Moved to www.kellieunderhill.com

This blog has moved to www.kellieunderhill.com

Beyond Limbo ... Life

When I first started this blog I was adrift, living without purpose or direction. I was quite literally living in limbo. A lot has changed since then. I moved to Sackville. I moved back to Miramichi. We launched a print edition of Bread 'n Molasses. My nieces were diagnosed with diabetes. My baby brother moved out of my parents house, got a permanent job and engaged to the girl I would have handpicked for him if I had been able to handpick. I started dating again. I fell in love. I got my heart broke. I settled all my unresolved Toronto issues finally after almost 20 years. I became actively involved in the New Brunswick community of writers. I started drinking wine ...

My Wrist

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed on Tuesday, May 8, 2007, and sent via FutureMe.org

Dear FutureKellie,

Six months ago you had a nagging pain in your left wrist. You weren't sure how long you had been experiencing pain or whether the pain was the result of some injury or over-exertion (i.e. carrying a lot of shopping bags for great distances, carrying heavy boxes during the move, etc.)

So what about today? Do you still have this pain? If so, it's been a solid six months! For christsake, isn't it time you go it checked out?!

Love you lots,
PastKellie

I'm happy to report the wrist seems to have healed. Yay!

Mood: manic
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: computer thrumming
Hair: greasy

If ...

If I were doing Nanowrimo ... which I am TOTALLY not :) but IF I were ... I would be at 21,037 words. If, you know. That's kind of exciting. I'm living this story right now, writing in my sleep even. This is good. Good things will happen this way. Every day I call my mom and ask her if she remembers the time ... and then she'll say yes and we'll talk about it and then I remind her again that even though some situations resemble my real life, the mother character in my story is in no way shape or form based on her ... she says she knows. Soon, I'll have to start calling Dad every day to tell him the same thing. Though the last time I dissed a father character in one of my stories and Dad thought it was based on him, he was flattered rather than hurt. So, one never knows how it'll go.

One thing is for sure, I've definitely started letting go of what really happened and jumped off into the pool of what never happened but wouldn't it make a good story if it did.

Mood: creative, wired
Drinking: water
Listening To: typing
Hair: spiked

Death of a Disco Dancer

I'm all over the place today. Stressed (about money, what else is there?) Restless (moon stuff, dreams, writing, non-drowsy meds). Excited (niece is out of hospital! wrote 10,500 words this weekend on creative personal project!) Listening to old punk and trying to settle in to accomplish something this evening.

Here's a meme. Courtesy of Wandering Coyote. Play along if you like.

1. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain? I live at the end of the rainbow. FYI, there's no pot of gold here.

2. If you have a dream come true, what would it be? My dreams come true all the time.

3. Do you believe in eternity love? I do AND I don't. I don't believe that there's only one right person. I think we have many forever loves.

4. What feeling do you love most? joy

5. What feeling do you hate the most? fear

6. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours? Absolutely

7. Do you believe in God? Yes ... but not the organized religion kind.

8. Who cares for you most? If you mean who cares for me more than anyone else, then that would be me. If you mean out of all the people who care for me, who cares most, then that's probably my parents.

9. What do you think is the most important thing in your life? my family

10. What emotion do you like to show? enthusiasm

11. If you have something troubling you, what do you do? I cry, write the crap out of it, weigh pros and cons, make a plan, act on the plan

12. Who do you admire most? I admire a lot of people for different reasons, it's apples and oranges to pick a most admired. I tend to admire people who are very calm, optimistic, spiritual and logical.

13. Who did you last chat with in a chat room? I don't do chat rooms. On MSN chat it was probably Joe last week

14. What kind of person do you think the one we stole this meme from is? WC? Hmm, I've really no idea, but from what I've read we have a few things in common, and I know she's a kick ass cook!

15. What color did you use to dye your hair? Right now it's very dark brown, before that it was a light blonde. I've been strawberry blonde, orange red, dark red auburn, light brown ... but nothing too radical

16. Why are you doing this meme? something to do, to get my fingers started on the keyboard

17. What do you do when you’re moody? drink wine, eat junk, watch a lot of tv

18. At which age do you wish to or did you, get married? very glad i did not marry when i was younger, i shudder to think of the trail of divorce i'd have behind me. i used to be anti-marriage, but i'm mellowing on the subject. i think i'll say yes to the next guy who asks ... i broke up with the last three, lol

19. If today is the last day of your life, what will you do? hopefully i know it's the last day and i make plans because if today is the last i wasted it on editing, banking and this meme. if i knew ahead of time i'd spend the day with my family and dog

20. Who is the person you trust the most? me. just me.

21. Last time you smiled? today, when stacy called

22. What are you listening to right now? AccuRadio Vintage Violence channel, "Over the Edge" The Wipers

23. Who was the last person you saw in your dream? hmm, i think it was me ...

24. Are you talking to someone while doing this? nope

25. Do you walk with your eyes open or closed? i do real good not to fall flat on my face with my eyes wide open thank you very much ... closed? wtf? who does that?

26. Is there a quote you live by? For writing purposes it's "you must shine in every sentence" which is not exactly a quote but more of a paraphrase of something Mordecai Richler said. In life it's "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around" from the movie Vanilla Sky.

27. Do you want someone you cannot have? only if movie stars count

28. Who always makes you laugh? cute with chris, J-Money, Liam Sullivan

29. What was the worst idea you’ve had this week? the week has only begun, but i'd say it was going to sobey's today

30. Do you speak another language other than English? no, though i'd love to be able to speak french and italian

Mood: weird
Drinking: nothing, need another cup of tea
Listening To: melody, serge gainsbourg (oh hell yeah! i am grooving on this, reminds me of frye festival)
Hair: clean but unkempt, i washed it and didn't even comb it afterward, for serious

Katt Lives!

A couple of weeks ago I started meeting with a couple of writing friends to workshop. We've been meeting once a week, and so far we've met twice with a third meeting set for this week. It's doing wonders for me and my writing. When the idea first came up I didn't know what I would focus on, I just knew that I needed to be working on something and left to my own devices without any pressure to produce for a group, I may very well toil away the rest of my days writing only articles and editorials for BnM.

The first get together with the girls was upon me and I hadn't written shit. So I went into my files and pulled something to take to them. Because of all my hard drive failures in the past a lot of what I've written doesn't exist on this computer, unless it had an incarnation on this blog. Two chapters from Katt's Lives originated on here. So I started by taking them to the group. Two chapters were all I had written, though I have an outline of sorts. If all goes as planned, it looks like a 12 chapter book. Two meetings down and I'm out of old material. Time to push forward. So last week I started writing. I started with the first chapter, the beginning, and by the time the meeting rolled around I had three pages to bring to the table. About 1500 words. Not much, but brand spanking new baby! This is a step for me.

Three pages was enough to awaken the story in my brain. I'm eating and sleeping with Katt now. I'm writing consciously, unconsciously, 24/7. Yesterday I took to the keyboard again. Chapter one grew to 4500 words and I didn't want to stop then but it was so late I knew I needed sleep and I promised myself I'd get back to it today. I dreamed with Katt all night. I don't have all the answers for her. Things can go a variety of ways. I usually write from personal experience. Personal experience is the jumping off point, but then creativity takes over and anything can happen. It's up to me to figure it out and sometimes it's more difficult to leave my experience behind and unearth Katt's experience. But I'm loving the process! I haven't been this fired up since I can't remember when. It's been years.

November is National Novel Writing Month (Nanowrimo) and I didn't sign up or anything, but maybe, just maybe, I'm doing it anyway.

Mood: excited
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: running on empty, jackson browne
Hair: sassy

Bloody Well Right

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed on Sunday, October 28, 2007, and sent via FutureMe.org

Dear FutureKel,
A year ago you listened to motivational speaker Les Brown speak about how sometimes when we experience a set-back or trauma we pull off to the side of the road and park. We roll up the windows and settle back into our leather seats completely oblivious that there are people out on the highway who will stop and help us, give us a boost, give us a lift, if only we put on the four-way flashers and let them know we are there.

This impacted you.

You understood that with regard to love and relationships you had pulled off the road a long time ago. You decided to do something about it. One year ago today you were supposed to have a coffee date with a man from Bathurst.

So what happened FutureKel? Did you stay open to the idea of love? Or did you close yourself off and ignore opportunities? Are you seeing anyone now? When was the last time you went out on a date? Have you made any new friends?

I hope you are doing wonderfully well and enjoying life to its fullest. I hope you have love and happiness and someone to share in your joy. But if you don't, take some time today to remember the lesson of Les Brown and turn on those 4-ways again.

Peace and joy always!
PastKel

What a shocker to get this email from myself this morning! Has it only been a year? That seems like ages ago. Time has slowed to a crawl.

Okay, so what happened? Bathurst guy ended after an annoying abundance of phone calls and two dates. Then there was Sussex guy, two months of emails, one date, no chemistry. This was followed by Salisbury guy, four months, fell in love, got heart broke. Then rebound Blackville guy, couple of rendezvous. And finally summer fling Woodstock guy, who was lovely in text message, but I nearly killed in person. A year, five guys, one broken heart, I can live with that. I think I'm out of the car.

Mood: contemplative
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: i wanna be sedated, the ramones
Hair: imagine if i stuck a fork into an electrical outlet ...

Don't Want to be Haunted by the Ghost

In the dream I'm in an airport waiting to depart. Not sure where I'm going but I have a sneaky suspicion it has something to do with the loonie-sized bony bump on my thigh. It is like the one I have at the base of my middle finger on my left hand, only much larger and not at a joint. In the dream, my thighs are much smaller like in the days of boys and bars. All I have is a small carry-on and a jean jacket. I'm wearing a pale blue checkered shirt, the one I used to have with the silver threading, and those short black lace-up boots with the 1-inch heel that I used to wear all the time. My hair is longish and light brown. I'm an odd caricature of myself from different times in my life.

I'm flipping through a magazine, not really reading, when I notice the guy. He's middle-aged, pot-bellied and balding. His sweat stained tank top doesn't quite reach the elastic waistband of the jogging pants hanging low off his hips. There are curly black hairs around his belly button. He looks a little crazy, and is definitely agitated as he tries to stuff his suitcase into a locker. It won't fit. He starts swearing, jamming the suitcase harder. When he notices security officers approaching him, he starts yelling stuff like, "It's not fair! You shouldn't say it's going to fit if it's not going to fit! I'm a person too you know! I have rights!" And then he throws the suitcase and bolts, running right toward me where I'm sitting calming watching the scene. The security officers run after him, bellowing for back-up into their shoulder radios.

I don't mean for it to happen, but when he runs through the aisle where I'm sitting he trips over my boots and falls face first onto the floor right at my feet. Security are on him before he knows what hit him. As they're handcuffing him and pulling him up, he looks at me and I lean in and shrug. "Sorry," I say. "I have big feet." He nods and in a completely normal pleasant voice says, "oh, don't worry about it, I understand. I've got big feet too." And he holds up a foot for me to see. His feet are indeed pretty large for a man of his height.

Just then my flight is called for boarding. I shoulder my carry-on and get in line, but as the line winds its way through a hall I see that I'm not getting on a plane after all, but rather some kind of a fancy train. The extra-wide cars are made entirely of glass and inside instead of aisles and seats there are large ballrooms with round tables set in cream coloured linens and full-dinner service. Waiters in black tuxedos and white gloves rush around with silver trays in the air getting things ready for dinner. Passengers are being asked to board at the very back of the train. A uniformed conductor takes my ticket and helps me step across the gap.

Inside I find myself in a huge lounge. It's like something out of the Roaring 20s, like a scene from Titanic (before it sunk). Chandeliers, thick tapestries, leather and mahogany furniture, a grand piano in one corner, jazz music ... all the men wear tuxedos and chew on cigars while the women glitter in shimmery gowns and take slow long drags off cigarettes held in long holders. I'm shocked and amazed and feeling a little like Dorothy ... We're not in Kansas anymore ...

I climb into a high bar chair and order a glass of wine from the dapper little bartender. As I turn to set my bag on the chair beside me I notice a woman sitting there. It's my friend Judy and she looks stunning in bright red flapper attire. I'm surprised to see her but she's been waiting for me. We've been invited to this dinner. It's important. I don't know anything about this, but I go along. I am feeling pretty hungry. My wine arrives and we're chatting and I'm starting to feel really good about this place, no matter if it's not where I expected I would be. And then a man brushes against me as he steps up to the bar.

He wears a brown wool suit and his hands turn a Bowler hat round and round by its brim. He's a sharp contrast to all the gloves, tails and top hats. He and I stick out in this crowd. Two of these things are not like the others. He turns sideways leaning on his elbow against the bar to survey the room while he waits for his rum drink. And then I see his face. He's a little older than I remember, wrinkles around his eyes, less hair. He recognizes me at the same time and his hands stop fidgeting with his hat. We don't say anything, just stare at each other. For the longest time. It's like we've ceased to be in the room with everyone else, we're on another plane. And then he smiles. "I should've called," he says. And I smile. "Yeah, that would've been nice." We stand there grinning at each other like maniacs. "But you're here now," I say. He laughs, shrugs, rolls his eyes. "Yeah," he says. His eyes are so blue. Were they always this blue? "I'm here now," he says. "You look good, Kel." And he opens his arms and I bury myself in his chest as I hold on for dear life and the tears start to flow.

When I wake up it's 7:30 on a Saturday and I'm singing Foo Fighters in my head:

I
I'm a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
then follows you back home
I
I'm a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
burning off alone

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

Mood: dream-like
Drinking: hot chocolate
Listening To: Haunted, The Pogues with Sinead O'Connor
Hair: in a messy pixie