I Will Remember

While I was away in Fredericton a couple of weekends ago, a man I used to know hung himself . . . Hangings in general bother me because that's how Brent finally went. Suicide is hellish business. I wasn't even that close to Brent and I had terrible episodes of guilt where I wondered if I couldn't have helped him more. I know, I know, crazy thoughts, but still that's the kind of mess suicide leaves behind. It's got to be 3000 times worse for the immediate family. But enough about Brent, it makes me sad. I wanted to write about Marven.

I haven't seen him in at least 10 years and the last time I did he wasn't the same guy I remembered -- too much drugs, drinking, etc. I used to know Marven when he was just a young man and I was still in high school. He would have been in his early to mid 20's I would say . . . too old for me to be hanging out with, but so was everybody in the crowd I ran with. Oddly enough at that time he represented the voice of reason in our crazy lives. He was often the one keeping the boys from getting in too much trouble, keeping us in line and under the radar, so nobody ended up in prison or dead. I'm sure anyone who knows who I'm talking about and the kind of loose cannon he turned into will find that amusing. But it's true.

Marven gave me one of the best pieces of advice I ever got in my life, something that I've never forgotten and always tried to live by. My last summer home before I went to Toronto to go to school was a pretty insane time for me. I was excited to be leaving but scared as hell. I was an emotional wreck really. I suffered from insomnia and wicked recurring nightmares. I got caught up in episodes of deja vu that lasted for 10 - 15 minutes at a time. I worried that I might get stuck in deja vu for the rest of my life, sitting by the sidelines, knowing everything that was going to happen before it did, unable to change anything or participate. It was a scary prospect and it nearly drove me crazy. Thinking back on those months, maybe I was a little crazy.

I remember I had a lot of freedom that summer. My family moved to the camp and I had the house to myself for months. I never brought anyone home, didn't have wild parties where we trashed the house . . . I just never came home, I stayed out on the roads traveling and partying, getting into all kinds of trouble, juggling two boyfriends -- I couldn't bear to be alone or straight for one second because then the reality of leaving would be too scary, the nightmares would take over. I only came home when I knew the folks would be stopping in and to shower. Sometimes I slept there, but I didn't sleep much that summer and most times I slept in cars or outside in fields. I guess I was a little out of control. And to top things off, I was pretty much a loner that summer. Stacy had stuff going on with her boyfriend, Donna and Gloria had moved. I was a girl on her own, whose best friends were a bunch of guys in their 20's, who were considered bad news. Interesting times, indeed.

I don't know that too many people noticed how fucked up I was. Well, I don't remember too many people reaching out to help me. But I remember Marven taking me aside one day. He asked me how I was, if I knew what I was going to do about school, about the boyfriends . . . It was kind of a fatherly gesture, which I know is really bizarre considering who he was, but still at that moment in that place I trusted him enough to tell him I wasn't doing so good and I was scared, I didn't know what to do. And that's when he imparted his words of wisdom that I've never forgotten. He said nothing was harder to live with than wondering what if. Screwing up might hurt like hell, he said, but I'd get over it eventually and that pain would go away. The pain of wondering what if would be something that would stay with me for the rest of my life, there would be no way to get rid of it and it would hurt more the longer I carried it around. He used to have some pretty intense philosophical moments back in the day :-) I never forgot his advice and he was right. Lord knows I've screwed up lots in my life but I don't regret my mistakes because I learned valuable lessons from each and every one . . . it's the things I didn't do, the things I chickened out on, the what ifs -- those are my only regrets.

Mood: nostalgic
Drinking: I think tea has started to give me heartburn . . . still, I'm drinking it . . . and eating peppermints to combat the heartburn
Listening To: Free, Rick Springfield
Hair: silky soft