Doesn't Look A Bit Like Jesus

Did I mention it's Fall Fair weekend here?

Saturday, September 23

Hinchey's Giant Midway
As part of the Sackville Fall Fair, Hinchey's Giant Midway will be operating from September 20th to the 24th. Located at the corner of King Street and Main Street. Come and enjoy!

7:30 AM 11:00 AM Fall Fair Breakfast
Fall Fair Breakfast, Sackville Lions Club, 10 Dufferin Street. Menu: eggs, bacon, sausage, homemade beans, toast, juice, tea, coffee. Price: adults $6.00, children 6 years and under FREE. Proceeds go to Lions Community Projects. Everyone welcome!

8:00 AM 12:00 PM Yard Sale at United Church
Yard Sale at the Sackville United Church, Saturday, September 23rd from 8:00 am until noon. Everyone welcome!

8:00 AM 11:00 AM Yard Sale at sgci
Yard Sale at sgci Communications, 131 Main Street, Saturday, September 23rd from 8:00 am - 11:00am. Rain or shine. Proceeds going to Relay for Life. Everyone welcome!

9:00 AM 12:00 PM Farmer's Market
Farmer's Market every Saturday morning at the Bridge Street Cafe, 8 Bridge Street, Sackville. For additional information call Cathy at 536-4428

9:00 AM 4:00 PM Yard Sale at Sackville Legion
Yard Sale at the Sackville Legion, 15 Lorne Street, Saturday, September 23rd and Sunday, September 24th from 9:00 am until 4:00 pm. Rain or shine. Everyone welcome!

1:00 PM Sackville Fall Fair Parade
Sackville Fall Fair Parade, Saturday, September 23, beginning at the Drew Nursing Home, 165 Main Street, ending at the Salem Elementary School, 70 Queens Road, where awards will be presented.

3:00 PM Fall Philosophy & Film Series
The Fall Philosophy & Film Series: A philosophically interesting film will be playing every Saturday at 3:00 pm in the Wu Centre, Sir James Dunn Bldg, 67 York Street. The film playing This week is "Matter of Heart". Everyone welcome!

4:00 PM 6:00 PM Hip of Beef Supper
The Westmorland Historical Society is holding a Hip of Beef Supper on Saturday, September 23 between 4:00pm and 6:00pm at the Keillor House Museum in Dorchester. Menu: tossed salad with house dressing, roast beef with harvest vegetables, choice of dessert, tea and coffee. Cost: $10.00 per person. For additional information call 379-6636.

7:00 PM St. Ann's Talent Auction
St. Ann's Annual Talent Auction starting at 7:00 pm at St. Ann's Church Hall, British Settlement Road, British Settlement, Saturday, September 23rd. Everyone welcome!

7:30 PM Sackville Haunted Hike
Sackville Haunted Hike: An hour long walking tour of Sackville's most haunted sites guided by Professor Ignatius Newcombe. Meet at the entrance to the Waterfowl Park next to St. Paul's Anglican Church, 125 Main Street at 7:30 pm. Admission by donation. For additional information contact Paul Merrigan at 536-3866 or sackville_haunted_hike@hotmail.com

8:00 PM Donnie & the Monarchs
Donnie & the Monarchs will be performing for the Fall Fair Dance presented by Cape Jourimain Nature Centre, Saturday, September 23rd at 8:00 pm at the Sackville Veterans Memorial Civic Centre, 182 Main Street. Tickets are $25 and available at the Civic Centre, Jean Coutu, Tidewater Books and Bridge Street Cafe. There will also be a Silent Auction. All proceeds to go to Cape Jourimain and the Civic Centre. Everyone welcome!

9:00 PM Harmony Trowbridge
Harmony Trowbridge: Toronto's Vinyl-Cafe-approved songwriter "Harmony Trowbridge" will be performing at George's Roadhouse, 67 Lorne Street, Saturday, September 23rd. Plus Sackville favourite David Myles and Mount Allison duo Pat LePoidevin and Corey Isenor. Admission $5.00 at the door. No person under 19 years of age. For additional information contact Tim Jones at 364-0864 or tsjns@mta.ca

9:00 PM 12:00 AM Dance at Mount Whatley Hall
Dance at Mount Whatley Hall, every second Saturday from 9:00pm - 12:00 midnight. Music by Del Wheaton & Co. Admission $5.00 per person.

Mood: awake since daybreak, what is up with that?
Drinking: coffee, instant, with cream . . . kinda blech! but the machine is on the fritz
Listening To: The Luckiest, Ben Folds
Hair: needs some work

Grace

I ate meat last night. Not much, but a little bit. And it made me frigging sick. I don't know why. This is unexpected. Oh well. Vegetarianism continues.

Tonight I've got a writing meeting. Just me and another girl, this is the smaller group. I'm feeling lazy but I've got to walk out to the Tim Horton's to meet her. I could have hosted the thing, but the walk will do me good. I'll appreciate having walked after I do it. Now, not so much, but later I'll be better.

Season premiers of Grey's Anatomy and ER tonight. The L Word starts next Thursday. Didn't watch anything last night.

My coffee maker quit today. Busted. Won't turn on. Dammit! Tomorrow will be an instant coffee day . . . but I can't see that lasting long. I'll have to find the money somewhere to buy a new machine ($15 bucks in hand to do until next Friday, no, not this Friday, but next Friday the 29th.) Maybe I can order one from Sears. They have them at Home Hardware, but that is the longer walk. And the last time I walked home from out there carrying stuff, it was not pretty.

This afternoon when my body decided to spend a good chunk of my day sitting on the toilet, I could hear my neighbors in their kitchen. Having breakfast, tho it was quite late. Talking about the goings on from two night's ago, as if they haven't seen each other since. Conclusion -- the bastards slept all day yesterday!! Meanwhile I didn't have that luxury. I had to get up and go places and do things. Sometimes I really dislike having housemates. Other times I miss them when they are gone.

One of the boys has a crush on the girl living in the house. Or a healthy lusting. They may or may not have slipped up at one time and slept together. It seems like that in some of their conversations. He has a long-distance long-term girlfriend from wherever he's from. She has a boyfriend who is here quite a bit on weekends. She seems oblivious to what I think is definitely a crush or something on her roomie's part. Whenever they're alone in his room, smoking up, he brings up sex, he talks about her boyfriend and how he would never do that (the boyfriend frequently behaves poorly). Aye yi yi! I recognize these conversations. The girl appears as oblivious as I always was though. Does this mean I've actually learned something? Or can I only recognize the signs when I'm a distant observer?

Mood: lazy
Drinking: nothing, soon to be a timmy's
Listening To: Good Guys Don't Always Wear White, Bon Jovi
Hair: maybe i should just shave my head and buy wigs

Spinning Me Round

I didn't do so good yesterday. Tired. Yes, I still ate and walked and did my exercises, but I never escaped my sleepy state. Last night I stayed up too late reading and then when reading became impossible because of the noise distraction in the house, I just laid awake listening and writing in my mind, occasionally getting up to look out the window. My students have friends visiting this week. They've actually been here since the weekend, and the party has not stopped since their arrival. When they party at the front of the house I can't hear them, so it doesn't bother me, but last night they were smoking up in the bedroom on the other side of mine. Are all the young people on coke and E now? Like everyone? I mean these are some pretty good kids living in this house. They're neat and bright and goal oriented and respectful and conscious . . . yet they're drunk every day, doing drugs in bar bathrooms with strangers, sitting around in thongs looking at porn until daylight, getting so wasted friends have to carry them to bed. It's weird to lay and listen to them and think back to being that age. Yes, I would've been right there with them, experiencing everything. To think forward to when my nieces and nephew get to that age. Scary.

Writers' Pot Luck tonight. My potatoes have undergone the first baking already. Bacon and more baking coming up shortly. I should look for a story to submit. Tomorrow night I meet with the other writers'. Next weekend I go to Freddy to emcee a reading.

It's Fall Fair time again. Lots on the do. I just found out Clerks 2 is the Friday night Toonie movie at midnight at the Vogue. I had hoped it would play like a regular movie run, but apparently it is not to be, so if I want to see it in a theatre, this is my only chance. I'm not too keen on walking home alone so late is all, but it's not far, not that big of a deal. It's funny, I used to walk everywhere late at night in Miramichi and never worry . . . and lord knows there was stuff to worry about.

Yesterday, House of Blues sent me a pre-sale code for Elton John at Air Canada Centre in Toronto this November. Just for the hell of it I went to Ticketmaster, punched in the code and did a search for a single seat, best available. Frigging Centre Floor Row 13 came up! I checked the seating map and yeah it was 13 rows from the stage. Elton John! Man! I wanted to take it so bad. But there's no way I can afford another trip to Toronto this year. No freaking way.

Mood: a little dazed
Drinking: coffee, still effing folgers crystals, but with real cream!
Listening To: Kiss the Bride, Elton John
Hair: but seriously, i have hair?!

Don't Give Up

Tried the vanilla flavoured rice milk today. Blech! Blech! Blech! The soy is practically pleasant in comparison. Cream will be coming back to my diet. I can't drink black coffee without craving a cigarette.

Slept a bit later today. I woke just after 7 and then laid in bed for two hours, occasionally dozing, mostly just thinking. Quiet time can be good too, but I am feeling a bit lazier today than yesterday. Slow to get around. I'm kinda achy and sore though, which always has a lot to do with it.

I had a good day yesterday. Crossed something important off my list, when I got my medicare straightened out. Voted in the election, even though I wasn't the person named on the card and nobody bothered to ask me who I really was or request proper ID or anything. NOT the kind of stuff they'd let you get away with in Blackville. Exercised for about a half hour. Very productive work day with quite a few stories shaping up finally. Ate first and second breakfast. Blogged on many blogs. Watched Oprah, and Vanished and the premier of Smith, as well as election results, then Letterman and dozed in and out of Craig Ferguson. Talked to my mom on the phone, twice, my dad once. Read a chapter of Alistair's book, a bunch of stuff on Oprah's website and everyone's blog. Washed and dried and put away my bedding and my jeans. Had salad and bread and wine and french fries with mushroom gravy. Discovered that the bacon I purchased for my casserole tomorrow night is MIA, AWOL, still in the friggin cab drivers trunk no doubt. Is this a sign that meat should not enter my home?

Slow to get around today. Yep. Maybe I should go for a walk and see if I can get any energy. Maybe I need to go back to bed. I have been going straight out for a bit now, after a lethargic existence. My body isn't used to this, maybe I need a little rest. Lots of dreams on the hook last night too, which makes for a not very restful sleep. Where do these crazy dreams come from? I could not consciously make this crap up.

Mood: slow witted
Drinking: black coffee
Listening To: Open Road Song, Eve 6
Hair: do i have hair?

Have A Drink On Me

Eyes opened at 7:02 this morning (which makes it actually more 6:40'ish), feet hit the floor at 7:07. The thing about having the only visible clock in your bedroom set a good 20 minutes fast is that you're never actually certain what time it is and I tend to err on the cautious side choosing to believe I'm only 10 minutes ahead rather than a half hour. The great thing about not setting the clock properly is that by the time I get back upstairs after stumbling down to make coffee, wash my face and all that morning routine, the time is still the same as when I got up. Today when I turned on the computer it was 7:02. Not too shabby. But I actually haven't purposely set my clock ahead, the minutes button is broken on this ancient beast, so I just set it to the closest hour and ended up a good 20-30 minutes fast. I don't mind.

What is really freaking me out about this meatless diet I'm on is the morning. I'm actually waking up thirsty and along with my usual cup of coffee, the first thing into my system is water and fruit. This is good! Anyone who knows me knows that breakfast is something I've struggled with all my life. I've always been a single meal per day type of gal. This past year I've been really focusing on incorporating breakfast into my life though. Intellectually, I know how important it is to my health. Physically, I've always been repulsed. Breakfast, quite simply, has always made me a little sick. I would have to be up and around and have consumed a pot of coffee before I could eat. This year I've been forcing the issue, force-feeding myself in the morning (when I remembered to do so), but this morning I woke up with such a thirst (drinking more water too, and the more I get, the more I seem to want) that before I even had coffee I bit into a plum. I ate a plum because I really really wanted one, and I loved every minute of it. This mightn't seem like much, but trust me, this is one huge freaking deal! BEFORE COFFEE! I ate breakfast, before having coffee. I don't know that this has ever happened before. I certainly don't remember a time. I can tell you are not as excited about this development as I am, but that's all right.

Election day in New Brunswick. I am apathetic but intend to exercise my right to vote anyway. Lots on tap for this foggy grey day. I've already got a load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer. I am intent on doing something that I can cross off my list today. I won't tell you what just yet, but let you be tres surprised when I pull it off later.

I've been reading Bill Allin's blog religiously since first being introduced to it and him and his wife last week by chance. Everyday he writes something profound, something that seems to leap off the screen and slap me upside the head. "Treasure the people who acknowledge your strengths," he wrote yesterday. And it's so true. Everyone's always so worried about what everyone else thinks, so hard on themselves because of this constant worry of being judged. Meanwhile, the kind of people who will judge you simply aren't worth your energy. I like this.

And with that, I'm off! Much to do.

Mood: energized
Drinking: coffee with soy (soon to be replaced by a rice milk alternative as the experiment continues)
Listening To: My Head Sounds Like That, Peter Gabriel
Hair: prepping to go a shade lighter by nightfall

All These Things That I've Done

I think meat made me lethargic. Yes, the veggies initially made me weak. But when I eat breakfast and lunch and dinner and snacks. And when I eat the tofu and the nuts and make sure to get the protein. Well, I feel somewhat less foggy. More . . . I dunno, determined or something. Good on me!

Today I walked to Co-Op and purchased almost a hundred bucks of supplies, which we all know doesn't go that far, but hey it's more than I can carry. I mistakenly thought I would go today and leisurely make my way around a near empty store. Big mistake! I've never seen so many people in one place around here! There were more people shopping at Co-Op this afternoon than there were people at the Sam Roberts concert. Insanity! The aisles were truly clogged. I had a much more leisurely shop the other day when I was there. Who knew?

The exciting find of the day was the Fair Trade Organic bars in white, milk and dark chocolate. I got a white and dark to try. I also got all the supplies to make my infamous twice-baked-potatoe casserole for Wednesday night's literary pot luck. I suspect some meat will enter my system at that meal, it will be interesting to see what (if any) effect this has upon my body.

Very humid and hazy day going on. The air is thick with smoke from Ontario forest fires says my dad. I had thought the woods must be burning down somewhere when I was out walking earlier. The streets were blocked for the Terry Fox Run. I pity anyone running in this humidity. Good cause though. Sad to remember Terry's run.

Second time today I've come here intent on writing about something and then forgetting all about it once I arrived. Yes, this is me feeling less foggy! Imagine what I'm like normally. I need ginko or something.

Mood: crystal clear
Drinking: pre-dinner Greek red
Listening To: Disarm, Smashing Pumpkins
Hair: stringy

Little Bit of Soul

Awake at 7:50 this morning. No alarm. Just rested, I guess. Considering my clock runs about 20 minutes fast, that makes it more like 7:30. There's nothing like Sunday morning! I do enjoy it. Accomplished many things yesterday in the way of slapping myself upside the head. The journey continues today. Feeling optimistic.

Watched Holiday Inn and Going My Way last night. A Bing Crosby double-bill. With Cornation Street having Christmas all week, is it any wonder I want snow? Cornation Street has been very festive, with everyone wearing their cracker crowns during dinner and playing games. Makes me want a game night. And turkey. Makes me want turkey in a big way! :-D

I came here intent on writing about something, but by the time I arrived I forgot what it was that I intended to say. Oh well. Big tv night with the premier of The Amazing Race. Looks like the pilot for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is airing on at least one channel tonight. Also Six Feet Under's final season continues on Showcase at 11. I'll be disappointed to see it finish. Anyway enough resting on my laurels, lots to do.

Mood: excellent
Drinking: folgers with soy
Listening To: When You Were Young, The Killers
Hair: prickly blonde bed head

A Star Without Me

Today is going to be a gorgeous day. HOT! Sunny! Blue skies! Who said summer was over? Anyway, knowing this, and knowing the general depressed kind of slump I've been in all week I decided today would be the perfect day to knock myself upside the head and force a snapping out of it. So I set my alarm for a reasonable wakening this morning of 8 am. I woke on my own at 4 minutes to 8, turned off the alarm (because really it's impossible to start a "happy" day with that blaring beep), then dozed until almost 9. Up, showered, no coffee, no computer, no food, and out the door, where it was already mighty humid.

I went to Mel's, grabbed the Telegraph Journal, immersed myself in The Reader over coffee and griddle cakes. Fabulous! Crossed the street to the bank, then the market where I bought a cake of natural homemade soap (apricot oatmeal). Into the bookstore for an Alistair MacLeod book (because I'm workshopping with him in November . . . FINALLY!) Then down the street to the natural food store where I got some coconut milk, homemade organic whole grain bread and some sort of culture stuff Stacy told me about that's supposed to flush all the bad toxins outta me (good to do a cleansing now when I'm on this vegetarian kick I think). Then home refreshed and lively to face my computer. I want to walk out to the liquor store for a bottle of red, but it'll have to wait until this evening methinks as it's mighty hot out there now.

Eastlink have set up a tower in the field to broadcast something Mounties, big game today I think, girls out on their front lawn spray painting banners, lots of activity around the field.

So I'm still doing the vegetarian thing, no meat. I gotta say it's a bit difficult to do, I've been feeling weak, sickly, a lot of the time. Achieving a good balance seems hard. I bought a tub of my favourite salad greens but it's organic, and it's got spinach in it, and it's from the USA, so I'm afraid to eat it, think I'll probably just toss to be safe. Been drinking lots of water this week, which is very good for me. Today I feel pretty good. To complete the experiment and cross it off my list, I need to eat vegetarian for another week, then I think I will want to ease back in some meat, but maybe I can find some free range chickens or something around here, something a little less toxic. Perhaps if I'm eating less meat, I can afford better quality. It's a theory anyway.

Mood: improving
Drinking: water
Listening To: Greedy Fly, Bush
Hair: thinned out by my own hand

Cool Kids Never Have The Time

It's Christmas time on Cornation Street. Makes me want to have a Christmas where I can pop down the cobblestoned street to the pub for a pint. I miss having friends at Christmas. I miss the losers lonely hearts club. Sometimes. Other times, I know I'm better without them. I just wish something good would happen, you know.

Weird, I wrote that and this song came on.

Just wanna know ya
Just wanna talk to ya
I wanna hear about your day
I'd never leave ya
Never be mean to ya
I'd always let you get your way

Something good will come our way
And maybe this good thing's gonna happen today

If I were honest I'd tell you everything
But it keeps coming out as lies
It's not a promise
In case you're wondering
It's not some blessing in disguise

But something good will come our way
And maybe this good thing's gonna happen today
Something good will come our way
And maybe this good things gonna happen today

I know romance is not in fashion
And my heart is on the line
If you would be so kind
To help me kill some time

Then something good just might come crashing
From the stars that light the sky
If you would be so kind
To help me kill some time

Just wanna know ya
Just wanna talk to ya
I wanna hear about your day
I'd never leave ya
Never be mean to ya
I'd always let you get your way

Something good will come our way
And maybe this good thing's gonna happen today
Something good will come our way
And maybe this good things gonna happen today

Weird, huh? A sign? Perhaps. Anyway, my boy Lukas kicked some serious Rock Star ass and takes home the prize. As if there was ever any doubt. I was surprised to see Toby go third though. I thought he had improved and grown so much throughout the show, that he should've been second. Actually, I was a little concerned he had taken the whole deal, so I sighed a big sigh of relief when they gave him the boot. I knew there was no way Dilana could win it all, that would just be silly.

Tonight Survivor starts, but I haven't watched in years, so there you go. At least I won't be jumping on that show too. Now that Rock Star and BB7 are done, I've got to try and reign in this crazy tv kick I've been on this summer. Get back to basics. Not pick up any new programming. There is so much work to be done. So very much. And so many books to be read. The pile at the head of my book seems to grow every day, all books that I haven't read yet. Not enough hours in the day.

In other news, I'm writing fiction. Only a few words here and there, but yay me anyway!

Mood: weirded out
Drinking: water
Listening To: Something Good, Bic Runga
Hair: about to change for the season

Something New

Went to the Save-Easy yesterday and had a look around. Now is the time to stock up on peppers! I'm totally going to get a bunch and freeze them for stir-frys. The Save-Easy's "vegetarian" products selection is not very big, but it exists, which is good. I bought a litre of soy milk. There were many different flavours, but I just got plain, for coffee whitening etc. I poured some into a glass when I came home and tried it . . . it's NOT milk! That's for sure! A tad bit . . . chalky? But I've never been a big milk drinker anyway, so it won't matter. I could probably tolerate it on cereal. I had some in tea later and it was fine. Tomorrow when I go to the cafe for a meeting I'm going to try a soy latte or cappuccino to see how that goes.

I've been craving pizza, so I bought a vegetarian one and enjoyed it when I got home. Other than the usual veggies and nachos and an absence of meat, that was pretty much it. Oh, except for the ice cream. It's not real ice cream. It's some sort of tofu frozen chocolate pop. The texture is more like a pudding pop and it's got a hint of mint flavour, but surprisingly not at all hideous. I kinda like them. The bonus is they are only 30 calories each and a great balance of carbs and protein, 9 grams of one, 10 of the other, or something similar. And because of the protein, these little treats really fill you up.

Vegetarians don't actually give up dairy (vegans do) so my goal is not to go completely dairyless (because damn! I love cheese!) but to make more choices that include less dairy. For now, I'm just going to cut back on meat and try some different things (like tofu). I have to say that leaving the grocery store with the knowledge that no chickens had been chocked full of poison in order to live and die quickly so that I might have supper was a pretty good feeling. According to the Peta website by switching to a vegetarian diet, I can save more than 100 animals a year. But that's a very small factor in my reasoning behind this experiment, like I've said, I grew up in a hunting community. I'm all about the health benefits. And they do seem to be considerable.

Mood: pretty good
Drinking: coffee (with the last of the real cream)
Listening To: When You Were Young, The Killers
Hair: interesting

All the World's A Stage

From the Community Calendar:

A new theatre company "The Performers' Company" has begun in Sackville, which is aimed at opening up opportunities for local people from Sackville and the Tantramar region to act and be involved in theatre. Auditions for the first production "In the Shadow of Death" will take place at 4:00pm , September 10th at Live Bait Theatre, 87 Main Street (entrance in Save Easy parking lot). This production requires actors of all ages and skill levels. Production crew is also needed. The production will take place at Convocation Hall, November 9 -11, as part of Remembrance Week Commemorations.

Might this be an opportunity for moi? A true community theatre? I wrote the Director and the answer is apparently yes.

Not this production. This fall is insane for me already, I can't imagine adding a play, but there will be other productions. Very, very interesting. I will go see this one staged at any rate.

**********

My dreams are off the hook again. The past two nights people showing up who I haven't thought about in years, let alone dreamed of. It's bizarre. And exhausting. And I need to check the moon.

***********

Five years later the day is the very same, skies so blue. Who knew that day would so fundamentally change a girl in small town New Brunswick not personally connected? That was the last straw for me, the boiling point. I went from being a news junkie journalist to . . . ? I'm not sure. Figuring it out, connecting the dots after that day has been a slow process.

Mood: reverent
Drinking: coffee with the last of the cream (i am going to buy a soy product and see how that goes)
Listening To: chain saws in the yard (am i losing more trees? gaining a fence?)
Hair: soon to be laundered and diffused with new dryer since my sister kidnapped the original

Change

Hello Kel!

Your Quit Date is: Friday, May 10, 2002 at 12:30:00 PM
Time Smoke-Free: 1583 days, 23 hours, 21 minutes
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 39599
Lifetime Saved: 10 months, 2 days, 11 hours
Money Saved: $15,840.00

Congratulations!
WHO'S BETTER THAN YOU TODAY?
Nobody!

"Change your mind, change your life." It's one of those catch-phrases the self-help gurus use. Dr. Phil? Cheryl Richardson? I can't remember who I've borrowed this from in particular, perhaps it's universal, but the other day I used this phrase in a bit of writing and it's been hovering in my subconscious ever since, occasionally bobbing to the top to zing my conscious mind.

It's no secret I'm on a mission to make some pretty big life changes. I want health, wealth, wisdom, strength, peace of mind and all that good stuff. And I know I can do it, because I quit smoking over four years ago and if I could do that, make that kind of a lifestyle change, then dammit I can do anything! The only thing holding me back is . . . well . . . ME! I need to change my mind and my life will follow. That's what happened with smoking, that's what has been shown to work in my life.

Yes, I maintain a healthier lifestyle when I'm off living alone in Bagtown than I do when I return to the the river. I do much better in my regular life than when I pop back to visit the old one. I never eat out. I make healthier choices at the Supermarket. I walk everywhere I need to go. I climb stairs dozens of times on a daily basis. I get a little lost when I go to my parents. They never seem to have the food I'm used to eating. I spend more time in a car in transit than walking. There are no stairs to climb. I eat out nearly everyday. I drink more wine and other alcoholic beverages. My system gets screwed up. I get cranky. And I usually gain weight from terrible food choices combined with inactivity. It takes a week to get back to normal. The shorter the visit, the better it is for my body. But lately it's been all one week here, two weeks there. Banging me over the head with the knowledge that I need to figure out a better way of coping when I'm away from home. I need to make more effort to take better care of myself. I need to change my mind.

Ok, so there's been this floating around my brain for awhile and then there's been all the stuff with my brother-in-law's high cholesterol and my nieces' diabetes that's really been making me take a long hard look at what I'm putting into my mouth. Yes, I buy a lot of fresh produce. Yes, I do only whole grains. And usually if there is an organic alternative, I will choose it. I never buy pop. I actually drink water and herbal teas now. I never have french fries. I don't do the deep fried thing. I very rarely have any kind of sweets or junk food in the house. Nachos are pretty much my junk food and I'm not so sure they are truly junky because I'm in love with the whole grain tostitoes or else I buy the organic chips and salsa is pretty healthy stuff. These have been pretty big lifestyle changes for me, but I've successfully transitioned. I don't feel like I'm missing out or anything. If I want a chocolate bar, I'll go get one, but I very seldom want one. I get excited about salad and dressing and veggies and olives and sauces and different kinds of rice. This is who I am now.

Good for me! Right? Well yes, and no. I don't feel satisfied, I'm not done. I'm not there yet. There's more. I can do better.

Before going on a trip I avoid buying groceries. Because so much of what I eat is fresh, I don't want to have to toss a bunch of stuff before I leave or come back to rotting things, so I just stop shopping and start getting creative with things in my freezer and cupboards. This last trip was no exception. The only different thing is that usually I go shopping the first day back to restock. Not so this time. I've been home almost a week and haven't darkened the door of the grocery store. I've been eating stir-fry I had frozen, left-over from past dinners. I've been thawing half loafs of bread. I've been cooking chicken and pork and rice and frozen vegetables. The first couple of days I just thought I was lazy, tired from the computer trauma and trip, and I'd get some rest and then go shopping. But then as I walked past the store and didn't go in, I realised I had no intention of buying anything until my cupboard was truly bare. Why? What is this all about? I've been pondering it all weekend and I think I'm there, I've got it figured out.

It's meat. I'm doing everything right, except meat. Meat is like my dirty little secret, I don't want to think about all the crap in it, now in me. And lord knows I don't want to think about the animals alive and well. But having grown up in a hunting community it's actually easier to think about the animals alive and well (I grew up seeing deer carved into steaks using hand saws in the kitchen) than it is to think about all the hormones and poisonous crap that those animals are fed that I now eat. I'm putting terrible things into my body. And I'm starting to think about this and the effects of this on my health and it's really starting to bother me. So much so that I've been researching vegetarian and vegan. I have not been able to watch Peta's Meet Your Meat video yet, because I know that's the turning point for a lot of people. And I've still got chicken and burger and pork in the freezer. I'm flirting with the idea of vegetarianism. It is on my list as an experiment to try for one or two weeks.

Can I give up meat? Can I live without chicken wings and hamburgers and hot italian sausage? I really don't know. But I feel like I have to purge my kitchen, lose everything and begin fresh (just like the computer files, there's a co-relation there for sure) I have to try. I'm feeling very much toward meat like I felt toward cigarettes in the months leading up to my quit. I know it's terrible for me, it's poisonous, yet I still want it. But I gave up cigarettes. Maybe meat is an easier enemy. At least if I fail people won't be tisking me . . . everyone I know eats meat.

Mood: deep in thought
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: girl's soccer
Hair: unwashed

Saturday Stuff

Wanted to get up early, go to the market, buy some soap and veggies, have breakfast at Mel's while reading the Globe & Mail. I was up by 9:30, but as usual got sidetracked. I suppose I could still catch the market, have a blt at Mel's while I read the Globe & Mail . . . but . . .

Later I want to walk out to Home Hardware and take a look at their cookware/bakeware. I seek a casserole dish in particular for an upcoming pot luck dinner I'm to attend. I've been eyeing up this set on Sears, but I'm not fond of white per say and I've no idea whether this is a deal or not. I suspect not, thus the fishing excursion to Home Hardware. I also want to pop by the Co-Op and Liquor Store while out that way. I thought I would time it so I'm around there when the Toys for Tots motorcycle ride is gearing up. Get to see some cool bikes maybe.

Later tonight Matt Minglewood is playing at the Civic Centre. Brings back memories, have seen him many, many times. Petunia is at Struts tonight too. I'll likely not take in any of these things. Got to prioritize, lots on my plate right now, no time for lollygagging round.

One thing I should do for sure today is vote in the advance poll. Saw most of the debate the other night. NDP leader needs some public speaking/image consulting. Lord's gotta go. Is Graham purposely trying to mimic Frank with his hand gestures? A bit off-putting, but I'll let it slide. He's kinda cute, saw him yesterday up close as he emerged from the Liberal bus in front of the library, while I struggled with two bags of necessities from Jean Coutu.

Mood: undetermined
Drinking: coffee, Folgers (yes, I know, but it was on sale and I am on a budget)
Listening To: Don't Walk Away Eileen, Sam Roberts (audio probs fixed! yay!)
Hair: trimmed, all by myself

Stimulation

So something happened during this whole computer fiasco and I no longer have the proper audio drivers installed. What does this mean? When talking on Skype I sound like I've had a sex change operation, very deep voice, the people I'm talking to sound like they swallowed helium balloons or are doing a pretty bad Alvin and the Chipmunks impersonation. Same thing with music. Same thing with movies. :-( Someone is supposedly looking into fixing it. So now, I don't even have my Pandora radio and I can't listen to Ryan Seacrest and I can't watch Housecalls. I don't have a stereo. I've always used my computer. So this kinda sucks big time.

I woke up with Lukas' Headspin playing in my brain. I was sorry to see Storm go instead of Dilana. I really liked Storm's original the other night and Toby's too. Toby will likely win this thing. This year is different than last season though. With INXS JD emerged pretty early on as the best guy for them, though I loved Marty and Mig. This time around there doesn't seem to be such a clear fit. The finale will be awesome!

All the Showcase at 10 (11pm our time) shows are starting up this week. Last night I caught most of Weeds with Mary Louise Parker. Love that show! The L Word premiers either tonight or next Thursday. Six Feet Under on Sunday night. Rescue Me on Tuesday. These are my staples for the fall season. Not sure what shows are replacing Queer as Folk (which ended) and Dead Like Me (which got cancelled). Last year I did really well and didn't get hooked on many of the network shows, so I could work until 11, watch an hour on Showcase and then crash. But so far I've already picked up with Fox's Vanished starring my fave QaF alum, Gale Harold. If you haven't seen an episode yet, check it out. This is one good looking cast! And I'm curious about Ray Liotta's new show, Smith. The show I'm really really really looking forward to though is NBC's Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip from West Wing creator, Aaron Sorkin. What a cast! Amanda Peet, Matthew Perry, Bradley Whitford, Steven Weber, D.L. Hughley and more. I'm also eagerly awaiting the new season of ABC's What About Brian?

The only thing about a new season is that you just get into a bunch of a new shows and the networks yank them or change up the schedule so you can't find them. Like what about Windfall? Is it gone? Done? Am I just missing it? So there you go, I'm a tv junkie.

Mood: sore
Drinking: coffee, the mega super cheap stuff (yeah, I'm talking Folgers) with cream
Listening To: birds peeping in this music-less world
Hair: neglected

Noise

I've figured it out, well at least PART of it out. I know what's been going on with me this last while, why I've been out of sorts. I've been letting the world in too much. I'm disconnected from my core beliefs. I've been wearing too many hats, doing too much stuff. I need to regroup, focus, reconnect. I have to start taking some time to just be alone with my thoughts. No tv. No book. No computer. Just me, checking in on myself and making sure I'm okay for 15 minutes to a half hour everyday. Call it meditation. Call it prayer. I like to think of it as corrective self-talk, but whatever you call it, I know it helps me. I know it makes me stronger. I've clearly missed it, noticed its absence in my life.

I know some people will think I'm a little off but I seriously think my messed up vibe blew up my computer and destroyed my life's work. If you recall I was having some serious back pain just before the black screen of death descended. I was stressed. I had lost my faith in the universe. Feeling tremendous financial and business pressure. Then my computer died and it was one of the worst things that could ever happen to a writer an editor, a magazine, a newsletter . . . and yet directly behind my horrified shock was relief, a huge sigh of relief not to have all those emails and files hanging round my neck every morning when I woke up. And then my back pain began to disappear.

And I was forced back onto the river, submerged into loud chaos and held prisoner there until I thought I would explode from all the noise. Reminding me of how much I value my solitude. Showing me how I've allowed noise into my sanctuary by not setting boundaries and sticking to them. It's a good lesson. I needed this. Everyone I know is dreading the morning tomorrow and the new beginning it represents, but not me. I can't wait. Can't wait to get on the road back home. Can't wait to be alone with myself.

Mood: tired
Drinking: nothing
Listening To: Come Pick Me Up, Ryan Adams, Elizabethtown Soundtrack
Hair: soon to be chopped by my own hand

wanna go home

Being away from home so long really sucks. Living out of a suitcase for weeks at a time is challenging. Especially when you don't even get room service. My body rebels against the change in schedule. I feel bloated (am bloated big time) and sleepy and cranky and just generally out of sorts. I just feel like if I could get home and into my bathroom for a decent movement and into my bed for a real night's sleep and back at my desk for a hard day's work and into my kitchen for some of the usual food and back onto my schedule with my daily walk to the post office and some time to just be alone in peace with myself. If I can just get back to my marsh, back to my adorable little town, the sun will come out again and all will be right with the world. I'm feeling rather miserable right now. Only two more sleeps. Then at least a week to get back into sorts again. My legs and fingers and wrists and toes are aching so badly here. It's usual to have a transition into the fall season, but I'm hopeful it'll go easier if I can just get to the south again. In a week all will be well again. I'll be fit as a fiddle again. I can hold out that long.

In other news, on the computer front, I have been equipped with new to me hard drive with all the fixings, have handy dandy new automatic back-up system, am learning Outlook and getting organised and all backed up in the contacts/tasks/calendar part of my life (also making working from the road easier). No dvd drive :-( which means i'm a music-less person, but beggars can't be choosers and I'm thankful just to have anything to work on. Pandora is fabulous anyway. One day I will have a lapdog of my very own and dvd capability. It's on my list. Yes, I haven't forgotten my list. I can't wait to get home to high speed internet so i can listen to ryan seacrest and watch housecalls and all that fun stuff.

Mood: cranky
Drinking: nothing
Listening To: that damn clock chiming the hour
Hair: faded and dry and greying and too long and i don't even care anymore

Begin Again

Dilana has lost me. It started weeks ago when she did The Who song. I hated her arrangement, thought she butchered the thing. And her whole low register rasp was getting boring. So she adds some higher notes this week on Every Breath You Take, which goes a long way to begin sucking me back in, and then she turns out to be a real bitch. Women have to be careful, they can't get away with the same kind of arrogance that a man can. Now Storm has lots of cocky arrogance, but it comes across as playful and self-assured, Dilana is just coming across as mean and bitchy. Not good. She may very well be the front runner, but I wouldn't buy a ticket to see her in concert.

Ryan Star is bringing it baby! He wants this gig and he wants it bad. He's totally winning me over and becoming my boy. Oh Lukas, Lukas, Lukas Rossi. What's going on? I think he's a really shy person or something, naturally introverted and quiet. He came on strong at first and I think it was an act, now weeks later he's settling into himself and we're all getting to see who he really is. That's my theory. With Dilana too, that now she's more comfortable and being more like herself, which in her case is not very endearing. But I still hold out hope for Lukas. He might be too short to front Supernova, but I would buy a ticket to see him. I think Magni is a front runner with Tommy Lee and the boys, and he is growing on me too, I'm not creeped out by him anymore. I really liked the Supernova track debuted this week, though I think I would've rather seen Lukas or Ryan perform it.

Trying to get my head around work and how to do things and what stuff I need that I am missing and will never have again. I just keep telling myself that it's okay. I went on the treadmill for a couple of miles awhile ago. I don't get to walk much outside when I am here, so the exercise was good. Great for the brain. Today a couple of miles, soon a marathon. How crazy will that be?! Anyway, time to work or eat or do something productive.

Mood: optimistic
Drinking: water
Listening To: Let's Get It On, Marvin Gaye
Hair: in my eyes

Crash & Burn

Sunday evening on a tea and chocolate break from an intense flurry of work activity my computer sputtered beside me and went black. Yes, the black screen of death came calling and my pc answered. I knew this wasn't good. Tuesday evening my boss picked me up to bring me and my dark hard drive back to the river for revitalization. Sadly, the computer did not pull through. I lost all my data. All the submissions for bnm, all the submissions for nb ink, all my email addresses and bookmarks, all my creative writing, all my music, my life as I know it. Some stuff can be salvaged from hard copies, discs and dvds. Some stuff is gone forever. I feel resigned. I feel like a purging was forced upon me. I feel like I was supposed to start over with a clean slate. Tear it down and build it better. Still, it's a shock. Yes, backing up is a good idea. So send me a link to your blog or website so I can find you again. Email me and let me know how to get in touch because I've lost your address and don't have many memorized in this old brain of mine. Send me anything you sent me before that I might need. Not sure how long I'll be on the Miramichi. Maybe I'll see you while I'm here.

Mood: tired
Drinking: king cole tea
Listening To: ticking clock
Hair: mother says my bangs are too long

Loose in the Asylum

So Thursday night I was asleep before 2am which, if you follow my escapades, is a decent time for me, normal, good for rest. I try not to do the alarm thing unless absolutely necessary (like to make sure I get the garbage out on Wednesday morning). For the most part though I try to let my body wake on its own. If I end up sleeping 14 hours every now and then that's fine, I figure my body must need the rest. Usually though I'm asleep somewhere between two and three and I wake up on my own around 10. I'm fairly consistent.

Anyway, Thursday night it kind of felt like I even went to bed a little early and I was so tired I was out as soon as I hit the sack, fell into a deep sleep. Woke yesterday morning before 9am feeling like I had been run over by an 18-wheeler in the night. Dragged my sorry ass out of bed though because it was Friday and I had meetings to attend and wits to collect about me beforehand and most importantly On-Air with Ryan Seacrest (no Ryan's Roses yesterday, unless I missed it, and it seemed almost to be a repeat show, tho they never announced that it was, weird). I was a frigging zombie all day, yawning and finding it really difficult to concentrate. I could not wait to go back to bed! Contemplated taking a nap, but decided it might screw up my system, better to sleep at bedtime.

And then somehow I ended up in front of the tv through Letterman and my favourite guy, Craig Ferguson. And as if that wasn't late enough I got sucked into an episode of What Not to Wear. Then I went to bed and read for at least an hour. I could've read longer, but I was dangerously close to seeing dawn and that would've been too crazy when I had been so tired all day long. So heading into 5am I fell asleep and dreamed wicked dreams of tornados and family gatherings and writing stories for bnm.

I woke at a quarter to six, alert and thinking it was time to rise and shine. Too early. Back to sleep and dreams of ball games and collaborating on bnm stories with my sisters. Seemed like I had been asleep forever when I looked at the clock again, a quarter to seven. Still too early. Asleep I continued writing stories for bnm and doing a line-up and working on a media kit. Surely it was time to get up now I thought. 7:30. Damn! It's Saturday! I don't have to get up that early. Back to sleep and again to the ballpark and the tournament and interviewing players with my sisters, fighting with my sisters about how to construct the stories, and then the tornado strikes and rips the shack we're in right out of the ground and I feel the wind all around me. 8:30. I give up. Rise and shine!

What is up with that? I was so tired and then I barely sleep. And now I'm not tired at all. And the dreams. Always the frigging dreams. But no moon to justify them now is there? Curious. I'm probably just stressed about work, since I worked all night in my dreams. Today I'll get lots done and sleep through the night tonight. Sleep in tomorrow morning. It'll be lovely.

Mood: weirded out
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: New World Man, Rush
Hair: getting too thick . . . again

Coulda Been Somebody

Watched "On the Waterfront" the other night and you know I don't think I've ever seen it in its entirety before. Yeah, I've seen Brando's "coulda been a contender" scene lots of times but I have never seen the film. Zip it! Rent it! Buy it! Brando is frigging amazing. I've only ever really seen him when he was older, like in Last Tango in Paris and The Godfather. I haven't seen Streetcar. But I will. Yeah, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, likely I am the last person on the face of the earth to discover Brando, but hey, better late than never.

So the headache continues. I take a Motrin and dull it somewhat for an hour or so, but I can't make the damn thing go away. It's been a week. I don't think you're supposed to have a headache for a week.

Mood: iffy
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: I Write Sins Not Tragedies, Panic! At the Disco
Hair: fluffy

Summer

Summer is practically over and I'm not sad to see it go. What a freaking terrible summer! Totally broke. Went nowhere. Did nothing. Stress up the wazoo. More time spent crying than drinking wine. What kind of a yucky summer is that?! Surely the tide has turned and fall will be better. I mean I started the year on such a high with the Toronto trip and Bon Jovi and great workshops and a fab AGM and lots of good stuff. Then summer rolled in and everything went to hell. Autumn has got to be better.

I was supposed to go to Fundy this weekend, then back to the Miramichi to be there for Stacy's party next weekend. Not happening now. Well Fundy's not. Can I afford to go home again so soon? And then what about Labour Day Weekend? There's a thing happening apparently, at my parents house. BBQ, sleep-overs, games, fireworks, etc. Sherry says come Friday the 25th and stay until after Labour Day, but dude! That's another whole week + out of the loop, and I just got home it seems. It costs so much to go. It's near impossible to get any work done there. The climate always irrates my arthritis. I dunno. I'll likely just skip everything and go the end of September or October, when I'm really missing the kids and everyone. OR I'll take into a last minute fit and just show up sometime soon. It's too much to think about right now. Head aching.

Mood: head-achy, AGAIN!
Drinking: coffee, black, dark roast, cheap generic brand
Listening To: Bullet in the Head, Rage Against the Machine
Hair: getting washed today perhaps

While I Was Out

So while I was having my spiritual crises and being generally consumed by work and family matters, the town burned to the ground around me. Literally. Yeah, I heard sirens, but I thought it was a just a super duper deadly highway accident. I frigging live here and I'm the last one to know! This guy's got all the details and pics.

I walked out there today to go to the bank, get some eggs and everything is blocked off while they excavate and cart away debris. No idea how it started. It's sad though.

Mood: melancholy
Drinking: coffee, instant, blech!
Listening To: wind
Hair: in my eyes

Why?

Three weeks ago things were normal. All was well in my family. We were looking forward to family reunions, camping trips, Fundy tides and more. Then diabetes and everything changed. Sucked the life out of everything. And now, just when one might dare believe that things would be okay, that everyone would get through this. A second niece diagnosed. Two little girls, six and four. Same sister and brother-in-law. What the fuck?! Why? I don't understand why this is happening.

I was raised Anglican, forced to teach Sunday school and the whole bit. My mother shoved religion down my throat and I resented her big time. Late in high school and into university I declared myself to be an atheist.

a·the·ist -- n. One who disbelieves or denies the existence of God or gods.

My father always said he didn't believe in God or heaven or any sort of a bigger picture. You live, you die, you rot in the ground, only one chance, one life to live. What I soon realised after moving to Toronto and meeting people who were "real" atheists or people who were Jewish or Muslim or practicing anything outside of christianity was that I couldn't unlearn what had been drilled into my body and mind since I was a baby. The ritual, the belief, the knowledge, was in me and there was no way to erase it. I resented my mother more for not giving me the opportunity to approach the world on my own, a blank slate, able to discover and learn about all beliefs from scratch.

Somehow I got past all my resentment and came to understand that it wasn't God I didn't believe in, it was organised religion, and not just Christianity but pretty much all of it.

ag-nos-tic n : a person who doubts truth of religion

And then I started to form my own belief system, extracting bits from here and there and coming up with something I felt comfortable with believing and something that would comfort me when times were less than bright. A higher power. Souls. Lessons to be learned for soul evolution. An after-life. Re-incarnation. A loving, compassionate God.

And it worked. I took comfort. I understood why things happened and learned the lessons. Spiritual crises over, now lets work on those interpersonal skills. Or so I thought. Until now.

With the first niece's diagnosis I could rationalise. With the second, I'm done in. I don't get it. I don't understand why. I can't see the lesson. What's the fucking point?!

And for the first time since my late teens/early twenties I'm doubting. Me! The person who sees spirits, who has out-of-body experiences, who knows without a doubt that there is something other than this life. Yet I'm having a real hard time believing there is any divine plan, that anyone signed on for this, that it serves any greater purpose. I don't get it. I don't understand. And I'm really freaking angry about it. Maybe it's too fresh. Maybe I'll find it later. Maybe I'm not looking in the right place. Maybe I'm too angry to meditate on it. Or maybe life is just a series of random events that mean nothing and nobody is running the show and nothing makes any difference anyway. Bad people get rich, buy lovers and friends and even new bodies and faces. Good people stay poor and struggle to provide the basics for their families, to keep them warm and fed and safe. There is no justice in the world. What is the point?

Mood: sad & mad
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: The Future, Leonard Cohen
Hair: messy, greasy, dirty, and i don't even care

Hola!

I survived the great rapids reunion of 2006! Though not entirely without incident. Cosmos are sneaky critters. Perhaps I won't have another one for a long, long time. It was not the fabulous time everyone raved about last year. It was damn cold. And I realised after that I hadn't even really been invited, which means I crashed my own family reunion. If I had to decide today, I would say you won't see me back there next summer, but who knows, things could change. Will return to the river again later this month for a few days, so if I didn't see you this time, perhaps next we'll connect.

I'm really tired today. Expecting showers later. Enjoying the cooler temperatures today. Be back later.

Mood: headachy
Drinking: coffee, black, luke warm
Listening To: Ryan's Roses on KIIS-FM live streaming from Los Angeles
Hair: wicked

Of Course!

My horoscope for today says:

"If you have been contemplating executing legal papers of any kind, Kellie, this is NOT the day to do it. Any contract entered into today is likely to have confusing clauses and obscure language that you may not understand and which can potentially be used to your disadvantage. This is also not the day to start or even plan a journey of any kind. It is, however, a great day for reading or meditation."

I'm supposed to stay home and meditate. Nice. Train leaves at 4:15 this afternoon. No reading or meditation for me. I'll try not to sign anything binding though.

Mood: tired
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: birds, traffic, fan, washer, dryer, me typing
Hair: I can't believe I'm about to go out in public this way!

Happy Birthday!

It's my hon's birthday! Yes, after a month and a bit of having a higher number attached to my age, Stacy catches up today. Whew! That was close. She is working today and so there will be no margaritas (or chocolate martinis) :-( I am, however, thinking I might want to sneak out later and have a gelato in her name. Sound like a plan? Hell yeah!

Gifts and all that to follow when I arrive later this week. I think we're going to go out to KD's Pick of the Vine to celebrate. No last blizzard. But we'll always have the tee dot.

Mood: chipper
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: lawnmower man part 336
Hair: wiggy

Another Departure Coming Up

Awake this morning before the alarm. Why? Because having gone to sleep with the windows open and covered only by a thin sheet (it's been so humid, Saturday night I changed beds a half dozen times seeking some relief and comfort) the frigid temperature this morning wasn't conducive to sleep. Shades of Fundy. You know when you wake up in a tent on a cold morning after sleeping on the ground all night. It was like that. No complaints here. I needed a break. And you know I can't wait for sweater season! Winter is my friend.

Late Thursday night a car with Quebec plates pulled into the drive. It wasn't my landlord's van but nevertheless I figured it must be him. Perfect timing! We need to talk about bees. Whoever was in the car went into the house. Early Friday morning the car left . . . and it hasn't come back. Weird. Not my landlord? I need to call him. Something should be done while I am gone to the Miramichi.

Yes, I am returning to the scene of the crime later this week. My train leaves Thursday afternoon, I'll be back on the Tantramarsh the following Thursday. I'm not making any plans for this visit . . . well, other than a road trip to Freddy on Friday and the family reunion Saturday and Sunday and a hon birthday celebration in there somewhere. But that is all. I will not be run ragged or feel like I haven't a moment to myself on this visit. Will not over-extend myself. Need to chill and just take things day by day, so I'm not zonked on return.

FYI--when one is alone on a dark stormy night, one shouldn't consume anything with "exorcism" in the title. Bad idea. I watched "The Exorcsim of Emily Rose" on Saturday night. Ok, so as movies go, it's not THAT scary, not like "The Ring" kind of scary. But it's got that "based on a true story" tagline, making it more like "The Mothman Prophecies" kinda scary, where you want to Google the hell out it after you watch it. Of course, all this is amplified when you watch it alone I'm sure. I need to watch again before delivering a final verdict on whether this is a good movie or not. And yeah, I still wanna Google the hell out of it.

Boogie wins the veto. What will Janelle do? The Evil Dr is really starting to come into his own. He is the only reason to watch the show on tv. Hopefully Erika or Diane will get the boot. Because seriously these floaters who are never going to make a move bore the crap out me. Erika is the worst. We're four weeks into this thing and I still don't get why people like Janelle and Kaysar. They must've played a different game last year or something. James is my favourite out of the seasick bunch. He's got game. Howie is semi-entertaining in that goofy is this guy for real kind of way. I hope Will gets to the end.

Still Lukas or Dilana for Supernova. I'm rooting for Lukas of course. Shocked Phil went home this early. I liked his bobble. But more than that why the hell is that chick still in this thing?! This disturbs me. What the-?! Inside the mansion episode tonight with song selection. I think I should've been a rock star. Being such a creature of the night as I am, where else can I get paid fantastic money and still sleep til noon everyday? Something to thing about.

Mood: indecisive
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: A Public Affair, Jessica Simpson
Hair: ????

Cocoon Mode

I don't know what it is, all the socializing of last weekend, all the weather related stress of the past couple of weeks, all the shock of disease in children, all of these things in combo, but I am longing to cocoon, to lock the door, turn off the computer and phone, and just lie down and watch mindless television for days. Mustn't give in to the temptation. Must force myself to go out and get the mail, walk around to get the blood flowing, attend to email, work, blog, clean house, carry on and take care of business. It's hard. This cocooning thing runs in my family. So does manic depression bi-polar stuff, which makes me wonder if I should get tested for chemical abnormalities, or are my up and down mood swings just normal human behaviour? How does one become one of those people who are always up? Drugs? Increased endorfins through vigorous exercise? Yoga? Meditation? Livlier background music? How?

I know you likely want an update . . . but . . . blah!

Mood: tired & sore
Drinking: coffee, french roast, fair trade, organic, double cream
Listening To: Heart Shaped Box, Nirvana
Hair: golden blonde

And So It Is

Good weekend with Trish. Details later. This morning I go to Moncton to visit our little girl in hospital. Friday all was well. Saturday Jules had diabetes. Just that quick. Shell shocked. I go bearing gifts of books and paper and crayons and pencils and pink things that spell out friendship and hope. She is doing well, proud of her strength, assuring the adults there's no need to worry, already pricking her finger herself. She is six years old, still spinning and singing and smiling. Meanwhile her parents take turns crying, my mother and I cry when we talk to her on the phone. I cry when I talk to someone new and tell them about it for the first time. I expect I will cry when I see her. It's hard to watch a child receive a life sentence. Yes, it could be worse. But it could've been so much better.

Mood: uncertain
Drinking: organic french roast with cream
Listening To: field being bush-hogged, ambulance screaming past
Hair: flippy

Who Says?

When Stacy and I were kids we used to make games. Like board games. I can't remember actually playing these games, just the making of them. They were quite elaborate as I recall. In our pre and early teens they were curious boy/girl games designed to heat things up with those Barnettville boys. Funny to think of this tonight as I watch BB7 and think, "I could make-up a more exciting competition."

***

I think I was 15 the first time I got my heart broke. It was the beginning of the March Break, that Friday night. He parked at the edge of the drive-way, didn't drive all the way in. Ford LTD. But I don't think it was the four-door burgundy one with the white front rocker panel (or is it a fender on the front end?) The LTD before that one. Two-door. I came out on the step to greet him, trailing friends, thought we were going out. Happy to be on holiday from school. Looking forward to the weekend. He fucking blind-sided me with this break-up bullshit. On my step lit up by Dad's big-ass "not stealing anything out of the back of my truck" security light. I could see her silhouette in the car. Sitting in the middle, beside him.

Yeah, definitely, that's the first time it happened, that terrible ache in your throat, pain in your chest, punch in the gut that just knocks the life out of you. Where you just explode into big fat tears and wracking sobs. You know what I mean, it just kills you. Your heart actually hurts. He was nervous kind of. I don't know that he knew what to expect of me. I was a bit of a loose cannon. He was too afraid to come alone and do it, likely figured if I was gonna come out swinging she'd take the heat.

But I hadn't seen it coming. I couldn't react in any way. I had just been slain for the first time. This was new. With every fibre of my being I fought to maintain composure. The only thing worse than what he was doing to me would be allowing him to see how badly it hurt. It's times like that when a crazy calm comes over me. Even to this day, it's the same deal. I go still, jump behind the wall in my mind and stay there. Distance myself mentally from the situation. Silent. Emotionless. I've been called heartless, cold, and worse things, but it's how I cope until I can get a moment to myself to digest.

The first time happened on my parents' step under the spotlight with an audience. I didn't cry. I didn't say much. I didn't hit anyone or throw the ring back in his face or anything. I just slipped it off my finger and into his palm, smiled, wished him well and went inside. As soon as I turned my back on him the tears came hard. I ran to my bedroom, slammed the door and threw myself against it, a pile on the floor. There is something beyond the ugly cry. It is blindness, electrocution, stabbing and fire all at once. You can't sustain this state for more than five minutes without inducing death. I filled my room to the ceiling with anguish, then I got up, fixed my face and went out with my friends to pretend I didn't really care anyway by getting drunk and fucking somebody else.

By the end of the week-long March Break she dumped him and I took him back. He never broke my heart again.

Mood: slimy
Drinking: nothing, gonna get some tea, maybe vanilla rooibos
Listening To: If He Should Break Your Heart, Journey
Hair: where's the effing dye?

Knew It

Our girl Jenny just wasn't Rock Star material after all. I'm starting to wonder if I didn't have her mixed up with some other chick on that Global Canada audition show, because the girl who made such a strong impression on me had some killer smoky vocals going on I thought . . . and we never saw that at all from Jenny. I wonder if she's too old for Canadian Idol. Cuz that Sarah McLachlan stuff would likely fly better there. So now it's all up to Lukas to bring it home for us. No problem!

It's eviction day in the Big Brother house. Good Lord, can someone exciting win the frigging head-of-household and actually DO something. What a snoozefest this all-stars thing is turning out to be! Can we vote Boston Rob into the house? The house guests keep saying it's too early in the game to make a move, but damn! If they don't do something about that Season Six thing soon . . . it'll be too late.

Big weekend coming up. Trish lands tomorrow. We've got jazz, shakespeare, poetry, galleries, theatre, hauntings, cheesecake, a medieval fair and much more on tap. It's gonna be so outta hand! Good times!

They're talking about too high air conditioning on Ryan Seacrest. Would you rather freeze to death, burn to death or fall off a building and get your eyelids caught on two protruding nails causing your eyeballs to plop out?

Mood: silly
Drinking: coffee, french roast with cream (hmmm)
Listening To: Little Ally, On-Air with Ryan Seacrest
Hair: too banging

Why We Love the Evil Doctor

"I hope someone here is my half-brother."

Mood: laughing my guts out
Drinking: water
Listening To: Def Leppard
Hair: a little wonky

Kevin & Joel

Clerks II opens Friday. I can't imagine that it'll play on the one screen in this town, but I've got my fingers crossed that it'll run for a bit in Miramichi and that I can catch it when I'm through there in a couple of weeks. Chances are slim though, I might have to wait for the dvd. Clerks was genius and I'm really looking forward to the sequel. Anyway, I'm a huge Kevin Smith fan, I read his blog religiously. So today he posted an outraged (and rightly so) rant about how film critic Joel Siegel rudely disrupted a screening of Clerks II instead of just leaving quietly 40 minutes in when he decided the flick wasn't for him. Tonight I checked back and saw the post had been updated with audio from an appearance Kevin did on Opie and Anthony where they called Joel Siegel. Funny stuff! Go read, listen. Cracks me up. But I can't get through the Clerks II trailer without cracking up. I want one of Jay's Got Christ? tees.

Mood: punny :-)
Drinking: water
Listening To: Undivided, Bon Jovi
Hair: dye purchased today

Last Night

Terrible storm. Blech! I hate lightning. Scary stuff. But even scarier might have been the picture of me sitting in the foyer in the dark reciting dirty limericks and singing Jesus Loves Me because they were the only things I could remember.

A fire at campus residence about 2:30 am. (They have a lot of fires over there it seems.) I thought I smelled something earlier. At least two fire trucks and maybe some ambulance and cops. Couldn't see any evidence of disaster this morning when I took the trash to the curb. (Yay! I remembered it was garbage day!) But my room did seem to fill with smoke.

The storm cleared out right at 10pm so I could tune into Rock Star. I gotta say I'm disappointed with Jenny Galt. Before the competition started I watched a Global TV special covering the Canadian auditions across the country and she was one of my favourites. I thought she was gonna give everyone a run for their money, but so far she's just been really unremarkable, as you can totally see from the lack of comments on her blog. She is easy to forget. My boy Lukas continues to bring it though! Loved, loved, loved what he did to the Stones. Shades of Jon Bon in his stage presence last night. Just shades. It was the arrogance perhaps? And like Dave says that's a good thing.

I wasn't smitten with Dilana's Zombie though, didn't do it for me. But I really, really, really like that song you know, so that factors in. I guess I just would've liked some of the high notes. She's still one of my favourites to win though, if the boys decide to go with a girl for a lead. Patrice is starting to register on my radar. Storm's stage presence is a bit phony for me. Magni gives me the creeps. Zayra . . . What show does she think she's on? Why is she still in this thing? Dana's just too young and sweet. I'm thinking Jenny, Zayra and Dana will be the bottom three. And if they follow the same thing they did last week, then Zayra will be sent packing for being in the bottom two weeks in a row. Though anyone of them needs to go soon.

In other Rock Star news, Dave and Carmen broke up (which puts a whole new spin on all his drooling over Brooke Burke) and Pamela is marrying Kid Rock. What's Tommy think about that I wonder?

Very disappointed with the Big Brother All-Stars. The only bright spot is Dr. Will. He's still hilarious. I just wanna shake everyone else and scream, "Play the game already!"

In other reality news, Boston Rob and Amber have landed their own show following their move to Vegas where Rob tries to set himself up as a professional gambler. This one's got success written all over it. Who doesn't love Boston Rob and poker?!

Mood: sunny
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: Shout Out to Junior from Veronica, On-Air with Ryan Seacrest
Hair: needs a good dusting

Wilting

good lord how is anyone supposed to function in this weather?! it's so hazy outside! i'm chronicly nauseous. clammy to the touch. head feels like it's gonna implode from the pressure. joints beyond aching and well into swelling. i've got the sturgeon perma-furrow in my brow. even downstairs offers no relief. i feel like i should eat something, but what? under a humidex advisory and severe thunderstorm watch. cold front moving in apparently. maybe there will be some relief later. for godsake i hope so.

Mood: fading like a flower
Drinking: water
Listening To: nothing, there's nothing going on out there, nobody mowing, nobody walking, nobody driving past, everybody's home and past out from the humidity
Hair: curling all over

Little Things I Love

In Intermission when John tells Oscar that it was his idea to break up, in order to test Deirdre. Oscar is pissed all the way off, but the little part I love is when John says he's going home to reflect on his choices.

Paul Giamatti's bit part in Singles, where he's sucking the face off a girl in the coffee shop.

Johnny Depp in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It's Johnny. It's the doctor. What's not to love?

The way Tommy Lee sits like a little boy with his legs tied in knots.

At the beginning of On the Edge when Smashing Pumpkins 1979 plays while Cillian rides his bike.

Ashton Kutcher in A Lot Like Love. Like seriously, everything about him, every scene he's in. I love the way his face says everything, he doesn't need to speak. He's very good in this one.

The way Kate Hudson peers over her glasses in Almost Famous.

The scene in Singles where Kyra is sitting on the couch with her toothbrush and she's all excited still from the evening and then he's at the door and he says, "I was just nowhere near your neighbourhood."

And so much more. But I'm outta time.

Mood: inspired, in love with little things
Drinking: tea
Listening To: the train
Hair: still too short for most styling tools

That's Hawt

The humidity is insane. That slick with sweat look is very in right now. And my hair! Ouch! Impossible to function in the daylight hours. Luckily I am a creature of the night. Axed my Aliant Internet/Long-Distance Plan today in favour of Skype. Will save $15/month. Cha-ching! First disc of the second season of Deadwood arrived today. I watched both episodes already. I do enjoy that show. Wish I had HBO.

Tonight was a Rock Star night. Just the half hour song selection and clinic episode. Lukas is doing the Stones. I know he comes off as being cocky (but hey lets face it, rock stars are cocky arrogant bastards and that's why we love them) but I think he's got the right idea about song selection. Any one of them should be able to do any of the songs. Yeah, they might have faves etc. but is that any reason to fight over choices. I dunno. But for serious I think this season is a bust, Lukas is the only one of these singers capable of hanging with Tommy Lee and the boys. It's a done deal.

Mood: hot 'n spicy
Drinking: tea
Listening To: my fan, always my fan
Hair: can you say wrecked? frizzy? humidified?

Fireworks

I remember now. It was a white Chrysler New Yorker. Huge gas guzzling boat. God, I loved that car! On the way to Canada's Wonderland to meet up with my sisters, aunt and cousins on holiday with their youth group. Canada Day weekend perhaps? There were to be fireworks that evening, but maybe they had something like that every weekend in the park. A hot day but nevertheless I was wearing jeans, black jeans to be precise. Because I thought myself too fat to be seen in shorts. Hah! If only I knew then how skinny I really was. On the highway with the windows down and the radio cranked we had a moment of sadness about Freddie Mercury . . . either on his last legs or already gone and a memorial concert happening to raise money for AIDS. Then only excitement at spending the day with my baby sisters. Ruined Jenn on the first coaster, the Mine Buster. I thought I had killed her, lips so blue. No more coasters for us.

Later stretched out on my back looking at the night sky, I wondered where the hell he had gone, if he lost us. Just before the show began he returned, beaming, having won me a huge purple elephant with green spots (years later I would give it to Tracey's Monica because the thing was just too big to keep around for sentimental value). The most amazing fireworks and lazor light show choreographed with music that I have ever seen. And I've seen some fine shows during the International competition over the water at Ontario Place. At the end my sisters walked away with their group like we would see each other again tomorrow. So young and excited to be out in the world with their friends. I watched them leave until I couldn't see them anymore and then I collapsed in the car, missing them and they weren't even really gone yet. He pulled me into the middle, wrapped an arm around me and drove home with me sobbing onto the chest of his white Molson Indy shirt, our elephant staring out the passenger side window.

I miss big ugly gas guzzling boat-like cars.

Mood: melancholic
Drinking: coors light
Listening To: backyard fireworks somewhere in the neighbourhood
Hair: thinking on a new colour scheme

Way Out of Hand

I've thrown out my back. OUCH! Dammit! This pisses me off. The bee situation is way out of hand. Every morning dying bees on my kitchen floor. This morning, two of them and another ugly looking yanky-ox type bug. Definitely coming in from behind the stove/cupboards somehow. What to do? What to do? Landlord will be here in a couple of weeks. Meanwhile, I just keep killing them. Keep saturating my kitchen with Raid. Nice, yeah. I should do a reality series called Toxic Apartment. God, I so did not have this problem last year.

So another Sunday. This is the day I get all optimistic and energetic and anxious about the coming week. I make lists. I run around and do things. I obsess about things I can't do because it is Sunday, but I will do first thing tomorrow morning. I pray I'll be able to sleep so I can in fact get up early tomorrow and do all the things I can't do today. I get a headache. I can't sleep. Sometimes I throw up. I don't much like Sundays. They mess with my brain. If everything was open 24/7. If nobody kept traditional business hours. Maybe I'd have a little Sunday relief.

Years ago Sunday was the best day of the week. The quiet day. His sick day. Generally a day of cuddling and peace. A day we'd lay low, draw the curtains, hide out. I would look forward to it every week. I think he did too. But man, if the shit continued into Sunday (which happened sometimes) then our peaceful day would be turned upside down and all bets were off. A normal week played out like this: Monday and Tuesday were respectful "we're a normal working class family" days, eased into some partying on Wednesday and Thursday, full blown house full of drunks on Friday. The shit would hit the fan on Saturday, because Saturday was the night we would go to a dance or something and he'd have been drinking since at least Friday afternoon, sometimes longer, and he'd be bored by the drinking and the company and just looking for ways to stir things up. When I gave a shit, I tip-toed around Saturday nights, biding my time until the peace of Sunday. It was later, when I didn't care what happened anymore, that's when things got dangerous. Sundays were only special when I cared, and if the party continued into Sunday, it was bad, really bad. Like Saturday on crack. Sunday was the day we'd break-up and I'd go to Mom's. It's funny to think about it now.

When I had the club Sundays were usually pretty quiet. I never knew where I'd wake up Sunday morning, if I had gone to bed at all. On a good day I'd wake up at home in my own bed or alone at the club. On a bad day I'd watch the sunrise from the cab of a half-ton at the Dungarvon Bridge, or be the first person at the liquor store when it opened, or open my eyes and not recognise the room I found myself in. Usually I opened the club Sunday afternoon, though I didn't get many customers, just the regulars if even. I'd spend the day playing pool, listening to music, closer to the end watching tv, and always drinking beer. Sometimes I hated having to be there when the chances of anyone else showing up were so slim. Other times I loved being alone and I'd dance all over the place and sing at the top of my lungs. People who never came any other time would wander in on Sunday it seemed. I'll never forget the Sunday night that this man came in and I thought he was with this other guy I knew because they sort of came in at the same time, but it turned out they didn't even know one another. And through the course of the evening we figured out a bunch of boys from Howards had sent him because he was looking for a woman. And I was single. So he came to check me out. It was funny. But you likely had to be there. Practical joke, but the joke was on who exactly?

In Toronto Sunday was the day we'd go up north dirt bike riding or to the drive-in. I forgot my purse at a McDonalds truck stop on the highway up north one Sunday afternoon. And I called later that night and they actually found it in the restaurant and kept it for me and nobody had stolen anything from inside. All my money and everything was still there.

So I guess Sundays have always been a little out of hand, it's just that now I have to take sole responsibilty. If I'm going a little crazy, it's because I'm driving myself crazy.

Mood: in pain
Drinking: coffee (No-Name brand, dark roast . . . it'll do for now)
Listening To: If I Could Turn Back Time (LIVE), Cher
Hair: feeling like it's in a super model photo shoot, blowing in the fan

Life & Death on the Marsh

Crossed a couple of things off my list today. Yay me! Got up at a decent time this morning and went out to the Farmer's Market (2nd weekend in a row, 2 more and I cross another item off) where I got some bread and a cup of coffee. The Salvation Army Thrift Store is having a 15% off everything sale. CRAZY! I went in search of picture frames and clothes, but I couldn't even get close to clothes, it was so packed. No frames. I got a nice mug for a quarter though. I noticed The Break-Up is playing at the Vogue. 9pm tonight. Hmm . . . is that on my list? Must check. At Tidewater Books I bought Paulina a book by a local author, K.V. Johansen. It's called Torrie and the Pirate Queen and is the first in a series. It's autographed. Maybe she won't like it. I'll probably keep it for a Christmas present. This year, I want to get all the kids books if I can. Frenchy's wasn't open for some strange reason, so I went downstairs to the discount store. Some great deals on sweatshirts, but I couldn't think of anything so warm on a day like today. I bought a Van Gogh calendar and a coffee table book about Italy. I wanted to go to the Dollar Store, but by then the noon hour was upon me and I was getting a little sticky and weighed down with parcels so I just came home. Later I'm going to Co-Op for Fair Trade coffee and think I'll get some beer at the liquor store. Cuz it's that kind of day! I'm thinking of making chicken quesadillas for supper.

Yesterday afternoon I was under a freaking Tornado Warning for about an hour. Not a Severe Thunderstorm Warning where they mention the possibility of tornados like what they had in Blackville last week that had me so freaked out. Not a Tornado Watch. No, no, no, I'm talking about an actual freaking Tornado Warning! Like there is a tornado, we're watching it, it's heading your way, get in the basement now, type of deal. Crazy! So yes, I was scared to death. At first I was fine as I set about getting my safe spot ready, putting on socks and shoes (most injuries in natural disasters occur as the direct result of not having proper footwear), taking blankets downstairs to cushion myself from flying debris (should have taken the futon mattress . . . next time). But once I was all rigged up, the waiting was nerve wracking. Luckily nothing happened here. I saw funnel clouds on the weather channel though. Pictures sent in from viewers in Cap Pele and Moncton. From my journal yesterday afternoon: "My God I am terrified, scared to death. Everything's gone dark. Thunder in the distance, yet still eerily calm here. Too calm for the marsh. So silent. Sweating like a pig in this humidity. I don't know when to take to my safe place. I second guess now just how safe it is. It's hard to do these things all alone. Being brave. Being alone. Is hard. I need one of those weather radios. This not knowing what the hell kinda sucks."

Mood: starving marvin
Drinking: dryer than a wooden god
Listening To: the fan and motorcycles
Hair: so-so

Been Poorly

You know I'm feeling sickly when it takes me a week to wash, dry and fold a single load of towels. I started them on Monday and put them away a couple of hours ago. Laundry is my thing. The rumbling tumbling, slipping warm material hand to hand, soothes me. The mindless act of folding calms me. It's like meditation, gives me much needed moments of stillness. Normally I do at least one little load of laundry every day. Not this week. This week I did one load all week.

I also went to the post office only one time, which means I've only been outside once all week. Most of the week I've been crashed on my futon sucking back chocolate pudding, black plums, fresh cherries and local strawberries. Shifting pillows and blankets to support and soothe aching limbs and organs. A couple of days ago I broke out in a rash. Not sure why. Stress and/or heat related no doubt. I feel slightly more human today, yet the rash remains for now. In recent years I have become one of those people who breaks out in hives when stressed. I never used to be that girl :-(

I downloaded Skype to better communicate with the mighty miramichi, but I had to turn it off because i keep getting calls from arab men i don't know. I don't answer, but still, I hadn't realised it was possible to just call up anyone whether you're buddies or not.

Today is a good day to feel better, to go out and join the world. The sun is shining but the wind is blowing so the temperatures are not unbearable. Today I will go to the post office and other places, clean my kitchen of discarded pits and stems and pudding plastics, and get back to the business of life.

Mood: improved
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: wind, birds, squirrels, whirring fan, lawnmower man, traffic
Hair: oh boy! ask me later

Sickly

Feeling a little sickly. Probably just the humidity weighing in. Nausea. Unsettling. Much sadness in Miramichi. Also weighing in. Weighing me down.

Last night I dreamed of dogs and farms and tornados and grandparents. Exhausting. I woke to bees and other bugs. Ate a black plum and granola bar.

Paralyzed with a side stitch earlier. Need to breathe deeper to prevent.

Money fairy dropped by. Twenty here, twenty there.

It's a Rock Star night.

Mood: bluish
Drinking: coffee
Listening To: lawnmower man. what else is there?
Hair: not at all flattering

Wreck of the Day

Humidity sitting in my joints. A most difficult weekend in ways. Mom visited. We attended a private poetry reading at friends' house. It was unlike any other reading I've ever attended. Spiritual. Poems about the dead. Poems about the living. Letters to the living from the dead. Pets put down. Mothers hanging on. Guilt. Regret. Anger. Sitting there alone would've been tough, with my mother beside me it took everything in me not to flee the room. It was like Dusty and Grandad and Grammie all reaching out from their graves at the same time, summoned by John Lennon. All the pain of the past couple of years in the same room. Overwhelming.

Mom went home this afternoon. Not before she cleaned my house, killed spiders, bought me food and beverage. I insist I'm okay. I tell her I don't need anything. I'm hardly fading away to nothing. Still. She thinks I don't have enough groceries.

Last night I dreamed about my own Robert Redford. In the dream he scolded me for putting my nose where it didn't belong. Words cut into my skin like only his ever could. Usually I would take the lashing in silent shame masked as indifference. Sometimes I would fight back, cutting deeper and leaving bigger scars on his skin with my own pointy daggers. Last night I listened in silence and just when he reached the end of his patience, becoming so disgusted with my silent indifference that he would just walk away, just as he turned to storm off, I collapsed in a sobbing heap at his feet, admitting my selfishness and begging forgiveness. I woke with the incredible urge to write a letter. I haven't.

With the moon so close to full, my emotions can't be trusted. Nothing I think may be real. I'm beyond a basketcase tonight.

Mood: a caged animal
Drinking: rooibos
Listening To: wind in the treetops and crows cawing in darkness (why? I've never heard birds making suck a ruckus so late before) and Sheryl Crow, C'mon C'mon
Hair: thick

Ryan's Roses

On-Air with Ryan Seacrest every morning from 9am-2pm AST at 102.7 KIIS-FM in L.A. California, USA. I've been tuning in. You all know I've got a Ryan thing, but I just can't do that Idol show anymore. So this is how I get my fix. And I'm loving it! They do this bit though, called Ryan's Roses, where if you think your boyfriend or husband is cheating on you they'll give him a test. Live on the radio with the girlfriend or wife on the line one of the girls from the studio calls the man and gives him some song and dance about a promotion where he's won a bouquet of a dozen red roses that he can send to whoever he wants. No strings attached. All the guy has to do is give the name of the recipient and a message for the card and they'll get them out to her. What a trick! I know some people who need to be trying this one at home. Sometimes the guy picks the girlfriend/wife, sometimes he gives the name of a girl that nobody's heard tell of -- and that's when it gets exciting! Last week the guy said a different name and then they confronted him and he hung up. They called back. He hung up again. The fiance was a wreck. Internet relationship. What do you expect?

Mood: cheerful
Drinking: coffee, not even the cheap stuff, BEYOND the cheap stuff, I'm talking INSTANT! Can you say needs groceries?
Listening To: lawnmower man across the way returns for another annoying OCD summer
Hair: so early 80's with the flippy feathered sides

Missy? Moi?

Ok. Point taken. You got my attention.

This week saw the premier of my absolute favourite tv show for summer. Last year I sickened you (and myself a little) with all the talk about Marty. This year there is a new JD Fortune in the house and damn if he ain't from Canada too! I'm talking about Lukas "Jeff Buckley meets Freddie Mercury" Rossi! He didn't get the encore in tonight's elimination show, perhaps because like JD he's coming off just a bit too cocky and stirring the pot. Not that my girl Dilana did not deserve the encore. She is the real deal. Her intensity is insane. Another fave of mine is Josh. He's got a unique sound that I'm really enjoying, though I'm not sure he's right to front a band like Supernova. He should just go and cut a record already. It'll be interesting to see if he can rock it out though. I'm looking forward to that.

The other Canadian, Jenny Galt, was a little slow out of the gate. I think she might've been sick. Her performance wasn't bad, but it wasn't super fantastic either. I totally think she's got some goods though. I'll be looking for her to break out next week.

Matt Hoffer counts Metallica and The Police among his influences. His favourite song playlist includes songs by Fleetwood Mac, Ozzy Osbourne, Megadeath and Alice in Chains. Yet, when he found himself in the bottom three tonight after doing a performance last night that the band didn't think sucked, when he needed to dig deep and redeem himself with a song that would prove he was right for this band . . . he chose Duran Duran. DURAN DURAN! I liked him, would've liked to see more of him . . . but dude, you go with Duran Duran and Tommy Lee's got no choice but to kick your ass to the curb or be kicked out of the bad ass rock 'n roll boys club forever. It's like a law or something. What was he thinking?!

Truly the only one I've seen enough of already is Zayra. I hoped she would be the first to go. I've no idea why she's on the show. I don't think Supernova will be fronted by Bjork meets Marilyn Manson. Her voice is really not up to scratch, in comparision to some of the girls . . . like Storm or even little Jill Goia with the big pipes (but too pretty to stand in front of these boys maybe.)

In other reality television news, Big Brother 7 All Stars premiered tonight. As usual CBS flubbed things and accidently opened the live feeds on Tuesday afternoon for an hour, which ruined the surprise of who got voted back in and the double HOH twist. But no matter. I could not believe Will wasn't in the top 4! What's up with that? True to form, the evil doctor is just good television. I don't know how they're going to wrangle it, but I'm sure the producers will want him to stick around as long as possible. Danielle totally screwed herself over. I mean she had a really good idea there about how to get Janelle out, if only she hadn't told both sides about it. That strategy was what exactly? I didn't watch BB6. I tried, watched the first couple of episodes but just couldn't get into it. So I don't know any of those players and yeah, I was hoping they'd take that alliance down. I don't get why everyone loves Janelle. Maybe she'll grow on me, but I find her a bit annoying so far. Marcellas was so excited to get back in. And Chicken George. Good times!

Has Jase actually matured? And I don't mean in that "getting up there in the years" kinda way that Mike Boogie obviously has, I mean as a human being. Scary!

And that's all I got. Mom coming to visit this weekend. Poetry reading tomorrow night. Stories of boys and bars tomorrow maybe. Or the next day. Could be Sunday. No later than Monday.

Mood: playful
Drinking: water
Listening To: the train
Hair: i can't deny it, we've progressed into an all-out grease-fest

Spoiled

Miss a few days here and there and you'd think I'd fallen off the face of the earth. My readers are spoiled. I'm a bad parent. I've over-endulged. Spoon-fed. Given in, when I should've put my foot down. Meanwhile the complaining parties sometimes go months, and I do mean literally months, with the same headline atop their page. I was just here on Monday. What does a girl have to do to have a nervous breakdown in peace around here?

Mood: ticking
Drinking: nothing, but I could use one
Listening To: the incessant ping of email plopping into my day
Hair: shimmery

An Over-Reaction Perhaps

Ok, so the tornado activity was Glassville, not Blackville. Whew! That was close. The Sturgeons actually spent the night in the tent trailer. Utter insanity! I saw a fellow Rye High Alum on CBC covering the space shuttle story from Florida. Go Tom from PEI! My mother is coming to visit this weekend. A filthy boy knocked first on my neighbour's door and then mine when he got no response next door. Grease from head to toe. With some sort of driveway company he said. Had a photocopy flyer of some sort. I told him the house was rented, nobody with any driveway say-so living here. He didn't have a car. Walked away. Hmm. Is this one of those casing the joint scam things where I should notify the police of unusual suspects in the neighbourhood? I'm invited to a poetry reading Friday night. I'm to emcee another poetry reading in two weeks time. I'm told I'm not blogging enough. It happens.

Mood: my heads on crooked and it hurts too much to straighten
Drinking: i should have something . . . but what? but what?
Listening To: birds. hitchcock's got nothing on us
Hair: what's a girl to do with it?

Edgy

Channel surfing when I hear Blackville. I stop on the Weather Channel where they're talking about this:

Stanley - Doaktown - Blackville Area
9:31 PM ADT Sunday 2 July 2006
Severe thunderstorm warning for
Stanley - Doaktown - Blackville Area continued

Radar signatures are indicating that hail in the order of 2 centimetres and a possible tornado or funnel cloud is currently moving across the extreme eastern Stanley - Doaktown - Blackville Area and into the southern Kent County and northern grand lakes and Queens County. Additionally there are secondary lines of convective cells in the remaining warning areas which will produce localized downpours and gusty winds to 90 km/h.

Jeeze Louise! It's the T word. Apparently happening right now, so they keep saying on tv. I'm hoping the Sturgeon's family camping weekend was not a two-night affair.

Mood: creepy
Drinking: the silver bullet
Listening To: weather network
Hair: greying at the roots