Changes

If I could turn and meet myself as
I was then,
gaze into that solemn face, those
unblinking eyes,
I suppose I'd laugh until I cried,
then laugh again.

-- from The Kookaburra's Song

Let the laughter begin!

I actually got an email from Coach Steele this morning asking me to let him know how I was doing. He has a sixth sense or something. His timing is always impeccable and the fact that he even bothers to personally contact people on the Tools to Life site really blows my mind. I replied that I am well. And I am.

Okay, so I had an "unusual" weekend at best, but now it's Monday and time to get back to business. I've decided to attend Frye Festival and I will embark for Moncton Thursday morning, armed with a laptop and ready to post from the Festival. The days and nights will be long. I will be exhausted. But it should be a great time. I'm really excited about it. My mind will explode with all the new ideas! And I think I'm going to run into some wonderful old friends, which will be great.

So much work to get out of the way in preparation of leaving though, not to mention all the household stuff that's been on the backburner this past week.

Having hot chocolate this morning before I go out to do the run-around downtown. Banking, shopping, all that good stuff.

The ice is breaking up pretty quick now, moving on the tides. The ducks are here! Hundreds of them! Summer is coming! And summer is good. I do love my river. It gives me a sense of place and comfort in being in that place. The river is home and I'm on it.

I weighed myself this morning and was pretty shocked to find myself over 20 pounds lighter than the last time I weighed in. Holy frig! So either the wellness has been working or . . . I dunno, a couple of days of eating light or nothing at all is not enough to drop 20 freaking pounds. That was pretty surprising. Of course, I've got lots of pounds on me, so 20 is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Oh well, banking is not going to do itself. I must boot!

Mood: energized & excited
Drinking: hot chocolate
Listening To: dangerous, roxette
Hair: i am the big blonde once again

The River is Wild

My mighty river is freezing in. Yesterday I thought I saw ice near the shore in Chatham Head, but I couldn't be certain. Today there is no doubt. Ice floes throughout. Have the ducks all gone where they're going yet? This week every morning there have been hundreds boogeying up past my place. But now there's ice. I wonder if I'll start seeing the eagles again soon. I haven't seen them since the ice went out. I've been thinking they'll come back when it returns.

Had bacon, eggs, toast and coffee for breakfast. Woke at 8:20 after only 3 hours sleep. Went to the bathroom but then went back to bed and slept til nearly 10. I needed it. I've been burning the candle at both ends all week. And today I only have 2 non-drowsy sinus caps to take, so I can't rely on drugs to push me through. Plus I'm going out this evening with the mighty crew, don't want to be dead knackered. So I woke up all stuffed up from lack of meds. I need to somehow make my way to Douglastown this week for a neti pot.

I need to rededicate myself to wellness. I need to do that asap! Because I've let it go by the wayside and I'm unwell.

Mood: rough around the edges
Drinking: coffee, italian roast, black
Listening To: fistful of throttle, nathan wiley
Hair: it's growing on me

Sex and Anarchy

Nothing says good morning like Sid Vicious. I have been busy. Blog neglectful. I am working so hard. It's overwhelming. But not paralytic. I keep on keeping on. I can't wait for the moment when I can catch my breath. Soon. Fingers crossed. Busy week coming up, lots of events, appointments, meetings, gatherings, and the like. The summer whirlwind is winding up. I think there are some swallows nesting in the eaves of my building. The singing in the morning is wonderful! I think they like my music. Last night I made an attempt to get to sleep early. I went in before it was even dark, at about 9:15, read for a half hour, turned out the light, focused on relaxing breathing and tried to quiet my mind. At 11 o'clock I gave up, turned on my boyfriend, George, and made popcorn because I was starving. Turned off the tv sometime after Arrested Development, drifted soon after. When my alarm went off at 6am it was a bit of a struggle but I pushed through. Lots to do! And Dad is coming this morning to deliver and hook up my washer and dryer. Praise Jesus! I have been holding off on the laundry situation waiting for this for WAY long . . . WAY!

Yesterday it was no problem to tell it was the weekend around here. Shortly after 3pm boats, kayaks and sea-doos of all sizes and colours begin a steady stream from Ritchie Wharf onto the river. Those sea-doo people are crazy mothers! They go 10 times faster than anyone else and seem to be 20 times as reckless. Anyone who brings a kayak into this river has balls, I'll give them that. And now Johnny Rotten has left the building and I need more coffee.

Mood: surprisingly alert
Drinking: coffee, fresh ground, perked, dark roast, fair trade organic, black
Listening To: it don't matter, matt mays
Hair: my hair used to be more interesting, i'm letting myself go

Unwell

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Low tide, water smooth like a pane of glass. Gorgeous. New pollutant on the river this morning. Blackish smoke drifting up and over the water. Like they sent out one big shot of crap, sneak it out early when people aren't paying attention. Weird.

I'm not well. Haven't been since yesterday afternoon sometime. Not sure what's up, slight stomach virus maybe? Allergies? Sinus? Got some stomach stuff happening, like pain, not nausea. Major headache happening. Pain around my eyes. Hard to concentrate and focus. Difficulty sleeping last night. Restless. Unpleasant thoughts.

Couldn't go for a walk last night because I'm swollen again. Ankles mostly. Still semi-swollen this morning. Gonna have to get horizontal for a time. Perhaps I need to watch another movie besides The Wizard of Oz. Everyday this week I've watched the Wizard. Bits and pieces, not all of it, everyday. I'm about to implode from the pressure of it all. Great practice for the 3-day novel contest. If I live to see the day, I may even enter. Somehow I think that would be easier though, because that would be my story. This isn't. I don't know what this is. It's the reason artists drink. To have done it right I should have started last June. I'm the Debbie Macomber of tourism writing.

It would be helpful if my head wasn't splitting in two. I have taken some ibuprofen and now don't want to dump sinus meds on top, lest I O.D. and people blame Sammy, lol. So, I'll wait a bit, then pop the non-drowsy sinus meds. They always make me happy.

Not that I'm unhappy, I'm just unwell. Watery eyes, squinting because it hurts to see. I am starting to see the parallels though. You watch the Wiz everyday, and you start to see it. The problem is delicate. The balancing act. How to say it all, let the story build and develop in a natural way, and get everyone in and have it all resolved in 7000ish words. This is the challenge. Tight writing takes some time. Time has not been my friend on this project. At this point one just has to take a deep breath and pray this thing comes together. Cuz right now alls I got is a bunch of disjointed overwritten crap. Oy!

Yes, I know, I ALWAYS say that . . . but this time is different. This time I've got a friggin sinus headache! Ok, enough freaking out. Time to get back to it. I can't get over how calm the water is even as the tide shifts. What a day!

Mood: achy
Drinking: coffee, mostly black, juice, 100% blackberry & pomegranate
Listening To: comfortably numb, the scissor sisters
Hair: in the blue speckled headband

Cookies

I bought a box of girl guide cookies to support my niece in Brownies. The original kind, not the mint ones. I always liked the original ones best, especially the vanilla flavour, but alas like everything else in the world, Girl Guide cookies have changed :-( They're not what I remember. Still, I'm eating them.

Last night I went to a special event at O'Donaghue's Pub in Chatham. It was the first time I'd been there when there were a lot of other people, but it won't be the last. I may not have been able to find decent housing on that side of the river, but I can certainly find my way over there to have fun. A group of international journalists on a fishing trip had been invited to enjoy an evening of Miramichi hospitality and have an audience with the Premier. Lovely fellows. I had the opportunity to chat with a few of them and get some advice for BnM. One of the men seemed particularly enthusiastic about it, and I came away with his contact information for follow-up. I met the Premier and he told me he loves what we're doing and to keep up the great work. I was a bit surprised he had seen it, but I know we had distributed copies to the delegation, so perhaps it's not such a long shot.

Connie & Paul, Owen Murdoch and the legendary Matilda Murdoch were on hand for an old fashioned Miramichi Kitchen Party that had Premier Graham rolling up his sleeves and playing the spoons right along with them. Raw footage from a documentary film being made for a German audience was shown. Some following a truck driver I know in Blackville, but more from down the Bay with generations of fishermen ice fishing smelts. Afterward the eldest man from the film stood and spoke about their way of life and how it has changed since he first started and also about the Escuminac Disaster. The foreign press asked questions and then Connie & Paul sang the saddest song about the women who must wait for their men at sea.

All in all, not a bad way to spend an evening.

Mood: headachy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: muted sounds of other people's lives around me
Hair: thick, straight, and stubborn

Your Time Is Gonna Come

I'm fascinated by the birds outside my window. Huge flocks of ducks, seagulls, black birds, robins, crows, ravens, pigeons, and the occasional eagle. To watch the ducks take to the air as one and swoop into formation as they rise, is an uplifting amazing things. Hundreds of ducks. They look very much like the swarms of bees I remember from Saturday morning cartoon adventures. I watched last night as one flock flew downriver going always higher, higher, and then suddenly veering off course and dropping fast, seeming to reverse and drop into the trees, the flock emerging seconds later having doubled in size. This seems to be the pattern of ducks, they collect more wings the further they go. It's beautiful. Ducks are mad flappers, very little gliding, it seems as soon as their little wings stop they begin to drop like a stone. Meanwhile seagulls sail past my window like kites, effortlessly. They surf the wind majestically, almost regal. Yet very business-like and matter of fact. They drift by in slow-mo right at window level, and give me a look. I imagine if they wore hats they would tip them and say "good day."

The ice broke up while I was away. There are still huge chunks in the water that drift according to the tide. I grew up in the fresh water above the Quarryville Bridge, unaffected by the tide, so living beside tidal water is a new experience for me. As the tide came in last evening I watched as ice floes from Chatham moved upriver in front of my place and beyond. How unusual. My Miramichi, in fresh water, only runs one way. I went to bed early but not before the tide reversed and I watched the ice change course and begin floating out to the bay. This morning I caught the last two or three minutes of high tide coming in, then about a half hour of immobilization, and now it's going out. I suppose this will be less easy to note when there isn't huge chunks of telltale ice skimming the water's surface.

I'm so fascinated by all this activity outside my window that I may have to close the blinds to accomplish any work today.

I'll blog about the trip later.

Mood: dreamy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: starlight, muse
Hair: look ma! no roots!

Another Great Day!

When my alarm rang at 5 this morning, I didn't know what was going on. All confused. Took a good 10 minutes to become alert enough to remember that today I go to Sackville for WFNB AGM weekend. Yes, that's today! Already. And I'm not ready. So much to do. No way to do it once I leave. So, trying to get stuff done, right now!

Yesterday's Tabu excursion was good. BnM is selling out down there, waiting lists at some places. Everyone we met had seen it somewhere, knew of it. This is good.

High tide took out some ice in front of my place yesterday (while I was gone, of course). There was a massive high tide yesterday it seemed. We were on the docks at the wharf in Tabusintac, the wind rocking the van. It felt like the wind was so powerful that if it just got the right hold on the van I would've been picked up or at least toppled over and gone into the water, the very high tide water. I didn't like that much. I am so much more the fresh water river girl, Quarryville Bridge and up is more my speed. So this morning the whole middle of the river seems to have open water (actually more like a thin ice that will dissipate with the sunrise), but I don't know that the ice isn't still under there. There's no running, no ice flowing. Too bad I missed whatever happened yesterday :-( I'll likely return from Sackville to a full flowing river.

Oh well, off to the races. No blogging from Sackville. All the details upon my return.

Mood: pretty good
Drinking: coffee, with cream, and a big ole glass of water
Listening To: crows cawing!
Hair: total bed head

Picked Up a Day

Tabu Trip called on account of snow/freezing rain. Whew! It's better to do a road trip on a bright sunshiny day, you feel better about the place, the place feels better about you. And I was starting to super-stress for home time, so this is kind of a blessing. I need to go domestic for a good day here and get back on track. Been WAY too busy with work and writer crap. Have list, will knock 'em off one at a time.

I am enthralled with all the birds outside my window. And they're not even all here yet! I can't wait for things to go green and for actual water to be flowing past my door.

Went to bed early last night and actually got in some sleep before midnight. Slept late too. I woke many times, could have easily got up anytime after 4:30, but I stuck to it until nearly 8. I've been so drug out, I needed a serious battery recharge if I'm going to get through the month without total collapse.

Fuzzy dreams of the past last night. Things that already happened. People no longer in my circle. (Can I get a "Praise Jesus!" on that?) Woke up with a serious case of the "what-ifs" not in any kind of melancholic or regrettable way, but just a pondering. What if I had gone to Alberta? Either time? What if I had married any of the guys who asked? What if I had gotten pregnant when I was 14? Or 19? Or 27? What if I had gone over my head in the river? What if the gun went off? What if I had hit my head just a little bit harder? What if the car ran off the road? . . . Life could have been so different, so many times . . . if I had taken any of those other paths would the road have eventually still brought me back here? That's what I call a philosophical awakening.

Mood: fair to middling
Drinking: coffee, lots and lots of cream
Listening To: upstairs cutie waking & going through his morning routine
Hair: out of my eyes for the moment

Black Eyes

More dreams. Not getting really good rest. My mattress is bothering me. Maybe I need a boxspring. It's hard to know what's going on. Impromptu visit last nite. Good to sit around and drink tea and just chat. Good to get your mind off the world and life for awhile. Just laugh for a bit and recharge. Kids coming today. Lunch time ETA. We'll have a good time. I will take energy from their giggles and keep it with me to last the whole week. Soon I'll hit into that very cool springtime high I always get, when all I will see is possibility. Can't wait! It's gonna happen. Soon.

The ice grows thinner every day. The black water surfacing. I study the different shadings and as ice melts and water pools in pockets on the surface. It's like a desert mirage. The birds playing, fighting, flying around one another, swooping into one another. The eagle is boss. When he comes, all the others scatter, flee in flocks. I see things here, outside my window. The huge bird (was it the eagle? the sun is too bright to tell) cruising past my window in strong strokes, the squirrel clutched in his beak squirming and try to loose itself. Just now I saw this. I could sit and stare out the window all day long. Maybe I should.

Mood: unusual
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: national health, the kinks
Hair: maybe i need a new touchstone