Renegade

I haven't been doing very well this week. And last, if I'm honest. And the week before that if you want to know the truth. It's mostly physical. Summer is not my best season. Winter is. And I guess I can't do anything about that. It is what it is. When it's really cold. I mean see your breath, fog rolls in the door when you open it, kind of cold, I live a basically pain-free existence. There are no swollen ankles. There are no achy hands. There are no sticky knees. Ten years ago I would have laughed in your face if you tried to tell me that winter would one day become my favourite season. Who could've known?

So I've done myself a great disservice by spending a weekend outside in the rain, soaked to my knees in mud. By the time we left the reunion on Sunday my hands were so achy I couldn't hold a cup. And I would've needed to hold a cup and slap back a bunch of drinks to have lasted the rest of the afternoon. I feel like my feet will never be warm again. My legs are stiff and swollen. My hands are still aching and numb. I haven't been to the gym all week. I have no intention of going (and it appears to be closed anyway, which makes that decision easier). The dampness is right in my bones. It's in my bones and it hurts. And the constant pain puts me in a foul mood. And the pain exhausts me. And the constant exhaustion frustrates me. And I just want to hide under the covers and weep. But I'm too tired and frustrated to even cry. It all takes too much energy. And I have none. No energy.

This is an arthritis flare. It won't last forever. And it's been quite some time since I've had one. I consider myself lucky. I used to feel this way more often than not. And that was not good. Most times I manage. Some times I don't. Right now, I'm not. But I will again. I've been through worse for longer. I'll come out of this too. Maybe all I need is a sea salt soak. Maybe all I need is a pair of wooly socks.

Mood: tired
Drinking: red bull
Listening To: smodcast
Hair: longish

Sticky

The humidity is high. How do I know this? My joints are swollen :( I hate that! Nevertheless I went to the gym today. Even though I have blisters on the pads of my feet the size of loonies and my head feels like it's going to pop off and my knees are locking and my fingers aching -- despite everything I walked down, trained, and walked home again. I even agreed to go walking this evening at the cove (which thankfully got cancelled!) because dammit getting into shape isn't easy and it's time to suck it up and stay on the move. But crap, this humidity sucks the big one. Honestly.

Today after I showered I just laid on the bed wet and naked for 20 minutes unwilling to move. I don't have A/C, just one fan. I keep the windows open for the breeze off the water, curtains closed to block the sun, lesser people would die in here, I'm sure of it.

My trainer remarked with surprise that he already noticed a difference in me today. I've only had four sessions. But it's true, I also notice a difference. My weight has always been pretty touchy, in that I can lose pretty quick and gain even quicker. Really, all I've done so far is walk more, drink more water, eat more frequently and go to the gym four times. I think I'll save the calorie counting for the plateau. That's the one thing everyone can count on.

Mood: tired
Drinking: nothing, need water
Listening To: a transport climbing Ledden hill
Hair: headbanded, slick, greasy, damp with sweat

101 in 101 Update

Briefly updated my 101 in 101 list. Want to revamp the whole thing, start fresh with things that matter to me now. Might get to that this week sometime.

My arthritis is acting up today. A little achy in the knees and fingers. A whole lotta sleepy and lazy from pain.

Went to the folks for Father's Day. Got caught up on Corrie and had a bbq. Spent some quality time with my furry beast.

Mood: tired (i know for sure because my mood ring has come back)
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: typing
Hair: stringy and needing a cut

How to Save a Life

Physically feeling much stronger today, though still pretty tired. I walked up the King George Highway this morning to do an interview, close to a half hour walk and all my pedometer registered was 10 minutes. I hate when that happens! It's because my pants are too loose to have it stuffed into my front pocket, it gets jostled and turned upside down and at odd angles. Oh well, at least I got the steps and didn't pass out from the walk.

I have a sharp jabbing pain happening periodically in and around my left knee. Not sure what that's about. Perhaps something arthritic? I haven't had a full on arthritis flare in a very long time, and seasons are changing, so . . . maybe.

There's a municipal election thing happening tonight at the Kin Centre. All the candidates are speaking, no Q&A though. I should go. I think T is going, but I should be there too probably. See how I feel about that later.

I've got to work all weekend. Trade show. I'm also hosting a play practice in my apartment on Saturday, so I need to get things in shipshape before the weekend arrives. I have yet to run lines with anyone. I don't know them. I've missed practice so far. So it seems my first one will be off-script . . . yeah. Yay! I've told Ms Director to be prepared to spoon feed me lines all day, lol. But seriously, I'm not even kidding. There is a very big part of my brain that still hasn't registered that I'm actually doing a play in a month's time.

I am sleeping so much! It's crazy. Last night I laid down around 9 and this morning I hung back in the sheets until the last possible moment, 8:30ish, and if I hadn't had to get up to go do an interview I might be hanging there still. I know I should go to the doctor. I know. I'll get to that someday soon.

Mood: scattered
Drinking: espresso
Listening To: raise a little hell, trooper
Hair: mussed

Day Five

It's Day Five of Detox, folks, and I feel mighty fine! I mean MIGHTY fine! It occurs to me as I look out my window at the fog and rain that my arthritis should be flaring in this wacky temperature rise. For many years now that's been my reality. But not today. My joints feel great.

I woke at 5:20, got up at 5:30, went to work by 6am. I've worked an hour and a half, got my day planned and on track, fired off some email and now I break to blog and eat breakfast. I would have eaten earlier, but I'm not allowed to eat and drink at the same time. For me this has probably been the most difficult part of the detox process, well you know, once you get past all the pain and lack of caffeine. You're not supposed to drink anything a half hour before and after you eat. That's pretty hard! But liquids dilute your stomach acids making your food more difficult to digest. So I wake up thirsty. I drink water. I have a cup of peppermint tea. Then I must wait a half hour before breakfast. So here we are, going on 8 and I'm having a banana and an apple. I have never eaten so much fruit in all my life! I chop it up into a bowl and eat it like a salad. This seems to work better for me than biting into a whole apple. The bite-sized pieces are more appealing.

Yesterday at the office T asked how much weight I had lost so far. Everyone said my face looked different, thinner. The weight loss aspect is so far removed from why I'm doing this, I hadn't even given it a thought. I feel different, yes. I feel great for sure. But I haven't noticed any difference in the mirror or in my clothes. And I didn't weigh myself before I started. I just wanted to do something safe and healthy to rid my body of nasty chemicals and toxins. Get totally off the caffeine for a bit to give my body a break, and then try not to get right back up to a pot of coffee a day. I wanted to find a plan I could do a couple of times a year. And I think I've found it all right. What a way to start the summer in six months time! And if I shed some pounds in the process, woo-hoo! Bonus! But for me the focus always has to be health, not weight, because if I start focusing on weight I invite all kinds of nasty things into my life. Maintain good health, stay active, and the rest falls in line.

Now I do wish the fog would lift, I have places to go and things to do!

Mood: chipper
Drinking: nothing
Listening To: buddy upstairs readying to leave early for the second morning in a row, think he's got a job, or a New Year's resolution
Hair: still atop my head

Achy Again

Awake since 5am though I tried to continue sleeping until 6:30, should have just gotten up. I'm in an achy season again. There seems to be an excess of moisture in the air or something. Pain makes me tired. I self-medicate. IOW (my own shorthand for In Other Words) I drink. And this is the drinking season too, so that can get excessive. One glass of wine can easily turn into two this time of year. And as I saw on the weekend two glasses quickly becomes two bottles. So I'm kind of in constant pain. There is no isolated spot, it's an all-over achy weariness. Even in sleep I'm in pain. Last night's series of dreams involved me being tortured. I'm not sure what information was being sought of me or why these people wanted to bend me to their will, but I found myself repeatedly being strapped into machines for various painful exercises. Chained into a chair with my arms dangling loosely by my side. Suddenly my wrists are enclosed in steel cuffs and the chair begins to rise. Lying on my back on a concrete slab, the man with the welders goggles begins to drill slowly into my knee cap. And so it went, from dream to dream, all night long. That is the sleep of one who is in pain. This morning I don't feel like going to any of the soirees I have been invited to this afternoon/evening. Perhaps I'll shake it off as the day progresses.

Mood: tired, sore
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: still haven't found what i'm looking for, u2
Hair: uncombed

Ow Wow

So my below zero feeling normal look ma no aches bit didn't last long. Temperatures in the teens! The frigging teens! You don't even want to know how bad this messes me up. My toes on my right foot . . . god love me :-(

It's the not the pain so much. Pain I can handle. But handling it, feeling it, living with it 24/7 for days on end is just so frigging exhausting. It's hard to wake up. Hard to stay focused. Much harder to get things done.

Mood: most of my body feels like it's on its fire (and not in a good warm nice way)
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: email plunk into my inbox
Hair: blah

Snowy Walk

It snowed. White stuff on the ground. Just a layer, but still. Winter. Finally. Last night I went for a walk after I got home from work. I walked down the Old King George Hwy almost to French Fort Cove (to the last house, I worry about bears closer to the cove). I love when the temperature goes below zero. It's difficult to describe how it feels, but last night racing along the pavement my legs felt fantastic, like I could walk forever, like a perfectly oiled machine. No pain, but even more than an absence of pain, like an injection of . . . youth? Joints swinging, no catching. No shin splints, no muscles pulling double duty. Pure perfection. Is this the way walking feels to other people all the time? And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I love winter! It's the only time of the year when I get to be completely normal.

When I walk the Old hwy I plug in both ear buds and get lost in my head with the music. Normally there aren't many or even any people around, I only cross two streets, sidewalk all the way, so I feel okay not necessarily having a grip on all the sounds around me. When I walk around the neighborhood, or on the hwy, downtown, etc. I leave one ear open so I don't accidentally step out in front of a car or people passing on the street don't sneak up on me and so on.

Anyway, last night just as I was getting back, passing the Co-op, I thought I could hear the train, and it seemed like it was too early for the train, so I was wondering if it was just trucks or if it was later than I thought (wanted to get home in time to watch Corrie) Lost deep in thought, slowing down on the sidewalk to see if I could see anything, Michael Buble crooning in my ears, and this young guy in a long coat, hood up, hands thrust into pocket, steps around me on the inside. Scared the freaking crap out of me! I screamed. I may even have pushed him. Which scared the freaking crap out of him! So he screamed. And then I saw it was just a geeky kid, probably going to the store or someplace, maybe one of the FatKat boys. So I apologized. And he hightailed it down the road and I barely made it home from doubling over, laughing so hard. It was freaking hilarious. Poor guy. I feel bad for him. I bet he thinks twice about passing anyone on the street again.

Mood: giggling
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: eyes of a stranger, queensryche
Hair: a constant puzzlement

On Any Given Day

I went shopping last nite. Word to the wise: Do not go shopping when you're having a sweet tooth moment! All last week, every frigging day, I craved ice cream, chocolate bars, and multi-grain Tostitoes. And every day last week I refrained from going out to the Petro and indulging my craving. I exercised extreme willpower. Which all went up in smoke last night. Why is everything bad on sale? Or even worse, two for one? I won't list everything I bought, but suffice it to say I am without groceries, totally broke, and reduced to eating peanut M&Ms for supper . . . okay, maybe it's not quite that bad, but damn close! lol The good news is I got lots and lots of coffee! And I even got the fair trade stuff I really like but have only ever seen at Co-Op. Yay!

Despite my fall into the sugar pit, I'm feeling super fantastic! Finally, I'm able to harness some of this autumn energy in a good way generating ideas and excitement. Good stuff!

Of course, with a degraded diet and this yo-yo weather my arthritis is making itself known. But even that discomfort can't dampen today's high spirits. Am I on a sugar high? Hmm. Within the realm of possibility.

Exciting things afoot! Nothing I can talk about yet.

Mood: happy
Drinking: coffee, cheapo Compliments brand, regular grind, dark roast, black
Listening To: Goldfrapp - Beautiful
via FoxyTunes
Hair: looks pretty damn sweet in its new hat!

My Lucky Day

Happy Friday the 13th! I worked pretty late last night and slept on the futon for the first time in months. It used to be a weekly occurrence back in Sackville. Of course, things were more scrunched up then, sleeping on the futon was mostly just to get a better view of the tv or in hopes that some morning sunshine might creep in through the skylight and hit me the next morning. Now, my tv is in the bedroom and definite walls separate rooms. Still the morning sunshine happens with the futon because the sun rises over the river. So that's where I laid down for a few hours this morning, so the sun would wake me after a cat nap and I wouldn't have to deal with a blaring alarm and a comfy bed.

This week's humidity has wreaked total havoc on my body, inflaming and swelling. Weeks like this it's hard to work. Everything takes ten times as long because I'm in a perpetual state of pain and fog. My legs have been so swollen! It's hideous. And it hurts, you know. I sit at my keyboard and I feel a sharp burning in my thighs. My knees ache and lock, like an un-oiled hinge. Calves and ankles disappear as everything swells to the same size. There's a sharp pain in my hips and I'm constantly fidgeting to try and get into a more comfortable position in my chair. All the little bones in my hands burn, like I jammed my hands in a slamming car door. My wrists ache. Finger co-ordination becomes difficult because my fingers are stiff and swollen. I make more mistakes when I'm typing. I type more slowly. I take more frequent breaks from the computer to stretch and walk around the room. I couldn't go for a walk outside to the cove or the wharf in this position. It would be too painful. I would swell too much. And I worry about things with swelling, like blood clots, so yes, while I do have a high tolerance for pain and I probably could force my way through it and into a walk, I try not to promote the swelling, I try to keep it to a minimum. So a stiff jaunt down the few stairs to my mailbox, and many slow moving walks about my apartment are all I can do in the high humidity. I've spent most of this week in an almost zombie state, never quite asleep, never at full conscious, but in that grey place between life and dreams. Chronic pain puts you there.

I've come to realize there's nothing to be done about these flare-ups. I mean I used to be much worse. I'm doing all that I can and I've made huge leaps and bounds. I have movement and flexibility. I can do things I couldn't before, like walk miles and miles. I no longer take any medication and am mostly pain-free. But when you have arthritis there is no cure, there's only management, a life without pain no longer exists for you. All my flares are triggered by changes in the weather. When seasons shift from higher to lower to higher temperatures. When summer humidity soars. When freezing winter temperatures rise above zero. I eventually acclimate to seasons changing, to rising winter temperatures. I have a painful week and then my body adjusts. That doesn't seem to ever happen with high humidity. There is no adjusting to humidity in the 80s and 90s percentile. The agony continues steadily until the humidity breaks. Which can make for the occasional exhausting hell of a week.

Luckily for me, it broke sometime last evening, and now it's below 60%. I'm still aching, I will ache for awhile until my body readjusts, but every hour it gets a little bit better. As long as it stays relatively steady, I will be right as rain again within a few days, by Monday. So I should be able to make up any ground lost this week on the weekend. And did I ever lose ground?! The perpetually tidy kitchen I've enjoyed for the past two weeks seems to have taken its summer vacation . . .

Mood: improved
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: birds singing, saws whizzing, kids laughing
Hair: pushed up and back in a black/white headband

Oh Happy Day!

Yesterday's 92% humidity was a friggin' killer. Creeps right into your joints and sets up shop, it does. So, I didn't seem to get much done yesterday on many fronts, because my knees and wrists were whacked. I went to bed pretty early, and stayed there quite late today. Everything seems to be in working order again now! Well in the knee department at least. Yay! Mobility is a fabulous gift! :-)

It is the Canada Day long weekend, here. Happy Canada Day, everyone! There are some things happening around my part of town--some free outdoor concerts, a parade, cake cutting, pancake breakfast and so on. I may or may not attend some stuff. I've no plans right now, just playing it by ear. Decided not to go up home, because I'll be in and out up there next weekend for the Dungarvon Whooper Festival and my high school reunion. If I go. That's all kinda up in the air too, playing it by ear. There's a lot going on next weekend. Rock 'n Roll Festival in town too.

I'm feeling a little pent up or something. Like a big ball of energy, about to explode. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Have to keep you posted on that.

A friend of mine invited me to this really cool event happening in July called the 24-hour Zine Thing. The challenge is to make a 24-page zine in a 24-hour time period. I've never done a zine. Yeah, you would've thought I had gone there at some point, but no, not unless those crazy things I used to make when I was a kid count . . . which I'm pretty sure The Daily Scoop doesn't count. Eep! I had forgot about that, lol. Anyway, I'm kinda intrigued by the idea. I'm kinda creatively sparked by the challenge. So I might give it a try. Really, what do I have to lose? If I create a sucky zine I just won't share the results with anyone. But maybe, just maybe, I'll create something interesting and entertaining.

And maybe if I do the zine thing, I'll be inspired to sign up for the 3-Day Novel Contest or at the very least NaNoWriMo or what the heck! Why not both? I mean, I think the tides are shifting . . . yesterday, I actually submitted a piece for consideration in an upcoming anthology . . . YEAH! ME! And today I'm on Places for Writers checking out the calls . . . some sort of publishing drive appears afoot in the wasteland . . . we shall see what, if anything, bears fruit.

The weather here today is amazing! Purrfect! Not too hot, sunshine, blue, white fluffys, what more could I ask for? Time to get some stuff done and stop all this lollygagging around smiling and smelling the roses.

Mood: brightside
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: what to do, ok go
Hair: stringy

Unruly Tenants

So achy breaky bone tired today. Damn dampness! It's one of those days when I just want to go back to bed and stay there, until tomorrow. Instead, I'm heading to the office for a meeting. No amount of coffee is going to whip me into alertness, methinks.

Last night there was a girl standing beside the guard rail at the cliff on my back lawn, screaming. I mean SCREAMING! And singing like some bjork song or something. Like singing to the heavens, flailing her arms, flinging herself around. Quite a big girl, no older than early 20s I'd say, perhaps a teenager, barefoot in the rain in the grass, wearing a pentecostal denim skirt midway on her calves, long hair held back in a bright canary coloured headband. She stayed out there screaming and singing and wringing her hands for about 30 minutes. It was bizarre. No idea whether she lives here or not. Did not really look like a summer solstice ceremony . . . no idea what she was all about.

Read an interesting analogy today. Our bodies are like apartment buildings and all our negative self-defeating thoughts and behaviors are tenants in the building. In fact they've been there longer than anybody else. They're comfortable living in our building. They throw loud parties and eat pizza and drink tons of beer. They destroy our property. No respect for our building whatsoever. Yet, we're the landlords, we want to protect our investment, protect our property. We have to throw those nasty tenants out and make room for some different tenants who will take good care of our apartment building. It's not easy to get rid of the unruly guys though, they're pretty settled in, been there a long time. They're not gonna move out without a fight. But as the landlord, ultimately, what we say goes, so we've just gotta be diligent and see the fight through.

Nice analogy I thought. Makes sense. Give 'em the boot!

Mood: exhausted
Drinking: water
Listening To: summertime, bon jovi
Hair: i don't wanna talk about it

Craving Salsa

My bones say a weather change is enroute. Maybe even snow, says my dad and Environment Canada. Yeah . . . won't that be lovely? NOT! This evening I am craving salsa and those multi-grain tortilla chips. I love those! They are the devil. Of course, I've never actually read the ingredients to see how devilish they are, so maybe they're not that bad. I'll have to have a look-see. I have all the fixings to make my own salsa (tomatoes, hot peppers, limes, onions, etc.) which I like a lot better than the stuff you buy anyway, and mine doesn't have any sugar or preservative crap. I don't have any chips, but I've got some rye crisp breads that might work. Trouble is, I'm much too tired to go about making all that and then eat it as my chin falls onto my chest and I crash for the night. Not good! So maybe tomorrow. IDEA! I could make some with eggs for breakfast! That would be yummy.

This morning I got up around 7 and went for a walk down to the Cove. This time I actually went in and did a loop. Didn't see a soul. Saw a huge ground hog though. Soon I'll start packing my backpack and getting some creative time down there. Looking forward to that, but for now I'm too caught up in other work-writing to take the extra time. Soon. Of course, with the weather being what it is today, my left knee has complained all day that it went walking and insists it won't go willingly again tomorrow. We shall see. Perhaps I can trick the stubborn joint by bribing it with the promise of red wine after a walk downtown to the liquor store, rather than the usual nature hike with squirrels? Ahh! Now, there's a solid plan. Best idea I've had in days.

Mood: bizarre
Drinking: rooibos
Listening To: twitters . . . or maybe just twits
Hair: off my face, and turning a most hideous shade of blonde from harmful uv rays :-(

Five Years

Five years ago today, I quit smoking . . . and fattened up for the kill. Quitting was the hardest thing ever. It ravaged my body. Ravaged! Nobody tells you about how ugly the detox part gets. Imagine 20 some years of poison leaving your body. It's not pretty. I didn't feel like myself for about 2.5 years after quitting. Constant craving, constant sticking something into my mouth to soothe the craving, absolutely zero metabolism so everything I shoved in stuck. I was obese within months of quitting. It happened really quickly. I still sometimes crave cigarettes. I suspect I always will. It's a terrible addiction. But now at least I'm able to combat the lingering aftereffect, the weight. Now, when I watch what I eat, drink lots of water, get some exercise, my body immediately reacts and I begin to notice subtle changes in the way my clothes fit, big changes in my energy levels, a nice change in my overall spirit and physical health. In the throes of quitting nothing I did mattered. No amount of exercise, healthy eating, water drinking, nothing made a difference, everyday I just got fatter and felt worse. It was a terrible time.

I've been thinking about the quit and about when I first found out I had arthritis before the quit. I've been thinking on the lesson of these things, how they helped me or changed me. I mean obviously both things have led to a healthier lifestyle for me, an awareness of my body that I never had before, but beyond that I think they taught me something else, about control.

When I was in bed with my first really bad arthritis flare and unable to get out and wondering if I would ever be able to walk normally again or if I'd be bedridden the rest of my days, I couldn't get up. I mean I really couldn't get up. There was no mind over matter, push through the pain, and go about my business solution to this thing, that had always worked for me in the past. Lord knows I tried, but no matter how much I demanded that my body respond, it just wouldn't. It shut down. I couldn't bend it to my will. And the same thing happened when I quit smoking and I was trying to lose weight. I exercised. I ate balanced, proportioned, healthy meals. I ran on the treadmill for 45 minutes every night and did strength exercises and drank gallons and gallons of water . . . and I just got fatter and fatter. I couldn't make it happen. I couldn't bend my body to my will.

I'm a control freak. I am, I admit it. It's only in the past five years that I've realized I'm a control freak, likely the rest of the world knew long before me. When I was trying to bend my body to my will, I didn't know I was a control freak. Both times I was emotionally devastated that I had no control. I mean it's not like I was trying to control somebody else's body, this was my body, and I've got a strong spirit, strong will, strong mind--it just made no sense to me that I couldn't make anything happen, I couldn't even comprehend, it seemed impossible that this could be happening. If I told my body to walk and ignore the pain, then dammit, I should've been able to walk!

Both these things pushed me over the edge of incomprehensibility. I'm talking major meltdowns. Before finally, I was forced into acknowledging these were physical conditions that were beyond my control. I have arthritis, I will always have arthritis, I have pretty much always had arthritis. It's a physical condition that is beyond my control. I needed to acknowledge that and rather than continue my daily life on sheer willpower and mind over matter, I needed to focus on what I could control, and that was living with arthritis in the most comfortable way possible. No quick fixes, but an overall change in lifestyle and philosophy for long-term results.

After I quit smoking my metabolism went on a long vacation, I did everything right and continued to gain weight. Again it was a physical thing that I couldn't control. And it wasn't until I acknowledged that and decided that there wouldn't be any quick fixes, that I needed to take my time and listen to my body and make improving my health the top priority, not losing the weight, that I actually started losing weight and keeping it off.

So today on my quit anniversary I'm thinking about these things and I can see how they helped me deal with control issues in all areas of my life. In relationship with my father, hauntings of past loves, work situations, new relationships, etc. It's been so freeing to finally understand that I can only control what's in my own mind, and that is all. Family, friends, and even my own body can not be manipulated to bend to my will, and if I try to make them they will always disappoint me. But I'm still a control freak, I mean I still have moments where I find myself getting frustrated or angry. And sometimes I fly off the handle and stick in the wall, throw a tantrum, but more times I have a little self-talk about what I can and cannot control and my frustration is subdued. The only thing you can control is your own mind. Grasp that concept and set yourself free.

Mood: metaphysical
Drinking: coffee, water
Listening To: bombers
Hair: tousled, but in a kinda sexy morning after the night before way

Big Clouds

Sunshine is nice but the wind has a chill. Some mysterious aches in my arms and hands. Still with the sinus! I'm going to start dumping in the spicy stuff and lots of garlic. Knock it out of me one way or the other. Went upriver this morning to the Miramichi Salmon Conservation Centre and took a tour, saw A LOT of fish! Sammy got a little squeeze. All good stuff! Now I've returned and trying to get my head back into the screen. Think I need to eat something first. I'm enthralled by the hundreds of ducks congregated on a low tide island across the shore. Everyday. They're here absolutely everyday. I love it! No time to blog more now. Sammy beckons.

Mood: creative
Drinking: i'm thinking a mid-afternoon merlot is not out of the question
Listening To: seagulls
Hair: windblown

Slow

I'm a real slow mover today. Both legs still semi-swollen. After 12 hours standing on concrete and the 20+ minute walk home my legs had swollen so much I was worried I wouldn't get my pants off without cutting them. I laid with my feet elevated for a couple of hours and brought the swelling down some. I rewatched The Matador. Love it! Still. And drank wine until my aches numbed. Every joint burning today. I just want to go back to bed. I think I will in a bit after company has come and gone. Sammy haunts me. Yesterday a child in a Tommy t-shirt, I looked and thought it said Sammy Sammy Sammy Sammy all up and down across the front. But it was Tommy, of course. I need to do laundry. I am very near to being totally out of clean knickers. Keeping my wobbly bits covered is of utmost importance. Tuned into Coronation Street this morning. My, but I do love Sunday mornings in bed with CBC. Though this week I couldn't bear to get up and make a cuppa. I would not have moved and would be there still, if the phone hadn't rang. My bistro does brunch today, but i've no energy to go, no money once i got there. No energy to cook. I should put something simple on, like a roast and then just go to sleep until it's ready. It's a damp grey day. Perfect roast weather. What an idea!

Mood: fogged in
Drinking: coffee, the canadian kind, with cream
Listening To: refrigerator loudly humming
Hair: every which way but the way it's supposed to be

Unwell

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Low tide, water smooth like a pane of glass. Gorgeous. New pollutant on the river this morning. Blackish smoke drifting up and over the water. Like they sent out one big shot of crap, sneak it out early when people aren't paying attention. Weird.

I'm not well. Haven't been since yesterday afternoon sometime. Not sure what's up, slight stomach virus maybe? Allergies? Sinus? Got some stomach stuff happening, like pain, not nausea. Major headache happening. Pain around my eyes. Hard to concentrate and focus. Difficulty sleeping last night. Restless. Unpleasant thoughts.

Couldn't go for a walk last night because I'm swollen again. Ankles mostly. Still semi-swollen this morning. Gonna have to get horizontal for a time. Perhaps I need to watch another movie besides The Wizard of Oz. Everyday this week I've watched the Wizard. Bits and pieces, not all of it, everyday. I'm about to implode from the pressure of it all. Great practice for the 3-day novel contest. If I live to see the day, I may even enter. Somehow I think that would be easier though, because that would be my story. This isn't. I don't know what this is. It's the reason artists drink. To have done it right I should have started last June. I'm the Debbie Macomber of tourism writing.

It would be helpful if my head wasn't splitting in two. I have taken some ibuprofen and now don't want to dump sinus meds on top, lest I O.D. and people blame Sammy, lol. So, I'll wait a bit, then pop the non-drowsy sinus meds. They always make me happy.

Not that I'm unhappy, I'm just unwell. Watery eyes, squinting because it hurts to see. I am starting to see the parallels though. You watch the Wiz everyday, and you start to see it. The problem is delicate. The balancing act. How to say it all, let the story build and develop in a natural way, and get everyone in and have it all resolved in 7000ish words. This is the challenge. Tight writing takes some time. Time has not been my friend on this project. At this point one just has to take a deep breath and pray this thing comes together. Cuz right now alls I got is a bunch of disjointed overwritten crap. Oy!

Yes, I know, I ALWAYS say that . . . but this time is different. This time I've got a friggin sinus headache! Ok, enough freaking out. Time to get back to it. I can't get over how calm the water is even as the tide shifts. What a day!

Mood: achy
Drinking: coffee, mostly black, juice, 100% blackberry & pomegranate
Listening To: comfortably numb, the scissor sisters
Hair: in the blue speckled headband

To A Teacher

Once and for all the silence . . . so close to Eden . . .

Sunshine on the Mighty Miramichi! Great day to be on the river! Especially after many days of grey. The waterfowl continue to fascinate and enthrall. Yesterday we went to Eel Ground, Sunny Corner, and Red Bank. Lots of snow there still. Biting wind yesterday. A good excursion though. Lots happening. I never realized how close all the communities are, especially Sunny Corner and Red Bank. I semi-recall going to a dance back there one time. At the legion? A teen dance? Maybe an adult one. All so long ago now.

Today I am going for a walk, outside! For real. There are things I need to do, places I need to go. It's time to get off my butt and get stuff done. Not that I've been lazing, I've just been otherwise occupied. I need to take care of some stuff. A relief to have decided against going to Frye, both financially and mentally. I gained a week! And I need longer than that still. I've also pulled out of some weekend commitments. I need to be home for a bit. I need to be alone with my computer and words. It's nearly May! And I'm starting to pull my hair out. My house is collapsing in on me. All go, all the time, drives me crazy.

Things were supposed to slow down once I moved. A friend said we bring our pace with us, wherever we go, and if mine was frenetic before, and that's how I live, then it will also be frenetic here. This does seem to be the case. But it's not what I want. I want calmness. I want balance. I want to be in control of the pace, on top of the work, and not being flung every which way, not be a slave to my life. I'm tired. Something's gotta give. I've got to figure it out. I don't know how much longer I have before burn-out. I've already given up so much, backed out of so much . . . surely there must be room for me in this life somewhere. Surely, I can make room for me and the things I care about sometime, somehow, somewhere.

Ah, every joint aching. This explains much of today's mood. Pain does it every time. Temperature must be rising . . . or falling. Here we go again.

Mood: panicked
Drinking: earl grey, hot
Listening To: i want to be the boy, the white stripes
Hair: being plucked by the roots

Bueller? ... Bueller? ... Bueller? ...

No dry eyes here. Just dry skin. Very dry. Up late last night again. Slow to get around this morning. It's hard to get up when your body has seized up in the night. Everything stiff. Everything achy. These are the days I dislike most. And it's dark and dreary and wet outside, which doesn't help. 4 degrees at 8am. Hovering just above zero is painful stuff. Perhaps I'll adjust. Perhaps. No time to dally here today I'm afraid. Duty calls. Opinions are expected.

Mood: achy
Drinking: coffee, black
Listening To: my own yawns
Hair: someday soon something shocking seems suitable

Figuring It All the Way Out

So I've been kinda half wondering what the frig is wrong with me these past couple days, since Saturday anyway. Why am I so tired? Why am I spending more and more time in bed and less time doing the things I need to be doing? And this morning as I tried for a good 10 minutes to comfortably get myself from my bed on the floor to a standing position, it dawned on me -- arthritis flare! Yes! Now we're talking. Of course, this makes tremendous sense. Temperatures have gone above freezing. Seasons are starting to shift. The air fluctuating. I realized on Saturday that I was super sore, really stiff, especially in through my legs and back, but I had taken a pretty bad tumble on Friday afternoon, slipped on the ice, fell on my knee and whacked it so bad I nearly passed out from the pain of it. I have a high threshold for pain. If I'm passing out, you know it's severe. So Saturday I just thought I was having residual effects. But yesterday as I noticed my Grammie Coughlan-like swelled ankles, and struggled to get my fingers to use the can-opener, the truth started to come clear. This morning, sealed the deal.

First spring flare. Nothing more. Nothing less. Bad timing for sure. And me with zero ibuprofen. But it is what it is. Just need to pay better attention today, listen to my joints, baby them a bit. Give them breaks and a bit of a variety.

This too will pass.

Mood: ok
Drinking: coffee, cheap & black (someday i will be able to grind my own beans again. someday.)
Listening To: people getting off to work in the building
Hair: too long for comfort, not long enough to tie up and forget about