's meeting. I'm being picked up at 6:15 am. Six-fifteen! In the morning! Oh boy. That'll be a challenge. What kind of a great day is that going to be. If I got shit-faced drunk Friday night I might be okay that early. I tend to function better on less when I'm impaired. Years of experience I guess. It's very difficult for me to get to sleep before 3am. I go to bed, I close my eyes, but nothing happens. I'll have to get up at 5 . . . 5:30 at the absolute latest . . . to be ready to leave by 6:15. That's not a whole lot of sleep time in the middle. It wouldn't be so bad except I'm taking workshops, I'm having to introduce workshop leaders, I'm going to be writing . . . you don't really want to be all spazzed out for those things. I could pull an all-niter Thursday, which would put me in a sleepy frame of mind by midnight Friday (yeah, even on an all-niter I can't calm down before the witching hour) but I risk the whole thing going terribly wrong between 5 and 6 Friday morning (my weak time), when I could possibly crash and not rise again until noon.
Or I could just not have any coffee Friday morning. Meaning I'd never actually wake up, therefore I should be able to drift off by midnight. I'm not asking for much. Five hours and I'm raring to go.
Mood: contemplative
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Overrated, Gavin DeGraw
Hair: greying
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Free
Well I seem to be shaking off last week's nosedive depression, despite days upon days of rain and nothing else in sight. I've chance of thundershowers going on, which makes me uneasy in November. I'm working hard on BnM, the second print edition, coming out for December. The writing is so frigging exhausting. I try to make it fun, less like work, but what can I do? It's work, that's just what it is. And it's damn hard.
I noticed on the Mount A calendar this morning that Cindy Sheehan, the mother who camped outside President Bush's ranch to try and get a few words with him, is here today and giving a talk tonight. I won't be going. No time. And I can't afford to clutter my brain with politics right now anyway. But I wish I had nothing going on. I think she'd be interesting. I'm sure someone I know will go and tell me about it later.
I dreamt I moved to a new town last night. An even smaller town if you can imagine such a thing. And I started going to everything they had, like town council meetings and AA and church and just anything that happened where people could go. It was weird. I met interesting people though. I probably should do more of that in my real life, rather than always be holed up here alone.
Tonight I am making eggplant parmigiana for dinner. I've never made it before. I've never even eaten an eggplant before. But I've got a good idea of what I need to do and I keep seeing Curtis of Take Home Chef on TLC (my FAVOURITE cooking show!)doing stuff with eggplant that looks absolutely amazing. So, I'm giving it a go! Eggplant parm is supposed to be the easiest thing in the world to make, failsafe, so they say. We shall see. If I had a decent camera I'd take pictures of the end result. Maybe I'll try with the clunker and see if I can anything steady. The problem is not the camera so much, the problem is me with that particular camera. I'm a shaker. You need to hold the button in forever before it takes the picture, there's a huge delay. So I press the button and I wait so long that I begin to wonder is it going to happen and meanwhile I can't hold steady. There's none of that fancy stuff to help with the shakes on this beastie. It's only 1MP for godsake. It's an antique, no doubt the first digital camera ever made. Still, it was free. So there you go, you get what you paid for. Perhaps I'll try to take a picture . . . yeah, but perhaps not, it's just too frustrating to deal with and I don't have a tri-pod.
Speaking of eggplants and Curtis cooking for vegetarians, I was just flipping through my calendar and noticed that I've been eating vegetarian for 2 months now. Yeah, I started on September 11th. I have had a few meat meals in that time, to clean out the meat frozen in my refrigerator, but not much. I've still got meat I've got to use up sometime. But mostly, it's all veggie all the time. Weird! Who thought that would stick?
Mood: scattered
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: thumping in the next door kitchen
Hair: clean
I noticed on the Mount A calendar this morning that Cindy Sheehan, the mother who camped outside President Bush's ranch to try and get a few words with him, is here today and giving a talk tonight. I won't be going. No time. And I can't afford to clutter my brain with politics right now anyway. But I wish I had nothing going on. I think she'd be interesting. I'm sure someone I know will go and tell me about it later.
I dreamt I moved to a new town last night. An even smaller town if you can imagine such a thing. And I started going to everything they had, like town council meetings and AA and church and just anything that happened where people could go. It was weird. I met interesting people though. I probably should do more of that in my real life, rather than always be holed up here alone.
Tonight I am making eggplant parmigiana for dinner. I've never made it before. I've never even eaten an eggplant before. But I've got a good idea of what I need to do and I keep seeing Curtis of Take Home Chef on TLC (my FAVOURITE cooking show!)doing stuff with eggplant that looks absolutely amazing. So, I'm giving it a go! Eggplant parm is supposed to be the easiest thing in the world to make, failsafe, so they say. We shall see. If I had a decent camera I'd take pictures of the end result. Maybe I'll try with the clunker and see if I can anything steady. The problem is not the camera so much, the problem is me with that particular camera. I'm a shaker. You need to hold the button in forever before it takes the picture, there's a huge delay. So I press the button and I wait so long that I begin to wonder is it going to happen and meanwhile I can't hold steady. There's none of that fancy stuff to help with the shakes on this beastie. It's only 1MP for godsake. It's an antique, no doubt the first digital camera ever made. Still, it was free. So there you go, you get what you paid for. Perhaps I'll try to take a picture . . . yeah, but perhaps not, it's just too frustrating to deal with and I don't have a tri-pod.
Speaking of eggplants and Curtis cooking for vegetarians, I was just flipping through my calendar and noticed that I've been eating vegetarian for 2 months now. Yeah, I started on September 11th. I have had a few meat meals in that time, to clean out the meat frozen in my refrigerator, but not much. I've still got meat I've got to use up sometime. But mostly, it's all veggie all the time. Weird! Who thought that would stick?
Mood: scattered
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: thumping in the next door kitchen
Hair: clean
Monday, November 13, 2006
You Are What You Eat
So the latest scare is Salmonella in chocolate bars. Spinach, lettuce, chocolate . . . I dunno, but it's really starting to feel like you can't trust anything anymore. You're taking your life into your hands just by eating. I took the spinach hit pretty hard, but I so rarely eat chocolate that I'm not much bothered by this development. I am rather taken with the white chocolate bars from the Just Us coffee people. Absolutely amazing! Like no other white chocolate I've ever had. Even if you're not a big white chocolate fan, you might enjoy this one a lot. And they've also got the 70% cocoa dark chocolate and a milk chocolate bar. The local Co-Op has started carrying a lot of Just Us products. I enjoy the coffees too. I buy them because they taste fabulous, it's quality all the way. The fact that they're fair trade and organic is just a bonus that makes me feel even better about something I already felt pretty good about.
There's a blood donor clinic coming up soon in Sackville and I think I'll go if for no other reason than to find out what my blood type is. Stacy has been eating for her blood type and noticing that she feels pretty good. I don't know if I'd do it, this vegetarian thing seems to be a good thing for me right now, but I would like to know what it says I should and shouldn't eat. If I'm Type O like my mom thinks I am, then I'm actually supposed to be eating a kind of Atkins type diet, with lots of meat protein. I'm curious anyway.
Speaking of putting food in your mouth, I'd like to slim down a bit by the New Year. I feel like I've been gaining weight, though there's nothing in my clothes to bear this out. I realise no matter what I eat now I'm not going to lose any more weight. I have maintained this new size for a solid year now, so it's time to step things up in the physical activity area. I should be walking more for sure. I should be making more trips up and down my stairs. I should be doing some weights. It's always a struggle to find ways to incorporate these things into your routine. I wish I liked a sport . . . it would be easier if I was crazy for tennis or something. I do like walking though. I just need to change my mindset. Right now I feel guilty taking time to go for a walk, just for the sake of walking. My walks have to be about getting groceries, getting the mail, having a destination and a purpose. When really it should just be about me and my health and releasing stress and feeling great, because that's pretty important stuff. I'm working on it.
Mood: optimistic
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: trucks on the street
Hair: oy!
There's a blood donor clinic coming up soon in Sackville and I think I'll go if for no other reason than to find out what my blood type is. Stacy has been eating for her blood type and noticing that she feels pretty good. I don't know if I'd do it, this vegetarian thing seems to be a good thing for me right now, but I would like to know what it says I should and shouldn't eat. If I'm Type O like my mom thinks I am, then I'm actually supposed to be eating a kind of Atkins type diet, with lots of meat protein. I'm curious anyway.
Speaking of putting food in your mouth, I'd like to slim down a bit by the New Year. I feel like I've been gaining weight, though there's nothing in my clothes to bear this out. I realise no matter what I eat now I'm not going to lose any more weight. I have maintained this new size for a solid year now, so it's time to step things up in the physical activity area. I should be walking more for sure. I should be making more trips up and down my stairs. I should be doing some weights. It's always a struggle to find ways to incorporate these things into your routine. I wish I liked a sport . . . it would be easier if I was crazy for tennis or something. I do like walking though. I just need to change my mindset. Right now I feel guilty taking time to go for a walk, just for the sake of walking. My walks have to be about getting groceries, getting the mail, having a destination and a purpose. When really it should just be about me and my health and releasing stress and feeling great, because that's pretty important stuff. I'm working on it.
Mood: optimistic
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: trucks on the street
Hair: oy!
Sunday, November 12, 2006
So . . .
Two people are reading, or should I say would read if I blogged. So maybe I should blog. But what about? Hmm.
. . .
I'm feeling anxious about money again. On Wednesday I went to my bank to see if we couldn't do anything to make it so they don't hold my pay cheques until they clear. And once again I was made to feel like a criminal with words like "fraud risk" being tossed around along with the arched eyebrow question about being paid in Miramichi but living in Sackville. I'm so shady. This after I trudged out there in the piss pouring rain.
This is why for years and years I had nothing to do with banks. Cash in pocket was the motto. The only reason I have an account now is so I can pay the landlord. The whole ordeal really bummed me out. I mean REALLY bummed me out. Not that I expected to be welcomed with open arms and treated like a normal person. (Remember, I'm very shady.) I didn't expect to have a complete breakdown about it afterward though. That was a most insane surprise. I guess it brought back some stuff, cell memory or something.
I was so overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness that I exploded into the hyperventilating almost puking sobbing loud enough to wake the neighbors ugly cry. I cannot remember the last time I had that cry. Surely it's been 7 or 8 years. I cry a lot, yes. I cry over movies, tv shows, books, websites, funny things the kids say--you name it and I'm ready to cry over it. But I cry quietly. It's a tear thing. Tears streaming down my face, blinding me, runny nose, the occasional whimper maybe. Most times though, you could sit with me in the room and not even know I'm crying, unless you looked into my eyes. Occasionally there is a light version of the ugly cry, with some sobs . . . but the gut twisting ugly cry . . . wow! That never happens. I mean it's been so long that I kinda forgot it existed, I thought Ugly Cry Lite was the big one. It is so NOT the big one!
So I had myself a great big ole bad-assed ugly cry that had nothing to do with the fact that I needed to find extra money somewhere so my rent wouldn't bounce; that I had no coffee, no cream, no milk, no bread, no wine, no soap, no salt, and numerous other sundry items; that I may possibly be late paying my credit card bill . . . unless I get a cash advance on my credit card to pay my credit card; that I couldn't go to the ballet today, or anywhere all week that wasn't free; that I got paid on the 4th but I won't actually be able to access any of that money until the 15th; that I have some loose change in my wallet, quarters mostly, and that is all there is and has been since Christ was a cowboy . . . nope, none of this caused the cry. Yeah, it's all very inconvenient and enough to piss anyone off. But if I hadn't gone to the bank meeting I would've just been pissed off and that would've been the end of it. Instead I went to a meeting to see if there is anything that can be done. Big mistake. I should've known better. Have I learned nothing all these years?
Self-esteem, self-worth, self-image--all these things are a daily struggle for me. It was right around 2000 or 2001, sometime in there as I hit my 30's that I started to pull myself back together after hitting bottom. And I mean, when I hit bottom, I REALLY hit bottom--physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. I could not have sunk any lower. I thought I would die. I wanted to die. I tried to die at every opportunity. I created opportunities to die. But I lived. No matter how many risks I took, no matter how much I tried to help my death along, it never happened. I kept walking away. So around about the turn of the century I came to understand that I wasn't going to be allowed to get out of my life so easily, that if I wanted something else for myself, I'd better do something about it because nobody else was going to. And I started confronting myself, my past, my demons. I wrote it out of me and I weeped. I spent a year locked in my bedroom writing and sobbing. I stopped taking pills and drinking everyday. I stayed sober for a year to make amends for staying drunk and high for three. I swore the next man I had sex with would be someone I loved. No more one night stands. No more men just for the sake of not being alone. And I read books and I did the self help exercises, staring at myself in the mirror and telling myself that I was good enough, that I was worth something, that I didn't need anyone else, that I'd be okay on my own, and I didn't believe a word of it, but I trusted the books that said if I did it long enough I'd trick my brain into believing. And I admitted I had a disease called arthritis and I quit smoking and I walked on a treadmill and I tried to eat more healthy. And my metabolism vanished and I gained weight like never before and still I didn't smoke. And I declared personal bankruptcy and started over. And I spent time with myself finding out what I wanted to do with my life, imagining what a good life looked like and telling myself that I deserved to have a good life. And I made progress. I continue to make progress.
And then I go to the bank and am called a criminal and I fall apart. I cried in the rain on the walk home, unable to hold the tears back even that long. I couldn't even talk to my mother on the phone, I was too upset. And then I burst into the almost forgotten ugly sobs. And I was right back there again. Worthless. A fuck up. Getting exactly what I deserved. I don't deserve any better. And suddenly the cup wasn't half full or even half empty it was shattered, non-existent. I thought I was past all those feelings. I thought I was stronger, that nobody could touch my self-worth anymore. That I'd done the work and I was good to roll. I guess I was wrong. It's a precarious house of cards and I can't take my eyes off it for a moment or someone could bring the whole thing down. Good to know.
Mood: moody
Drinking: water
Listening To: Breathe, Anna Nalick
Hair: dirty
. . .
I'm feeling anxious about money again. On Wednesday I went to my bank to see if we couldn't do anything to make it so they don't hold my pay cheques until they clear. And once again I was made to feel like a criminal with words like "fraud risk" being tossed around along with the arched eyebrow question about being paid in Miramichi but living in Sackville. I'm so shady. This after I trudged out there in the piss pouring rain.
This is why for years and years I had nothing to do with banks. Cash in pocket was the motto. The only reason I have an account now is so I can pay the landlord. The whole ordeal really bummed me out. I mean REALLY bummed me out. Not that I expected to be welcomed with open arms and treated like a normal person. (Remember, I'm very shady.) I didn't expect to have a complete breakdown about it afterward though. That was a most insane surprise. I guess it brought back some stuff, cell memory or something.
I was so overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness that I exploded into the hyperventilating almost puking sobbing loud enough to wake the neighbors ugly cry. I cannot remember the last time I had that cry. Surely it's been 7 or 8 years. I cry a lot, yes. I cry over movies, tv shows, books, websites, funny things the kids say--you name it and I'm ready to cry over it. But I cry quietly. It's a tear thing. Tears streaming down my face, blinding me, runny nose, the occasional whimper maybe. Most times though, you could sit with me in the room and not even know I'm crying, unless you looked into my eyes. Occasionally there is a light version of the ugly cry, with some sobs . . . but the gut twisting ugly cry . . . wow! That never happens. I mean it's been so long that I kinda forgot it existed, I thought Ugly Cry Lite was the big one. It is so NOT the big one!
So I had myself a great big ole bad-assed ugly cry that had nothing to do with the fact that I needed to find extra money somewhere so my rent wouldn't bounce; that I had no coffee, no cream, no milk, no bread, no wine, no soap, no salt, and numerous other sundry items; that I may possibly be late paying my credit card bill . . . unless I get a cash advance on my credit card to pay my credit card; that I couldn't go to the ballet today, or anywhere all week that wasn't free; that I got paid on the 4th but I won't actually be able to access any of that money until the 15th; that I have some loose change in my wallet, quarters mostly, and that is all there is and has been since Christ was a cowboy . . . nope, none of this caused the cry. Yeah, it's all very inconvenient and enough to piss anyone off. But if I hadn't gone to the bank meeting I would've just been pissed off and that would've been the end of it. Instead I went to a meeting to see if there is anything that can be done. Big mistake. I should've known better. Have I learned nothing all these years?
Self-esteem, self-worth, self-image--all these things are a daily struggle for me. It was right around 2000 or 2001, sometime in there as I hit my 30's that I started to pull myself back together after hitting bottom. And I mean, when I hit bottom, I REALLY hit bottom--physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. I could not have sunk any lower. I thought I would die. I wanted to die. I tried to die at every opportunity. I created opportunities to die. But I lived. No matter how many risks I took, no matter how much I tried to help my death along, it never happened. I kept walking away. So around about the turn of the century I came to understand that I wasn't going to be allowed to get out of my life so easily, that if I wanted something else for myself, I'd better do something about it because nobody else was going to. And I started confronting myself, my past, my demons. I wrote it out of me and I weeped. I spent a year locked in my bedroom writing and sobbing. I stopped taking pills and drinking everyday. I stayed sober for a year to make amends for staying drunk and high for three. I swore the next man I had sex with would be someone I loved. No more one night stands. No more men just for the sake of not being alone. And I read books and I did the self help exercises, staring at myself in the mirror and telling myself that I was good enough, that I was worth something, that I didn't need anyone else, that I'd be okay on my own, and I didn't believe a word of it, but I trusted the books that said if I did it long enough I'd trick my brain into believing. And I admitted I had a disease called arthritis and I quit smoking and I walked on a treadmill and I tried to eat more healthy. And my metabolism vanished and I gained weight like never before and still I didn't smoke. And I declared personal bankruptcy and started over. And I spent time with myself finding out what I wanted to do with my life, imagining what a good life looked like and telling myself that I deserved to have a good life. And I made progress. I continue to make progress.
And then I go to the bank and am called a criminal and I fall apart. I cried in the rain on the walk home, unable to hold the tears back even that long. I couldn't even talk to my mother on the phone, I was too upset. And then I burst into the almost forgotten ugly sobs. And I was right back there again. Worthless. A fuck up. Getting exactly what I deserved. I don't deserve any better. And suddenly the cup wasn't half full or even half empty it was shattered, non-existent. I thought I was past all those feelings. I thought I was stronger, that nobody could touch my self-worth anymore. That I'd done the work and I was good to roll. I guess I was wrong. It's a precarious house of cards and I can't take my eyes off it for a moment or someone could bring the whole thing down. Good to know.
Mood: moody
Drinking: water
Listening To: Breathe, Anna Nalick
Hair: dirty
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Random 10
Everybody's doing it.
Mood: all over the place
Drinking: coffee, french roast, organic, fair trade, with real cream, it don't get any better than this, folks
Listening To: Share Yourself, On the Speakers
Hair: looks like i'm not gonna have time for the cut i so badly need
- In View, The Tragically Hip
- Song Beneath the Song, Maria Taylor
- Soft Surrender, The Killers
- Retriever, Ron Sexsmith
- Help Yourself, Amy Winehouse
- Ego, The Sounds
- Sway, Bic Runga
- High, James Blunt
- Your Heart, Matt Mays
- SexyBack, Justin Timberlake
Mood: all over the place
Drinking: coffee, french roast, organic, fair trade, with real cream, it don't get any better than this, folks
Listening To: Share Yourself, On the Speakers
Hair: looks like i'm not gonna have time for the cut i so badly need
Friday, November 10, 2006
The Question
Am I not blogging because you're not reading? Or are you not reading because I'm not blogging?
Mood: quizzical
Drinking: nothing, i am dehydrated
Listening To: yard work
Hair: needing a cut in the worst way
Mood: quizzical
Drinking: nothing, i am dehydrated
Listening To: yard work
Hair: needing a cut in the worst way
Monday, November 06, 2006
CC Blues
I am returned from whirlwind weekend on the Mighty river. The weekend began with my train being almost 4 hours late. What is up with that?! Every frigging time now. Oh well, at least I wasn't on it when it hit the car. I got to stay home longer and do lots of works before I departed.
My father met me at the station and I helped him manoeuvre the new overpass to the highway. (No, it is not a traffic circle!) I arrived in the land of Barnbonia tightly wound and with no wine in sight. Oy!
Up semi-early Saturday and off to the Mighty office for a BnM meeting with the whole crew. Good stuff! And then a day of backyard exploration with the fearless leader. Chinese at Cunards before a Stedman's shopping spree. New pub opening soon in Chatham is going to be THE place to be. I can't wait to go and be snugged! The Monster donairs at the new place in Newcastle are the biggest thing I've ever seen! Truly monster proportions. They also have wraps for those not donair inclined. For the first time ever, Stacy and I stepped inside the Black Horse and everything we ever thought about the place turned out to be completely wrong. It's big! And bright! And clean! With pool tables and Pink Floyd on the jukebox and draught beer that you drink two at a time. It's not even a little scary. Totally hangable. Who knew? The Bulk Barn is a terrible place to go when you're hungry. They have the most huge selection of vegetarian and allergy conscious foods at the Sobeys in Douglastown. A McDonald's large fries is enough to feed a family of four. We found the overpass all on our own and called an early night of it around 11.
Sunday saw my mother's living room converted to a photo studio as I posed for some apparently necessary staff shots. This after being visited by Munchkins. And then I finally got to visit and see my sister's new house. It's beautiful! Big. Open. Fabulous! I grazed on root chips and nachos all evening then stayed up too late and overslept this morning.
Crazy packing and scurry to the train, which decided to run on time for once. Worked by longhand onboard. Cabbed home in blowing snow (only because I wasn't dressed warm enough, not because I didn't want to be out in snowflakes). And discovered most of my paycheque is being held (AGAIN!) for six business days. Called the bank. Nothing they can do unless I qualify for a VISA or overdraft with them . . . fat chance of that I think, but I'm gonna try. I have to! This is crazy. Had to transfer my savings to my chequing to ensure the rent doesn't bounce. Leaving me with $5 cash in pocket until next Tuesday when all my money will be released. So I'm poor. Broke. Again. Even though my bank account is full up. Bah! Humbug! Oh well, at least I have some food. Though no coffee to be found about the place :-(
Mood: wound up
Drinking: water
Listening To: water running outside (tighten the tap, boys! tighten the tap!)
Hair: i don't want to talk about it
My father met me at the station and I helped him manoeuvre the new overpass to the highway. (No, it is not a traffic circle!) I arrived in the land of Barnbonia tightly wound and with no wine in sight. Oy!
Up semi-early Saturday and off to the Mighty office for a BnM meeting with the whole crew. Good stuff! And then a day of backyard exploration with the fearless leader. Chinese at Cunards before a Stedman's shopping spree. New pub opening soon in Chatham is going to be THE place to be. I can't wait to go and be snugged! The Monster donairs at the new place in Newcastle are the biggest thing I've ever seen! Truly monster proportions. They also have wraps for those not donair inclined. For the first time ever, Stacy and I stepped inside the Black Horse and everything we ever thought about the place turned out to be completely wrong. It's big! And bright! And clean! With pool tables and Pink Floyd on the jukebox and draught beer that you drink two at a time. It's not even a little scary. Totally hangable. Who knew? The Bulk Barn is a terrible place to go when you're hungry. They have the most huge selection of vegetarian and allergy conscious foods at the Sobeys in Douglastown. A McDonald's large fries is enough to feed a family of four. We found the overpass all on our own and called an early night of it around 11.
Sunday saw my mother's living room converted to a photo studio as I posed for some apparently necessary staff shots. This after being visited by Munchkins. And then I finally got to visit and see my sister's new house. It's beautiful! Big. Open. Fabulous! I grazed on root chips and nachos all evening then stayed up too late and overslept this morning.
Crazy packing and scurry to the train, which decided to run on time for once. Worked by longhand onboard. Cabbed home in blowing snow (only because I wasn't dressed warm enough, not because I didn't want to be out in snowflakes). And discovered most of my paycheque is being held (AGAIN!) for six business days. Called the bank. Nothing they can do unless I qualify for a VISA or overdraft with them . . . fat chance of that I think, but I'm gonna try. I have to! This is crazy. Had to transfer my savings to my chequing to ensure the rent doesn't bounce. Leaving me with $5 cash in pocket until next Tuesday when all my money will be released. So I'm poor. Broke. Again. Even though my bank account is full up. Bah! Humbug! Oh well, at least I have some food. Though no coffee to be found about the place :-(
Mood: wound up
Drinking: water
Listening To: water running outside (tighten the tap, boys! tighten the tap!)
Hair: i don't want to talk about it
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Cherry
Supposed to get some flurries today maybe . . . in Northern NB, not here. I'm disappointed. Oh well. Yesterday I was reminded of Christmas past. I get my procrastination from my dad I think. My dad is a huge procrastinator. Monumental! This likely had more of an effect on my childhood than my younger sisters because when I was growing up my mother hadn't yet stepped into her full potential, hadn't really started doing things herself. So there were things that just didn't get done because my dad never got around to doing them and other things that never got done until very late. Rather than get a Christmas tree herself (which she would totally do now) it was my father's responsibility to get a tree and being the greatest procrastinator of all time he would wait until the last possible moment.
Back then we didn't buy Christmas trees, we went into the woods and chopped one down. And so it came to pass that every Christmas Eve, long after dark, Dad and I would be in the woods back Dungarvon, Cains River or Lockstead with the flashlight and the axe, usually wading snow up past my knees, sometimes during a blizzard, searching for the perfect tree. It was an exciting and frustrating activity. I was more inclined to just take whatever we stumbled across first, but Dad still wanted to get the prettiest tree he could find. So the process was long. And in the dark, you couldn't really tell what you got until you got it home.
In early years the whole family would go on these excursions, I remember Mom and Sherry being in the car, maybe Jenn too as a baby in Mom's arms in the front seat. And I don't think it was left quite so late, but at the end it was just me and Dad on Christmas Eve. Each year returning with an even scragglier Charlie Brown tree than the Christmas before. It would be after 9 before we'd even get home with it and then the rush of bed lunches and Santa's snack and getting off to bed. It would be after midnight before Mom would have the tree decorated. Us kids wouldn't even see it until Christmas morning. I know it drove her crazy. It became a running joke in the family, about the Christmas Eve Holy (as in full of holes) trees that Dad and I would bring home.
I'm not sure when this practice came to an end. Probably when I got too old to go with him. I remember him bringing trees home from work with him. I think my boyfriend and his friends got Mom a tree some years. And likely Mom took to the woods herself when I was in high school and she started to look to Dad less for things. My mother got her driver's license and went to work and became a different person after I graduated high school. I understand now that I was partly the catalyst. They needed more money to help me live in Toronto and stay in school. So, my sisters had a different mother for part of their childhood than the one I grew up with.
Mom got an artificial tree a year or so ago, but even before that she would buy a real tree weeks before Christmas. No more waiting until Christmas Eve. Her house is always decorated for the holidays weeks before the event and until after the New Year.
Mood: nostalgic
Drinking: coffee, cold
Listening To: Promiscuous Girl, Nelly Furtado with Timbaland
Hair: questionable
Back then we didn't buy Christmas trees, we went into the woods and chopped one down. And so it came to pass that every Christmas Eve, long after dark, Dad and I would be in the woods back Dungarvon, Cains River or Lockstead with the flashlight and the axe, usually wading snow up past my knees, sometimes during a blizzard, searching for the perfect tree. It was an exciting and frustrating activity. I was more inclined to just take whatever we stumbled across first, but Dad still wanted to get the prettiest tree he could find. So the process was long. And in the dark, you couldn't really tell what you got until you got it home.
In early years the whole family would go on these excursions, I remember Mom and Sherry being in the car, maybe Jenn too as a baby in Mom's arms in the front seat. And I don't think it was left quite so late, but at the end it was just me and Dad on Christmas Eve. Each year returning with an even scragglier Charlie Brown tree than the Christmas before. It would be after 9 before we'd even get home with it and then the rush of bed lunches and Santa's snack and getting off to bed. It would be after midnight before Mom would have the tree decorated. Us kids wouldn't even see it until Christmas morning. I know it drove her crazy. It became a running joke in the family, about the Christmas Eve Holy (as in full of holes) trees that Dad and I would bring home.
I'm not sure when this practice came to an end. Probably when I got too old to go with him. I remember him bringing trees home from work with him. I think my boyfriend and his friends got Mom a tree some years. And likely Mom took to the woods herself when I was in high school and she started to look to Dad less for things. My mother got her driver's license and went to work and became a different person after I graduated high school. I understand now that I was partly the catalyst. They needed more money to help me live in Toronto and stay in school. So, my sisters had a different mother for part of their childhood than the one I grew up with.
Mom got an artificial tree a year or so ago, but even before that she would buy a real tree weeks before Christmas. No more waiting until Christmas Eve. Her house is always decorated for the holidays weeks before the event and until after the New Year.
Mood: nostalgic
Drinking: coffee, cold
Listening To: Promiscuous Girl, Nelly Furtado with Timbaland
Hair: questionable
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Easy Silence
Doing a little better today maybe. Haven't been myself for over a week now, since last Monday, but yesterday seems to have been the worst of it. I think I hit the peak and now I'm heading down the other side to level ground again. Feeling a bit calmer. Of course I haven't actually had any interaction with anyone yet today to test the water, to see if I can go from 0 to infinity in a second. Yesterday I just wanted to beat somebody up, like physically assault somebody. Days like that I wish for a punching bag. Instead I had to settle for fighting 90km wind on my run-around. Froze my ears. Hats are back! Yay!
I can't wait for snow. I just feel like it'll all be okay if only it would snow. White everywhere. Yes, I might be sick of it come March, but right now I want some. Last winter hardly arrived. They say we're not going to get much snow this winter either. They're certainly getting it out west. Last night on Entertainment Tonight Canada they were in the Yukon. Dawson City at Berton House. This place is perfect for me! I bet if I went to the Yukon, I'd never come back. You think I'm kidding?
Mood: improved
Drinking: coffee, instant, lots of cream
Listening To: Not Ready to Make Nice, The Dixie Chicks (on Oprah they said this was a "rock" album . . . yeah, not quite dudes, still I like the lyrics on most of the tracks and want to see the documentary, they're feisty, gotta give them that)
Hair: changes coming on soon
I can't wait for snow. I just feel like it'll all be okay if only it would snow. White everywhere. Yes, I might be sick of it come March, but right now I want some. Last winter hardly arrived. They say we're not going to get much snow this winter either. They're certainly getting it out west. Last night on Entertainment Tonight Canada they were in the Yukon. Dawson City at Berton House. This place is perfect for me! I bet if I went to the Yukon, I'd never come back. You think I'm kidding?
Mood: improved
Drinking: coffee, instant, lots of cream
Listening To: Not Ready to Make Nice, The Dixie Chicks (on Oprah they said this was a "rock" album . . . yeah, not quite dudes, still I like the lyrics on most of the tracks and want to see the documentary, they're feisty, gotta give them that)
Hair: changes coming on soon
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Porchlight
Bad day. Out of sorts. Same shit. Sigh. I can't be happy like this. I need to re-assess the situation. Later. When I'm clearer. Throbbing headache right now. So, it's Halloween. Yay, woop-dee-doo. I would go buy chocolate bar treats, if I had energy, money, time for such foolishness and so on. Maybe I need to see a doctor.
Mood: nasty
Drinking: cold coffee, and I'm out
Listening To: This River is Wild, The Killers
Hair: having a tenuous future
Mood: nasty
Drinking: cold coffee, and I'm out
Listening To: This River is Wild, The Killers
Hair: having a tenuous future
Monday, October 30, 2006
Back Home Weather
Still windy. Hail warning, though sun's out at the moment. Another party in my dreams last night. This one not at that same club though. A house party maybe. Perhaps inspired by the house party I am to attend this weekend for my brother-in-law's birthday. I know it's on my mind. Having to find some entertaining (but not done to death at past parties) games. Having to find time to cook something for a pot luck affair in the middle of insane crazy day. And of course the boy is turning 40. Wow! We are growing up. I guess. Well, he certainly has. He's still got a few years on me though, so maybe there's hope for me yet. Perhaps I'm making progress. I get all melancholy when I think back to when I first met my brother-in-law. I think I was 13. Perhaps 14. Though no older. I think I met him the late spring just before my 14th birthday, or early summer just after. It was the first time I got drunk on Hermit's Wine. We drank wine and ate white peppermints and told silly jokes and laughed and had a good time. Months later, in late fall, we became friends. And we've been ever since. It was unexpected, but completely logical that he should be family now. And we're having a party. He doesn't know. Don't tell him, okay? He said he didn't want a party. This worries me a bit. Just a smidge. He could balk. We'll see. At least it's not going to be a total surprise party like we did one year for my sister. That freaked her out big time! We learned a lesson there.
Mood: achy joints
Drinking: coffee with cream (the almost last of the Mexican Morning)
Listening To: Train from Kansas City, Neko Case (this is as country as I get)
Hair: something's gotta give
Mood: achy joints
Drinking: coffee with cream (the almost last of the Mexican Morning)
Listening To: Train from Kansas City, Neko Case (this is as country as I get)
Hair: something's gotta give
Goodbye My Lover
What a weekend! Crazy weather. Wind and rain drowning out the music, the tv. Some lightning and thunder. Some wet snow and ice pellets.
Last night I dreamed about a bar that is becoming a recurring place in my dreams. It's a new place for me. Hasn't been around in my dreams very long. A huge night club, many rooms, dance music, though I've never seen a dance floor there, it's extremely dark in there, like the walls and ceiling and floor have been painted black. Hefty cover charge to get in, like 20 bucks or something, pretty outrageous for no band nor deejay that I've seen. It's the kind of place where everyone is wearing designer-look clothes. Girls in skimpy dresses and four inch strappy sandals, men in Armani. In every dream I've had about this place I'm always there for the first time, with someone, or meeting someone, and not feeling so comfortable, not really liking the music so much, put off by the big cover, and I go to the bar and order a glass of red wine . . . it's $25 for a glass, an empty glass. The bartenders only mix cocktails. The place doesn't even sell any beer. But they have wine and champagne, they just don't pour it for you. You pay $25 for a clean glass and then help yourself to the selection from a huge counter in the ladies' room. This freaks me out a little when the bartender first tells me, but then I think $25 for all I can drink in a swanky club is the deal of the century and I head off to find the ladies. In the past I've never made it through the maze of hallways and rooms, but last night I found the facilities. HUGE! Many rooms. No peeing in the pouring section. No washing hands and powdering noses in the peeing or pouring. Fuchsia walls. Plush carpets and fancy settees. Very pleasant. And I couldn't believe the selection of wine. I poured and then went to find whoever I'm there with. Then I noticed the trays of finger foods everywhere, cheese, crackers, grapes, tiny sandwiches, cream puffs, not the usual pretzels and peanuts. It's quite the place. Maybe someday I'll even find out why I'm there.
Not a computer day today. Should've been. Lots to do. But the day was spent curled up. In bed. On the futon. In front of the tv. Listening to music. Sometimes just the dryer. Other times only the wind and rain. I made scones for breakfast. From scratch. Which is not as impressive as it might sound. Maybe pancakes tomorrow.
I've just realised I'm going to miss my friend's play next weekend. Damn! Why does that always happen to me?
Tonight I practiced reading Tarot for the first time in a long time. My cards. I did the lay-out writing down what I thought it meant and then checked myself with the books. I didn't do half bad for someone who hasn't touched a card in about 8 or 9 years. It's on my list you know, to practice Tarot a few times a week for . . . I forget how long, maybe a month. The idea was to get good at it again just for my own amusement, but someone found out I used to do this and wants a reading. So it's good motivation to practice I suppose.
Sad tonight. Melancholy. This too will pass in time.
Mood: crampy
Drinking: water
Listening To: Star Witness, Neko Case
Hair: think olivia newton john getting physical, yep, it's a headband
Last night I dreamed about a bar that is becoming a recurring place in my dreams. It's a new place for me. Hasn't been around in my dreams very long. A huge night club, many rooms, dance music, though I've never seen a dance floor there, it's extremely dark in there, like the walls and ceiling and floor have been painted black. Hefty cover charge to get in, like 20 bucks or something, pretty outrageous for no band nor deejay that I've seen. It's the kind of place where everyone is wearing designer-look clothes. Girls in skimpy dresses and four inch strappy sandals, men in Armani. In every dream I've had about this place I'm always there for the first time, with someone, or meeting someone, and not feeling so comfortable, not really liking the music so much, put off by the big cover, and I go to the bar and order a glass of red wine . . . it's $25 for a glass, an empty glass. The bartenders only mix cocktails. The place doesn't even sell any beer. But they have wine and champagne, they just don't pour it for you. You pay $25 for a clean glass and then help yourself to the selection from a huge counter in the ladies' room. This freaks me out a little when the bartender first tells me, but then I think $25 for all I can drink in a swanky club is the deal of the century and I head off to find the ladies. In the past I've never made it through the maze of hallways and rooms, but last night I found the facilities. HUGE! Many rooms. No peeing in the pouring section. No washing hands and powdering noses in the peeing or pouring. Fuchsia walls. Plush carpets and fancy settees. Very pleasant. And I couldn't believe the selection of wine. I poured and then went to find whoever I'm there with. Then I noticed the trays of finger foods everywhere, cheese, crackers, grapes, tiny sandwiches, cream puffs, not the usual pretzels and peanuts. It's quite the place. Maybe someday I'll even find out why I'm there.
Not a computer day today. Should've been. Lots to do. But the day was spent curled up. In bed. On the futon. In front of the tv. Listening to music. Sometimes just the dryer. Other times only the wind and rain. I made scones for breakfast. From scratch. Which is not as impressive as it might sound. Maybe pancakes tomorrow.
I've just realised I'm going to miss my friend's play next weekend. Damn! Why does that always happen to me?
Tonight I practiced reading Tarot for the first time in a long time. My cards. I did the lay-out writing down what I thought it meant and then checked myself with the books. I didn't do half bad for someone who hasn't touched a card in about 8 or 9 years. It's on my list you know, to practice Tarot a few times a week for . . . I forget how long, maybe a month. The idea was to get good at it again just for my own amusement, but someone found out I used to do this and wants a reading. So it's good motivation to practice I suppose.
Sad tonight. Melancholy. This too will pass in time.
Mood: crampy
Drinking: water
Listening To: Star Witness, Neko Case
Hair: think olivia newton john getting physical, yep, it's a headband
Friday, October 27, 2006
In My Heaven
Another late night last night. Couldn't sleep. Anxiety in the middle of the week. Got up and worked for almost three hours. Then slept late. Of course. The dreams are driving me crazy anyway, so even sleep isn't very restful. GET OUT OF MY HEAD! Oh, it's so frustrating.
Going home next weekend. Arrive Friday night. Leave Monday morning. A full schedule in between.
Mood: tired and cranky
Drinking: coffee, blonde
Listening To: I'm Your Man, Leonard Cohen
Hair: still attached at the roots
Going home next weekend. Arrive Friday night. Leave Monday morning. A full schedule in between.
Mood: tired and cranky
Drinking: coffee, blonde
Listening To: I'm Your Man, Leonard Cohen
Hair: still attached at the roots
Thursday, October 26, 2006
We Don't Need to Be Wonderful Initially
Not the most productive day yesterday. Knee acting up. Crampy stomach. I went out in the rain and then couldn't get warmed back up. I was pretty sleepy too. So I found myself with the heat cranked; wearing my fuzzy socks, fleece pants, a tank top, t-shirt, pull-over and cardigan; wrapped to my neck in my bed's comforter; curled into the fetal on the futon in front of the tv. And I didn't move most of the late afternoon and all evening. I appear to have warmed up today. My knee is still aching though.
I like Wednesday night television. There are no hollywood shows that I watch so I get to watch the CBC. Last night on the Dragon's Den there was a woman who had seized upon Dr. Emoto's water theory and was touting essenced water sprays. She sang to the water. I thought it was really cool, but why anyone would buy her water when we can all meditate upon our own water, is beyond me. But there are probably people who would. But other than the lone female dragon (why only one?) nobody on the panel had any idea what this lady was talking about. They thought she was a freak. Watching this show week after week, I've noticed that they don't know much (or anything) about health concerns or natural alternatives or organics or anything . . . isn't that an absolutely HUGE market right now? Isn't that like saying they've never heard of the Internet for godsake? Whenever anyone comes in front of them and says anything about health conscious people reading the labels, they seem to tune out. As if the idea that people read labels is a bit absurd. These are some of the most successful and rich business people in the country. And this disturbs me somewhat. I don't know, I just expect that if you're going to have all this success and make tons of money, you should know something. I suppose they know stuff about the industries they are in. Obviously. Still, they've let a lot of good natural products go by the wayside without investing, just because they don't get it.
Mood: so-so
Drinking: mexican morning, almost black
Listening To: Denis Waitley, The Platinum Collection
Hair: purchased new shampoo yesterday
I like Wednesday night television. There are no hollywood shows that I watch so I get to watch the CBC. Last night on the Dragon's Den there was a woman who had seized upon Dr. Emoto's water theory and was touting essenced water sprays. She sang to the water. I thought it was really cool, but why anyone would buy her water when we can all meditate upon our own water, is beyond me. But there are probably people who would. But other than the lone female dragon (why only one?) nobody on the panel had any idea what this lady was talking about. They thought she was a freak. Watching this show week after week, I've noticed that they don't know much (or anything) about health concerns or natural alternatives or organics or anything . . . isn't that an absolutely HUGE market right now? Isn't that like saying they've never heard of the Internet for godsake? Whenever anyone comes in front of them and says anything about health conscious people reading the labels, they seem to tune out. As if the idea that people read labels is a bit absurd. These are some of the most successful and rich business people in the country. And this disturbs me somewhat. I don't know, I just expect that if you're going to have all this success and make tons of money, you should know something. I suppose they know stuff about the industries they are in. Obviously. Still, they've let a lot of good natural products go by the wayside without investing, just because they don't get it.
Mood: so-so
Drinking: mexican morning, almost black
Listening To: Denis Waitley, The Platinum Collection
Hair: purchased new shampoo yesterday
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
For Reasons Unknown
Wicked crazy dream last night. It's possible I am being influenced by the television. I'm terrified to turn it off and hear scratching in the walls at night. Maybe there is none to be heard. Maybe I imagined the whole thing. Still, I'm not ready to go into the silence. Anyway, the crazy dream!
I dreamed I got a new job as a private security guard. I had to work for an ex-boyfriend/dealer and his new wife and kid. There was a security shack in the yard and I went there to relieve the day guy (I was supposed to do nights). The guy was one of my cousins, which was kind of weird, and he didn't seem at all competent in this job as he showed me around the house and gave me the details of the nightly routine. Across the road from the house there was a lane with an old orange school bus parked in it. One of the jobs as security was to drive the bus back over the hill once an hour to check on the crops and make sure nobody was in there stealing anything. This panicked me a bit, I hadn't realized I'd have to drive a bus and I'd never driven one before so I was a little freaked out.
While my cousin was showing me around telling me what to do, the family started to settle into their house for the evening. We were to lock them in and set the perimeter alarm. Just as we were getting ready to do that, we were attacked by a rival drug dealer and his thugs (all people I knew, in that way that everyone in a small town knows each other). I got shot with an electric stun gun. It was still daylight, a mid-summer evening, anyone driving past could clearly see what was happening. These thugs also had a bus, one of those old buses that you see in movies and on tv. The kind you'd see on a show like MASH, transporting a bunch of the locals to another village. All the doors on the bus flung open and a half dozen guys overwhelmed the house, holding the man at gunpoint and making him show them where everything was stashed. He was blubbering, convinced we'd all be shot as soon as the bus was loaded. They emptied the house and piled the inside of the bus to the ceiling in no time. As they climbed into the bus, hanging out the doors and windows, and started to pull out, the guy went crazy, running after them holding a huge brown wooden cross, pleading for God to help, crying that he was ruined. I couldn't believe it, seemed like the stupidest thing to do, he'd get himself shot. And I wondered if that was the plan, if he was truly ruined maybe he was suicidal.
As the bus lumbered slowly down the road with him running after screaming and waving the cross, all of a sudden a line of people danced onto the road in front of them blocking their path. I say a line because that's what it was, all these men, different ages, different sizes, holding clubs and bats and machetes and axes, shoulder to shoulder like the girls in a chorus line. They moved as a unit and they literally danced out onto the road. Not with high kicks like the chorus girls, but more like a boy band or country line dancers or the dancers from a Michael Jackson video. A line came from the right side of the road and then one came in behind them from the left and behind them from the right until soon there were thousands of armed men on the road dancing toward the drug thieves' bus. They didn't stop dancing as they advanced. It was like some sort of macabre musical.
I woke up before they got to the bus. Weird dream.
Mood: dozy
Drinking: coffee with a generous helping of cream
Listening To:
Hair: like a man's receding hairline (because i had a headband on to keep the hair out of my eyes while doing physical activity yesterday, but since my hair was wet, it dried like that, and stayed that way even after the headband was removed)
I dreamed I got a new job as a private security guard. I had to work for an ex-boyfriend/dealer and his new wife and kid. There was a security shack in the yard and I went there to relieve the day guy (I was supposed to do nights). The guy was one of my cousins, which was kind of weird, and he didn't seem at all competent in this job as he showed me around the house and gave me the details of the nightly routine. Across the road from the house there was a lane with an old orange school bus parked in it. One of the jobs as security was to drive the bus back over the hill once an hour to check on the crops and make sure nobody was in there stealing anything. This panicked me a bit, I hadn't realized I'd have to drive a bus and I'd never driven one before so I was a little freaked out.
While my cousin was showing me around telling me what to do, the family started to settle into their house for the evening. We were to lock them in and set the perimeter alarm. Just as we were getting ready to do that, we were attacked by a rival drug dealer and his thugs (all people I knew, in that way that everyone in a small town knows each other). I got shot with an electric stun gun. It was still daylight, a mid-summer evening, anyone driving past could clearly see what was happening. These thugs also had a bus, one of those old buses that you see in movies and on tv. The kind you'd see on a show like MASH, transporting a bunch of the locals to another village. All the doors on the bus flung open and a half dozen guys overwhelmed the house, holding the man at gunpoint and making him show them where everything was stashed. He was blubbering, convinced we'd all be shot as soon as the bus was loaded. They emptied the house and piled the inside of the bus to the ceiling in no time. As they climbed into the bus, hanging out the doors and windows, and started to pull out, the guy went crazy, running after them holding a huge brown wooden cross, pleading for God to help, crying that he was ruined. I couldn't believe it, seemed like the stupidest thing to do, he'd get himself shot. And I wondered if that was the plan, if he was truly ruined maybe he was suicidal.
As the bus lumbered slowly down the road with him running after screaming and waving the cross, all of a sudden a line of people danced onto the road in front of them blocking their path. I say a line because that's what it was, all these men, different ages, different sizes, holding clubs and bats and machetes and axes, shoulder to shoulder like the girls in a chorus line. They moved as a unit and they literally danced out onto the road. Not with high kicks like the chorus girls, but more like a boy band or country line dancers or the dancers from a Michael Jackson video. A line came from the right side of the road and then one came in behind them from the left and behind them from the right until soon there were thousands of armed men on the road dancing toward the drug thieves' bus. They didn't stop dancing as they advanced. It was like some sort of macabre musical.
I woke up before they got to the bus. Weird dream.
Mood: dozy
Drinking: coffee with a generous helping of cream
Listening To:
Hair: like a man's receding hairline (because i had a headband on to keep the hair out of my eyes while doing physical activity yesterday, but since my hair was wet, it dried like that, and stayed that way even after the headband was removed)
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