Sympathy for the Devil

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name ... Happy Monday! Another crazy week beginning. I am so tired. Fingers crossed I get some sleep sometime this week, cuz next week I'm outta here for a bit! Off to the big city and that's not going to be a restful excursion, lol. My flights to and from are insanely early. I need to figure out the logistics of all that trip stuff soon.

So this weekend was pretty good. INSANE, but ... is there any other way? Went to the movies Friday night and saw What Happens in Vegas with Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz. Great date movie! A good laugh. A drink and some conversation afterward, turned into me not going to sleep until the wee hours.

Up wicked early Saturday morning on a couple hours restless nervous semi-sleep. Had a hung over feeling despite having not been drunk. Rushed around all morning house cleaning and doing laundry and tidying up extraneous play details as I tried to get to the theatre early. Didn't happen. Got there about a quarter after noon. But the stage still wasn't set up so it didn't really matter, I could have been later even.

First run-through of the play was much less shaky than Wednesday night's rehearsal, which was heartening, though everyone was subdued, not bringing 'er just yet. Grabbed some Dixie Lee for lunch and then quickly ran through a dress rehearsal before heading backstage to suit up for the real deal.

Hair, make-up, singing, nervous chatter, jokes ... the wait to go on was a little brutal. I was so worried I was going to forget everything, that we'd screw up the lines and leave out the important part, like we had in EVERY rehearsal. But before I knew it we were huddled backstage listening to Sherry welcome everyone and talk about the cause, the girls, diabetes, which is never easy and at one point I even plugged my ears because I was starting to tear up.

Then the curtain opened and the boys went out to do their thing while I held my breath, freaking ... until they got a laugh, which didn't take long, and then I relaxed because I knew we were on and it was going to be ok. I forgot what it was like to be in a play. I forgot about the complete gut-wrenching wanna puke nervous energy turning into dead calm, complete focus. Wow! I can't believe I didn't remember that. I swear that's the lowest my heart rate has been in years, acting is better than yoga! Meditation even! And all this before I even made my entrance.

I stumbled a bit in the third act and needed to be prompted, but other than that there were no noticeable blunders on my part I don't think, and I remembered the important line in the first act that we'd never remembered before, which was good.

After expenses the play raised $900 for Juvenile Diabetes research. And that's it for our group fundraising effort, this week individual members of Team Keenan will be soliciting pledges from people in order to reach their personal fundraising goal. If you haven't supported our Walk for the Cure happening this Sunday in Moncton and you'd like to, there's still time. Click here to pledge me and help me reach my personal goal of raising $100.

Thanks so much for supporting us through the yard sale, play, and pledges. It means so much to me and my whole family.

So after the play came the crash. I forgot about that part too. Total zonk out. And an insatiable thirst for a strong drink. There had been talk of a wrap party with cast and crew, but then everyone was like they were going home, so I just went home with a couple of friends who had come to see the play ... and missed the wrap party that apparently did come together later ... oh well, I was tired anyway. Had a cosmo and a glass of wine, which made me super sleepy so then I made a hot chocolate and woke up a bit. My friends stayed for one drink and left shortly after my Friday night first date showed up for a second ... which went so well, a third is planned for next weekend.

I couldn't sleep Saturday night at all, was awake until after 5am, and up again on only a couple of hours sleep because I had to work. Stacy had dropped off the second draft of bnm at the end of the play for proofing and Sunday was Anna's birthday party so I wanted to try and get up home. I didn't figure there'd be many changes, we got lots of stuff fixed up in the first draft. So I sent Stacy a few changes, wrote a few cover blurbs, showered, packed, and was ready to leave when Mom got here around noon. We went to the mall so Mom could get The Missus a gift. I seized the opportunity to buy some freaking new underwear, because what I've been wearing makes me feel like a homeless person, underwires busting out of bras, poking in my armpit, scratching my breasts, panties full of holes or just a bunch of loose threads tied in a knot, and socks ... man, I have no idea where my socks have been disappearing to?! There really is a sock monster in the dryer! Buying underwear is so much fun! I really should do it more often.

So yesterday was spent up home having Burke's take-out, cake & ice cream, watching a week's worth of Corrie, in bed by 11 but still couldn't sleep. Read until long after midnight. Slept eventually for a couple of hours. Up early and came home with everyone on their way to work. Have arrived to email saying I'm needed at the office today for manual printing of bnm. No rest for the weary. I should sleep tonight though. In my own bed. With a lot of the last month's pressure relieved. One can hope.

And there's a big ole long post for those of you who have missed me. Now, you're up to date!

Mood: sleepy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: we got the beat, the go-go's
Hair: pretty blonde

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finish online bnm, publish online bnm website, design email for bnm online subscriber list, send out email to online bnm subscriber list, send out mighty successful pr, remind gov mansion guy about article for june print bnm, contact bnm ed board regarding thoughts on notes from last meeting to begin the discussion, email T about delivering print in newcastle area, call jill at the rodd about art installation, call gloria about art installation at the rodd, go to the post office to pick up parcel that is most likely the who in concert, go to the drugstore to buy hand soap and hair dye and conditioner, go to sobeys for tin foil and garlic and some foodstuff, go to the liquor store for wine and absenthe and maybe brandy, remember to use your coupon to get $10 off at the liquor store, check your bank account and make a plan for how you're going to finance this week/weekend and pay the bills, check acadian bus schedule and note time of freddy bus arrival for thursday, proof sherry's intros for thursday nite, clean out the spare room, wash all the bedding, send mass email to invite peeps to Thursday night, vaccuum the bedrooms, dust everything, sweep everywhere, scrub the kitchen and the bathroom and the entry hall floors with scrub brush, light mop remaining floors and hall, do dishes, do laundry, clean off and organize desk, plan wardrobe changes for weekend events, put clock in spare room, scrub the bathtub and sinks in bathroom and kitchen, take the garbage out, pick up Sears parcel, write thursday nite schedule, write intros for thursday night readers and who they're reading about, come up with some snappy one-liners for thursday emcee gig, take shower where snappy one-liners are usually born, write intro for gerry's workshop, contact thursday readers one last to firm up, remind stacy regarding tourist packages for wfnb, don't forget large envelopes, get copies of bnm for sale on saturday, make rough cross-river travel plan for weekend and different scheds, dye hair, shave legs, iron anything needing ironing, clean the toilet, wash black marks off walls, find money to buy that painting, confirm date for banquet, get cash for buying books and paying cab fares . . . and i think that's it, that's all i have to do between now and thursday when i meet joe at the bus station . . . then let the fun begin!

Mood: tired
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: back to bed, nathan wiley
Hair: every which way

Back on the Chain Gang

I seem to have a focus problem today. I start one task and then when I'm half-way through another completely different task, I remember that, oh yeah, I was doing something else . . . yeah, it's THAT kind of a day.

And I'm back, having been away for another 15 minutes doing something else . . . see what I mean?

Yesterday was a pretty good day. We went to the Farmer's Market in Chatham for breakfast, which is always fabulous. Then it was off to the office for BnM production. Unfortunately they were doing some work on the building. Much sawing with lots of choking dust followed by the loud pounding vibration of unrelenting jackhammering. Oi! So we only stayed for a few hours, just long enough to make all the changes from an initial proofing, and print four new copies for a second proofing. I'm quite pleased. It's the best first draft we've ever done. And it's the most balanced issue we've done to date too. And I wrote nothing other than my Editor's note and regular columns. Cool!

When we left the office we went and did a little shopping at the Big Deals, natural food store, the Dollar Store, Global second-hand, and Kent Building Supplies. I got the Clerks II 2-disc dvd still wrapped in cellophane for $5, and a couple of books. I was trying to be financially responsible and exercise restraint. Then we went to supper at O'Donaghue's Pub. Of all the times we've been there, we'd never eaten a meal. So this was our wellness reward treat for doing so well these past few weeks. We played it safe and greasy sharing a basket of onion rings, followed by fish 'n chips. I'm looking forward to sampling more of their menu this week when I'm in Chatham for WFNB.

The WFNB event is coming together nicely. I think we're okay, and nothing has slipped by unnoticed. Should be tons of fun! I'm starting to get excited about it now. Busy week on the rise though. Lots to get done. Guess I should get to it, huh?

Mood: content
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: raise a little hell, trooper
Hair: . . .

A Wind-Up Man Walking Round & Round

Gotta love Bowie! I've been straightening out my tunes library these past few days. I bought some cds so I can burn some stuff and maybe not have to start over completely next time we crash . . . cuz if there's one thing I know for sure, crashes are inevitable. Speaking of crashes, my microwave has crashed in a blaze of glory. Sparks, fire, death. Freaked me out. And then I thought, this is no big deal, I don't really use my microwave a lot anyway. And now it seems like every time I turn around I'm looking to use the microwave. How on earth did one ever melt anything before the little nuker came along?

Going out later for some groceries, a bottle of wine. I'm having a hankering for something different, maybe I'll make some guacamole, a spinach salad with toasted almonds, perhaps some chocolate covered strawberries. We'll see. No more crispy chicken for me! Suddenly I want to get back in the kitchen and do some real cooking. Time to dust off the wok, maybe. It's good to have a hankering for salad again. It's been awhile since I've wanted anything green and leafy. I've also gotten back into exercising this week. Thank the gods! Every second day, so far so good.

A little arthritic in the weather today. Kinda tired. I overslept. Having strange dreams. Toronto ghosts among others. I woke up rationalizing to someone why I'm no longer there. The kind of dream that stays with me, comes back on me throughout the day. Subconscious senses something's afoot.

Mood: a little foggy and groggy
Drinking: water
Listening To: you want to make a memory, bon jovi
Hair: perfectly messed

Latest Headlines

Yesterday I broke down and vacuumed. I actually don't mind vacuuming, it's sweeping that every strand of my DNA opposes. The only reason I don't vacuum more often (like every second day) is because I only have carpet in the bedrooms and it likely scratches my floor more than cleans. Also I understand how thin the floors and ceilings are, that my vacuuming sound might as well be in my neighbour's apartments, above and below. Still, every now and again I vacuum. And sometimes I force myself to sweep. Other than crumbs inadvertently being swept from the counter to the floor in the kitchen, my floors don't really get that dirty. Dust bunnies tend to grow, but not much by way of sand or dirt. So yesterday as I was vacuuming, hoping I wasn't interrupting anyone's nap or drowning out their television program, I thought to myself there has to be a better way. There must be a way I can continue this gliding across the floor motion to pick up the dust bunnies in a non-motorized more ear-friendly fashion. And suddenly an image of my mother swiffing her living room popped into my head. Eureka! I need a Swiffer!

I immediately called my mother to see if anyone was coming into town shopping. Because it's been really cold. Because a Swiffer is kind of long and awkward to carry from downtown to my apartment. Because secretly I also wanted to look around for a bookcase. She told me my sister and brother-in-law were coming into town but to pick up pellets for their stove, so they would be removing all but essential seating from their van. Oh well, I shrugged. I'll just add it to my list.

Lucky for me (not so lucky for them) the pellets were sold out so they didn't remove their seats and came to pick me up instead. I came home armed with the Dollar Store version of the Swiffer, which I'm told is just as good as the brand name. We shall see how it works out. I couldn't find any bookcases that I loved, which was kind of depressing considering I looked at Renaud's, Kent's, Zellers and Wal-Mart. There are not a whole lot of places left on the river to buy such an item. Perhaps Staples? Lounsbury's? Canadian Tire? Home Hardware? Bargain Giant? Okay, maybe there are still a lot of places left to look.

I bought some cheapo dvds at Zellers and when I got home, after I had supper, I pretty much just got into my jammies and went to bed with dvds. Watched one, which totally awakened that urge to go to Italy. Started to watch another but was too tired to keep my eyes opened. Fell asleep shortly after 11, woke up at about a quarter to five. It was frigging cold in the room, took me until around 6 before I could convince myself to get out from under the warm covers.

Last night I dreamed we were having a party on the shore out by Howard's field. There used to be a lane that went out, not the lane to Howard's trailer, but another one down below that the sports would use to get out to their trailers. Not sure if it's still there or not. In the dream it was overgrown with switch grass. It was late summer, kind of damp and cold, coming on dark. Me, Stacy and Carol were walking out to meet everyone for a party. It got dark as we were going out the overgrown lane. We could hear a car slow down and turn into the lane, see the headlights, so we jumped off to the side so the vehicle wouldn't accidentally run us over in this tall grass. It was Jenn and Jason in their van. They couldn't see us as they drove past. We came back out on the road and kept going down the hill, then another vehicle came and we went off into the woods. This time it was Gary, Sherry and kids in an extended cab half-ton (not Dad's, but navy coloured). Gary had his window down so I think we must have sung out to him because for some reason they noticed us and stopped where Jen and Jason hadn't. The three of us climbed onto the back and road out to the party.

At the shore there was a spot about the size of a queen-sized bed where the long grass had been flattened. This was at the edge of a small drop (maybe 4-5 feet) right into the water. The water was high, dirty and rushing like there had been a lot of rain. I was terrified of the girls falling in. Jenn and Jason weren't out there, we were the first to arrive. Gary put on a small fire in the centre and we all sat pretty much on top of one another as we opened drinks. I drank wine in a long-stemmed glass. We were chattering and talking and the kids were bored because it was like a party you'd go to when you were a teenager. There were no wienies to roast, no marshmallows. We had nothing for the kids. Gary was getting upset. Because his girls were getting upset. Because the space was so small. Because we were all drinking and chattering about silly gossipy stuff like we hadn't a care in the world. Finally, he threw up his hands and lit into us, "You're not seriously going to sit here all night and drink like this are you?!" Etc. Etc. And the more he ranted, the more he paced in our little area. Sherry didn't seem to understand why he was upset. She was all like, "Oh my God, have I done something? Are you mad at me? What's going on?" I could see Stacy and Carol rolling their eyes at one another as if to say, "Men! They just look for any excuse to ruin a good time!" I was watching Gary pace and saying, "Be careful of the edge. Be careful. You're gonna fall in." But nobody seemed to even hear me.

Sure enough he stepped back too far and dropped into the water. He didn't fall down, but kept his footing, though the water was up to his thighs. Then everyone laughed, including him, and we decided maybe we'd rather go to their house and hang out instead.

And such is the way of dreams.

Mood: giddy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: snowmobiles on the river
Hair: needing something, but I'm not sure what

As I Am

Yesterday afternoon we had a story session at O'Donaghue's. It was good, got some good ideas. Then we rushed back to the office to decorate the mighty van for the parade of lights. Stacy and I went in the parade on our own, everyone else went to a Christmas party at the Rodd. But that was okay. The parade was really quite lovely. Quite a few floats. Santa and the Missus were adorable in their horse drawn sleigh. I kept thinking the kids would love this, but it's kind of a crazy weekend for my kids. It was pretty chilly too, but there was a good crowd around.

After we traded vehicles in the Rodd parking lot and then went to Pizza Delight for supper. Garlic fingers, pizza, even cinnabons for dessert, couple of glasses of wine. Fabulous! But maybe it was too late for eating or maybe I was just feeling too mighty off the successful meeting and parade, but when I got home shortly after 10 I couldn't turn my brain off so I settled into the computer and worked on BnM until 2 in the morning. I had big plans for this morning, wanted to get up early and go to Zellers, buy a tree and all the trimmings, come home and put it all up. So at 2am I yawned once and said that's good, go to bed now. In bed I tossed and turned until 3:30 then I drifted off for exactly 20 minutes, just long enough to get into a nightmare, which I promptly shook off at 3:50. Wide awake until 4:40 and then I drifted again, right smack into another nightmare. Wide awake again at 5am, stayed that way until after 6, then drifted for another 20 minutes into another nightmare that had me wide awake until after 7:30. Sometime shortly before 8 I fell asleep for real, unsettling dreams but not scary enough to wake me up. Didn't kick until Sherry phoned going on noon. Morning plans ruined.

I'm a little stressed. I don't seem to have the Christmas stress going on, it's all work related, just having too much to do and not feeling a hundred per cent physically and mentally to be up to the challenge. No big deal really. I don't know if that was keeping me awake or if it was eating supper so late in the day or if maybe it was the fact I took sinus meds the night before and slept so soundly for 12 hours straight, no dreams, nothing. One super good night's rest equals another of crazy unrest. Perhaps. Whatever got into me, the day is not turning out like I had hoped so far. Think I'll shower and go downtown Newcastle this afternoon. Take care of some household errands. Then later this evening maybe if I pop down to Zellers it won't be a complete zoo. Maybe. I'm pursing my lips. Unconvinced. Nobody dislikes the mall during holiday shopping more than me :-(

Mood: a little unsettled, unwell, just un
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: an ode to no one, smashing pumpkins
Hair: sassy

Git 'er Done!

I stayed up pretty late last night, until about 3:30 or so. I took my last dose of sinus meds around 5:30 but still it didn't seem to help as far as sleepy went. I had lots of work to do anyway. I watched An Evening with Kevin Smith while I ate a frog and did some transcribing of stories that came in handwritten on looseleaf. Fabulous! Don't even ask me how I've come this far and not seen any of these films. There were quite a few stories I had already heard on Smodcast, which was a bit of a surprise, but lots of giggles regardless. I'm going to watch the newer one from last year sometime this weekend.

The Mighty crew is going to the Christmas Dinner Theatre at the Rodd on Sunday night. It's out annual staff Xmas gathering. It should be fun. I haven't been in a few years. The last time we went there was just me, Stacy and Terry. Times have changed! We'll fill a table now. I think me and Stacy are going to sneak our way into a Christmas party at the Tea House! LOL No seriously, we've been talking about it. The Tea House is all decked out and looking mighty cozy and Christmas-like, I can't think of a better place to get in the spirit. I'm kinda actually getting in the spirit on my own. The other night when me, Stace, and Les were shopping at Jean Coutu they were playing carols over the speakers. Whenever I'm in Jean Coutu I'm reminded of Sackville and I get a little nostalgic. I miss it a lot sometimes. The quaintness, the compactness. Miramichi is much bigger. I need to go downtown and shop around the square, see if I can find some quaintness there. Decorations in the park and such must come soon. Santa Claus parades must happen soonish.

Oh well, enough rambling about stuff. The meds seem to have kicked in so I'm off for another productive day.

Mood: chipper
Drinking: coffee, water
Listening To: 1973, james blunt
Hair: sliced and diced. literally. i totally chopped off my ponytail and then took the razor to my head. seriously. i went from three inches below my shoulders to just below my ears. all by myself!! it's the drugs man, it's gotta be the drugs

Whatever Gets You Through the Day

Haven't been myself this week. I need to go outside. I'm too much inside my head . . . again! So I'm heading downtown this afternoon for some shopping. I want bacon. In particular I want a BLT sandwich. Yeah. I think I need to take care of that little craving.

It was very cold here last night. I kept the thermostat at 21-22 in my bedroom and closed the door to keep the heat in, so it was okay in there, but now my head is plugged solid from the electric heat. Crazy sinuses. I should go to PharmaSave and see if they have any netipots. OR I can just buy something spicy to eat. Some of that sweet pepper sauce I love with crispy chicken. Or something jerked. That'll clear things up, bust my sinuses loose.

The front rooms are very cold. They get that way when there's no sun. The sun makes a huge difference here. Anyway . . .

In keeping with yesterday's meme trend. Here's an offensive six for Saturday.

1. Which of the following two would you find more offensive if you saw it out in the open in a family restaurant: two men holding hands or a woman breast-feeding a child? Why?

Neither of these things would offend me in the slightest.

2. Which of the following would you find more offensive if you heard someone say it: a blond joke or a racial joke? Why?

Definitely a racial joke. The dumb blonde doesn't really exist. I mean, yeah, there are dumb blondes, but there are dumb brunettes and red heads too. The whole dumb blonde thing was created in the media by blondes themselves. But a racial joke is a whole other thing entirely.

3. Which of these would you generally consider more offensive: An atheist who badmouths Christians, or a Christian who badmouths atheists? Why?

It's equally offensive. I'm offended by people badmouthing others in general. It's okay to have different views. It's okay to debate those different views. But calling someone down just because they have a different view is not okay. And it's not even that I'm offended so much by these people, I just don't want to be around them.

4. Which of the following ideas about a presidential hopeful would you find more offensive: that a woman shouldn’t run for president because a woman doesn’t belong in the White House, or that a black man shouldn’t run for president because a black man doesn’t belong in the White House? Why?

Again, how could a person even choose the most offensive thing here, they're both atrocious.

5. Which of the following political terms or movements would you find the most offensive: “Pro-Life” or “Defense of Marriage”? Why?

I'm not sure what Defense of Marriage is exactly, but I'm thinking it's probably an anti-gay movement. And if so, I think I'd be more offended by them. I'm not comfortable with any ultra-conservative movements. And I do think that some sects of pro-life can be too radical, but I also think the abortion issue is a very grey area. It's not so easy to come down solidly on one side or another because there are so many things to consider. When is the fetus an actual kid? What are the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy? But the whole gay marriage thing is totally black/white to me. Gay couples should have exactly the same rights as hetero couples. Period.

6. Which of the following forms of protest are you likely to find most offensive: an animal rights group’s members shedding clothes to encourage people not to buy fur, or a war protest group’s members burning the American flag to criticize war policy? Why?

Neither offends me. Get naked! Burn those flags! Throwing acid on people, burning books, those things offend me.

Mood: full of wonder
Drinking: nothing
Listening To: beautiful day, u2
Hair: i keep looking at in the mirror, studying the possibilities . . . soon

Best/Worst Day

I love Sunday.

I hate Sunday.

I love waking up Sunday morning, rolling over one eye open to snatch the remote and click on Coronation Street so I catch up on the week's events as I slowly come to full consciousness. I love rushing to the kitchen during commercial breaks to grab coffee and granola bars and then racing back to my cozy bed to snack and caffeinate as British soap opera turns to CBC Sunday Morning with my boy Evan. I love the guilty pleasure of staying in bed until noon and just watching tv.

I love the excitement of a new week begun. I love the anticipation of the known and the unknown. I love the endless possibilities.

I hate that I can't slow down as day turns to night. I hate that I can't shut off my mind and go to sleep. I hate that Sunday night turns to Monday morning and I lie there awake watching the transition. I hate that I'm never rested for my weekly Monday morning meeting. I hate that I'm groggy and foggy all day on Monday.

I don't know how to make it stop.

I love Sunday. I hate Sunday night.

Yesterday was a good day. Went shopping with Mom. I got a new pair of pants. Black cords, though it was the hottest day ever! :-) I also bought an mp3 player. It's for walking. To go with the pedometer. I'm motivated by music. I know that. So, it's a good purchase. I didn't buy a very expensive one, it's not an ipod or anything, but I like it.

Having trouble today shaking last night's dreams. They made me sad. That's all I'm saying. Damn dreams!

Mood: pleasant
Drinking: nothing at the moment
Listening To: seagulls squawking, dryer tumbling, stomach gurgling, The Luckiest, Ben Folds
Hair: getting spruced for matt

The Killer in Me

I got my new pedometer and it is awesome!! Yes, I got the one from Walking Spree. I had my eye on it for awhile, so when I put out the call on my blog for pedometer advice and Andrea came back with the one I wanted, I knew it was a sign that I should just commit to the investment, get serious about 10,000 steps a day, and get the pedometer I really wanted.

I mean I've been frigging around with so many crappy pedometers . . . it's so annoying to get steps just by shifting in your seat or sneezing. You go sit in a meeting and come out two hours later with hundreds of steps that never happened. Not good!

I've only had this one for less than a day but I am already thrilled. It measures my steps very accurately. I can chair-dance to my iTunes without registering false steps. I don't need to clip the thing onto my pants, I can put it in my pocket or carry it in my purse and it still calculates my steps with amazing accuracy. It's like magic! It also keeps track of my steps from days gone by so I can look back and see how I'm progressing. It's got a clock and automatically goes to a new day starting at 0 steps at midnight. A touch of a button and I can see how many aerobic steps I've done, how many calories I've burned, or how many miles I've walked. Ever wonder how many miles you put on in the run of a day? I'll no longer be wondering, I'm gonna know for sure. I'm super psyched about this gadget, can you tell?

Yes, I like gadgets. I'm a gadget kinda girl. It's a good thing I don't have more money to spend on gadgets cuz I'd have the house full of stuff.

Back to the pedometer. I just got the pedometer, I didn't order a program. I'm a firm believer that if you're going to do something you can do it just as well on your own as you can spending a whole lot of money to join a club to do it with someone else. If you're not going to do it, you're not going to do it, if you are, you will, period. That's why so many people shell out money to join diet clubs and gyms and then never go. If they were serious about health and exercise they could have done it at home, spending the bucks to join the club doesn't mean you're really invested. Not that I'm knocking Jenny Craig or gyms. They're great! But what I'm saying is even though they're great, they can't do all the work for us. And they're not going to have any effect upon people who haven't made up their minds to manage their weight or get fit. And someone who has made up his or her mind to manage their weight and get fit can do that just as well on their own.

So, it's all on me. It's up to me. Do I want to get serious? Or what? No time like the present.

I didn't order a program but I can always upgrade later. You know, if I find myself wanting more, there are lots of options available to me. I can connect the pedometer to my computer and upload information to the website, which is kinda cool, if I want to go that route. They've got coaches I can work with. I can join walking clubs. Etc. For now, I'm just taking one day at a time, 10,000 steps a day being the goal. We'll see where that takes me. Already it took me around and around the living room so many times I'm sure the neighbours below are wondering what the hell I'm doing. Later today, it will take me outside and off on the road.

Yesterday I went for a pretty big errand run, of course, I didn't have the pedometer yet, so nothing was tracked but today my thighs and buttocks are registering their surprise at yesterday's unexpected activity. I'm a little sore.

I went to the post office, sent some mail, and picked up my parcel (which was the pedometer!). Then I went to Scotia Bank for some banking. And then I headed off to Home Hardware, which was a bit farther on foot than I had imagined, but it's all good. I got some hooks to hang my lamp finally and I also got some chemical free dryer sheets that last at least 500 loads. I wanted a dryer ball, but these are good too. No more Bounce and dangerous film of chemicals in my dryer for me! Yay! After Home Hardware I walked back to Sobey's where I picked up a Chicken Dinner (3 pieces and taters) in the deli (which was the BEST I've ever had from Sobeys and lately anywhere, I have to say, fresh out of the fryer, not the healthiest choice I know, but I had a craving), a dozen whole wheat hamburger rolls from the bakery, an apple, two ears of corn, two sweet potatoes, a family pack of lean ground beef, a family pack of steak, a big bottle of relish, a bottle of instant espresso, and a package of energy saving light bulbs. Then I carried all that stuff up the hill and home. My arms were rubber when I got back. My face was beet red. I was wiggly as the children would say. My left arm is also a little sore today. Guess it had the heavier load.

Anyway, so far so good.

Mood: energized
Drinking: instant espresso
Listening To: Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
via FoxyTunes
Hair: neglected

On Any Given Day

I went shopping last nite. Word to the wise: Do not go shopping when you're having a sweet tooth moment! All last week, every frigging day, I craved ice cream, chocolate bars, and multi-grain Tostitoes. And every day last week I refrained from going out to the Petro and indulging my craving. I exercised extreme willpower. Which all went up in smoke last night. Why is everything bad on sale? Or even worse, two for one? I won't list everything I bought, but suffice it to say I am without groceries, totally broke, and reduced to eating peanut M&Ms for supper . . . okay, maybe it's not quite that bad, but damn close! lol The good news is I got lots and lots of coffee! And I even got the fair trade stuff I really like but have only ever seen at Co-Op. Yay!

Despite my fall into the sugar pit, I'm feeling super fantastic! Finally, I'm able to harness some of this autumn energy in a good way generating ideas and excitement. Good stuff!

Of course, with a degraded diet and this yo-yo weather my arthritis is making itself known. But even that discomfort can't dampen today's high spirits. Am I on a sugar high? Hmm. Within the realm of possibility.

Exciting things afoot! Nothing I can talk about yet.

Mood: happy
Drinking: coffee, cheapo Compliments brand, regular grind, dark roast, black
Listening To: Goldfrapp - Beautiful
via FoxyTunes
Hair: looks pretty damn sweet in its new hat!

Til We're Not Strangers Anymore

Had a good day at the Mighty office yesterday. It's always good to connect with everyone and spend time there. One can go a little crazy when one tries to function solo for too long. The mind can wander, invent scenarios, make you paranoid :-) Mondays are hard for me because I never sleep on Sunday night, so I always feel out of sorts, a bit dull and dim, all fogged in come Monday morning, but hauling my ass for a Mighty fix always makes me feel better even if I always feel like the dumb dork in the corner. So I need to focus on the feeling better part and not procrastinate over the dumb dork part.

Late this afternoon I'm going shopping with my sister, Mom, and kids. Mom's doing her back to work/school clothes shopping but I just want to go to the Sobey's in Douglastown and pick up a few things. I have refrained from buying any groceries since I got back from Barnbonia, took a week to clean up on some stuff that's been lingering in my cupboard and fridge for a long time. I defrosted some chili. I made honey bran muffins and ate some no-name brand noodles and sauce. Yeah, that kind of cleaning up. It's mostly stuff my mother sends when she feels I am in need of groceries. She cleans out her cupboard of things they're not really eating and sends it to me. Lots of cans of soup. There's still lots in my cupboard and freezer to get rid of, but I'm done for now. Time to buy something new. I am hankering for some jerk chicken nachos and a bottle of wine!

Last night after work me and Stace went to the Bistro for drumstick squares! Yummy! But my piece was too big, it was too much, too sweet, I was a little dizzy and sickened by the end. I know, I know, why not just leave some on the plate and spare myself the agony? What can I say? When it comes to drumstick squares I have no self-control. At the same time that my body was saying one spoonful too many I was longing to pull a blame Renee's and lick the plate clean. They're just soooo good! I love them. And they are definitely different than the one's mom makes. I think there's peanut butter in the base on the bottom or something. There's something different about it, it's not just straight graham wafer crumbs. Anyway, got my fix for a bit at least. Now, I want to try and get one of the infamous homemade drumsticks they do at Park's Dairy Bar before they close for the season. I've heard that's something to experience. Must have one!

Been plagued by vivid dreams all week leading into tonight's full moon. It's exhausting. And it's hard to wake up when the dreams are so real and interesting and fun. No nightmares, thank God. I don't seem to have nightmares as much anymore. There was a time when everything I dreamed turned into a nightmare. Three and four bad dreams every night. Is it any wonder I was prone to insomnia? Life must be good. My dreams are creative now, still lucid, I'm still off to the side observing, but it's like I'm writing, I'm making movies in my head. Fun stuff!

Mood: chipper
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: Bon Jovi - (You Want To) Make A Memory
via FoxyTunes
Hair: stringy

Catching Up

Tuesday evening after a crazy hot day of cleaning and packing and working and getting ready to move myself for an extended away, I went to my mom's and spent the night. Nick was happy to see me. I guess. Wednesday I left my parents' and moved up the road and into Stacy's house. She is gone on vacation for 2 1/2 weeks and I am house/cat sitting. Yes, not being a cat person, I was wary of undertaking this task. And can I live/work in Barnettville without losing my mind . . . remains to be seen, lol.

The cat is a little challenging. She's probably upset by this change in her life. Her mommy is gone. I mean, if I were a cat I probably wouldn't be very pleased with me as the substitute caretaker. I've been trying. I'm following the routine. I'm getting up at 5:30 to let her outside. I'm rolling her ball around and trying to get her to play. I'm giving her treats and letting her sleep with me in the bed (as if there's a choice for me to make there! lol) Still, it's an adjustment. For both of us.

I am tired. I'm not sleeping well. And the cat seems to meow all night long, starting anytime after 2am and continuing periodically through until I let her out after 5. So I've slept maybe 8-10 hours total in the three night's I've been here, none of it deep and refreshing, just surface half asleep/half awake stuff. I drank a bottle of wine before bed last night. Knocks me out semi, but it's probably not the best medication either. I'm hopeful we'll adjust soon. Me and kitty. She did seem to sleep more herself last night, no meowing until around 5 when she could go outside. So I'm thinking it's just been the upset, the change, and now we'll get into the groove. Fingers crossed!

Yesterday was a DAY! I mean a real doozy! Sherry called and asked me if I wanted to go to town. I did! I wanted to check my mail at home, pick up a cd I had forgotten, check on things in general and pick up a few things at the grocery store.

There was a severe thunderstorm warning in effect.

Kitty was outside and I wanted her to come in before I left in case the storm happened while I was gone. I called. Sherry called. We both shook the treat bag and called some more. No kitty. So I called Janice and left a message on her machine that the cat was out in case it stormed, and could she come later and put her in. Then we went to pull out and I saw the kitty under the step (ignoring our calls and treat rattlings). So I got out took the treat bag and tried to coax her out from under the step. She was having none of it really.

The other evening when she escaped from the house past her outside time nearly after dark, I just picked her up and brought her back inside. Easy peasey. So when she came out from under the step I went to pick her up the same as I did the other night . . . not so easy peasey . . . she FREAKED OUT! I wasn't expecting claws and hissing and crazy squirming, yet I didn't let go, raced up the steps and put her in. Quickly closed the door. Crazy!

I had to go to Mom's and wash my scratches (bleeding) and douse my arms and hands in peroxide because everyone worries about infection. Note to self, up my garlic intake these next few days.

When you begin your day with a bloody fight, you should just stay home and hide.

No sooner had we got to Douglastown, when the brakes went on the van. We hung around Gary's work for a good 15-20 minutes and then ended up having to take his car and leave the van behind. No air conditioning. On the hottest most humid day yet. Yay!

Off to Newcastle with our hair whipping in the wind and the sweat dripping off the ends of our noses. We decided to go to Dixie Lee for lunch. Also, curiously, without air conditioning, only fans.

While we were in the liquor store the storm started. Thunder. Lightning. Rain. LOTS of rain! Soaked running to the car from the store. Sherry couldn't figure out how to run the wipers so I had to reach over and hold them on while she drove. No place close to park at Super Valu. A little lull in the storm though, so we didn't get any more soaked going in. Idling around the fresh produce there was a huge crack of thunder and simultaneously all the lights in the store went out. We looked out the big windows and all you could see was rain and debris. You couldn't see cars parked in the lot. You couldn't see the King George Hwy. Just rain and debris that seemed to be coming from two directions at the same time. You could hear the wind roaring. I wondered if a tornado struck directly onto the store how badly it would be damaged. It would be a bad place for a person to be, with so much stuff flying around. I wasn't surprised at all to find out that a tornado had been on the radar later when we got home.

We pretty much drove home without incident, but discovered we didn't have the keys to Sherry's house because we had switched vehicles in town, so we had to lug all her perishable groceries to Mom's fridge and wait for Gary to come home from work. Kitty was happier to see me when I got back. Didn't give me a hard time or anything. Slept better last night than others. So that was good.

Today I'm going to my family reunion. I'm making jerk chicken nachos for snacks. Yummy! Going to stay overnight. Will pass on cat duties to Janice for a day. Monday, we'll settle in for the long haul.

Mood: pretty good
Drinking: coffee, starbucks french roast, black
Listening To: wind chimes
Hair: pulled back in a pony

Tuesday Morn Coming Down

My Tools to Life work is starting to take up a lot more time, which kinda freaks me out. I got up at 5:58 before the alarm screamed at 6, right into the bathroom, right into my clothes, right to the computer and my daily lesson and check list. I was at it by 6:15. And I haven't even done today's new exercises yet and it's almost 8am. I need to get to that place in my heart (my head already knows) where I feel that it's okay to spend so much time working on myself. This is important stuff. I'm changing my life. I'm important. My life is important.

I am without any breakfast foods, without coffee even. I need to go out. I think I might treat myself to breakfast at the Goodie Shop or Tim's. I think I'll pack my backpack with a notebook and/or the book I'm currently reading and just go enjoy breakfast and people watch. Maybe write. Maybe find a character or something fun like that. There's been a lot of talk lately about morning pages. Frankly, blogging is my morning pages. This is the dumping ground. This is where I purge almost daily. But there's something to be said for pen on paper. There's something to be said for writing in public.

Then I will go shopping and buy some coffee. Because coffee is also important. Coffee is very, very important. And I've been without for over a week.

Mood: un-caffeinated
Drinking: water
Listening To: the fridge hum
Hair: a bit messy

She's Back!

So yesterday was like this crazy big day or something. I slept in a little until nearly 8 then had to rush around in my usual morning routine in order to get to the bank shortly after it opened at 10. I needed to deposit the rent before the landlord cashed the cheque. It took a little frigging, but mission accomplished!

Then I popped over to Sobey's with my new enviro-bags and picked up some much needed fruits, veggies, yogurt and bread. Those enviro-bags are sturdy suckers! Nice! Because the bank took so long I was later coming back over the hill than I had anticipated and it was quite hot by that time so I arrived at my place dripping sweat and beet red in the face. I think some old ladies on the street thought I was about to collapse, the looks they were shooting me with!

I immediately ate a tomato/cucumber pumpernickel sandwich (yummy!) for lunch and then got REALLY sleepy. I should have just napped. I have to learn how to do the nap thing, make it work for me. So the afternoon passed in foggy email and work. I tried to write, but sleepy and writing just don't mesh, I did good to edit. About 4pm I decided if I wasn't going to wake up and accomplish any work I should just leave the desk, have an early supper and plan to attend the live music at the wharf.

So I had supper while watching the Tom Green show. I'm not really a fan of Tom Green but sometimes he has interesting guests and the one I was watching happened to be a scientist on all kinds of freaky stuff like ufos, lake monsters and (hide your eyes, stace) sasquatch. So it was a pretty good show, or the first half-hour I saw was at least.

After dinner I seemed to have shaken off the sleepys and got a new energy for work and writing so I decided to skip the music after all and listened from a distance through my open window as I pitched myself full-force into writing and editing. Along about 8pm I decided I needed a break, so even though my abs were killing me with soreness I launched into my exercises. I exercised for about an hour, listening to Ti-Blanc on the wharf sing Beatles and wail Jerry Lewis on his keyboard. It sounded like a pretty good show from where I was perched.

After I exercised I felt really good, so I decided to clean up the house some and then dye my hair. I finished everything by 11pm but still wasn't sleepy (I had slept in yesterday morning if you remember) so I came back to the computer and writing and worked until a quarter to one. Eep! I'm not supposed to stay up that late anymore! Ooops! So I shut 'er down and hightailed it to bed, but I was restless, so I thought I'd just read for a little bit, finish my chapter and then sleep.

At 1:30 am I shut off the light, and soon after drifted into a restless state of unconsciousness that may or may not have really been sleep. And then 3:30 came and buddy upstairs came home from the bar with the same girl he brought home a couple of weeks ago. Did I tell you about her? The screamer? Luckily he forgot to take his viagara or drank too much or something, so he wasn't quite up to his former multiple performance and the whole thing was over in a measly five minutes. Or it should have been, at least. If the girl had just gone to sleep like he repeatedly coaxed her to do, but NO! She wanted to talk.

"LISTEN TO ME! I'M TELLING YOU I'VE GOT THE BIGGEST CRUSH ON YOU! I WANT TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!"

Oh boy! I feel for her, I really do . . . but maybe she should have thought about that before she came home with him a few weeks ago. He tried to diffuse the awkwardness of the situation by playfully pushing her out of the bed. No, I'm not kidding, he really did, her butt hit my ceiling and I expected to see her lying in bed beside me after the smoke cleared.

"YOU FUCKING THREW ME ON THE FLOOR! I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING! I'M TRYING TO BE SERIOUS! AND YOU FUCKING THREW ME ON THE FLOOR!"

Maybe the boy's a happy drunk cuz I know he's got a string of eff-words of his own that he could have lobbed back at her as she worked herself up to tears. He's got a set of lungs on him too, there used to be another girl who would quietly sit on the bed and take his tongue lashings. But at 4:30 this morning he was all sweetness, I imagined him rubbing her back as he soothed her hurt feelings with his playfulness and tried to kiss her back into bed to sleep. Bitch was having none of that!

"LISTEN TO ME!! I SAID I WANT TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!"

And Avril Lavigne starts singing in my head, "Hey! Hey! You! You! I could be your girlfriend!" I wonder how old this sad little girl is.

There's a bit of a row as she stomps around the room gathering her things, getting dressed, while he tries to ease her back into the bed without ever once addressing the issue of girlfriends. She storms to the front of the apartment and he stays in bed, goes to sleep, is snoring within minutes. I think she called a cab and left. Or else she slept on his couch. She was pretty quiet after that. But it was a quarter to five before the fracas died down. My alarm went off at six and I got up like I had slept a full night though. I'm clear headed, energized, and already productive. I'm kinda hoping that's the last we've seen of the screamer, maybe the next girl will take him home instead. That would be nice.

Kids are coming to watch the fireworks with me this evening I think. Another big day looms. Loving it!

Mood: buoyant
Drinking: king cole, black
Listening To: sweet avenue, damien rice
Hair: a new shade of summer sweetness

Sunburn

I didn't feel very good yesterday. I thought it was just achy joints and the rainy day Monday blahs, but it could have been something more. Seems like I sunburned the top of my head on Sunday. Yeah, weird, I know. Ever since I fried my scalp that one time, I think I'm more susceptible. I had on a visor which shaded my face, but unfortunately the top of my head was exposed. And parted :-( So this explains everything! I always get sick when I get sunburned. Fevered. The works. I had lots of sunscreen on my arms though so they were okay. I thought I was good. It was only late last night that I noticed the tenderness on my head when I put my hair up in a headband. So now I really do get to go floppy hat shopping for summer! Yay! I've been feeling like a new hat . . . I've been trying some on . . . but I haven't been able to justify the expense to myself . . . until now! Hats of the world, be afraid, be very, very afraid!

Oh, and I'm feeling much better today, by the way. Thanks for asking.

Mood: enlightened
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: the garbage truck emptying the dumpster
Hair: wet

Into You

Blisters on my heels from yesterday's trek. Calves sore this morning. Yay!

Yesterday afternoon dissolved into a ball of frustration. My mother had purchased me a box spring at the Salvation Army on Saturday, so I knew they would be calling to let me know they were coming by to deliver. She had some problems at the store with people not seeming to know how to ring up the sale, where to put the order, etc. But no matter, the phone rang yesterday afternoon and it was the store. They'd made a mistake, they said. The queen they had in stock was actually a mattress, not a box spring, so they didn't have any of their new ones on hand, but they had one from Lounsbury's with the plastic still on it. Did I want that instead? And a credit for $20 worth or merchandise?

Well, it's only the boxspring, not the mattress, and it still has the plastic on it, and I could maybe get an end table with the $20 credit . . . so I say sure, why not, bring it over. They arrive. They drop the beast in the hall and scatter quicker than I can say Thanks, leaving me to lug the thing all by myself into the bedroom. This proves to be a bit of a struggle, getting the plastic off, lugging, and the thing is not in the kind of great shape that I imagined a box spring in its original plastic should be and it smells so musty I'm gagging. But still I'm optimistic, I'll Febreze the crap out of it. It'll be good enough. It's only a box spring, not a mattress.

I get it drug into the bedroom, drop it onto the frame, and it's only then that I notice what might have been readily apparent to anyone with any bed common sense who hadn't been knocked semi-unconscious by the musty smell . . . it's only a double!! I need a queen. Aye-yi-yi!

So I drag it all the way back into the hall, call the store, go through five people to get to the one I need, explain the situation . . . and she says she has to call me back. About then I start to boil over. She finally calls back. They'll have to order a new one. Take 10 days. Do I want one? I say I have to check with Mom, as she's the one making the purchase. But I'm done. I'd sooner sleep on the floor for the rest of my days as have to deal with those dingbats again.

So I febreezed my room to get rid of the musty smell, went to the Petro and bought bread and eggs so I might have a soy burger for supper and buckwheat pancakes today. And then I made a monster pot of chili. I mean MONSTER SIZED!! It's huge. I have chili for everyday this week and chili in the freezer to the end of days. This is frugal living. I'm into my third week here, and I can't afford groceries. I don't know when I'll be able to afford groceries. It could be awhile. I wasn't able to pay only part of the minimum on my credit card and some on the phone bill. I haven't got the hydro bill yet. That may be scary. But I have the rent covered. That's the main thing. Everything else I can shuffle around for awhile until I get this figured out.

I had hoped for an income tax refund. Had planned on it actually, but it's not going to happen. I'll consider myself lucky if I don't have to pay in. I'm trying not to get discouraged. I'm trying not to worry. But this is the poorest I've been ever, well not ever, but in past poor times I retreated to my parents and sponged off them, so it never seemed so bad. This is the poorest I've been on my own. And my basic cost of living is more than it's ever been before. So there you go. It's just the universe forcing me to find creative ways to earn extra money. That's all. It's just the contract I made with myself before I came here. I knew I'd need forcing, that I wouldn't go easy. So, here I am. Push has come to shove. I need to do something about it or . . .

Mood: pretty good for a poor white girl
Drinking: coffee, with cream
Listening To: On-Air with Ryan Seacrest
Hair: stringy