Crumpled Photographs

You can tell I'm high into procrastination mode when I'm posting this many times today and me with soooo much stuff to do. But this just occured to me, so what can I do? Gotta write it down somewhere and this is the easiest place to spew. Plus something I read the other day kinda reminded me of this situation.

I was putting some things into a photo album, keepsakes from my trip, when I noticed a picture of me and Randy. A polaroid I snapped of the both of us cuddled together, smiling, laughing even, one night at the Powertrack. We look happy. No red eye. Big smiles. It's a pretty good shot actually.

Well, except for the fact that Randy took one look at it, snatched it out of my hand, crumpled it up, and threw it in the trash. So now the faces are all cracked, the picture warped and distorted. I remember when he did that I didn't understand why. I just thought he was really camera phobic or something. But it upset me because I really wanted a nice picture of us together. I fished it out of the trash, uncrumpled it, and kept it posted on my bulletin board until he got engaged to someone else a few months later.

So, why do I still have it? Why have I moved it into the album to keep forever or until I don't need it anymore? It's quite simple actually. It's there to remind myself that a photograph, much like a relationship, can mean two different things to two different people. I thought I was in love, thought I had a boyfriend, thought I was in a relationship that was going somewhere and wanted to celebrate and honour that in film.

He just wanted to get laid and have a few laughs until someone better came along, keep me on call so to speak, then destroy the evidence and forget about it. In his mind I was never in the running for anything long-term, I was a fun aside but best kept out of the public eye for fear of embarassment. It sounds harsh, but it's not really. I allowed myself to be treated poorly. I allowed myself to buy into dreams and illusions that were all in my head. The mind is a powerful thing, especially when it comes to things you think you want. But if you put yourself out there as someone easily taken advantage of, people will take advantage. That's what happened plain and simple. I basically came into the thing with a sign saying, "The worse you treat me, the better I'll like it."

On some level I knew, how could I not? The way he would whisk me off to motels but not take me to his place. The way he wouldn't ever come to my house for family functions or just to have a cup of tea. The way we never went out anywhere or did anything that didn't involve my work, his work or having sex. The way he never defended me against outrageous rumors he knew couldn't be true because he was there. There's a long list, way more than that. Plenty of evidence that he "just wasn't that into me."

I'm a completely different person now. What would it be 7 or 8 years later? The last five spent without any serious relationships at all, spent entirely on getting to know and love myself, so there'll be a whole person for someone else to get to know and love, not some desperate little girl looking for someone to save her and validate her existence. I've worked through problems within my family, father issues, mother issues, and even bigger issues. I'm damn proud of myself! And I love my life, every single moment of it, even when I'm stressed or sad or angry.

Still, I keep crumpled photographs so I'm never tempted to forget that if he's willing and eager to toss the picture, he's willing and eager to toss me too.